not sorry anymore

 

 

It used to be

that if

you wrecked me

I apologized.

 

not anymore.

 

I said

"I'm sorry"

as buffer

and protection

and avoidance

and to ask permission.

 

not anymore.

 

I would offer

an apology

(I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry!)

as a kind of currency

to buy my right

to speak

or take up space

or even breathe.

To be with you or even to

just be.

So many "sorry's!"

offered like those old fashioned tickets they used to use at amusement parks to let you ride the ride.

I said "I'm sorry" because

I was afraid

you'd hurt me

before I could hurt myself

so that you wouldn't hurt me.

I would hurt myself

for you

to show you

we were on the same side.

"I don't like me that much either! See? We have so much in common! It's like we're allies!"

 

not anymore.

 

It took a while,

and some work,

(and a little Divine Intervention on occasion)

but I stopped hurting me.

And then I stopped aligning myself with

people who hurt me.

And sometimes that hurt their feelings,

so they said.

But I'm not sorry about that.

 

That ride is closed now.

Hang a sign on it:

"Closed till further notice! Not sorry!"

 

I've healed a lot.

Come a long way.

Not all the way, but a long way.

Now I may make restitution, but I don't need to buy my space on the earth by asking permission or forgiveness.

I own when I screw up

(and boy, can I ever screw stuff up sometimes).

I take responsiblity for my side of the street before cleaning it up and making it right.

But "sorry?"

 

For being here?

For being imperfect?

For falling short or failing big?

For being smart?

For being sensitive?

For being (usually) too much or (occasionally) too little?

Too big or too small?

For being not you?

For being me?

For not even always knowing who "me" is but fumbling and bumbling along, trying to figure it out?

Nope.

I'm not sorry for any of that.

 

not anymore.

 

Thank God.

 

Comments

[Annie Mouse]

Oy Vay! I needed to hear that today. I've been told my "sorry" is an invisible statement...that I say it so much it has lost meaning! Think I will meditate on this some more. Thanks so much for posting!

[Mark in Rochester.]

I felt like this was written for me too! Tks.

[John V]

Oy Vay and I'm not even Jewish. I woke up today with my face in the fear and the way I responded to all my life, knowing it cannot go on but also knowing that I have known for so long and feel almost powerless to change. Worse yet I have a beautiful 19 year old son who uses the same currency. Thank you for the lovely poem and a bit of hope today.
John V. from Huntington

[Mary Donelle Ramsay]

I have told people (as a "joke" to avoid the inevitable blow) that my name is Mary "sorry" R.
This reflection on being "sorry" as a way of living really brings back a lot. Someone else said " your whole way of being is "I'm sorry for living"
Seeing it now in print, ( this state of being,) makes me sad. But the affirmations give me hope. Maybe I can make them mine, a little st a time.