Mr. SponsorPants

a psychic price

 

 

 

 

 

One of the problems with being a people pleaser is that you are in a constant state of low grade dishonesty.

Afraid to tell your truth -- often completely out-of-touch with what your truth even is -- every interaction is based on a reflexive fear of any kind of conflict whatsoever.

We may tell ourselves we're nice, or that we mean well, but the truth is often that we are simply afraid to play it any differently. In fact for some of us, we actually lose the ability to. 

(It's not courtesy, tact or diplomacy if you're afraid to be clear. Or, conversely, if you have to work yourself up into a hysterical rage to finally be honest, and then spend the next 24 hours apologizing and passive/aggressively asking everyone if you're a terrible person, just so they can reassure you that you're not, you are equally trapped in fear.)

As a people pleaser, at the end of the day I have no integrity. 

And there is, for lack of a better word, a psychic price one pays for that.

 

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

 

but you're not running late

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Remember, if you let them in they can't cut you off.)

 

 

Ouch: Leo doesn't pull the punch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

can't call it "old behavior"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

worth repeating.

 

 

Shooters: Quick shots from Meetings

 

 

 

"You seem really attached to your suffering."

 

It's easy to let our pain become our identity.

 Of course it informs us.

Of course it shapes some elements of our personality.

Of course it installs some programming in our "mental software."

 But ultimately, through writing, sharing and listening, I perceive that pain is either part of a growth process or a choice, but the suffering generally comes from my resistance and it does not have to define me.

I have choices today.

 

 

 

 

Shooters: Quick shots from Meetings: chew on it

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Did you REALLY have a bad day? Or did you just have a couple of bad moments and then decide to chew on it for the rest of the afternoon?"

 

Well when you put it THAT way...

 

 

 

use this line

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If someone pushes (and pushes and pushes) when you politely decline something (anything) feel free to use this line.

For the people pleasers in the room, sometimes it's hard to come up with something to say in the moment when you're under pressure to hold the line -- I suggest having a couple of "rehearsed" responses ready to fall back on.

I suspect a gentle delivery is as effective a way to draw your boundary as a more vehement line reading, but do what's right for you in the moment.

 

 

 

 

no April Fool's jokes today...

often,

the most challenging,

difficult,

painful,

intractable

resentments

are the ones we hold

against ourselves.

 

they're so much more than

woulda coulda shoulda.

they're a deep,

disappointed awareness

of long held behaviors,

lifelong shortcomings,

and deeply grooved

character traits

which symbolize

(sometimes quite accurately)

ways in which we are not 

strong or

sound

or capable.

(because somewhere inside

is still the belief that we should

always always be

strong, sound and capable.

always.)

 

what kind of inventory

can we write, when we

resent ourselves?

after all,

my part IS

what I resent...

 

first, we must remember that

just because we think we

know whatever it is we

think we know,

doesn't mean we know very much.

for me,

putting pen to paper has never,

EVER

failed to reveal some new insight

or offer fresh perspective.

(especially if I remove my

spiritual dirty diaper

and approach the page with as

open a mind as I'm able.)

 

then I try hard

to remember that

I am no less deserving of

forgiveness than anyone.

(and then I shut down the

part of me which shouts

"stop making excuses!"

after all, what am I supposedly

making excuses for?

being flawed? being human?

I am and I am

is all.)

self examination is

not about self

abuse. its objective is not merely

to find more ammo for the

self-hate machine.

(you think your hybrid gets good mileage?

you should check under the hood of that baby.

runs forever on just a few drops of

self-centered fear and

ingratitude.)

 

which reminds me,

the solution is the same,

whether I resent you,

me, or conjured fantasies and

imagined scenarios

(since I'm as likely to resent things that have never

and probably will never

happen as I am to resent anyone or

anything else).

 

the solution is

service and gratitude and

healthy action

(often contrary action)

and whether I

"feel like it" or not

makes absolutely not

one

bit

of

difference

to its effectiveness.

 

willingness does not mean

"want to."

 

wallow or recover.

grow or go.

same old choice, really,

to go with my

same old

solutions.

 

 _________________________________________________________________ 

  There are more essays like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook via Amazon.

 

you are perfectly welcome to

 

 

 

 

It is interesting, I think, how much we struggle sometimes

against submitting to

direction or

suggestion or

an idea of God or

the requested guidance from a

sponsor or

the ideas contained in a

program of recovery.

It is interesting, because

we were so very

obedient

to our addictions.

 

There is nothing to defy.

Take the suggestion or don't.

You are perfectly welcome to keep your

shitty little addict life

if you want.

or don't