Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Prayer Partners?

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have a question about Prayer Partners.  I'm a newcomer to Al-anon and my sponsor has had many suggestions for me in the last few months, but none has been so difficult for me as their most recent suggestion:  That I get a Prayer Partner.  My sponsor defines this as another person in the program with whom I would speak by phone every morning without fail; we would pray aloud together, saying the Serenity Prayer and the Third and Seventh Step Prayers, and maybe sharing whatever spiritual concern/process we want to share.

I know this is not strictly speaking an AA question, but I thought I would ask you since all of my sponsor's other suggestions have been ones that I know come from the Big Book or from AA collected experience in general.  (Make a gratitude list every night, kneel to pray morning and night, have a home group, read conference approved literature, do stepwork, have a service commitment, attend open AA meetings, etc.)  But this one is new to me, and I can't figure out if it's a common thing and I've just never heard of it, or what.  I've Googled this and I don't get anything even remotely conference-approved, just Christian references.  And I am not a Christian, although my sponsor is, which is at times unsettling, although I try not to let it be.

I'm officially no longer in the business of interrogating her suggestions or coming up with better ones of my own;  I just take them, and suck it up, and see what happens next (usually more is revealed).  I still wondered nonetheless  if you had heard of this before.

Thanks for your experience, strength and hope, and keep coming back!

Yours,

New to Al-anon

Dear New,

Wow ... I ... I would have the same reaction you've described yourself as having. 

I always do best when, as you mentioned, I stop questioning a sponsor's direction and just try it for a while and see what happens.  (I believe that is called "being open minded and willing," actually.)  You and I are totally on the same page with that.

It's just that... well ... the phrase "Prayer Partner" makes me throw up a little bit in the back of my throat.

I know!  I know!  I'm a terrible, close-minded person.  <hangs head in shame>

But the phrase is very Evangelical.  Actually, more to the point, the phrase is very Tele-evangelical.

Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole has no opinion on outside issues.  Love and tolerance is our code.  People of all and every and no faith can find a solution to their drinking problem in AA, and nothing that the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" suggests will be contrary to their particular creed.

I, a sober member of AA, have certain ideas associated with certain religions that make it difficult for me to be unbiased or as open minded as I like to be.  I am not a spokesman for AA.  No person is.  The only authority on Alcoholics Anonymous is the book "Alcoholics Anonymous."  (Clever title, eh?)

While I mean no offense to anyone reading this, some religions scare trouble me.  Some religions have gone on the record -- quite vehemently -- in ways that make me feel threatened unwelcome, despite their claims of following spiritual teachings based on the concepts of Love.  (I feel like some sects can't even make it to "Like thy neighbor as thyself" let alone Love.)  So when someone in AA references anything that I identify with those religions it can be a challenge for me not to denounce judge, or react in fear, or become irrationally protective of what I think AA is and isn't.  (The middle of that path is where I aim for -- it is appropriate to safeguard the Traditions and speak up for AA's singleness of purpose -- but too far to one side or the other on that road and I fear it's Bleeding Deacon territory.)

It is always a rude awakening, when I consider how groups that I fear view me I call it intolerance, but when I think about how I view them I call it intelligence.  Neat trick, huh?  To be fair, it's not all in my head.  There are some parts of the world where I wouldn't get two blocks without being stoned to death.  (What is with those municipalities, where there are always a lot of stones lying around for a stoning?)  And there are some factions and zip codes here in the U.S. that might not stone me, but might not welcome me, either.

That's a big part of why the spirit of anonymity is so important in meetings.  Not to hide from each other, but to create a level playing field in which we can meet (to the best of our abilities) as recovering alcoholics first, and whatever else we are second.  Every other part of how we identify ourselves, the status, the divisions, the bias and assumptions about people and affiliations, can be, if not left outside, certainly kept out of the way to better practice the 12th Step with each other.

But the phrase "Prayer Partner" is, as I am familiar with it, what some Televangelists called the people who were encouraged to put one hand on the TV and pray, and the other hand on their checkbook and donate.  Thus, it is hard for me at first to consider the suggestion without a lot of baggage attached to it.

To answer your question directly, no, this is not a suggestion I have heard of in my sober adventures in AA -- but I have also encountered a great variance by region as to what the fellowship suggests people try as an adjunct to getting and staying sober.

At the same time, when I take a sponsee through the Steps of AA in the Big Book and we come to the 3rd Step, as awkward as it occasionally feels we kneel down and say the prayer together out loud -- and though there may be some initial oddness, doing so often becomes something sublime.  So I do, in my own way, regularly pray aloud with people. 

Still... morning telephone "Prayer Partner" ... that's a tough one for me, I freely admit.

I must check my ego and my intellectual arrogance in this as well.  If what your sponsor was suggesting was called "Morning Spiritual Fellowship" I would not have the same kind of reaction at all.  (Though I would likely not say on a first date, "What did I do this morning?  Well, after a kickass telephone prayer session with my Morning Spiritual Fellowship Partner I ... hey, wait!  Where are you going?")

As a sponsor I bring all of me to the table in an effort to help the people I sponsor.  I tend to label my suggestions as things I've personally done and things I've seen work for others, and also those things that come from AA vs. those that don't but have been helpful to my sobriety.

Sounds like your sponsor is doing the same thing, and you have a pretty open mind about it.

If it's right for you give it a go, and let me know what your experience of it is like.

Thanks for writing in and keep coming back!

Cheers!

Mr. SP

Questions via Email: Trust

Good morning Mr. SponsorPants,

I hope you can help me with a little dilemma I have.  I recently came back after a run of several years.  Before that I had several years in the rooms before I went out.  Now that I am back in the rooms I am actually in a different state than I lived in when I got sober.  My issue now is trusting people in the rooms.  The first time I was in the rooms I trusted everyone because I didn't realize that some are sicker than others.  Now I find myself on the other extreme.  I don't share at all in meetings because I don't know who is safe.  I call my sponsor but I find myself holding back.  I haven't outright lied yet but I just leave things out... and yes, I know, omission is a form of deception.

I know it takes time to open up and trust people, but I am afraid that my lack of trust will take me back out.  Right now my sponsor gave me some step work to do and I have no issue writing it all out.  I think knowing these things and having them in black and white in front of me will get me to learn a lot about myself and the patterns that lead me to drink.  However, if I am to do this properly, a lot will be revealed and I am afraid to tell it to my sponsor, or anyone for that matter.  I know I need to do this, but I don't know how willing I am to share it.  I'm stuck right now.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Stuck Untrusting and Nervous I'll Relapse

Dear SUNIR,

The first thing I want to say to you is welcome back!

A relapse of several years has to include some real darkness, and many people seem to find coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous strangely harder than the first time they came into the rooms.  Please, please, be gentle with yourself, and rely on the fact that nothing in Alcoholics Anonymous is theory based -- it has evolved through the practical experience of many thousands of clean and sober alcoholics, and if it worked for them it WILL work for you.

Willing but unsure of those around you, afraid of relapse, wanting to trust but unable to do so ... oh, SUNIR, I am sorry, that is a dreadful place to be.  It's a terrible tangle of emotions -- let's try and sort some of this out and break it down into some actions you can try, okay?

You are right -- it takes time to open up and trust people.  To reflect back to you what you're describing, it is like some nightmarish race you find yourself in: Will you be able to develop the ability to open yourself to people in AA before your alcoholism sneaks up behind you and grabs you by the throat and drags you back down to hell?

Here's what I think:  Yes, you will be able to.

And here's how:

Start talking about this fear and trust challenge with just a few people in AA.  Yes, some are sicker than others -- so find a few of the others, and skip the some.  That may be easier than initially broaching the trust issue with your sponsor.  Sometimes we unconsciously bring a lot of baggage to the sponsor relationship (I'm not saying you have, I'm just saying it is not uncommon) and that can make it difficult to open up in that relationship at first.  So find a few people in the rooms -- maybe someone who has experience with relapse -- and just say this to them:  "Since I came back to AA I am having trouble with trust."  That's all.  You don't have to elaborate, or give any specifics, and if pressed for more information you can just say "That's all I'm comfortable saying for now, but I'm trying to reach out."  Or something like that.  You can play 'broken record' if people -- often with good intention -- encourage you to share more before you're ready. 

The point is to start to open up.  And you don't have to -- ever, if you don't want to -- share anything that makes you feel too vulnerable or unsafe -- but you can start to talk about the problem you're having opening up (and it will not only be helpful to you, but to others as well).  Part of what's keeping you silent is this perhaps unconscious assumption you're making that to open up equals getting immediately into the toughest stuff you're afraid to share -- but you don't have to start there -- and you never have to go there till you're ready -- all you have to do is start talking about the problem of talking.

My experience with my own fears -- when alcoholism has my perceptions warped and my vision twisted -- is that all my fears feel huge, and they spill over onto each other and feed each other and my alcoholism, which then feeds them -- no wonder we can't do this alone! 

When trying to untangle my fears it helps me to sort them this way:  Ego fears and Survival fears. 

Ego fears I must (eventually) smash, Survival fears I must pay attention to, but modulate.  (To illustrate the difference somewhat, it is Ego fear if I am afraid that taping money to my face and walking naked through Central Park at 3am will make me look foolish.  It is Survival fear if I am afraid doing that will get me killed.  Sometimes they overlap, which can make things even more confusing.)

This all may sound obvious, but what I've found is that when alcoholism has my head spinning my Ego fears feel like Survival fears -- thus it can seem like if I raise my hand in a group to share then I will be destroyed. 

Of course, that's not a thought I literally have -- "If I share I will be destroyed!" -- it's an intensity of feeling -- my level of anxiety over what people think of me -- or what will happen if I tell my secrets -- is like my life was at stake

So don't try to tackle that all at once.  Start with the manageable, and begin to say to some few individuals that you are having a problem with trust and with sharing.   Work up to saying to your sponsor that you are struggling with trusting everyone -- including your sponsor.

And here's another thought:  How about breaking the action of your suggested First Step writing in half, like it's the Eighth Step ("... made a list ... and became willing ...").  In other words, first do the writing and then work on becoming willing to share it.  Even though you have "no issue writing it all out" right now you're scaring yourself with the sharing part.  You frame writing as something you're "going to do" -- but haven't done yet.  You can get into some immediate action without being fully willing to take on the second part -- the reading it to your sponsor.  In fact, I might suggest that you share that with your sponsor -- "I'm writing, but I'm not ready to read it yet."  One way or another, I cannot think or feel my way into different thinking and feelings -- it is through action that I change those.  So if the problem is the feeling of fear -- a lack of trust -- the first action you can take is the writing.  Get busy and see what happens, feeling-wise.

You are very wise to extrapolate out that eventually this paralysis puts you at some risk for relapse.  So again (because I think it is very important, and also because in my experience alcoholics are great ones for saying we have no problem doing something -- but still not doing it):  Getting into action will shore up your sobriety -- a lot, I wager -- and you can do that without immediately tackling the larger fears about trust.

Finally, I suggest you bring a Higher Power -- as you understand a Higher Power -- into this equation.  You don't even have to understand your Higher Power to ask for help.  You can even believe that asking an HP for help is stupid or weak or foolish or insane or lame or it didn't work before or it won't work this time or ... or ... or... .  Just get quiet for a few minutes regularly (morning and night?  Shower and sitting in the car at lunch?) and ask for Divine Guidance, and for help in setting aside fear and mistrust.

If you get to have an HP as you understand them, then you can have one that is so delighted to hear from you that it doesn't matter if you're kneeling at the foot of your bed or jumping around in the back row of an aerobics class wearing your old leg warmers and going "Woo!" when your favorite song comes on.  That is a completely hypothetical example, of course.  (What -- why are you all looking at me like that?)  My experience has been that if I regularly ask HP to help me become willing the door starts to open a little bit.  And that's all it takes.  You don't have to become 100% willing.  You just have to get to 51%.  That's always enough to get me started.

Listen to the part of you that wants to live, SUNIR.  And remember, you've already done the hard part -- you came back from a real and tough relapse.  Keep that in perspective -- the toughest part is behind you, so the level of fear you have now (i.e. lack of trust) is your alcoholism working on you.

Fear is a part of the human experience -- it's the amount of it and where it comes from and whether or not I let it drive me or paralyze me that I think marks me as an alcoholic. 

The good news is that you and I have spiritual tools to use to deal with that fear and keep our alcoholism from using it against us.

To quote the Big Book, "It works -- it really does."

Welcome back, keep coming back, and know that everyone who read this today is rooting for you to make it -- especially me.  With all that in your corner your alcoholism doesn't stand a chance.

Love,

Mr. SP

My gratitude -- an evolution of sorts.

You know, although philosophers have discussed gratitude for as long as there have been people willing to sit and listen to them blather on,  the field of modern psychology, as we think of the discipline today, has only been studying gratitude for roughly the past ten years -- not very long at all, when you think about it.

Prior to 2000, psychologists were more focused on treating problems -- which is not a bad way to go, at first.  By all means let's get the OCD people calmed down, the depressed up off the sofa and the suicidals down from the ledge before we add to our To Do List.

It's only been since the advent of what is now called "Positive Psychology" that there has been any considerable scientific examination given to the things in the human psyche which benefit us and help people and groups prosper in spirit.

My own gratitude has evolved and become a central tenent in how I view the world -- and I owe that predominantly to Alcoholics Anonymous.  (For the antagonists out there, please note that I did not say that AA is the only place that does this, I am simply saying that AA is the place that did it for me.)

In its most basic and limited form, my gratitude was rooted in relief, as in "Phew! I'm glad I'm not that guy!" Relief-based gratitude sort of being shadenfreude's prettier step-sister.

(If that one got by you, click here.  Everyone should learn that word, it's so evocative.)

As my world view broadened, it became a kind of "Phew! I'm glad I don't live there!  I'd have been stoned to death before I made it out of 8th Grade!" -- zip code based gratitude.

Over time, as the sober days began to pile up, and I was eyewitness to the slow-motion implosion of some people's sobriety, and the often attendant horror, tragedy and death which resulted, I became sincerely grateful for my sobriety.  I had of course been parroting this sentiment shortly after I came into AA -- clearly you got a pat on the head for dutifully spouting "... and I'm grateful for my sobriety!"  Old fraud that I've always been I'm a great one for picking out the keynote in what you want to hear and giving it back to you.  But it only took a few times with a ringside seat to a good friend's slip for me to go from lip service to sincerity.  Fast.  (Sometimes sobriety seems like one of those strange paradoxical things, simultaneously as solid as an armored car and ephemeral as a soap bubble.)

Then came the long view, and the ability to be grateful for adversity.  It did not mean I relished it, or enjoyed it, but I could be grateful for it, since I had a body of sober experience which had taught me that what may have appeared to be a bad thing at first often turned out to be for my greatest good.  (Whenever I think in those terms I am reminded of the sentiment that, if you want to see God working in your life, don't look ahead, look over your shoulder.  Look behind you, over the course of the road you've traveled -- that's where you can see God's handiwork.)

Today, my gratitude still has elements from all of the above, plus the sweet fulfillment of being grateful in the moment.  Grateful for clean water and warm beds and wise, loyal friends and irreplaceable loving family.

It's not just happiness, nor is it contentment, though certainly those are threads in its tapestry.  It is the context of the broad view brought close and personal in the moment.  It is not just a feeling anymore, but an awareness of all that might have been -- or still may be, but isn't right now.

One of the best things which has resulted from AA's teaching me to be grateful is that I appreciate what it feels like to actually be grateful.  I am aware of it.  I am literally grateful to be grateful.

My gratitude is rooted in faith, viewed through the lens of AA and available whenever I remember to reach for it.

No matter where you are reading this, or what part of the 12 Step experience you may call your own, we are connected as a larger healing whole, and I thank you for being part of it -- not one of us could do it alone, and each of us -- each of us -- makes an invaluable contribution to something that saves and transforms lives.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for a life of happiness and purpose that I could not have imagined or fashioned for myself on my own.

I practically floated off the bus.

I smelled wet people.

I was working in Las Vegas at the annual Consumer Electronics show.  I, and many other attendees, had been waiting for the bus hired by the show to run the big circle from the convention center to most of the hotels close by.  That particular year some freak of desert winter weather brought occasional showers through the area, and one of those occasions coincided with sixty or so of us standing outside, waiting to get back to our hotels.  In short order the lot of us had been pretty thoroughly soaked.

The bus pulled up and we all piled on.  Unfortunately it had been designed to carry maybe 20 people fewer than our little mob, but the rain was such that the driver didn't make anyone wait for the next bus.

Crammed together, sweaty and tired from the convention -- and now wet -- this was not a scene which would make it into any vacation promotional material from the Las Vegas tourism board.

Work travel is not like a vacation, even in a city renowned for it's ability to entertain (or distract, depending on your point of view) thus I was already not having a good time -- in fact the city had depressed me.

I was lucky enough to have a seat on the bench that ran lengthwise along the side of the bus, in the front section behind the driver, which meant I was squished by my fellow bench sitters on either side and surrounded by people standing -- more like looming -- above us, gamely trying to keep their balance by holding onto rails and handles as the bus crawled through the rain.  Picture the seating configuration and the crowded conditions and you get that I was cheek to cheek with total strangers -- but different cheeks -- and not in a good way.

At that time in my sobriety I was always asking God "why?"  Sometimes it was in a sincere attempt to understand something, and other times it was little more than a whine, but in one form or another I was always mentally dashing off a note to my Higher Power:  "Dear HP, Why is X happening/not happening to me.  Please respond asap.  Thanks!  xo, Mr. SP"  While God has spoken to me directly on occasion, S/He (I'm keeping an open mind) has never been in the business of giving me a "because."

With no Divine Because forthcoming for my bus ride, and the smell of wet people becoming increasingly pungent, I started to get... self pitying.  Resentful.  Discontent.  I had a good job and I was traveling on someone else's nickel, and while the bus was crowded and uncomfortable it was hardly inhumane conditions -- yet my emotional maturity then (and it has only marginally improved over the years, on some spiritually unfit days, anyway) was such that a bit of rough going could dirty my diaper pretty quick.

At this point in my sobriety I had moved on from the sarcastic sponsor to the beautiful sponsor, and she had been talking to me a lot about meditation.  Naturally I had many books on meditation on my bookshelf, purchased specifically so that people who came to my home could see from their presence in my library that I was a very spiritual fellow.  I hadn't read any of them, of course, but I could sound like I had.  I had never really tried to meditate, figuring that before I could even begin I would need the right robe, a dozen organic scented candles made by blind monks from virgin beeswax, probably a prayer rug and possibly a toe ring.  I always have lots of school supplies, I just never go to class.

The beautiful sponsor told me that I needed to develop a meditation practice that I could "carry in my pocket."  That I could do in just about any situation.  She suggested that as a start in my meditation practice I try counting my breaths, and thinking only of the count and trying to deeply feel each breath.

Sitting in the human humidor I thought back on her words, and almost defiantly said to myself, "Fine. Fine!  I'll try this stupid meditation thing.  Fine!"

God's honest truth:  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said in my mind, "100."  Then I took another deep breath, and on the inhale said (in my mind) "ninety-" and on the exhale "-nine."

And then I lost count.

No, really.

It wasn't that I had forgotten that 98 followed 99 in my countdown, it was just that some other random thought popped up, and knocked my counting out of my head for a moment.  So I started over.  100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, POP random thought, lose focus.  I realized if I started over after every POP I would never make it out of the nineties, so, remembering some advice I'd heard about meditation somewhere along the line, I decided to just pick up wherever I left off, whenever I got interrupted -- or rather, interrupted myself.

My breathing slowed and got more even.  I sat still but relaxed.  I became more conscious of my breathing, my heartbeat, my self, and less conscious of the army of fannies hemming me in.  I became conscious of my conscious.

Honest to God, I reached 3,2,1 just as the bus pulled up in front of my hotel.  The doors opened and I practically floated off the bus.

The 11th Step of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests prayer and mediation, and in the literature it describes that "prayer, meditation and self examination provide an unshakable foundation for living."  Most people see meditation as a good thing, but they also see it as complicated, or requiring some special accessories and uncomfortable poses, or that it will be boring or like homework.

And by "most people" I mean me.  That was how I always thought of meditation before I had that experience on the bus.  Now of course I have a wealth of experience to the contrary.

From that brief and powerful lesson I have learned how to center myself in some very strange situations, and my spiritual life has been greatly enlarged.

(Which, going back to my whiney "why?" to God at the time, was quite probably the "because," I was asking for.)

Try it.

Feelings ... nothing more than feeeeelings ...

December 1990

I had to park far away from the main entrance to the mall.  The place was packed.

(I used to work with a retail consultant who said that the way to judge the success of a shopping center was to see if the spaces in the back rows of the parking lot had stains from cars' leaky oil pans.  "If they do" he said, kind of tilting his head down and giving us what I was sure he thought was a sage look, "then that means the mall is often full, and people spend a lot of time inside -- especially during the holidays."  I didn't have the heart to tell him that it might also be that the mall employees, who were paid crap wages and thus often drove cars which would likely leak oil, had to park in the back row far-away spots per instructions from management -- this I knew since I had more than once been a mall employee making crap wages.  He seemed so proud of this observation -- and it could certainly be true, too -- that I just nodded and said "aaah" with the other people trapped in his seminar.  It was an early foray into "restraint of tongue" for me, and I was quite proud at the time.)

This was one of those spectacularly gigantic malls, a vast sprawl of stores, with wings and levels and sub-basements, several food courts and a merry-go-round.  It always made me think that the only thing left to add to it would have been a heliport, in case someone who expired in the holiday-shopper crush was discovered to have a donor card in their wallet, and they could then medivac the kidney or eyeball or whatever out with super efficiency.

I was buying some small gifts to take to the AA roller skating party-fundraiser-holiday-mixer-thing later that afternoon.

It took longer to walk back to my car than to buy the gifts.

When I got there I automatically slid my key in the door lock -- or rather, I tried to.

"Huh, that's funny, it doesn't fit."  I tried several times to put the key in.  Sometimes I am a slow study.  My car had been broken into.

Opening the door I discovered that someone had none too gently stolen my car stereo.  The glove compartment had been riffled through, but had nothing in it but car papers and napkins and fossilized salt packets from random McDonald's drive-thrus.  (Never gloves.  Why do we still call it a glove compartment?  Never in my life have I put gloves in it -- or seen anyone else do so.)  Scattered across the passenger seat were all the cassettes of my music, apparently deemed unworthy to steal.

So I had been both violated and judged.

"Oh, man... bummer."  I said, starting the car and driving off to go roller skating.

A curious thing about my early sobriety.  Sometimes my feelings were over-sized and raw and expressed themselves almost without my permission, coming violently up and out of me like one of those aliens that explode from your chest in the Sigourney Weaver movie franchise. 

And sometimes, they were there and gone so fast you weren't even sure they'd been there, let alone what they were, surfacing and submerging like an ocean creature who moved so rapidly back to the depths that only the wake of their passing showed they'd been there at all.

Sometimes my emotional suppressor circuits were ruthlessly efficient.

I arrived in Alcoholics Anonymous an artificial construct with a frozen core, self obsessively concerned about what you thought I was doing and how I looked to the people around me.  To compensate for this fear I would manically try to be what I thought I was supposed to be as opposed to having any idea at all who I was or how I felt.

In my very early days sober this feeling was intensified a thousandfold.

It took me a long, long time to thaw completely, and then once I had, to begin to find my emotional equilibrium.

Still to this day sometimes -- though rarely now -- I feel the suppressor circuits crackle to life, and I think back to my non-emotion in the parking lot that day my stereo got ripped off.

Alcoholics are great worriers about our feelings.  We worry they're too much or too little or the wrong (inappropriate) ones.  This is of course in part because we tend to be self obsessed, and in part because when drinking we don't seem to be very good at identifying them -- and no way could we express them in any productive way.  Scenes?  Tantrums?  Sulks?  Manic diatribes?  Self righteous speeches?  You betcha.  Simple, calm descriptive statements?  No freakin' way possible.

AA is not therapy, but the tools it offers -- sponsorship, inventory work, and meditation, to be specific -- help an alcoholic no longer become victimized by their emotions, as they swing wildly back and forth from giddy to grim.

If you feel like sobriety has become an emotional rollercoaster of sorts, I can offer you these two things to remember which have always helped me in this area:

1.  Feelings aren't facts.  You may feel like you're going to die, but you're not, it's just a feeling.  You may feel like you're crap, or nothing, or you wasted your life or you are this or that ... but they are just feelings, and most likely have no bearing on reality whatsoever.

2.  If it took you a long time to swim out to sea it will take you a while to make it back to shore.  Be patient and gentle with yourself.  Always remember that simplest of facts:  We are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people working to get well.  You may feel like you're a bad person -- but you're not.  It's just your alcoholism working to find an angle.  Talk about it with a sponsor, share about it in a meeting, write about it and give it to God -- whatever that may look like to you.  If you do all that I guarantee that the next thing you'll feel is ... better.

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

There are two kinds of discontent:

The first is one in which I am called to use the gifts God gave me to make a bigger, fuller experience of life for myself (and often what makes that life bigger and fuller is using those gifts to be of service to others).  This is what Emmet Fox describes as the "Divine Discontent."  It is the spark -- the itch -- which drives a caterpillar to spin a cocoon and transform themselves, even though at the beginning of that process there is no way a caterpillar on the leaf could imagine a life in the sky.

The other discontent is the ever-hungry need for more -- the part of my alcoholism which is never (ever) satisfied with what I have, where I am -- who I am -- and looks ever forward, like a cheating sweetheart slow dancing with you, but always looking over your shoulder at who's walking in the room.  That part of me, made acute and intense by my alcoholism, is sure that what I have and who I am is not enough... but promises that the Next Big Exciting Thing will fix me.

The first kind can be a catalyst for great and intensely rewarding lives, and seems to be a healthy part of the growing process, as right as the turning of the seasons.

The second kind is a mofo, and it will turn you out.

Questions via Email: My sponsor doesn't call back, should I move on?

Hi,

I have about a month clean now.  I had some time and then went out for several years.  When I actually connect with my sponsor it's all good and they help me a lot, but it seems like half the time they don't call back and for over a week now they keep on saying we need to meet to go over stuff I have written but they keep on canceling.  I don't know if I should just move on and get a new sponsor or I am just being unrealistic in my expectations.  They have only been my sponsor for about ten days now.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Should I Move On?

Dear SIMO,

First off, welcome back!  It's tough coming back from a relapse -- I know some folks who, after the dust settled, were actually grateful for their slip as it removed any lingering doubts they had about their alcoholism or their ability to handle it on their own.  It is my sincere hope that your relapse didn't create too much damage in your life, yet you have a sense of certainty about your addiction and what AA can offer you in the way of recovery, coupled with a fresh willingness to avail yourself of it.

And SIMO, that's a great open minded way to look at this question, considering that your expectations may be unrealistic.  I'm a little torn in my answer to you, in that, on the one hand, we're talking about a time frame of ten days, and "not getting back to you half the time" over the course of ten days may feel like a greater lack of contact than it is, practically speaking. 

On the other hand -- and I think, based on my experience as both a sponsor and a sponsee I'm a bit more inclined to go with this -- you deserve a sponsor that is able to respond to you in a timely enough manner that you feel like you have a valid connection with them.

I will say that I tell all of my sponsees quite clearly that there are two kinds of messages you can leave me:

There's the "Hey there, Mr. SP, just calling to check in and say hello, things are ..." and they go on to tell me about their day or progress on something they're dealing with.

And then there's the "Hi Mr. SP, something's up and if you can call me back as soon as you can that would be great."

In other words, if you want to call and say "hey there!" that's great and I love hearing from you, but don't expect me to mystically intuit that you are hanging on by your fingernails through some telepathic ability to read between the lines in your chipper "just calling to say hello!" type message.

I must say, I find that somewhat common, SIMO -- people who call and leave a message pretty much saying words to the effect "everything's dandy I'm just saying hello" when they are in fact just about to storm into their boss's office and start screaming until spittle flies out of their mouths and they burst a blood vessel in their eye; or standing in the liquor section of their local grocer, heavy petting a bottle of Stoli and wiping drool from the corner of their mouth.  If you tell me "everything's dandy" I'm going to take your word for it.  If you tell me you're in crisis I'm going to get busy.  In this way we each take responsibility for asking for and giving help when needed.  There's some weird passive/aggressive set-up going on with that, pretending that a sponsor doesn't care or doesn't respond when the message makes no mention of anything other than that everything's fine.  (I'm not saying you're doing that, SIMO -- I'm just saying I've been on the receiving end of this con.)  That kind of thing is all wrapped up in assigning blame and playing the victim.  And that's a hard behavior to break.

It sounds like your sponsor wants to be more available to you, but may not be able to be (for whatever reason).

I suggest you call with some specific suggestions of when to meet -- giving several options.  "Hi, it's me, I would love to get together soon, are you free Monday at noon, Wed. at 8pm or Sunday some time in the afternoon?"  And then face-to-face ask about schedule and availability and call-backs, etc.

Remember, when you call your sponsor you're not bothering them, you're actually offering them a gift -- a chance to free themselves from their own alcoholic self-obsession and work their 12th Step.

If you don't feel like your sponsor has that frame of reference about your phone calls, then in my experience that is a problem.  (Of course as a hyper-sensitive self-obsessed alcoholic I can tend to think I know what other people are thinking, that is, I can imagine they think I am bothering them when in fact they don't think that at all.  There is some strange thing in many people -- magnified in alcoholics, I believe -- that if someone says "oh no, you're not bothering me" I assume they're just being polite, but if they don't say anything one way or the other then I assume they feel put out that I've called.  If you want to know how your sponsor feels about something, ask them, and then try to take them at their word.)

If after you call your sponsor with some specific dates to meet you don't get an answer in a timely manner (I would say a day) and/or you get a call back but schedules are such that finding a time to meet is nearly an insurmountable task, then perhaps it is time to look for a different sponsor.

Because you definitely deserve someone whom you not only have a great rapport with, but who is available enough for you to feel connected to as a sponsor. 

Coming back from a relapse is no easy journey -- now that you're back you want to make good use of all the tools of recovery to stay back -- and sponsorship is a vital tool in that process.

Hope that was helpful!

Cheers!

Mr. SP

Some days are hard, and it feels like this:

A mystery solved

Well, it turns out that some of the emails people have sent me were shunted into my Spam folder -- I have no idea why.

It never even occurred to me to check that folder till I moused over it and saw it had a bunch of stuff in it.

So my sincere apologies to those who wrote in and never got any response at all -- I'll get cracking on those asap.

Questions via Email: What a mess.

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

In my state we have a special program run through the courts and the DMV which under certain conditions, (most usually following multiple DUI charges and a sentence to attend 12 Step meetings) requires a sponsor to "stand up for" their sponsee.  A friend of mine was involved in this, and at the time of their hearing my friend and their sponsor were having a bit of a love fest.  My friend had a bit of a revolving door sobriety, usually getting to the 90 day mark and then relapsing and returning.  They are newly dually diagnosed which of course complicated -- and no doubt contributed to -- their relapses.  With the help of a therapist they decided to choose a different sponsor.

Some weeks later their former sponsor has written an unsolicited letter to the DMV revealing 5th Step information.  (Now I cannot speak to the former sponsor's motivation regarding whether it was vindictiveness or misplaced uber sponsor loving).  In any case it is a violation.  I asked an old timer who suggested calling Central Office?  Does my friend have any recourse?  What do you think?

Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

I kept having to reread this question because at every new turn in the story I would go, "Huh?" and back up to see if I had missed something.  What a mess.  To try and sort things out I am going to have to answer in kind of a list format -- I'm afraid I must warn you in advance that there are bits of my answer which will stray dangerously close to my opinion -- sorry, I'll try to keep it in check but ... eee gads, what a mess.

1.  I have heard of friends and sponsors showing up in court to support people, write letters volunteering character references or in some kind of "friend of the court" angle trying to explain that since so-and-so has come to AA they've been a model sober sort.  Doing this as a person, a friend, is all well and good.  Lovely.  Warm.  Supportive.  The fellowship in action.  Anything that sets the sponsor up as some sort of expert or authority to "vouch" for someone is a bad, effed up thing, in my humble opinion.  The courts have no real understanding of what the 12 Step deal is, they're just funneling people as part of a (misguided, again, my opinion) stab at harm reduction.  Yes, I know people who came in on Court Cards, or people that showed up, left, and then came back some time later, grateful for that early contact the court sentence gave them ... but in my heart I've always been troubled by the legal systems compelling people to attend 12 Step meetings.  Yes, without a doubt it helped some people that are important to me find their way to AA -- but it still seems wrong somehow -- and there's just no way to ever measure if it's done more harm than good.  Regardless, a sponsor is just another drunk trying to stay sober, and the system itself is flawed if they are placing any kind of diagnostic or administrative responsibility/authority on the sponsor to "stand up for" their sponsee.

2.  By "love fest" I assume you mean that they were close and had a good rapport, but not romantic.

3.  What the hell is your friend's therapist doing getting mixed up in who should sponsor your friend?  That's a mess right there (unless by "love fest" you meant that they were romantically involved, but other readers will have to take my word for it that in the unchanged email that Concerned Friend sent me -- that is, before I blurred details and took the genders and some specifics out -- it seemed unlikely that "love fest" meant romance.)  I don't know what kind of therapist is making suggestions of any sort about sponsorship, but it sounds like a bad practice to me.

4.  There is never, ever an acceptable motivation or reason to reveal what someone in AA has told you in confidence in the role of sponsor, be it in an inventory, or just plain telling you.  The motivation is irrelevant.  A person who would do that will likely wind up drunk -- let's just hope they don't damage too many others on their way out.

5.  I don't know why you would call Central Office, or what anyone might expect them to do about it.  They are not a governing body, they have no authority -- no one in AA holds authority over anyone else.  They cannot "censure" anyone, nor can they contact the court, the DMV or your great Aunt Maude on anyone's behalf. 

6.  There is no recourse in any of this for your friend, other than to choose not to interact with their former sponsor, and begin to try to pray for a forgiving heart.  And maybe to look for a therapist who has a better set of boundaries.  And to understand that no matter how many diagnosises they may have, you need to match the treatment to the condition.

7.  I think you are well intentioned in trying to help your friend, but you are, as the kids say, "all up in this" and that sounds like its own kind of mess.  I think you can be a loving helpful friend but not try to wade in and fix anything.  That would be my suggestion to you.

And finally,

8.  If your friend has a habit of driving under the influence, then I believe their charges should not be reduced, and they should lose their license for the maximum length of time.  In fact, if I ran the circus, anyone who got popped for driving under the influence would lose their license for a year solid, no exceptions and no conditional driving (like to-and-from work) allowed.  (And you don't even want to hear what I think should happen to second offense or multiple offense people.  Though phrases like "fire ants" and " continuous low voltage" and "mandatory organ donation" all figure prominently in it.)

That doesn't really address anything in your question, I just had to get it off my chest.  Anything that helps reduce the consequences for an alcoholic in any way at all is rarely a good thing.

Hope some of that helps with this tangle.

Cheers.