Mr. SponsorPants

it really helps me to think of them this way

 

If you were attacked by a shark, or mauled by a bear, you wouldn't say, "Oh, man, why didn't that shark (or bear) take into account how hard I'm trying to be nice!" or "Jeez, you'd think that shark (or bear) would cut me a break, considering the day I've had!" or "That shark (or bear!) is a total asshole for attacking (or mauling) me!"

You wouldn't say that because you understand that it is the animal's instinct at work.  It has nothing to do with you that they attacked you; you just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  (Sure, sure, maybe you did something foolish to rile them up a little, but no one is actually seeking to create a shark -- or you know -- attack/maul.  You just exacerbated a situation, or were careless about something.)

 

It helps me to think of spiritually sick people like sharks (or bears.  But I'm rather fond of bears, actually, so I don't think of them that way very often).  Their toxic behavior, their "attacks" are no more about you than a shark's.  You just happened to be in the way of their sick frenzy -- when it comes to behavior they are really no more evolved than an instinct-driven animal.  So its futile to expect them to take into account how hard you're trying, or what kind of day you've had, or whatever.

And it's almost (when you look at it this way) silly to resent them.  You don't resent the shark (I'm going to stop saying bear - they don't deserve to be a part of this analogy.  Forget all the bear stuff.  Every time I said "bear" above, just think "rabid dog" now) for attacking you.  In certain situations it's what their instincts drive them to do.

Same with spiritually sick people.  Their ego and their fear -- their instincts out of balance (as the 12&12 puts it) -- drive them to "attack" in the same way a shark (or rabid dog) attacks.

It's not about you.

It's about them.

You just happened to be the one they bit.

When I can think in these terms I find I'm a lot less prone to expecations, and thus, resentments.  Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I get bit, but I spend a whole lot less time in my head chewing on all of the "Don't they know..." and "How could they be so..." etc.

It really helps me to think of them this way.

 

sometimes rigorous honesty can take a hike

 

 

"We need to speak to the manager -- are you the manager?"

They were a scruffy looking couple, and depending on lighting and environment might seem like either they'd been a little beat up or they'd beat you up a little.

My boss was there, but not on duty, so I was in the hot seat.  Unfortunately the place was hopping, and it felt like I wasn't carrying dishes so much as keeping a dozen of them spinning.

"Yes, I'm the manager.  I'll be happy to help you in just a moment."  This delivered practically on the fly as I sent one plate back to the kitchen for a fix, and shooed one of the kids back onto the floor. "Bus please" I mouthed to him, with a mock scowl.  He raised his hands in surrender and skedaddled.

Mr. and Mrs. Scruffy took a seat on the little bench where people wait for their take out orders to come up.

Out of sight of the couple I caught my boss's eye and asked, in a whisper, if she knew them, or what it was about.  "No clue." She shrugged.  "Do you want me to..."

"No, no, I got it.  Just wondering if there was background I needed."

Just a few minutes later I was able to make my way back to them.  "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.  How can I help?" I asked.

"Oh, you're busy, no problem.  We're from up north," the man said.  "Ran into some trouble here.  Out of funds.  Just wondering if we could get something to eat."

This was absolutely not what I expected, but my brain thought so fast, I made a decision before I even knew I'd made it.

"Sure, just wait over there."  I smiled to soften how quickly I was speaking, and the fact that I was pointing to a spot out of the way.  The place was busy and no one was doing anything but paying attention to the task in front of them.  I grabbed two large to-go containers and filled them with hot soup, then added some extra bags of the flat bread we serve with it, a couple of plastic spoons, whipped the whole thing into a bag, crossed to where they were and handed it off to them.  Again with a smile, to soften it, I said, "My boss wouldn't be too happy with..."

"Thank you, and no problem, we're gone." The man said, with no rancor.

I would have watched them leave but I was too busy -- yet as I worked I thought about how hot soup would feel in a cold, empty belly, and was as warmed by the idea as I hoped they were from their dinner.

A little while later my boss asked me what the couple had wanted.  I thought she'd forget about them.  Without missing a beat I said, "Oh, they just had a question about having a fundraiser here for shelter dogs or something.  I told them to contact corporate through the website."  The lie was as easy as breathing -- but then, they always were.

"Oh, okay."

 

I can eat there for free, so it's not exactly stealing.  But start to finish it wasn't rigorous honesty, either.

Don't know quite what made me do it -- how I made the decision in a flash like that, but I can tell you I'd probably do it again, if it could be done as quietly as that was.

God knows I've "run into some trouble" in life -- and so have many of the people who are so dear to me I would be lost without them.

Sometimes you don't ask a lot of questions, or evaluate need, or suitability, or anything else.

Sometimes you just help.

And every time I do, I feel the richer for it. 

Questions via Email: A Little Frustrated, A Little Frightened

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I recently moved to a new area and started going to a meeting at a sober "Club."  I've logged quite a few miles in AA meetings over the last close-to-ten years, but I have never encountered this situation before and I would love your input.

There is a person attending this meeting every other week or so and they are becoming more and more out of control.  On the one hand they talk about bringing a weapon to their last meeting and being "given permission by AA" to use it, and then they talk about how the 12 Traditions guide their sex life.  Their dramatic outbursts cause laughter and some eye rolling from the regular members but no one seems to want to do anything to corral them. 

Is there something I can do -- short of going to a different meeting?  Everyone whispers about them, which I don't want to be a part of -- but they are a big person who loudly proclaims their double-digit time sober.  To be honest, after the comment about the weapon, they scare me.  What would you do?

Thanks!

A Little Frustrated, A Little Frightened

 

Dear ALFALF,

I admit, I'm intrigued by the idea of using the 12 Traditions to guide my sex life.  Especially AA's 3rd Tradition: "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking."  How would one apply that, I wonder.  "The only requirement for..." -- I'd better stop there, or I'm going to wind up talking about members.

Let's speak plainly, but keep the Traditions handy, ok?

This person has every right to be in an AA meeting -- NOT that you're suggesting they don't, I'm just spelling it out for the folks playing along at home.

But clearly this person has some outside issues -- which, for the new kids, has become AA shorthand for mental or emotional issues which exist independent of someone's alcoholism (speaking loosely here).  This doesn't mean there's no overlap, or that the one might not feed the other.  It is merely an acknowledgment that someone has more than one problem.  Like having arthritis and also compressed discs in your spine -- both conditions will cause pain, both conditions can impair movement, and the former might irritate the latter, but they are two separate problems.

Okay, so they likely have some outside issues, and yet they have the right to BE in the meeting... but they do not have the right to disrupt the meeting to the point that it cannot function -- it hasn't gotten there yet, though.

However you have the right to feel safe in the meeting.

Yet talking about a weapon is not the same as showing it to anyone.  (The legal charge there would be "brandishing a blankety-blank," depending on the weapon, if I'm not mistaken.)  And in your letter no one individual is directly threatened by name, it's just a crazy comment -- one which would make me a little leery too, I want to add, but still just a crazy comment in general.

You're quite right not to participate in the whispering -- that doesn't help anyone (and actually harms the whisperers). 

And I sense from the way you expressed the idea that you don't really want to stop going to the meeting -- that's not an attractive solution to you either.

Which leaves us with only one course of action:  Be an example.

(And you already are, that's clear from what you wrote.)

Go to the meeting and share as you have, your own experience.  Do not engage this individual, but try not to shun (an almost contradictory suggestion, I know, and certainly a difficult middle-ground to traverse). 

AA has no "Sergeant at Arms," no governing body, no way to "police" its members' conduct in meetings.  Ultimately that's good, since many of us evolve to be very different from the way we were when we came in, and that space to behave badly eventually became space to grow.  But when you have someone dramatically erratic who talks a lot about how long they've been sober... it is hard.

It boils down to this:

• Do not put yourself in a position where you do not feel safe.
• Pray for this individual.
• Stay out of the gossip.
• Be the example.

A hard plan, but that's all I have to offer.  I've had similar situations a few times over the years, and that's the best strategy for me to use.  Gently but firmly sticking to being a sober, loving, calming presence in the room is (usually) more effective than confrontation, in my experience.

If you find the situation is getting in the way of your recovery, try going every other week, and sampling other meetings on your "off" week -- just to buffer yourself a little.

It would be easy to suggest you take this person out to coffee or something and try to have a one-to-one, heart-to-heart, but as I read your email and tried to consider the best, most realistic answer, that idea was quickly dismissed.  

From your description this is not a case of two rational people with dramatically differing views, wherein one might respond to the heartfelt sharing of another.  This is something else.

If their behavior escalates, then it might be appropriate for the Club, as the "landlord" -- with rights, responsibilities and liabilities -- to step in and take some kind of action, but as far as what a meeting can do, or an individual within the meeting... well, that 3rd Tradition stands strong.  We cannot compel anyone to change their behavior, no matter how rude or odd, so long as they do not prevent the meeting from going on -- and even then custom and tradition only allow for asking them to settle down or step out of the meeting until they can; but they are welcome back once they curb their disruptive actions. 

When it comes to these difficult situations our best response is to be the example.

A hard answer, I know, but the only one I've got I'm afraid.

Good luck and keep me posted.

 

the sweetest, dearest prayer you can make

 

 

"Thank you" is the sweetest, dearest prayer you can make.

I heard a speaker voice that sentiment recently, and their sincerity when they said it was so real that the statement went right through me and straight into my heart.

 

Then I returned to what felt like the grind of daily living, and my heart spat it right back out.

 

I've learned, though, that I can not only act my way to better thinking, behave my way to healthier feeling... I can sometimes pray my way back to a sincere, heart-felt gratitude, too.

I can rebuild it one silent, little, honest 'thank you' at a time.

 

It's sweet because it changes my whole perspective, and it's dear like a life preserver is dear to a drowning man.

 

Dry/Sober/Grateful

 

 

Dry:  Every day's a struggle, every relationship a conflict.

Sober: Every day's a blank slate, every relationship a learning experience.

Grateful:  Every day's a gift, every relationship a chance to feel the deep joy of service.

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

• "When you're going through hell, keep going."  A saying rapidly approaching cliche status, yet no less wise because of that.

 

• I am often reminded, when dealing with difficult people, that it is harder to be them than to deal with them.  This awareness, however, does not make dealing with them any less of a pain in the ass some days.  It does help me reach for compassion though...

 

• Prestige is not self esteem.

 

• Surrender is not acceptance, though you usually wind up doing the former in some way before you can begin to attempt the latter.

 

• Self esteem in not ego.

 

• Knowledge is not wisdom.  Consider:  Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is choosing not to put it in a fruit salad.

 

 

Nothing of me is original

I read this quote and thought it genius.  Then, on the heels of that impression, I realized that it's also true of my recovery; that is, nothing of my sobriety is original, I am the combined effort of every AA I have ever known.

And probably all the rest I haven't, too.

 

Questions via Email: Spouse keeps drinking

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I really enjoy your blog.  I am almost a year sober, and as grateful as I can be to be sober today!

Been married well over fifteen years.  My spouse is a good person, a good partner, very supportive.  But they continue to drink.  I am becoming so resentful that they won't stop even though I know that my sobriety is my own responsibility.  I have asked them to stop even for a couple of days a week but they are not willing.  I am worried for our future.  I guess I don't even know what I want to ask -- magic wands don't work in this situation I suppose.  Do you have any insight when one person gets sober and the other stays in the hopelessness of booze?

Yours Truly,

Resentful Spouse

 

Dear Resentful Spouse,

There's a key piece of information missing in your email, and although germaine to both my answer and your question, strangely it both does and doesn't make any difference, ultimately.  That piece of information is this:  Is your spouse an alcoholic?

Because booze is most definitely not something that in and of itself leads to hopelessness.  Booze leads to conviviality (good word!), relaxation, camaraderie, bonding, romance... it can lower inhibitions for the terminally uptight.  It can take the edge off a difficult day.  Hell, it can even convince some white guys we can dance!  Booze is a social lubricant (but not a sexual one, kids.  Don't get those confused.  Ouch!).

As with anything, used responsibly and in moderation it's fine.

Unless you're an alcoholic.

So your concerns for your future and your idea of your spouse being in a state of hopelessness are either more -- or less -- accurate based on whether or not your spouse is in fact an alcoholic.

AA is not against drinking as an institution.  (Or in one, for that matter.  I know a few people who were wrongly institutionalized, and who really could have used a couple of drinks while they were there -- and god knows when I was in jail a couple of shots of tequila would have definitely taken the edge off.  But I digress.)

What we're about (and by stating this here I'm not suggesting that you don't know this) is offering a solution for people who have tried to stop and discovered that they can't -- that they, in essence, do not have the power on their own to remain sober.  We offer a solution for them to choose if they so desire.

This is a very different thing from people who do not want to stop drinking -- no matter how many people around them think they should, and regardless of the relationship those people have to the drinker.

The facts are, as you lay them out, that your spouse does not want to stop drinking.  Period.

So stop talking to them about it.  Stop mentioning it, stop raising your eyebrows, rolling your eyes, sighing in the kitchen, frowning, lowering the temperature of the room with cold condemnation or silent scorn.

To put it bluntly, and as difficult as this is to both hear and do, I suggest you shut up.  NOT shut up in meetings, or with sober friends or with a sponsor, or in your journal or in your prayer -- just to your spouse about their drinking.

Sorry.

But really, if you don't and your spouse is not an alcoholic you are being a royal pain, and if your spouse IS an alcoholic you are doing far more harm than good by harping on their drinking and how they should stop "for you" in any way, shape or form.

(I know this may read harshly, and it's not my intent to be unkind, but I am moved to be very direct with you.) 

I am sorry, R.S., but you say "you know your sobriety is your own responsibility" but you are not acting like it.  Which means that you're giving lip service to this idea.  You say it but I'm afraid you don't believe it.  For me, the best way to get an idea from my head and transform it into a belief in my gut is both through prayer and 'acting as if.'  As has been said many times by folk wiser than I am, "You can't think your way into right acting, but you can act your way into right thinking."  In my experience I can "act my way into better feeling" too.

Also, I want to say I have never been married (not that I know of, I am, after all, a blackout drinker), nor have I had a relationship that lasted anywhere as long as yours has -- wait, that's not entirely true.  I've had some very long term relationships -- in my mind -- but alas, they don't count.  All of which is to acknowledge that there are murky currents and dynamics in a long term marriage I have no experience of... but, with all disclaimers in place, I fear I see a bit of a disconnect happening.  While I don't think you should be asking your spouse not to drink, even for a couple of days out of the week, I must point out that for someone who's supposedly "very supportive" that's not a particularly supportive position to take.  If I had a partner who I cared about who was on a diet, or diabetic, out of consideration I like to think I would not eat ice cream right in front of them.  Every day.  If I did that would be... let's use the word "insensitive" in lieu of a few others that are equally apt but perhaps inflamatory.

But again, that's a whole other issue, and I only bring it up to nudge you towards maybe exploring some places which might help you look at your marriage and your relationship with fresh eyes.  Alanon, a marriage and family counselor... just someone you can lay some thing out to who might be able to say "Hmmm, have you considered looking at that this way?"

You're right, there's no quick magic for these kinds of things -- relationships are hard.  Sobriety can be hard.  Being a sober drunk around active drinkers is hard.  I applaud you, I cheer you on, I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  None of the issues you are dealing with on a daily basis are simple or easy ones.

Except one:

With the help of a Higher Power and hopefully some folks from the fellowship of AA, all you have to do each day is not pick up the first drink.  That's it.  No matter what your head says, how angry, bored, sad, entitled or indignant you feel; no matter what your spouse says or does, all you have to do is not pick up the first drink.  Period.

And spouses and futures and all the other stuff will get sorted eventually.

If some of that wasn't easy to read, I apologize -- but I am sincere in wishing you the best, and hoping that some of it might have been helpful to you.  Please write me again and let me know how you're doing.

 

All the best,

Mr. SponsorPants

p.s.  And what do we do with resentments?  Anyone?  "We set them on paper."  Write it out, R.S., and you may be surprised at what you find.

p.p.s. Ugh. Sorry, that was smarmy and superior-sounding.  But inventories have helped me enormously over the years, and if you take some time to put your thoughts and resentments on paper in a four column inventory I am certain it will be helpful to you, too.

 

 

And so we come to the end of my first month on this very challenging job...

 

And so we come to the end of my first month on this very challenging job...

A lot of overtime today.  An extra early start and, considering when we started, quite a late finish:  7:00am to 7:00pm.  Some work more, many work less, that's what it was today.  Not a complaint, merely a description.  Context, if you will.

And from today I have this little nugget to share with you:

 

7:15am:  I sit in the office with my boss, going over administrative things, reviewing what she's shown me for the past month.  I think to myself, "She thinks I'm stupid.  I look so stupid to her.  She must think I'm stupid."  Over and over, almost like a drumbeat.  On the heels of those thoughts come: "I am not learning this quickly enough.  This is a terrible situation.  I'm just not cut out for this."

10:15am:  On to different tasks, now I think:  "She really got saddled with me.  She doesn't like me.  She probably is sick of me.  I'm not working out here, and she feels stuck with me."

Kids, really, that is literally what I was thinking, so much so that I had to work hard to both listen to her and pay attention to what I was doing.

One of the things that has come up over the past thirty or so days is that she may go to a different location and, if I work out, I would take over the one we're at now.

At noon she looks at me and says, "Oh Mr. SponsorPants, when we're not working together," (alluding to the idea that she will go to another location) "can we still hang out and text and email and stuff?"

Yeah. I know.

Then, at the end of a long day, we sat down to kick around the past month: "Well, given your experience, we figured you'd be at par on some things, but you're really progressing much faster than we thought or expected on everything else.  There's really nothing negative to say..."

 

Yeah, ok, let's just break that down, shall we?

In my head I'm convinced -- convinced, mind you -- that A) My boss thinks I'm stupid, B) My boss doesn't like me, and C) I'm not "working out" at the job.

The reality seems to be that A) I'm progressing faster than expected, B) my boss enjoys our working relationship to such a degree that it prompts an unsolicited request to keep in close contact should we not be at the same location, and C) there is literally "nothing negative to say."

 

Sometimes there's just no getting around this fact:

 

I.  Am.  Crazy.

 

Is it any wonder that the book Alcoholics Anonymous (AA's Big Book) states, and underscores in a dozen places, "Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body." (Big Book, pg. 23).

Now, at that point in the text what the book is specifically talking about is the "curious mental blank spot" which clouds the memory of an alcoholic who may have had terrible consequences to their drinking but can still find a way to give themselves permission to pick up a drink (thereby activating the "allergy of the body" which is the physical component of the disease, the terrible, biologically rooted drive to drink uncontrollably once one has started).

But the larger point in AA literature, and certainly what (somewhat embarrassingly) applies to me here, is that our perception of ourselves and our relationship with others and with reality as a whole can be seriously skewed to the negative; and that can become fodder for the slide into self destruction.  The thinking I had today is one example of the kind of raw material alcoholism uses to create that curious mental blank spot.

Alcoholics don't "own" skewed or negative or self-obsessive thinking -- plenty of people struggle with that -- it's foolish and grandiose of us to invest in a belief which makes us "special" by being so damaged in this way.

But what we do own is that, without a spiritual connection, it is this warped version of reality we create which is a key trigger to how our alcoholism helps us give ourselves permission to pick up that first drink.

I am sick (sick!) of this toxic, self-obsessed, merry-go-round in my head which fatigue and fear seem to fuel... but today at least I can sit through it, not act on it, and be present for when reality proves quite a bit brighter than the darkness of my thoughts.

I can sit through it because of the relationships I have in AA, and because of the spiritual connection I feel which, although I snarl and twist and whine like a wild dog on a leash, intervenes on my behalf in strange, often subtle, but very tangible ways.

Thank you -- literally the you that are reading this right now, since, through the extended 12 Step family I believe we are truly all connected, all part of this giant lifeboat, no one of us more important than another, but all of us needed, all of us special -- and thank God.

I've spent enough time cursing the Divine lately -- though I like to think I've owned my process (mostly) as I've gone through it -- that it was important to me to put some gratitude in writing again.

Today I am grateful -- certainly for the work, but more so for the awareness and the recovery I have as I sit tight and come out the other side of those dark mental tunnels which seem so real when you're in them, but always just turn out to be addiction messing with my mind, one more time.

But I make it through -- we make it through.