I can choose

 

 

I can convince myself something is going to be difficult armed with nothing more than a crappy, closed-minded attitude and half an inaccurate fact.

I can remember that I don't always know how things will go, and that if things get hard I can ask for help.

 *

I can convince myself not to try something by deciding before it even begins that I will be hugely disappointed, simply by treating the sad movie in my head as if it is reality.

I can remember that things are often okay -- more than okay -- by admitting there are many possible outcomes, and sometimes I like something in spite of myself -- that it's in the doing where joy is found.

 *

I can convince myself that nothing really matters by constantly deconstructing everything into sterile, abstract bits and pieces -- the dark mirror reverse version of the truism "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

I can remember that the ocean is more than just salt and water, a human is more than just blood and bones, and I am always much more than what my fear and addiction constantly whisper in my ear.

 *

I can convince myself that I am separate from everyone around me -- less than or better than they are -- by obsessively focusing on the differences between us, especially magnifying and distorting trivial things until they become symbolic of all humanity and my alienation from it.

I can remember that it is by listening for the similarities, the feelings in common, the universality of human experience with all its messy, selfish fears, its inconvenient, embarrassing needs and its beautiful heart with such a staggering potential for love and kindness -- which all of us share -- that makes me a part of the human family, and that's true whether I feel it in any particular moment or not -- and the great irony is that often what people (especially alcoholics) have most in common is the belief that they have nothing in common.

*

I can convince myself that all is random chaos -- daily life riven by petty, grinding evils and grave, shocking injustices -- with no evidence of the Divine at all, by constantly looking for where God isn't.

I can remember that at times I have felt a vast Something at work, whether through a feather-light touch on my heart, a gentle inspiration in my thoughts or a powerful, soul-stilling, soul-filling moment of Peace -- and when I stop and breathe and become really honest with myself about those things then no amount of after-the-fact cynicism can erase that truth.  And from there I can retire from collecting jaded, pathetic "Ah Ha!" moments of disbelief, to remember that while often it is hard, with my tiny human perception, to see God in the world around me, if I choose to I can always feel God in the world within me.

 

Comments

[Jayne Dough]

Reading just the non-italicized portions, I'm left with the strong impression that I've dated you.

Several times!

[JessieR]

Thank you! So many times after i read what you've written I really want to give you a gigantic bear hug. Consider yourself hugged as hard as I could possibly hug you!