Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Lightning Round 4

 

 

 

 

As with previous Lightning Rounds, I mean no disrespect to those who have emailed these questions by including them in a Lightning Round.  It does not mean I think less of you, the issue(s) you raise or your request for input.  As always, emails are condensed for brevity, clarity and anonymity. (But if you write feel free to go on as much as you need.)

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I was told that if I stop going to Step Study meetings I will drink. Is this true?

No. I love Step Meetings and I like to keep them in my mix as much as possible, but they are not the magic, secret pixie dust of sobriety. If you stop going to meetings altogether, then I think you're in trouble.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have a resentment against my sponsor. What should I do?

Write an inventory. Then read it to them. Or, if reading it to them is a problem, read it to someone else. We deal with our resentments by setting them on paper. That's what the Big Book suggests and doing that has always brought me clarity.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

How do I know if I'm an alcoholic?

AA's Big Book suggests you try some controlled drinking. If you find that, when you honestly don't want to drink you do, or if you try to stop abruptly and cannot, then you may be an alcoholic. When my first sponsor suggested this to me he said, "You know, controlled drinking. Try having two and a half glasses and then stop half way through the third glass. Could you do that with milk?" I answered, "With milk? Yeah."  He went on, "Could you do it with liquor? Say, Vodka? Screwdrivers?" And without thinking I answered with the most alcoholic thing I could possibly have said: "I don't know. How big a glass?"

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I feel uncomfortable with the attention I get from men in AA meetings, but I have a hard time going to Women Only meetings. What should I do?

My suggestion is to go to Women Only meetings and work through whatever issues you have with other gals before you deal with issues you may have with the opposite sex. Maybe if you are in an area where there are gay meetings you could go to some of them, and possibly find a neutral territory for your issues. Regardless, I suggest going to meetings.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have a very strong sex drive. Does that mean I am a sex addict?

I have no idea if you are a sex addict or not. What AA's Big Book suggests when looking at our sexual behavior during the 4th Step Inventory process is to see where we were selfish, self centered or dishonest, and where we purposely aroused jealousy, bitterness, anger or suspicion in regards to our sexual conduct. Having a strong drive, or having a lot of sex is less likely to be an indicator of sexual addiction than looking at the why and the how of your sex life; quality not quantity, if you will.  There is a host of writing and several good mainstream films about sex addiction out now. Perhaps reading/viewing some of those will give you insight. And also, if this question is profoundly troubling it's time to check out SCA or one of the other 12 Step sex/love addiction programs.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have a lot of damage from my fundamentalist religious upbringing that I am working through, and the idea of God or prayer is something I can't even deal with right now. Does that mean AA won't work for me?

NO! That does not mean AA won't work for you. AA CAN WORK FOR YOU. Let the collected sober experience of AA's writing and fellowship be your guide, your "Higher Power." When you encounter suggestions about God don't let that chase you away, just say to yourself, or anyone else, "I'm not there yet" and focus on taking sober actions: Writing, service, sharing, etc. And if some people push you just say "I'm not there yet so thank you for wanting to help but please shut the f*ck up." You may eventually feel differently, but you may not, and that's ok too. Just keep coming back and be honest with yourself and other people you feel safe with about your background and issues. Also, please remember, meditation is a secular thing, and has nothing to do with any religion at all. In place of active prayer you can develop a meditation practice which I guarantee (strong word but I'll stand by it) if you are disciplined about you will have an immensely positive result.

Don't pick up the first drink, keep an open mind, don't let anyone bully you and keep coming back.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have heard that some AA's say that people should not take antidepressants or other medications. Is that true?

I have heard that some AA's say all kinds of foolish things. Two things: 1. Don't listen to what people say that people say in AA. Check the Big Book and other AA literature for what AA says. 2. ONLY A DOCTOR SHOULD GIVE MEDICAL ADVICE.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

Do you think it's a slip to eat dishes in restaurants that are cooked in wine or anything like that?

Is it a slip? Probably not, but of course it depends. Something well cooked? Probably no alcohol in it. Some dessert where all they've done is drizzle the brandy over the ice cream or something similar? That's a whole different animal, to me. Personally I do not order or eat any dishes with alcohol involved in the creation/baking/glazing/soaking/basting etc., in any way. It takes a lot longer to "cook" the alcohol out of something than many believe, and regardless of time tables I just don't want that nagging question in my head. For me it's just easier to skip them.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I am newly sober and have a very expensive wine collection. My sponsor thinks I should sell it, but I look at it as an investment. While it's true I did a lot of drinking from this collection at home, I do not have any desire to do so now. Do you think it's slippery to keep it?

Let me ask you this: If you don't have burial insurance could the sale of your wine collection pay for your funeral expenses? Because IF you keep it and IF it turns out that your sponsor was right and this is a dodge by your alcoholism to set you up for relapse then that might be a good reason to keep it. Otherwise, I think I'm with your sponsor on this one.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I want to talk to people who relapse and don't come back to AA about their experiences. I'm not convinced that AA is for me and I thought talking to some of them would help. Do you have any ideas where I might find them?

Is this question a set up? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and answer straight. Where do I suggest you look for alcoholics who relapse but don't come back to AA? Emergency Rooms, Jails and Graveyards. But that's just my opinion.

 

 

"I just did."

 

 

There is a Lion's Club nearish to where I live which has played host to AA meetings for probably upwards of thirty some odd years. It's a free standing building, and as is the way of these things, looks a bit like a rustic lodge, with stairs from the sidewalk up into the building proper. When the larger, more popular meetings are in session it can host upwards of a hundred people. Some meetings are a five day a week affair, every day at 7:30 in the morning or something like that.

Because some of those meetings are both popular and fairly full, there can often be a little "half measures" club loitering on the stairs and spilling out onto the sidewalk in front of the lodge. Ostensibly they are having a smoke or something, but I've been around long enough to size them up as those folks who like to say that they've "been to the meeting" when they never actually go into the meeting. (Later, tragically, some of them will absolutely believe they genuinely tried AA and it didn't work for them.) 

If I sound a little like I'm judging it's because I am.

Using my intellect, using my judgment, to identify what looks healthy and what looks unhealthy is, for me, a good way to stay in the middle of the lifeboat. Yes, it's true that In AA we generally try to refrain from "being judgmental;" it's a helpful way to stay out of resentment and generally stinking thinking. I know that for me, personally speaking, it helps me to not play God, running around and deciding how everyone should be. But at the same time, trying not to be judgmental -- not playing God -- doesn't mean I endorse/agree with everything I see, either.

Now lately, I've taken to meeting a good sober friend of mine at a diner for breakfast before we each go in to work. I walk over and meet him there, and then he sometimes gives me a lift in to the office. The diner is a gem, a true classic, miraculously in business with a minimum of changes for probably close to fifty years now -- with a few of the nearly original staff still slinging hash and coffee by turns. We order big bowls of oatmeal with plump raisins, walnut halves as big as quarters and sweet, almost-too-ripe bananas, reminding me almost every time I have it of how the simple things can be such good medicine. My friend and I talk AA, or of movies seen or books read. The waiter sometimes joins us, and then we kibitz over the latest headlines, solving most of the world's problems if only someone would ask our opinion. Since no one ever does, we clean our plates and tip well, heading in to work refreshed, nourished and ready to focus on our own problems rather than the world's. I enjoy this new/old tradition enormously, and am usually in a great good mood, walking briskly over, on a morning we've planned to meet.

The Lion's Club is roughly half way between my apartment and the diner, and thus, depending on which side of the street gives me the crossing signal first, I pass right in front of the lodge, and should the Half Measure's Club be in session it necessitates me threading my way through them, as they are usually scattered across the sidewalk in slouchy pairs and little clusters, smoking and drinking their coffee and generally blocking the way.

Alcoholics are self involved, and young alcoholics attempting to get and stay sober are not only self centered but terribly worried about looking cool or looking tough, or some combination of the two. (How do I know this? Because I was a young alcoholic once, attempting to get and stay sober. I think it's fair to say that all young people have those worries, but the young addict is tortured by this to an extreme degree, in my humble opinion.)  Which is why I wind up threading through the mob, as everyone is pretending not to notice that they are in the way, or are too cool to move or too tough to care or whatever.

On one particular morning recently, I was in my usual good mood, but either the mob seemed a little deeper or my sass was running a little higher, so as I began to bob and weave my way through I began to say "Excuse me. Pardon me. Call your sponsor. 'scuse me. Pardon. Call your sponsor." earning a couple of startled looks as I bobbed slightly less and bulldozed slightly more.

"HEY!" one young man, about six good paces ahead of me, spoke sharply. "You think this is funny?"

I slowed only a little and my face asked the question, rather than voicing it.

"This is serious shit, dude. You shouldn't make fun." He went on to name Recent Famous Dead Addict Who OD'd as proof, along with repeating his exhortation to take addiction seriously.

By this point I was almost abreast of him. While he wasn't exactly blocking my way, he wasn't not blocking my way either. I had easily a hundred pounds on him and if I wanted to just keep plowing along -- and leaned into it -- I could have knocked him flat on his ass. Don't think it didn't occur to me, or get serious consideration.

But sass beat aggression (as it pretty much always does), so instead I paused in my stride and offered, "Yes. It is. Which is why you should be in the meeting and not out here. Or why you should call your sponsor."

He wasn't sure what to make of that -- or me. His expression gave that away like a child with a handful of playing cards. He was tall and skinny and what I'm afraid I think of -- from my uncomfortable perch in middle age -- as "terminally hip." Though the weather didn't call for it he was wearing one of those giant faux fur hats with long dangling stuffed animal arms down the sides. To me they always look as though you went out and hunted down a muppet, wearing their hide and head as a ceremonial headdress or a trophy from The Stuffed Animal Wars.

The girl he was talking to laughed. "If he had one."

Muppet Killer now had a stake in recovering some pride, since the girl had laughed.

"Whatever, dude." He stepped back, and then said something mildly rude.

By now unfortunately my Sass Security Advisory Level was Orange -- still got a bit of a hair trigger there (working on it. working on it.) and restraint of tongue was a thing of legend right then. "Oh, you have a resentment!" I said, practically clapping my hands, all robust and cheerful, a beaming smile on my face and with a sunny, rapid-fire delivery of the following:

"Do you know how to write about it? No? Here, let me help." As I spoke, spitting the words out as quick as an auctioneer, I gestured in the air to outline each of the four columns. "First Column! I resent: Dude walking on sidewalk. Second Column! Why: He said 'call your sponsor' and then told me to go in the meeting. Third Column! This affects: Your... come on! Jump in! Your self esteem! Your personal relations with this girl... Fourth Column! And your part is... chip on your shoulder? Untreated alcoholism? Taking yourself too seriously?"

Of course by now a couple other of the Half Measures were listening, and a few laughed.

Suddenly Muppet Killer tilted his head and his tone changed completely. "Hey! You spoke here a few months ago. You're Skateboard Pup's sponsor."

"Yes, I am. And yes, I did. So you were in the meeting for that one. Well that's good I guess. I'm late. Good luck!" I started briskly down the sidewalk to make up for the few minutes fencing with Mr. Muppet. My oatmeal was calling to me.

Another of his friends was laughing now and punched him on the shoulder, saying something to him that I couldn't catch.

"Hey! Hey! Dude!" Muppet Killer called after me. "Will you sponsor me?"

Without breaking stride I turned and called back, "I just did."

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 There are more essays like this in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone.

 

 

Questions via Email: Sponsor shared trusted conversation

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have been sober just shy of two years. I have found a great freedom and a new way of living as a result of the the 12 Steps and the Program.

I have a new sponsee and this is my first time sponsoring someone. My sponsee and I are doing well. They are moving right along with diligence and willingness. Upon occasion I will ask my sponsor's advice about what is the best way to handle my sponsee's questions or situation.

The other night, during a meeting, my sponsor shared something about one of these trusted conversations (no names mentioned) but it was clear to me and my sponsee that they were talking about us. I was devastated, uncomfortable and felt personally convicted at the same time.

So here is my part in it:

Although I feel a trust was broken between me and my sponsor I am responsible for sharing something that was confided in me. What was shared was more of a conversation than a deep, dark secret from a 4th Step. (I can hear myself minimizing already.) When in truth it is a good lesson for me about gossip! If I am honest I did not have to share what I did with my sponsor (or anyone else) for guidance.

So here is my dilemma:

What should I do now? My sponsee and I are OK. She was very gracious and did not feel at all threatened. I however have a trust issue now with my sponsor and feel guarded. (Guilt for gossip will do that every time.)

Should I take from the lesson learned and move on with the intention of holding myself to a higher level of integrity (a living amends)...

OR

Should I confront my sponsor who is clearly oblivious to the situation? Or both?

I take the privilege of sponsorship very seriously. I want to be of the highest level of service possible and share what has been so freely given to me.

Your insight would be greatly appreciated.

K.

 

Dear K.,

At the very least, I think your sponsor used pretty poor judgement, and (no doubt unthinkingly, but still) placed the trust between you and your sponsee at risk.

But I have to tell you, K., I think you are reaching a little bit to condemn yourself as a "gossip." You should be able to talk with your sponsor about anything -- including, as you describe, "asking your sponsor's advice about what is the best way to handle our sponsee's questions or situation."

At the same time, you have done some terrific self examination to determine that in this instance, you didn't need guidance, so some other motivation was at work when you were sharing with your sponsor about your sponsee. That's worth continued reflection. If it wasn't a need for guidance, then what was it? I could offer you some ideas but honestly, based on your email, I have no doubt you'll get a true insight without any prompting from me.

What should you do now?

Firstly I believe you had a bad scare and a little bit of a shock. Your trust was violated -- not in an earthshaking way, maybe (your sponsor did omit names after all. Based on your description of the event no one in the meeting but you and your sponsee knew who your sponsor was talking about) but still and all, trust was violated. So that shock is probably fueling some of the "gossip guilt." You are rightly taking some responsibility, but in my opinion you are not at fault.

You should be able to speak freely to your sponsor and not be dogged by the nagging fear that the incident will repeat itself. If I feel it necessary to share something about another sober member with someone (a sponsor, or a friend who's sobriety I respect and counsel I value) -- and hopefully I am doing it to be helpful to someone in this scenario -- then I sometimes say something like "I know you're circumspect, great at keeping confidences, but this especially I would ask you to keep private..." or some other request to refrain from repeating what I am about to share.  While one would think everything you say to a sponsor sort of by default falls under this umbrella, obviously people sometimes feel that if they omit the identities of the people involved the situation itself might be discussed -- again, hopefully in an effort to illustrate a point and/or to be helpful to someone.

You make good use of AA's tools, I can tell that from your email, but I might suggest -- if you haven't done it already -- to lean heavily into some writing and praying about the right course to choose and the right words to use.

And it might be worth talking to your sponsor directly about it, not only for your own sake, but to help them be a better sponsor in the future. After all, we're all learning how to be better sponsors all the time. Your sponsor (and I!) need to keep learning about how to be a better sponsor at this point in our journey equally as much as anyone with their first sponsee does.

Ultimately, I believe your new sponsee has a terrific sponsor, because that sponsor is deeply committed to being of service to them, and takes the responsibility of carrying the message very seriously.

Good luck, trust your instincts (because you are placing being of service first, and thus your instincts can be trusted) and please, by all means, let me know how it works out.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

The New Sponsee 12

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Skateboard Pup had an appointment at the Genius Bar in the Apple store to do something to one of his many tiny music devices, and since there was a cafe near the store in the mall he asked if we could meet there instead of our usual routine. He caught me both flexible on time and generous in spirit, so although it meant by meeting in public we would not get to read the Big Book together, I agreed. (I am neither proud nor ashamed to be in AA; it is by this point simply a fact of my life, like the color of my eyes or the graying of my hair -- but that doesn't mean I'm interested in sitting at a table in a mall cafe and reading aloud from the Big Book with a sponsee. That's just... not my thing.)

 

SKATEBOARD PUP: Thanks for being flexible, Mr. SponsorPants.

MR. SPONSORPANTS: No problem. Just remember this next time you or Girlfriend are moaning about what an old stick I am.

He laughed.

SKATEPUP: Fair enough. She doesn't think you're an old stick you know.

I shrugged and sipped my coffee. Talking about what Girlfriend did -- or didn't -- think was not a great use of our time together, and I didn't want to go down that road regardless.

MR. SP: How are meetings going?

SKATEPUP: Good. Good.

He rattled off his schedule of meetings, we talked about a few things he'd heard in shares or during fellowship that he either liked or was troubled by. Although Girlfriend had originally set my Sponsor Sense tingling there seemed to be an easy enough balance in place and Skatepup's involvement in AA was what I would (gratefully) categorize as "still in the middle of the lifeboat."

MR. SP: I was thinking the other day...

SKATEPUP: Uh oh.

MR. SP: Funny. Anyway, I was thinking that it is time for you to start raising your hand or standing up in meetings when they ask for people who are willing and able to sponsor.

SKATEPUP: What? No! I can't... I'm not...

I waited while he spluttered, keenly aware that my face most likely had the expression that another sponsee -- one whom I've sponsored for close to eight years since he very first showed up in AA -- has recently taken to calling The Look. I find it hard to credit that I have become that kind of Sponsor, and chalk his observation up to playful ribbing. Regardless, I looked at the Skateboard Pup until his monosyllabic protests sputtered to a close.

MR. SP: You can't keep it if you don't give it away, and it's time for you to start giving.

SKATEPUP: I... really? I don't feel like I'm ready.

MR. SP: You're ready.

SKATEPUP: I'm not sure I have the time, actually... work is...

MR. SP: You have the time. If I have the time you have the time.

SKATEPUP: What if I screw it up?

MR. SP: You won't screw it up.

SKATEPUP: What if I do?

MR. SP: You can't screw it up.

SKATEPUP: Sure I can! What if... what if I give them bad advice or suggestions or something and they drink.

MR. SP: Oh, I'm not worried about that.

SKATEPUP: You mean you think I'll give them good suggestions?

MR. SP: I have no idea.

SKATEPUP: Gee, thanks.

MR. SP: I am not in the least concerned with whether or not your sponsees stay sober.

SKATEPUP: You're NOT?!?

Eyes big. Face incredulous. Oh to have been able to snap a pic at that moment.

MR. SP: No. I'm concerned with whether YOU stay sober. YOU are my priority.

SKATEPUP: But then, if you're not concerned with my sponsees staying sober, who...

Penny in the air.

SKATEPUP: Oh!

The penny drops.

SKATEPUP: Oh! But...

MR. SP: Relax, you didn't give them alcoholism, you can't take it away. You help, you suggest, maybe you inspire. You don't cure. You are responsible for sharing the tools and helping with the Steps. What they do with it all is between them and their HP. And anyway, honestly, though I'm very fond of you now Skatepup, and I really hope you stay sober, I don't sponsor you so that you stay sober.

SKATEPUP: You don't... oh. You sponsor me so that YOU stay sober.

I smiled, shrugged and took another swig of coffee.

MR. SP: See? You're very sharp. You'll do fine. But I really do hope you stay sober too.

He laughed.

SKATEPUP: Gee, thanks. Hey... what if...

Trust an alcoholic to always have one more dodge left up our sleeves, so often wrapped in a "what if..." I raised my eyebrows in query.

MR. SP: What if...

SKATEPUP: Well, girlfriend was quoting someone the other day, I forget who, but it was something like "There are many paths to the top of the same mountain."

MR. SP: I think that quote has been around for centuries, not sure who it's attributed to -- there are a couple of versions making a couple of observations about the Path -- or Paths -- too. What does that have to do with you sponsoring people?

SKATEPUP: Well, if there are many paths to the top of the same mountain, maybe some paths don't have being a sponsor as part of them.

Oh brother. Often when sponsoring people I ask God to help me with the words -- and I am certain that my best material is sourced by the Divine far more than from me -- but this one I felt capable of handling on my own.

MR. SP: Well, there may be many paths to the top of the same moutain, but that doesn't mean you're on one.

Skatepup made a face like he tasted something he didn't like.

MR. SP: In fact, from my experience, the path of an addict who doesn't then take their turn -- or at least be willing to take their turn -- as a sponsor is one that is probably not leading anywhere but over the edge of a cliff.

SKATEPUP: Okay. Okay. That's not very poetic you know, but okay.

He held up his hands in surrender.

MR. SP: Skatepup, some of the best relationships -- and some of the richest learning and deepest growth I've had -- has been through being a sponsor. I promise it will be more rewarding than you can imagine.

It will quite probably be more frustrating than you can imagine too, I thought, but let's not go there right now. Let's leave that observation filed under "more will be revealed."

We chatted a bit more, I secured his full commitment to raising his hand or standing up when during announcements in a meeting he was attending they asked who was available to sponsor. The time came for his Genius Bar appointment and we shook hands, hugged and went our merry ways.

As I walked away I smiled to myself, because there was one thing I was sure of that, no matter how I tried to explain it, the Skateboard Pup would never believe:

That kid was going to make a helluva great sponsor to someone.

 

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There are more essays like this in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone.

 

 

 

 

The New Sponsee 10

 

 

 

 

 

 

SKATEBOARD PUP: ...and I can see what I want to do with my life now. I have, like, goals.

The Skateboard Pup had been laying out for me the rather long list of things he was going to accomplish now that he was sober.

MR. SPONSORPANTS: Well that all sounds awesome. Ambitious, but awesome. I believe wholeheartedly that there's not one thing you've told me about that you can't accomplish if you stay sober and do the footwork.

SKATEPUP: Oh, I know. I feel like sobriety has given me... I dunno, I guess the ability to make these goals and move toward them.  It's like now I actually want a life.

MR. SP: I completely understand. You can try anything in sobriety.

SKATEPUP: I can be anything in sobriety!

MR. SP: Ok.

I held up my hands in surrender.

MR. SP: Ok. You can be anything in sobriety.

He's young. Maybe he CAN be anything in sobriety. For me, years farther down the road, the idea that I can "try" anything in sobriety feels like a better fit -- I try, but the result, while always a good one, may not exactly be what I was aiming for. But today I don't need to fine tune his passion. Either he's right or life will school him. Gently, I pray. Some of us got our quota of hard knocks fulfilled before we ever walked into an AA Meeting. The Skateboard Pup is one of them.

SKATEPUP: I never really... I want to do stuff I can be proud of. Not just sobriety... I don't mean "just" like it's small, I mean... in addition to. I want to accomplish big goals I can be proud of.

MR. SP: I have a suggestion.

The Skateboard Pup laughs.

SKATEPUP: You always have a suggestion.

MR. SP: It's how you can tell I haven't been replaced by a robot duplicate.

SKATEPUP: No that's cool! An android sponsor! You'd be like Arnold Schwarzenegger in all the "Terminator" movies. You're all "Come vith me if you vant to live!"

MR. SP: I don't remember the Terminator talking like a vampire.

SKATEPUP: Okay, okay, I can't do a good Arnold. But anyway, that's like your message though: Come with me if you want to live!

He has no idea how sweet that sounds or how choked up that makes me for a second. I get it together right away because I don't want to lose what I wanted to say to him about feeling proud of his goals.

MR. SP: Fine. Whether it's me or I'm an android or whatever, I still have suggestion about your goals.

SKATEPUP: Okay shoot.

MR. SP: Instead of feeling proud if you reach your goals -- and if you do you absolutely should, of course -- why don't you consider that you can be proud of each step you take to achieve them?

He looks almost flustered for a second.

SKATEPUP: But I... then I would be proud of myself, like, almost all the time. Is that... can I... can someone...?

I understand his confused reaction. Heartbreakingly, some of us with crippled self esteem and addiction issues almost feel like we need permission to feel good about ourselves.  Like somehow we're not "allowed" to.

MR. SP: Yeah. You would. And you can. In fact, go ahead and feel proud of yourself all the time. I am.

SKATEPUP: You're proud of yourself all the time?

MR. SP: No. Well, yes, a lot in some ways, but that's not what I meant.

SKATEPUP: I don't get it.

MR. SP: I meant I was proud of you all the time.

If he was flustered before this caught him completely off guard. I think without meaning to I returned the instant-lump-in-your-throat-for-a-moment favor.

SKATEPUP: Oh.

MR. SP: I've been sponsoring you for almost nine months now. You can maybe see one year sober peaking over the horizon. You've been willing -- mostly

He laughed

MR. SP: and honest and you keep showing up. From personal experience I know just how hard that is some days. Some weeks. So yeah, even though we get sober for ourselves, I'm really grateful I have the opportunity to sponsor you and I'm really proud of you.

He looked at me. Right in the eye. A long time ago we had talked about not deflecting things, about taking them in, about hearing positive things and not dismissing them. I know he was conscious of that conversation when he looked me in the eye and after a solid couple of moment said...

SKATEPUP: Thank you.

MR. SP: You're welcome.

SKATEPUP: This nice side of you is harder to take than the tough side. I like it. I just don't, like, know what to do with it.

MR. SP: I'm not that tough!

SKATEPUP: Wow, when you said alcoholics aren't very good at self assessment you weren't kidding!

I gave him a look.

SKATEPUP: My! Look at the time!

He faked looking at his nonexistent watch and jumped up.

SKATEPUP: Got a bus to catch! Thanks! Bye!

 

 

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There are more essays like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

 

Sober Texting 13

 

 

Being a holiday, my phone was less handy than usual, but I checked it semi-regularly to keep up with my extended AA family -- thus, when one sponsee texted that they were having a rough time with family and partner, I didn't see it for a short while.

Before I had a chance to respond they texted me this:

Sorry. I feel like I shouldn't have sent that. Although I'm about to have a meltdown. Sorry.

I reread what they'd written above their apology, and thought about how, for all the healing in our lives, sometimes the holidays can seriously sucker punch you. Then I told God, The Universe or The Great Whatever, "Okay, buddy, that's your cue. You're on..." and started texting. This is what I sent back:

Hey now, please never feel like you have to apologize for sharing with me how you're doing. Holidays are often supercharged, weirdly emotional, history-laden things. And apparently the recipe of our lives calls for a little salt in with the sugar. And we know in our hearts that God's in the kitchen, mixing up just the most fabulous things for us but in our heads sometimes it's hard -- especially on days like today -- to remember that. To believe that. So give yourself a hug and be gentle with yourself first, and then if there's a little gentle left to spare (and I'm sure there will be) be gentle with those around you. But mostly be gentle with yourself. Your life is so different now, you've changed so much... in so many ways the healthy things in our lives can still seem weirdly alien and uncomfortable. When we lose our spiritual equilibrium human contact can feel like a sharp slap on a sunburn. But the people that trouble us, even our own sensitivity, are gifts. Gifts you've earned. Gifts you've gown into. Loving, healthy gifts you deserve. And I promise everything will be alright. There's just going to be some patches today where you have to reach for that belief again. REMEMBER: You are loved. By God. By me. By a whole bunch of people - families both biological and spiritual. They may be clumsy in how they show it to you, but it's still true. Today will pass, and another one will roll around. You are doing great! Don't pick up the first drink and not only will everything eventually work itself out, it will work out better than we can possibly imagine. We just can't see it from where we're standing right now. Courage. I believe in you.

I know, I know, I can be a rather long winded texter on occasion. Still and all, that's what came out, and when I give God, The Universe or The Great Whatever their cue, I try not to edit too much as it comes through. Not claiming to be a channeller (though that would be So! Cool!) I just mean I trust that the sincere intent to be of service to others can sometimes gift us with the right thing to say at the right time, when needed.

Later on we had the chance to speak properly rather than text, and of course things had improved, because even though when they're bad it never feels like they will, they eventually always do. And of course -- and those of you who are regular Mr. SponsorPants readers will know this part is coming -- it wasn't just my sponsee who needed to hear that on the holiday, it was me, too.

And that, folks, is not just how, but why it works.

If things went a little south for you on the holiday: Courage.

I don't have to have met you to believe in you, since if you are following the principles of the 12 Steps to the best of your ability (even if that "best" feels a little shoddy at the moment) I know you're on the right path, and will do the right thing - and if you don't, well then by God you can clean it up and try to do better on the next pass.

Be gentle with yourself.

Courage.

Let's all just take it one day at a time, okay?

 

 

Questions via Email: Lightning Round 3

 

 

 

 

 

I mean no disrespect to those who have emailed these questions by including them in a "Lightning Round."  It does not mean I think less of the issue(s) you raise or your request for input.  As always, emails are condensed for brevity, clarity and anonymity. (But if you write feel free to go on as much as you need.)

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I am addicted to an addict.  I identify with alcoholics and what I hear in AA meetings more than I identify with what I hear in Alanon.

Addict Squared

 

Dear A.S.

An addict is an addict is an addict. How our disease manifests, how we cope, what our triggers are, what tools work best for us... all those things can be both highly individual and yet sometimes strikingly in line with others' disease and recovery.  If you hear things which help you by going to AA but you don't think you're an alcoholic, go to OPEN AA meetings and listen.  But I think it's foolish not to include Alanon in your meeting mix. Given what you shared with me regarding your family situation and obligations, whether you "like" them or "identify" doesn't matter.  Alanon has a body of healthy experience and valuable, practical tools for people who have alcoholics (and other addicts) in their lives, romantically or otherwise.  Take your medicine.  At the same time, shop around for the Alanon meetingS that you like best, even if "best" means dislike least.  Stick close -- you have a lot on your plate.

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

There are some red flags on the field with my current sponsor.  I feel like they don't really care. We've had some missed appointments and they don't even apologize or acknowledge. They're not great at getting back to me. I like them and I feel invested and I don't want to "start over" with someone else. Your thoughts?

Willing to Stick With Them

 

Dear W.t. S.W.T.,

In the course of your email you did a great job of acknowledging that the impetus for connecting with a sponosor generally rests with the sponsee. While I generally agree, I think there is a reasonable expectation of response and interest on your part with your (any) sponsor.

Full Disclosure: For all my writing about sponsorship and the many people I do and have sponsored, I have, in my life, been an absent and sucky sponsor to some people. There were reasons, nothing dramatic, usually embarrassing. Whatever is happening with your sponsor or between the two of you, they're not showing up in the way you seem to need. Doesn't make you needy. Doesn't make them a bad guy. It's not a fit. Thank them for being willing to work with you and start over with someone else. A good sponsor fit will make the "starting over" part pretty painless. And it's good practice for opening up with people anyway, which is a tool we need to use over and over.

Also: It is not uncommon for addicts of every stripe, depending on their childhoods, to display an inappropriate level of loyalty to people who really haven't demonstrated that they deserve it. Not sayin' that's what is happening with you in this -- you sound like you have a very level headed take on the scenario -- but it's worth considering.  Good luck and know that you might be the exact right thing that your next sponsor needs to help them stay sober. Don't deprive them of that.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

 Help! I fell in love with a sponsee! They have a new sponsor now, but we are trying the relationship thing. My issue now is that I've never felt the feelings I have now in sobriety.  I've done inventories and I am struggling with an inferiority complex. I've talked to other alcoholics and my sponsor to try and figure this out. I seem to be an extreme case of "self will run riot" and I'm beginning to question what kind of program I'm really working. Give me something to work with I'd appreciate your opinion/feedback/advice/experience, strength and hope.

Thanks,

A Sponsor In Love

 

Dear A.S.I.L.,

I've seen this happen over the years. As with anything, sometimes I've seen it work, and sometimes I've seen it not. Let's do this one by the numbers, okay?

1. Good job on not trying to be both sponsor and lover. I'm not being cute when I say that. Glad they have a different sponsor.  Now the important thing is to remember that they have a sponsor and YOU'RE NOT IT. Stay out -- completely out -- of their Program and how they do or don't work it.  Having been their sponsor grants you no special privileges on "helping" them.

2. Go to Alanon. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic.  No equivocation on that one. Get in their and get busy learning all about detaching with love.

3. Write in a journal every day. You have a lot of stuff inside and it needs a number of outlets to come out. Several pages. Every day. Don't edit or censor yourself just puke your thoughts and feelings out on the page every day.

4. Develop a meditation routine, or if you have one turn up the volume on it.

5. Pray.  For reals. Not some drive-by B.S. in-the-car-on-the-way-to-work thing where you interrupt yourself to flip off a driver who cut you off, but a real, honest-to-god (almost a pun!) prayer routine. On your knees or on a little rug or in a prayer chair or something structured.  It's worth remembering here that I pray often not because I need God to hear it but because I need to say it.

6. Alanon Spoiler: If it's hysterical it's historical. The depth of your insecurity might be attached to issues which go way, way, way back. In addition to 12 Step tools consider that perhaps a good therapist is in order.

7. You are an extreme example of self will run riot? I have two things to say to that: Welcome to the club, every AA is at one time or another, and also, do you say that because you have such strong feelings and issues, or do you say that because you have been getting lots of good suggestions and directions from AA peeps and your sponsor but you're just not willing/able to act on them? If it's the latter, all I can say is that nothing will change (or heal) if nothing changes. If you want the relationship to work I'm afraid your going to have to do the relationship work.

Good luck, a loving partner is worth it.  Work to be the partner you want to have and things will have a much better chance of working out.

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

There are more Questions and Answers like this in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download a Kindle reader for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

The New Sponsee 9: God's Will

 

SKATEBOARD PUP: But where is God in this?  God's Will, and all that stuff.

The Skateboard Pup had texted me with a 711 - which, if you're curious, means serious, please can we meet face to face soon, but it's not as urgent as a 911.  I don't have this cute little coding system with anyone else, but early on it seemed a good way for him to reach out to me and begin to self-assess how he was feeling.  Prior to this we'd never gotten higher than a 511, so I responded with alacrity.  I had actually just gotten home from coffee with a friend, so it was basically turn right around and head back out the door.  He, for his part, was already in my neighborhood.

MR. SPONSORPANTS: I'll get into that in a minute, but I have to ask, why all this sudden interest in what God's Will is for you?

SKATEPUP: Well, Girlfriend has been talking a lot about how it is God's Will for us to be happy, joyous and free, as it says in the Big Book.

MR. SP: Ah.

SKATEPUP: And the more I think about it, the more I am sort of... not confused but sort of...

MR. SP: Confused.

He laughed.

SKATEPUP: Okay, yeah. Confused.

MR. SP: People loooove, that bit about God's Will for us is to be "happy, joyous and free."

SKATEPUP: Don't you think it's true?

MR. SP: Sure, I guess.

SKATEPUP: You guess?

MR. SP: Okay, yeah. right. Sure. God's Will is for us to be happy, joyous and free. Fine. Yes.

SKATEPUP: Wow, don't sound too enthusiastic or anything. You must have a really dark Higher Power or something.

MR. SP: Sometimes, but let's not get sidetracked here. You want to know God's Will and I can tell you what it is.  It's in the Big Book, pretty plainly stated. No big mystery.

The Skatepup tilted his head and considered me for a moment, narrowing his eyes.

SKATEPUP: Is this a trick?

MR. SP: A trick? Why would this be a trick? And when have I ever tricked you?

SKATEPUP: Not... not like that it's just... too easy. Just like that, you can tell me God's Will for me.  And why do I think it isn't going to be about "happy, joyous and free."

MR. SP: Oh, it will be, I guess.  But... look, do you know Hairdo?

SKATEPUP: Hairdo? Yeah, they go to my regular Sunday night meeting.  What about it?

MR. SP: Well, using the idea -- the Big Book quote, actually -- that it is God's Will for us to be happy, joyous and free, they've been able to justify getting into and then out of two seperate relationships, with a little overlap in the middle, and some spousal collateral damage on the side.

SKATEPUP: Really? Well that's... hey, is that gossip? For you to tell me that?

MR. SP: I don't think so. I am trying to illustrate a point or two, and I shared that with you in confidence, as your sponsor, without malice, and without details as to who, what or when.  And the point I'm trying to illustrate is...?

SKATEPUP: I can cheat on Girlfriend someday if I think it's God's Will! Cool!

I sighed, and dramatically held my head in my hands for a moment, shaking it back and forth, miming consternation.

MR. SP: You are a demon imp from hell, aren't you, sent here to slowly drive me to madness and despair.

SKATEPUP: Unmasked! How am I doing on that?

MR. SP: Better than you might think. Seriously though, that answer is actually almost the point I'm trying to make.  But it's not really about infidelity, it's about... come on, we're too far down the road for you to play at not being as sharp as I know you are.

SKATEPUP: Justification.

MR. SP: Yes. Obviously from the Crusades on up, deciding that God said it was okay is how people give themselves permission to do what they know is wrong but they want to do anyway.  But any thinking person can connect those dots.  What I want you to think about is how alcoholics, already ninjas at self deception and self justification, can use that quote in particular from the Big Book to cosign all kinds of bullshit.

And perhaps, though I don't want to accuse her of laying any groundwork or anything, that's what Girlfriend is about with this whole thing too -- but getting into what she had or hadn't said and why suddenly she was involved in this being such a burning topic for the Skatepup wasn't going to help me land the main point here, so I filed all that away for later consideration.

SKATEPUP: So... it's not God's will for me to be happy, joyous and free? Bummer.

MR. SP: Of course it is, although that's the result of doing God's Will, not the... the...

SKATEPUP: Process?

MR. SP: Process! Yes! Thank you!

SKATEPUP: So then what is the answer? The process? The simple thing. Enlighten me please, if you know what God's Will is for me.

MR. SP: It says it quite clearly in the Big Book -- and in lots of places outside of AA, actually, depending on your flavor of philosophy  -- in fact, after I tell you I want you to look it up and read the context please.

When we talked about the Big Book I usually suggested that after he got home the Skatepup look up what I had referenced and read it for himself. 

SKATEPUP: You know all your little "look this up" stuff isn't like flipping through the book like a big study exercise, right?

MR. SP: It's not?

I was caught out and my face betrayed me. That is exactly what I pictured, and thought I was being clever and getting the Skatepup some extra exposure to the Big Book as he flipped pages looking.  He laughed -- not unkindly -- at my expression.

SKATEPUP: No. I have the searchable Big Book app on my phone and I just plug whatever you said into it and find it in like, two seconds.

Color me chagrined, and a product of my era, sometimes. 

MR. SP: Ah, of course. Well, then, Elroy, I leave you to a future of quick and sterile digital access, devoid of the simple pleasures of flipping pages.

SKATEPUP: Said the man who published an eBook.

MR. SP: Oh, my poor aged, addled head. You continue to get the best of me, you wretched brat.

SKATEPUP: And maybe that's God's Will too! So anyway, what is this thing I'm going to look up and take two seconds to find, that tells me simply and clearly what God's Will is for me?

MR. SP: God's Will is for you to fit yourself to be of maximum service to God and the people about you. Period. Full stop. That's it. No big mystery.

SKATEPUP: Then why do people share sometimes about trying to figure out...?

MR. SP: I've been there. It's easy to spin yourself around with this.  There's a reason "Keep It Simple" is a slogan, after all.

SKATEPUP: So...

MR. SP: So... if you want to be a Lexus Dealer, go for it, be a Lexus Dealer, and work to be of maximum service to God and those about you as you are dealing out all your Lexuses. Lexi? Whatever. If you want to be a Hot Dog Vendor, vend those dogs, and work to be of maximum service to those about you. Go on a vacation? Change jobs? Move to Bora Bora or Baltimore... go ahead, go for it, just...

SKATEPUP: Fit max service. Thank you, I get it I get it.

MR. SP: Told you it was simple. And if you do that, then you will be happy, joyous and free.

SKATEPUP: Oh. I thought it would be more...

MR. SP: Mysterious? Complicated? Byzantine? Arcane?

He laughed.

SKATEPUP: Holy shit, you love the words, don't you.  But yeah, something like that.

MR. SP: Well, feel free to make it as difficult as you like.  For me, now, today, my personal belief system is not that we are on a cosmic game show with a lot of special cash and prizes for guessing correctly whatever is on God's Mind about where we should go and what we should try to be.  We can try anything, but if we want to stay sober, then whatever we do we try to fit ourselves...

SKATEPUP: ... to be of maximum service... okay.  That's... that's not exactly what I expected from this.

I shrugged.

MR. SP: I understand. But... sorry, kid. After more than two decades of wrestling this question to the ground myself, that's all I got.

We chatted a bit more, him filling me in on meetings and service without any prompting on my part, which made me glad down to my toes.  Girlfriend not withstanding, today it felt like the Skatepup was settling comfortably into the middle of the lifeboat. I felt good for him and grateful for the privelege to... you knew I had to say it once more time, right? ... be of maximum service to God and to the people around me.

Because sometimes, some of the people around you stumble into the middle of your life, and leave you forever changed for the better.

Clearly, the Skateboard Pup was doing that for me.

 

 _________________________________________________________________

 

There are more stories like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download a Kindle reader for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

The New Sponsee 8

 

 

 

 

The Skateboard Pup had met a lady friend at an AA Meeting six weeks or so ago.  She had about five years sober to his less-than-a-year.  Though I've not met her yet, from what the Skatepup described she was not what I would call "in the middle of the lifeboat" when it came to her AA program.

And what was starting to play out was exactly what I was afraid of.

 

SKATEBOARD PUP: What's up? I thought you had your Home Group tonight -- that Men's Stag you like.

MR. SPONSORPANTS: The building where we meet isn't open tonight... and I needed to talk to you, so that's why I texted and asked you for coffee.

He looked at me sideways for a minute.

SKATEPUP: What's up? You sound... all serious.

MR. SP: I guess I am.

SKATEPUP: So okay then, what's up?

MR. SP: What's up.

He looked at me, unwilling to volunteer anything, which, when I'm in his position, is exactly how I play it: Wait and find out who knows what.  Over the course of sponsoring him I have decided that he is a very intelligent young man, and that all the "street" he pretends is both a defensive posture and a conscious misdirection.  At one time in my life I was a young man with a lot of secrets, so although I used different smoke and mirrors, I understood the mechanism.

MR. SP: Seriously? That's how you're going to play this? You have no idea why I wanted to talk.

I feel like I can see him deciding whether to bluff or not. Considering and discarding several options in the space of only a few moments. I would like to think it is a testament to some bridges we've built between us that he picks a form of honesty to start, but I'm also enough of an alcoholic to know that addicts can be both truly honest and subtly manipulative at the very same time.

SKATEPUP: It's about me and Girlfriend.

MR. SP: It's about you and service commitments. Or rather, you not showing up for them. I think Girlfriend is... well, you tell me.

He'd started with some honesty, albeit of the "shucks, really?" variety.  Now he moved on to bravado.

SKATEPUP: What is the big deal? Girlfriend got tickets for [Big Movie] and we went.

MR. SP: The big deal is that you had a greeting commitment at the meeting and you blew it off.

And now he plays the sarcastic card.

SKATEPUP: Oh my God! Were they able to have the meeting with only three greeters instead of four? Did they cancel the whole thing? Please, no one even noticed that I wasn't there.

MR. SP: I noticed, for starters.

SKATEPUP: Yeah, well I'm not interested in you checking up on me like that.  And I didn't think I needed your permission to go to the fucking movies.

I held up my hand.

MR. SP: Two things:  Number one, I am not checking up on you. In this whole deal YOU are my priority. Not the meeting, not Girlfriend. You. And your sobriety. So I pay attention where you are, and I pay attention where you're not. Because you matter -- your sobriety matters.  That is not checking up on you.

SKATEPUP: Yeah well...

I rode over him.

MR. SP: Up-bup-bup-bup, I'm not finished.  Number Two, cut the shit, you know full well I am not talking about permission to go to the movies.  I am talking about commitment and priorities. I am talking about boundaries. I am talking about helping you build a foundation in AA which I believe will save your life.  Which, not to throw this in your face or anything,  was, when I first met you, a life without much hope and on pretty shaky ground. The guy you used to be, the guy who asked me to sponsor him not that long ago, wasn't entirely convinced he was going to still be around for Christmas.  And you and I both know that I don't mean "in town for the holiday."

He nodded, if grudgingly.  He heard me, I could tell, but I could also tell he was half being polite, while the other half was still up for a fight.

SKATEPUP: Look, Girlfriend said you would be all old school and uptight about this.  That's why I didn't say anything.

I put everything I had into keeping my voice neutral.

MR. SP: She did, did she.

It was getting harder and harder to keep an open mind about this gal; to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

MR. SP: Look, I get it.  I really do. Greeter seems like a stupid, invisible commitment, and what difference does it make anyway, and you had the chance to go to the movies so what's the big deal.  I get it! But the fact is...

SKATEPUP: The fact is I'll go back next week and it won't matter.

MR. SP: No. The fact is that once you make an exception in keeping a commitment the next time a choice comes up it's a lot easier to make the exception again.  And before you know it, you don't have a series of choices which reflect the value of keeping a commitment, you have a series of exceptions.  And haven't we all lived that way enough?  C'mon, Pup, you already know what that feels like.  Try making different choices and discover what different feelings... feel like.

SKATEPUP: What was I supposed to do? She surprised me!

MR. SP: What you are supposed to do is make your sobriety a priority.  It's not up to her to make it a priority.

And I was beginning to think that she never would, actually, for reasons I didn't care to get into with him right now.

MR. SP: Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do as much as I'm trying to tell you what I did.

He hunched his shoulders, all bravado gone and looking too much like his apt nickname: A sorry puppy.  And this, too, can have an element of manipulation in it.  Not to sound like a paranoid cynic (too late!) but an alcoholic's capitulation, when too easy, should be held a little suspect.  Just in case.

SKATEPUP: I know. I know.

Suddenly, he brightened.

SKATEPUP: Hey! We should all have coffee some time! Me and Girlfriend and you!

Five or so years sober, hardly goes to meetings, trolls the ones she goes to for young, newly sober men to hook up with, and plants poisonous little seeds with my sponsee about me "over reacting" and being uptight.  If this were a play or a movie it would be a great scene to watch.  Since I have to live it, you can color me nonplussed.

MR. SP: That might be nice.

My smile was a little false, but hey, nobody's perfect.

We talked a while longer, about life and movies and TV and meetings and social inconsequentials.  He had a work trip coming up he was nervous about, and we planned a time to sit down and really talk that through.

Finally...

SKATEPUP: Thanks.  I know you're just... you know, being a sponsor.  Looking out for me and all.

MR. SP: Now who sounds old school?

He grinned.

MR. SP:  Your sobriety is my priority.  Please, just don't let me be the only one who thinks of it that way.

SKATEPUP: Fair enough.

We parted, and as I walked away I said a prayer that Girlfriend received all the blessings and love in the world.

After all, AA suggests I pray for the people I resent.

 _________________________________________________________________

 

There are more stories like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download a Kindle reader for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

 

 

 

The New Sponsee 7

 

 

The Skateboard Pup had texted me asking if I had some time to chat.  I was at the library and we arranged for him to swing by in a short while.  I stood in the shade in front of the building, a great white modern architectural confection of clean lines, sweeping curves and enormous windows.  It wasn't a hit with everyone, and apparently it cost a fortune to build, but I liked it.  And in my book, if you're going to spend a fortune building something, a library is a good choice.

He rounded the far corner of the building on his skateboard, standing on it with an easy, graceful slouch, that classic skateboard posture; half surfer and half slacker.  He rolled up to me and stepped off, using the last of his momentum to bring a foot down on the skateboard so that it popped spinning into the air, where he caught it with ease.  It was a move so practiced it was merely economy of motion, no show off or fanfare.

(Well, maybe just a little.)

There is a park nearby and we strolled through it as we talked, me with my pack full of book, notes and laptop; he with his skateboard over his shoulder and a ballcap shoved into the back pocket of his jeans.  I thought at first that we probably looked like a portly Mr. Chips and a scruffy refugee from Downtown Troubletown, but then I looked at him again.  Sobriety was agreeing with him.  He'd probably never have a spare pound on his frame (damn him) but the undernourished, pinched look had been replaced with a healthier, more solid silhouette. He slouched but didn't hunch. The lights were on and somebody was home.

I still looked portly though, and probably a bit like I had gotten dressed in a strong wind.  We all have our style I suppose.

 

SKATEBOARD PUP:  So how's the writing life?

MR. SPonsorPants:  Good. Lean but satisfying.  I'm happy.  The clock is ticking -- I probably need to get a regular gig again for a while, my whole plan didn't quite go exactly as I thought -- but I'm very happy. 

I shared with him a bit about what I was writing next, while simultaneously figuring out how to make the Mr. SponsorPants book into an audio book, how fun it was to be able to say to myself "I am a published author" regardless of the fact that it is eBook only.

We got caught up since our last chat.  Talked about meetings we'd been to.  He's sharing a bit more, as I suggested.  I told him about a meeting I spoke at last Monday that I thought he might like to try.  Medium sized and very mixed crowd. 

SKATEPUP: I wanted to talk to you about something.

MR. SP:  What I'm here for.

SKATEPUP: So, you know how people say that you're not supposed to get involved with anyone in your first year?

Uh oh.

MR. SP: That's what they say now, but that's not what I was told when I was new.  Not exactly, anyway. 

SKATEPUP:  Well... I met this girl.

Five words that, depending on who utters them, I have to make a conscious effort not to wince when I hear.

MR. SP:  Cool.  Where did you meet her? 

SKATEPUP:  At a meeting.

I think I might have winced a little now.

MR. SP:  Are you guys going out, or just having coffee... or what.

He looked at me sideways for a moment, then put the skateboard down and sort of half walked half skated along next to me.

SKATEPUP:  Well, I guess you could say we're kinda "or what-ing."

MR. SP:  Ah.

I asked some direct and pointed questions about, among other things, birth control, and felt pretty good about his answers. He answered candidly, and without any real hemming or hawing.  Then...

SKATEPUP:  I've never had a sponsor before, so... I mean, is that really your business?

MR. SP: Depends on how you look at it.  Do you think if you got her pregnant, and she delivered a child in nine months, and you have to now not only stay sober but assume the financial and emotional responsibilities of fatherhood it might be a strain on your new sobriety?

He flipped the skateboard back up into his hands and held it like a shield in front of him.

SKATEPUP:  Okay! Just... I've never been sponsored before.  You're like... if Mary Poppins was a marine or something.

As a child Mary Poppins was my favorite movie. 

MR. SP:  You have no idea how high a compliment you have just paid me, sir.  And, more seriously, you can always say "none of your business" when I ask you something, but my only priority is your sobriety.

SKATEPUP:  Actually, I know that.  But... so I hear people say about getting involved in your first year and I was all...

MR. SP:  Yeah, about that.  The suggestion was originally, "Don't make any major changes in your first year."  Which meant if you were married stay married and if you were single stay single.  Over time it sort of got morphed into what you hear now.  For many obvious reasons that is not a bad idea.  

SKATEPUP: And... I mean, do you think...

MR. SP:  Look.  You're young, you're healthy, it's the 21st Century.  I'm not here to tell you what to do so much as help you watch out for slippery stuff, build a foundation and go through the 12 Steps.  Do I see this as good news?  Well... not exactly.  But it's not really bad news either.  Be careful, and be honest with yourself, her and me.  From there I have a few suggestions that maybe...

SKATEPUP:  Of course you do!

MR. SP:  Smartass.  How many meetings are you going to a week again? Five?

SKATEPUP:  Yeah.

MR. SP:  Okay.  Are you guys going to meetings together?

SKATEPUP:  Yeah.

MR. SP:  Okay. Look, I think if you two are doing the couple thing in a meeting sometimes it's hard to be in the meeting and not be into the couple thing, so how about three meetings a week without her, okay?  There's that one men's stag you liked, put that in your mix.

He mulled it over for only a moment.

SKATEPUP:  Okay, that's doable.

MR. SP:  How much time does she have?

SKATEPUP:  Five years.

FIVE YEARS?!?

MR. SP:  Five years?  Ah. Interesting.

SKATEPUP:  What?

MR. SP:  Nothing.  I guess I just assumed she was a newcomer.  Is she really active... I mean, does she have service commitments or sponsees or anything?

SKATEPUP:  Not right now I guess.  I think she goes to more meetings now that we're together.

That doesn't sound too good.

MR. SP:  Well, that's good.  I mean, good that she's going to more meetings now and all.

He looked at me sideways again.

SKATEPUP:  You're... you don't think this is...

MR. SP:  Let me stop you right there.  Do I have some concerns?  Sure.  Am I "against" it?  Not really. I'm not for it but I'm not against it.  Try and go slow and we'll see what happens.  I've seen it go well and I've seen it not go well.

And I've seen it blow up like an IED.  But clucking my tongue and wagging my finger was only going to distance us.  And the truth is I DON'T know how it will go.  He tilted his head and stopped walking, bringing me to a stop as well.

SKATEPUP:  I've never heard you talk about... are you dating anyone?

I smiled.

MR. SP:  It's complicated.

He gave me a look that made it clear how insufficient that answer was. 

MR. SP:  Let's just say a regular hook-up -- isn't that what you kids call it?  A "hook-up"?

I over pronounced it as if it were a strange foreign phrase.

SKATEPUP:  You can stop acting like you're 80.

MR. SP:  But I am!  I've just had a lot of work done!

SKATEPUP:  "...a regular hookup..." go on...

MR. SP:  A regular hookup became something else, something more... something special maybe, but I'm not sure yet exactly what.  Or how I feel.  Entirely.  Yet.  But we're not exclusive anyway so...

SKATEPUP:  Are you avoiding intimacy?

MR. SP:  I think I avoid the potential for any strong emotions, actually.  And I keep trying to avoid intimacy in this but it just keeps... getting more intimate.

SKATEPUP:  Well... God will do for you...

MR. SP:  You did NOT just Program quote me.

He laughed, then held his arms up in a victory stance.

SKATEPUP:  Yes!

He grew serious again. 

SKATEPUP:  Have you ever been in love?

I could feel myself smile, but I don't know what kind it was, actually.  Fond rememberance?  Wistful regret?  Gas?

MR. SP:  Well, I have been, over the years, as in love as I was able to feel, through all my ice and walls and crossed wiring.  It was always as real and as honest as I was capable of.  But...

He waited.  I thought about it and then finished.

MR. SP:  But I also know there were times when romance -- potentially a real connection -- came my way but I was too damaged to let it in.

He nodded, and seemed to digest this.

MR. SP:  What about you?  What about this right now?  Do you think you could be... do you think this has the potential to be serious?

He shrugged.

SKATEPUP:  I dunno.  Right now I'm good with...

I laughed.

MR. SP:  Yes, I imagine you are.

We'd made it around the park and came to his bus stop.

MR. SP:  Keep me posted.

SKATEPUP:  Will do.

The bus pulled up and I headed on up the sidewalk.  After a few steps though I called over my shoulder.

MR. SP:  Be careful though.

He gave me a nod.  One of those chin up ones not the head ducking kind.

SKATEPUP:  You too.

I nodded back. 

Me too.

 

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