I have heard some people say, when sharing about their sponsor, words to the effect, "... and I've had the same sponsor for the whole X years I've been sober!" or some similar assertion as to never having changed sponsors.
It seems to me that, if they're not bragging exactly, there's an inference that this is somehow better than having had different sponsors over the course of your sobriety.
In my experience it's less about how many sponsors you've had than why you change from one to another.
Myself, in more than 20 years sober I've had 6 sponsors.
When I've changed sponsors it's been for a number of reasons; primarily geographical or spiritual. In each case the reason seemed pretty good for my ongoing sobriety, yet I usually ran it by my sober "posse" to make sure I wasn't kidding myself about one thing or another. (That's a life saving habit, kids, to keep airing your thoughts with not just a spiritual mentor but your sober peers as well.)
But of all the different times and various reasons that made changing sponsors seem like a good, sound idea, I did not decide to change when, about 16 or so years ago, the man I had sponsoring me at the time was arrested for lewd conduct.
This is not a story about loyalty.
I'd moved to a new city, and was keenly aware that at only a handful of years sober it was a very, very bad idea to be "flying solo." This was my first "big" move in sobriety, and from it I learned the unsettling lesson that not all AA meetings have the same customs as the ones I got sober in -- or, to quote one of my friends, "Nobody makes lasagna like your momma makes lasagna."
But as has been the case with every new AA community I've moved into, I understood deep down that those people had my life in their hands, and it was up to me to make it work. So I got busy taking service commitments and raising my hand to say I was there and sober and new in town. There was a lot of "fake it till you make it" going on for me at that time. I was pretending I was comfortable, pretending I liked the meeting formats, pretending I didn't want to leave the meeting half way through with an excuse that I'd left something in my car or had an appointment to give blood or had promised I'd distribute blankets to the little children of the poor. In truth at the time I was very, very lonely. The job I had taken for the move was a terrible fit for me (one word: Accounting. Which is a little bit like thinking Liberace would make a good bullfighter because he liked satin pants and big capes. One might see how you could draw such a conclusion at first glance, but even the bull is puzzled by how it plays out) and I really missed my old sober stomping grounds and friends.
I heard him speak in my first week in the new town, and what he said resonated with me -- I knew if I put it off I'd never ask him to sponsor me, so I asked him on the spot. He was an imposing figure, a bit like Ichabod Crane on steroids. Or Captain Hook without the hook and the pirate drag. Somehow he managed to be both very tall and a bit stoop shouldered, with strong features and eyebrows that could call you a liar.
Seriously. Half way through offering him some bullshit excuse he would just look at me, deadpan, and one eyebrow would s-l-o-w-l-y start to go up - the only thing on his whole face that was moving. If I had rehearsed my excuse enough, and had the temerity to continue to spin my sorry tale, the other eyebrow would decide that the first must be lonely up there, and would s-l-o-w-l-y rise to join its brother, leaving my sponsor looking, not surprised in general, so much as surprised I could still possibly be trying to convince him that what I was saying had any merit.
Up until him my sponsors had been warm and accepting, with lots of sage, paternal advice, offered in such a way as to make it easy to imagine them on the other end of the phone wearing a cardigan sweater and smoking a pipe.
Not him.
He had no patience with alcoholism or nonsense. He did not, as the expression goes, suffer fools gladly. And when he was not suffering fools, he was sarcastic about it.
Eyebrow Number One begins the ascent.
Eyebrow Number One has hit the apex, and at the phrase "cover my commitment" Eyebrow Number Two starts to float upwards.
And then I offered a weak laugh.
Now, the truth was that this Friday night meeting intimidated me, and I'd have scheduled a colonoscopy for that night if I could have, rather than go and make coffee for that crew. I wasn't even that crazy about the band playing ... I just wanted a good reason to dodge the meeting, and I figured the price of a concert ticket and a little spin on how much I liked the band might be reason enough.
He looked at me for what was probably just a few seconds, but felt like forever, with virtually no expression, his eyebrows back to cruising altitude. Then, he offers me this:
Him: Well, here's a thought -- why don't you skip the meeting and go to the concert, and then, some sad night in the future, if you think you're going to drink, call the band, and see if they can help you stay sober.
And then he turned and walked away.
I thought sponsors were supposed to be nice! But him? He was sarcastic! Downright rude!
And exactly what I needed at the time.
End of Part 1
You know, I'm glad that you didn't use the words "fired my sponsor."
I have never understood that. No one is getting paid (we hope) and no one has been hired, so how can anyone be fired?
It certainly isn't in the Big Book, but neither is anything about sponsorship really. Where did that start? It's so ugly and pointless.
There is one geriatric guru guy at my home group who has a posse of sponsees and he says that he reviews their sponsorship agreement every month and decides if he will "fire" them or not (which it seems that he could do any day anyway). The result is that those guys are always on pins and needles. I don't think the whole thing is very good.
Posted by: mfore4 | June 17, 2009 at 09:47 AM
I have one like that, I couldn't fire my first sponsor if I tried, I couldn't even hire him, it just worked and there was nothing I could do not to absorb the impact and nothing I could do to keep from moving after the impact happened.
I have, since, hired a new sponsor (LOL) because I can't help but feel connected somehow and I have the desire to understnad the rest, my downfall and saving grace is continued thirst... for LIFE!
I've never been so happy to not want to be "me" and t know that that is directly due to my need to belong to a community of people who want to be a part of God's world, cause He built me "that way."
:) Thanks for your continued posts, I'm learning and my perspective is changing as I continue to read and contemplate.
Posted by: Jessie R | June 18, 2009 at 07:54 AM
I like no BS people. Your sponsor sounds like a good one.
Posted by: Syd | June 18, 2009 at 11:11 AM