Questions via Email: Ex (abuser) will likely attend my home group.

 

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants,

 

I have been regularly attending local AA meetings for approximately [a short while] now. An ex of mine just checked themselves into detox and I have a gut feeling that once they're released they will be attending the same meetings. The problem is that the ex in question verbally and physically abused me during our relationship and I don’t wish to be anywhere near them, especially at such an early point in my own recovery.  The AA group I speak of is my home group and the next nearest meeting location is 30 miles away. I do not have a sponsor yet to help me through this dilemma. What should I do? Or, better yet, WWMSD?

 

Sincerely,

 

M.

Dear M,

I would go to the meeting 30 miles away.

Hopefully, if I resented the drive, or the time, or the temporary loss of my Home Group, I would be able to imagine what it would be like to tell someone suffering from cancer, who was going through terrible chemo treatments, that all they would have to do to get their medicine is drive thirty miles and donate a dollar or two if they were able; and I could get perspective on the effort I was making to go to the meeting.

I would feel good about the fact that I was putting my recovery first, by not having to deal with my ex being in a meeting with me so early in my sobriety.  I would hopefully get even more out of the meeting I was going to because of the effort I made to get there, and the knowledge that I could listen without the distraction of having my ex in the room at this time.

I would go to the meeting 30 miles away and I would wonder if maybe there was a Divine Reason for me to be there rather than where I had been.  I'd try to have an open mind on that subject -- and to that end I'd try to find a sponsor as soon as possible in the new meetings I was going to.

Then, eventually, when the time seemed right, I would, with the help and support of some good AA pals, go back to my former Home Group once or twice a week, and start to work through being in the same meeting with my ex -- but I wouldn't rush into that at all.  It's just that eventually, after I had my feet under me, I would want to reclaim the room for myself.

I'd also try to remember that my ex -- my abuser -- was spiritually sick as well, and while we should probably never partner in a romantic relationship ever again, I might some day come to compassion for their illness and what drove them to such sick behaviors.

But I would definitely go the meeting 30 miles away, since not going to a meeting at all, and being in the meeting with my ex, seemed like choices I could not live with for a while.

That's what I hope I would do.

And that's what I hope you can find a way to do, too.

Good luck, M.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

Comments

[shanachie]

I think this is good advice. I have seven years clean and sober, and someone in my Area assaulted me last September. Actually, it was someone much closer to me than just some member I had no ties to, but I digress.
I tried to continue going to these meetings, and do my service without running into him, but it's impossible. So I chose, this past weekend, to take a sabbatical and hit up some out of town meetings. I hadn't thought about any divine reasons, but that's an interesting idea. I will still continue with my recovery. The meetings I've been attending are about an hour away, and I think that's a not bad investment in my life. I used to spend 12 hours a week in a car just to go to a job I didn't like.

[Jeri Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ]

I noticed a couple of things, that might make a difference....
With no sponsor there might be a case of a perception problem. Then we are not living in the now and only speculating that something MIGHT happen. Our disease is of a thinking nature, so maybe trying to solve the problem with the same mind that created the problem is not the best idea. #1 priority get a sponsor.

[aaron]

I have read your Blog for a long time and usually find your answers complete, and well grounded. This time I disagree quite a bit. Until someone has a sponsor and understanding of the steps I don't think its possible to separate avoidance from healthy space. I agree with #1priority being get a sponsor. A close 2nd would be work the steps.

[C]

Wow, really? You both saw where the writer said they were physically abused by this person, right? How could this be a perception problem?

This has nothing to do with avoidance or healthy space, this has to do with safety!

Not all addicts or alcoholics lose their common sense - sheesh!

[C]

Oh and Mr SP is a sponsor. Maybe not the writer's sponsor but a sponsor nonetheless.

[Ivan Toblog]

What I really like about this blog is it virtually always seems to come at the issues presented in such a way that the reader can see there is more than one point of view.
Coming here is almost like talking to my sponsor on a daily basis.

[Dave]

I'm not sure I agree with this option. Maybe I should talk to my sponsor about it.

[Two dogs barking]

Why are you living in the future and worrying about what ifs? Today is all you have. 99% of what we worry about never happens.