often,
the most challenging,
difficult,
painful,
intractable
resentments
are the ones we hold
against ourselves.
they're so much more than
woulda coulda shoulda.
they're a deep,
disappointed awareness
of long held behaviors,
lifelong shortcomings,
and deeply grooved
character traits
which symbolize
(sometimes quite accurately)
ways in which we are not
strong or
sound
or capable.
(because somewhere inside
is still the belief that we should
always always be
strong, sound and capable.
always.)
what kind of inventory
can we write, when we
resent ourselves?
after all,
my part IS
what I resent...
first, we must remember that
just because we think we
know whatever it is we
think we know,
doesn't mean we know very much.
for me,
putting pen to paper has never,
EVER
failed to reveal some new insight
or offer fresh perspective.
(especially if I remove my
spiritual dirty diaper
and approach the page with as
open a mind as I'm able.)
then I try hard
to remember that
I am no less deserving of
forgiveness than anyone.
(and then I shut down the
part of me which shouts
"stop making excuses!"
after all, what am I supposedly
making excuses for?
being flawed? being human?
I am and I am
is all.)
self examination is
not about self
abuse. its objective is not merely
to find more ammo for the
self-hate machine.
(you think your hybrid gets good mileage?
you should check under the hood of that baby.
runs forever on just a few drops of
self-centered fear and
ingratitude.)
which reminds me,
the solution is the same,
whether I resent you,
me, or conjured fantasies and
imagined scenarios
(since I'm as likely to resent things that have never
and probably will never
happen as I am to resent anyone or
anything else).
the solution is
service and gratitude and
healthy action
(often contrary action)
and whether I
"feel like it" or not
makes absolutely not
one
bit
of
difference
to its effectiveness.
willingness does not mean
"want to."
wallow or recover.
grow or go.
same old choice, really,
to go with my
same old
solutions.
_________________________________________________________________
There are more essays like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others." Available as an eBook via Amazon.
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