Questions via email: Newcomer girl wants sex

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Newcomer girl wants sex.  What should I do I know someone is going to do it.

Signed,
Ethical Fellow

Dear Ethical Fellow,

Before I answer you directly, let's hear from some other sources.

First, a quick quote from the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book) on the topic of sex:

"God alone can judge our sex situation.  Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge.  We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose.  We avoid hysterical thinking or advice." -- Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works" pgs. 69 - 70

And now, a sound bite from Cheap Trick:

"I want you to want me.  I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me.  I'm beggin' you to beg me." -- Opening stanza of 'I Want You To Want Me' by Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick, 1977

And finally, a word from (of all people) Henry Kissinger -- I tried to confirm the source on this, I'd always heard it was Henry, but the Internet let me down on that one -- anyway, if it wasn't him, it should have been:

"Everything is about sex except sex.  Sex is about power."

Ethical Fellow, the brevity of your email speaks to a real concern about this situation, and I sincerely admire that.

It is my opinion that when people who are new to Alcoholics Anonymous show you their sexuality, they are not actually showing you their sexuality, they are showing you their damage.  Or their ego.  Or their fear.  Because I think when people are newly sober, adrift without any of their old coping mechanisms, Cheap Trick said it best:  I want you to want me.

Let me make a leap sideways here for a minute. 

When I first showed up in Alcoholics Anonymous I was madly trying to entertain everyone -- and I was okay at it, even if it was sometimes more from desperation (as it was then) than joy (as it feels like now).  Without a drink in my hand, I had no idea how to be with people -- so I fell back on this other, core, primary defense mechanism: making people laugh.  And if people hadn't laughed (occasionally) at my wisecracks, I wouldn't have felt safe or welcome, no matter how much everyone told me that I was safe and welcome in AA -- and that might have made it harder for me to come back. 

I believe for some newcomers, sex, flirtation and sexuality is their version of my mad need to entertain when I was new.  Maybe part of their background (and damage) is that the only place they felt valued or had any safety/power was in being desired -- not even necessarily going through with the act, but in getting an invitation to the dance, so to speak.

As I'm sure you're aware, the problem arises when other people in meetings with their own damage and need to fix themselves sexualize people who are new to AA.  The Big Book says "we are not a glum lot" and that is true -- but we are not a "well" lot either.  We get better every one-day-at-a-time we stay sober, but for each of us that is a slow transformation, and if you catch me on the wrong day, I'm more mess than message.

From the 4th Step inventory process, AA suggests we shape a sex life that is not dishonest, and does not include selfishness and self-seeking.  That we try hard not to purposely arouse jealousy, bitterness or suspicion.  But AA does not suggest this from any moral high ground -- it does so because from bloody experience alcoholics have learned that when we act in that fashion in the powerful arenas of sex, intimacy and romance, we pay a psychic, spiritual, mental and emotional price -- a price so high that it sends many of us back to drinking and using.

So people who sexualize newcomers and take them up on their potentially (in my opinion) damaged need to be valued for their body, are not doing anything wrong in the strict, biblical, moral sense (as I understand what AA is trying to help me with) but rather are damaging themselves and others because they are acting in a profoundly selfish manner -- they are placing their gratification, be it sexual or ego-based, above the comfort and safety of a new person in AA.

For me it is important to untangle the idea of morality from sobriety on the topic of sex.  It keeps me clear and helps me avoid "hysterical thinking" of my own.

So with all of that as framework, my direct answer to your question "what should I do" is the following:

Try not to get in the middle of anything.  God has a hand in all this too.  I have learned more from my mistakes than I have from the best intentions of people who tried to help me when I didn't want their help at the time.  You framed your question with the word "wants" in it.  Maybe what the newcomer girl wants is validation, and if she doesn't get it she won't stay.  I do not think that anyone should act on her invitation, but what I'm saying is that I don't know her deeper motives and needs -- sadly, since she's new to AA, neither does she.  But since those things are not clear, I first caution you not to get in the middle of anything.

But I do not think that a totally passive stance is the right thing either.  I would suggest speaking to a few of the women you know and respect in the meetings one-on-one, and share your concerns with them.  Perhaps it will spark one of them to take this young woman under her wing, which, in matters such as this, can only be a good thing.

Then, I think you should talk to your sponsor about your concerns, with the idea that you can use this as a jumping off place for a deeper look, using the 12 Step tools, at your own issues in this arena.  Let me be clear:  I admire your concern, and would likely share it if I were there.  BUT I believe I should always look at my part in things -- both to build my self esteem and remain vigilant against my character defects gaining traction.  For example, clearly you take the safety of newcomers in meetings seriously.  You have a highly developed regard for AA as a whole.  etc., etc.

The other side of the coin which I look at in myself (and I'm not saying these things are operating in you, this is only an example from some of my own, similar examinations) -- am I jealous that someone is able to express their needs so freely?  Does it make me angry that I am trying to be "good" and I know other people aren't working on the same value system I am?  Where in this am I playing God, that is, deciding how everyone should behave?  What are my own opinions about sex and sexuality, and how are they fueling fears and resentments both in and out of the rooms of AA?  Is there anything in my background I haven't fully dealt with that might give me an increased sensitivity to some of these things?

Again, those are questions I've asked myself, I am not saying they apply to you -- I offer them only as an example of how I check myself in my own inventory work by being a little more specific than some of the Big Book is on the topic.  There are also a ton of questions about sex and sex relations in the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (AA's 12 &12) as I'm sure you know.   They might be useful as well.

So to boil it down:

Don't get in the middle of anything.
Talk to some good sober gals.
Turn the lens on yourself as well, all the things that disturb me are chances for me to grow in my recovery.

Broadly speaking there's really nothing "wrong" with this woman, if she is of age, having consensual sex with anyone she likes -- even people in AA meetings.

But as a newcomer in AA, there's really not a lot "right" about it either.

Here's the thing:
In AA, you don't have to take off your pants to get the hug.

But different newcomers learn that truth via different routes.

Ethical Fellow, you're a good AA for being moved to write this question, and I hope some of this answer has been helpful to you.

All the best,
Mr. SponsorPants

Comments

[Dave]

THAT is one hell of an answer.

[Cat]

excellent post.

[mfore4]

Interesting, well said, and I'm glad that you left out the stuff about shopping amongst damaged goods etc.

[Always Carol]

I agree that sex is all about power. And sometimes it is about escaping, too. Another moment of brain-stopping bliss like drugs. Except there is a point when the moment isn't as good as remembered and the aftermath feels like more baggage that I carry.

[Steve E]

Good post. Good response to "Ethical guy", and anyone else who is interested in this question...

[Syd]

Thanks for laying this out (pun intended). I have wondered about the 13th stepping of newcomers in AA. Bill W. seemed to have a fascination with women in the program. I think that you hit on a lot of possible reasons. Power seems to be a big one. But I can see that ego is driving it all.