Mr. SponsorPants

a three fold disease -- but the best friendships in the world

They asked for newcomers in the meeting to introduce themselves, and an old friend I was sitting next to snorted into his coffee.

"What's that about?" I asked.

"Nobody gets sober at this time of year." he said.

"Wow, you're just a little sunbeam for baby jesus today, aren't you." I offered.  "What's the matter, feeling the pinch at your belt from all your feasting, and deciding to take it out on the rest of us?"

"You're the one wearing sweatpants." he snapped.

"It's cold!"

"Uh huh."

"No, seriously," I pressed on, "people get sober around the holidays."

"It's a three-fold disease." he lifted his chin, stroking his beard and using his best Elder Statesman tone.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I'm aware, thank you.  Physical, mental and spiritual."

"Actually," he looked at me sideways, "I was thinking more Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years."

I laughed, "I like hanging out with you."

"Thank you!"

"Yes, when we're together, by comparison I look younger and less cynical." 

"Perhaps," he tilted his head.  "But not thinner."

"Oh, very, very good."

"Thank you."

"You realize I'll be putting salt in your coffee the next time we go to Starbucks."

"But of course.  Prankery is the last refuge of those who can't respond in kind."

"I want you to know," I said warmly, "if you drink, I won't judge you."

"I'm not going to drink." he said.

"A boy can dream."

"Oh no." he said, "I won't drink because then you would have more time than I do, and I cannot abide that idea.  No, not one bit."

"It's not a contest." I said.

"In general, you are most correct."  He put his hand on my shoulder "but between us?"

"A contest.  Yes.  I know.  More coffee?" I asked, using Winning Smile Number 5.

"Yes, but I'll get it myself, thank you."

"Curses, foiled again." 

He's my best sparring partner, and we've saved each other's lives more times than either of us can bother to count.

There are many kinds of friendship in the world, and all of them make life a little easier to bear -- but there's a special quality with old AA friends.  Not wanting to alter that bond has, on occasion, gotten me through some tough, tough nights.

If you are new, stay sober, and you will find yours, too.  They happen gradually -- but often the things which grow slowly are the most durable.

 

Don't let

 

 

Don't let

the imaginary person in your head

keep you from

being happy.

 

 

(Fortunately, after a lot of meetings and writing and step work, I can usually recognize it and then know what to do about it.)

I tried! I tried! Believe me, I tried...

 

 

LOL

Thanksgiving: Gratitude Day. And still, my arm's too short to box with God

 

Mr. SponsorPants:  Well God, it's Gratitude Day.

GOD:  Yup.

Mr. SP:  And, although I know I can essentially bring anything to You, I have a question that feels kind of... well, kind of stupid.

silence for a few moments

Mr. SP:  Ummm, God?

GOD:  Yes?

Mr. SP:  Aren't you going to say something encouraging like, 'There are no stupid questions' or 'yes, you can bring everything to Me' or something like that?

GOD:  No.  I don't think so.  You know I really don't go in for responding to you when you're being passive/aggressive like that.

Mr. SP:  God!  Err, I mean the exclamation, not You, but... God!  That is so... you know, sometimes maybe I need a little encouragement.  Sometimes maybe I'm frightened and I need a little reassurance.  Needing encouragement is not being passive/aggressive you know.

GOD:  Yes, I know.  You're right.

Mr. SP:  Ha!  So there!

GOD:  Needing encouragement or reassurance is not being passive/aggressive.  Being manipulative in your statement so that you can get that encouragement... now that's passive/aggressive. 

Mr. SP:  <sigh>  How come when I start to talk with you about something else we often take these left turns?

GOD:  Because you're driving?  Just ask your question, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  Okay.  I wonder if sometimes I'm doing gratitude... wrong.

GOD:  You certainly come up with a constant stream of new and inventive ways to make yourself feel bad about yourself, Mr. SponsorPants, that's for sure.  How on earth could you do gratitude 'wrong'?

Mr. SP:  Well, sometimes I find my way into gratitude by <mumble mumble mumble>.

GOD:  What?  Speak clearly.

Mr. SP:  Sometimes I find my way into gratitude by looking at the misfortunes and challenges other people have, and I'm grateful that is not my lot -- that I do not have their problems.  That I do not suffer as they do or have to face down the things they must.  And that seems... I dunno, just... like the wrong way to go about feeling grateful for what I have.

GOD:  Ah.

silence for a few moments

Mr. SP:  That's it?  'Ah.'  All that and all you give me is 'Ah'?

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants, I have a question for you, too.  Do you feel pleasure at the misfortunes of these others that you're comparing yourself to? 

Mr. SP:  What?  Of course not.  I mean, sometimes if it's a person that has really challenged me in the past...

GOD:  One of your Great Spiritual Teachers, you mean.

Mr. SP:  Yes.  If someone's been an arrogant schmuck, and they get a little egg on their face, maybe I feel a sense of cosmic justice, but I don't actually enjoy anyone's hardships, no.

GOD:  So you just use other people's challenges, their paths, as a frame of reference for yourself, a way to see what you have.

Mr. SP:  Yes.

GOD:  Okay then.

Mr. SP:  Okay what?

GOD:  You're not asking if that's a wrong way to find gratitude, you already think it is, and you want maybe confirmation, or absolution and maybe instruction.

Mr. SP:  Do other people get a headache when they talk to You?  'cause I'm starting to get a headache.  I thought it was a simple question and...

GOD:  The question is simple.  You're the complicated part.

Mr. SP:  Is that... kind of a compliment?

GOD:  No.

Mr. SP:  oh.

GOD:  Gratitude is, indeed, seeing what you have, and what you are spared, yes.  Whether you do that via comparing yourself to others' misfortunes, or through a more positive view of whatever bounty you have doesn't really matter.  The point is more that you are training yourself to perceive your life and your circumstances differently; to see the gifts in your life for what they are.  When you don't see what you have, you're focused on what you lack -- and when you do that, you are generally in Fear, and it is then much harder for you to hear Me.

Mr. SP:  oh.  So gratitude isn't about feeling good really, it's more about being able to see and hear You a little better.

GOD:  Pretty much, yes.

Mr. SP:  And so... as long as I'm doing that, it's okay however I get there.

GOD:  Bravo, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  See, God, if you stick with me, I get it eventually.

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants, I have never, not for one single solitary moment, doubted you.  You on the other hand...

Mr. SP:  I know, I know... work in progress, God.  Work in progress.

GOD:  I know.  I know.  Happy Gratitude Day, Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  You too, God.  You know, for a somewhat trite literary construct, these exchanges are very helpful and surprisingly emotional for me sometimes.

GOD:  I know that, too.

Mr. SP:  Of course you do.

By request, during this holiday week: The Problem With Gratitude - encore

 

 

By request:

 

The Problem With Gratitude

an encore presentation

Questions via Email: Self Esteem

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've heard this before: "If you want to develop self esteem do estimable things..."

Can you speak to someone who has little self esteem but is constantly doing estimable things?  Living a thoughtful and purposeful life?

Just wondering, because I'm struggling.

Wondering and Struggling.

 

Dear Wondering and Struggling,

A lot of Big Things in a brief email, Wonder.  I'll do my best to offer some thoughts and suggestions.  As with all AA ideas, take what you like and leave the rest.

First, let's try and make sure we have some clarity on what we mean by the term "self esteem."  If you go to Wikipedia and look it up you get a comprehensive and lengthy discourse on what it is, when the idea of it came into the realm of psychology and behavioral science, how it's measured, etc., etc.  After wading through much of the article I returned to the top of the page and a brief statement made at the beginning of the piece.  To paraphrase a little:  Self esteem is a combination of beliefs and emotions we have about ourselves.  They can be specific, about one attribute we may have ("I believe I am a good dancer") or they can be more global ("I believe I am a good person").

Speaking more personally, my journey into healthy self esteem was a gradual one.  It began with an absence of guilt, anxiety and general self-loathing, and eventually blossomed into self forgiveness, self respect and self love.  All this was directly linked to the estimable act of not drinking or using drugs one day at a time.  For me that was an enormous achievement, and every day that passed sober was another little brick in the foundation of my budding self esteem (perilously close to mixing metaphors there, I know.)

So I'm going to assume that when you say "has little self esteem" you mean that you are troubled by some form of self loathing, be it free-floating anxiety or specific, self-abusive thinking (stuff like "God! Why did I say that!  I'm so stupid!").  Or perhaps you just feel a general malaise, and struggle to see anything good not only in yourself but in the world around you... or some combination thereof.

One thing to consider, Wonder, is that there may be a biological source to some of this.  If you are relatively new to sobriety (in the first year or so) please remember that it can take a fair amount of time for brain chemistry to return to normal.  Alcohol is a depressive.  Different kinds of amphetamines will spike your endorphins to such a wild degree that your brain takes a long time to begin producing them again.  And of course if depression runs in your family you may have an organic, hereditary component to the problem.  Look at your using history and your time sober and consider that you may just have to wait for a bit for your brain chemistry to catch up with the rest of your sobriety.  If you think you may have a clinical issue, go to a medical professional and talk with them about it.  AA appropriately suggests that people suffering from clinical depression seek counsel from qualified medical professionals.  I couldn't agree with that more.  I would only add that not every medical professional is at the same level of understanding when it comes to addicts in recovery, and you should perhaps get more than one opinion.  Medication is the right tool to add to your recovery arsenal if you have a real biological issue which requires medication.  Medication just so you can "feel better" on the way to getting better is a more complicated thing, and is maybe something to be cautious about.  As an addict I'm very vulnerable to linking the ideas that the only way I can feel good is to take something.  If a person doesn't suffer from some form of legitimate clinical depression or other equally identifiable, diagnosable brain chemistry imbalance, then that's probably just not true.

People who are doing all the right things to feel better about themselves but still suffer from low self esteem might be dealing with fallout from trauma -- maybe in their childhood.  If a person grew up under a deluge of constant criticism or mental/emotional/physical abuse, sobriety can actually make the pain and difficulty of such a background more acute, since they're no longer self medicating and there's no booze buffer to dull the pain and suppress the false negative beliefs about themselves.  For many of us an inventory with a trusted sponsor helps get those things out into the light so we can begin to get better.  For others though, a therapist of some kind is a good adjunct to step work, and a way to uncover and deal with previously suppressed issues.

Finally (and here's the tough part, Wonder, I'm sorry) for some of us -- and I'm NOT saying this is you -- we assume the mantle of wounded bird as a way to draw people in.  Or we "constantly" self sacrifice to an inappropriate degree and then martyr ourselves as part of some doom-loop melodramatic persona we use to protect ourselves or make ourselves feel important.  And I think just like if you never scratch off the lottery ticket you never risk losing, some of us resist feeling better so that we then can't get disappointed or hurt.   

Some of the above might apply to you, or none.  But regardless, here are some specific things you might try:

Affirmations -- especially as a part of a daily prayer and meditation.

Exercise.  You don't have to go to the gym.  Put on some happy music and dance around the living room for 20 minutes every day (if you really, really want to feel better, I suggest getting out the vacuum cleaner, take off all your clothes, put on some high heels, crank up some old Motown and vacuum the living room.  The combination of feeling naughty and silly and productive is powerful mojo against feeling terrible about yourself.  I am 100% serious about this.)

Share more in meetings about the problem you're having.

Write letters to God asking for insight and direction on this problem, and then imagine what God might say in return and write the answer to yourself.

 

If you put "How to develop self esteem" in Google and hit "search" you get back 20,800,000 results in about .012 seconds. 

You're not alone in this, and there is a lot of help out there.

Please be gentle with yourself, be patient with the process, and remember, if you're a sober alcoholic with a problem, and you drink, well... then you have two problems.

The imagined "quick relief" that it sometimes looks like drinking will give you is a lie, fueled by your alcoholism.  Stay close and keep coming back.

I was consumed with self-loathing when I got sober, and while I still have my issues I am very greatly recovered on that front. 

I hope some of this was helpful, and please write me again and let me know how you're doing.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

not a toll

AA offers a spiritual path founded on the idea of a Higher Power as YOU understand them.  I'm afraid though, that sometimes there is nothing more irritating, ridiculous or confusing than some recovering alcoholic nattering on about their personal belief system of how God and the Universe work.  With that passive aggressive judo disclaimer in place, I'll share with you what came to me this morning -- but please, if you're new, or not-so-new, remember that one man's Higher Power is another man's Hocus Pocus.  As with all of my blog entries, I offer them only in the hope that they might be helpful to someone.  They are not meant to be taken as anything beyond that.

___________________________________________________________________

 

Inside, hidden underneath some rocks, (of which there are a multitude in my head, I assure you) I had a sneaky, secret anger at God.

I had been reflecting on all the wonderful things I'd seen with so many of my sponsees over the years.  One common element among them was that when they were facing a grave and frightening difficulty -- an appearance in court, a job review from a hostile boss, a punishing and difficult family meeting -- when staring down the barrel of such things, if they became truly willing to accept whatever the outcome -- in other words, to accept God's will -- things seemed to... flow.  I'm not saying that every situation ended in rainbows and unicorns, but the outcome was positive.  Usually very positive. 

Recently my own bad patch was relieved when I grudgingly gradually became willing.  And the more willing I became, the better results I seemed to get from my actions.

Perversely, this just fed my secret anger.

I viewed God as charging a tariff on good fortune.  Willingness was the coin one must pay to move forward -- like a toll -- and when you'd paid enough, then the way would become clear.

This morning in the shower, chewing on this line of thought, grumbling to myself about how mercenary God was in this regard, it came to me that so often when I have a problem with how I think things work I'm looking at it all backwards.  (Perhaps I'm Spiritually Dyslexic?  Might we coin that diagnosis here?  And you know I mean no disrespect.  Dyslexia is ton funny.)

I tried to turn my thinking around:  If it's not that willingness is a "requirement" from God to "get" a good result... then... the opposite of that might be... what?  What happens when I am the most willing?

I thought about it.  On reflection, the greater my willingness, the less my fear.

Huh.  Okay.

When I'm facing a grave challenge and I am unwilling -- unwilling to surrender, unwilling to try to do things differently, unwilling to turn the result over to God -- then I am in the most fear.  So... (I was thinking very hard now, and the conclusion burst upon me like a fireworks display) it's not that God is "requiring" anything, it is that my unwillingness leaves me in fear which renders me unable to accept what God is trying to give me!

(I swear, there may well have been a light bulb appearing above my head at that very moment.)

Thus, when I am entirely willing I am entirely ready, and in a state to receive that Divine aid which usually leads to the best possible outcome(s).

Its not that God is requiring me to pay a toll to get a result, it's that I am preventing myself from accepting what God's trying to give me.  More simply put: God's not witholding, I'm blocking.

Oh.

Well that changes everything.

 

tried and true

 

 

If you want to develop self esteem,

do estimable things.

 

Old behavior brings old feelings -- new behavior brings new feelings.  So if you want to feel differently, behave differently.

 

I cannot think myself into right acting, but I can act myself into right thinking.

 

 

Sober Texting 7

 

THEM:  Grrr!

ME:  U are very poor at starting conversations via text.

THEM:  Really angry today!!! Everyone sucks!!!

ME:  Ok.

THEM:  What, no wise suggestion? No snappy comeback?

ME:  Just an observation.

THEM:  What.

ME:  3 things: 1. U use too many exclamation points. 2. U are not just angry, u are sarcastic. 3. U have a chip on your shoulder that is effecting your hearing.

THEM:  ...

ME:  Let me guess. Something is not going the way u want.

THEM:  Good guess.

ME:  I lied. 

THEM: ???

ME:  U are an alcoholic - So that wasn't a guess. It's a given.

THEM:  Seriously, what should I do?

ME:  U have 2 choices if u are alcoholic and u stop drinking.

THEM:  What r they?

ME:  Get better or get bitter.

THEM:  There's the snappy comeback! Knew u would have one!

ME:  No less true for it, though.

THEM:  Srsly, what should I do?

ME:  U don't need me to answer that question. Your problm isn't that u don't know what to do.  Your problm is that u know what to do and u don't want to do it.

THEM: ...

ME:  Isn't about me showing/telling u what to do -- u know. It's about willingness. And I can't help u with that.  U have to find that on your own.  Sorry.

a few minutes go by

THEM:  How come what I think you're going to say is never what u wind up saying?

ME:  Beats me. But I know one thing.

THEM: ?

ME:  When u start getting that right I won't have to hit these little keys so much anymore. So hurry up.

THEM:   :-P

 

act as if

 

My mother was fond of urging her sometimes unruly offspring to "rise to the occasion." (This exhortation would be accompanied by a gentle smile, a lifting of the chin and a slow swoop of her hand upward, as if by these demonstrations she could elevate our behavior.  Poor woman, she generally had a better grasp of reality than that.)  It was her version of "act as if" as in, "Please try to act as if you're not a pain in the ass spoiled brat right now."

"Acting as if" as in "acting as if you are calm, serene, sober -- okay" is a smart strategy when you feel like your insides are unravelling, the black hole is sucking you down, and each breath wants to turn into a panicked gulping of air.  "Acting as if" is not being dishonest, or phony.  It's a coping tool to use when going to pieces is only going to make things worse.

And this is an important distinction for me:  It's not stuffing how I feel (a dangerous thing for this alcoholic to do) so much as it is consciously deciding to stand firm in maintaining a calm demeanor, and not be swept away by the titanic tsunami of Freak Out surging inside me.

This challenge -- and this idea -- is hardly unique to alcoholics, nor is it the sole provenance of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I think, though, that alcoholics are the one group who believe we deserve a medal every time we do it.