Mr. SponsorPants

I pray that I will remember how it feels

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am afraid, and I pray that I will remember how it feels

(how does it feel? it feels like my faith is a weak tea, tepid and watery. it feels like my faith is an old rope bridge with rotted boards and missing planks; impractical, unsafe and no longer up to the task.)

I pray I will remember how it feels so that when I meet others who are afraid I can be gentle, and summon a genuine, authentic word which might penetrate the fog and offer comfort, inspiration and a renewal of their spiritual connection.

 

I am angry, and I pray I that I will remember how it feels

(how does it feel? it feels betrayed, denied, wronged. it makes me feel strong, justified, vindicated. it feels like I have a right to act on my worst impulses: to strike out and hurt others. it feels like giddy permission to be deliriously self destructive.)

I pray I will remember how it feels so that when I encounter others in their anger I will be patient with the intoxication of rage and the selfishness of resentment, and rather than meet their anger with my own -- so quick to fire -- be a calm shore against which the storm can harmlessly dissipate.

 

I am envious, and I pray that I will remember how it feels

(how does it feel? it feels like 'where's mine?' and 'why not me?' and 'you don't deserve' and 'that's not fair'. it feels like keeping score and coming up short. it feels like God plays favorites and I'm not one.)

I pray I will remember how it feels so that I can be loving towards the childish side of human nature. That I will be able to dismiss it without disrespecting it. That I will be able to offer a bigger perspective, and thus pull someone up out of that slick green hole.

 

I am anxious, and I pray that I will remember how it feels

(how does it feel? it feels like I need to take ten steps in a room nine steps long. it feels like my thoughts are as agitated as bees from a fallen hive; no place to alight no way to be still.)

I pray I will remember how it feels so that when I see people tortured with anxiety I can respect their scattered, scared inability to ground themselves, and offer my own foundation as a solid place to land, even if only for a short respite.

 

I am soul weary, and I pray that I will remember how it feels

(how does it feel? it feels like I don't have the energy to explain anymore. like I don't have even the strength it takes to draw the breath to form the words to ask for help or even share with a friend who will understand.)

I pray I will remember how it feels so that when I see spiritual fatigue in others I can slow down, I can offer solace, I can quell my desire to urge them to action and accept their need to pause.

 

I am lonely, and I pray that I will remember how it feels

(how does it feel? it feels like no presents under the tree, no valentines in the box, no invite in the mail. It feels like singing to an empty hall, like being rejected except no one bothered to make the effort to reject you. it feels like being the star of a play which never opened. it feels darkly special and a little bit safe.)

I pray I will remember how it feels so that when I recognize someone slipping to the edge, fading from sight though they're in the middle of the room, I can show them I see them, acknowledge I can hear them, offer my hand so they know they're solid and here with me.

 

I am grateful and I pray that I will remember how it feels

(how does it feel? it feels like a winning lottery ticket, but softer. it feels like thick wool socks on ice cold feet. it feels like the first time I learned how to balance on a bike - some inner mechanism made a minute adjustment and suddenly I was effortlessly centered. it feels like a surprise party every time I pause and look around.)

I pray I will remember how it feels so that when I am angry and envious, anxious, weary and lonely, I am able to see those things for the sorry illusions that they are, with no real bearing on who I am, what I have, what I can do or where I'm going. I pray that I will remember how it feels so that I can try to offer genuine help when I see those things torturing others. I pray that I remember my gratitude because to lose it is as close to blasphemy as I believe I can be.

I pray that I remember my gratitude because with it I feel as close to God as I am able to understand.

 

 

 

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 There are more writings like this in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook via Amazon.

 

Here's to today

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"slow down

suspend judgment

slow down

suspend judgment"

On chaos days this is going to be my new mantra.

Well... that and "God God God Help Help Help Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou."

 

heavy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reality check.

 

Shooters: Quick shots from Meetings: Ten other people

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You get sober and immediately ten other people's lives get better."

 

 

why I need meetings #5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

reveals an action

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Quotes by Elizabeth Gilbert

 

 

 

 

 

 

You need to learn to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day.

 

 

Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.

 

 

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

 

 

I think that people who live in cultures without quite so much privilege, opportunity or grandiosity have a little bit more respect for the workings of destiny, and the limitations that people can find themselves in through no fault of their own.

 

 

Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.

 

 

 

not be squeamish

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(cough)inventory(cough)

 

RSVP my regrets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thich reminds me: Feelings aren't facts

 

 

 

 

 

Obviously, even the wettest drunk understands that emotions change.

Strangely, though, once I got sober, if you looked at my reaction to my emotions, I was like a child. I seemed to lose all sight of the reality that just because I felt bored/happy/frightened/angry/lonely right now didn't mean I would feel that way tomorrow. Or in an hour even.

It was revelatory for me to realize that, although intellectually I knew that emotions pass, the way I reacted to them seemed to be that however I felt in any given moment was how I would always feel.

It was less a conscious thought than an intensely short-sighted, emotionally-arrested, alcoholic-thinking-based reaction. Which sometimes became motivation. Decisions were made on how I felt RIGHT NOW.

(Being in the moment is one thing. Behaving as if how you feel right now is how you will always feel is another thing entirely.)

This quote by Thich Nhat Hanh was so helpful to me.

When I was new, to visualize my emotions as something like weather, to understand that there could be violent storms but if I just hung in there they really and truly would pass, was a critical building block in my One Day at a Time, "I may drink tomorrow, or even tonight, but RIGHT NOW I do not pick up the first drink" foundation.

And now, as my sobriety has progressed, this concept helps me be, rather than victimized by my emotions, instructed -- or even, occasionally, entertained.