Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Quick Q's & A's

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What is your definition of "doing a geographic?"

If I am moving to start or stop doing something that I don't have to move to start or stop doing, or if I am moving to make a "fresh start" but running out on people or obligations in order to do so -- to me that's a geographic.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

13 Stepping?  Is that having sex with people in AA?

Yes and no.  In my opinion, 13 Stepping is when I invite someone over to read the Big Book but then I hit on them.  Just straight up, honest flirtation and/or propositioning someone else in an AA meeting is not 13 Stepping per se, because you're being honest about your motives and desires.  Now, hand-in-hand with that, however, is the fact that people who are new to AA are generally quite vulnerable, and might be seeking approval or escape or trying to compensate for some other issue, and it is a kind of 13 Stepping to hit on newcomers as well.  We offer the hand of fellowship to the newcomer, not the crotch of fellowship.

If you're hitting on newcomers, knock it the hell off.  Go cruise an Emergency Room, it's virtually the same thing -- it's just that our injuries are on the inside.

Oh, and if a newcomer is hitting on you, get a clue.  They're not showing you their interest, or their sexuality... they're showing you their damage.  Take the opportunity to set aside your own ego, whatever need for validation may come up when it happens and your own sex drive to show that in AA, you don't have to take off your pants to get the hug or to get help.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

My sponsor doesn't seem to have time for me.

Whether they're genuinely swamped or avoiding being of service, it might be time to look for another sponsor.  Before you do, address this issue very specifically with them.  Say what you said in your email.  If they get defensive, it's probably time to look for another sponsor.  If they offer an explanation, and commit to doing a better job, it might be worth sticking with them, if it's been a good fit in the past.  If they can't follow through, though, then... time to start looking.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What do you say when you fire an unwilling sponsee?

I'm not a fan of the word "fire" -- though I understand how it became efficient shorthand for letting a sponsee go.  You were specific in talking about an unwilling sponsee -- in such a case, I say something very much like this:

"You deserve a sponsor that calls you to action.  None of my suggestions seem to do that for you, so it's likely I'm not the right guy.  You should find someone who will do that for you."

Half the time -- more than half -- they'll say something like "Oh no!  Please still sponsor me!  I'll do better...".  If in your gut you think they might, then maybe give the deal another chance.  But if, in your gut, you know it's highly unlikely that they'll get into action, then you are of much better service sticking to your decision.  They will probably take their next sponsor relationship much more seriously, and that can only be a good thing.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've read a lot about the success/failure rate of AA, and it doesn't seem to be a very effective way to stay sober.

I'll ignore the somewhat baiting tone in the body of your email and pull this out to address -- if I have mischaracterized what you wrote, I apologize, even though you and I both know I did not.  I have seen a lot of different stats on this topic.  As with all statistics the results seem to vary based upon what and how something is measured.  For example, if you were to measure "came to AA and then never drank again" vs. "came to AA, had a relapse, came back and stayed sober" vs. "came to AA, slipped around for a couple of years, then stayed sober" you would have three very different statistical measurements which would, in and of themselves, be as accurate as the math could make it, yet give three very different interpretations of AA's effectiveness.  Not all medicine works for all diseases.  Not all medicine works with the first treatment.  Sometimes people have more than one illness and the one impedes the healing of the other.  AA has many supporters and many detractors.  Both sides are equally able to seize upon some set of stats to support their bias -- but that has nothing to do with AA.  That's just human nature.

Going to the gym has never really worked for me as a way to get in shape.  You know why?  Even though I bought a membership, I don't go to the gym.  So obviously, gyms are not an effective way to get in shape.  I saw some statistics on how many fat people in America have gym memberships vs. how many go vs. how many go for a little while then give up and are still fat.  Against the backdrop of all that, it sure looks to me like gyms don't work.  But some of those gym members who go and work out and stick with it get in better shape -- and they have the nerve to tell me that if I did that I would too!  Obviously they're wrong and deluded, and there is possibly something very sinister at work. 

 My direct experience is that for people who are real alcoholics and who follow the body of AA's suggestions to the best of their ability and work all 12 Steps, their alcoholism is arrested and they are able to maintain physical sobriety -- and from those two things mental, emotional and spiritual sobriety follow.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've switched around among sponsors a lot.  I mean, I've had four different sponsors.  Is that too many?

Four in fourteen years?  Probably not.  Four in four weeks?  Mmmmaybe.  Sponsors are like shoes.  Try them on and walk a little.  If it's a good fit you'll know in short order, and they can take you far.  If not... not.  Ask yourself, when switching sponsors, if there's something going on you're not looking at (fear of judgment, problem with authority -- even though a sponsor is not an authority in any way -- etc.).  Talk to some third parties in AA whom you like and know you and get their take on whether you're just finding the right fit or avoiding something.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've heard some people say that ________ says to work one Step a year.

I've heard that said about different people and places myself.  I don't know whether the people who say that the people who say that are quoting accurately or not.

All I can tell you is that if I did the Steps at the rate of one a year I'd be dead now.

No, really.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm addicted to _________ more than alcohol, but I was told to go to AA because it's like the "mothership."  Even though I don't really identify, should I still go to AA meetings?

In the early days of OA (Overeaters Anonymous) I'm told that some of the members went to AA speaker meetings to hear people discuss long term experience with the 12 Steps.  While I don't know if that is factually accurate, I can see how it might be helpful for them to have done so.  For myself, to support friends or to learn about other issues, I've been a visitor in meetings for a number of different 12 Step Programs, and when people were talking about their Step work and recovery I could usually identify, but when they were talking about their addiction... not always.  In my humble opinion, the miracle of 12 Step healing starts with the process of identification.  And that is not an intellectual process.  When I first came to AA I didn't need to hear an abstract discussion of addiction -- when I was new, I needed to hear specifically that these people drank the way I drank.  Eventually one develops the ability to listen more deeply, with the heart and not just the ears -- but I wasn't able to do that when I was new.

Putting it another way, I couldn't have gotten sober sitting in meetings of Gambler's Anonymous (for example), even though today I might find some good information from listening in a G.A. meeting.

Go where you will hear people specifically talking about what you did.  Make sure you always have a connection to that specific program -- not only for the beginning of your recovery, to identify and build a solid foundation for yourself -- but so that you can then help the other newcomers who will follow you.  If you also find recovery in AA, great, then of course come to AA too.  Come to AA also, but not instead of.

And if you mean literally you do not identify as an alcoholic, meaning, you are not able or willing to say "I'm _______ and I'm an alcoholic" because it does not feel right and honest for you, I respect that -- but please respect the difference, then, between Open and Closed AA Meetings.  An Open AA Meeting is for anyone who would like to attend, though the meeting itself may request that only alcoholics participate (read, speak, share) in the meeting -- but anyone is welcome to attend.  A Closed AA Meeting is for alcoholics only.  In virtually every city I've been to there are many more Open Meetings than Closed, so I'm sure you'll be able to find one, if that's what's right for you.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Are you dressing up for Halloween?

Halloween is the one day I'm not in costume.  It's the rest of the year I look frightful.

 

Cheers!

 

a slight departure from my usual format: Info on meditation

 

It is my habit, driven equally I'm sure by my AA experience and my ego, to post predominantly my own writing here on Mr. SponsorPants.

But I thought these were both interesting and helpful -- and certainly in keeping with the spirit of Step 11.  So take a break from "my" voice and check these two links from CNN's "Belief Blog":

 

Can meditation permanently change your brain?

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/10/26/can-meditation-change-your-brain-contemplative-neuroscientists-believe-it-can/

 

How to Meditate at your desk.  A 2 minute, instructive video:

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/10/27/zen-at-your-desk-how-to-meditate/

 

As always with things like this, if the link does not work, copy/paste into your browser.

Hope you find something helpful in the above.

Cheers!

A Letter to my Dead Sponsor

Over the course of 20+ years, I have had six sponsors.  My first sponsor, who helped me feel safe and welcome, I had for almost two years (he was a big help when I started working in sobriety).  Sponsor Number Two was a quickie -- they moved to another state for a job shortly after I started working with them.  Sponsor Number Three was the Sarcastic Sponsor (this one) and although he was a tough old bird he was just what I needed at the time.  He sponsored me for a few years till it was I moved who moved.  Sponsor Number Four was also somewhat brief -- another case of moving for a job shortly after we started working together.  So I was maybe five or six years sober when I got Sponsor Number Five, a man named John S.  (He's been dead some years now, so I'm putting a name to him.)  He sponsored me for probably close to a dozen or so years, and if you dusted me for prints it is his fingers you would find had shaped so much of my sobriety and how I sponsor people.

I'm a twice-lucky man:  I had a good Dad, a man who was a solid tent pole in my family -- a guy with a big laugh and a big heart, who, although truly baffled and more than a little frightened by his son's terrible alcoholism and self-destructive bent, never fully gave up on me (though if he had, no one could truly have blamed him).  But I also had a powerful spiritual mentor in John S., who in many ways, as much as my own father, helped me become the man I am today.

This is the anniversary of his passing.  I do not miss him more today, but only because I miss him every day.

 

Dear John,

I say it often enough (every time I mention you, in fact):  I miss your wise counsel every single day of my life.

I've no doubt that you're enjoying Eternity, in whatever fashion we find it.  You always struck me as "in on the joke" -- whatever mad sense of humor seemed to infuse your understanding of God, The Universe and Everything -- you chuckled a lot more than you winced or sighed.

I guess today of all days I needed to invoke you, to sit and conjure you up from the hundreds of memories of the many thousands of hours you spent listening to me, talking with me (never at me) and yet brooking none of my nonsense.  (Would it have killed you to brook just a little? No? Okay, okay.  I learned very early on that you were right a lot more than I ever was.)

I have been privileged -- a word that gets thrown around a lot, but truly, privileged -- to sponsor a lot of people as I've stayed sober.  You always said it was going to be a big part of my path.  And it was you who really taught me how to do that, you know; you who gave me the bones upon which I built that part of my sobriety:  How to be a sounding board, an ear, a shoulder, a pathfinder, and once in a great while, a coach or even a cop.  And by teaching me how to be of service in that most unique way you gave me the chance to feel something Big move through me.  (I was going to write "feel the Hand of God on me" but if I did and you were sitting across from me reading this, I know you'd have gotten to that phrase, paused, smoothed your toupee a little bit, taken a hit on your cigarette, raised your eyebrows and given me That Look which said so much; salty and direct but never unkind or judgmental.  So okay, it's a bit high flown, to say that -- but although it's the kind of thing crazy people say before they try to make you take their pamphlet or start a war or something, it also has a spooky little bit of truth to it, too.)

So that gift alone, beyond the time you spent with me, helping me, is valuable beyond measure.

But if you're checking in on my deal at all from The Great Wherever (and I don't want to assume or anything... but just, if you are...) then you know I hit a rough patch there for a bit recently. 

It got a little dark in my head, as it seems to every five or six years or so.  (Remember this and this?  I know!  Me too!)

Because you helped me get through it before, I knew I could get through it again -- what's more I knew what to do, and thanks to the good habits you helped groove pretty deeply I was able to.

You were a funny, irascible, curmudgeon of a fellow, a dreadful alcoholic who gave unstintingly to me, without expectation or reservation (setting the bar for me on that, too).

I honor my debt to you by trying as best I can to pass along to others what you so freely gave to me.

And when I do -- or even just try to -- then deep down I remember that all of the illusory, material things which can sometimes seem so important in life are as nothing next to the privilege (there's that word again) of being able to help someone in that way -- to give a person who can't stop drinking, who's life has been a series of humiliating, self destructive blunders, the road map to recovery.  (I imagine it sometimes like a big treasure map, drawn with India ink on rolled parchment, and when someone spreads it out on a table there is, in the bottom most right hand corner, a big dot labelled "Alcoholic Hell" and then an "X" to mark the spot and the words "You Are Here" written in flowing script.)

I miss you because you were funny and kind.

I miss you because you made me laugh -- hard -- when I was sure I didn't have one drop of joy left in me.

I miss you because you always seemed to make time for me.

I miss you because your counsel really was wise.

But mostly I miss you because I wish you could see in person how the seeds you planted have born fruit; and how in my own way I have tried to do the same for others, who I have seen then go on and try to do the same for still others...

I miss you because now I see so clearly how we are just links in a vast network of something Good -- in a world that could really use some good and to people who could really use a hand.

I'm still doing what you taught me to do, John.  Thank you so much for helping me.

I hope they have great coffee wherever you are.

No doubt if they don't, you'll let them know.

All my love,

 Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

a poor choice of words

Yesterday's post -- actually, the wonderful, intelligent and thoughtful comments on yesterday's post -- have been working on me all night.  And I've come up with something important to me that I'd like to share here -- but first I need to give some context:

One of the things I've always loved about AA and the AA literature is how even-handed and open minded it is.  A favorite quote of mine in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book), which exemplifies this tone, is found on the first page (pg. 44) of Chapter 4, "We Agnostics":

"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."

No absolutes.  No finger shaking.  Plenty of room for consideration before agreeing with what is proposed.  That spirit of offering information without sounding a dogmatic bell is all over the Big Book.  There is certainly the occasional strongly worded suggestion, or -- given that we are talking a life-and-death struggle --  a sometimes grave and important warning, but the overall spirit of the Big Book is one of offering suggestions based on experience, without brow beating anyone while doing so.

How the Big Book became so balanced is fairly common knowledge.  Many people feel the writing is Divinely Inspired -- given how prophetic it has turned out to be, and how useful to so many people, I think you can make a lovely case for that -- but the fact is, the book was constructed as much as written, through the input of the first one hundred (roughly) sober alcoholics who started what we think of today as Alcoholics Anonymous.  Well aware that if they depended solely on word-of-mouth to pass along what they had discovered the message would likely become distorted, they set out to put their Steps and experience on paper.  And almost all the AA histories agree, that original group was divided 50/50 between the faithful (predominantly Christian) and agnostics.  Bill Wilson, one of AA's co-founders, was the man at the typewriter, but everyone reviewed and commented on the manuscript as it developed.  And this (mostly) friendly friction between the devout and the doubtful resulted in the balanced, open-minded wording throughout AA's primary text as we have it today.

13 years later, Bill Wilson himself set down to write the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions."  If I have my history right, this was done in part to help AA as a whole embrace the Traditions, which came into being some time after AA got started.  But it was also a wonderful opportunity to flesh out some of the ideas in the Big Book.  I have often observed that, to me, the Big Book is like a road map, giving you clear cut directions on how to get from a broken, drunken life to a clean and sober one, while the 12&12 is like the travelog, warning you against bumps in the road, dangerous curves, and pointing out sights of interest along the way.

But it was written by one man, Bill himself.

I love the 12&12.  I've written extensively here about how, for example, in the Big Book the words "dry" and "sober" are used pretty much interchangeably, switched around more in an effort to improve the quality of the writing than with any real distinction that they might mean somewhat different things.  This concept came a bit later, and is discussed in much helpful detail by Bill in the 12&12.

And yet we have this, the subject of the post from yesterday:

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed,
no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with
us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the
wrong also."

In my zeal to understand for myself what this means, and to offer some helpful insight to someone asking, I took a swing at making sense of it.  And what I wrote yesterday still works for me pretty well for me today.

And yet...

If I am to be completely honest, when I look at my thinking I can see how I was subjugating some of my common sense to find a way to embrace that statement -- I was laboring to make it work.

And nowhere in the Big Book, or in any meeting I've attended -- even though there is much talk of being completely willing, of surrender, etc.... does AA ask me to abandon my common sense.

(And to those who are not fans of AA, eager to pounce with an "Oh yeah?" and then site some terrible experience they had in the East Bumpluck group of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can only say that I am sorry you had a bad experience, that has not been what I have found in AA, and that AA never asks me to do anything I am not willing to do -- and the whole point of what I've written above about the Big Book is that while it may make strongly worded suggestions, it is not didactic in the least.  It does not require I give up my common sense, it only asks me to consider things differently.)

Thus, after reading the comments from yesterday, I have decided, for me, that while I love the 12&12, I think Bill made a poor choice of words when he chose such strong language, so full of absolutes, in expressing this particular idea.

The way the idea is presented (which is not the same as the idea itself, of course) is a bit of a sour note against the harmony of how open-minded and even handed so much of the rest of AA's literature is.

I don't need AA, or Bill Wilson, or me or you to be perfect.  My faith in the 12 Steps, and how effective they are as a way to stay sober, is completely unshaken by this new opinion -- this idea I've come to (again, for me) that in this little bit of writing Bill perhaps chose his words poorly.  God knows, after writing this blog five days a week for more than two years (seven days a week for the first few months, but that nearly broke me) I have an intimate understanding of how one can be making a point, feel strongly about it, but then the words on the page, cut free from verbal tone or facial expression, strike a tone more sharply than one may intend.

I don't know that about Bill's opinion of the 12&12 -- for all I know this was his very favorite few lines.  It's possible Lois got sick to death of him going on and on about how much he loved his little couplet of the spiritual axiom and how we are in the wrong, also -- though to harp upon it would have been a deadly error in the game of marriage dynamics chess, I wager, once Lois got Al-Anon up and running and learned how to detach with love, draw better boundaries and not take any more crap.  I fantasize sometimes about a little scene in their living room, after Lois got some recovery of her own:

Bill:  Lois, I'd like some coffee.

Lois:  You would?

Bill:  Yes.

Lois:  Alright dear.  The coffee's in the kitchen, if you make a pot bring me a cup too, would you?

Bill sits, jaw agape, for several moments, before closing it and heading into the kitchen.

Go Lo!

AA works.  The Big Book -- and the 12&12 -- are full of wonderful, life-saving information which continues to speak to me more than 20 years after I started reading it.

But for me, those couple of sentences in the 12&12 in Step 10 are not Bill's best work.

 

Questions via Email: A Spiritual Axiom

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

In my Step Study meeting we were reading Step 10, and we came across the part that said that it's a spiritual axiom that every time we're disturbed there's something wrong with us.  It goes on with some examples.  I have a hard time with this.  I talked to my sponsor and although they tried to explain it I still didn't get it.  Actually, I kind of felt like they didn't get it either.  What is your take on this?

Not Buying It

 

Dear NBI,

I've had a lot of trouble with this one myself. First, just for the sake of accuracy and context, let's pull the quote:

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed,
no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with
us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the
wrong also."

-- "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (AA's 12&12) Step 10, pg. 90

The writing goes on to talk about how there might be some exceptions, some "justifiable anger" but these are no less dangerous for an alcoholic to live with.  The larger point here being that even if we have just cause, staying in resentment is toxic to an alcoholic's sobriety.  I think it's worth pointing out that this is not the same as saying we should not or will not feel anger, so much as to remind us that when we're angry we're vulnerable, and dwelling on those resentments is a bad idea.

But that larger point is one thing, this "spiritual axiom" is another.  It doesn't mince words, there's no analogy.  Every time I'm disturbed, no matter what upsets me, there is something wrong with me.

To which my initial response is:

Something wrong with me?  Seriously?  No matter what the cause?

Bite me.

Before I dive in, let me buy myself some time to come up with something good offer a definition, just to make sure we're all on the same playing field:

axiom (plural axioms or axiomata)

1. (philosophy) A self-evident and necessary truth; a proposition which it is necessary to take for granted; a proposition whose truth is so evident that no reasoning or demonstration can make it plainer.
   • 1999 Bertrand Russell, Charles R. Pigden, Russell on Ethics^[1]:

     Can we then find axioms as self-evident as those of Arithmetic, on which we can build as on a sure foundation, which could be shaken only by a scepticism which should attack the whole fabric of our knowledge?

2. (mathematics) A fundamental theorem that serves as a basis for deduction of other theorems. E.g., "A point has no mass; a line has no width. A plane is a flat surface with no mass and contains an infinity of points and lines".
3. An established principle in some art or science that is universally received.

Okay, by calling this an axiom the 12&12 calls this idea a "truth" along the lines of something obvious or irrefutable.  Great.  Now I find it even harder to swallow.

What has helped me make peace with this idea is to consider it in terms of "where there's smoke, there's fire."  That is, when I'm disturbed, it's a warning that I've got something going on I am not immediately aware of.

Here's an (embarrassing) example of how this works in my life:

I'm walking down the street.  I pass a stranger, just another person strolling along in the opposite direction.  Being a friendly fellow, I nod and offer a neighborly smile.  They ice me, ignoring my greeting.  Now (and here's the embarrassing part):  If I somehow feel, unconsciously, that they're "better" than me (in the loose, subconscious, snap judgment kind of comparison, i.e., hotter, richer, younger... whatever "er" most lines up with that particular day's brand of insecurity) then I think they are an aloof bastard, a snob, and I am angered at the snub.  But if I don't feel snubbed, it thus must be because, via that same, shallow, not-based-in-any-reality comparison criteria instantly running in the slimy cellar of my soul, it is because I feel better than the other person.  

To put this in the crudest possible way (because really, I haven't embarrassed myself enough for a Monday), if I think you're hotter than me and you don't say "hi" you're a bitch, but if I think you're not, then you're "shy" and I feel compassion for you.

(Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in my own defense, please allow that I am exaggerating.  Slightly.)

So this spiritual axiom -- that if I am disturbed there is something wrong with me -- is really about the disturbance working like a smoke alarm; that there's a fire I am not aware of yet -- something going on (most likely under the surface) which in this case involves judgments, expectations and fears.  Because in the above example, I have the resentment before I have the understanding -- there's something "wrong with me" even as I find the other person's (admittedly) rude behavior unacceptable.  And I want to add, here, that just because I look to see how I am "in the wrong also" I am not necessarily saying that the other person is, ipso facto, not wrong.  I'm wrong also, in a spiritual sense, but perhaps not in an actual one.  Looking at our part in things does not excuse the bad behavior of other people.  An inventory is never about pretending a bad thing is good.  At heart, it's alway about clarity and insight.

What has helped me make peace with this sentiment is not to focus on the "wrong" -- which is what I did at first, triggering a "Hey! Waitaminute!" kind of thing -- and instead put my energy towards divining out what the "something" is.

And in the largest sense that's ultimately what this chapter in the 12&12 is about.  Step 10's purpose is to keep us current with ourselves, and continue to inventory our days so that the fire which sets off the smoke alarm doesn't burn down the whole house.

(God, that analogy is hokey crap.  But I was trapped by the original image and couldn't find my way out.  Sorry.)

Look, it's a tough one.  I continue to chew on it when it comes up, looking for a fuller understanding of what the 12&12 means.  I think a lot of AA literature was more prophetic than the authors knew, and in my experience, the things it may say which bug me often turn out to hold the most valuable ideas for my ongoing recovery.

Hope this helps, NBI.

Cheers!

 

What you DO vs. What makes you WHO YOU ARE (Part 1)

What you DO:

zoo keeper, cop, nurse, diplomat, janitor, masseur, tennis pro, court reporter, agronomist, teacher, rolfer, taxi driver...

you get the idea.

 

What makes you WHO YOU ARE:

Telling the truth regardless of the situation/lying to avoid consequences

Being a good listener/being a bad listener

avoiding responsibility/stepping up

being open to new things/being shut down

being tolerant/intolerant

following through/quitting

getting busy/procrastinating

judging/accepting ...

you get the idea.

 

What I DO, as in, how I make my way in the world, is not what makes me who I am.

HOW I BEHAVE is what makes me who I am.

Lots of great people and worthwhile institutions try to show alcoholics and addicts how to move through the world, how to conduct ourselves... how to behave.

For me (and, I think its safe to say, countless others) it wasn't until I came to AA and journeyed through the 12 Steps that I found a message which could penetrate my sick, self-centered fog and help me amend myself -- help me learn how to be someone who is the same person regardless of where I am or who I'm with -- help me line up the person that I think I am with the person that I actually am.

The freedom -- and the power -- which results from that journey is that other people's behavior does not dictate my behavior -- I do.

The healthy people around me can inspire me, but when I encounter spiritual sickness in others it no longer bullies me or impacts me like it used to.

And thus, other people do not define who I am -- only I can, now.

This freedom, this power, this journey, is available to anyone who wants it, and who is willing to do what AA suggests.  (Of course, wanting it and being willing to do what is required are two very different things.)

Sometimes it seems like the world tries to tell me that what I do is who I am. 

When I go to an AA meeting, I get it all sorted out again, and I remember the truth.

I remember who I am.

 

 

 art by Eugenio Recuenco

pardon my french (but sometimes the vernacular says it best)

 

 

We are the authors of our own difficulties.

Or, to put it another way,

(in the vernacular)...

if the sh*t keeps hitting the fan,

maybe you should stop

throwing sh*t at the fan.

 

 

find beauty

 

 

For me that's easier to do once I've been to a meeting.

 

Questions via Email: If you are sober a long time and still have a hard time, what's the point?

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have followed carefully your recent posts, and I get that you seem to be having a bad time of it right now.  I'm glad you're honest about that.  I understand why talking about what is going on is important for an alcoholic to do.  But I guess I am both a little inspired and a little discouraged by what you have written.  I am fairly new to AA, and this is my question:  If you are sober a long time and still have a hard time, what's the point of all this stuff we do? 

Wondering

 

Dear Wondering,

I had planned to answer some emails that I'm long overdue in putting up on the blog, but there was yours sitting there in my inbox when I went to get the others, and it was so timely that I had to address you first. 

It's funny, but a sponsee of mine left me a voicemail which said almost exactly the same thing recently, that they were both a little inspired and a little discouraged to hear me talk about having a hard time, 20+ years down the road. 

Their tone was gentle.  They were doing what they were supposed to be doing, sharing honestly with their sponsor what was going on in their head -- and I hope you don't mind my cutting your email down some -- you were quite eloquent in telling me that you meant no offense by the question -- I assure you, even if you'd not been so kind, none would have been taken. 

Because it is a fair question to ask, particularly if you are new.  No matter how you slice it, it's very fair to wonder, if someone has been active in AA for more than 20 years -- no breaks, no "time off for good behavior" -- wouldn't they somehow be past much of the "struggle" -- past deep foibles and profound self sabotage and what not?  Shouldn't being steeped in a spiritual way of life give a healing to whatever additional challenges we have beyond just staying sober?

And before I address it, I want to add to your question as well.  Recently I heard a speaker in a meeting say (and I've heard others say it too) that really, all AA offers you is sobriety.

But that's not true, is it.

AA makes many claims, even makes some promises.  Before we're halfway through Step 9, for example, we're supposed to "know a new freedom and a new happiness, not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, comprehend the word serenity and know peace."  And at other places in the literature there is moving, beautiful writing about the friends we'll make, the fellowship we'll experience.  AA even says that, if I do the AA deal, "great events will come to pass for you and countless others... " it even says that that's a fact -- a "great fact for us."

So with all that on the table, what in the hell is going on when someone with more than 20 years of sobriety, active as all hell in AA, is having a rough time?

THAT, to my mind, is how fair your question is.  Stacked against what AA says it will deliver, if I were new and I'd been reading some of my stuff I might also scratch my head and wonder if, after I drive the AA car off the lot, it might not prove to be a bit of a lemon down the road.

Now, there are a couple of clever cons and twisty word games people can play right about now in addressing your question.  First (and an old reliable, muttered under the breath when someone with a lot of time is not a shiny happy example of recovery) is to suggest that the person having a hard time might only look like they are doing the AA deal, but actually they're holding back some dark secret which is eating them alive from the inside out.  And you know what?  Sometimes that's true.  Of the several people I have personally known who were active in AA, had more than 20 years sober, and wound up killing themselves (which is about the most extreme example of "rough going" we can use, eh?) it turned out that they all had something they were holding back.  After their death, some secret struggle or problem came to light which they had not been able to share with anyone, even the people closest to them.  (Yes, yes, I know, I know, suicide is a complicated issue, and there are a number of factors which will drive someone to make, as the Big Book puts it "the ultimate sacrifice."  But let's acknowledge that if you're an alcoholic keeping a big secret you're pouring gasoline on whatever fire those other factors have burning.)    But although that can be true, it is not always, or even often, true.  (Nor is this true in my case, I'm afraid.  In fact, there are several people I can think of who actually, right about now, are actively wishing I would shut the hell up talking about how I feel and what I think and what's going on).

So we come back to your very fair question again:  If someone is doing the AA deal, and they don't have some big dark monster secret hiding under the bed, what's up when they're going down?

The other clever way to dodge your question is to suggest that what you think the words mean, or what you think the AA writing suggests, isn't what it really means or suggests.  Writing this in answer to your question I will not parse out the AA Promises -- or the other things I mentioned from AA's writing -- and spin them so that it is alluding to some strange, lofty set of spiritual ideals, with the inference that what we wanted when we were newcomers changes as we stay sober.  There is some truth to that, however.  What is important to me today, what some of AA's ideas and terminology means to me now, has evolved -- profoundly, in some cases -- but that still does not equal an answer to your very fair question:

What's the point of this whole thing if it can still suck eggs 20 years down the road?

Well, Wonder, here's my answer, sans spin, without equivocation, and with as little dodging or dancing as possible (which is hard for me, I'm a big fan of taking the long way around -- shocker to hear that, I know):

1.  It doesn't suck eggs all the time.  Measured against the backdrop of total time happy versus total time sucky, happy wins by a landslide, and I attribute that to the way AA has taught me to see life and respond to it.

2.  And when, even after 20+ years, it sucks eggs, I am able to see how I have created the egg suckage.  And this knowledge, while sometimes a bitter, bitter pill (I heard in a meeting tonight that we must hold ourselves completely accountable while trying to be completely compassionate about it.  And you wonder, Wonder, why people think God talks to us directly in AA meetings) is also the absolute freedom.  If it sucked because of you, I could do almost nothing.  I cannot change you.  But I can change me.  Even if I've tried to change and failed a hundred times in 20+ years, I can -- once I manage to get up out of the fetal position I've assumed on the kitchen floor, stop crying, blow my nose and splash some cold water on my face -- try again.  It is extraordinarily painful to be in that place, I grant you -- to be staring down the barrel of "again" all over again.  But what I have found by doing the deal for 20+ years is that by sticking close to AA I have enough love and support and example around me to make my one hundred and first attempt to change possible. 

3.  On certain issues, Wonder, certain deeply rooted, very screwed up, self destructive issues, on a scale of one to ten, ten being the absolute healthiest a person can be on those issues, I showed up in AA at -17,428.  Today, more than 20+ years down the road, I am maybe at -6.  And today that is still a very painful place to be.  But it is light years from where I started.  Or, to stick with our earlier analogy, today it's one sucky egg, not a whole dozen.  And maybe tomorrow it'll be ... wait, half an egg doesn't make sense.  But you get the idea.  A rough time today is not nearly the same as it has been before.

It's like this, Wonder:  When there is a storm far out at sea, the surface of the ocean is roiling with gigantic waves and great sprays of foam, maybe even cracks of thunder shake the sky and lightning forks down like in an old horror movie.

But deep in the depths of the ocean is a calm, untouched by the violence of the storm above.  The depths remain at peace.

I am sharing about the storm on the surface because if I don't it gets worse -- but rest assured, like the depths of the ocean, there is core of peace which AA helped me to develop -- and it is always there.  Some would go farther and say it is a living connection with a God consciousness, and on some days I would more easily agree with them than others, but it is there regardless.

That's the point.

Finding the seeds of that inside yourself and developing it -- because from that place will come a connection to a Power Greater than yourself.  From that place will come an ability to empathize with other peoples' struggles, and new perspectives about what you have been through and what you still face.  From that place comes the ability to maintain your physical sobriety -- the bottom line which allows you to stay free of the first drink -- and then to grow in mental, emotional and spiritual sobriety as well.  You feel it when you are fully engaged in service, when you are sharing the solution AA offers to people who can't stop drinking, when you sponsor someone, when you share at a meeting and when you listen.

That is the point.

It is a fair question you ask.

That is my answer.

Sober Texting 5 (they're very new)

 

Them:  thnx

Me:  You're welcome.

A minute goes by

Me:  What are you thanking me for?

Them:  you're having hard time now, yes?

A couple of minutes go by

Me:  Yes.

Them:  so... thnx 4 meeting with me today

Me:  I told you, we'll meet every week.

Them:  yeah but i thought u might cancel

Me: Why?

Them:  because you're having hard time

Me:  Oh. But that's when I need to meet with you most of all.

Them: ?

A minute goes by

Them:  when people say that kind of thing i'm not sure i understand - or maybe i'm not sure i believe them

Me:  You will.