Mr. SponsorPants

Sober Texting 13

 

 

Being a holiday, my phone was less handy than usual, but I checked it semi-regularly to keep up with my extended AA family -- thus, when one sponsee texted that they were having a rough time with family and partner, I didn't see it for a short while.

Before I had a chance to respond they texted me this:

Sorry. I feel like I shouldn't have sent that. Although I'm about to have a meltdown. Sorry.

I reread what they'd written above their apology, and thought about how, for all the healing in our lives, sometimes the holidays can seriously sucker punch you. Then I told God, The Universe or The Great Whatever, "Okay, buddy, that's your cue. You're on..." and started texting. This is what I sent back:

Hey now, please never feel like you have to apologize for sharing with me how you're doing. Holidays are often supercharged, weirdly emotional, history-laden things. And apparently the recipe of our lives calls for a little salt in with the sugar. And we know in our hearts that God's in the kitchen, mixing up just the most fabulous things for us but in our heads sometimes it's hard -- especially on days like today -- to remember that. To believe that. So give yourself a hug and be gentle with yourself first, and then if there's a little gentle left to spare (and I'm sure there will be) be gentle with those around you. But mostly be gentle with yourself. Your life is so different now, you've changed so much... in so many ways the healthy things in our lives can still seem weirdly alien and uncomfortable. When we lose our spiritual equilibrium human contact can feel like a sharp slap on a sunburn. But the people that trouble us, even our own sensitivity, are gifts. Gifts you've earned. Gifts you've gown into. Loving, healthy gifts you deserve. And I promise everything will be alright. There's just going to be some patches today where you have to reach for that belief again. REMEMBER: You are loved. By God. By me. By a whole bunch of people - families both biological and spiritual. They may be clumsy in how they show it to you, but it's still true. Today will pass, and another one will roll around. You are doing great! Don't pick up the first drink and not only will everything eventually work itself out, it will work out better than we can possibly imagine. We just can't see it from where we're standing right now. Courage. I believe in you.

I know, I know, I can be a rather long winded texter on occasion. Still and all, that's what came out, and when I give God, The Universe or The Great Whatever their cue, I try not to edit too much as it comes through. Not claiming to be a channeller (though that would be So! Cool!) I just mean I trust that the sincere intent to be of service to others can sometimes gift us with the right thing to say at the right time, when needed.

Later on we had the chance to speak properly rather than text, and of course things had improved, because even though when they're bad it never feels like they will, they eventually always do. And of course -- and those of you who are regular Mr. SponsorPants readers will know this part is coming -- it wasn't just my sponsee who needed to hear that on the holiday, it was me, too.

And that, folks, is not just how, but why it works.

If things went a little south for you on the holiday: Courage.

I don't have to have met you to believe in you, since if you are following the principles of the 12 Steps to the best of your ability (even if that "best" feels a little shoddy at the moment) I know you're on the right path, and will do the right thing - and if you don't, well then by God you can clean it up and try to do better on the next pass.

Be gentle with yourself.

Courage.

Let's all just take it one day at a time, okay?

 

 

Thanksgiving: Gratitude Day (and my arm's still too short to box with God)

 

 

 

 

Mr. SponsorPants:  Well God, it's Gratitude Day.

GOD:  Yup.

Mr. SP:  And, although I know I can essentially bring anything to You, I have a question that feels kind of... well, kind of stupid.

silence for a few moments

Mr. SP:  Ummm, God?

GOD:  Yes?

Mr. SP:  Aren't you going to say something encouraging like, 'There are no stupid questions' or 'yes, you can bring everything to Me' or something like that?

GOD:  No.  I don't think so.  You know I really don't go in for responding to you when you're being passive/aggressive like that.

Mr. SP:  God!  Err, I mean the exclamation, not You, but... God!  That is so... you know, sometimes maybe I need a little encouragement.  Sometimes maybe I'm frightened and I need a little reassurance.  Needing encouragement is not being passive/aggressive you know.

GOD:  Yes, I know.  You're right.

Mr. SP:  Ha!  So there!

GOD:  Needing encouragement or reassurance is not being passive/aggressive.  Being manipulative in your statement so that you can get that encouragement... now that's passive/aggressive. 

Mr. SP:  <sigh>  How come when I start to talk with you about something else we often take these left turns?

GOD:  Because you're driving?  Just ask your question, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  Okay.  I wonder if sometimes I'm doing gratitude... wrong.

GOD:  You certainly come up with a constant stream of new and inventive ways to make yourself feel bad about yourself, Mr. SponsorPants, that's for sure.  How on earth could you do gratitude 'wrong'?

Mr. SP:  Well, sometimes I find my way into gratitude by <mumble mumble mumble>.

GOD:  What?  Speak clearly.

Mr. SP:  Sometimes I find my way into gratitude by looking at the misfortunes and challenges other people have, and I'm grateful that is not my lot -- that I do not have their problems.  That I do not suffer as they do or have to face down the things they must.  And that seems... I dunno, just... like the wrong way to go about feeling grateful for what I have.

GOD:  Ah.

silence for a few moments

Mr. SP:  That's it?  'Ah.'  All that and all you give me is 'Ah'?

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants, I have a question for you, too.  Do you feel pleasure at the misfortunes of these others that you're comparing yourself to? 

Mr. SP:  What?  Of course not.  I mean, sometimes if it's a person that has really challenged me in the past...

GOD:  One of your Great Spiritual Teachers, you mean.

Mr. SP:  Yes.  If someone's been an arrogant schmuck, and they get a little egg on their face, maybe I feel a sense of cosmic justice, but I don't actually enjoy anyone's hardships, no.

GOD:  So you just use other people's challenges, their paths, as a frame of reference for yourself, a way to see what you have.

Mr. SP:  Yes.

GOD:  Okay then.

Mr. SP:  Okay what?

GOD:  You're not asking if that's a wrong way to find gratitude, you already think it is, and you want maybe confirmation, or absolution and maybe instruction.

Mr. SP:  Do other people get a headache when they talk to You?  'cause I'm starting to get a headache.  I thought it was a simple question and...

GOD:  The question is simple.  You're the complicated part.

Mr. SP:  Is that... kind of a compliment?

GOD:  No.

Mr. SP:  oh.

GOD:  Gratitude is, indeed, seeing what you have, and what you are spared, yes.  Whether you do that via comparing yourself to others' misfortunes, or through a more positive view of whatever bounty you have doesn't really matter.  The point is more that you are training yourself to perceive your life and your circumstances differently; to see the gifts in your life for what they are.  When you don't see what you have, you're focused on what you lack -- and when you do that, you are generally in Fear, and it is then much harder for you to hear Me.

Mr. SP:  oh.  So gratitude isn't about feeling good really, it's more about being able to see and hear You a little better.

GOD:  Pretty much, yes.

Mr. SP:  And so... as long as I'm doing that, it's okay however I get there.

GOD:  Bravo, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  See, God, if you stick with me, I get it eventually.

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants, I have never, not for one single solitary moment, doubted you.  You on the other hand...

Mr. SP:  I know, I know... work in progress, God.  Work in progress.

GOD:  I know.  I know.  Happy Gratitude Day, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  You too, God.  You know, for a somewhat trite literary construct, these exchanges are very helpful and surprisingly emotional for me sometimes.

GOD:  I know that, too.

Mr. SP:  Of course you do.

 

 

 

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There are more essays like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

 

Another important holiday message.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If we really want to learn how to forgive...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mr. Lewis makes a wise observation.*

Just because I know that forgiveness of those who do wrong will help free me from resentment (and that often the jumping off point for that forgiveness is the understanding that the people who do harm are themselves spiritually sick), that knowledge does not necessarily endow me with the ability to forgive.

Sometimes, all good knowledge can do is point the way.

We must still travel the distance and discover how to apply what we have learned.

Sometimes it makes sense to start small.

 

 

 

*Hat tip to Anne Lamott for reminding me of this quote. 

 

tough job

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And in the case of alcoholics and addicts,

it's a tough job because

sometimes it requires

tough love.

 

An important holiday message.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotions run high at this time of year.

So do expectations.

I've always found it best to be gentle with others.

And to try to be gentle with myself.

Sometimes I think I know what other people think of me -- I rarely believe they think well.

Other times, under the influence (or weight) of too much holiday "cheer," people volunteer things I don't need to hear.

Regardless, one of the greatest and most centering things I take from the 12 Steps is that other people's behavior does not have to dictate my behavior.

And in that same spirit, somebody's opinion -- whether I assume I know what it is or they speak it aloud -- does not have to become my reality.

My behavior dictates my reality.

And AA gives me a map of how to behave.

One day at a time, whether it's a holiday

or any day.

 

5 Quotes on "Inside"

 

 

 

Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside of you.

-- Rumi

 

 

Nobody looks like what they really are on the inside. You don't. I don't. People are much more complicated than that. It's true of everybody.

-- Neil Gaiman

 

 

While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us.

-- Benjamin Franklin

 

 

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

We're all golden sunflowers inside.

-- Allen Ginsberg

 

 

when something goes wrong

 

 

 

 

 

This made me laugh really hard.

I am totally going to start doing this.

(it's acceptance.)

 

Questions via Email: Coping with a suicidal, blaming sibling

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

How do you cope when an alcoholic/addict sibling tries to kill themselves by taking a bottle of pain pills right in front of you, then runs away and hides in the neighborhood until the police (who you have called in complete desperation) find them and take them to the hospital. When they are stabilized they blame you for wanting to take their own life.

Sad Sibling

 

 

Dear Sad Sib,

I am sincerely sorry for the pain and drama and confusion that your sibling's addiction -- and possible other issues -- are causing you.  While I too have some dramatic siblings (boy, do I) I'm afraid that when we go back through our family history, more often than not I'm the one who was the problem.  I offer that to you as a reminder that there is both help and hope available to you and your sibling. I was a mess and now I am sober and a whole-lot-less-of-a-mess (can't quite bring myself to type "not at all a mess," since I still have my off, ism-riddled days... but I'm close!). Things seem sucky now, but profound healing and startling transformations have been achieved by thousands of people via the 12 Steps -- it is absolutely possible for your family, too.

Now, as to specifically how to cope... I'm going to throw a few ideas out there, and perhaps one or more of them will be helpful to you.

First, when it comes to your sibling "blaming you for wanting to take their own life..." No matter what the history of your relationship, no matter how confused, deluded or in pain someone is, there is nothing more self decided than to self destruct. Most addicts have a hard time taking responsibility for anything -- in fact, the bigger and more serious the issue the more vehement we are in our blame of others (unless we're playing the martyr card because we need to make it all about us in the grand, operatic way martyrdom can -- and boy, isn't that good fun at the holidays!  "Can you pass the gravy?" "Sure, but first let me share with you this emotional stigmata performance art piece I've been rehearsing.")

Addicts are, by the criteria of our own behavior, insane (that's why the 2nd Step of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about "restoring us to sanity"). Thus that's how you should view this blame game your sib is attempting. If they looked at you from their hospital bed and said, "I blame the talking teapot from Disney's animated 'Beauty and the Beast' for wanting to take my own life -- I've always hated both Angela Lansbury and ceramic tea services!" you would understand deep down that your sibling was not well, and making crazy connections as to who (what) to blame. Take the instant understanding of the craziness from that hypothetical (though admittedly the teapot and the little cup are kind of annoying) and superimpose it over their attempt to blame you, because I assure you, they are equal in their insane inaccuracy. Again, regardless of your history (your email is brief but I am assuming if their were pertinent information along those lines you would allude to it), it is alcoholic rubbish to blame rather than take responsibility for a suicide attempt.

Harsh words, yes -- and I've certainly had my share of Dark Nights of the Soul along the way, so I do have empathy for your sib, too -- but the pill bottle swallow is on them. Period.

Secondly, however, since you are dealing with a crazy person, it is crazy of you to try and reason with them, or argue, or engage in a debate about what you (and they) did or didn't do. 

Make whatever suggestions and offer whatever assistance to them feels clean for you to offer -- all the while I urge you to keep in mind that any time we shield an alcoholic from the consequences of their using then we are ultimately enabling them to continue -- but you have to sleep at night, and for most family members who deal with relations with addictions we have to try something to help -- so do what you feel you must, and then try to detach with love.

Detach with love... detach with love... now where have I heard that phrase before...

There is a whole fellowship out there (Spoiler Alert: It's Alanon) who has fantastic literature and extremely supportive meetings that detail how to cope with an alcoholic in your life.

I hope for you you'll check them out and I have no doubt you'll find insights and tools which will be of immediate use to you.

Keep the faith, and know that you are not alone in your struggle -- I'll keep you and your sib in my prayers.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

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There are more Questions and Answers like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download a Kindle reader for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

 

Shooters: Quick Shots from Meetings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Speaker at my Home Group rocked the house with this one.