Mr. SponsorPants

Sober Texting 14

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Walking in the door to work this morning, my phone chirped the "incoming text" tone. 

I pulled it out and this was what I read:

 

THEM:  Day 1. Sad, relieved, a little lost. Staying close.

 

Well... damn. I knew this didn't mean it was Day 1 of a new diet.

 

ME: Yes. Please stay close. You are loved and all any of us have is today. You have great experience with the tools - listen to your heart and not your head. I am here for you.

THEM: I will. Thanks.

 

I hadn't seen them around for a little while (only a little while), but I didn't think much of it. Just because they didn't go to the meeting I usually saw them at didn't necessarily mean they weren't going to meetings. I'd had no idea they relapsed till I got this text.

I don't have the details yet. And when (if) I get them, they will both matter and not matter. Why did they drink? (Or use.) They are an alcoholic. Whatever poisonous icing is slathered atop each of our slices of addiction cake, whatever rationalizations in the mind, or destructive actions -- or destructive inactions -- are part of the equation in this case, the bottom line is people relapse because they are alcoholic.

This person had some challenge with relapse in the past, but had put some good time together. It makes me unutterably sad that they're going though this, but the fact that they're reaching out and (hopefully) going to get back in the lifeboat is very encouraging. 

Relapse is not inevitable.

It's not rare... but it's not common, either. It's just a part of some peoples' stories is all.

When it happens, we reach out to each other. We listen.

If there's a post-mortem on the relapse process, and I'm part of it, I try to be very clearly non-judgmental, but also not cosign any bullshit. If my motive is purely to be helpful, and not to massage my own ego in those times (always something to watch out for), then I'm on fairly safe ground to (with compassion) offer honest feedback.

I hope to have the chance to see them later, when I get off work -- or at least talk to them live.

I pray to be of maximum service.

I pray for them.

I pray for all of us.

I wouldn't mind some help with that.

 

 

 

 

Lunch with an old sober friend

 

 

 

 

Old Irish: So... I was wondering.

Mr. SponsorPants: Mmm hmmm?

I was perusing the menu. I was listening, but I was also in a deep inner debate over what kind of soup to order with my salad.

Old Irish: Do you think it's passive aggressive to...

He trailed off. It took me a moment to realize he'd done so. I looked up and tuned in.

Mr. SponsorPants: Do I think it's passive aggressive to... ?

Old Irish: Nothing. Never mind. What are you ordering?

Mr. SponsorPants: Big salad, big soup. Probably the tomato, it's really good here.

Old Irish: You know what else is good here? The home fries. And the carrot cake.

Mr. SponsorPants: Satan, get Thee behind me.

The waiter came and we placed our order. Waters were refilled, bread basket waved away and finally the stage business of sitting down to order was complete.

Mr. SponsorPants: So what was that? What was passive aggressive?

Old Irish: Nothing exactly. I just...

I waited. We go back more than 25 years. I knew he'd get there if he wanted to.

Old Irish: Do you think it's passive aggressive to respond to a passive aggressive text with a link to the Wikipedia Article on passive aggression?

Mr. SponsorPants: Wait... what? Huh?

Old Irish: Do you think...

I held up my hand

Mr. SponsorPants: bup bup wait wait hang on. Let me find my way here. You got a text that you think was passive aggressive.

Old Irish: Yes. Very passive aggressive. Here, let me read it to you...

My hand went up again.

Mr. SponsorPants: No. Nope. You aren't going to read me the text.

Old Irish: I'm not? Why not?

Mr. SponsorPants: Because we are not fifteen year old girls in junior high school. Just... just give me the gist of it.

He did.

Mr. SponsorPants: Okay. That is indeed passive aggressive. And you want to answer with... a link to a definition of passive aggression?

Old Irish: Yes. I just want to text back the link to the article in Wikipedia about passive aggression. Not say anything or anything just... just text them the link. Do you think that's passive aggressive?

I gave him a long, level look.

Mr. SponsorPants: To just text a link in response. Nothing more.

Old Irish: Yeah.

I spoke very slowly, rubbing my chin and staring off into space

Mr. SponsorPants: Wellll, actually...

I trailed off and kept staring into space

Old Irish: Actually... what?

Mr. SponsorPants: Hang on, I'm doing the math.

Old Irish: The math?

Mr. SponsorPants: Yeah. That's... that's... yes, I think I've got it. It's not passive aggressive...

Old Irish (hopeful): It's not?

Mr. SponsorPants: No, because... I think... yes, that's right. I think it's actually passive aggressive squared.

My straight face started to crumble and I began to laugh.

Mr. SponsorPants: Congratulations, you have somehow envisioned the very first passive aggressive feedback loop.

Old Irish: Oh my god. Shut up. I hate you.

Mr. SponsorPants: It's like... it's like the Hadron Super Collider of dysfunction!

Old Irish: Shut up. Seriously.

Mr. SponsorPants: It's like...

Old Irish: Oh my god! Why are we even still friends?

Mr. SponsorPants: Because we know where all the bodies are buried. Now seriously, I understand but... no. That's not your best response.

Old Irish: I know. I guess. I just...

Mr. SponsorPants: It's just that your buttons are being pushed and you want to fight back. You want to fight fire with napalm.

Old Irish: Seriously. Yeah.

Mr. SponsorPants: "Not for us the dubious luxuries..."

Old Irish: Shut up. I know.

Mr. SponsorPants: Other people's behavior... come on... bring it home with me...

Old Irish (very dramatic sigh): ... does not dictate our behavior.

Mr. SponsorPants: Afraid so. I commend you. Just texting the link would be a brilliant response. But...

Old Irish: I know. I know... I know!

Sometimes in sobriety -- and in life, I suppose -- we just need someone we love and trust to tell us -- to say out loud for us -- what we already know is the truth.

Mr. SponsorPants: attaboy!

Old Irish: If I order some carrot cake, will you split it with me?

Mr. SponsorPants: No, but order it anyway.

Old Irish: Because I deserve a treat.

Mr. SponsorPants: What? Hell no. You don't need a reward for doing the right thing at this point in your sobriety.

Old Irish: Then what did you...

Mr. SponsorPants: Order the cake because if you get fatter I will look thinner when I stand next to you!

Old Irish: Seriously. I hate you. Really, you are insufferable sometimes.

Mr. SponsorPants: I know. So many of our little exchanges end this way. Isn't it great?

 

There are more essays like this in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone.

 

 

 

The New Sponsee 13

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've discovered the "talk text" feature on my phone, which allows me to dictate my texts rather than laboriously enter them via the tiny keyboard on my phone's screen. This, as you might imagine, is both boon and bane. It saves me a lot of time and irritation and permits more complete, thorough text messages when warranted. But... I do tend to go on.

And on.

Still and all, it's been really handy for back-and-forth with sponsees, (in this case the Skateboard Pup) when one or the other of us is unable to talk on the phone and a more immediate exchange than emailing is desired.

Recently the Skate Pup has gotten a new job, and is having a hard time with some aspects of corporate life. And some aspects of corporate supervisors. I had laughingly told him recently that I had always thought of writing a brief business book entitled "Don't Click Send," as some of the biggest mistakes I've made over the years was sending that email that perhaps shouldn't have been sent -- or should have been very, very heavily edited prior to sending...

 

SKATE BOARD PUP: Don't click send... right?

MR. SPONSORPANTS: Right.

SBP: I was/am sooooo close...

MR. SP: ?

SBP: Boss.

MR. SP: Yes, that is not an amends you want to have to work to become willing to make.

SBP: Yes.

a few minutes pass

SBP: ...what if you're standing up for yourself? I'm not sending the email... just curious.

MR. SP: When I feel I need to stand up for myself... Well then it becomes a mindful exercise in HOW I say whatever it is I feel that I need to say.

SBP: Ah.

MR. SP: And then, in business communication, being mindful in that way not only keeps me squarely rooted in the principles by which I must live - not because I want to be a "good boy" - fuck that - but because if I don't, I have empirical proof that I will get crazier in my head.

SBP: Aaaah. Ok.

MR. SP: But also because I must not let my passion, my anger, my need for my day in court -- even when it is justified -- prevent me from playing a good game of chess.

SBP: The "good game of chess" being the thoughtful/mindful way I say what I need to say...

MR. SP: Yes! YES! And also literally "strategic communication." Both "Managing Up," i.e., managing my supervisors, and also "Managing Down," being sensitive to holding authority over people and how that can charge my communication with them and how they hear it (just as it hapens to me when people who have career power over me communicate with me...). Not speaking from either ego or alcoholism or just plain old fear and anger. One rarely advances their career or argument or cause when speaking from anger.

SBP: ...damn!

a few more minutes pass

SBP: But what about when I feel strongly about something?

MR. SP: Well, I don't want to lapse into a word game around this, but I believe there is a difference between when I speak with passion or enthusiasm vs. when I speak with rage and rancor.

SBP: What if I can't shift gears? I mean emotionally?

MR. SP: Then don't click send.

SBP: ...

MR. SP: Pop Quiz! Fill in the missing word: "We BLANK when agitated..."

SBP: LOL

MR. SP: No, that's not quite right. LOL'ing when agitated, depending on the circumstances, can result in a 72 hour hold.

SBP: LOL!

MR. SP: "We BLANK..."

SBP: Pause! Pause! "We PAUSE when agitated..."

MR. SP: Huzzah! A+! So basically, buddy, cool your jets, write about it but don't...

SBP: ... click send. Right.

several minutes pass

SBP: You realize you have a whole Mr. SponsorPants post here. :-)

MR. SP: lol I guess I do! Thanks!

SBP: Thanks, Mr. SP.

MR. SP: Hey, it's a two-way street, you know that by now. You're most definetely not the only one who needed to hear that today. It's a big help to me, too.  Cheers!

 

 _________________________________________________________________

 

 

There are more essays like this in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone.

 

 

 

Sober Texting 13

 

 

Being a holiday, my phone was less handy than usual, but I checked it semi-regularly to keep up with my extended AA family -- thus, when one sponsee texted that they were having a rough time with family and partner, I didn't see it for a short while.

Before I had a chance to respond they texted me this:

Sorry. I feel like I shouldn't have sent that. Although I'm about to have a meltdown. Sorry.

I reread what they'd written above their apology, and thought about how, for all the healing in our lives, sometimes the holidays can seriously sucker punch you. Then I told God, The Universe or The Great Whatever, "Okay, buddy, that's your cue. You're on..." and started texting. This is what I sent back:

Hey now, please never feel like you have to apologize for sharing with me how you're doing. Holidays are often supercharged, weirdly emotional, history-laden things. And apparently the recipe of our lives calls for a little salt in with the sugar. And we know in our hearts that God's in the kitchen, mixing up just the most fabulous things for us but in our heads sometimes it's hard -- especially on days like today -- to remember that. To believe that. So give yourself a hug and be gentle with yourself first, and then if there's a little gentle left to spare (and I'm sure there will be) be gentle with those around you. But mostly be gentle with yourself. Your life is so different now, you've changed so much... in so many ways the healthy things in our lives can still seem weirdly alien and uncomfortable. When we lose our spiritual equilibrium human contact can feel like a sharp slap on a sunburn. But the people that trouble us, even our own sensitivity, are gifts. Gifts you've earned. Gifts you've gown into. Loving, healthy gifts you deserve. And I promise everything will be alright. There's just going to be some patches today where you have to reach for that belief again. REMEMBER: You are loved. By God. By me. By a whole bunch of people - families both biological and spiritual. They may be clumsy in how they show it to you, but it's still true. Today will pass, and another one will roll around. You are doing great! Don't pick up the first drink and not only will everything eventually work itself out, it will work out better than we can possibly imagine. We just can't see it from where we're standing right now. Courage. I believe in you.

I know, I know, I can be a rather long winded texter on occasion. Still and all, that's what came out, and when I give God, The Universe or The Great Whatever their cue, I try not to edit too much as it comes through. Not claiming to be a channeller (though that would be So! Cool!) I just mean I trust that the sincere intent to be of service to others can sometimes gift us with the right thing to say at the right time, when needed.

Later on we had the chance to speak properly rather than text, and of course things had improved, because even though when they're bad it never feels like they will, they eventually always do. And of course -- and those of you who are regular Mr. SponsorPants readers will know this part is coming -- it wasn't just my sponsee who needed to hear that on the holiday, it was me, too.

And that, folks, is not just how, but why it works.

If things went a little south for you on the holiday: Courage.

I don't have to have met you to believe in you, since if you are following the principles of the 12 Steps to the best of your ability (even if that "best" feels a little shoddy at the moment) I know you're on the right path, and will do the right thing - and if you don't, well then by God you can clean it up and try to do better on the next pass.

Be gentle with yourself.

Courage.

Let's all just take it one day at a time, okay?

 

 

Sober Texting 12

 

 

FORMER SPONSEE:  I don't believe in God anymore.

MR. SPONSORPANTS:  Man, you have a helluva way of saying 'hello.'

FS:  Well I don't.

MR. SP:  Ok.

 

A few minutes go by.

 

FS:  Don't you want to know why?

MR. SP:  No.

More minutes pass.

 

FS:  It's because of everything that happened.

I consider several responses and decide on short and completely honest.  I suppose the word "blunt" is not entirely inaccurate.

MR. SP:  Maybe.

FS:  Maybe?  What the hell does that mean?

MR. SP:  Look, I don't want to play, ok?

FS:  No, tell me what you mean.

MR. SP:  You want to make a speech about God and fairness and ask 'why' a lot and then when I say what I always say -- which is that logic alone will not get you to faith, and if a rigid logic is all you have in times of doubt it will fail you -- then you'll argue with me saying "yeah but..." a lot.

FS:  Wow you sure think you know it all.

MR. SP:  Then you will want to use all of that as a rationalization to do whatever you decided you wanted to do before you ever picked up your phone and texted me.

FS: You know what you are?

MR. SP: Besides fat, middle-aged and tired?

FS:  Funny  Always so funny.  You're arrogant, that's what you are.

MR. SP:  You know, this little back and forth has been great, but I'm going to say goodbye now.

 

I turned off my phone.  It had been a long day and I was tired.  I reserve the right to be totally wrong about every thing I texted.  Ultimately, in my experience, they are an angry individual and I pray for them, but I did my time.  I don't have to dance with them anymore, and I have no more answers and as many doubts and questions as anyone, most days.

Especially these past few days.

But I know that no matter what happens in the world, there is a part of me, beyond the parts of me which are griefstricken or awestruck or amazed or disgusted, which will genuinely use anything at all to justify doing what I secretly really want to do.

And that part of me is the part which is infused with my alcoholism, and whatever doubts or questions I may have on any given day I must guard against that part being the only part making decisions about my actions.

So I guess that, then, is also evidence of something Greater than myself -- some sort of Grace -- since on my own that part is indeed calling the shots, since in the darkest corners of me it's what I want.

This all may read silly but it feels messy and it lives real.

 

still clumsy on the little touchscreen keypad

 

 

 

I was texting a sponsee and my fingers, clumsy still on the little touchscreen keypad, missed a letter.

I'd meant to type:  "It's all good."

But instead I typed:  "It's all god."

I thought for a moment and shrugged.

Either one, right?

 

 

Sober Texting 11

 

 

SPONSEE:  I'm not restless, irritable and discontent.

 

MR. SPONSORPANTS: You sure?  I mean, it IS the alcoholic's natural state.

 

SPONSEE: Yeah.

 

MR. SP:  Then what are you?

 

SPONSEE:  I'm an asshole.  I'm just an asshole.

 

MR. SP:  Oh.

 

a few minutes go by

 

MR. SP:  Are you sure?

 

SPONSEE:  Yeah.

 

MR. SP:  Oh.

 

a few more minutes go by

 

MR. SP:  Good news!

 

SPONSEE:  What.

 

MR. SP:  I'm pretty sure that the 12 Steps work on assholeaholism too!

 

a few minutes go by

 

SPONSEE:  Your unfailing optimism can be very irritating.

 

MR. SP:  I know!  Isn't it great?

Sober Texting 10

 

Sponsee:  Just checking in.

Mr. SponsorPants: Ok.

Sponsee: Not going to make the meeting tomorrow.

Mr. SP: Oh?

Sponsee:  Yeah. Just no time.

Mr. SP: Oh?

Sponsee: Yeah. A lot going on.

Mr. SP: Oh?

Sponsee:  Is that all you are going to say? "Oh?"

Mr. SP: No.

a minute goes by

Sponsee: Well?

Mr. SP: Didn't you once tell me you drove across town in the rain to find a certain bar?

Sponsee: Yes.  Think so.

Mr. SP:  And it was night?

Sponsee: Yes.

Mr. SP: And you had one headlight?

several minutes go by

Sponsee: I see what you are doing.

Mr. SP:  And you had one headlight?

Sponsee: Yes!

Mr. SP: And your license was expired?

Sponsee: Yes. Ok.

Mr. SP: And you had a bench warrant out for a Failure to Appear?

Sponsee:  Yes! Yes! Ok! I will go to a meeting!

Mr. SP:  Oh, don't go on my account.

Sponsee:  F.U.

Mr. SP:  :-)

 

Speaking for myself, if I put even half the effort in to getting to meetings that I did to get a drink, I can always find time for a meeting.

Sober Texting 9

 

 

Them:  I need to develop a relationship with God.

Mr. SponsorPants:  No u don't.

Them:  I don't?

Mr. SP:  No, because u already have a relationship with God.

Them:  Oh.  I do? 

Mr. SP:  Think about it: How could u NOT have a relationship with God?

Them:  OH!  Right!

Mr. SP:  U already have a relationship -- u just need to become more aware of it.

Them:  oh.  Thanks.

Mr. SP: Actually, thank U.

Them:  Me?

Mr. SP:  Yeah, I really needed to hear that today.

Them:  Oh.  Then u r welcome lol.

 

Sober Texting 8

 

THEM: u know those people that relapsed?  that died?

ME:  yes.

THEM:  have u known a lot of people that did that?

ME:  yes. enough. too many.

   silence for a few minutes

THEM:  makes me think.

ME: well that's good, i guess.

THEM:  i want to die sober.

ME:  oh my god! right now?

THEM:  no! lol

ME:  oh. good. one thing though.

THEM:  what?

ME:  how about u just stay sober till u go to bed tonight, instead.

THEM:  check. o.d.a.t.

ME:  check.