Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Choosing a sponsor

 

 

First, let me say thank you for the kind words in the comments on Friday's post.  Sentiments like that don't go to your head; they go to your heart -- and mine is full of gratitude. 

Of equal importance, however, is to get confirmation that AA blogging and anonymity can work together without violating the incredibly important spirit of our 12th Tradition.  I thought that was the case -- but here I sit some nights, typing away in the dark (well, there are a few lights on, but they're dim -- more flattering that way) and I am all too aware of how people can justify anything to themselves -- alcoholics especially.  I knew it was possible that I had been kidding myself, or crossed a line once I got rolling, or the like. 

Some few people in my day-to-day life know of the blog now, but asking them is not the best litmus test -- there is no way the blog is ever anonymous to them when they read it now.  It is you, the people reading who don't know me, who can offer the best and most accurate assessment on this topic.  So I am grateful not just for the warmth, but for your insights and candor.

 

And now, let's get back to work, shall we?

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm in my first year sober, and after a few slips I feel pretty stable.  I know I better get a sponsor though if I'm going to stay.  I don't think I'm at all reluctant to get a sponsor, I'm just not sure how to choose someone.  I hear stories of people kind of grabbing you and saying "I'm your sponsor!" and that is really not for me.

Any tips?  Whatever you have on the topic would be great.

Sincerely,

Someone's Future Sponsee

 

Dear SFS,

I have two things to congratulate you on!  First is your sobriety:  Go you!  One day at a time, I don't pick up the first drink.  Slips shmips, just live in the fact that today you don't pick up a drink no matter how happy, sad, bored, angry, hungry, horny, lonely, grumpy... wait, I'm about to start naming dwarfs.  You get it.  But rest assured, just because you did relapse doesn't mean you will relapse.  It is not a fore-ordained cycle.  Relapse is not inevitable.  You are sober today.  Full stop.

The other thing I have to congratulate you on is that you are quite possibly the very first alcoholic I have ever met who is not at all reluctant to get a sponsor.

I'm gently teasing, SFS -- what I hear from you is willingness, and that's the one thing you have to bring to the party on your own -- there's help available for everything else.

Let's not over think this, okay?  ("That'll be a first for you, Mr. SponsorPants."  Who said that?  Security!  Security!  Show that troublemaker the door!) 

Here are a few things to remember on choosing a sponsor:

A common description in choosing a sonsor is that you find someone that "you want what they've got."  For me, the best interpretation of this idea is not that you want the details of their life, the "outside" things, as much as it is about some inner qualities someone has that might speak to you.  Now it's fair to say that one's inner life can be reflected to a degree by the shape of the life they've built around them, but in my experience, recovery is measure not by what you drive, but by how you drive it -- I'll do better with someone in an older car who isn't screaming and flipping people off in traffic than I will with someone in a flash car with bad driving manners.  (Doesn't mean that successful people are jerks or "bad" AA's or might not be deeply spiritual in any way though.  And that works in the other direction, too, by the way.  Just because someone's a janitor doesn't mean they're full of warm, folksy wisdom.  Rich = mean/shallow and Poor = spiritual/noble is cheap, simplistic bullshit logic.  I'm only making a rough analogy about looking past the surface when looking for a spiritual guide -- which is ultimately what a sponsor is. )

You're not signing a contract.  You're not trapped by this.  Yes, the idea is that you are willing to take some suggestions offered by your sponsor, but you're not indentured to them.

Just like some people hire a "mean" personal trainer to "make them" work out, some people choose to act on a sponsor's suggestions without question or push-back.  They choose a "tough" sponsor to "make" them work a program.  Nothing wrong with that, but there are many kinds of sponsors, so if that's the example you've seen, rest assured it's only one flavor out of many.  For some sponsor/sponsee combinations trust is gradually established and some breathing room is key.

Your sponsor is a flawed, crazy alcoholic with their own propensity for self obsession, ego and fear.  No one person can be your whole Program.  This can be a great connection and an invaluable sober tool, but it's possible that sometimes your sponsor will just plain be a tool.  So manage your expectations of the poor mortals around you.  If you're waiting to find the "perfect" person you'll never find a sponsor.  You can find the perfect sponsor for you -- but what will probably make them that is how they handle their imperfections.

You don't have to ask someone to be your sponsor to start calling them and asking for help, or talking to them about something that is troubling you, or discussing something from AA you want input on.  It's not about the label as much as it is the dialog and the example. 

Your sponsor is not doing you a favor -- by asking them to sponsor you, you are helping them to practice the 12th Step, and thereby stay sober -- they are sponsoring you so that they stay sober as much as to help you with your sobriety.  So there is no debt, ever.

I guess the best sponsors for me are someone that I respect enough to want their thoughts on something and I'm willing to try what they suggest, but not that I'm intimidated by or scared of, so that I will be afraid to be honest with them for fear of looking bad or "getting in trouble."  (Even though you can't, really -- that's just baggage we all bring to the sponsor party.)  When I was new, though, I was a little afraid or intimidated by just about everyone, so that part was kinda tricky.

Don't get hung up on how much time someone has.  If the right person to sponsor you has two years sober -- or even one -- that's great.  Time sober has NOTHING to do with what might make someone the right sponsor for you.

Finally, maybe give yourself a tentative deadline.  No big pressure thing, but if I don't have a deadline on something like this then I'm just always "going to" do it, but I might never actually get into action...

 

Hope some of that was helpful.  Write back and let me know how it went.

Cheers!

Mr. SP

 

 

 

this entire site turns my stomach

 

 

An anonymous comment, dated February 15th, on my posting "Is AA A Cult?" has given me food for thought for the past week or so since I read it.

Here it is, copy/pasted in its entirety:

 

Whatever happened to the Traditions, Mr. Sponsorpants? Eleven protects us all, and Twelve states that anonymity is the, "spiritual foundation." Those words are not chosen lightly. This entire site turns my stomach and gives me the hee-bee-geebies. Thank Heaven this fellowship is self-correcting, but I have to shake my head at this entire endeavour of YOURS, MR. SPONSORPANTS. People might start to think you speak for the Program. uh.... Please, pray on it, and consider taking it down, and keep it in the rooms. "What you hear here and whom you see here, let it stay here when you leave here!!!" I sincerely feel this site violates the spirit of our sacred fellowship.

 

I've had enough turmoil lately -- and enough fatigue from working some crazy-ass long hours at work now -- that I needed to really take some time before I spoke to this comment -- but I knew I would, since it raises a larger and important question about sobriety, anonymity and the internet.

In thinking about this, and the blog in general (as I close in on almost three years of regular blogging on AA and sobriety), I can see where someone might be very troubled by what I've done here.  (And I am going to limit this to what I've done -- what others have, are, or will do is not something I have control over.  AA has taught me to try to take responsibility for my side of the street, and although I do it imperfectly, I can say that I do consistently try to do it.)

Out of a combination of laziness and a desire not to be repetitive I do not always state, with every entry in which I discuss other AA's in any way -- or anyone else, for that matter -- that, to preserve anonymity, while everything I write here is, to the best of my ability, 100% true, it is not 100% factual.

That is, I work hard to be true to the spirit of a conversation or an exchange or a person or a share or whatever, without giving identifying facts which would break anonymity.  I know I've mentioned before that, to my credit (and the occasional sponsee's chagrin) I have an excellent auditory memory -- that is, I remember what I hear very well.  Thus when I talk about conversations, etc., I believe I am telling the truth -- my quotes are fairly accurate, given a margin for human error.  I may not get something word-pefect, but I fairly provide context and capture meaning.

But what I write about others is purposely, to preserve anonymity, not factual.  That is, if I say I had a conversation with someone (a sponsee, a friend, a co-worker) it might actually (for example) have been two people, blended into one, to convey a point or paint a picture.  Or specific descriptives about someone are not at all factual, but are in fact altered to keep the person anonymous -- though I still try to convey to the reader the sense of a person or situation's dynamic.  (A crude example of that -- and one I've not used in any story which is why I use it here -- is that I might describe someone who had terrible, terrifying table manners as a person who spoke too loudly, and spit a bit when they spoke, over dinner -- you get the sense of a potentially uncomfortable social dynamic over a meal, but the facts have been changed to preserve anonymity.)  I always in some way blur or omit gender, age, time sober, location, etc. (at the cost of some clumsy syntax, but that's the price required to do that.)

If that hasn't been said as often as it should, or been made clear when I've tried to address it, I'll link this entry to the "Who Are You, Mr. SponsorPants?" heading on the right of the site, and hopefully that will feature the information more prominently for anyone who has questions or concerns.  I think it a reasonable assumption that a blog reader, if curious about authorship and/or content, clicks around a little bit. 

As for people thinking I speak for AA, I feel like my conscience is pretty clear on that front.  I've repeated the fact that I do not -- and that in fact no one does -- speak for AA in any way, shape or form on any entry where it is germane to the point(s) being made.

The whole Mr. SponsorPants blog started as an act of service born of my sincere prayer for help.  (And one is always in danger, when thinking that they're acting on an answer to a prayer, of being at the least foolish and at the most dangerous, I think that's important to acknowledge too.)  As with any act of service I have done in sobriety, my ego has occasionally wormed its way in.  At the same time, God gave us gifts to use, and if we're using them in a sincere effort to be of service then using them -- and enjoying using them -- is the right thing to be doing (the "proper use of the will" as the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" says). 

My first sponsor had a beautiful singing voice.  He was, in fact, a professional singer.  Early in my sobriety I told him I was worried that I was "performing" when I shared.  That I was "trying" to be funny.  He asked me if I thought of things to say before I shared, and I truthfully answered 'not very much.'  He asked me if I was trying to be funny on purpose, or it sometimes just came out that way, but I was also just trying to be honest.  I said, again truthfully, that I wasn't entirely sure, but it mostly just came out that way.  Then he asked me if he should purposely sing off-key when we sang "Happy Birthday" to someone taking a cake for a sober anniversary.  Caught off guard by the question I'm sure I said something like 'of course not!'  He said that if he was trying to sing louder than everyone to show off, then that was ego, but if he was singing loudly to help the group's song then that was service -- that he was using the gifts God gave him in service to the meeting.  He put it better than I am now, but the spirit of that idea has always helped me in sorting out using our abilities for service or for ego.  I crack wise when I write to entertain myself more than anything else (also it's just the way my mind works) -- and sometimes it helps people take information in -- or just brighten a day, for God's sake.  (And if I'm occasionally taken too literally rather than in the spirit of fun which is intended... well, half on me for not being clear, and half on the literal taker for having a stick up their ass losing their sense of fun.)  So although sometimes my ego has stepped in, on the whole I think "the spirit of our sacred fellowship" is as much about service and carrying the message as it is anything else.

And while I do not advocate in any way a change to the Traditions or the customs and principles which the fellowship of AA has developed over time and which serve us so well, in the 21st Century how people find and take in information has most definitely changed.

As I understand my AA history (and I have absolutely no doubt that someone will gently correct me if I am mistaken on this) the motivation for writing the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" was two-fold:  First, to accurately record and present AA's 12 suggested Steps and plan for recovery to anyone who might need it, and second, to reach people who might not find their way into an AA meeting -- either from not having one near them or from a fear of being seen at one or whatever.  Also, the personal stories in the back of the Big Book (AA's nickname for the book "Alcoholics Anonymous") were so that people could "hear" other people talk about their alcoholism and recovery and possibly identify. 

I think virtually any writing about AA and sobriety on the internet has the opportunity to do those same things: Accurately quote and present AA's plan for recovery, and share personal experiences about drinking, practicing AA's principles, and living sober, for others to identify with.  (And as anyone with some sober miles under their belt will tell you, the need to identify with other sober AA's -- and be comforted and inspired by them -- does not vanish over time.)

So hopefully this blog can be a part of that larger purpose.  While I want to take personal responsibility for anything here that is problematic regarding AA's traditions, etc., I also want to laud the great extended spiritual family of recovering bloggers -- in every 12 Step fellowship -- who share their experience and wisdom in this fashion -- whether it's every day or only occasionally.  If someone Googles anything 12 Step related they will find a lot of help out there now -- and that's a moving and wonderful thing.

Again I am certain that someone will be glad to correct me if I am greatly mistaken, but I think that carrying the Traditions forward and applying their spirit to a new and ever-changing world of how people find and take in information is not the same thing as violating them.

 

_____________________________________________

 

Hopefully this post has been more demonstrative than defensive -- I gave the comment, the questions it raised for me, and this writing a lot of thought before I brought it to the table.

not achievement

 

 

For this alcoholic, I have been powerfully reminded of late that it is not achievement which brings happiness; it is surrender.

morrison's famous lyric

 

 

 

 

Often very true, Mr. Morrison.

But I'm less threatened

or frightened

or angered

by that

when I'm regularly attending AA meetings

and doing the AA deal as best I can in my life,

one day at a time.

Questions via Email: Court ordered to AA - Why can't people stop going to AA if they haven't had a drink in a while?

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I found your blog while I was Googling a question about being court ordered to AA meetings.  I've been to some (4) and the people are friendly but some of them have been in AA a long time.  Why can't people stop going to AA if you haven't drank in a long time?

Just Wondering

 

Dear Just Wondering,

There are a couple of flip answers I could give you, and while they would make this snappy and fun to read, I'm going to treat your question with the respect it deserves, since for someone unfamiliar with AA it is a perfectly logical question.

Speaking for myself -- which is what people in AA try to do (even if we aren't always good at making that clear) -- I believe that not going to AA meetings would be a very dangerous idea for me, as an alcoholic.  And here's why:

AA suggests that alcoholism as a disease has three parts to it:  Spiritual, Physical and Mental.

In answering your question I want to focus on just the physical and the mental.

The physical part is that when I drink I am unable to guarantee that I will stop -- that there's an actual physical reaction in my body to alcohol that triggers a compulsion to continue drinking.  In other words I do not have the ability to control or modulate how much I drink once I start.  And then, as usually happens when people are blind drunk, stuff happens.  And if you're blind drunk a lot, generally the stuff that happens is not good -- and often goes from not good to bad, and then from bad to worse.  Drunks can have bursts of genius or productivity, that's true, but on a consistent basis most of us do not do well over time.  It's called a "progressive disease" because, in general, as the drinking escalates our lives -- sometimes just our inner lives, but usually the whole mess -- deteriorates.  (Not a lot of Nobel Peace Prize Winners got their recognition from going on a series of benders, for example.)  

This was very true in my case.  When I drank things got bad.

The mental part of the disease of alcoholism is that no matter what, or how bad, things got when I drank, I couldn't really remember with enough clarity that that's what happened when I drank -- or I was unable to perceive that it was the drinking which was a major factor in those bad things happening -- or I would tell myself that I didn't care, or it didn't matter (when it really, really did) -- or some other thing, which, when compared to what happened when I drank, was crazy.

In other words, no matter what happened when I drank, eventually the idea of drinking looked ok for me to do again.

I'm going to make a very gross example to illustrate this idea:

If every time I had a cup of coffee I experienced immediate and explosive diarrhea, it would only take me a few bouts of this cause-and-effect to connect the fact that a mug of java meant a messy and humiliating episode.  No matter how fresh the coffee, or who made it or how good it smelled or where I was or if someone else was buying, or how tired I was or how many people around me were drinking it, I would take one look and think, "Man, I do NOT want to have to jump up and run to the bathroom and clean up and change my shorts again just from having that cup of coffee."  I would always easily remember that drinking coffee = a one-way ticket to sail on the U.S.S. Poo.

(I think getting from there all the way to the "poop deck" joke is too far for too little payoff, don't you?)

When I drink my whole life gets messy shorts.

But without AA, eventually I forget, and think that having a drink is a good idea.  So for me, continuing to go to meetings has nothing to do with how long it's been since I've had a drink, and everything to do with helping me remember what happens when I do.

That, and helping other people who come to AA get the same help I have gotten.

Sometimes people wind up getting arrested for drunk driving and court ordered to AA through a set of unlucky circumstances.  And sometimes this happens to them because they may have a problem with alcohol.  Only you can decide which might apply in your case.

But I urge you to approach your sentence seriously, and AA with an open mind -- since doing those two things can help you see what's true for you.

Good luck!

Mr. SponsorPants

Numbers, measures, milestones, quanitifiers...

 

 

 

Numbers, measures, milestones, quantifiers...

they should guide us;

(and certainly they can be cautionary or celebratory as they do),

but they do not define us in our recovery.

Yet they can be especially tricksome for addicts,

as it takes almost nothing to

start us down the road of

false comparisons and self abuse (self obsession).

You are not your time sober,

or your weight,

or your bank account.

No, really, you're not.

And that isn't just a sweet, sunny, optimistic sentiment.

If you are living life One Day at a Time

via the principles of AA (or other A's),

then it's a fact.

...and then I thought

 

 

I looked across at them and thought, "God, what a royal pain in my ass you are."

...and then I thought,

"Wait. That's not right. I need to be helpful to them. That's it. I need to consider how I can be helpful to them. That's how I do it."

...and then I thought,

"Hmmm.  Maybe I need to get to more meetings."

 

 

 

opinions vs. judgments (again) Part 1

 

SPONSEE:  Wait, how does that go again?  About opinions and judgments?

MR. SP:  I used to think that disagreeing with anything was judging it, but that's not true for me anymore.  Some disagreement is discernment.  God gave me an intellect to use.  I may not make the best use of it all the time, but on good days it's there clicking along, asking questions, reaching conclusions.  So for me, while I'm trying not to be judgmental, that does not mean I have to endorse everything I hear or see.  I'm going to have an opinion.  Thus, basically, my starting point in discernment is that an opinion is when I decide that what you're doing is not right for me (and that's fine); a judgment is when I decide what you're doing is not right for you.  It's inevitable to have an opinion on something.  It's a good place to begin.

SPONSEE:  Starting point.

MR. SP:  Yes.  And that was how I kept from going nuts when I was new and trying not to be judgmental.  It's useful, but kind of simplistic, too.

SPONSEE:  Works for me for now.

 

 

I ask you -- no, really I ask YOU.

 

 

There are two young women at work.  For purposes of this discussion I will call them Hilda and Maureen.  They are of very similar stature and hair color, and about the same age.  They are both very proficient at their job.  Hilda is a somewhat larger personality, whereas Maureen, while no shrinking violet, doesn't take up quite so much "space" in the room.  It is quite common for people to accidentally call Maureen "Hilda" to her face and then go, "Oh, I'm sorry.  Maureen." particularly when work is busy.  Maureen has said, without drama, that it doesn't bother her at all.

She's said it just a tad too much.

I believe that while it doesn't bother her, it bothers her, if you follow me. 

Recently, in a meeting with my boss and a co-worker, I made this observation about Maureen and her being perhaps a bit frustrated or hurt or deflated by this semi-regular occurance.  I suggested that while obviously we all should slow down and get it right moving forward, it would also not be a terrible thing if maybe Hilda was called Maureen, in front of Maureen, once or twice.  That it might make Maureen feel a little less invisible and a little more valued.  (I assure you, it won't make a dent in Hilda's sense of self.)

 

________________________________________

 

A few years ago, at a different job, I used to manage a middle-aged fellow who blogged.  He did not know that I knew he blogged, or that I read his blog.  His blog was very diary-like, very confessional.  He would share his struggles and his battle with depression and his fears and would get some nice responses from friends he'd known in his life but who no longer lived nearby.  (How I came to know of his blog is a long story, and not germane to this one.)  I would read his blog every so often (not every day, but probably scan it every week) and when there was a particular problem he had I would try subtly, behind the scenes, to help.  He was not "favored" at work -- he did not get things he didn't deserve, nor did he get anything at the expense of anyone else.  Just that if (for example) he was feeling especially unhappy about his weight, or the direction of his life, or had a question or frustration, I would try to compliment him in that area, or work into conversation some resource or solution which might be useful.  I saw it as a way to be of service, and maybe as a living amends to the universe for all the unconscsious toxicity I created while drinking. 

If I do say so myself, I was pretty subtle, and it worked to darn good effect on more than one occasion.

Until this very moment I have never told anyone about this.

 

________________________________________

 

When I shared with an AA friend about Hilda/Maureen, and what I suggested to my two co-workers, my AA friend expressed some surprise at this idea -- as if it might be a little much, on my part.  Their reaction really gave me pause, and later that night, mulling it all over, it made me think of Mr. Diary, and what I tried to dowith that situation.

I ask you -- I am literally asking you, the person reading this right now -- are the above examples of a kind of dishonesty?

Manipulation?

Ego?  Control? 

Or is it being sensitive to other peoples issues and challenges, and trying to help the universe feel a little friendlier?  

(And please, I hope you believe me when I say I am asking with no chip on my shoulder.  Do not read any "tone" into the way the above is phrased.  The query is genuine.)

I grant you they are two different situations, but I think there is enough commonality to warrant the comparison and the question.

  

__________________________________________________

I embrace the spirit of rigorous honesty as best I can -- which is actually pretty well, most of the time.  But recently, one night at work, I lied; and in the post I wrote about that evening ( this one ) I didn't express the situation as clearly as I might have.  The work schedule continues to be a tough one, and sometimes when I'm writing now I'm a little fuzzier than I like.  I am deeply committed to putting something new up on Mr. SponsorPants five days a week; that just feels right to me, and I do not question where that impulse comes from, given how I came to be doing this blog anyway.  But sometimes now I'm not sure I make a point clearly as I'd like to -- or maybe I write it clearly enough, but I'm not so clear in my head to begin with.  (I write, I do a re-write to clean it up as best I can, and then I collapse in bed.)

So, to clarify something: The issue -- the problem, in that post -- is not one of stealing.  We give away tons of food.  We donate food daily.  As a benefit of my employment I am allowed to have, for free, as much food as I want.  I'm allowed to order food "To Go" after my shift and bring it home with me.  I can order enough for four and do that -- it is literally described by my employer as one of the cash benefits of my job.  I can come in before I work, eat for free, then eat for free on my break, and then order food to go and have that for free as well.  I can come in on my day off and eat for free.  So choosing to give food to two people who didn't have the money to pay for it is not stealing.  I asked until they told me to stop asking about it if it was okay for me to have as much as I wanted and do with it what I wanted, and I was told yes and yes.

I took to heart what my first sponsor told me a long time ago, that most of the good we do should be done as anonymously as possible, as an exercise in humility.

So, in the moment, not being forthcoming with my boss about giving the food to that needy couple was my tired, mixed-up attempt at keeping a good deed "secret."  (It doesn't feel like 'bragging' here on the blog when I describe something I do -- that's a combination of the fact that I remain anonymous as the author and that I share my mess as much as my message -- maybe moreso.)  That wasn't the problem I was trying to write about.

This was what I was troubled by, and wanted to share:  What surprised me was how easily the lie came to me.  "As easily as breathing" I wrote.  That and the flare of defiance I felt -- and enjoyed -- by being "bad" in this way.  That is most definitely ego, and some other not-so-great things as well. 

I was gratified by the comments -- and the very loving emails -- calling my attention to what a slippery thing this kind of thing can be -- or just plain calling me out on not walking the talk that time. 

That's how we help each other in AA, by lovingly calling "bullshit" when we think it's appropriate.

 

But now I wonder... is the value of an anonymous good deed worth the occasionally dishonest moment to remain anonymous?  Even when that courts the ego?  Is working "behind the scenes" to make someone feel a little better (and it's certainly a question of degree here too -- I'm not talking about organizing full-on flash mobs to cheer someone on, or anonymously leaving recovery literature under the wiper of someone's car.  Just giving things a little nudge is all) an attempt at playing God?  Or is it manipulative in some way?

 

Well?

(To leave a Comment, click the word "Comment" below, or feel free to email me via the link above.)

 

Most of the shadows

 

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (famously quoted)

 

You can move.

AA (loosely summarized)