Mr. SponsorPants

Actually, this isn't so far off from what my prayers are really like, lately...

Mr. SponsorPants:  God?

GOD:  Yes?

Mr. SP:  Thank you.

GOD:  You're welcome.  Anything special you're grateful for right now?  Or is this another one of your blanket, sweeping "I'm working on my attitude and my gratitude" kinds of prayers.

Mr. SP:  No, I'm grateful for something specific -- deeply grateful.  But, you know those general thank you's -- I always deeply mean those, too.

A pause.

GOD:  You sure you want to go with that?  Gonna let that statement stand, are you?

Another pause.

Mr. SP: Wellllll... how about I often mean it, and when I don't, I'm sincerely trying to mean it, and very occasionally -- I would go so far as to say rarely, even -- I am mmmaybe saying I'm grateful -- or willing -- to try to get You or the Universe or Whatever to give me something I want -- but only rarely!  Usually I really mean it.

GOD:  Okay.  I'll buy that.   What, right now, are you specifically grateful for?

Mr. SP:  Today, really -- and I suppose after all this time it's silly to make a big deal out of it -- I'm grateful for my sobriety.  I don't mean it's silly to be grateful for being sober, I just mean I've said 'thank you' for my sobriety so often that ... well, it's a gratitude constant.  But I just ... I have maybe never been more aware of how, without the Grace that You have given me, I wouldn't stand a chance against my alcoholism.  Alone I wouldn't last a week.  Maybe not even a day... an hour...

GOD:  Five minutes.

Mr. SP:  Hey!

GOD:  You started the countdown, I was just keeping with the theme.  But I must say, Mr. SponsorPants, it is quite deft of you to be able to go from gratitude to indignation so quickly. 

Mr. SP:  Uh, yeah.  Sorry.

GOD:  Don't mention it.

Mr. SP (mutters): Well, actually, You mentioned it.

GOD:  Eh?

Mr. SP:  Nothing.  Nothing -- never mind.  Look, we're off track, and truly, I am profoundly grateful for being sober today.  All week I have witnessed the breathtaking scope of addiction; its cunning, its insanity, the dark magic it works in peoples' minds, to make the very thing that will destroy them the only thing they think they want -- or the only choice they think they can make.  Today I am so humbled and grateful that I am sober... just ... just, thank you, God.

GOD:  You're welcome.  But...

Mr. SP:  But? You have a 'but'?

GOD:  But I hear the other thing.  I hear the question, Mr. SponsorPants.  I hear it even though you haven't asked it.  I hear it chanted in your secret heart, over and over sometimes.  Go ahead, Mr. SponsorPants.  Ask.

Mr. SP:  Won't You be mad if I do? 

GOD:  Do you believe in a God that gets mad at you?

Mr. SP (laughs):  Actually, no.  I haven't believed that for a long, long time.

GOD:  Then ask.

Mr. SP (whispers):  Why me?

GOD:  'Why you' what?

Mr. SP:  Why did You extend Grace to me?  Why did I get such a precious gift, when all this week -- hell, for more than 20 years, really -- I have seen men and women who seem, to me at least, equally deserving (if not more so) than I am of receiving your Grace?

GOD:  The best answer I can offer you, Mr. SponsorPants, is actually to ask you a question in return.

Mr. SP (mutters):  Great.  Gonna be cryptic.  I hate cryptic.

GOD:  What was that?

Mr. SP:  Not important.  Sorry.  So You are answering my question with a question.  Right.  Okay.  Shoot.

GOD:  What makes you think that I didn't give those people Grace as well?  Their path -- and their choices -- are between them and Me, Mr. Sponsorpants.  I'm afraid you haven't the capacity to fully grasp more than that.  Your job is to be helpful to people on their path, not to try to understand their path.  But more than that, tell Me, what makes you think, deep down, in all these comparisons with others you seem so fond of some days, that you aren't every bit as deserving of My Grace as anyone else?

Mr. SP:  Well, I never really... hey!  Waitaminute.   That answer was actually 2 questions.

GOD:  Yes, but since you're not good at math, I didn't think you'd notice.

Mr. SP:  Could You make me good at math?

GOD:  Make you good at math?  Oh, come now, Mr. SponsorPants, some miracles are too much even for Me to perform.

Mr. SP:  Hey!  Okay, now that was a cheap shot!  You know, I can always choose another Higher Power if I have to...

GOD:  Go ahead.  Be My guest...  (mutters) still won't make you good at math.

Mr. SP:  I heard that!

And now, a brief reminder from our friends in Narcotics Anonymous:

If you always do what you always did
you'll always get what you always got.

Questions via Email: Daughter in Alanon. Mother in AA. Trouble letting go of trouble at the hols.

 

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants,

 I am a daily reader of yours.  I am 47, an Alanoner, and the daughter of an AA mom who just passed her 10-year mark.  I believe my mom works an honest, old-fashioned program and stays close to her AA friends and fellowship.  I love my mother and truly believe she is the most beautiful woman in the world.

The problem I have is that I cannot be around her and even speaking to her on the phone is a walk of faith.  We live 1000 miles apart and our history is a rocky one that has given me ample opportunity to find willingness and learn about myself.  I have a lot of resentments to still work thru but I have a sponsor for that.  My side of the street is half-clean and I have a broom in my hand.  This is my problem…

Two years ago over the holidays, I was visiting back home after a grueling couple of weeks running between where my parents live, trying to finish up tasks relating to the death of an aunt, and where I live in [place far from parents’ home], so had been away from my own home awhile, and all the traveling had finally caught up with me.  I arrived at my mother’s in less than great condition.  I went to the doctor, got on some antibiotics , and felt better within a few days.  I was still not feeling up to par but tried to be a good houseguest.  Everything went to shit the night after our family dinner.  After a minor incident (I screwed the top back on her coffee carafe wrong), she did a Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde on me.  I grew up with this type of behavior so it wasn’t totally unfamiliar.  It had been so long since I had been the target of her outbursts that I felt blindsided and just kind of went into shock.  I sat in a chair while she yelled, screamed, paced, ranted, and proceeded to tell me I ruined her life, I wanted her to drink, I was ungrateful, I was a “fucking bitch” and a loser.  These are just a few of the rants as it went on for 30 minutes while I sat in a chair, shaking, wondering where the hell this had come from.  I have a program, I used it, I got out of there when I could and drove 1000 miles home.  Drama…..geez

Since I am not a victim, before I left, I tried to tell her I was sorry for the carafe thing and if I broke it I would, of course, replace it.  This was my part.  I have worked my own program, prayed, shared, and I have (tried to) let it go.  The stuff that she said that touched a nerve, I have looked at.  I can’t undo a teen pregnancy, but I can share with her that my birth-son is happy and grateful for my decision to choose adoption.  She does not speak of him so I quit.  I can’t undo years of draining them financially due to my many poor decisions.  What I can do is go back to college and become financially self-sufficient and teach my children good financial lessons so that my bad habits aren’t repeated another generation.  I can’t go back and become a grateful daughter who appreciates her parents but I can be a grateful daughter now who has thanked her parents for all they did… and meant it.  My problem is that, in her eyes, I am an ungrateful loser who wants her to drink.  I know that sobriety and recovery (or sanity and serenity, in my case) don’t make us instantly able to handle all things well.  But I can’t be around my mother because I will not put myself out there as a target for her.  I can barely talk to her.  I guess, I just need an opinion from someone in the big rooms on this.  I attend at least two open AA speaker meetings a month so I can hear about hope and the challenges of sobriety in order to understand but I’m at a loss and if it’s me, then I just can’t see what is on my side and what isn’t….help.

Thank you,

K.

 

 

K,

Your email has really stayed with me -- nothing is tougher than family confrontation, I fear.
No doubt you've heard this, but it's so on point for what you're dealing with:  No one pushes your buttons like your family -- after all, they installed them.

First off, obviously in the Big Picture you're doing a great job of dealing with your own ism's -- your fluency with the tools of recovery and your own commitment to working the 12 Steps shine through in what you've written here.  And in the clutch of a difficult situation, you took care of yourself and left the toxic-zone as quickly as you could.  Well done, K.  That's the point of the work that we do -- to have the tools and to use them when we need them.

The biggest question, and the gravest concern to me out of this whole thing, is your mother's claim that "... you want her to drink."  The dysfunction of such a statement is breathtaking.  It hints at the idea that sobriety is a "success" and drinking a "failure," or speaks to ... low grade paranoia?  Most likely, in my humble opinion (and also most troubling) is that it might be a kind of projection/transference.  Your mother is the one who wants your mother to drink, and she's setting you up as the person/relationship that "makes" her drink.

(An alcoholic with someone to blame is a very, very happy creature.  We are the heat-seeking missiles of blame.  Yes, that's apt:  We are blame-seeking missiles. Target locked and:  Boom! Blame.)

Good news!

(Huh? No, really, there's good news here).

I've wanted to drink a number of times in 20 plus years.  Wanting to drink, being fascinated with drinking (in the same way I might have a sick and fearful fascination towards a loaded gun on the kitchen table), trying out different people in my life as the fall guy for "making me" self destruct -- none of that is unusual for alcoholics in the least.  As we peel the proverbial onion we sometimes demonstrate the symptoms of powerful spiritual sickness on the way to mending.  As I've mentioned here before, in many ways I was crazier at 8 years sober than I was at 2 years sober.  Sometimes to get better deep down I am messier up top for a while.  Or, as in your mother's case, maybe messy like I used to be.

And that observation is a part of the solution for you.  You know this in your head, but now it's time to turn up the volume of this knowledge in your gut:  Your mother is a very sick woman.  Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Imagine how you would feel if she where clinically diagnosed with ... say ... schizophrenia, and instead of saying that you were a bitch and a loser and you wanted her to drink she was screaming to everyone that you were an alien from planet Xenon and you were impersonating her daughter.  You would be distraught, frightened, angry at her mental illness -- even angry with God for giving your mother this tough path and angry at God for giving you a nutty mom -- BUT you likely wouldn't have hurt feelings that your mother was calling you a Xenonite.  (Xenofile?  Xenoan!) 

THAT'S how to try to view your mother's behavior and her alcoholism -- but not with all the knowledge you have about alcoholism in your head -- rather, with your gut and your heart.

Granted, it is almost impossible not to feel the gut-punch of such a primal relationship as one's parent spitting poison at you, but lean into the observation that she is spiritually sick, and incorporate it as best you can on that same gut level -- I guess I'm kind of describing the difference between knowing and believing.

If you can do that I think it will work like a bullet-proof vest is supposed to work:  When you’re wearing a bullet-proof vest and you get shot, the bullet doesn't wound in the way that bullets do, that is, it's prevented from entering your body and doing serious internal injury, but man-oh-man, you know you've been shot -- it's like a kick to the chest, and it usually leaves a bruise that's going to take a bit to fade.  So incorporating this gut-knowledge, this belief in the disease, in how you deal with your mother's toxic behavior will render her hurtful words more like a strike that leaves a bruise rather than something which goes all the way in and tears you up.  And then, if you must, you can leave (as you have literal combat experience in doing) with less damage and thus an easier time in letting things go and healing.

Finally, and I'm not trying to be cute here, is it possible that your mother's alcoholism is being heightened right now by any other medical conditions?  Do the numbers work for her to be entering, or in the middle of, menopause?  Are there any new medications in your mom's life that might have side-effects which impact mood or impulse control?  Worth considering.  I'm not suggesting you charge in and try to address these issues -- far from it.  Merely offering some additional considerations to help put context on what sounds to me like an alcoholic in tantrum/regret/resentment mode.

For what it's worth, two more things, plus one tough question and one tough nugget (so I guess that would be four more things, total.  Sorry, not a math guy):

In my own inventory work, whenever I'm flinging recriminations about (so fun and so sick -- like a monkey throwing poo, really) it is a sign of a deep, deep fear.  I would surmise that maybe your mother has powerful guilt and shame about some of your troubling times -- mothers often personalize things about their children, in my humble experience.  After all (in her head) if she'd been a better mother, then you wouldn't have had some of the troubles you had -- and, my God!  Everyone (i.e. some never-completely-stilled critical voice in her head) everyone else must think that!  Thus your life mistakes reflect on your mom -- my God!  Is that not alcoholic or what?  "What you did and what you do says something about me -- and now everyone is judging me because of you!"  Parental instincts are tough enough to keep in balance -- weave alcoholism through them and ... wow.  So for what it's worth, remember, as painful as it is to deal with her, it might be even more painful in some ways being her.  Ten years along, sober and in AA, she might just now have some of the toughest things she needs to look at bubbling to the surface.  That is naturally no excuse for abusing you, but again, this is context from the alcoholic's side of the street.

They tell me that God heals everything.  That there is no problem, no situation, that enough love and enough God can't overcome.  I cannot say that I always believe that as much as I want to -- BUT I have seen amazing, unexpected, truly miraculous things happen when people turned the God Ray on some family situations.  So set the dial to 11 and ask, beg, implore, demand, request, state your case, threaten and pray to God to wade in there and make some Big Changes in some of the hearts involved.  Although doubt shadows my faith more often than I like, I can state unequivocally that when I have asked God, The Universe of The Great Whatever to help me, and I've been willing to accept and act on whatever kind of help came, Big Changes and Big Help did, indeed, always happen.

Here's the tough question, K:
What is your Mother's version of this story, I wonder.  Not that your version isn't right, or accurate, or well thought out or selflessly examined ... there is a great ring of truth in your whole email -- but ... as an exercise in empathy, as a flexing of the open-mind muscles, perhaps you should look at what your mother's version of this story might be.  What in your own alanonism is defining how your mother is supposed to be?  Wanting your mother to be healthy and non-abusive is not any kind of untreated alanonism -- but, at the same time, my experience with alanons is that there is often a shadow agenda, some picture they have in their head, perhaps hidden away, of how someone is supposed to "be."  And if there is any of that operating at all in an exchange, we alcoholics can sense it like ... well, like a telepath from the planet Xenon!  And then we aren't wholly responding to what you're saying, we're responding to that shadow agenda as well.

Again, wanting a sober, happy, non-toxic, non-abusive mother is NOT any kind of dysfunction -- my God! Of course not!  But in the dance of the isms, sometimes it's an out-and-out knife fight, and sometimes it's a far, far more subtle (and dangerous) engagement.  That's worth looking at too.

Now, the nugget.
I'm sorry, K, but not all relationships -- even Mom ones -- heal in the way we want them to.  What I want for you is a Big Insight to happen to your mother, and a tearful apology to follow, with a lot of new behaviors on her part falling into place -- kind of like a Lifetime movie, but with better music.

But life-on-life's-terms might mean that's not what you get.

You might just get, after a lot of hard, hard work, merely a relationship that's not getting any worse, a relationship that loses it's power to deeply wound you.  That's a tough thing, that's an unfair thing, but I'm afraid sometimes that's a true thing -- sometimes that's as good as it gets, and in an honest assessment of what you're facing that must be put on the table, too.

I am so grateful for your email, thinking about these things has shed insight into some of my own relationships, and my own part in some dynamics -- and that's what we do for each other -- so thank you for writing.

I hope (and pray) that you get a Lifetime Movie moment in the relationship with your Mom, but regardless, keep doing what you're doing, and while you may not get the Happy Ending we might envision, you will still get a Happy Ending.

Love,
Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

many fine slogans

AA has many fine slogans:
"Easy Does It."
"Live and Let Live."
"One Day at a Time."

"Figure Everything Out" is not one of them.

Questions via Email: 13 months sober; almost-ex wife is drinking; how do I handle how she speaks to the kids?

Thank you so much for your service and wisdom on this blog. The question I have is: What action do you take when others are being abused? (“I will not sit idly by…”). Earlier you wrote, “I leave or you leave if you want to behave in a toxic or hurtful (to me, to you, or to an innocent bystander) manner.” I am 13 months sober and my soon to be ex-wife is not. I identified with a lot of your boundaries ideas, but I’m confused about how to deal with her  verbally abusing our children (once I got my balls back and she realized I wouldn’t stand for it being directed at me) I come to their defense and it re-engages me. Sometimes it becomes a circular argument because I forgot the boundary and that I have choices. Maybe that is her objective.   Anyway, if you leave if someone is behaving hurtfully to the innocent, but will not sit idly by, can I say to the kids “I wouldn’t stand for anyone speaking to me that way and you don’t have to either. I’m going for a ride so why don’t you come with me. “??   Just writing that sounds bad. Kids in the middle, confused, picking sides. Dad is involved in the family again what’s up with that? Sure, Mom screams, but then a couple of days later she’s all better again.

Regards,   B.

B,

What I wrote -- and try to live by -- when it comes to boundaries in general, are broad guiding principles.  Each situation may bring one principle more to the fore than another.  I must trust that a consciousness literally free from alcohol and drugs, and spiritually free (as much as possible) from fear, and an ego constantly kept in check (again, as much as is humanly possible) will help me put those principles into practice appropriately in any given situation.

But B, you and your kids don't need some amorphous metaphysical answer.  You and your kids need real, specific and concrete help right now.

Contact Alanon and Alateen in your area  (Start here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ ).  You are dealing with a drinking alcoholic (or at this point in her life an alcohol abuser) -- the fact that you are an alcoholic in recovery doesn't change that fact -- while it may give you some special insight, it may also give you some particular vulnerabilities.  Get thee to an Alanon meeting, Mister --  but without cutting back on any AA meetings (at 13 months sober you are doing a terrific job building a strong foundation, I'm sure -- but you're still building.  If you put AA first you can't go wrong in that department.)  When you find an Alanon meeting that's a fit, keep going -- hit maybe one a week -- again, not instead of AA, in addition to.  (Just don't get any romantic entanglements going there.  For right now -- and maybe for a good while -- consider every woman in Alanon a "No Fly Zone" -- metaphorically and literally.  I cannot imagine a greater train-wreck than you in your first couple of years sober, your ex-wife a drinking alcoholic, and your new sweetheart a possibly slipping Alanon charging in to sort that all out.  My stomach does a slow and icy roll at the very thought of it.)

Get some Alateen literature and read it over yourself, then read it to or give it to your kids.  They need to be armed with information about the disease of alcoholism so that they can put their mother's toxic abuse (and yours, either from the past or in the future -- none of us get any guarantees, B) in context.  Also, find some Alateen meetings in your area and get you kids involved if you can.  You and I are personally acquainted with the intense healing power of peer support in 12 Step rooms.  That will be water in the desert for your kids as their mother's disease progresses -- which sadly, as we know, it inevitably will.  It is from Alateen and Alanon that you and your kids will find specific verbal, behavioral and spiritual tools to deal with verbal abuse from a family member who is an actively drinking alcoholic -- or even just an alcohol abuser.

When you write "Maybe that is her objective" in regards to getting you to engage all I can say is that it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Sounds to me like you have a clear head about the complexity of this situation and the many things that may be operating in the family dynamic.  But I've never yet met an alcoholic (most especially including myself) who didn't have a tough day when it all felt too much, and when the dominant thought was a fear-fueled "fuck it! I didn't sign on for this!"
On those days, grab that part of you by the shirt collar, give it a smart crack across the metaphorical face with the back of your hand, and shove it back down into the basement of your head where it belongs.  Mutter, "Tough shit, man up" to yourself and then pray like crazy.  Doing that may be very hard some days, but with kids involved you have no time for self pity I fear.  But the "fuck it" will pass -- even though when you're in it, as you are no doubt aware, it doesn't feel that way. 

Part of your living amends to your kids will be to stay -- one day at a time -- sober and involved in their lives.  "I didn't sign up for this!" is never a part of that.  I'm not saying that the feelings of being overwhelmed and wanting out will show up soon, or with that face or trying that rap, but eventually some form of it likely will -- so plan your strategy for how to deal with it now.

Remember, God will help you -- and as difficult as your going-to-be-ex-wife's behavior is sometimes, your kids are very likely smart enough to tell the difference between drunk mommy and not-drunk mommy, and you are a helluva good dad for being sharp enough to care, and in the game enough to do something about it.  If you stay sober -- one day at a time -- things WILL get better -- even if sometimes it seems as though they're not.

One last thing -- Alcoholics Anonymous strongly suggests making good use of "outside help" -- so a neutral third party might be of great assistance as well, especially when it comes to communication between you and your going-to-be-ex-wife.  A marriage and family counselor, a pastor, any trained professional who can provide a mitigating, calming, on-our-better-behavior influence would be a terrific aide if you can find one and get them involved somehow

This won't be easy, but that house is on fire and you're the only one with any water right now.  Good luck and god bless, you -- and your kids -- and your wife -- are all in my prayers today.

Get busy.

Love,
Mr. SponsorPants

p.s. -- this, from "Bill's Story," is worth remembering:

"... The joy of living we really have, even under pressure and difficulty.  I have seen hundreds of families set their feet in the path that really goes somewhere; have seen the most impossible domestic situations righted;  feuds and bitterness of all sorts wiped out.  I have seen men come out of asylums and resume a vital place in the lives of their families and communities... there is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us." -- Big Book, pg. 15

There is much to be hopeful for as well.  Take heart, and know that you are not alone in facing this.

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. Third in a series.

A fruitful conversation with a sponsee's sponsee (we really need a word for that, kids.  But personally I'm not big on the term "grandsponsee") reminded me of the following:

Believe people when they show you who they are.  If they couldn't respect your boundaries last week, and they couldn't respect your boundaries yesterday ... guess what?  They're not going to respect your boundaries today, either.

The first time someone crosses the line, it may have little or nothing to do with you.

(I said "may," please note -- my own personal "road to happy destiny" is littered with the corpses of my many denials.  I have been -- to crib a slang from across the Atlantic -- positively gobsmacked by some inventories and what they have revealed to me about how big my part in something can be, and how I am so often the author of my resentment, disappointment or frustration.)

But, as it quite wisely points out in the very beginning of the discussion about the 4th Step in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book)  "... the world and its people are often quite wrong."  So there are occasions where someone else's spiritual sickness causes them to "step on my toes" and I actually didn't have much to do with it.  I didn't put my toes underfoot that first time.

The problem for the doormat drunks out there is that we don't appropriately speak up -- or if we do, we don't hold the line.  We resent the toe-stepper, and we resent ourselves for not speaking up or sticking to our proverbial guns.  So in some cases, when trying to sort out my resentments in a four column inventory format, "my part" is not that I created a scenario in which I put myself in a position to be harmed -- my part in the resentment becomes that I keep showing up for it.

In developing healthy relations with others (a "moving and fascinating adventure" as it is described in AA literature, and occasionally when I read that I think, "damn straight, skippy") understanding what a boundary is, and how to set it, is key.  Here are some thoughts I've had on that.

Cheers!

NPR: Prayer May Reshape Your Brain ... And Your Reality -- which is good, since both of mine are still a work in progress.

If you poke around over on the NPR site there is a fascinating series about prayer, meditation, spirituality and the brain.  In particular, the piece "Prayer May Reshape Your Brain ... And Your Reality" intrigued me.  There is both an article and an excellent audio piece I recommend - 8 minutes and 7 seconds long, if you have the time (for me it got very interesting around the 4:17 mark).

I must confess, though, that what left me irritated with myself was -- and I am chagrined to write it here -- my reaction to some of the study subjects' prayer and meditation routines.  Many of these people pray and/or meditate one to two hours a day, every day*. 

Personally, I have had some pretty profound spiritual experiences -- this whole damn blog came from one, in fact -- but ... one to two hours?  For reals?  To say that I find that daunting is ...

well, actually it's inaccurate.  I don't find it daunting. I find it ... well, the truth is it sounds really, really boring to me. 

Now, I am the kind of man who, when I was drinking and using, could spend literally 8 hours sitting on the same bar stool drinking.  8 hours.

And I suggest to people all the time that if they "turn up the volume" on their spiritual practice they will garner greater results.

Yet my first reaction to setting the bar at, oh, let's say one hour, in prayer and mediation a day is that I'm worried I'll be bored?

Jeeze, that's pretty sad.

But of course, by now AA has ingrained in me certain tools that come easily to hand when faced with a problem that either daunts, or, as in this case, embarrasses me:

I'll pray about it.

No, really.

I don't think I'll be praying for an hour to ask God, the Universe or The Great Whatever to help me to pray for an hour -- but I think that a major addition to my prayer routine now (which, I confess, is pretty solid.  It's not that I don't pray, or meditate every day ... it's just that I'm really ... ummmm ... efficient at it) will be to ask for the willingness and the focus and the desire to spend more time doing so.

And I will let you know here how it goes.

*Unfortunately one of them also sound a little crazy to me, which doesn't help when it comes to keeping an open mind on all things spiritual.  I am, it seems, still a terrible and judgmental man.  Stick with me, though -- I'm working on it.  But really, I might find a personal exchange with someone like that very trying:  "So, how's the coffee here?"  "God told me it was excellent."  "Ooookay."

(And how's that for effed up?  I mock the very things that I've experienced and written about here at Mr. SponsorPants:  Prayer, contact with a God of your understanding, etc.  What terrible pseudo-intellectual superiority do I still labor under?  I'm not sure, but I admit it's occasionally good for a few laughs as I go through my day.  I suppose the real trick is to take the seeking of a contact with God seriously, but not ourselves.  If, on occasion, my "not taking seriously" spills over onto other people ... well ... sorry!  Like I said, working on it.)

Questions via Email: 63 Days sober, how to handle anonymity at a new job?

Mr. SponsorPants,

I was unemployed when I got sober (first time sober) and I just got a job.  I'm 63 days sober and I feel good about it.  I'm even kind of proud.  I said to a friend in AA yesterday that I thought maybe I would tell some people at the new job that I'm sober, but he said maybe I should not break my anonymity.  How do you handle anonymity and work and stuff?

63 days and counting.

Dear 63,

Well first off, congratulations on landing a job, but even bigger than that, congratulations on being 63 days sober!  Sounds to me like you and AA are a good fit, and when that's the case I have seen nothing but wonderful things come of that -- so congrats congrats congrats!

Years ago, I proudly told my Sarcastic Sponsor that I had put an AA bumper sticker on my car.  To tell you the truth I don't even remember which bumper sticker it was; probably "This Too Shall Pass," which was as much about me trying to be clever as it was to carry any kind of message.  Or maybe it was the AA triangle-in-a-circle symbol.  Anyway, after my big announcement, he sort of looked at me sideways and said, "Well, okay, that's nice, but now you can't drive like an asshole."

And even years before that, when discussing breaking my anonymity, my nice First Sponsor put it a little more kindly, as was his style:  "Just remember, you may be the only example of the Big Book that anyone ever sees."

The point being that if I'm going to identify myself as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous I should be aware that I now, in some way, represent AA to people who may not know much more about us than our name.

So here's the tough question right at the outset (you knew there had to be some tough questions coming, right?):
An example of the Big Book -- you up for that?  Because, 63, if you run around and blab to everyone at the new job you're in AA, and then -- let's come up with a total hypothetical here -- you get fired for stealing, well, that's not going to look so good for AA.  And let me be clear:  I am not worried you're going to make AA look bad.  I'm saying that there may be someone around you in that work environment who will need AA, or is involved with someone who will need AA, and you've now possibly planted a negative seed about people in Alcoholics Anonymous -- created a bit more of a barrier for them to come to a meeting with an open mind to check us out.  Thus, I think it's fair to say that breaking your anonymity carries with it a certain responsibility.

When you break your anonymity, you don't have to be Mr. Nice Guy all the time -- but you should be aware that if you act like a jerk you're probably not going to make any 12th Step opportunities which may present themselves on the job any easier.  Ultimately it's never about saving face, or making AA look good -- it's always always always about keeping ourselves in maximum readiness to be helpful to another alcoholic.

And, as a point of clarification, saying "I don't drink" is not the same as breaking your anonymity.  Even saying you are sober is not breaking your anonymity, though people now, with public awareness as high as it is on these matters, often then assume this means you're in some kind of "program" -- saying you are a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is breaking your anonymity -- which, by the way, you have a perfect right to do, person-to-person, as long as there are no cameras pointed your way, or you are not at a press conference or addressing any other medium of public disclosure.

Here's another tough question to ask yourself, 63: 

Is it possible -- even in an itty-bitty, teeny-tiny, microscopic corner of your head, that you might want to use the fact that you're a recovering alcoholic in AA as an excuse, down the line?  Are you maybe motivated by wanting to be treated "special," with kid gloves, or be allowed to "slide" on a few things because you are this damaged, fragile AA person?

I truly understand what it feels like to be so "high" on sobriety and AA that you want to tell everyone that you're sober, and go on to tell them all about AA, and how amazing it all feels ... but ... go slowly, in every area, on that front.  All of AA's suggestions, principles, steps and traditions were developed the hard way:  Through bitter, bloody, hard-won experience.  So even when we don't immediately grasp their purpose it's always wise to take their counsel.

And (sorry) here's another tough question (man, you're regreting you asked now, I fear):

Are you, maybe, possibly, indulging in a little bit of "trying to control what other people think of you" by breaking your anonymity?  That is, are you wrapping yourself up in this "good" label to have yourself seen as a better person?  Most of us sober are better people -- better than the way we used to be that is, not better than the other folks around us.  If that's at all possibly the case, then my suggestion is to show them what a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous is like as a co-worker, rather than tell them up front and have to either overcome, or live up to, preconceived and possibly inaccurate ideas about AA and people in recovery.

A few last things:

You have every right to tell whomever you like that you're in AA, but always remember, you can never un-break your anonymity, so the wise move is to resist the impulse to blurt and go s-l-o-w.

Whenever my motive is to be helpful to someone, I am pretty much safe in whatever my actions are, so as cautionary as I am being in this answer, it is equally true that there may be some future co-worker whom you haven't met yet that is (maybe literally) dying for your help, and for you to carry AA's message to them.  So if you think you can help, don't hold back.  Just remember, there may be consequences; not everyone may be as good a fit with AA as you are.  But being the hand of AA when someone is in need is all of our jobs -- in fact, that's our real job -- and frankly all other work we have is second to that.

Finally, you may ask yourself, why even bother with anonymity, anyway?  It's a fair question to ask, in the 21st Century.  Does this concept even have relevance anymore?  Here are my thoughts on that.

Again, congratulations on 63 (more, by the time you read this!) days sober!  You are building a foundation for changing your life in wonderful and profound ways.  Lean into it and you will not only find that things get better -- you will experience a life of great purpose, and witness real miracles -- just by looking in the mirror.

Cheers!
Mr. SP

It's incredible.

Remember this guy?  After almost ten years sober he relapsed.  And then, only a few short months after picking up, he misfired a self-administered injection into an artery, resulting in catastrophic damage, eventually leading to the amputation of four fingers on one hand, down to the second knuckle.

He called my sponsee today, and told him that while on a trip out of town he had started using again, but it was okay because "he was having fun."

Think about that call for a moment.

Visualize the fact that simply to make the call in which you say such a thing requires you to hold the phone in your one "good" hand, because the other is literally maimed from the consequences of your addiction.

It's incredible.

But not that he relapsed.

It is not incredible that, in the face of such shocking, tangible and literally ever-present, in-your-face consequences to his first slip, he is using again in so short a time.

What's actually incredible is that I, or any person in recovery reading this right now, is sober.

Via either a too early, often ugly death, or a pathetically withered and diminished life, the fact is, that in one form or another, addiction claims most addicts.

In the face of a disease which warps your perspective on reality itself, and uses your own thinking against you, to be clean and sober, one day at a time, is incredible.

So today, if you are suffering from acute fear or self-doubt, if you are feeling that uniquely 12 Step double-whammy from the consequences of a particular character defect coupled with the self awareness that those consequences are so often created by your own hand; if you can't let go of your anxiety about tomorrow, or, try as you might, a regret about yesterday ... please, just stop.

Stop, and consider who you were, and how addiction rode you, and how today -- which is literally all we have -- just for today you are free from that.

Sure, sure, we have to work like hell to keep it, and we get mugged by all kinds of alcoholic thinking and behavior even after we set down the drink (or the crack pipe, or whatever you used) but the lumps and bruises acquired in sobriety are as nothing compared to where we were.  The toughest day clean and sober is actually not so very tough next to who and how we were and what we were driven to do.

The consequence for this particular addict was the physical amputation of his fingers -- but the consequence for every addict when we use -- or use again -- is the amputation of our spirit.  The maiming of the full, real, essential you -- the person you were meant to grow into being.  That's not just poetry -- I imagine there is not a member of any 12 Step program reading this right now who cannot think of someone they knew who had been clean and then relapsed, and how when they did the light which had come to life in their eyes flickered and went out.  What is that but an amputation of the spirit, a maiming to the fullness of who we can be?

If you are an addict of any stripe, recovery is hard won and no small thing.  It's the paradox of a gift of Grace which we work to keep.  Let go of the should's and the what if's and the oh no's today.

Think of how different you are now.  Savor the freedom of being clean and sober today.

Truly, it's incredible.

when I have a problem with what I'm hearing in an AA Meeting

I was struck, at my regular meeting the other morning, how many solutions were offered as people shared.

Suggestions for how to handle fear, practical ideas for incorporating faith into your work day, healthy talk about the challenge in letting go of resentments.  Solution after solution after solution.

It was a veritable solutionpalooza.

And at the end of the meeting, after almost an hour of this brilliance, it struck me that if you had recorded the meeting, and played it back to me when I was spiritually unfit, all I would have heard people talking about was their problems, not their solutions.

All of which is to say that, when I have a problem with what I'm hearing in an AA Meeting, it is likely that the actual problem has nothing to do with their sharing.

The problem is very (very) likely entirely to do with my hearing.