Mr. SponsorPants

instead of thinking about

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh my god you guys he bugs me so much he is odd looking so am I but I'm busy taking someone's inventory here so let's not bring that up okay and when we go around the room and identify he always makes a little performance out of it always always and every time he shares he manages to work some pathetic passive aggressive martyr thing into it and I swear half the time he is looking at me when he shares like he is seeking some kind of permission or approval or something because I've been nice to him so now he's glommed onto me and ugh I don't want to be false but shunning is never the right thing to do so I try to find a good honest middle ground and focus on taking the higher road and all that crap but oh my god you guys he bugs me so much I've prayed for him and written about it and done some low grade minor character assassination with like minded fellows and each of those things in turn was helpful but oh my god you guys today was the living end every time we pray as a group he has to go faster or slower than everyone or add extra words or something and it just makes me absolutely freaking nuts

but

after the meeting I was walking a block over to wear my Lyft car was going to pick me up so I could go to work (it is one of my 7:30 am meetings and I can neatly fit it in before I have to be sitting at my desk like the grown ups do I keep my head down and they haven't figured out I'm not a grown up yet phew)

and he had walked out of the meeting a few feet in front of me

needless to say, I slowed my pace considerably to let the distance between us grow

(there's a lesson there you say? when I willfully slow my progress I increase the distance between myself and others? it is perhaps a metaphor you say? bite me I say I'm not ready to completely let go of my resentment especially since we're both going to be at this meeting at 7:30am three times a week)

and so he was quite a bit ahead of me

and he turned down a kind of alley

not like serious dark and dank urban alley

more like the not well paved narrow road that runs behind a bunch of shops where everyone has their dumpsters and stuff

and there he was rolling along

and some wretched I mean truly wretched homeless guy was limping along and pushing his cart towards the guy who drives me crazy and the homeless guy's cart got a wheel stuck in some little mini pot hole and

without missing a beat

the guy who is driving me crazy

went right over

didn't hesitate for even a split second

and helped this poor wretched fellow free his cart

and then he stood and talked with him for a bit

it wasn't even a drive by help thing it was an

"I see you" thing

and the really bitchy part of me

who let's face it is never really far off stage

wants to say that when the homeless guy got his cart going again and walked away he said to himself

"man that guy is really on some passive aggressive martyr trip"

but of course that is not anything close to what Mr. Bugs Me So Much said I am certain

he probably said something upbeat and kind and

tomorrow morning when I see him

I'm going to think about him helping that wretched homeless guy

without even a second's hesitation

instead of thinking about

how much he bugs me.

 

 

 

 

 

waiting for ME to do something

 

 

 

 

 

 

If after I pray I'm

waiting for God to do something,

I've got it backwards.

 

God is the Principal, I am the Agent.

 

God may do something,

(God my do something pretty spectacular)

but I've got to give God something to work with.

 

Over the course of my life

when I've been sitting there

waiting for God to do something,

I believe

God's been sitting there,

waiting for ME to do something.

 

Faith without works

is dead.

 

 

 

 

I regret to inform you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I needed this reminder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

all the same people you do

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New Sponsee 18: The Last Amends Part 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

Closing in on three years along, the Skateboard Pup was down to his last amends.

(Well, last one from his original list as we've gone through the 12 Steps in the Big Book. I've never met an alcoholic -- present company very much included -- who couldn't manage to step on a toe or two in the course of any given month week day.)

It was the one that had haunted him; spiritually dogged him; since he wrote about it on his Fourth step and shared it with me during his Fifth.

As happens more than is likely to be pure coincidence, circumstances had aligned in a strange and highly unlikely way to present the poor Pup with a perfect and fairly immediate chance to "... make direct amends..." as the Ninth Step suggests.

And although he was trying to convince me -- and thus himself -- that he was game, the fact was, deep down he was having none of it.

 

Skateboard Pup: I guess what I keep coming back to is... you know... what if it not only doesn't go well it kind of... brings up a lot of other stuff for me.

Mr. SponsorPants: A lot of other stuff. Like... what kind of other stuff.

SBP: Just... you know. I don't know. What if I wind up feeling bad about myself bringing up all that old...

Mr. SP: Oooh. You don't want to make the amends because you're afraid... well, you're afraid it will hurt.

SBP: No!

I sat there.

SBP: Well I wouldn't put it that way, but...

Mr. SP: How would you put it?

SBP: I guess... like isn't it bad for my self esteem or something to... I mean I've done all the others and this just seems... maybe I need to pray about it more.

Mr. SP: Did you pray about it already?

SBP: Yes.

Mr. SP: And now [I described the unusual circumstances which came together].

SBP: Wellllllll... yes. I guess.

His agreement was offered with such reluctance I had to struggle for just a second not to laugh.

Mr. SP: So I'm going to call that 'prayer answered' and 'time for action.'

I have seen small children confronting a plate of Brussels Sprouts evince more enthusiasm to get on with it than the Pup seemed able to muster at that moment.

Mr. SP: Gotta say, it feels an awful lot like a problem with willingness right now.

SBP: No, I'm willing.

Mr. SP: mmm. 'We who are about to die, salute you.'

SBP: Huh?

Mr. SP: Skip it. If it's not willingness, as you claim, then it's this... damage to your self esteem you're worried about, after having worked hard to create some, I'm going to (by extension) take as your larger inference.

SBP: ooookay.

He was on his guard. For good reason. He knows me too well now.

Mr. SP: So this damage to your self esteem would... hurt you. So it's what I said, you're afraid making the amends will hurt you.

SBP: I still don't think that's exactly... sure. Fine. Yes.

Mr. SP: Well there you go. You have a fundamental misunderstanding at work.

SBP: I do?

Mr. SP: Yes. You do. There is no 'me' in the Ninth Step.

SBP: There is no 'me' in the Ninth Step.

He said it like someone who'd bitten into something and was unsure what they were tasting.

Mr. SP: Come on, man. You know this. The only people we're worried about hurting when we make an amends is the recipient or... well, anyone else. But not ourselves. Amends are both the key to a serious freedom, which I know you've experienced from doing your others...

SBP: Yes, but...

Mr. SP: Please. Don't even try.

He laughed.

SBP: Okay. And what else? The key to serious freedom and...?

Mr. SP: An invitation to the All You Can Eat Humility Buffet. At least for the duration of the amends. Afterwards...

SBP: I know. I know.

This was, after all, his last amends. Not his first. He DID know.

Mr. SP: And so... the time is now.

I waited.

SBP: You mean like... NOW now?

I shrugged. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and then closed it more firmly. Between you and me? This kid never fails to inspire me. I felt like I could actually see him go from reluctance to resignation to acceptance to determination in the space of two quelled objections.

SBP: Okay then. Now.

And he got out his phone to arrange a face-to-face.

 

 

 

 

not doing it to you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

teach me the most

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The people who challenge me the most, teach me the most.

 

 

i take my inspiration where I can get it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...okay, sounds good. But how do I do that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do I do that?

The answer is found on the bottom of page 66 and the top of page 67 of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," AA's Big Book.