Mr. SponsorPants

Happy Halloween!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New Sponsee 9: God's Will

 

SKATEBOARD PUP: But where is God in this?  God's Will, and all that stuff.

The Skateboard Pup had texted me with a 711 - which, if you're curious, means serious, please can we meet face to face soon, but it's not as urgent as a 911.  I don't have this cute little coding system with anyone else, but early on it seemed a good way for him to reach out to me and begin to self-assess how he was feeling.  Prior to this we'd never gotten higher than a 511, so I responded with alacrity.  I had actually just gotten home from coffee with a friend, so it was basically turn right around and head back out the door.  He, for his part, was already in my neighborhood.

MR. SPONSORPANTS: I'll get into that in a minute, but I have to ask, why all this sudden interest in what God's Will is for you?

SKATEPUP: Well, Girlfriend has been talking a lot about how it is God's Will for us to be happy, joyous and free, as it says in the Big Book.

MR. SP: Ah.

SKATEPUP: And the more I think about it, the more I am sort of... not confused but sort of...

MR. SP: Confused.

He laughed.

SKATEPUP: Okay, yeah. Confused.

MR. SP: People loooove, that bit about God's Will for us is to be "happy, joyous and free."

SKATEPUP: Don't you think it's true?

MR. SP: Sure, I guess.

SKATEPUP: You guess?

MR. SP: Okay, yeah. right. Sure. God's Will is for us to be happy, joyous and free. Fine. Yes.

SKATEPUP: Wow, don't sound too enthusiastic or anything. You must have a really dark Higher Power or something.

MR. SP: Sometimes, but let's not get sidetracked here. You want to know God's Will and I can tell you what it is.  It's in the Big Book, pretty plainly stated. No big mystery.

The Skatepup tilted his head and considered me for a moment, narrowing his eyes.

SKATEPUP: Is this a trick?

MR. SP: A trick? Why would this be a trick? And when have I ever tricked you?

SKATEPUP: Not... not like that it's just... too easy. Just like that, you can tell me God's Will for me.  And why do I think it isn't going to be about "happy, joyous and free."

MR. SP: Oh, it will be, I guess.  But... look, do you know Hairdo?

SKATEPUP: Hairdo? Yeah, they go to my regular Sunday night meeting.  What about it?

MR. SP: Well, using the idea -- the Big Book quote, actually -- that it is God's Will for us to be happy, joyous and free, they've been able to justify getting into and then out of two seperate relationships, with a little overlap in the middle, and some spousal collateral damage on the side.

SKATEPUP: Really? Well that's... hey, is that gossip? For you to tell me that?

MR. SP: I don't think so. I am trying to illustrate a point or two, and I shared that with you in confidence, as your sponsor, without malice, and without details as to who, what or when.  And the point I'm trying to illustrate is...?

SKATEPUP: I can cheat on Girlfriend someday if I think it's God's Will! Cool!

I sighed, and dramatically held my head in my hands for a moment, shaking it back and forth, miming consternation.

MR. SP: You are a demon imp from hell, aren't you, sent here to slowly drive me to madness and despair.

SKATEPUP: Unmasked! How am I doing on that?

MR. SP: Better than you might think. Seriously though, that answer is actually almost the point I'm trying to make.  But it's not really about infidelity, it's about... come on, we're too far down the road for you to play at not being as sharp as I know you are.

SKATEPUP: Justification.

MR. SP: Yes. Obviously from the Crusades on up, deciding that God said it was okay is how people give themselves permission to do what they know is wrong but they want to do anyway.  But any thinking person can connect those dots.  What I want you to think about is how alcoholics, already ninjas at self deception and self justification, can use that quote in particular from the Big Book to cosign all kinds of bullshit.

And perhaps, though I don't want to accuse her of laying any groundwork or anything, that's what Girlfriend is about with this whole thing too -- but getting into what she had or hadn't said and why suddenly she was involved in this being such a burning topic for the Skatepup wasn't going to help me land the main point here, so I filed all that away for later consideration.

SKATEPUP: So... it's not God's will for me to be happy, joyous and free? Bummer.

MR. SP: Of course it is, although that's the result of doing God's Will, not the... the...

SKATEPUP: Process?

MR. SP: Process! Yes! Thank you!

SKATEPUP: So then what is the answer? The process? The simple thing. Enlighten me please, if you know what God's Will is for me.

MR. SP: It says it quite clearly in the Big Book -- and in lots of places outside of AA, actually, depending on your flavor of philosophy  -- in fact, after I tell you I want you to look it up and read the context please.

When we talked about the Big Book I usually suggested that after he got home the Skatepup look up what I had referenced and read it for himself. 

SKATEPUP: You know all your little "look this up" stuff isn't like flipping through the book like a big study exercise, right?

MR. SP: It's not?

I was caught out and my face betrayed me. That is exactly what I pictured, and thought I was being clever and getting the Skatepup some extra exposure to the Big Book as he flipped pages looking.  He laughed -- not unkindly -- at my expression.

SKATEPUP: No. I have the searchable Big Book app on my phone and I just plug whatever you said into it and find it in like, two seconds.

Color me chagrined, and a product of my era, sometimes. 

MR. SP: Ah, of course. Well, then, Elroy, I leave you to a future of quick and sterile digital access, devoid of the simple pleasures of flipping pages.

SKATEPUP: Said the man who published an eBook.

MR. SP: Oh, my poor aged, addled head. You continue to get the best of me, you wretched brat.

SKATEPUP: And maybe that's God's Will too! So anyway, what is this thing I'm going to look up and take two seconds to find, that tells me simply and clearly what God's Will is for me?

MR. SP: God's Will is for you to fit yourself to be of maximum service to God and the people about you. Period. Full stop. That's it. No big mystery.

SKATEPUP: Then why do people share sometimes about trying to figure out...?

MR. SP: I've been there. It's easy to spin yourself around with this.  There's a reason "Keep It Simple" is a slogan, after all.

SKATEPUP: So...

MR. SP: So... if you want to be a Lexus Dealer, go for it, be a Lexus Dealer, and work to be of maximum service to God and those about you as you are dealing out all your Lexuses. Lexi? Whatever. If you want to be a Hot Dog Vendor, vend those dogs, and work to be of maximum service to those about you. Go on a vacation? Change jobs? Move to Bora Bora or Baltimore... go ahead, go for it, just...

SKATEPUP: Fit max service. Thank you, I get it I get it.

MR. SP: Told you it was simple. And if you do that, then you will be happy, joyous and free.

SKATEPUP: Oh. I thought it would be more...

MR. SP: Mysterious? Complicated? Byzantine? Arcane?

He laughed.

SKATEPUP: Holy shit, you love the words, don't you.  But yeah, something like that.

MR. SP: Well, feel free to make it as difficult as you like.  For me, now, today, my personal belief system is not that we are on a cosmic game show with a lot of special cash and prizes for guessing correctly whatever is on God's Mind about where we should go and what we should try to be.  We can try anything, but if we want to stay sober, then whatever we do we try to fit ourselves...

SKATEPUP: ... to be of maximum service... okay.  That's... that's not exactly what I expected from this.

I shrugged.

MR. SP: I understand. But... sorry, kid. After more than two decades of wrestling this question to the ground myself, that's all I got.

We chatted a bit more, him filling me in on meetings and service without any prompting on my part, which made me glad down to my toes.  Girlfriend not withstanding, today it felt like the Skatepup was settling comfortably into the middle of the lifeboat. I felt good for him and grateful for the privelege to... you knew I had to say it once more time, right? ... be of maximum service to God and to the people around me.

Because sometimes, some of the people around you stumble into the middle of your life, and leave you forever changed for the better.

Clearly, the Skateboard Pup was doing that for me.

 

 _________________________________________________________________

 

There are more stories like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download a Kindle reader for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

 

why I need meetings #6

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

because I need to say it

 

 

 

 

 

When it gets really bad but you still have to go out and face the world

When it gets really bad but you still have to go out into the world, remember:

Deep breaths.
Shoulders back.
Head high.

You are sober today
and you are a god damn miracle.

one minute

 

 

 

 

 

A good idea whether I'm standing on the lip of a canyon or not, most days.

 

Meditation does not have to be some great long production -- a lengthy, disciplined practice will absolutely and without question dramatically change your life -- but learning/remembering to simply take one full minute in the midst of the day to just breathe, be still and see is guaranteed to help you keep your balance.

Which of course is also a good idea when you're standing on the lip of a canyon.

 

 

Questions via Email: I spray Windex on my food

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm writing to you because I don't want to talk to anyone in my meetings about this. I told myself I would do what you said if you answer this. I really like what you say about AA.

I am [close to five years] sober in AA. I like meetings, my sponsor, everything. I did the steps with my first sponsor and now I am on my second but we are not going through the steps right now. I have 2 service commitments and I go to 4 meetings a week.

Mostly I drank but sometimes I did other drugs too. I have no problem admitting I am an alcoholic.  But I have a problem admitting I am anything else.  I've always been a big eater. I like my comfort food on the sofa watching TV.  I also have a really big sweet tooth, so comfort food can be pizza or it can be candy. Or ice cream. How much I eat has slowly gotten bigger since I stopped drinking, and so I am slowly getting bigger too. Or maybe not so slowly. 

On and off all my life I have dieted. Mostly whatever diet book is in. Now I am trying to cut back on how much I eat like half way through I will stop and throw the rest in the trash.  But then later I will go back and get it out. I know that is gross and that is partly why I do not want to talk to anyone I see about this.  So now after I throw it in the trash I spray Windex on it so I can't go back and get it. But the other night I saw my face in the kitchen window after I sprayed Windex on half a pizza and I just thought that this is not right. This is no way to live.

BUT I cannot even begin to think about going to another 12 Step Program. It feels overwhelming and too much.  But I also am starting to hate myself (I already hate the way I look and I don't have anything I can wear anymore and I am staying home more because of it).  I guess I am a food addict but what I want to do is just use my AA on my food and deal with it on my own.

What do you think?

Thank you anything you can say would help.

Sincerely,

Windex Is For Windows

 

 

Dear WIFW,

You'll do what I say? Really?

Okay, then this is what I want you to do:

Get up from the computer (or put down the phone, or however you're reading this) and go to the bathroom mirror and look yourself in the eye and just say "I love you. I forgive you. I love you. I forgive you." Slowly for three minutes (I went easy on you right there. I originally typed five). Really look yourself in the eye and really say it out loud. Maybe put one hand on your face and give yourself a loving pat, too.  Then come back here and we'll go on.

 

Done? Okay.

If you really did it I suspect that maybe first you felt silly and then you felt irritated and then you started to feel... something else. While we talk a lot about an alcoholic's problem regarding self loathing is far more the "self" part than the "loathing" part, I don't think that means we can't (or shouldn't) address that inward-facing toxicity, too.

Your email is very moving -- your struggle and frustration come through clearly -- and I want to offer some thoughts which I hope will be helpful, but we've concluded with the "what I think you should do" part of the blog today.  All I want to do, in an effort to help you find some insights and willingness on your own, is offer you some things to chew on.

(Too soon? Poor taste? Sorry, sorry -- I thought we needed some salt to balance the sugar.)

WIFW, let me ask you to consider something. 

Do you think you could have gotten sober by going to Gambler's Anonymous?

I mean, it's the same 12 Steps and all, right?  Addiction is addiction and you just swap out that one word in Step 1 and it's all the same thing, right? 

But you and I both know that probably wouldn't have worked when you were brand new. Part of how meetings save lives, and the miracle of recovery is transferred from one to another, is through the process of identification.  So, rather than looking at going to an OA meeting as one more thing -- and yes, you knew that's where this was going when you sat down to write me, right? -- try to look at it as a place where you may find, through identification, some people who understand intimately how you feel and have walked through what is happening to you. There is such comfort in that experience -- you know that from what happened to you in AA -- that I urge you to consider going to a meeting or two. Whether or not you fully identify, you may hear something(s) which will help. The 12 Steps are the same, but sometimes the specific tools can be different. (Just like if one person is missing a foot and the other a hand, they are both amputees but they each need to become fluent in using different tools and develop different habits and skills to navigate their day. A food addict and a drug addict are both addicts, and the 12 Steps can help them both, but they will face different triggers and challenges along the way.)

Addiction, whatever its stripe, wants to get us alone. It is a disease which makes you believe that it is safer, more comfortable, more fun, to say "no" to life rather than say yes.  But right now -- RIGHT NOW -- in your life, every single night you isolate with the food -- you are experiencing what a lie addictive thinking truly is, because, dear WIFW, I'm sorry but the email you sent me was not written by a happy person.

Now, it's very likely that your involvement in AA (and good for you and congrats on your sobriety, btw!) brings some comfort and healing, but that is addressing the symptom of the other issue you are going through, not the problem.  And once again, we know first hand from our sobriety that ultimately that won't work. Can you "use your AA on it?" Well, sure, you can try I guess. But you're already active in AA, and you still find yourself standing in your kitchen, in probably old sweats or a bathrobe, not feeling so good about yourself and reaching for the window cleaner.  Ask yourself, truly what, exactly, is "using your AA on this" going to look like?  I am sorry, WIFW but I smell an evasion.

You know you don't have to admit anything, or tell anyone anything, or eat anything different or shop for groceries different(ly) to go to a meeting.  Just go.  If you want to say "I'm visiting" when or if you are asked to identify, that's fine. You know the 12 Step world now, you know people will want to make you feel welcome (and may sometimes be enthusiastic in that regard) but you're safe there, and no one can make you do or say anything.  You're not making a commitment to add another five 12 Step meetings to your week, you're just going to a meeting.  Go, and listen and see how you feel. Grab a brochure or two.  Google OA and poke around the site. (Okay fine HERE, okay?)

As the old addage goes, take what you like and leave the rest. Treat it like a buffet, if you will. (oh my God I can't stop!)

WIFW, you know I am only silly sometimes because one thing that happens when we isolate is that we take ourselves very seriously.  Our disease is serious, yes, but our recovery need not be all widows weeds and ashes.  You've been sober for [close to five years]!  You are a living, breathing miracle! Checking out another 12 Step Program won't be overwhelming, it will be a piece of cake!

(Okay, that was the last one. I swear.)

But lean in, because I'm going to whisper something very important right now.  And I am going to whisper it not because it's a secret, but because it's important you remember it:

The trick, when you have been sober in AA for a while, and you go to another 12 Step Program, is to not just work on your willingness, but on your humility as well. You aren't some Inspector General, sent from AAHQ to see how they do recovery in the hinterlands. Dont' hide behind your time in AA. Don't hide behind the lingo you know. If you go, and if you identify, and if you decide to do the deal and heal this addiction (since, dear WIFW, while I don't know you and I do not like to "diagnose" over the internet, what you describe does sound a teensy little bit like addictive behavior) don't just give yourself permission to be a newcomer - actually BE a newcomer.  Or, to put it more succinctly: 12 Step credits do not transfer.

Finally, if I was right, and after feeling silly and irritated you felt... something else... when you were looking in the mirror and giving yourself love and forgiveness, then maybe you should lean into that and incorporate some real, regular, demonstrative (in that you say them out loud) affirmations into your life.  While affirmations are a potent psychological and spiritual tool, I find that many of us secretly look down on them as more suited to the Stuart Smalley's of the world; vapid, slightly insipid and a little sad.  My experience is that if you do them as a routine you can engender a sincere and profound healing over time.  (And while, strictly speaking, affirmations are not exactly an AA thing, per se, I will be happy to, in some other essay, postulate a brief but elegant theorem demonstrating that affirmations are a type of formal meditation, and we can slide them in under that heading to comfort the dogmatic, difficult or purists among us.)

But if you do go to OA, and you work a program and celebrate a year anniversary, don't get too excited about having some birthday cake when you pick up your chip.

All they give you is a pineapple.

Seriously.

But from those who have struggled and made it, the reports are that it was one of the most satisfying meals they ever had. In fact one dear friend in particular, who had a very hard path with much relapse, but who eventually achieved (one day at a time) a year of abstinence, reported that tears and pineapple juice mix just fine running down your chin.

Good luck, my prayers are with you, and please let me know how it goes.

You are worth saving, and you deserve a joyful life.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 _________________________________________________________________

 

There are more Questions and Answers like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download a Kindle reader for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

why I need meetings #33

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Quotes by Marianne Williamson

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present.

 

 

The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive.

 

 

Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it.  And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.

 

 

Nothing liberates our greatness like the desire to help, the desire to serve.

 

 

Joy has no cost.

 

 

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series: Be kind.

 

 

 Every act of kindness

grows the spirit and

strengthens the soul.

 

If it is true,

as AA suggests,

that people, once they are sober, drink again because they fail to enlarge their spiritual life,

then being kind is not merely a lofty human goal;

to the alcoholic in recovery it is

eventually,

ultimately,

a necessity.

 

But it is easy to think that some internal shift is required before one can begin to be kind -- some kind of inner transformation as the catalyst to a change in how one treats others.

In my experience this is far from the truth.

One does not need to be suffused with love for their fellow man or be motivated purely by altruism, to be kind.

 

One just needs to be kind.

The rest will take care of itself.