... I did find myself wanting to shout at the screen for a minute.

 

 

A character on a television show I just watched (thanks, internet!) had gotten sober and gone to AA "offscreen."  (He is a very minor character on the show.) 

The running gag in this episode was his attempt to "do his Step 9" with people at work.  He would apologize with grave sincerity for ridiculously trivial things, or tell people things they didn't need to or want to hear, the apology apparently constituting the sum total of his Step 9: "I need to say I'm sorry for my recovery." (Though to be fair, later in the episode, he briefly mentioned accepting the consequences of his actions).

I will be the very first to admit I am likely a little sensitive to how AA and the 12 Steps are generally portrayed in modern film and television.  Over the course of this show's run 12 Step things have snuck in around the edges, so a producer or head writer or some such is probably in one 12 Step Program or another.

But I did find myself wanting to shout at the screen for a minute.

"It's not about apologizing!  It's about making things right!  It's about restitution!  It's not about forcing your amends process onto anyone who doesn't want it!"

As I said, it was a minor character, and so I understand they had limited time in any given scene to explain what he was doing on the way to setting up a punchline.

And I can even believe that it was a well intentioned inclusion in the story... but dear god that makes me nuts sometimes.  I would wager that, right after the whole "it's a religious program" thing, believing that Step 9 is just about saying "I'm sorry" is the most common misconception regarding all things 12 Step.

It's not just about saying "I'm sorry" -- though certainly that's often one appropriate thing to be done.  It's about righting the wrong, balancing the ledger, owning the damage we did in whatever form and making whatever restitution we can.

And it's not so we can be "good" people -- that's just sort of an accidental, occasional result.  It's so we are relieved of the things like guilt or arrogance or shame or denial which, left inside us, fester and poison us.

An apology can offer relief from a guilty conscience, that's certainly true; but an amends offers freedom from sickness, and heals a tormented spirit.

 

Comments

[daisymay]

I feel like that when I see things about my religious beliefs misrepresented, belittled, trivialised,parodied, etc.

Unfortunately I also know that I and others of my faith have done our share of contributing to these stereotypes.

[Jessie R.]

This all resonates inside me today. Truth! :) thank you!

[Tyler]

Step nine also can relieve others of the mental anguish they may still have from your whacked alcoholic behaviors.

[Joy]

I saw that show! I love that show! The resident recovering alcoholic and I discussed those exact scenes! We had the same reaction you expressed at first. After sitting and talking about it a while we likened it more to the co-workers being more like his "family" than co-workers which would kind of explain the types of confessions and requests for forgiveness based on a familial type relationship. (Because everyone knows that you should always disect a tv show as if it were real) But the discussion did bring up the topic of stalkers and abusers who while in jail write to their victims expressing a desire to 9th step when it is in reality a cover up for their own selfish way of trying to having control over their victims yet again.
My mother always told me that there are three parts to an apology - 1) Saying I'm sorry 2) Asking if I can do anything to make up for it and 3) Doing what is asked of me even if that means leaving the person the heck alone.

Sometimes an apology is better left unexpressed regardless if it is a step or not if the act of presenting it causes more pain to the recipient. Love this post.

[Let Go, Let God]

I like what Tyler said.

[Jackie]

Thank you Mr. SP! I saw that episode as well and was extremely concerned by his "amends". I kept thinking to myself, "Clearly he did not review his amends with his sponsor. Does he even have a sponsor? A big book sponsor?" As you mentioned it's not appropriate to force amends on anyone. We heal through seeing and acknowledging the truth that our alcoholism has harmed not only ourselves but others as well, and having the willingness to set things right. If we make the attempt and the other person is not willing to hear the amends, our side of the street is clean. The episode also brought to mind the sentence in the 12 & 12, "...we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own piece of mind at the expense of others."