can't keep don't set

When it comes to dealing with

difficult, challenging or abusive people,

if you can't keep the boundary,

don't set the boundary.

Comments

[Dave]

check.

[RhondaB]

Ah...I beg to differ. As a wise friend has shared in many a meeting, "Practice makes Permanent".

[Bobby D.]

Oh dear, I'm being quoted! (GIGGLE-SNORT!)

[David S]

Nice

[kelly]

I've learned....don't make threats you can't/won't carry out.

I think that setting boundaries, and then changing or dissolving them is different. No?

[Jessie]

lol, always a resolution never a decision.... :)

I understand from gut level what that looks like and how badly it fails when resolve dissolves into absolute indecision and chaos

[Alexandra]

What are you supposed to do then, if a difficult person is around? Just leave them alone or something? I'm new to the whole boundary thing. I'm just basically avoiding people who I consider spiritually sick or not good for my sobriety.

[Robin]

Well Mr. SP, is there anyone better than an alcoholic for just stomping right across a boundary line,demolishing all traces of its existence in his wake??? What works in my life with other people with minimum effort, often hasn't a chance with my alcoholic, even with consequences pre-planned out with a counselor! There are also times when I've thought my boundary has been being respected only to find out after the fact that it was ignored all along! Boundaries with alcoholics are DIFFICULT and a topic unto itself. I don't know anyone that sets a boundary with the idea that they won't keep it! Alcoholics are opportunists, and too much for many of us to deal with alone. Soundbite advice often just increases feelings of failure and frustration.

Robin

[Joyce]

Ooooh, hatin' on Mr Sponsor Pants!

I took it to mean that we have choices in all things. If somebody constantly disrespects boundaries, you have the choice to remove yourself from them or from the situation. Easier said than done, but the choice is still there.

[BobbyD.]

Well, after re-visiting this post, and looking at all the comments, I think I have to respectfully disagree with that sayin'... (sorry, Mr. Sponsorpants - I SO want to agree with everything you post!)

Here's the thing:

1. If I don't establish boundries, I will quickly sink into resentment (#1 offender in gettin' people drunk)

2. OR - I will loathe myself (had lots of practice with that one)

3. OR - I'll hurt them back (ooo... hate when that happens)

4. OR - I'll be filled with self-pity (why is everybody picking on me?)

5. OR... well, never mind. I'm sure I could come up with 3 or 4 more...

SO. Back to boundries.
I say,"Keep working on it."

I didn't have boundries when I got sober, but I learned to through the guidance of some wonderful sponsors and friends.

And after many years of practice, I still occasionally fail at following through.

But what my old high school English teacher said still rings in my ears.... "Practice does not make perfect, practice makes permanent."

I need to keep trying. And I especially need to remember the wonderful Al-Anon advice: "Say what you mean, but don't say it mean!"