"As I look back on that period, I realize how true it is that one of the primary differences between alcoholics and nonalcoholics is that nonalcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous, "Window of Opportunity," pg. 423
How do I do that?
The answer is found on the bottom of page 66 and the top of page 67 of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," AA's Big Book.
"There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation."
AA's Big Book, "There is a Solution," pg. 25
Or, to make it even more clear, what is required for success in working the program of recovery outlined in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous?"
Self-searching.
The leveling of our pride.
The confession of our shortcomings.
As it says elsewhere in the book, "What an order! I can't go through with it!"
No one does it perfectly. The key to getting and staying sober is to do it.
And then keep doing it.
I promise that while it's not always easy, it's not nearly as grim as it might sound.
Promise.
"I thought Will was to Grace like Laverne was to Shirley..."
Nope. Wrong will. Wrong grace.
I've heard any number of people in meetings share their confusion in sorting out will... usually it's about something like "their will" vs. "God's will."
Over the years I've certainly gone a few rounds on this question myself.
But the Big Book -- my north star, my road map for living sober -- makes it simple and clear for me:
"...It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will..." (Big Book, Chapter Six, 'Into Action,' pg. 85)
Grace is the unearned gift of relief from my alcoholism -- and ultimately my self obsession -- via a power greater than myself. The proper use of my will, when applied to God's grace, is to harness it -- all of it: my intuition, my thoughts, my experience, my emotion -- and use the gift of my sobriety and this way of life to be of service to others.
Not just in meetings. In every area of my life.
To bring to the world not the sick, spoiled child I can still sometimes be (oh God), nor the drunk (thank God), nor the dry drunk (please God)... but to bring to the world the sober man -- sobriety for me today being about so much more than physical sobriety.
(Certainly, it all starts there. All else is pointless without physical sobriety. But I aspire to live these principles beyond just putting down the drink -- the irony of course being that living these principles is what helps me not pick up the drink. It may look like a lofty aspiration -- and in one regard, maybe it is -- but it is also how a drunk maintains equilibrium and creates ballast against the pull of self-obsessive thinking -- which is so often at the root of how we justify drinking again.)
Elsewhere it says, in reference to the 12 Steps, "...what an order! I can't go through with it!"
Trying to live these principles fully in my life I remember what the Big Book says right after that: "...Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." (Big Book, Chapter Five, 'How It Works,' pg. 60)
Which translates for me into: 'Willing to grow along spiritual lines' means I will try to do things differently. I will try to do things the way AA suggests, instead of the old, fear-based ways in which I used to behave. Not "I will try to think differently." No. As has been said in many meetings -- and which blew my mind when I first heard it: I can't think my way into different (right) actions, I have to act my way into different (right) thinking.
When I do, I'm a lot less tortured.
In many ways the transformation I experience via divine grace (whatever that phrase means to you) gives me a new will. One through which I experience the real joy of being useful to others.
And as I have said before -- perhaps many times now -- and will likely say again:
This transformation is available for free, to anyone who wants it -- anyone willing -- via the 12 Steps.
Perhaps it's not the only way, but it is certainly the way that worked for me.
"Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind... "
-- Big Book, Chapter 2, There is a Solution, pg. 23
Untreated alcoholism actively works to prevent my ability to "observe" my thinking. It obscures and distorts the logical sequence of thoughts which would allow me to connect action with consequence.
"There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove."
-- Big Book, Chapter 2, There is a Solution, pg. 24
It was listening in AA meetings, and then working through all 12 Steps, which finally allowed me to perceive the "alcoholic thinking" in my mind as it was happening. And once I could "see" it, I could do something about it.
It is a solution, however, which needs consistent reapplication. I continue to go to AA meetings and follow AA's suggestions because when I become lax about that my ability to recognize alcoholic thinking for what it is fades away as well.
That's been my experience, anyway.
What I perceive is merely what I perceive.
As the chapter "We Agnostics" talks about in the Big Book, our ability to see all that comprises the physical universe is severely limited -- I experience the results of the laws of the physical universe but I cannot always perceive them -- I do not actually see solar radiation, but I sunburn -- so why might not the same be true of the spiritual universe? I can experience the results of spiritual laws, but I may not always perceive them. At best I see a spiritual result and then try to work backwards and deduce what spiritual principles might exist to produce it.
Consider: Before people understood magnetism they could witness its result. They could use it without knowing about polarity, or that the force is basically the result of an alignment of electrons at the atomic level, or any of the other basic facts about the phenomenon that we know -- or can easily find out -- today. (Thanks Wikipedia!)
To their eyes, sometimes the metal stuck to the (lode)stone, and sometimes it didn't. Sometimes there was an attraction and sometimes there was a repulsion. Some metals retained a magnetic charge strongly and others not at all. Of course from these observations two things naturally happened: One is that people began to understand how magnetism works, and the other is that along the way to understanding, many inaccurate theories and false conclusions were reached.
Speaking for myself, I need to remember this when I consider God, the universe, the Great All and how Spiritual Laws may work. I -- and others -- observe and experience, and along the way we may become quite convinced of things which are, in fact, inaccurate theories and false conclusions.
Thus I must strive to keep an open mind, even when I feel comfortable or connected to my Higher Power. It is important that I always work to remain a student.
I listen for the still, small voice inside. I meditate and I pray -- because I do not need to understand how these things work in order to experience that they do work.
The human mind is designed to question, to seek understanding, but in this case I do not need to achieve it -- in point of fact I actually cannot.
I just need to live one day at a time by the spiritual principles laid out in Alcoholics Anonymous (which echo so many other spiritual schools of thought) and when I do I experience these results: A reprieve from my addiction, a peaceful mind and a miraculously open heart.
I consider it a good way for me to live.
Sometimes when alcoholism kills the cause of death is obvious and loud and horrifying: Cars wrapped around trees, overdoses, chronic liver failure...
and sometimes when it kills it is quiet and crafty, working in dark and subtle ways, like a dry rot of the spirit; partnering with the most soul crushing manifestations of mental illness until the only choice left is the final one.
The very bottom of pg. 66 and the top of pg. 67 in a nutshell.
In the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book), the 12 Steps are directly listed in Chapter 5, appropriately entitled "How It Works."
The 3rd Step of Alcoholics Anonymous: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
In the book, after some discussion of the principles behind Steps 1 & 2, the idea of not living our lives based on self-will, but rather turning ourselves over to God (as you understand God) is explored. The 3rd Step Prayer is written out. It is just one suggested prayer expressing this idea, not a mandatory by-rote, Pass/Fail requirement as a way to commit to this concept. In fact, in its usual even-handed and open-minded fashion, the Big Book states that the words of this prayer are "... of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea, voicing it without reservation." Say it however you like, in whatever way works for you. Say it as a prayer, perform it as a rap, do it like Dr. Seuss might put it. ("One fish two fish red fish blue fish. God's will my will I will Your willl.") The point is to have an open heart and a sincere (or as sincere as possible) willingness to try.
A little farther along we get to this: "Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action..." meaning there was something we had to DO. In fact, the real crux of this point is just a few lines on. This: "Though our decision [meaning, of course, our decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God -- that decision] was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort..." and it goes on to describe the 4th Step, the principles underlying it and ultimately how to do it.
So, what this means to me, is this:
The decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God is just that, a decision. A commitment -- and the 3rd Step Prayer is my pledge to do so. But just as a decision to go to the airport does not magically and instantly transport you to the airport -- you actually have to get in your car and drive to the airport -- so, too, this decision, though "vital and crucial" -- is just another bullshit, self-indulgent, melodramatic performance art piece in (if you're an alcoholic like me) a life filled with such moments -- often well intended and just as often as easily burned away as dew in the summertime -- unless followed by tangible action. And when getting sober, the primary way to execute this pledge-to-action is by doing all the rest of the 12 Steps. (And thus a spiritual experience is created, which is the key component to staying sober).
Once I've gone through the 12 Steps, I still find that I return to the idea of "turning it over," that is, of turning myself or a situation over to God. But again, that decision will require action to make it stick.
God -- if there is one, and today I have to vote yes -- will certainly forgive and love me through making another bullshit promise and then falling down on the action part -- or rather, turning a sincere promise into a bullshit one by not doing anything after I make it.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. It's not like the movies (though I sure wish it were). There's no dramatic swell of music, an uplifting montage and then a whole new deal. Sometimes it's myriad small actions which accrue over time that lead to substantive change. My prayer keeps me stable and gives me both focus as to what I'm supposed to be doing and faith that I am in the right place, doing the right thing -- and reminds me that a benevolent universe has my best interest (not my comfort, but my best interest) at heart.
As always though, it is the footwork I do which is the catalyst to change, far more than the performance art prayer moment which gets my emotional ya-ya's off but can, in fact, be a form of procrastination -- if you wait for God to do the dishes you gonna have one dirty sink, sister.
The prayer IS beautiful, and as the Big Book mentions, very often a real and tangible change can be felt inside. But when they say "faith without works is dead" they ain't lyin'.
Finally, the 3rd Step prayer -- whether we're getting sober, or in sobriety giving another situation to God -- is also my pledge to align myself with whatever results I may get as the outcome. You do the footwork, you accept the result as God's Will -- which of course might be anything from "keep trying" to "hang on, because here's a gigantic Yes!" or it may even be, "Sorry, but hell no." My growth is in the seeking, in the process, anyway.
Helluva way to run a Universe, in my opinion, but there it is.
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There are more essays like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others." Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon. Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.