Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Backlash Part 2: If you look at the statistics, AA doesn't work. Plus, some people just stop drinking on their own.

 

 

 

An introduction to these "Backlash" email questions here.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I heard an interview on NPR not long ago claiming that AA only has a 5 to 10% success rate, and in another interview I heard that as many people with drinking problems are able to eventually, spontaneously stop on their own as claim that AA is how they stopped. Is this true? Why should I, or why do you, do AA if it doesn't work?

Want to Know

 

Dear WtK,

I'm going to address the NPR interview which caused such a fuss (and was, surprisingly I thought, heavily featured on the NPR Website for a while) in another essay.

I'm not marshaling arguments to attack either it or the person who was interviewed. It's the intermingling of AA and the recovery industry, two very different things -- even if the latter makes some use of things in the former -- put forth in that interview that I'd like to look at a little more closely in another post.

If you don't mind, WtK, I'm going to walk through your questions in reverse order.

Why should you do AA if it doesn't work? My experience is that it does work, but if you have a drinking problem and you want to try to deal with it via some method that is NOT AA, you should absolutely do so. Give that a full court press. Alcoholics Anonymous does not now say, nor has it ever said, that it is the ONLY way to treat alcoholism. Some zealous AA members can come across that way, I know that's true, but I chalk their zeal up to a combination of giddy relief for having found a solution to their addiction coupled with the deep (and real) fear that their addiction will twist their thinking yet again and pull them out. And down. But the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," AA's blueprint, in a number of places is quite humble about what AA offers. "We realize we know only a little..." it says. "We do not have a monopoly..." it says. "If you are not convinced you are an alcoholic, try some controlled drinking..." it says. AA does not represent itself as the sole course, nor is it against trying to manage your drinking. The point it (mostly) makes is that if you've tried everything else and nothing has worked then maybe what AA has to offer can help you, if you are able to be honest and if you do the whole deal.

(In the interest of full disclosure the Big Book also suggests people "raise the bottom," in other words, look to see if there is an inevitability to the way they drink, and if so, what does that mean in terms of whether they should try to get sober via Alcoholics Anonymous. But I find the spirit of this discussion to be as even handed and open minded as the rest of the book.)

There may well be lots of effective treatments for alcoholism. For years I actually treated my alcoholism with the liberal application of alcohol. I found that to be strong medicine and I was pretty happy with the results of that program for a good long while. When that eventually stopped working, I had to find a different solution. For me, it was AA. But if you want to do something else, including "controlled" drinking (sometimes called "drinking in moderation" -- not a concept I've ever really understood the point of, actually, but then, I'm a pretty far gone case) by all means, have at it.

If you can stop on your own (assuming that you do, actually want to stop) then do so. If you need help, then maybe AA is for you. If you want to try something else, try something else. There's a fair amount of "something else" out there now. In fact, there's a TV commercial in heavy rotation where I live which touts a kind of spa recovery thing, and the big catch line in the ad is that it has NO 12 Step program affiliation in any way. Personally, I think that's great! Who doesn't want to go to a spa? And who doesn't want to go to a spa if you've got a hangover, and want to maybe take a break from partying? Especially if you've had a hangover since roughly 2009 or something. If you can deal with whatever your drinking situation looks like with a cucumber wrap, a little acupuncture, some light yoga and those hot stone things laid out across six or seven chakras then go for it. I assure you that will be a lot more fun and sexy and chic than even the nicest church basement and the finest in folding metal chairs we can find. I guarantee you the coffee will be better, too.

Not trying something because you heard it doesn't work actually sounds fairly logical. AA has an expression -- a quote, actually -- which it uses to describe what this might really be though: Contempt prior to investigation.

But if you have a problem with alcohol and you think other things will help you then I seriously, sincerely, urge you to try them, and having had a bellyfull of the pain and misery that drinking problems cause I also seriously, sincerely hope those other things work for you. If they don't, the doors of AA are always open. For free. For anyone who wants to even just visit. No dues, no fees, no insurance coverage required.

As for the spontaneous ability to stop drinking... well, it's of course tempting to wonder if those people were real alcoholics, or in fact just heavy drinkers who developed a habit which, while it may have required a little effort to break, were not true addicts. But as much as I think there's room for real consideration there, I also think that's a pretty self serving thing for a man like me to give a lot of air time to. Because, sure, maybe some weren't addicts and just had a kind of heavy habit, but surely some of these spontaneously manifested abstainers were addicts. Or might have been, anyway. So what about them? What about them just spontaneously stopping on their own, as the NPR interview and some other sources like to cite?

What about them? I don't know what about them. I do know that some people's cancer spontaneously goes into remission, but that fact isn't used to suggest that people shouldn't seek treatment for their cancer. There may be a vast and passionate difference of opinion as to what that treatment should be, but I'm not familiar with too many people who hold the spontaneous remission examples forth as an argument against treatment altogether.

But I have heard this chain of reasoning used when discussing addiction, recovery and AA more than once over the years.

If I had just decided to wait and hope to be struck sober spontaneously, I suspect my story would have had a much more grim and cliche ending. Critics might say there's no way to be sure, but I hope they will forgive me for feeling that I know myself a little better than they do -- and that I'm pretty reluctant to go with that plan now.

As for statistics... 5%? 10%? Whatever percent. AA has, over the years, done its own membership surveys to try to get a mathematical picture of who shows up, who gets sober the first time, who slips but comes back, etc. Due to the anonymous part, and also due to the fact that alcoholics, when it comes to this stuff, are notoriously lazy and/or intractable on the whole "head count" thing, I'm not sure how reliable these statistics are. Now naturally, if you're a critic, you're going to be pretty unhappy with me for calling into question the veracity -- the methodology -- of the statistical sample. But even if we work from the assumption of a sound statistical model, I'm not sure the measurement cuts across all aspects of sobriety.

If you are a chronic relapser, if you keep coming to AA, you find both some relief and some recovery -- even some sober stretches, in between the relapses. That's no small thing, for an addict. How do those people fit into the statistical model? I know -- and love -- some people like that, and I have to tell you, I can't quite see them as evidence that AA "doesn't work."  And what about the "slipped around for a while at first" people? If you come and you slip around for several years and then you get and stay sober, what part of the statistic is that? 

You know, not to beat the cancer analogy to death (is that phrase in poor taste? possibly, now that I think of it) you can Google "Does Chemotherapy Work?" and before you even finish typing it, you not only get that suggested search phrase but you are also offered "Does Chemotherapy really work?" People have some doubts, I guess. And in the first list of answers is a link which claims that chemo does not work 97% of the time. That's a pretty staggering claim. If you poke around and search just the suggested links to address this question, you'll see a lot of discussion. Some controversy. Phrases like "fallacious cherry picking of data..." and "confusing primary versus adjuvant therapy..." start to show up. And this is for chemo, a fairly "traditional" form of treatment for some common malignancies.

The only point I'm trying to make is that as I've gotten older I've learned to look with some degree of skepticism at ALL statistics, as they are somewhat vulnerable to being used to justify a conclusion maybe a little after the fact.

Some people really hate AA, and think it is a dangerous, old fashioned, somewhat superstitious and very much over-recommended model of treatment from a bygone era. Some people really love AA, and think it's an open minded, open hearted, life-saving program which can do a lot of good in the world, one person at a time.

If you're worried about your drinking, then maybe the best thing for you to do is to just try it for yourself with as open a mind as you can summon.

What they told me when I was new was that I should try it for 30 days, and if I wasn't fully satisfied my misery would be cheerfully refunded.

I don't know if you're miserable, WtK, but if you are, then at least it's something confidential and free to try, with a commitment to helping you if you want help, and as non-judgmental as any group of humans is able to attempt to be.

Getting sober -- if that's what you need to do -- can be a painful, confusing and vulnerable time. I wish you the very best in your journey, and if you have any other questions please don't hesitate to contact me.

Good luck,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

Questions via Email: Backlash Part 1 - Isn't constantly saying "I'm an alcoholic" bad for me?

 

 

 

 

 

As AA's profile -- for a variety of reasons -- has continued to rise, both as a treatment for alcoholism and as a larger 12 Step "movement," it has understandably -- even appropriately -- come under greater scrutiny. 

From the 50+ year old film "The Days of Wine and Roses" (released in 1962, and no doubt at least partly responsible for that classic image so many of us had in our heads of what an AA meeting looked like: sad, unshaven almost-bums in raincoats, staring listlessly into the distance or earnestly into the camera. Watch for Jack Klugman as Jack Lemmon's sponsor! Trippy!) to the currently-showing "Mom" (CBS sitcom which debuted in 2013 and is so full of AA it almost counts as going to a meeting.*) there's been a growing awareness of AA in the public consciousness. (AA history credits the then-famous Jack Alexander for his article published in the March 1, 1941 edition of the Saturday Evening Post for initially putting us on the map.) 

On the one hand this is all right and good. While we maintain (and promise) anonymity so that people who wonder if they are alcoholic -- or if AA is right for them -- can come to a meeting and check it out without fear of stigma or reprisal, AA is not a secret society. Over time anonymity has also served an important spiritual purpose within the rooms; that which helps tamp down our often rampant egotism. It is a great equalizer. I don't want to know, when you're sharing, if you're a doctor or a hooker, as I will inevitably -- even if it is unwillingly -- have a bias which colors how I hear what you say. (I trust hookers more than I trust doctors. No offense to any medical professionals reading along at home. I didn't say I didn't trust you at all, just that I trust sober hookers more.) Of course regular attendees eventually get to know each other, but as a larger framework anonymity is a key element to what makes the whole thing work.

On the other hand, this elevated profile for AA really spooks me. I get uncomfortable with it. I cannot easily dismiss the feeling that, while the spotlight does indeed illuminate and communicate, it can also just as easily distort. Or burn. (I am not talking about an organization's transparency regarding what it is and how it operates. That's an illumination of an entirely different spectrum. I'm talking about attention from the media, in all its Hydra-like, many headed forms now.) 

There are people who are rabidly anti-AA, and some of them have what sound like reasonable concerns, though the intense level of their antipathy always makes me both a little puzzled and a little sad. And there are people who are dogmatically pro-AA, whose passion is laudable for their own recovery, but I feel is sometimes strident and off-putting when talking to newcomers or people not in the program.

As AA's profile -- and representation -- has risen (I swear, there was an entire season on TV not long ago where at least one supporting character on every single show I tuned into -- or even channel surfed by -- was sitting in the ubiquitous church basement holding a Styrofoam cup of coffee, wearing an expression of intense sympathy and nodding) I have gotten many more emails asking for my thoughts regarding what I'll call, for shorthand purposes only, "backlash."

And by using the term "backlash" I'm not talking about honest inquiry, general curiosity, or even the very worthy open-minded challenge to some of what AA suggests as a treatment for addiction. I am referring more to talking points or disingenuous questions which I feel are either misinformed or misrepresent AA.

This is a good time to say yet again that I AM NOT A SPOKESPERSON FOR ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. There is no such thing. As always, all I offer here is my experience from being an active, sober member of AA for close to 30 years now.

With all that said (I promise when I started I told myself, "Mr. SponsorPants, keep this little intro brief." Ah well, I try... or, as some have suggested, I'm trying. Very, very trying.) here is an email with a common question of late:

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

My brother heard a story in the news about AA and he says that one of the things the story said is that it's bad for me to constantly call myself an alcoholic. What would you say to that?

Bad Label

 

Dear Bad Label,

Is it "bad" for you to call yourself an alcoholic?

My first answer to that is... maybe. That has not been my experience, but I understand where the question comes from. (I want to stay open minded about all points in these discussions, and not come back with a defensive, knee-jerk response.)

There is merit to the idea that I don't want a disease to "become my identity" -- and we can look to any of our brothers and sisters who are long term survivors of cancer or HIV for counsel and experience on this. 

But the point (for me) when it comes to regularly identifying as an alcoholic is not that it's about making it "who I am" so much as it is reminding me "what I have." 

A diabetic should probably remind themselves pretty firmly that they are in fact, a diabetic, every time they are considering the tasty dessert section of a restaurant menu. Is that making the disease their "identity" or keeping important information uppermost in mind when confronted with, for lack of a less biblical term, "temptation?" They have a medical condition and under a variety of circumstances they need to remember that fact so they make better, health-based decisions. I think the analogy is a good fit.

From my own personal experience I believe that AA's Big Book is right when it suggests there is a "curious mental blank spot" which happens in the mind of an alcoholic when we consider taking a drink. We can't seem to remember with sufficient clarity or force why taking that first drink is a bad idea. Or, conversely, we vaguely admit that it's not smart, but we're able to rationalize away whatever concerns we have with insanely trivial reasoning. No matter how bad things were yesterday, (and if you're an active addict of any stripe things can be very, very bad yesterday) today is a different story, and drinking or using is an option again.

So when I regularly identify as an alcoholic, it's not that I am affirming a negative identity -- I am remembering my diagnosis.

I'll go so far as to say that there were times when I thought about drinking and though I could not remember why it was a bad idea, I could at least remember that it was a bad idea.

And while it took more than that knowledge alone to keep me from walking into the bar that night, I think it likely that, because I'd spent a good amount of time over the course of my recovery reminding myself of my diagnosis, I was able to keep my thinking within a certain framework.

I hope, somewhat at least, that answers your question.

Lastly, for what it's worth, sibling relationships can be fraught and contentious (in fact I think two of my siblings should actually be named Fraught and Contentious), but consider that, even if your brother is not communicating in the most supportive manner, he still may only be trying to look out for you.

Ultimately, it's not anyone else's job to understand AA or what or why it suggests what it does.

It's ours.

Cheers, and keep coming back!

 

 

* I said almost. 

 

 

Questions via Email: HP Anything? I'm a little at a loss...

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Can you explain a little about how my Higher Power can be "anything?" In meetings I'm pretending I understand this, but to be honest I'm a little at a loss... 

Seeking But Faking It

 

Dear SBFI,

 I have to admit, when I was new this one through me for a loop as well. It's almost like, if you hand me a blank piece of paper and say, "draw a tree!" I can draw you all kinds of trees. I can draw you great trees, ugly trees, badly drawn trees, fantastic trees... whole forests of trees! I may be angry that you're telling me what to do, or think that I'd rather draw clouds or castles or one of the Three Musketeers instead of a tree, but I can draw you one if you want. 

(Sidebar: A musket is a gun, right? So why did dudes whose club was named after a gun pretty much always use their swords? Puzzling!)

But if you give me a blank piece of paper and tell me to draw whatever I want, I might just as easily stare at the paper, perplexed and a little blocked by the complete freedom and lack of direction. 

And then of course there's all those people who go on to add, well intentioned though they may be, "Your Higher Power can be anything you want! You can even pray to a doorknob!"

This did very, very little to either help or reassure me. And it feels like when I was new I heard this a lot. All the time. I began to suspect that there was a secret doorknob worshiping cult hidden within the 12 Step fellowship. (And of course their High Priestess would be Aunt Clara.)

(sorry. either you get that or you don't. Google it.)

I think the best starting place with this concept of "any HP you want" is to come from the other direction. The point made (eloquently, in "Bill's Story" in the Big Book) is that you don't have to use whatever idea of God you were raised with, or that someone else feels strongly about, when you ask God to help you stay sober.

Frankly, you don't even have to have ANY idea of God when you pray. You can just say, "God, I have no idea whatsoever of who/what/how you are, but here's my prayer anyway..."

I think the main thing to remember is that any concept you've been given that frightens or bothers or angers or intimidates you does not have to be how you think about God now, in sobriety, and that the 12 Steps will work for you regardless of what your idea of God is.

My own concept of how the Universe -- or the Multiverse, for that matter -- and God -- works has gone through many evolutions, much of which I've blathered on about in other essays here on the blog. I invite you to click around and see if anything here is helpful, and I encourage you to explore the concepts of many faiths and spiritual thinkers to find what feels right for you.

There's no "wrong" way to believe, including not believing.

But if you're really, really at a loss, you can always pray to Aunt Clara!

 _________________________________________________________________

 

There are more reflections like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download a Kindle reader for free on any device or platform.

 

Questions via Email: One Day at a Time

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm going to count on the whole No Stupid Questions thing in writing to you with this.

I feel like I don't get One Day at a Time. Do I not make plans? Do I not think about my future? How can I do that?

I am new to being clean and to AA. My older brother died of his addiction and I want to make a good start because my parents only have one kid left (me).

Really Willing

 

Dear Really Willing,

I am sorry for your loss. Addiction is a terminal illness, and with all the lightheartedness (or foolishness) in meetings -- and my own goofing around and wisecracking here on the blog -- the fact is, that reality is never very far offstage. But what I have experienced via AA's 12 Steps is literally a daily reprieve from the inexorable fatal progress of true addiction. I believe that reprieve is available to any addict who is able to be honest with themselves and who truly wants it.

But because this is, as the Big Book puts it "a fatal malady," you're right, there really and truly ARE no stupid questions when it comes to figuring out how to apply all the 12 Step slogans, the many suggestions and AA's spiritual tools to our recovery and our lives.

And seriously, I get it. I get your question.

Sometimes I can wrap my head around an idea a little more easily when I take a look at what it isn't.

One Day at a Time does not mean that you only go Christmas shopping on Christmas day. It doesn't mean that you wait till April 15th to do your taxes. (I have actually tried that -- for other reasons than ODAT -- **coughprocrastinationcough** -- and I really do not recommend it.) In fact there was a comment recently here on the blog, on the post regarding 90 meetings in 90 days, suggesting that the commenter didn't feel that the 90 in 90 suggestion lined up with ODAT. While I somewhat see their viewpoint, and don't completely disagree with that interpretation, that's ultimately not how I see it.

(Seems like this is a good place to once again remind anyone reading that I'm just a middle aged sober alcoholic with a blog. I've got some real mileage now on my soberdometer but I do not speak for anyone -- least of all AA. I share only what I have learned, what I believe, and what has worked for me.)

One Day at a Time is partially about focus. Let's pretend you're getting married on October 10th. (Why Oct. 10th? 10/10. Easy to remember so you don't get in trouble forgetting your anniversary with your newly wedded beloved when you're not so newly wedded.) So you're getting married in roughly seven months, and you start to feel overwhelmed about the Big Day. But you stop yourself from ramping up to full on melt down and remember One Day at a Time. Today you're picking out center pieces. You're not walking down the aisle today. You're not making a toast today. You're not figuring out the seating chart today. Those things are on other days. Today you are picking out center pieces.

So one way I live One Day at a Time is that I do today's task. I keep my mind on today's business, even though it may be related to a larger Something in my future.

There are many ways of interpreting AA's slogans. They are simple enough so that we can remember them when we're starting to freak out, but flexible enough to apply to a number of people and situations.

First things First.

Easy Does It.

Easy Does it (but Do It!)

Just for Today.

One Day at a Time.

And many others. I invite anyone who has some helpful experience on the topic to chime in in the Comments Section below.

Hope that was helpful, R.W. Congratulations on your sobriety -- if you are indeed Really Willing you will do just fine.

 

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: Obsession over past relationship

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I need some ideas about how to stop obsessing over a relationship that just ended. I don't worry about drinking behind it, just want to clear my head. Thoughts?

Sincerely,

An Ex

 

Dear Ex,

There are any number of excellent tools available, both via the 12 Step world and from other helpful sources, to deal with obsession. And believe me, I feel your pain, as I myself have had some serious mental looping over people I've been involved with when they became "ex." (And sometimes "why?") There is a particular flavor of obsession around this, whether you're the ender or the endee.

I think this time out I'll defer to the best source when it comes to helping an alcoholic deal with mental obsessions: AA literature.

From "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," Step 11 pg. 102-103:

As the day goes on, we can pause where situations must be met and decisions made and renew the simple request: "Thy will, not mine, be done." If at these points our emotional disturbance happens to be great, we will more surely keep our balance, provided we remember, and repeat to ourselves, a particular prayer or phrase that has appealed to us in our reading or meditation. Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, in the moment of stress.

Simply put, I've never had much success when it came to not thinking about something.

The trick for me has been not to focus on the not, but rather to choose an instead.

Whenever I find myself obsessing about something, if I choose a mantra to plug in -- sometimes even shouting it in my head rather than just saying it sub-vocally -- I'm usually (eventually) able to switch mental channels. Or at least move on a little more quickly from the mental looping.

I'm extremely happy for you that this doesn't read as a slippery issue -- congrats on having done the work to get to that place!

The other curative of course is the passage of time, but I know that's cold comfort and something more active as a solution is often warranted. The above suggestion from the 12&12 was the clue for me as to what to do in this type of situation: Find a prayer or phrase that resonates and use it as a mantra to move my thoughts from what I've been obsessing about to something else -- hopefully something more uplifting, but certainly at least more distracting.

Hope that was of some help to you.

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: Explaining AA to small children

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have a six year old who seems like they are wiser than they should be at that age. (Of course I might be just a little biased!) They ask every time I go to a meeting if I'm "going to see my friends again." I don't kid myself that they know what AA is or anything like that, but I know at some point the questions are going to become more direct. What are your thoughts about telling your kids about AA and that their parent needs it and that their parent has a disease that needs an hour of medication a day? Should I bring it up first or wait? I have no plans to have this talk with a six year old but I know the day is coming.

Thanks!

Sober Parent

 

Dear Sober Parent,

Being a sober parent is like having TWO of the most important jobs in the world: Sobriety and Parenting. And I deliberately gave "sobriety" top billing in that pairing because, just like the oft used analogy of flying with a child where, should the cabin pressure cause the oxygen masks to drop you put your own on first before you assist your child (and you do that so you can assist your child) so, too, sober parents must make sobriety a priority so they can then be a present, healthy, viable presence in their child's life.

I was struck, when reading your email, that you already have the answer -- and that is, to clearly identify that addiction is a disease. Maybe not one everyone understands fully, but still and all, a medically diagnosable disease. And while it's not everyone's business to be told about it (probably not an appropriate Tell for Show-and-Tell, for example), it is also nothing to be ashamed of -- just like diabetes or epilepsy or any other serious medical condition which requires regular medication to be kept in check.

As to what age is appropriate I leave that up to you. I was about to type, "I don't really have that much experience talking to children" but then I realized I've been sponsoring alcoholics for over 25 years, so there must be some kind of earned credit or something -- like college credits for life experience. Still and all, you are best suited to make that call. Often I find if I pray about questions of timing -- the "when" of a thing -- the Universe will eventually give me my cue.

But whatever the age, I believe the key is to speak with the same calm practicality which one would use to describe physical therapy after an accident, shots of insulin to treat diabetes, or any other treatment. (So of course this is a wonderful opportunity for you to look inside -- deep inside -- and check out your own feelings and beliefs around the disease concept of addiction.)

Congratulations on your sobriety! Your kid is so lucky to have a sober parent who is active in their recovery so they can be present for them, as opposed to the terrible messages and toxic dynamics so many using/drinking parents may helplessly create.

Cheers and Congrats!

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: Appropriate for a drinking member to be a sponsor?

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Is it appropriate for someone in AA who still drinks to become a sponsor?

S.

 

Dear S.,

Nope.

 

 

Questions via Email: Lightning Round 4

 

 

 

 

As with previous Lightning Rounds, I mean no disrespect to those who have emailed these questions by including them in a Lightning Round.  It does not mean I think less of you, the issue(s) you raise or your request for input.  As always, emails are condensed for brevity, clarity and anonymity. (But if you write feel free to go on as much as you need.)

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I was told that if I stop going to Step Study meetings I will drink. Is this true?

No. I love Step Meetings and I like to keep them in my mix as much as possible, but they are not the magic, secret pixie dust of sobriety. If you stop going to meetings altogether, then I think you're in trouble.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have a resentment against my sponsor. What should I do?

Write an inventory. Then read it to them. Or, if reading it to them is a problem, read it to someone else. We deal with our resentments by setting them on paper. That's what the Big Book suggests and doing that has always brought me clarity.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

How do I know if I'm an alcoholic?

AA's Big Book suggests you try some controlled drinking. If you find that, when you honestly don't want to drink you do, or if you try to stop abruptly and cannot, then you may be an alcoholic. When my first sponsor suggested this to me he said, "You know, controlled drinking. Try having two and a half glasses and then stop half way through the third glass. Could you do that with milk?" I answered, "With milk? Yeah."  He went on, "Could you do it with liquor? Say, Vodka? Screwdrivers?" And without thinking I answered with the most alcoholic thing I could possibly have said: "I don't know. How big a glass?"

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I feel uncomfortable with the attention I get from men in AA meetings, but I have a hard time going to Women Only meetings. What should I do?

My suggestion is to go to Women Only meetings and work through whatever issues you have with other gals before you deal with issues you may have with the opposite sex. Maybe if you are in an area where there are gay meetings you could go to some of them, and possibly find a neutral territory for your issues. Regardless, I suggest going to meetings.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have a very strong sex drive. Does that mean I am a sex addict?

I have no idea if you are a sex addict or not. What AA's Big Book suggests when looking at our sexual behavior during the 4th Step Inventory process is to see where we were selfish, self centered or dishonest, and where we purposely aroused jealousy, bitterness, anger or suspicion in regards to our sexual conduct. Having a strong drive, or having a lot of sex is less likely to be an indicator of sexual addiction than looking at the why and the how of your sex life; quality not quantity, if you will.  There is a host of writing and several good mainstream films about sex addiction out now. Perhaps reading/viewing some of those will give you insight. And also, if this question is profoundly troubling it's time to check out SCA or one of the other 12 Step sex/love addiction programs.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have a lot of damage from my fundamentalist religious upbringing that I am working through, and the idea of God or prayer is something I can't even deal with right now. Does that mean AA won't work for me?

NO! That does not mean AA won't work for you. AA CAN WORK FOR YOU. Let the collected sober experience of AA's writing and fellowship be your guide, your "Higher Power." When you encounter suggestions about God don't let that chase you away, just say to yourself, or anyone else, "I'm not there yet" and focus on taking sober actions: Writing, service, sharing, etc. And if some people push you just say "I'm not there yet so thank you for wanting to help but please shut the f*ck up." You may eventually feel differently, but you may not, and that's ok too. Just keep coming back and be honest with yourself and other people you feel safe with about your background and issues. Also, please remember, meditation is a secular thing, and has nothing to do with any religion at all. In place of active prayer you can develop a meditation practice which I guarantee (strong word but I'll stand by it) if you are disciplined about you will have an immensely positive result.

Don't pick up the first drink, keep an open mind, don't let anyone bully you and keep coming back.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I have heard that some AA's say that people should not take antidepressants or other medications. Is that true?

I have heard that some AA's say all kinds of foolish things. Two things: 1. Don't listen to what people say that people say in AA. Check the Big Book and other AA literature for what AA says. 2. ONLY A DOCTOR SHOULD GIVE MEDICAL ADVICE.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

Do you think it's a slip to eat dishes in restaurants that are cooked in wine or anything like that?

Is it a slip? Probably not, but of course it depends. Something well cooked? Probably no alcohol in it. Some dessert where all they've done is drizzle the brandy over the ice cream or something similar? That's a whole different animal, to me. Personally I do not order or eat any dishes with alcohol involved in the creation/baking/glazing/soaking/basting etc., in any way. It takes a lot longer to "cook" the alcohol out of something than many believe, and regardless of time tables I just don't want that nagging question in my head. For me it's just easier to skip them.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I am newly sober and have a very expensive wine collection. My sponsor thinks I should sell it, but I look at it as an investment. While it's true I did a lot of drinking from this collection at home, I do not have any desire to do so now. Do you think it's slippery to keep it?

Let me ask you this: If you don't have burial insurance could the sale of your wine collection pay for your funeral expenses? Because IF you keep it and IF it turns out that your sponsor was right and this is a dodge by your alcoholism to set you up for relapse then that might be a good reason to keep it. Otherwise, I think I'm with your sponsor on this one.

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I want to talk to people who relapse and don't come back to AA about their experiences. I'm not convinced that AA is for me and I thought talking to some of them would help. Do you have any ideas where I might find them?

Is this question a set up? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and answer straight. Where do I suggest you look for alcoholics who relapse but don't come back to AA? Emergency Rooms, Jails and Graveyards. But that's just my opinion.

 

 

Questions via Email: Change my date?

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

My question is in regards to changes in sobriety dates.

I have swallowed beer. I was a couple of years sober and at a bar with coworkers. I had ordered a root beer and was surprised when my taste buds registered beer. Rather than spit it out in front of everyone I swallowed it.

I also smoked something knowing it was not a good idea. Almost three years ago I was overseas and was told it was medicine that would help with sex. I remember wondering what it was going to feel like and wondering if it was going to have any effect on my mood. I knew what I was doing was not a good idea. I don't remember any effect on either my mood or my libido. I did not want to get high and even prayed for God's help before smoking. My behavior in regards to sex was my motivation. I have recently had an awakening in regards to my behavior with women and along with my change in perspective is a desire to share these occurrences. 

To come clean is it selfish? Should I change my sobriety date? I have not had a drink in more than 20 years nor have I ingested, smoked nor in any way tried to change my mood. I pray almost every day, try to share the message and practice these principles. However, I feel like a hypocrite for not telling on myself. That I am not being honest. I have the most sobriety in my home group and I am afraid that ego may be keeping me from disclosing these events.

I have been praying for an answer and need some counsel before puking this all up on my friends and home group.

Don't Want To Be A Hypocrite

 

Dear Don't Want To Be A Hypocrite,

First off, let me congratulate you on your commitment to staying sober, to being honest, and to working to look within and consider if or how your ego may be involved with the issues you are addressing.

As has been said many times here -- but always bears repeating -- I am not a spokesman for AA. There is no such thing. It is a happy anarchy where often it seems the inmates are running the asylum. There is much autonomy at both the group and the individual level, but while there are a number of strong suggestions there are no real hard and fast rules one must follow.

I can do for you what AA has done for me: Share my experience with these issues, but I cannot tell you what to do.

There are, I am sure, no shortage of people - in or out of AA - who would be happy and feel powerful! telling you what to do. But really, the spirit of AA when it comes to a request for help is to share what has worked for us, and to offer whatever personal insights we've gained from walking through the same, or similar, circumstances. After that it's up to you and your Higher Power. I've often found that I know the right course of action well before I am ready to admit it to myself when faced with dilemmas. I'm usually just not ready -- willing -- to own it.

With that said, let's get down to talking about what you wrote.

This is not a question of math; how much time you have or you lost or whatever. Nor is it a a simple question of chemistry -- what you drank, what you smoked.  It's more than that. It's a question of rigorous honesty (with yourself and others), and of willingness.

Right up front let me say that I understand your process, and you'll find no judgement from me on this stuff. I've had my own relapse-without-drinking experiences (and the living-with-the-secret piece too). It is a measure of your desire to live clean that you are troubled by these two things and are also considering where your ego may be at play clouding the issue of what to do.

You have two moments, two decisions you made which are torturing you, so let's take them in order.

First, the sip of beer swallow. This one's pretty straightforward. My motto is this: First Sip's a surprise, Second Sip's the slip. If you didn't know it was beer when you picked it up and put it in your mouth, it's an honest mistake. To actively spit something out -- especially in a work situation -- is to overcome an awful lot of social programming. You are lucky you didn't trigger the phenomenon of craving, and hopefully you learned to pay better attention to what you pick up and drink at social occasions, but for me, if you didn't know what was in that cup when you raised it to your lips it was an honest mistake, but not a relapse.

You don't specifically say it, but I am assuming you did not finish the drink "just to be polite" and it was just the one sip. If you drank more after that sip which identified it as beer then, to me it's a slip. We're not in a religious order, the reason we do not have the first drink is so that we do not trigger a physical reaction which drives us to keep drinking; not as some sort of I'm Keeping Pure For The Lord tally sheet. We count the days -- I count the days -- for a lot of different reasons: To remind myself of my commitment to sobriety, to see how far I've come, to try to be an example to others that AA works, because that's how they did it when I showed up (and it works, so I'm not going to change it)... lots of reasons.

I wouldn't refrain from sharing about the incident, it can be instructive to others -- a kind of cautionary tale -- but I don't think it's a slip.

Now, about the smoking thing while you were overseas...

DWTBAH, let me just say, that if we were close sober friends, and you shared with me about smoking something, and that you didn't even know what it was, just to give your sex performance a little boost while you were in a foreign country... well, while I am possibly one of the least physically aggressive men you are likely to meet (Exhibit A), I would probably grab you by the shoulders and shake you like a friggin' rag doll, quite possibly shouting "Are you INSANE? What the hell's the matter with you!" about six inches from your face.

Now, I might decide I needed to make amends for that outburst shortly after the fact, because while it is certainly honest, and born of fear for a friend (if I knew you and we were close, that is) it's still a little judgey and not exactly very supportive. Honest, yes, but not helpful.

Looking at this rationally, through a 12 Step lens, there are two kinds of medicine we take: Medicine that effects us from the neck up, and medicine that effects us from the neck down.

Regardless of what kind a person takes, you should only accept direction or advice about taking, changing, starting or stopping medication from a DOCTOR. From a TRAINED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. Not from a sponsor, or from your group's old timer or resident guru or the Mayor of AA Town where you live. CONSULT A DOCTOR with any questions about what you take.  Should you consider whether your doctor is a skilled health care provider, with an understanding of issues specific to people in recovery? Yes. Should you listen to the experiences other people in recovery have personally had around medication? Sure, as a way to learn more about what you should ask your doctor regarding your meds. Should you read AA's excellent, balanced writing in several brochures and in "Living Sober" on taking medication? Absolutely. But when it comes down to making decisions about starting, stopping or changing medication, your Doctor should be your only hardline resource and you should follow their direction, not some well meaning, (or ego-driven), AA.

So here's how I look at your incredibly foolish action to smoke a "sexual enhancer" overseas:

Taking Viagra (or Cialis, or anything in that family of meds) to address sexual performance issues is not a slip. From what you write your intention was to enhance your performance in some way, not to change your mental state. So while what you did was (if I haven't made it clear already) wildly, incredibly stupid and foolish (Dude. Seriously.), I'm not convinced it was a relapse. It was shady as all hell, but I'm not sure it was a slip. And I think at this point we should be sure and mention that people - men especially - can be prone to doing incredibly stupid and foolish things around sex sometimes. You are not the only guy who's listened to the wrong body part when making an important decision.

There is another troubling element to this, however. If you were to take a pill prescribed for you by YOUR doctor, that's not a slip. But by my standard, generally speaking, taking medicine prescribed for someone else certainly can be. Not always -- I'm not talking about someone's left over ampicillin to save a few bucks instead of running to the doctor if you think you might have strep and want to try and knock it out yourself and save your copay or something -- while that's pretty stupid that's not a slip -- I'm talking about a little casual self-medication with other people's meds -- and again, sorting medication into above/below the neck is a good place to start when discussing these things. Taking someone else's antibiotics? Stupid, but probably not a slip. Browsing through your Mother-in-Law's medicine cabinet and taking some of her anxiety meds to, you know, take the edge off a family visit? Slip City.

Given the circumstances there is a lot of self examination required to find your answer, which is why at the beginning of this whole thing I said that ultimately, after considering the counsel of others, it's probably going to come down to what feels clean in your heart, after some serious prayer and reflection.

But I can tell you this: It's not the Did-I-or-Didn't-I slip that's really eating at you.

It's the secret.

And you know you can start to share this with people before you decide what to do. Start to dismantle the secret and the right answer will probably be easier to see. Certainly you'll start to feel better.

For what it's worth I have deep respect for your willingness to bring this up and not bury it under layers of ego and justification. That's a big sign that you will make a clean decision about this, whatever that decision may be.

It's a strange thing though, I will give you that as well. Time sober in AA both doesn't and does matter. It is a bit of a paradox.

But I assure you, it is the quality of your time which will change your life and allow you to help others far more than the quantity. I relapsed on pot -- smoking only once -- at about 90 days, and then two years later, driven by the guilt of that memory, did amyl nitrate. And then I kept it a secret for a while. Damn near drove me insane. I know with absolute certainty that if I hadn't come clean about those things when I did I would not be sober today.

One last thing: You never know who else is tortured by something they're afraid to bring to the group. You might save a lot of lives moving forward if you get honest about this problem at group level. You might begin speaking for someone who has yet to find their voice, and who desperately needs to be heard.

Good luck. Remember that ultimately, all we have is today.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: Sponsor shared trusted conversation

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have been sober just shy of two years. I have found a great freedom and a new way of living as a result of the the 12 Steps and the Program.

I have a new sponsee and this is my first time sponsoring someone. My sponsee and I are doing well. They are moving right along with diligence and willingness. Upon occasion I will ask my sponsor's advice about what is the best way to handle my sponsee's questions or situation.

The other night, during a meeting, my sponsor shared something about one of these trusted conversations (no names mentioned) but it was clear to me and my sponsee that they were talking about us. I was devastated, uncomfortable and felt personally convicted at the same time.

So here is my part in it:

Although I feel a trust was broken between me and my sponsor I am responsible for sharing something that was confided in me. What was shared was more of a conversation than a deep, dark secret from a 4th Step. (I can hear myself minimizing already.) When in truth it is a good lesson for me about gossip! If I am honest I did not have to share what I did with my sponsor (or anyone else) for guidance.

So here is my dilemma:

What should I do now? My sponsee and I are OK. She was very gracious and did not feel at all threatened. I however have a trust issue now with my sponsor and feel guarded. (Guilt for gossip will do that every time.)

Should I take from the lesson learned and move on with the intention of holding myself to a higher level of integrity (a living amends)...

OR

Should I confront my sponsor who is clearly oblivious to the situation? Or both?

I take the privilege of sponsorship very seriously. I want to be of the highest level of service possible and share what has been so freely given to me.

Your insight would be greatly appreciated.

K.

 

Dear K.,

At the very least, I think your sponsor used pretty poor judgement, and (no doubt unthinkingly, but still) placed the trust between you and your sponsee at risk.

But I have to tell you, K., I think you are reaching a little bit to condemn yourself as a "gossip." You should be able to talk with your sponsor about anything -- including, as you describe, "asking your sponsor's advice about what is the best way to handle our sponsee's questions or situation."

At the same time, you have done some terrific self examination to determine that in this instance, you didn't need guidance, so some other motivation was at work when you were sharing with your sponsor about your sponsee. That's worth continued reflection. If it wasn't a need for guidance, then what was it? I could offer you some ideas but honestly, based on your email, I have no doubt you'll get a true insight without any prompting from me.

What should you do now?

Firstly I believe you had a bad scare and a little bit of a shock. Your trust was violated -- not in an earthshaking way, maybe (your sponsor did omit names after all. Based on your description of the event no one in the meeting but you and your sponsee knew who your sponsor was talking about) but still and all, trust was violated. So that shock is probably fueling some of the "gossip guilt." You are rightly taking some responsibility, but in my opinion you are not at fault.

You should be able to speak freely to your sponsor and not be dogged by the nagging fear that the incident will repeat itself. If I feel it necessary to share something about another sober member with someone (a sponsor, or a friend who's sobriety I respect and counsel I value) -- and hopefully I am doing it to be helpful to someone in this scenario -- then I sometimes say something like "I know you're circumspect, great at keeping confidences, but this especially I would ask you to keep private..." or some other request to refrain from repeating what I am about to share.  While one would think everything you say to a sponsor sort of by default falls under this umbrella, obviously people sometimes feel that if they omit the identities of the people involved the situation itself might be discussed -- again, hopefully in an effort to illustrate a point and/or to be helpful to someone.

You make good use of AA's tools, I can tell that from your email, but I might suggest -- if you haven't done it already -- to lean heavily into some writing and praying about the right course to choose and the right words to use.

And it might be worth talking to your sponsor directly about it, not only for your own sake, but to help them be a better sponsor in the future. After all, we're all learning how to be better sponsors all the time. Your sponsor (and I!) need to keep learning about how to be a better sponsor at this point in our journey equally as much as anyone with their first sponsee does.

Ultimately, I believe your new sponsee has a terrific sponsor, because that sponsor is deeply committed to being of service to them, and takes the responsibility of carrying the message very seriously.

Good luck, trust your instincts (because you are placing being of service first, and thus your instincts can be trusted) and please, by all means, let me know how it works out.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants