Mr. SponsorPants

why why why

 

why

why

why

For the past few days at work people have been asking me, in various ways, "why?"

A teenager that worked for me was shot and killed.  A good kid.  A very good kid.  No gang stuff or any of the usual questions and assumptions which might come to mind.

One of the teen's parents also works for me -- which might sound odd, but in the restaurant industry I'm finding some things function very differently.  In some communities, if someone finds a good gig with a good company, they recommend other family members.  It's not nepotism, they're not in charge of hiring and firing just

Oh who cares about that shit a good kid is dead.

My team at the store is reeling and you can add Grief Counselor to my job description.

When people sincerely ask me "why" I've shared my beliefs, shaped by AA, without getting into AA stuff -- they don't need any of that.  When people ask me "why" but it seems a rhetorical question, I just leave them alone.  Some need an ear, some need to process on their own -- or with someone else.  I'm keenly aware that my brand is not for everyone. 

There is tragedy every day.  Carnage and injustice on much greater scales.

But that knowledge is an abstract, as good and as caring as I/we try to be.  This is personal, horrible and specific.

All I know how to do, what AA taught me, is to deal with my feelings and thoughts, then be of service in any way to those around me.  AA doesn't own that, it's just the way I best learned how to do that.

The parent is shattered.  I am holding their job for them -- which makes some things very complicated, operationally, but I can handle that.

The past few days have been very brief posts because of this.  I couldn't write about it here before now, because I was dealing with it all day, and didn't have it in me to then come home and bring it to the blog, as helpful as it has been over the years to share candidly about whatever I was dealing with here.

Tomorrow morning is the Mass and the funeral, and I will be attending before going in to work.

Life is hard, and a mystery, and having Faith at times like these can be both a great comfort and a terrible question mark, by turns.

I put one foot in front of the other.

I take the next indicated step.

I do my job and make an effort to be personally and professionally helpful to those around me, whenever and however I can.

 

There's really not much more to say on it tonight, is there.

 

Mr. SponsorPants 

 

 
 

we can still choose

 

pass it on

 

 

 

In fact, when it comes to

spirituality, recovery and service,

the candle  actually

becomes brighter

by lighting another candle.

 

constantly

 

Addiction will constantly try to keep you alone.

I've never met an addict who came out of a significant time spent alone with their own thoughts -- just thinking -- in a better place than when they started.

(And so often, when we do that, we're either thinking about ourselves, or trying really hard to distract ourselves so that we aren't thinking at all -- neither state being a particularly good idea for an addict of any stripe.)

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.  To the precise extent that we permit these do we squander the hours that might have been worth while."

AA's Big Book, pg. 66

 

 

Life is short.

Resentment

 

 

It really is all in our heads / Big Brother is watching me

 

Not the easiest double shift.  One of my line cooks cut their finger (more than a nick, less than an amputation) and I had to arrange to get them medical treatment at a clinic.  Then one of my cashiers did a no-show/no call.  So I was two bodies down, and we've already cut labor to a new low; let's just say I was dancing as fast as I could.

As the hours rolled along it was like being that circus tight rope walker who shimmies and sways but doesn't actually fall.  Each new situation threatened to swamp us but I was just able to get it handled before we capsized.

An AA acquaintance who has been a great spiritual teacher for me over the years came in with two people for dinner.  They've been in a few times and I've made a point of telling my head to shut up and reaching (deep) down to find a way to offer a truthful, friendly hello.  That is the right kind of contrary action for me.  Frankly I've always thought that they were very willing to carry AA's message to slim, 18 to 24 year old hotties but not a lot of others a bit distant and a little cool towards me at times, but I honestly looked at it as a way to practice keeping my equilibrium in the face of that.  I didn't need to change them or me.  I didn't need to apologize or to charm, I could just be me and let them be them.  And when I look at it like that then they really are a great spiritual teacher for me.

A coworker and I wound up bringing them their food together.  I offered my warm hello and said something like "nice to have you back" -- friendly but neutral -- not exactly a "Hey! You go to 12 Step Meetings with Me!  How are you!"

My Great Spiritual Teacher looked right through me and said, "Can we get some more Thousand Island Dressing please?" 

Well hello to you too.

Hey, I've been to the rodeo.  I am not going to fall down because someone is basically having a bad life day and spewing it around them and I just happen to get caught in the spray occasionally.

But because I had been dancing as fast as I could it was a little harder to get there from the "Oh no you didn't..." which popped up in the moment.

Suddenly I didn't want them to see me carrying food or bussing tables or any of the othert things I had to do, short staffed and busy.  I noted that inside and pushed it away, since it was so obviously my alcoholism swooping down on its dark wings and latching on to my feelings of embarrassment and anger and working to make them into something more.

There was a lull, they left, and I found my thoughts drifting to morbid reflection, chastising myself for squandered opportunities, casting myself as a lazy and foolish man who wound up...

and I just stopped.

And quite clearly thought, "Jesus.  It really is all in our heads.  I am just torturing myself with my own thoughts.  Everything is fine.  I am fine.  This job is fine.  My life is pretty good.  It's all in my head, all the judgment and suffering and fear and anger... it's just bullshit in my head and I am choosing to keep myself unhappy when I indulge it."

Just at that moment one of my co-workers came over and told me I had a phone call.  It was my old boss, the gal who'd trained me for the job and moved on to another restaurant.

I grabbed the phone.  "Hey, what's up?  I have to keep this quick, we're semi-slammed and I'm two bodies down."

"Get someplace private, I have to tell you something. It's important."

"Oh... ok. Hang on."

I popped into the back.  She was not prone to drama, but she did like to talk.

"I have to get back out there pretty quick," I said.  "What's going on?"

"Seriously, you can't tell anyone -- but I wanted to give you a head's up."

"Ok, I swear.  What?"

"Here's the deal: [Person who would know] told me that [The New Big Boss] bought some new software for the company.  It allows them to hack into the security cameras in each of the restaurants remotely.  Basically they're sitting in their offices on their laptop and watching us on the cameras."

"Wait. What?"

"Yes, they're watching to see who is sitting in the office during the lunch rush, who spends too much time in the office, etc.  And they're checking to see if people are changing their time cards a lot."

I had a moment of panic.

Then I started laughing.

"What are you laughing at?" she asked.

"I don't know, it's just... so over the top.  You know when I've changed my time card?"

"When?"

"When I didn't take a break because I worked straight through my lunch, but added one in later so it looked like I took a lunch break."

She laughed.  "Oh yeah, I've done that a ton."

"And as for watching me in the office... well there may be some excellent footage of me picking my nose once or twice -- but let the record show I had a tissue in use, and I wash my hands religiously.  I'm not sure what it looks like on camera when I sit at the desk and put my head in my hands for a few minutes after a customer has chewed me out because their food wasn't right or we weren't as friendly as they thought we should be.  Out of context that might look ... I don't know.  Oh, and probably a couple of PG13 moments when I reached under my apron to make sure the boys were riding comfortably before I went back on the floor."

She laughed some more and talked about probably giving them a good boob shot once or twice when she was pulling her sweater off.

I thanked her big time for the head's up -- it's the kind of thing you'd want to know.

And after we hung up and I went back to dancing as fast as I could I thought about the new Big Boss some more, and how this seemed a fit for what I had experienced of him.  I'm not interested in a long debate here about what rights a company has to monitor its employees.  (I do think that to do so secretly is a bit much.  We're not in high finance.  We're not working on classified defense contracts.  It's a freakin' fast casual restuarant chain with less than ten locations.  There's a kind of "Gotcha!" to how this is rolling out that is, in my humble opinion... unseemly.)

I do know that if I were still drinking I would take this information and FREAK out.  I would be outraged, and guilty, and no doubt would have been pulling something pretty shady in the office, taking extra breaks or whatever.

If they don't like how I use my time they're my employers and they have the right to tell me to use it differently.  That reaction is pure AA working in my life.  (Though I am compelled to add that if you don't want your managers in the office stop coming up with additional administrative tasks for them to do on the computer.) 

But long ago AA taught me that I live more comfortably if I live rigorously honestly.  So despite the flash of "Oh my God!" when I first heard this, I am remarkably calm about the whole thing.

For right now at my work, apparently Big Brother is watching.

And that's ok, since the man that AA grew me into has pretty much nothing to hide.

I just hope the camera's getting my good side.

 

Shooters -- Quick shots from Meetings

 

 

 

"At my worst it was like all my ego fears felt like survival fears.  I mean, it felt like if I made a mistake or someone thought I was stupid I would be destroyed.  The more I think about that the more I see, just... God! That is SO screwed up."

 

______________________________

 

 

"It took me a long time to understand that saying, 'What you think of me is none of my business.'  Now I get it.  And when I'm kind of getting worked up over somebody or what I think somebody thinks I just say that to myself and it kind of brings me up short:  What they think of me is none of my business."

 

________________________________________

 

"I'm kind of used to my fear now.  After all, it's always with me.  It's like having an annoying person in the back seat of the car.  You know they're back there and maybe you can't stop them from talking or being annoying or whatever, but you can just stop paying attention to them too.  That's what it's like now.  Through sobriety I've stopped paying attention to my fear."

 

a quote from Mr. Buscaglia

A conversation today with a sponsee,

about a kindness he did for his sponsee,

made me think of this quote,

and remember how important

these things can be:

 

 

 

Sure, it sounds like pablum

or mush...

till it happens to you.

These are not trivial things, these are not empty "feel good" words.

These are things which can save a life.

 

But ironically for alcoholics,

not the life of the person receiving these things.

The life of the person giving them.

as they make up their minds to be

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

 -- Abraham Lincoln

 

"Oh shut up, Abe."

                                     -- Mr. SponsorPants

 

It was a stressful day at work.

I was forced to do math -- before drinking any coffee!

(I am certain that somewhere this is listed as a war crime.)

And then things were changed on me, and I had to do something differently than I'd been doing it!  What is the matter with you people!  Don't you see how much stress you're creating for me?  I am sensitive!  You want me to zag-zig when I only just figured out how to zig-zag!  Aaargh!  I've been at work for an hour already, isn't that enough?  Can I go home now?  Were you aware that I was here yesterday?  I mean, this day after day thing... doesn't that seem a little extreme?  Anybody?

 

I needed an attitude adjustment.  Badly.

Hunched over a task I muttered to myself, "I need an attitude adjustment.  Badly."

"Oh God, me too!" a co-worker, standing nearby, who'd heard me mutter, chimed in. 

They went on to describe how (basically) they really needed to tell themselves to feel differently.  I looked at them and thought, "My God, you are the angriest little person I know -- and that's saying something, because I run with alcoholics.  And what's worse, you don't even know how angry you are."

 

One flash-of-insight later, I was considering how sometimes I can be very invested in feeling bad.  And the secret to changing that (for me) has always been to first be honest with myself about how I feel (as opposed to labelling any particular feeling as "bad" or inappropriate and stuffing it down).  Then reframing how I talk to myself (as in I stop saying "I have to do X" and start saying "I get to do X" -- which takes me from passive to active, from victim to volunteer).  And finally to do actions that are of service to the people around me -- something.  Anything.  Just look around for an opportunity to be helpful and then, without fanfare, start to do giving, considerate things -- even though it is the absolutely last thing on earth at that moment that I want to do. 

Because, as has been said many times, by people far wiser than I, you can't think yourself into right action, but you can act yourself into right thinking -- and that's true for me of how I feel, too.

Thus my attitude adjustment -- seeking to change my state from self-pity to gratitude, from resentment to peace, from a shitty attitude to a good mood -- isn't about just telling myself something -- depending on what's going on that can be nothing more than denial and hollow cheerleading.  It's about doing things which will literally shift my perspective.

And although it was slow going at first today, I got there.

So Abe is actually right -- it's just that when I'm "in it" that kind of stuff makes me want to scream and break things.

It's as true as I choose to make it.

 

Damn, there's just no ducking that personal responsibility stuff in sobriety, is there.