Mr. SponsorPants

How The Skateboard Pup became my New Sponsee

 

 

Little Trees:  So, I gather you have a new sponsee.

Little Trees and I were having coffee.  Well, I was having coffee, they're a hot chocolate devotee.  I've sponsored them for a good number of years now, and we have an easy rapport;  I am as candid with them about my process and personal challenges as I am with any peer or long-time sober friend.

Mr. SponsorPants:  Yes, it seems I do.

LT:  I thought your dance card was full.

Mr. SP:  So did I.  But this one sort of ... materialized on my doorstep.

LT:  What the hell does that mean?

Mr. SP:  Well, they were waiting for me outside of work.  You know how you can see right in the restaurant, the whole front is open and all.  One day, a couple of weeks ago, I was taking a break and I noticed this scruffy skateboarder type watching me eat my lunch on the patio.  I didn't think much of it at the time.  But then, when I left work, there they were again. 

LT:  Did you think, "stalker" or "mugger?"

I laughed

Mr. SP:  Dear God no.  Neither.  They're about as intimidating as a pound puppy. 

LT:  Did you recognize them at all?

Mr. SP:  Nope.  But they sort of skateboarded over and asked if I was a friend of AA.  I had to gently suggest that maybe they meant to say "A friend of Bill." 

LT:  Homeless?  Crazy? 

Mr. SP:  I can't decide.  But they told me they'd seen me at meetings, and heard me share a couple times, and wanted to know about being sponsored.

LT:  They saw you but you never saw them?  Seriously?

Mr. SP:  You know some of those big meetings.  The Monday night -- or Sunday morning, if they were in the back.

LT:  True enough.  And you said yes?  Just like that?

Mr. SP:  They said that they're not much for prayer, but they asked God to help them find a sponsor and then later that same day they dediced sobriety was bullshit and were skateboarding over to their dealer and... there I was, eating my lunch.

LT:  You're the answer to their prayer.

Little Trees laughs.

Mr. SP:  Please, I know how it sounds, and I'm uncomfortable enough with it as it is.  Not to mention it's such a pat thing to say, they could just be feeding me a line.  Even with that bit I might have tried to suggest that maybe they needed to find someone more free, more available but... they said The Thing.

LT:  The Thing?

Mr. SP:  Yeah.  The one thing someone can say which I pretty much can't refuse.  I know that sounds melodramatic or something, but ....

I shrugged.

LT:  You're right.

Mr. SP:  What?

LT:  It does sound melodramatic.  What's The Thing?

I told them.

LT:  Oh.   

Little Trees stared out the window and sipped their hot chocolate for a minute

LT:  Yep.  That would do it.

Mr. SP:  I mean, in the face of that, I just can't come back with, 'Gosh, I feel like my dance card is full.'  And it's not like I've heard it put that way very often.  Quite seldom, in fact.  Maybe three, four times over the course of my whole sobriety.

LT:  So how's it working with them?

Mr. SP:  Different.  They put me in mind a little bit of someone I sponsored a long time ago, in another city.  Not that they're similar people, just how they seem to have come to me is all.

LT:  You get together every week?

Mr. SP:  They just drop by work, and wait for me.  When I have time I come out and tell them if I can talk or not.  They will wait as long as it takes.  No one really notices them, it's not like they've got their nose pressed against the glass.  They just hang out.  Skateboard around some.  You know there's a bunch of people around there.

LT:  Yeah.  Do they call you?  I mean, they have a phone, right?

Mr. SP:  Yeah.  They call pretty often, actually.

LT:  Well, keep me posted.  I'm intrigued.  I guess your HP wanted you on special assignment.

Mr. SP:  Intrigued?  That makes two of us.  And as for HP... well, I suppose I've run out of "Why's?" and am pretty comfortably living in a place of "Really? Okay.  You're the boss."

LT:  You've run out of "Why's?"  Really.

Mr. SP:  Oh, don't worry.  I'm sure it's only temporary.  I'll get more.

LT [muttering into their mug of hot chocolate]:  I've no doubt.

Mr. SP:  What's that?

LT:  We'll find out.  I said, 'We'll find out.'  About your new sponsee I mean.

Mr. SP:  I'm on to you, you know.

LT:  Shhh. You're an answer to a prayer.  Try to act dignified.

Mr. SP:  I'll dignify you if you keep on with that.

LT:  Dignity, please.  Dignity.  You're the example.

Mr. SP:  I give up.

LT:  Surrender!  That's the spirit!

 

 

 

 _________________________________________________________________

 

There are more stories like this one in "Mr. SponsorPants: Adventures in Sobriety and The 12 Steps for AA's and Others."  Available as an eBook on Kindle via Amazon.  Download the Kindle reader app for free on any device or platform, from PC to Smartphone, and enjoy eBooks anywhere you have time to read.

 

5 Quotes on Optimism

 

 

 

 

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

-- Helen Keller

 

Optimism is the foundation of courage.

-- Nicholas M. Butler

 

Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.

-- Dalai Lama XIV

 

Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.

-- Noam Chomsky

 

If you're not able to be optimistic at least some of the time, then I'm afraid ultimately you're kind of boring.  Nothing is as dull as the self-involved lazy defeatism of the addict.

-- Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

first to help you up

 

 

 

 

In my experience, AA meetings are full of people like that.

how far you are already

 

 

 

 

 

Even if it's just one day -- for the road some of us travel, that is a true journey.

Count it, keep it and build upon it.

conversations with a New Sponsee

 

 

New Sponsee:  I... I don't think I want to go to meetings anymore.

Mr. SponsorPants:  Really?

New Sponsee:  Yeah.  I just... I'm sorry,  I am just not getting anything out of them.

Mr. SponsorPants:  Really?

NS:  Yeah.

Mr. SP:  Ok.

NS:  Ok what?

Mr. SP:  Ok don't go to meetings anymore.

NS:  What?

Mr. SP:  What what? Did I mumble?  You said you aren't getting anything out of meetings anymore and that you didn't want to go.  So don't go then.

NS:  That's it?

Mr. SP:  Well, is there anything I could say that would change your mind?  I'm not selling anything.  You know that.  You don't want to go, then don't go.

NS:  Ok. It's just that... I thought a sponsor would, you know, try and talk me into it or something.

Mr. SP:  Oooh. Well there's your mistake.

NS:  What?

Mr. SP:  I'm not a good sponsor.  You should find a good one and they can talk you into going to meetings.

NS:  Are you making fun of me?

Mr. SP:  Not really.  I'm kinda tired so my make-fun-of tank is pretty much on "E."  We done here?

NS:  We done here?!?

Mr. SP:  Yeah. Are we done here?  I mean, let's recap:  You aren't getting anything out of meetings so you don't want to go, but you think a good sponsor could talk you into going so ... you might go get a good sponsor, but you'll probably just stop going to AA and that will be that.

NS: But... you... I... this is bullshit!

Mr. SP:  Yeah, maybe.  But the real bad news is that I don't even think a good sponsor can help you.

NS: What?  Why the hell... what the hell do you mean?

Mr. SP:  Well, somewhere in the literature, I'm pretty sure it's in the 12&12 but it might be in The Big Book (see, now if I were a good sponsor I'd know which one) it says that the one thing we have to develop on our own is the quality of willingness.

NS:  I don't follow you.  What does that have to do with you not telling me I should go to meetings or getting another sponsor or whatever?

Mr. SP:  Well, you want someone to talk you into being willing.  I've never seen that work.  I'm a bad sponsor, yes, but over the years I've been a very popular sponsor -- probably because I'm  so bad.  I've sponsored lots of people.  Doesn't really matter if they get drunk, I sponsor people so I don't get drunk.  So, it's always kind of worked out okay for me, the sponsorship thing.  But in all the years I've never seen that talk-you-into-it work,  Not really.  You want a sponsor to give you willingness but... that just doesn't work.  You have to get it yourself.

NS:  How can I do that when I don't even... I don't even want to do this shit!

Mr. SP:  I dunno. Is there anything a good sponsor could tell you that you think would help you become willing to go to meetings?

NS:  I don't know. Stuff about my drinking I guess.

Mr. SP:  Like what?

NS:  Oh, I see what you're doing.

Mr. SP:  You do?

NS:  Yeah, you're trying to get me to come up with a solution for my not wanting to go to meetings.

Mr. SP:  I am?  Holy shit! That's brilliant!

NS:  Yeah. And then once I come up with something you'll tell me to try it or go do it or something.

Mr. SP:  Really?  Oh.  Would that work?

NS:  I thought you were nice but you're kind of a sarcastic asshole.

Mr. SP:  Well hell.  Unmasked at last.  So, anyway, listen, I'm beat, it was a really long day, I'm going to crash, ok?

NS:  That's really it? 

Mr. SP:  I guess.  I really need to get to sleep.  I have a wicked early day tomorrow. 

NS:  So, are you really telling me to get another sponsor?

Mr. SP:  I don't know, I don't seem to be doing a very good job.  I've only been sponsoring you for [a short time] and you're already giving up on meetings.

NS:  Well... I didn't say "giving up."  I just said I didn't want to go and that they didn't seem to be helping.

Mr. SP:  Oh.  I'm confused.  Are you drunk?

NS:  What?  No!

Mr. SP:  Then how can you say they're not helping?  Look, I really, really have to go to bed.  I have to be to work at 5am tomorrow.

NS:  5am?  What the hell do you have to do at a restaurant at 5am?

Mr. SP:  Inventory.

NS:  Inventory?

Mr. SP:  Yeah, and if you were sober longer you'd see a fantastic opportunity for a joke right there, but I think today it's gonna get by you.  So anyway, I'm turning in.

NS:  So, you're not telling me I have to get another sponsor?

Mr. SP:  Is this connection bad?  I'm telling you I want to go to bed.

NS:  I guess I can see how meetings are helping maybe.

Mr. SP:  Really?  Then why would you stop going?

NS:  I don't know.  I kinda just don't want to anymore.

Mr. SP:  Oooh. So, you want to not do what you don't want to do, and you only want to do what you want to do.

NS:  I didn't say that.

Mr. SP:  Sounded kind of like it, but maybe this really is a bad connection.

NS:  Ok, maybe that's kind of what that means.

Mr. SP: And, that's pretty much how you've always lived, yes?

NS:  I guess.

Mr. SP:  And... by doing just and only what you want to do your life is great, right?  All the stuff you told me all the [bad stuff that happened -- really bad] was just a story you told me for kicks.

NS:  No! I mean... wow. Fuck you, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  So, rather than try something different and do what you don't want to do you're going to...

NS:  Ok! Ok!  I get it!  I get it!  Fine!  I'll keep going to fucking meetings for a while more!

Mr. SP: Charming.  Kid, you have used up your quota of talking shit to me.  I'm going to bed.  Actually, you've used up your quota for today, tomorrow, and the next ten times I see you.  You want to call someone and talk shit to them call your mother.  She'll take it because she doesn't know any better.  Yet.  Goodnight.

NS:  Wait!  Are you still my sponsor?

Mr. SP:  I really think you need a good sponsor, but till you find one, ok. For now I guess.

NS: [mumble]

Mr. SP:  What"

NS: SoIguessI'llgotomeetingsandthanksandgoodnight.

[click]

 

 

 

 

Trite but true: Never too late

 

 

 

 

For me, this goes from "Platitude" to "Plan" via Alcoholics Anonymous.

5 Quotes on Hope

 

 

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

~Author Unknown

 

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. 

~Emily Dickinson

 

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. 

~Anne Lamott

 

When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you're slamming the door in the face of God.

   ~Charles L. Allen

 

Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier.

~Author Unknown

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

 

 

 

AA does not suggest I am kind to the unkind, or honest to people who lie to me, or any variation of "practicing these principles in all our affairs" so that I am a good person, or for any inherently moral reason.  AA makes that suggestion because when I am not soaking my brain in consciousness numbing chemicals I cannot live comfortably in my skin when I indulge in sick or fear-based behaviors.  To put it more simply, my head gets really noisy when I lie and act like an ass to people, even when they (seem to) deserve it.  And then putting energy into not having a noisy head by saying to myself "I don't care" when in fact, I do (and if I didn't I wouldn't have to spend energy convincing myself that I don't) -- is stupid and exhausting and ultimately is harder to live with than just working at being kind and honest to begin with.

 

There is simply no substitute for the "unshakable foundation" that writing, prayer and meditation provide.

 

 

Time sober is not a tool for remaining sober.  The best analogy for that is the realization that I can't build muscle today on last month's weight lifting.  Working out diligently over time will change your body, yes.  But if you stop working out then the results of all you did in the past will likely, eventually fade.  The same is true of the spiritual transformation engendered by maintaining physical sobriety and working the 12 Steps.  The quality of my recovery today is based on what I do today.  Not on what I did last month or twenty years ago.

 

 

For many of us, we instantly believe whatever negative thing anyone says about us is true.

And for many of us, no one says anything half as mean or negative to us as we do to ourselves.

 

 

I cannot think or feel my way into healthy actions.  It is by taking healthy actions that I change for the better how I think and feel.  And so it follows, to develop self esteem one must do self esteeming things.  Ironically, most alcoholics at first believe this means we need to be nicer to ourselves.  The great cosmic punch line is that what it actually means is that we need to be nicer to others.

 

 

I'm pretty good at this, actually... but regular reminders really do help.

 

 

 

 

 

deep

 

 

 

 

 

I want to "yes, but..." this

except I suspect

it is even more true than I currently am able to understand and/or believe.

 

 

In sobriety I find that (for me)

I must be open to this kind of philosophy

if I am to have a living faith in the transformative power of both a higher power and myself.

 

Right sized, and in balance, I need each of those to face the day

and especially

some nights.