If you were attacked by a shark, or mauled by a bear, you wouldn't say, "Oh, man, why didn't that shark (or bear) take into account how hard I'm trying to be nice!" or "Jeez, you'd think that shark (or bear) would cut me a break, considering the day I've had!" or "That shark (or bear!) is a total asshole for attacking (or mauling) me!"
You wouldn't say that because you understand that it is the animal's instinct at work. It has nothing to do with you that they attacked you; you just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. (Sure, sure, maybe you did something foolish to rile them up a little, but no one is actually seeking to create a shark -- or you know -- attack/maul. You just exacerbated a situation, or were careless about something.)
It helps me to think of spiritually sick people like sharks (or bears. But I'm rather fond of bears, actually, so I don't think of them that way very often). Their toxic behavior, their "attacks" are no more about you than a shark's. You just happened to be in the way of their sick frenzy -- when it comes to behavior they are really no more evolved than an instinct-driven animal. So its futile to expect them to take into account how hard you're trying, or what kind of day you've had, or whatever.
And it's almost (when you look at it this way) silly to resent them. You don't resent the shark (I'm going to stop saying bear - they don't deserve to be a part of this analogy. Forget all the bear stuff. Every time I said "bear" above, just think "rabid dog" now) for attacking you. In certain situations it's what their instincts drive them to do.
Same with spiritually sick people. Their ego and their fear -- their instincts out of balance (as the 12&12 puts it) -- drive them to "attack" in the same way a shark (or rabid dog) attacks.
It's not about you.
It's about them.
You just happened to be the one they bit.
When I can think in these terms I find I'm a lot less prone to expecations, and thus, resentments. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I get bit, but I spend a whole lot less time in my head chewing on all of the "Don't they know..." and "How could they be so..." etc.
It really helps me to think of them this way.
[applause]
Well done.
[applause]
Posted by: Dave | February 11, 2011 at 03:29 AM
When reading your posts, I so often feel like you are sitting in my livingroom, sharing coffee and wisdom with me. Thank you for being part of my recovery. I am learning to be a better person and you contribute to that on a regular basis! Sending much love your way!
Posted by: Julie. B | February 11, 2011 at 07:03 AM
Your post today fits my week perfectly. I've been trying to put things in perspective. This helps so much. Thank you for writing.
Posted by: Let Go, Let God | February 11, 2011 at 09:27 AM
Ran into another "Great Spiritual Teacher," did you, Mr SP? I've always loved that phrase of yours - it reminds me that I cannot always escape being chomped, but that I do have a choice in how I respond. That can feel like cold comfort when I'm gazing at the tooth marks on my leg, but later, I will be grateful.
Posted by: TAAAF | February 11, 2011 at 11:34 AM
I realized this too. I used to take it personally but know that it is not about me. Thanks Mr. SP.
Posted by: Syd | February 11, 2011 at 02:09 PM
Great post, I will use this analogy in future ;)
Posted by: SoberJulie | February 13, 2011 at 02:38 PM