via Email: you've got to be kidding me

 

Mr. SponsorPants,

I have issues with AA and its philosophy as it stands now.  Nothing unique, same issues that people who have issues with AA have.  But I've always had a deep respect for the teaching of Dr. Bob, Bill W, Joe Hawk, etc.  To me they taught the 'real' AA and not the tweeked version seen at most AA meetings these days.  They taught the program, not the human interpretation bs and I was lucky enough to learn the program from someone who is an old-timer, if you will.

There are many recovery related blogs who claim to be 12 step but are so far from the real 12 step essence that I've read only a few posts and moved on until I found Mr. SponsorPants.  You were the voice of reason to me.  My immediate response to your posts was one of understanding and gratitude that you seemed to speak my language.

And then you vanished.  Not a word.  Gone.  I thought the worst.

Then the worst thing happened.  My [sibling], a single parent, a loving member of our family passed away unexpectedly.  I replay, in my head, all the things they are missing, or have missed, since dieing.

I'm just now emerging from the fog and yesterday again, I thought of you and if perhaps something tragic had happened to you and if your family is feeling the same way I feel.  So I checked Mr. SponsorPants and viola, there you are...

I was happy to see you back until I found your first post, post disappearance.  I can't tell you the anger I felt and still do.  Are you kidding me?  My bullshit detector is still in overdrive.  You wrote everyday without fail and if you missed a day you'd post remotely or give an explanation.  You answered emails promptly and then nothing and your reason is you just didn't check.  I don't believe you and what is more disturbing is all the AA enablers commenting without once saying, BULLSHIT.

Your reasons are you reasons Mr. SP.  It's none of anyone's business why you did what you did and explained it away the way you did but know this, I can no longer read your posts (cause I've tried) with the same respect and sense of understanding that I used to.  I really thought you were better than all that.  What a shame...

C.

 

Dear C.

I'm very sorry for your family's loss.  In a life full of hard things and a world full of frightening headlines the unexpected death of a close family member -- one who leaves behind children -- especially a single parent... is true tragedy and something that forever changes the people involved.

There have been a few emails which have come my way that expressed similar anger and disappointment over my unannounced blogging absence.  The reason that I have printed yours here (with, as always, any identifying details edited or blurred to the best of my ability) is the same reason I print any email, ultimately:  To serve as the starting point in a discussion of solutions to things many of us face as we get and stay sober -- and to offer whatever I can from my experience which might help.

And, in much of what you say, you are right.  It was self involved and lazy and careless of me.  Whether it's the mark of being an alcoholic (which smacks of both accurate explanation and rather slick excuse) or just the kind of man I can be, this is definitely not the first time in my life where I have been casual in my regard for others and caused people hurt -- and though I'd hope it will be the last I fear that is an unlikely thing.  As I said before, would that I had a more dramatic reason than the feeble truth I must own.  I can say that within me my ego and my self-esteem see-saw sickeningly back and forth around this.  Although I've experienced powerful and humbling feedback while writing this blog in both the comments section and in emails -- feedback which I have been moved and incredibly grateful for -- it honest-to-god did not occur to me, as I ran out of momentum and then procrastinated about putting fingers to keyboard again, that my absence would be hurtful to anyone in the way some people have expressed that it has.

Certainly as an alcoholic people-pleaser who, when he got sober, was able to view having low self esteem as progress from having no self esteem, the idea that anyone, anywhere, is upset with me can push some buttons.  The inward-darkness:  Guilt (I did something bad. Again.)  Shame. (Thus I am a bad and permanently damaged person.)  And the outward, lashing-out darkness:  Defensiveness:  (It's you not me!)  and Anger: (Fuck you!) All of which is deeply disingenuous and none of which serves us or is true.

I am inching slowly towards something grandiose and egotistical with each paragraph and that's not why I posted your email. 

Among my sponsors over the years I have had two who, while they were clean and sober, struggled mightily with sexual addiction, sometimes succumbing to that aspect of the ism and creating terrible collateral damage in their lives and the lives of their families and partners.  I have also had two sponsors who were afflicted with terrible eating disorders and damaged their health from that disease well into their sobriety, and who, while acting out in that regard were able to give me some good guidance in working the 12 Steps but were not completely reliable or honest about some things as they struggled.  I myself, as I wrote... oh, somewhere in here... "borrowed" from not one but TWO AA treasuries in my sobriety.  (Amends have been made, for the record.  Deeply humbling public amends of both the practical and spiritual kind.)  In short, for great reasons or petty, with good explanations or poor ones, people will let you down.  Most don't mean to, but most do.  I assure you, I am not, as you say "better than all that..." I (and anyone who works the 12 Steps), have made amazing progress in every area of my life -- and you can trust me with a lot -- but I guarantee I will continue to fuck it up royally; though now I like to think only occasionally.  What I can guarantee is I'm not alone in that.  People are messy and sober alcoholics in AA are far from exempt.

In my humble opinion, to use the foibles and failures of others in sobriety as a means to quarrel with AA is not too far from wondering if a vial of antibiotics is no good because the doctor who prescribed them committed Medicare fraud.

AA's 12 Steps embody a plan of acting on spiritual principles which have worked in many ways for many people and cultures since perhaps man first became self aware.  Owning and admitting a problem, asking for help, being willing to follow direction, looking within, identifying one's own part in problems, working on improving the elements in one's nature which do not serve, admitting wrong doing and making restitution, seeking an elevated mind through elevated thought and meditation... AA didn't invent -- and never claimed to invent -- any of this.  As you know, what Bill and Dr. Bob did (you've got me on Joe Hawk, I have no clue who he is, though he's got a hella cooler name than I do) is practically (or Divinely) luck into laying out a plan of action along those spiritual lines which spoke to alcoholics in a way other methods previously perhaps did not.  The immediate result of which was the ability to refrain from drinking and the larger result of which was a spiritual experience -- or, if you prefer, a profound internal (often gradual) transformation.

Your issues -- the "usual issues" -- with AA -- or perhaps it is more accurate to say with the people in AA -- though I understand them, I do not embrace them.  I respect them, and your hurt and your anger, but the 12 Steps are not vulnerable to what may or may not be happening in Meetings.  They are deceptively simple but pretty bullet proof (if almost a hundred years of addicts can't break 'em I think we're good).  Nor are they a fragile, ephemeral plan for spiritual awakening, as their principles and suggested actions can even be viewed through a completely non-spiritual lens and still offer practical healing and help.  (I was moved to write this once in response to that line of discussion.)

You and your family have suffered a terrible loss and my experience with the death of loved ones -- even when it is somewhat expected -- is that it is a gradual process cycling through those famous stages many times.  You may think it is more bullshit on my part but I am sensitive to that in your email and in what I'm trying to express here.

But I find this whole "AA in the good old days was the real AA and what we have today is some watered down 'human interpretation' thing" to be utter crap.  Yes, there are a ton of 12 Step Meetings which are filled with pounds of nonsense.  Rooms held hostage to people playing the victim or the expert.  Rooms where someone's special bias or ignorance colors the format and the sharing.  But I suspect, knowing alcoholics, that there were as many, if not maybe more, "back in the day" as there are today.  Of course we have no way of knowing, but I offer for anyone's consideration that the reason the 12 Traditions ever came into being was because back in those "good old days" the AA meetings all over the country were fragmented, prejudiced things making up their own rules, excluding whomever they didn't like or believe, getting off track (what we call our Primary Purpose today)... Yet while there may be that metric ton of sloppy anarchic nonsense out there in 12 Step rooms there is also, without doubt, proven by the ongoing recovery of many thousands of people, some wonderous and powerful healing going on.

Meetings, and sharing, have evolved as people's understanding of addiction and psychology and the impact of family of origin and biology and mental illness... and... and... and ... has evolved.  Yes, the Program is in the Book.  I stick pretty damn close to the Big Book when it comes to charting my service and my sobriety (and thus my life).  But if you believe nothing else I've ever written or write here now, if you call bullshit then fair enough, be that as it may, I urge you to try and view the nonsense -- what you perceive as dilution -- in meetings with some compassion.  Foolish people, yes, but at least coming together in an attempt to get better and maybe help others.  That is perhaps not such a bad place for someone with anger in their gut and raw grief in their heart to hang out for a while.

Both my experience and my observation is that an AA meeting can offer, inter-mingled with the patience-trying foolishness, solutions or comfort we didn't know we needed.  Be disappointed in me, in AA, in whatever, but I hope you don't sit in that disappointment alone.  12 Step meetings, therapy, grief support groups ... most alcoholics, when deeply hurt, withdraw.  I hope you don't do that.

 

Nothing here is meant or said with disrespectful intent, C.  I've re-written this maybe five times now.  I keep combing through it looking for my ego, anger, defensiveness, passive/aggressive phrases... it's too long an essay for a blog, probably, and still I smell my ego all over the damn thing.

But after writing as much Mr. SponsorPants as I have -- even with the break (ooops! I think there's that passive/aggression again) -- I've learned that eventually, if I was moved to write it, to let it stand and let it go and maybe someone out there will get something from it, and if not, well, all this writing kept my hands off the bag of chips in the cupboard which has been calling to me since I got home from work.

For what it's worth, whether you think it's bullshit or not, I'm grateful you wrote, C.

Sincerely,

Mr. SponsorPants

Comments

[Tami]

Personally I am so very grateful you ARE OK and you are back to posting that I'm willing to get over myself and forgive. Today. Maybe tomorrow will be different. If you vanish again.

[atomic momma]

This might be one of the best posts ever in my opinion.

I don't have a blog. I do sometimes though feel like if a writer of a blog needs time off the polite, responsible thing to do is post that, leave up your past blog posts and either tell people you're done, you're not done, or that you need a break. We get attached out here.

I think C makes a valid point and I'm glad he/she wrote and I'm even happier that you posted and responded.

I heard this from someone else so I can't take credit but it goes like this (and you touch on this): people will disappoint you and let you down. Our Higher Power has designed it that way so we turn to our Higher Power for wisdom and not the humanity of people

[GG]

I love the blog, and just have to say that as both an alcoholic and someone who wrote a personal blog that became surprisingly popular, I understand. Sometimes it's hard to believe (or, it was for me) that so many strangers take so seriously something that you plunk out on the keyboard in your pajamas after work! Anyway, keep up the great work.

[Hummingbird]

Brings to mind one of my favorite program quotes, "Expectations are just premeditated resentments."

[Michelle]

I did in fact think the worst during your absence and when you came back with the feeble excuse post it didn't sit right with me either. I just wasn't brave enough to write you anything about it the way this person did. Your blog after all is a gift, and who am I to lash out at you and hurt your feelings? I must admit tho, your response in this post to the email was long and windy and I couldn't read all of it.

[Debbie]

I love it. Reminds me of the importance of treating BOTH sides of our disease by keeping my seat warm in al-anon. The requirement for membership to al-anon is if you've been affected by someone's alcoholism.

[Grace Hall]

I read every last word and it made me so grateful for AA. Your ability to respond the way you did is the program in action for me.

Having just found you quite by accident and then realizing the date of your last post made me really sad...for ME! I think I even emailed you asking if you were okay.

It was with a happy heart that, on return to your blog, there was a new post!

Thank you for the gift of your blog.

[Anne]

Interestingly I also wondered if there was something disingenuous in your reason for being away. Of course the reason for that is my tendency toward catastrophization, one shared, I imagine, by most readers. We assumed the worst en masse, something a more general blog wouldn't have to deal with, and something beyond your control. An excellent and honest response to this issue. A heads up would be appreciated next time you head off though!

[CarolF]

Ah, Mr. SP. Since your sabbatical, I have gotten out of the habit of looking for your posts M-F, but I do generally catch up, as I am doing now. Thank you for posting this rather odd email and writing your fine response. It makes me realize that I am more forgiving than I think I am as I did not feel resentment toward you for disappearing for a while. Maybe since I've done some writing in my life, I recognize how tiring and painful it can become. In any case, thank you for starting again and thank you for being such a fine example of a human being who is living this program that has helped so many of us with so so many aspects of life. Cheers to you.

[Bobby D.]

As I read the "sanitized" version of the email you received, I couldn't help wondering how you would respond.

I should have known that you would answer with compassion, insight into your world, and a good dose of "you might take a look at that" towards the end.

I spent a few years wringing my hands as a bleeding deacon, but I'm glad for the sponsor who raised both eyebrows after one of my rants and "let me have it!"

You're right, AA is messy, but I can't ignore that THE program works. (I get so tired of people saying around here, "MY program works for me, but it may get you drunk." I'm pretty sure they're right! However, the program of action outlined in the Big Book is guaranteed to NOT get you drunk.)

I need no explanation for your absence (although I wondered). There are lots of things that are not my business in this world-- and with friends (and I count you as one of those), I think it can be downright disrespectful and rude to demand to know.

You and I are friends because I choose you. And even if I never hear from you again, I will always wish and think the best of you. That's what I've learned from my AA friends who love me UNCONDITIONALLY.

After all, once we've been loved that way, I don't think we can help ourselves.

[Bill B]

Welcome Home, Mr. SP!

[Suzanne]

Dear SP: Your blog is your own and you can post whenever your d@mn well feel like it. Although your followers care, and you are courteous to keep them somewhat informed, you don't really owe us anything! Who are we to call BS on you? This nimrod can get over him/herself. ;) Heh!

[divalolo]

Mr SP, I can understand your correspondent's upset, particularly in the context of the events in his life.

When you disappeared, yes part of me thought the worst had happened and we had heard the last from Mr SP. But I tried to keep an open mind, remembering that it is hard to be with "not knowing" and any scenario or explanation that played out in my head was pure fantasy. I know that when my someone pretty well constant has fallen off the radar, my primitive brain senses jeopardy. Still, even this is just supposition.

When you eventually came back (yay!) and had a rather mundane account of your time away from this blog, I thought, it just figures.

Mr SP is an ordinary human being. He can have pretty mundane, banal resons for doing what he does. The fact that what he writes can have an extraordinary effect on people is, I believe, down to his ability to be a mouthpiece for a higher power.

Mr SP, you are an ordinary, humble human being. I can forgive your needing to drift away for a while. But I really, really, REALLY missed the mouthpiece to a higher power. I am going to keep coming back and I hope you do too.

[Jackie]

I missed you very much when you were gone and I worried that something horrible had happened to you.
However, it never occured to me that I was owed anything. Blog writing is not obligatory, even if you formerly did it every day.
I worry about all my AA friends when I don't hear from them. It comes with the territory. Those kind of relationships are one of the things that makes AA so powerful. The common bonds that tie such a diverse group of people together.
I was worried when you were gone, I'm pleased that you are back. I hope that the period of rest rejuvenated your desire to write on this blog.

[David S]

You mean we have to be accountable? That's part of the deal?
Welcome back Mr. SP, humans can be just downright disappointing, glad I don't have to be accountable to a mass of bug eyes staring a a screen.

[Luna]

hummm, expectations and disappointments!
We (people) are flawed and will remain that way, therefore I try to expect nothing, demand nothing. Your return post was OK with me..who am I to read into your post? or to ask for more or less?
What is important is that you are OK, you are sharing your ESH, and I am blessed because you were/are/will be a big part of my sobriety. And for that I love you and thank you. (schmultzy, but that is the way it is, so there)

[MF]

Mr SP- Your blog has helped me with recognizing the humour that goes with the pain of being human. I can poke my own bruises as I let them heal. What a gift that is.
I was worried when you disappeared. I have a bad habit of idolizing people that give these gifts. Silly pedestal placing of people who aren't even asking for a seat. I am going to take lessons instead of gathering resentments. This serves me a lot better and (in some moments) more palatable.

[marilee]

I am not an AA member, I stumbled across your blog while researching "cross talk". I quite like what I read and if it's okay with you I'd like to keep coming back. I am a member of another recovery program and find the dialogue here familair.
I admire your patience, respect and compassion in responding to someone in obvious pain.

[Gay-in-AA]

Hey Mr. S thanks for writing again. Personally I love your prose and message. I like the long and windy blogs very much. You have a message and a gift.

My personal sponsor moved away and I had to deal with deep rooted abandonment issues that (until that point) I never had noticed. Boy talk about an opportunity for learning and growth. It was painful and brought up all kinds of garbage that was deep inside me.

Nothing happens without a reason. I just have to check myself and deal with my own issues. Pain is a great diagnostic tool. It shows me where I am wounded. It is up to me to seek treatment and heal.

[Colorado]

I found this blog toward the end of February and I'm grateful I did. It is so interesting when an alcoholic complains "about the sad state of the nation" forgetting how fortunate we really are to have other recovering people in our lives whether they be bloggers or just another alcoholic. I'm just happy that AA is not an exclusive club where you're out if you screw up. That would really be a sad state of affairs would it not?

[Nicolassa]

Just glad you are back. There must be a lot of pressure behind being this helpful. Words don't always come easy- even with a gift such as yours. Thank you for all you see, create, and pass along. I hope the break gave you the rest your mind and heart surely needed.