Mr. SponsorPants

statistics for breakfast

 

 

This morning I had statistics for breakfast.

 

This morning I woke up fifty five years old. (I get to turn fifty-five years old today.)

This morning I woke up 10,553 days sober.

I woke up with a healthy liver.

I woke up with a sense of well being.

I woke up in my own bed.

I woke up employed (and employable).

I woke with the thought of family, friends, co-workers... the people in my life whom I love and respect and who love and respect me.

This morning I woke up.

If you look at the statistics for a man like me

I should be ill or homeless.

I should be tortured by regret and dread. 

I shouldn't even get to be 55.

I should be dead.

But instead

 

this morning I had statistics for breakfast.

 

I woke up, and from that simple act alone I broke a few.

I took stock; saw who and how I am, and it was like taking a bunch of statistics, breaking them into tiny pieces, placing them in a bowl, pouring almond milk all over them and eating them for breakfast.

 

Close to twenty-nine years ago, I was incapable of saying no to a drink - I was unable not to want a drink, even when I didn't want a drink (not that I ever wanted a drink). The part of me that wanted to live was helpless and overpowered by the part of me that wanted... well, that wanted what it wanted. All the time.

The part of me that wanted to live was tied up and gagged and stuffed into a trunk in the attic. Helpless.

Till I got help. 

(I'm without power over my alcoholism. I'm not without help.)

And it's free help available to anyone who wants it. Anyone who is willing to have it.

 

We celebrate sober anniversaries in AA -- for good reason. But today I celebrate my natal birthday as not just the passing of another year on planet Earth, but as a testament to Alcoholics Anonymous as a road map for living sober. 

As a road map for living. 

I don't know if AA is for you, or for any person in particular, who is troubled by alcohol or drug abuse.

At the end of the day, that's really not my business.

What I know is that it's right for me.

That me + AA = a much better me.

 

This morning I woke up

and today I will celebrate with people I love the passing of another year on planet Earth.

Grateful to be here.

Grateful to be grateful.

 

can transform can deform

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy and change ordinary opportunities into blessings."

- William Arthur Ward

 

"Conversely, when I don't feel gratitude, my perspective -- rather than being transformed -- is deformed, and my days are nightmares, my job is drudgery and ordinary opportunities are never enough. Seriously. It is that profound a difference in my life."

- Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

Rabbi Kushner is correct

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was drinking, and then when I was newly sober, I would hear about people doing kind things, being of service, etc., and I would think things like "Why would anyone want to do that?" 

I certainly liked the idea of being well thought of, and I was always happy to position myself to look like a nice person, but internally I had no connection between the kind act and the transformation of the spirit.

But after the fog lifted, and I thawed (so, so slowly!) I took AA's advice to heart, that it didn't matter how I felt, or if the action made sense to me, that I would just do it anyway.

 

And it was then that I got it.

 

There is something... right... about being of service. On a very fundamental, nearly physical level, I got it.

I understand why people are puzzled or too afraid or shut down to be actively kind and helpful on a daily basis -- and certainly "no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints." -- but when you do the work, the result will amaze. 

In my experience, Rabbi Kushner is correct. Something inside responds.

 

 

feeling gratitude

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.

 

Elizabeth Gilbert

 

 

 

 

just because it's a cliche doesn't make it any less true

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Year's Day: 2016 - Dear God

 

 

 

 

 

Dear God,

Thank you for the day, this day, the turn of the page, the still being here for the next New Year.

Thank you for all the lessons over the past 365.  I was going to say "lessons learned" but we both know that while some lessons were presented (or presented again! ouch!) not all of them were learned.  Or some that were learned were somehow un-learned. Forgotten.

Regardless, thank you for the lessons, because I know now more than ever that they aren't lessons so much as chances. Opportunities. And every single thing you present to me -- every wonderful, confusing, scary, uncomfortable, humbling, tantalizing, spectacular, joyous and mysterious-in-the-moment thing -- are all (every single one) an effort to help me see and feel the connectedness of You ever more clearly around me. To see all the people I encounter with truly loving eyes, to fully appreciate each rich moment of my life; to stretch in my faith and to wear down my internal walls (so lovingly built, brick by brick, day by day, in the mistaken attempt to keep me safe -- or in a wise attempt to keep me safe then, but are in fact blocking me from the light now).

Thank you for the chance to fill my life with people (the terrifying, the irritating, the inspiring and the nurturing). Some people mistakenly think they are bereft. Abandoned. Alone - without hope or help. I know that is not my truth today - and it never has to be again, if I am willing to show up and open up.

Thank you for dear family, blessed friends, for all the people I've worked with this year who taught me so much.

Thank you for my sponsees, those men and women I cherish and who (though sometimes I think they don't quite believe it) help me far, far more than I ever believe I am able to help them.

Thank you for my Great Spiritual Teachers, those who push me to develop ever more patience and tolerance, kindness and grace.

Thank you for helping me see myself with new eyes, to learn to love and forgive (but still work on) my messy procrastination, my sloppy self indulgence, my impulsiveness, my rigidity, my fear and my ego  -- and to acknowledge the healthy things about me, those gifts you so generously showered me with: my talent, my capacity for empathy, my sense of humor, my ability to listen well and hear what people are really trying to say...

my health,

my humble path,

clean water, good food, safe haven,

my sobriety.

Dear God, thank you for my sobriety. That unbelievable gift. That safe harbor. That springboard to infinite possibilities.

Thank you God, for 2015: Both scary and spectacular by turns.

 

And as for 2016, God -- You and me, let's see what we can make of it, okay? Word has it that, one day at a time, there's pretty much nothing we can't do together.

So let's prove that right.

 

With Gratitude and Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

Gratitude Day: Two essays on gratitude, slightly revised, and reprinted by request.

 

 

 

 

 

 

no words can ever fully express

 

staying

sober

one day at a time

is a joyous and

pitiless

spiritual journey

containing rewards undreamt of

at the start;

(with just

a little bit of

grim tedium

too,

hidden among the days.)

 

for all my

mad, scrabbling ego,

my bizarre, relentless vanity

and my

occasionally compulsive

self destructive

tendencies

(and oh! how some days

I romance those dreary false glamours and

stale excitements)

I know with

bedrock

certainty

that

this stupid beautiful corny sweet clumsy cliche-ridden nearly perfect AA deal

is the best damn thing that

ever

happened

to

me.

 

how this damaged and foolish child

one day at a time

remains balanced on the ever cresting wave of spiritual transformation

and somehow keeps riding the miracle

is only for some Divine Agency to fully understand.

 

when I remember to break free from the

self-hypnosis

of my little schemes and

my little dreams

(like a dog shaking water from its coat)

and in my limited way try to comprehend the gift I've been given

my heart swells and I am grateful in a way no words can

ever

fully

express.

 

________________________________________________________

 

 

Gratitude Day: And my arm's still too short to box with God

 

Mr. SponsorPants:  Well God, it's Gratitude Day.

GOD:  Yup.

Mr. SP:  And, although I know I can essentially bring anything to You, I have a question that feels kind of... well, kind of stupid.

 

silence for a few moments

 

Mr. SP:  Ummm, God?

GOD:  Yes?

Mr. SP:  Aren't you going to say something encouraging like, 'There are no stupid questions' or 'yes, you can bring everything to Me' or something like that?

GOD:  No.  I don't think so.  You know I really don't go in for responding to you when you're fishing and being passive/aggressive like that.

Mr. SP:  God!  Err, I mean the exclamation, not You, but... God!  That is so... you know, sometimes maybe I need a little encouragement.  Sometimes maybe I'm frightened and I need a little reassurance.  Needing encouragement is not being passive/aggressive you know.

GOD:  Yes, I know.  You're right.

Mr. SP:  Ha!  So there!

GOD:  Needing encouragement or reassurance is not being passive/aggressive.  Being manipulative in your statement so that you can get that encouragement... that's passive/aggressive. 

Mr. SP:  <sigh>  How come when I start to talk with you about something else we keep taking these left turns?

GOD:  Because you're driving?  Just ask your question, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  Okay.  I wonder if sometimes I'm doing gratitude... wrong.

GOD:  You certainly come up with a constant stream of new and inventive ways to make yourself feel bad about yourself, Mr. SponsorPants.  How on earth could you do gratitude 'wrong'?

Mr. SP:  Well, sometimes I find my way into gratitude by <mumble mumble mumble>.

GOD:  What?  Speak clearly.

Mr. SP:  Sometimes I find my way into gratitude by looking at the misfortunes and challenges other people have, and I'm grateful that's not my lot -- that I do not have their problems.  That I do not suffer as they do or have to face down the things they must.  And that seems... I dunno, just... like the wrong way to go about feeling grateful for what I have.

GOD:  Ah.

 

silence for a few moments

 

Mr. SP:  That's it?  'Ah.'  All that and all you give me is 'Ah'?

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants, I have a question for you, too.  Do you feel pleasure at the misfortunes of these others that you're comparing yourself to? 

Mr. SP:  What?  Of course not!  I mean, sometimes if it's a person that has really challenged me in the past...

GOD:  One of your Great Spiritual Teachers, you mean.

Mr. SP:  Yes.  If someone's been an arrogant schmuck, and they get a little egg on their face, maybe I feel a sense of cosmic justice, but I don't actually enjoy anyone's hardships, no. And when it comes to real tragedy I'm just... well, I land somewhere between horrified and terrified, actually.

GOD:  So you just use other people's challenges, their paths, as a frame of reference for yourself.

Mr. SP: Yes.

GOD: Or a way to see what you've been, if you'll forgive a somewhat Biblical term, 'spared.'

Mr. SP: God, I can't think of anyone whose got more of a right to throw Biblical terms around now and again than you.

GOD: Fair enough. But, to go back to the point, you use what happens to other people as a frame of reference.

Mr. SP:  Yes.

GOD:  Okay then.

Mr. SP:  Okay what?

GOD:  You're not asking if that's a wrong way to find gratitude, you already think it is, and you want maybe confirmation, or absolution. And maybe instruction.

Mr. SP:  Do other people get a headache when they talk to You?  'cause I'm starting to get a headache. I thought it was a simple question and...

GOD:  The question is simple. You're the complicated part.

Mr. SP:  Is that... kind of a compliment?

GOD:  No.

Mr. SP:  oh.

GOD:  Gratitude is, indeed, seeing what you have, and what you are spared, yes.  Whether you do that via comparing yourself to others' misfortunes, or through a more positive view of whatever bounty you have doesn't really matter.  The point is more that you are training yourself to perceive your life and your circumstances differently; to see the gifts in your life for what they are.  When you don't see what you have, you're focused on what you lack -- and when you do that, you are generally in Fear, and it is then much harder for you to hear Me.

Mr. SP:  oh.  So gratitude isn't about feeling good really, it's more about being able to see and hear You a little better.

GOD:  Pretty much, yes.

Mr. SP:  And so... as long as I'm doing that, it's okay however I get there.

GOD:  Bravo, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  See, God, if you stick with me, I get it eventually.

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants, I have never, not for one single solitary moment, doubted you.  You on the other hand...

Mr. SP:  I know, I know... work in progress, God.  Work in progress.

GOD:  I know.  I know.  Happy Gratitude Day, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  You too, God.  You know, for a somewhat trite literary construct, these exchanges are very helpful and surprisingly emotional for me sometimes.

GOD:  I know that, too.

Mr. SP:  Of course you do.

 

 

 

 

 

watch yourself

 

 

 

 

 

There were people who went to sleep last night, 
poor and rich and white and black, 
but they will never wake again. 

And those dead folks would give anything at all 
for just five minutes of this weather 
or ten minutes of plowing. 

So you watch yourself about complaining. 

What you're supposed to do 
when you don't like a thing is change it. 
If you can't change it, 
change the way you think about it.

Maya Angelou

 

 

 

Anne articulates: where the joy resides

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Gratitude begins in our hearts and then dovetails into behavior.

It almost always makes you willing to be of service, which is where the joy resides.

It means that you are willing to stop being such a jerk.

When you are aware of all that has been given to you, in your lifetime and the past few days, it is hard not to be humbled, and pleased to give back.”

 

-- Anne Lamott, "Help Thanks Wow: The Three Essential Prayers" 

 

 

 

 

Albert on gratitude