Questions via Email: Should we let our daughter move back into our house?

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

My daughter has had problems with alcohol since middle school. She quit college after multiple problems and arrests related to her drinking. She is the kind of drinker who occasionally becomes violent, even getting physical with her mother and I, after which she repeatedly said she was sorry and would stop drinking.  She had her only DUI a few years ago, and was in a fairly serious car accident, but thank God no one was killed. As a result of this she had to complete a 6 month in-patient rehab and 6 months in a sober living to avoid jail. She paid some of her fine, but her mother and I paid for the rest: The rehab, the medical debt, the defense attorney, the court fines...

After we got through that mess and the sober living was completed we told her that we would no longer pay for anything -- she was a grown woman and would have to stand on her own.  The only work she says she can find is bartending/cocktail waitress type work and she's been doing that for a while and, to her credit, hasn't asked us for money since we drew the line.  She says that she's going to AA meetings but working nights makes it hard to go regularly.

Last week my daughter asked if she could move back in with us to save money and maybe go back to school.  But recently I discovered she's had another arrest involving drinking some time in the last few months.  

We are scared. We love her so much. Both my wife and I must travel regularly for work, and so if we let her move in she'd eventually be here on her own.  Do you think we should let her move back in?

Father in Turmoil

 

Dear Father in Turmoil,

Your email ripped me up. 

My relationship with my own parents was fraught with dishonesty and abuse (from me) and enabling (from them).  It took me a long, long time to forgive myself for what I put them through (understanding in my gut what it means when we say addiction is a disease was the cornerstone in that process), and an even longer time to stop wishing I were a better, stronger man who hadn't allowed them to enable me as much as they did.  (That one was the source of some near suicide-inducing pain at one point.)

So I have some experience to share with you, and some suggestions for you to consider, based on that experience.  In AA we try hard to stay away from "should's" though I admit that to someone outside the 12 Step world that may seem like a bit of a word game.  After all, what's the difference between an experience-based suggestion and a "should"? 

(The difference, for those of you wondering, is this:  I do not presume to know what someone should do.  What I can do is use the intellect God gave me to review my experience and offer how I have used AA's spiritual tools to address something, and then suggest that those tools might work for them since my experience seems applicable to what they're dealing with.  Thus, the difference between setting myself up as someone who "knows what others should do," versus someone with experience to offer which might be helpful, but one can take or leave as they see fit, is perhaps a small difference -- almost a word game -- to some, but a vast and critical one to me.)

Here is my experience, based on the worst times in my relationship with my parents:

I didn't mean to lie to my parents, and I felt guilty doing it, but my need to get what I wanted from them usually far outweighed any pangs of conscience I had.  And there's some sort of sick slippery slope that happens once you decide you're a terrible person (which I decided I was).  It sort of gives you permission to do terrible things.

From what you shared in your email it sounds like, since you had to "discover" that your daughter had another drinking episode involving the law, she did not volunteer this information.  So your daughter is withholding information -- which is a form of dishonesty -- or, to put it plainly, your daughter is still lying to you.  And I can tell you that whatever my parents found out about, it usually wasn't even the half of it. While this was behavior which started in my Junior High School years it lasted well into adulthood, and actually never stopped until I got -- and remained -- sober.  (Though I'm afraid some of the enabling spilled into my sobriety as well.)  If an alcoholic is lying about one thing, then they're likely lying about a lot of things -- that was how it was with me.  The hundred little lies which I never meant to tell, but which hopped out of my mouth like a toad in a rose garden.  If your daughter is lying about her drinking then she is not rigorously honest, as AA suggests we need to be.  But not to be some kind of "good" person, but so that the noise in our heads -- the guilt, the shame, the fear of discovery -- doesn't fuel more drinking (even though in our warped alcoholic mindset the lying and the drinking are usually unrelated).

You described in your email at length what you are afraid of (and I apologize for all the edits).  My experience is that what my parents were afraid of when it came to me and my drinking was all for very good reason, and they were kidding themselves by using the phrase "I'm afraid that blah blah blah is happening/will happen..." because they were right.  They just couldn't admit it to themselves.  So I'm sorry to tell you this, but in my experience you have the answers to all your questions, it is just the fear of seeing the truth, fueled by your love for your daughter, which is preventing you from admitting it to yourself and drawing boundaries/taking action on those admissions.

You know, I'm not a bad guy.  But while my alcoholism was running me, when it came to my parents I was a ruthless manipulator and a compulsive liar.

I would do almost anything to not have to have typed that.  Maybe I wasn't always that way, but I was that way enough -- and really, ANY amount of such qualities between child and parent is too much, isn't it?

 

As for night work getting in the way of AA meetings:  Bullshit.  Almost any city now has morning and/or noon meetings.  But using work as a dodge is not uncommon.  I once had a sponsee tell me that they couldn't sponsor anyone because they were a bartender and it would somehow give a sponsee permission to hang out in bars and drink.  To which I first had to say "Huh?" and then had to say "Bullshit" until finally it clicked and I said, "Oh, you're drinking again, aren't you..." at which point in the conversation they hung up on me.  I wish I'd been wrong.  Their story had an ugly ending.

 

In my experience -- not just me, but with my siblings and their children too -- one of the hardest things to determine in a family dynamic is where helping stops and enabling begins.  What I know from my own AA meetings is that there is incredibly powerful medicine in listening to people who have used 12 Step tools to deal with what I had to face and recover from.  It sounds to me like you and your wife are trying to deal with this all on your own.  If I hadn't gotten to AA I don't think I would be alive today, so, based on that experience I'd like to suggest that you GET TO ALANON.  GET TO ALANON.  FOR CHRIST'S SAKE GET YOURSELF TO ALANON.  Sometimes the most powerful help we can give to the people closest to us is when we say "No."  But saying no rips us up and is hard to maintain.  Other parents who have dealt with these things can give you far better experience, strength and hope than I when it comes to learning how to draw boundaries, when to say "No," and how to stay strong in the face of the manipulation an alcoholic child will be powerless to stop themselves from trying to use on you.

To that end, I encourage you to click this link.

It might be one of the hardest things you've ever read.

It also might save your sanity, your savings, your marriage and possibly your life.

 

There are many, many online resources for parents of addicts as well.  Start clicking around you'll find a whole online community to supplement the in-person one you'll find IN ALANON.

 And there are many, many people who have walked your path and seen their families healed.  Things are hard now, but there is help and there is hope for you.

Remember:  If you don't help yourself, you'll never be able to healthfully, in a sane, balanced, helping-her-stay-sober way, help your daughter.

Good luck, my prayers are with you.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

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Comments

[Jeri Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ]

My heart breaks for you. I know exactly what you are feeling. I have a son who after a divorce moved home. Being an alcoholic myself, I thought that being an example of what AA and recovery was, would be a motivator for him to say "I want what you have mom." WRONG! All that is left for me to do is pray for him, and his family (re-married). Alcoholism is a hideous disease. We will continue to pray at every meeting for the alcoholic who still suffers.

[Belle in the upper midwest]

Well put, Mr. SP.

To the folks who wrote this: If you go to Al-Anon, please go long enough for it to work in your life.

It's hard to watch your children grow up and make choices that you wouldn't make, or that you feel guilty about or responsible for.

But your daughter is a Child of God, and He has a plan for her, just like He does for you. The hard thing is lovingly letting your daughter experience the consequences of her actions.

How long does it take? As long as it takes. Is there pain involved? Yup. Does it end happily? Not always. Is it worth doing? Absolutely. I wish you well.

[Syd]

Good post, Mr. SP. I would suggest to anyone who is going through the situation described here, to read the Al-Anon pamphlet The Merry Go Round of Denial. It really describes enabling and the role that family members play in helping keep the alcoholic in the disease.

[Karen@Mignardise]

I just started clicking around to various recovery blogs (I'm a food blogger) because my 20 year old daughter is in rehab ( and my husband is 17 years sober). I'm so glad to have found your blog - I like your voice. I am an Al-Anon beginner and recently received the pamphlet Syd mentioned in the previous comment. It's very helpful.
Keep up the great work Mr. SP. I look forward to reading along.