Mr. SponsorPants

he was pretty broken up about his relapse

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was pretty broken up about his relapse. 

I'd watched him come in to AA and be pretty regular at my home group for close to two years; but then

as sometimes (I won't say often, but I won't say seldom, either) happens, the life AA gave him started to pull him away from AA.

 

I'm not one to say we need to create little AA boxes around ourselves and live small lives, but keeping one foot planted firmly in Alcoholics Anonymous has allowed me to range pretty far, in the fashion that was right for me (and in the fashion I was capable of. At the end of it all, I suppose we mostly create lives as big as we can handle).

And as I've said (I imagine someone out there going, "...and said, and said and said, Mr. SponsorPants. Jeeze, broken record much?") for me, keeping one foot firmly planted in AA means a regular schedule of meetings, service commitments, sponsees... the whole sober enchilada. (Oh man, "The Sober Enchilada" would be an awesome name for some kind of blazing Mexican wedding band.)

He had stood up as a newcomer at the meeting, and clearly it was not an easy thing for him to do. The leader of the meeting read out, "Is there anyone here in their first thirty days who would like to stand up and introduce themselves so we may get to know you better?" and as he stood, and announced his time sober (4 days) his body language was somewhere between "I'm about to rabbit right the hell out of here" and "I'm a brave patriot about to take a bullet for my country" -- that uniquely heady alcoholic mix of defiance and ego; fear and bravado.

It's a pretty big meeting. The speaker talks for fifteen to twenty minutes, then there's the usual business with chips and sober anniversary acknowledgments and then sharing from the floor. 

He was in my line of sight from my usual seat in the front row of a back section (even my seating choices are conflicted!) so I watched him as much as I paid attention to the speaker. I thought maybe I saw his hand flutter up to about thigh height for a moment when they opened the floor for sharing, but it might have just been the shakes. Four days off the sauce (and whatever else) he could certainly still have the shakes.

After the meeting I worked through the usual milling about as people queued up to thank the speaker, arranged after-meeting meal plans, etc. and made my way to his side.

"Hey, I'm glad you're here." I said.

He jumped. I'd inadvertently approached out of his line of sight.

"What? Oh. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Me too. Right. Yeah. Um. Yeah. Right. Me too."

One foot was already pointed toward the door, and he was three quarters turned away from me by his last 'me too.' In the struggle between run like a rabbit and square your shoulders in defiance, the rabbit was clearly winning.

"It was pretty brave to be honest here."

"Yeah. I guess. I just..." he got hoarse and cleared his throat. 

"It's not easy." I said. 

"No. I just can't stop thinking about the time I lost."

"You didn't lose it." I said. 

"I didn't?" he looked confused.

"No. You gave it away."

Confusion started to give way to anger.

"Yeah? What the hell's that mean?"

Ah, here's the defiance coming back around. Better than the scared bunny, but not by much.

"It means that if you want to act all victimized by your alcoholism, you can cast yourself in this weepy, sad 'I lost it...it's gone, it's gone' role. Or, you can own it. And then fight like hell to get your sobriety back. And lemme tell you, if what I've seen is any indication, the first time getting sober's a lot easier than the second time. It can be a real fight." I kept my tone even as I laid it out for him. 

"Jesus. Is that supposed to make me feel better or something?" 

"No. But on your way home, think about it. And if you want to, call me later." Although most of the time in 2017 it's all about putting our numbers in each others' phones, occasionally it pays to be old school. I had a card with my number on it in my wallet, and I'd slipped it into my shirt pocket earlier with the plan to give it to him regardless of whether I got to talk to him at any length or not.

"There's something important about relapsing that you should remember." I added, handing him my card.

"What?" he asked, guarded as the new kid on his first day of school.

"If you get honest, and own it, and share about it, you can help somebody else not relapse. You know as well as I do not everyone is lucky enough to have your second chance. We've both been to those memorial services."

"I... I don't feel like I have anything to offer." 

"No one ever does. No one ever does." I shrugged "But what you think is a lot less important than what you do."

I let him chew on that. He'd had a good foundation for his first year -- I'd seen it -- and that was the part I was trying to talk to.

"I have to go," I said "I'm meeting a sponsee in a few minutes for a bite. Call me later, if you want to."

I'm generally more of a hugger than a hand shaker, but the moment felt strangely formal, so I stuck out my hand. We shook.

"Okay, well... thanks, I guess."  He moved towards the door and I went back to my chair and retrieved my coat. 

On the way to meet my sponsee, I thought about our exchange. I'm usually a little softer with people, but in the moment that's what came out -- and thinking about it, I shrugged, mentally. While I've made plenty of mistakes along the way, when it comes to service I have faith in my instincts. If that's what came out, then that's what came out. I believe if we guard against ego and the only motivation we have is to help, then that is (as the Big Book suggests) the "proper use of the will."

 

He called late last night, and we talked for a long time. 

I sincerely hope it helped him, but I absolutely know

it helped me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shooters - Quick shots from meetings: ...what kills the oldtimers

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sure, it's very much resentment which takes out the newcomers.

The book's not wrong about that.

But from what I've seen, I think pride is what kills the oldtimers.

 

 

 

 

 

Thomas reminds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to be vital

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can lead the meeting blah blah blah.

I can share at meetings blah blah blah.

I can Speak at meetings blah blah blah.

(or blah blah Conferences blah blah blah.)

I can write and write and write blah blah blah.

And all that blah blah can certainly be good and worthwhile and helpful.

 

But if I want a powerful, vibrant connection with the spirituality I blah blah about then the recipe for that is clear: Self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive ACTION.

When I first showed up in AA they told me that I couldn't think myself into right action, I had to act myself into right thinking.

That principle applies to my faith as well. I can't talk myself into a conscious contact with a power greater than myself, I can only act myself into it. I must act like an unselfish person would act. I must act like a person who sacrifices their own convenience and time and energy to be helpful to others. And when I do, my faith comes alive. My faith becomes vital.

(Worth repeating: Willingness does not mean "want to.")

I'll be honest with you, kids, I was really hoping I could find a loophole around this one, since some days I would much prefer to talk about it than do it, but twenty-seven years in this is still the only equation that works.

Or, as it says elsewhere in the Big Book: "It works. It really does."

 

 

worth repeating

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

she would know; lady sang the blues

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

never too late. NEVER.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's never too late to start: Sobriety, recovery... saving your life from the hundred ways addicts -- and humans -- try to hurt ourselves.

If you are brand new, or it's early days for you, remember, you don't have to live that way anymore. It's said often enough to taste a little like a cliche, but that doesn't make it any less authentic a statement for all of that.

And if you've been at the rodeo for a while, and that secret you've been keeping is about to make you explode, or it's pretty dark and you wonder if you're worth saving after all, remember, you don't have to drink to start over.

It's never too late to start where you are.

To use what you have.

And to do what you can.

Plus, because you're in AA, you don't even have to do it alone.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

AsapSCIENCE (via YouTube): The Scientific Power of Meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love the AsapSCIENCE Channel on YouTube. They put together quick, smart-but-easy-to-follow videos on a huge variety of science-related subject matter. Very recently they did one on "The Scientific Power of Meditation:"

 

The Scientific Power of Meditation

 

The video is all of three minutes and two seconds long. Well worth the time.

One of my big take-aways:

"... studies found that after 8 weeks of a meditation program gray matter was more dense in areas associated with learning, memory processing and emotion regulation, and yet the amygdala which deals with stress, blood pressure and fear had decreased gray matter..."

The Eleventh Step says "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him..." It does not say "Sought through prayer and meditation except when we think we can't sit still, don't have time or secretly think we'll be bored..."

Bust yourself on your bullshit, find a meditation practice and get started. There is not an alcoholic -- hell, there is not a person -- to be found who has a regular practice who doesn't name it as an incredibly powerful healing and transformational tool.

 

 

That's been my experience, anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind... "

-- Big Book, Chapter 2, There is a Solution, pg. 23

Untreated alcoholism actively works to prevent my ability to "observe" my thinking. It obscures and distorts the logical sequence of thoughts which would allow me to connect action with consequence.

"There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove."

-- Big Book, Chapter 2, There is a Solution, pg. 24

It was listening in AA meetings, and then working through all 12 Steps, which finally allowed me to perceive the "alcoholic thinking" in my mind as it was happening. And once I could "see" it, I could do something about it.

It is a solution, however, which needs consistent reapplication. I continue to go to AA meetings and follow AA's suggestions because when I become lax about that my ability to recognize alcoholic thinking for what it is fades away as well.

That's been my experience, anyway.

 

 

 

Mr. SponsorPants 7th Annual Holiday Survival Guide

 

 

 

 

 

 In years past it was pointed out that I put this up on the blog a little late to be of any practical use to people. So here, while travel arrangements might still be in the works, (and thus this would hopefully be more helpful) is "Mr. SponsorPants Annual Sober Holiday Survival Guide:"

In reviewing this every year I find there is little I would add or change (it's not sloth! It's not!). Most often in sobriety I find that it's less about constantly finding new things to do as it is about remembering to do the things that work.

This was written to be a group of broad suggestions to cover whether you're newcomer or long timer, host or guest, travelling to family out of town or (God help you) having the familial hordes descend upon you, attending a work function, a casual gathering or a formal affair. Hope there is something helpful here for everyone!

 

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Holidays, families and alcoholics. A potent combination, be it for feeling gratitude or copping an attitude. As the old joke goes, no one knows how to push your buttons like your family -- after all, they installed them. With that said, here is some of the best I can offer when it comes to holiday parties, family visits, and this whole wonderful/terrible time of year:

1. Remember, you don't have to go. Yes, yes, maybe you should go. Maybe it's a bad idea for your career, or it would be hurtful or disappointing to someone if you don't go -- those can be compelling reasons to get on a plane or show up at a party -- but you don't have to go. You aren't trapped, and you can change your mind at any time if you need to -- you can turn that car right around on the way to the airport or before you enter the parking structure. If you are a real addict your life is on the line, and though we can be prone to drama and selfish decisions, it's obviously better to stay sober, and after the fact determine if you might have been oversensitive or dramatic (a very real possibility), than to force yourself to go somewhere slippery when you're feeling frightened, resentful and trapped -- and then relapse. Because if you really are an alcoholic then your alcoholism really is trying to kill you -- and you may have taken the holiday off, but it hasn't.

2. Remember, you can leave. In the middle of a sentence, in the middle of a toast, in the middle of the cutting of a cake, you can, without drama, without a scene, excuse yourself and leave. If the occasion or the moment seems to indicate a reason should be offered, just say you suddenly feel ill and step out. It's not even a falsehood, though you may mean emotionally or spiritually ill and others may think the artichoke dip didn't agree with you. In fact, it doesn't matter if people in the moment believe you or not, or if you have to explain a little more later, or make amends after the fact -- it is better to leave quietly and stay sober than remain at an event and relapse -- because if you relapse, they'll most likely wish you had left. As I've said to sponsees, you can leave with a fork halfway to your mouth, if you have to. Which leads me to...

3. Remember, if at all possible, drive yourself and don't give anyone a lift -- not out of selfishness, out of self preservation. If you have to leave because you are freaking out and you think you might not be able to stay sober then you need to leave -- not wait for someone to dither around saying goodbye or getting their coat or finishing that last slice of pie. If you do have someone with you, hopefully you can explain in advance that you might have to leave abruptly -- not that you're planning on it, but that you might need to -- so help them have a Plan B for leaving if they want to stay, or perhaps agree that they're willing to leave on short notice with you. If you're the passenger, be ready to call a cab or walk to the bus stop or at least step outside for some air. Which brings us to...

4. Remember, you can leave and then return. Leaving doesn't have to mean leaving the whole event and going home or back to the hotel or wherever -- go for a walk, get some of that aforementioned air, sit in the car and scream (though the valet may look at you funny) -- and then once you've gotten your equilibrium again go back in -- with an eye on the Exit for Round 2, if you have to.

5. Remember, don't expect Program responses from people who aren't in the Program. There you are, flush with recovery and armed with a whole new language to identify how you feel and communicate it with people. Remember that the family dinner table is not a 12 Step Meeting, and if you start "sharing" rather than talking you may be met with "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Or worse (in my book) patronizing smiles that are the equivalent of a pat on the head and a "isn't that nice, dear." Again: Don't expect people who aren't in a 12 Step Program to act like people in a 12 Step Program. (And what's the set up there? The evil alcoholic node in that sentence? "expect" -- expectations of family are some of the deepest -- and often least conscious -- and most lethal expectations an alcoholic can have. Yes, it's a high bar to clear -- an impossible bar to clear in fact, to have absolutely no expectations of people -- but if you're aware of the mechanism at work it helps keep the resentments from running you ragged.)

6. Remember, for most addicts, maybe = yes. If you think you might drink or use if you visit certain people or places then that's just a prelude to actually doing so. Be sure of yourself. If you're not sure, the stakes are too high to play a people-pleasing game and place yourself at risk.

7. Remember, other people find the holidays difficult and emotionally charged as well -- you're not the only one having a tough time of it -- watch for ego and hyper-sensitivity, and rather than sit in your own upset, see who and how you can help wherever you may be or whomever you may be with. Short answer: Want to feel better? Be of service.

8. Remember, "Please pass the gravy" is not code for "Please, now that you're sober, unload all of your pent up anger and frustration you've been stuffing for the past X years, right here right now, during dinner."

9. Remember, Alcoholics Anonymous suggests when dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. Even for those of us who are learning that we are not doormats it is not necessarily smart to immediately confront a situation head on. In fact, by writing out a quick inventory (and be careful where you leave that paper lying around if you're visiting home, Bucko) and organizing your thoughts and feelings you can then confront something and talk about the actual thing that caused your resentment, rather than get all tripped up talking about your feelings and anger. It's a very different thing to say "Please don't make jokes about my job" instead of "I feel angry when you make jokes about my job." The latter will just create a discussion about your feelings, and that's not what you're trying to do -- you're setting a boundary, not inviting opinions on your emotional sensitivity level. If you write out your resentment you can get clarity in your head before you open your mouth -- I've tried it the other way, to spectacularly poor results, I assure you. And all that is said with a giant IF in front of the idea that it is wise for you to "confront" anyone at all. Most of the time it probably isn't.

10. Remember, it is possible to look like you're listening intently to someone while you are actually saying The Serenity Prayer over and over in your head.

11. Remember, "love and tolerance is our code." If your family, or your boss, or your employees, or whomever, actually could do any better they probably would. For particularly difficult, toxic or challenging people try to consider that it is much worse to be them than to deal with them -- keep at the forefront of your mind that those who trouble us are spiritually sick themselves, and are deserving of our compassion (as difficult as it may be to summon for some) more than our criticism.

12. Remember, you may not have been such a winner yourself on past occasions -- it may take a while for people to "see" who you are today. Be patient, show who you are now rather than tell who you are now, and things will eventually change.

13. Remember, miracles do happen -- damaged relationships heal, wounded parties forgive, shattered families come back together ... it doesn't happen the way we may envision it, or with a clever soundtrack and excellent lighting as in your favorite independent film, but it really does happen.

14. Remember, breathe. Just three deep breaths before speaking can save a life. I am not exaggerating.

15. Remember, it is not your family's job to understand alcoholism or Alcoholics Anonymous -- it's yours.

16. Remember, it's not your job to diagnose everyone in your family with your magical sober powers, nor is it your job to whip out your spiritual took kit and try to fix anyone around you. AA is a program of attraction, not promotion. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut. If you're being an example you don't have to explain, and if you find yourself doing a lot or explaining you're probably doing a poor job of being an example.

17. Remember, AA is a "design for living" -- and what that means in the real world is that other people's behavior does not dictate my behavior -- you can't make me yell or behave badly, only I can make me do that. I am not a doormat, but I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to, either. A smile and shrug is an excellent strategy for quietly deflecting things.

18. And finally, remember, bring your Higher Power with you -- you're not going in there alone. Why 18 and not a nice round number like 20? Dunno -- I only have 18 I guess. Happy holidays to all, and while whatever you celebrate and whomever you celebrate it with can make for a wonderful/terrible day, it is also just another 24 hours, and one minute at a time, this too shall pass. Cheers!