Mr. SponsorPants

incomplete

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your compassion does not include yourself,

it is incomplete.

Siddhartha Gautama

 

 

 

 

 

The New Sponsee 18: The Last Amends Part 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

Closing in on three years along, the Skateboard Pup was down to his last amends.

(Well, last one from his original list as we've gone through the 12 Steps in the Big Book. I've never met an alcoholic -- present company very much included -- who couldn't manage to step on a toe or two in the course of any given month week day.)

It was the one that had haunted him; spiritually dogged him; since he wrote about it on his Fourth step and shared it with me during his Fifth.

As happens more than is likely to be pure coincidence, circumstances had aligned in a strange and highly unlikely way to present the poor Pup with a perfect and fairly immediate chance to "... make direct amends..." as the Ninth Step suggests.

And although he was trying to convince me -- and thus himself -- that he was game, the fact was, deep down he was having none of it.

 

Skateboard Pup: I guess what I keep coming back to is... you know... what if it not only doesn't go well it kind of... brings up a lot of other stuff for me.

Mr. SponsorPants: A lot of other stuff. Like... what kind of other stuff.

SBP: Just... you know. I don't know. What if I wind up feeling bad about myself bringing up all that old...

Mr. SP: Oooh. You don't want to make the amends because you're afraid... well, you're afraid it will hurt.

SBP: No!

I sat there.

SBP: Well I wouldn't put it that way, but...

Mr. SP: How would you put it?

SBP: I guess... like isn't it bad for my self esteem or something to... I mean I've done all the others and this just seems... maybe I need to pray about it more.

Mr. SP: Did you pray about it already?

SBP: Yes.

Mr. SP: And now [I described the unusual circumstances which came together].

SBP: Wellllllll... yes. I guess.

His agreement was offered with such reluctance I had to struggle for just a second not to laugh.

Mr. SP: So I'm going to call that 'prayer answered' and 'time for action.'

I have seen small children confronting a plate of Brussels Sprouts evince more enthusiasm to get on with it than the Pup seemed able to muster at that moment.

Mr. SP: Gotta say, it feels an awful lot like a problem with willingness right now.

SBP: No, I'm willing.

Mr. SP: mmm. 'We who are about to die, salute you.'

SBP: Huh?

Mr. SP: Skip it. If it's not willingness, as you claim, then it's this... damage to your self esteem you're worried about, after having worked hard to create some, I'm going to (by extension) take as your larger inference.

SBP: ooookay.

He was on his guard. For good reason. He knows me too well now.

Mr. SP: So this damage to your self esteem would... hurt you. So it's what I said, you're afraid making the amends will hurt you.

SBP: I still don't think that's exactly... sure. Fine. Yes.

Mr. SP: Well there you go. You have a fundamental misunderstanding at work.

SBP: I do?

Mr. SP: Yes. You do. There is no 'me' in the Ninth Step.

SBP: There is no 'me' in the Ninth Step.

He said it like someone who'd bitten into something and was unsure what they were tasting.

Mr. SP: Come on, man. You know this. The only people we're worried about hurting when we make an amends is the recipient or... well, anyone else. But not ourselves. Amends are both the key to a serious freedom, which I know you've experienced from doing your others...

SBP: Yes, but...

Mr. SP: Please. Don't even try.

He laughed.

SBP: Okay. And what else? The key to serious freedom and...?

Mr. SP: An invitation to the All You Can Eat Humility Buffet. At least for the duration of the amends. Afterwards...

SBP: I know. I know.

This was, after all, his last amends. Not his first. He DID know.

Mr. SP: And so... the time is now.

I waited.

SBP: You mean like... NOW now?

I shrugged. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and then closed it more firmly. Between you and me? This kid never fails to inspire me. I felt like I could actually see him go from reluctance to resignation to acceptance to determination in the space of two quelled objections.

SBP: Okay then. Now.

And he got out his phone to arrange a face-to-face.

 

 

 

 

not sorry anymore

 

 

It used to be

that if

you wrecked me

I apologized.

 

not anymore.

 

I said

"I'm sorry"

as buffer

and protection

and avoidance

and to ask permission.

 

not anymore.

 

I would offer

an apology

(I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry!)

as a kind of currency

to buy my right

to speak

or take up space

or even breathe.

To be with you or even to

just be.

So many "sorry's!"

offered like those old fashioned tickets they used to use at amusement parks to let you ride the ride.

I said "I'm sorry" because

I was afraid

you'd hurt me

before I could hurt myself

so that you wouldn't hurt me.

I would hurt myself

for you

to show you

we were on the same side.

"I don't like me that much either! See? We have so much in common! It's like we're allies!"

 

not anymore.

 

It took a while,

and some work,

(and a little Divine Intervention on occasion)

but I stopped hurting me.

And then I stopped aligning myself with

people who hurt me.

And sometimes that hurt their feelings,

so they said.

But I'm not sorry about that.

 

That ride is closed now.

Hang a sign on it:

"Closed till further notice! Not sorry!"

 

I've healed a lot.

Come a long way.

Not all the way, but a long way.

Now I may make restitution, but I don't need to buy my space on the earth by asking permission or forgiveness.

I own when I screw up

(and boy, can I ever screw stuff up sometimes).

I take responsiblity for my side of the street before cleaning it up and making it right.

But "sorry?"

 

For being here?

For being imperfect?

For falling short or failing big?

For being smart?

For being sensitive?

For being (usually) too much or (occasionally) too little?

Too big or too small?

For being not you?

For being me?

For not even always knowing who "me" is but fumbling and bumbling along, trying to figure it out?

Nope.

I'm not sorry for any of that.

 

not anymore.

 

Thank God.

 

Preach, sister.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I confess, not wanting to make amends to certain people is a powerful, fairly positive, curb on my behavior.

Over the years I have learned (the hard way) the very great value of restraint of tongue and text.

 

 

If we really want to learn how to forgive...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mr. Lewis makes a wise observation.*

Just because I know that forgiveness of those who do wrong will help free me from resentment (and that often the jumping off point for that forgiveness is the understanding that the people who do harm are themselves spiritually sick), that knowledge does not necessarily endow me with the ability to forgive.

Sometimes, all good knowledge can do is point the way.

We must still travel the distance and discover how to apply what we have learned.

Sometimes it makes sense to start small.

 

 

 

*Hat tip to Anne Lamott for reminding me of this quote. 

 

amends prevention

 

 

 

 

 

 

the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering

 

 

 

 

 

a person you are not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

you deserve

 

 

 

 

 

the difference between an apology and an amends

 

 

 

the difference between a simple apology and a complete amends is

restitution;

in whatever form it might take.