Mr. SponsorPants

as close to actual blasphemy as I will ever get

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes one of the hardest things to do is

not lose all faith in humanity.

it sounds cliche (which when you think about it is kind of awful that such a thing could be cliche)

but there it is. 

when it hits I am genuinely sick and baffled by what I see and hear.

 

but equally hard is

not to use my despair of the world

and all the evil to be found therein

as an excuse 

to indulge my own spiritual sickness.

 

on some deep level, 

(just beyond the spotlight of my consciousness)

my alcoholism wants to use whatever sickness I encounter,

be it petty and banal or massive and heart-wrenching, 

as permission.

 

when I really think about that 

it's kind of disgusting.

 

sickness calls to sickness,

I guess.

 

all I can do is be still,

stand still inside,

and acknowledge that acting out my fear or despair

or indulging my self destructive impulses

(which scream to be free and

can throb with a pain

as tangible and

insistent as an

aching tooth)

doesn't change anything

doesn't help anything

and is as close to actual blasphemy as I will ever get.

 

the darkness outside

does

not

justify

quenching our own light.

 

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

Anne illustrates "attraction not promotion"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few words from Emmet Fox about affirmations...

 

 

 

 

 

       Thoughtless people sometimes state that our meditations and affirmations are foolish because we state what is not so. "To claim that my body is well or being healed when it is not is only to tell a lie," said one distinguished man some years ago.

       This is to misunderstand the whole principle. We affirm the harmony that we seek in order to provide the subconscious with a blueprint of the work to be done. When you decide to build a house your architect prepares drawings of a complete house. Actually, of course, there is no such house on the lot today, but you would not think to say the architect is drawing a lie. He is drawing what is to be, in order that it may be. So, we build in thought the conditions that will later come into manifestation on the physical plane. 

 

"Around the Year with Emmet Fox"

Pg. 341

 

 

This analogy of Mr. Fox's really helped me stop judging, and with an open mind (or mostly open), explore the practice of affirmations.

 

Sure, via my experience with the 12 Steps I subscribe to the belief that there is a God and that God has a Plan. And while I will never fully comprehend God's Plan, I believe it is ultimately a good and benevolent one for me -- even though great whopping chunks of it are hard or scary or painful or dull (never mind that just by being born where I was born I am wildly over-advantaged compared to 3/4 of the world on any given day, and thus this great benevolent Plan which looks so sweet for me looks pretty poor for that 3/4, and the whole "I'll never fully understand the Plan" thing gets stretched a little thin against all that)... but with that said, believing in the value of -- and diligently practicing -- affirmations does not mean I think I am the one making the Plan.

Just like my journey with prayer has evolved over the years, -- i.e. I am praying to change me, not to change the world around me, praying for God to use me rather than praying to the Santa Clause God to "gimme" -- so too my affirmations are more about enhancing my character assets while whittling away at my (many) character defects.

 

Ultimately for me the practice of affirmations is now rooted equally in both science and faith.

We now have a whole body of research demonstrating how the brain, much like a computer, has mental "programs" running we may not even be fully aware of, but with some mental discipline this "software" can be rewritten; that meditation or focused thought (i.e. affirmations) have real and measurable effects on our thinking and our physicality.  That's the science part, and if you Google around some of it is fascinating reading. (Sure, some of it drifts into what might be more speculative than reportive, but there are hard numbers out there and a whole lot of data to back this up.)

And as for the faith... a cornerstone of my belief system is that I embrace the idea that I don't know everything. (Understatement! Titanic understatement!) That in fact I know next to nothing about much more than the most basic Spiritual Laws, and even that understanding is at an elementary level. I don't know how it all works, but I do have experience that there is something at work -- and in addition to AA's more structured and directed prayer and mediation, affirmations can be a helpful and healing spiritual tool to try and connect with that Something.

 

More simply put (really Mr. SponsorPants? Now you're going to put things simply?) as an alcoholic, I often have a busy busy mind, so why not make the conscious choice to dedicate some of that busy thinking to positive, helpful, constructive, character-defect-shrinking affirmations, rather than an alcoholic's more common mental loops: Fearfully catastrophizing the future or reliving old hurts or (worse yet) engaging in phantom conflicts with people that never happened (or haven't happened yet and likely won't), solely in the theater of my mind.

As with all spiritual tools, you never know until you really try.

 

 

 

 _________________________________________________________________

 

There are more essays like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

Ego: Thank you, Mr. Tolle, for your wonderful thoughts. Here, if I may, are a few additional comments of my own.

 

 

Ego is a part of the human experience.  Sometimes in AA, and in other schools of spiritual thought, we place it in a negative light (or, maybe that's just my interpretation of the light it is placed in?).

Speaking strictly for myself, I'm not sure the point is to try not to have one at all -- it is not a bad part of me, it is just a part of me; just like I have an arm, or a leg, and they are neither good nor bad but simply parts of me. 

I believe (for me) the point is to be aware of my ego and then try to transcend it.  To not let it be a driver but rather (to indulge a terrible metaphor) to have it be just a passenger.

To work -- using the tools of AA -- to be "right sized," that  is, neither 'greater than' nor 'less than' in relation to others, the world, or strangely sometimes even myself.

My greatest successes in this endeavor have come from two things:

1.  The repetition of a healthy message I hear in AA meetings (although that healthy message may be presented in an unhealthy way, meaning, some people are, as they say, shining examples while others are horrible warnings.  I learn equally from those who inspire me to emulate a positive example as I do from those who caution me through their behavior to try to be nothing like them).

2.  Prayer.  Whether I am actually able to connect with the Divine, or it is just a form of mental gymnastics in which I am rewriting the software of my mind, doesn't actually matter.  The result is what matters.  And in dealing with my ego, prayer works.

carrier pigeons

 

 

 

"...what matters is that we are doing our best.  We are sober.  And that's pretty damn good.  Actually, that IS our best."

A sponsee sent me that in a text today, and it showed up on my phone at a very opportune moment, which is the fancy way of saying: Damn, I needed to read that exactly at the moment I did.

Later on, I was thinking about that old AA term "pigeons" which was used (and still may be, in different parts of the country) as a moniker for a person someone sponsors -- as I use the word sponsee (and some people use the word "baby" -- though I've never felt overly comfortable with that one).

When I first heard the word "pigeon" in the context of a sponsee I thought it was demeaning or cynical.  And in fact one person I knew, many years ago now, used the term and attributed it to the idea that it is because a pigeon will shit on you and fly away.  (Nice, right?)

Fortunately I got the true story of how the term came to be used in this context, i.e., referring to a sponsee.

Apparently it started with Dr. Bob, one of AA's two co-founders.  He would refer to the people he did 12th Step work with as pigeons.  When asked why, he explained that in wartime (remember this was a very different era) carrier pigeons -- also sometimes referred to as homing pigeons -- were used to send vital information back and forth across great distances -- sometimes across enemy lines -- and that information could literally save lives.

So the 12th Step work he was doing with people was like the vital information transmitted by those carrier pigeons of old.  You sent them out, and they returned to you with a message which could potentially save your life.

I'm not one hundred percent sure of the accuracy of this origin story.  After all, AA's are no less vulnerable to sweetening up our own history than any other group of humans.  But whether it's fanciful or factual I can tell you this:  It's apt.

Because that's exactly what happened to me today -- vital, life-saving information returned home to me from someone I had been sharing it with for years now -- and I got it just when I needed it.

 

From the super fun, brilliant site "I Love Charts"

 

 

 

AA makes the red part really, really big, so that the orange part grows too.

(And remember, it's easier to feel like it's going to be okay if you stay.)

xo

Mr. SP

 

Questions via Email: Breathing and Meditating

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've read almost everything you've written. I think maybe everything. I am trying to start to meditate like Step 11 says. I read a lot of your writing you talk about breathing and meditating.  Or breathing.  Do you do that and do you do it a certain way when you meditate?

JG

 

Dear JG,

I think there's a really good "hot air" joke at my expense lurking somewhere around the edges of this, but for the moment it lies tantalizingly out of reach.

It's a great question. 

First, I don't think there's a "wrong" way to meditate.  There are as many kinds of meditations as there are people who want to meditate.  Walking meditations, sitting meditations, chanting meditations... and then there are people (and I am one of them) who can see some activities as a form of meditation.  The mindful practice of washing the dishes, for example (though I confess that's not one I've done lately), or gardening, or sitting and listening to something (even in an AA meeting) with your whole self... I would urge you to consider that the point is not to do it right, the point is to do it.

And meditation seems, to me, to be about stilling the chaos in our minds by doing one of two things:  Thinking of NO thing or thinking of only ONE thing.  Whichever you try, one of the best things I've ever heard about meditation was in an AA meeting, and it was the idea that, since our meditation is in large part about seeking a conscious contact with Something Greater than ourselves, we should never be discouraged by those (many) moments in our meditation practice when our mind slips back into the chatter we seek to quiet.  We should instead try to remember that the realization of the return of the chatter, and the simple attempt to recapture a more quiet focus, IS the meditation, since it is the essence of the seeking that conscious contact.

Simply put, it's not just when you are able to quiet your mind which is the meditation; the attempt to do so is the essence of the seeking, and thus the most fruitful moments of a meditation practice.

Oh JG, I really wanted to give you a simple answer and refrain from too much pontificating (since if you've read a lot of my writing you've had to wade through a belly full of THAT I wager) and yet I still slid into some meta there.  Sorry.

Simple and practical advice (experience) about meditation and breathing:

• Sit comfortably, sit still, then count down 100 breaths, trying to think only about the numbers as you count them, and being aware of the depth and pace of your breathing as you go.  For most of us it will take a long time to even make it to 90 before the chatter starts to intrude.  (And, embarrassingly, I often sometimes lose count when I do that!  Sad but true.)

• Or do visualizations -- those work really well for me as it gives my imagination a focus and that somehow helps me find some quiet.  Visualize breathing in Light and breathing out Dark.  Or, if you don't like the idea of visualizing darkness inside you when you meditate, visualize a sort of glowing white energy breathing in and then a not-glowing white energy breathing out.

• Come up with a mantra and as you breathe say it in rhythm to your breaths.  Then you get both mediation AND affirmation in one practice!  It's like the double word score of spiritual Scrabble!

• Press your index fingers to your thumbs as you inhale, hold the breath for a three count, and then release the breath, opening your fingers as you do -- feel all the stored energy (and tension) you collected flow out with the exhalation.

There are tons of guides and suggestions out there -- why not take a poll among people in Meetings you find interesting -- or break the ice with someone you find intimidating by asking about their mediation practice.  Or, maybe best of all, ask that person who seems to be at the meeting a lot but is often removed from the group in one way or another what their thoughts are -- then you can maybe both learn something helpful but also (and more importantly perhaps) help someone feel "a part of."

I myself have had long stretches -- years worth -- of a very disciplined and kind of "formal" meditation practice, and also had long stretches -- years worth -- of a much more casual, on-the-fly series of exercises to try and find peace amidst mental turmoil (I use those a LOT at work right now).

And while I feel that, outside of trying to follow a particular religion's specific discipline I want to reiterate that I don't think you can really do meditation "wrong," I also want to point out that in this, as in all things, you'll get a result in proportion to your effort.

In other words, to use an analogy, we can say that, yes, taking a stroll around the block is a form of exercise.  It's good for you and it stirs the blood and will increase your respiration a little, but that level of exercise won't get you to the Olympics.  To have a powerful physical transformation one needs the regular practice of a rigorous physical exercise routine.  I suspect that (for me) the "washing-the-dishes-mindfully-meditation" is the spiritual equivalent of walking around the block.  Sure, it's a meditation of sorts, but the result will not be the same as a disciplined -- even challenging -- regular (daily) meditation practice.

Hope some of that was helpful and not just a lot of ... nope.  Still can't find a fresh take on the hot air line.

 

Cheers!

Mr. SP

 

sleeping monsters

 

 

 

Some monsters I've been able to evict.

A few I've tamed.

The rest I work hard to keep asleep.

 

Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's like a daily lullabye

for the monsters in my head.

Sometimes I think about how much time I spent drinking

 

 

Sometimes I think about how much time I spent drinking,

stuck in the bar, stuck in the bottle; trapped in the infinity doomloop of self-obssession and chemically altered thoughts.

But I don't think of it as time wasted

(see what I did there?)

though it does occasionally take my breath away when I think about the sheer volume of hours days weeks years spent in sickness.

 

The AA literature suggests that we "do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

Sometimes when people reference that bit of the lit they sound as though they are following (or issuing) an order.

But it's not.

Not regretting the past, nor wishing to shut the door on it, is not an order to follow -- it is a result.  Specifically the result of working the 12 Steps (and, not to put too fine a point on it, a particular result promised before you are "half way through" Step 9.)

 

For me, this result is also rooted in the beginning of the 12 Steps, and understanding the disease concept of alcoholism.

To express how I understand this with a metaphor:

Someone who spent the first 20 years of their life in a wheelchair may think wistfully about what it might have been like to grow up free from that confinement -- but they probably don't get angry with themselves for not having spent their childhood in ballet or track -- because it's not that they didn't do those things (and thus "wasted" that time/opportunity), it's that they couldn't do those things.

The same is true for me when I understand the disease concept of alcoholism, and when I take the first step in understanding how powerless I am over it.  It's not that I didn't do healthier, better things -- it's that at that time in my life I couldn't do them.

 

And finally,

I had to have been who I was to be who I am.

And if I like who I am now, then nothing that happened before is really worth regretting.

 

lintiful

 

One of my regular AA Meetings couldn't meet this past week since there was a function at the building where we rent our room.  With some of the work challenges of late I haven't had as much flexibility with my time to add a "substitute" meeting to my routine if one I've planned my work around doesn't happen. 

Rushing a load of work clothes through the wash to go back in unexpectedly (long story) I was grousing in my head about ... oh, all of it.  The usual.  The result of course was that I was starting to be not-right-sized for my life...

Shoving socks and undershirts into the dryer I pulled out the lint trap and it was so lintiful (that's plentiful with lint, thankyouverymuch) it was like removing a washcloth from the trap rather than the usual slender layer.

It occurred to me then; I think my alcoholic mind is like the lint trap in a clothes dryer.

The more Meetings I go to, the more it's cleaned out.

The fewer I get... stuff builds up.

And when that happens, well... let's just say performance is impaired for both units.