Mr. SponsorPants

An invitation to my future scars

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scars -- as many before me have wisely and sometimes poetically observed  -- are less a disfigurement than they are, when one thinks clearly about them, symbols of survival.

And, as is obvious to anyone who has seen real struggle in life (and certainly alcoholics, addicts and their families qualify) there are so many kinds of scars because there are so many kinds of wounds.

But when it comes to struggle AA has given me a lot of perspective over time.  It has given me the body of sober experience to see that, if I can stay sober for 24 hours I can handle anything for 24 hours. 

It has given me tools to determine whether pain is needless suffering, brought about by my own fears and ego, or if it is a healthy and inevitable part of life's rough passages.

AA has helped me develop a personal connection to a Higher Power -- as giddy and silly as that can sound out of context sometimes -- which leaves me with a sense of trust and acceptance.

So those difficult, painful and rough patches in life?  Those things which will wound a loving heart, bruise a sometimes-still-touchy ego and leave their marks as my other foolish mistakes and passages have before?

Bring 'em.

They won't be easy, but I don't fear them as I used to.

I welcome my future scars.  They're continuing proof of my ongoing growth.

And survival.

That's no small thing when you live with addiction.

Surviving.

 

 

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There are more essays like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

the foundation of courage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(a little faith helps, too.)

 

 

It's not the imaginary

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's not the imaginary friends which are really a problem for an alcoholic.

(I mean, we're all a little mad, aren't we?)

It's the imaginary enemies we need to worry about.

 

 

5 Quotes by Mother Teresa

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

 

 

God doesn't require us to succeed; He only requires that you try.

 

 

I alone cannot change the world.  But I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.

 

 

If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.

 

 

Let no one every come to you without leaving better and happier.  Be the living expression of God's kindness:  Kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.

 

 

Special Bonus Quote:

I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things.

 

 

 

 

 

a minute a day. at least.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yesterday I was clever -- Rumi

 

 

 

 

 

 God, grant me...

 

requires a lot of courage

 

 

 

 

 

 

The courage to let go of our instinctive need to protect ourselves from getting hurt again (even though forgiveness does not require us to always remain in the same relation to the forgiven).

The courage to risk looking weak or stupid to others.  (Or worse, to yourself, late at night when we toss and turn and the pillow is hot against your cheek and the old habit of hating and doubting yourself begins to creep in.)

The courage to believe that there is something worth forgiving in even the worst of us.

The courage to take the philosophy of compassion and not just speak it but live it.

And the courage to let go of the old, negative, victim-based identity and embrace a new, strong, drama-free (or at least drama reduced!) serene one.

That's a lot of courage.

But you can do it.

Because you deserve that better life,

that healthier mind,

that happier spirit.

 

 

like flat tires

 

 

 

 

Attitudes are like flat tires.

                 You won't get far if you don't change them.

                                                                                   -- Unknown

 

 

I can read a quote like that and it can both inspire a firm nod of agreement yet also (greatly) annoy me.  It is a good truth and it is also a terrible oversimplification.  Regardless of where that sentiment lands on my reaction spectrum, sometimes changing my attitude is important. 

Sometimes changing my attitude is crucial.

What helps is to remember that black-and-white thinking can be a subtle thing.

When it comes to changing my attitude I don't have to instantly snap from despair to elation, or swing breezily from stubborn defiance to effortless willingness -- and to (unconsciously?) expect that's how it happens is a prime example of that subtle, unrealistic, limited this-or-that mind set.

In fact the key to having an open mind is to begin with the word "maybe." (And dear God, that was an important thing to learn.) 

Perhaps the key to changing an attitude is somewhat the same.

Certainly there is much to be said for "acting as if" I have a different attitude -- I can often behave my way into different thinking/feeling very effectively.

But sometimes that core of defiance can be so, so intractable.  Sometimes, although I know I need to change my attitude, I don't really want to.  I'd rather wallow and, rather than curse the darkness, curse the light.

When that's where I find myself, I need to come back to maybe -- although in this case it's "maybe if I pray about my shitty attitude, even though I actually don't want it to work, it will work a little bit.  Enough to get me into forward motion."  Because the truth is, the solution to an attitude problem -- as is the solution to all my problems, ultimately -- is a spiritual one.  Asking The Universe for a little shift inside, and then trying a little bit of contrary action.

Stay out of black-and-white "If I don't instantly feel completely different right away then this probably won't work at all" expectations and instead ask God to help you believe "Well, maybe this won't COMPLETELY suck." 

Sometimes that mildly snarky stance is actually forward motion.

And some days, any forward motion is a win.

 

fall seven times

 

 

 

 

 

 

But while you're lying there, it's okay to ask for help standing back up.

In fact, that might be something to consider:

Maybe you keep falling down because you aren't asking for help standing up?

Regardless, that's the point of AA, really.

We come together to help each other stand back up.

Without judgement.

As many times as it takes.

 

is the point

 

 

 

 

I just need to remember,

Finding God is not the point.

Seeking God is the point.

 

With that said, however,

it's also good to remember that God's not missing.

I already have a relationship with God.

(or, if you prefer to put it this way, as I sometimes do, a connection to a Higher Power -- except that sometimes I wince at the phrase Higher Power, too, much as I am prone to use it.)

And if you think you don't have a relationship with God, then that's your relationship with God.  It's like an old fashioned radio.  Just because you haven't turned it on and tuned it in doesn't mean that the music isn't there.  It's still travelling through the airwaves, waiting for you to hear it.

 

"I found God through worrying that I couldn't find God." said no one ever.

Relax. 

There's a reason they call it "God's time."