Dear Mr. SponsorPants,
How can I tell the difference between an inspiration from my Higher Power and just my own Self Will?
Sincerely,
C.
Dear C.,
The Green Lantern movie is coming out soon. Perhaps you've heard about it -- another of the big comic book movie special fx spectaculars. Having been a bit of a sci-fi geek and comic book nerd my whole life (a bit being defined as a passionate consumer of the genre, but I do not own a personalized Star Trek uniform of my very own -- more because I'm not sure it would flatter the figure than for any other reason. I could maybe pull off the Obi Wan caftan, though it would probably get hot... we need more chubby SF characters so I can get my geek on! But I digress. As usual.)
Green Lantern is a dashing hero of enormous power, in that he possesses one of the most formidable weapons in the Universe: His Green Lantern Corps Power Ring, which can basically do just about anything he can think of, and save for a 24 hour recharge cycle and a weakness against the color yellow, is truly a weapon/tool of staggering ability.
If you have the Will to use it.
Aye, there's the rub, C. GL's ring is activated by Will power.
So Green Lantern himself can fly, create enormous emerald green energy constructs and zap bad guys, because he has the Will to do so.
I fear that I, should you slip the power ring upon my finger, would be able to generate at best a fitful, sickly, pea green flicker. I have many talents and gifts, but in the Will Power department I've always felt I come up a little short. (If, by "a little short" you mean practically none.)
But I am clean and sober and honest about it for more than 20 years -- an amazing thing, considering I was a beer-for-breakfast, vodka swilling, drunk driving mess (and I have the liver scarring and police reports to back that claim up). My parents, god rest their souls, always talked about my "Will power" in this, and eventually I stopped trying to explain AA to them. It was my job to understand, not theirs. As I'm sure you know, AA is not about Will power, it is about connecting with a power greater than myself which then gives me the ability to remain clean and sober. (Gosh, put so baldly like that no wonder some are skeptical of us.) The way I connect with that power is via the 12 Steps. (Green Lantern just sticks his ring in his power battery, says a little chant -- yes, I know it by heart. geek, remember? -- and off he flies to thwart evil doers. The 12 Step process, while perhaps a bit lengthier, is no less effective, when you think about it -- it's just that the evil doer I'm thwarting is me.)
But already I'm drifting from your question, C. Because I've started talking about "Will" as in a form of self discipline; the ability to master my impulses and desires, or through sheer "force of Will" create an outcome which suits me. (Please see above reference to "a little bit short" in that department. Thank you.)
I get the sense that you may be talking about "Will" in the context of either what you want vs. what God wants (good luck with that!) or a particular answer to a choice or decision. That is, I want to take the left fork in the road, but that's because there's this thing on that fork I like, but maybe God "wants" me to take the right fork, because that is somehow "good for me" but far less attractive. At the heart of so many of these questions when it comes to the forked road aspect of the God vs. my Will debate, is the basic assumption that my Will is fun but bad, and God's Will is hard but good.
Hrmmm... because God's Will is always hard or puzzling or painful? Okay, in my humble opinion, that underlying belief, which I had and didn't even know I had, is six kinds of messed up.
I'm afraid this discussion will always wash back up on the shore of the "as you understand Him" part of AA's suggested plan for developing a conscious contact with a Higher Power. If I secretly believe (as I have in the past) that God is like some kind of mean school marm, doling out lessons which I must puzzle out, and if I don't I'll be punished and then doomed to another, harder version of the same lesson, then of course my considerations of God's Will vs. my Will are going to be viewed through the harsh, parochial lens of that particular understanding of God; and on some level I will try to find rationalizations -- disguised in recovery-speak -- to do what I secretly want to do, and not what I secretly fear God wants, since that's going to be painful. Oy! What a dark and labrynthian thought process, requiring a certain amount of willful blindness and self subterfuge. (Wait, that didn't work. Subterfugery? If it's not a word, it should be, damnit!). Figure out the lesson and progress to the next round and the next lesson. God's Will as game show. Really? Hrmmm...
I've heard it said sometimes, and it's cute and quick and clever and helpful to a lot of people, that "My will is easy at first and then it becomes hard, God's will is hard at first but then it becomes easy." I've also heard people describe that they know they're "in God's Will" when "everything just flows." Really? While I have had experiences in which the synergy of the Universe feels like it's at work, and things come together with a kind of eerie grace, that view also seems like one in which I am "rewarded" with a lack of trouble by aligning myself with God's Will. God's Will as a path without challenge. Really? Hrmmm...
I remember a man from one of my regular meetings a long time ago, when I was new. He became inspired to move to Africa and work with HIV positive children in the underprivileged parts of that vast continent. (Which is the poetic way of saying I forget where in Africa he went). Publicly I nodded and smiled and agreed with everyone, "Oh yes, inspiring! Beautiful!" Privately I was terrified and appalled. I have a distinct fondness for indoor plumbing and all its uses -- I wanted no part of a God who would some day send me to a scary place to do hard work. In short, "noble" versions of God's Will are great for you, but I'd like the Western, "fabulous" version of God's Will please. You go to Africa, I'll host a top rated syndicated talk show. Go God! What? There's no rich-and-famous contract in my mailbox today? You suck, God! God's Will as cash and prizes. Really? Hrmmm...
In the Big Book it states that it is God's Will for us to be "happy, joyous and free." Damn, that sounds nice. Unfortunately what I think will make me happy is often not a very good decision, long term... so I somehow find myself back at the "my Will -- that is, what I want -- is weak and bad for me." When I was new to AA that was not far from the truth -- all I wanted to do was run, hide and drink. Fun. I was a fear-based life-form. Now I'm a different sort of man, but still prone to the evil machinations of my "ism."
Your question is exactly 14 words long. And it sums up the totality of humanity's dance with our individual and collective ideas about God. After all, the Crusades were supposed to be God's Will too, if I'm not mistaken.
How can you tell the difference? Maybe there isn't one. And by that I mean, God seems to work as efficiently through my selfish foibles, mistakes and character defects as through my assets... not to get to hall-of-mirrors Zen on you, but maybe it's God's Will that you make the mistake of indulging your Will? Oy!
Words words words a storm of words. Hopefully I've been able to offer you at least some new ways of considering this question -- today if I try to offer a "simple" answer to this big question, some pithy saying which contained a real truth but was too general to do more than comfort, I would feel like I was being flip and false.
But I would do you a powerful disservice if I could not offer some concrete suggestions, some things I've tried to use over the past sober years as I keep trudging the Road to Happy Destiny. (And I'll tell you a secret, C. The Road to Happy Destiny is a spiral, so as you travel it you both do and don't come back to where you were... Cool, huh? It's positively Zentastic! Not a word again? It should be!)
When you're trying to discern whether it's dysfunction or Divnity talking, here are some of the questions I ask myself:
Where in this am I coming from Fear and where in this am I coming from Love?
Who will be hurt if I choose A and not B. Vice versa?
Do I have a sense of entitlement at work in any of this decision/thought process?
Am I trying to control something or avoid something that I shouldn't be trying to control or avoid?
Am I hiding any bad motives under good ones in this?
Is there anything secretive about this? Am I being dishonest about something in this decision/thought, either literally or spiritually?
Am I, in any way, placing my sobriety at risk?
I do better if I literally write those questions out and then write out the answers to myself, after some real, quiet thought. Time and again I have found that answers are dispensed from the end of a pen that I could not have come to by thinking alone.
Also, and this is just as important, talk about it with people. Sometimes I just have to hear my thinking spoken aloud to recognize it for the foolishness that it is. (And sadly I discover that the amount of foolishness I muster on some days is not much reduced from when I first walked into an AA meeting. Progress not blah blah blah.)
Since these things and questions and ideas are often addressed from a variety of directions in the 12 Step experience, I've done a lot of writing already which might give you further insight. If nothing here was helpful, I hope something in these might be:
Illuminating what you secretly believe
... don't sentences like that make you want to vomit?
Good luck boxing with God, and remember, truly, the most important thing:
If, by the end of the day, you don't drink or use or kill yourself, you win, and the rest of this crap will just have to work itself out. Sobriety is ALWAYS the priority.
Cheers!
"My point, and I do have one..." :>
I'm guessing you no longer believe "that God is like some kind of mean school marm, doling out lessons which I must puzzle out, and if I don't I'll be punished and then doomed to another, harder version of the same lesson." Neither do I.
I do think that whatever we avoid dealing with (or shove our will against, in our own bumbling way) comes back to us for more practice in dealing with it. :>
My sponsor used to tell me there were no wrong answers, to proceed as the way opened, that more would be revealed, and that I was right where I was supposed to be with this hard decision.
Which was maddening. But today I understand what she was saying. And today I can face a tricky decision and ask myself if I'm working my program, if I'm being honest, and if my ability to be kind extends to myself.
Today I also think of God as the best and kindest in all of us, helping each other through. That doesn't mean some decisions aren't hard. Easy does it.
Posted by: Suzanne | December 29, 2010 at 09:25 AM
love the questions. falls in the "things that make ya go hmmmm" category. I especially liked "what am I trying to control or avoid". Thanks for the insight.
Posted by: Annie Mouse | December 30, 2010 at 12:00 PM