Earlier today, I got a phone call from a sponsee who's having a bit of a tough time right now. About a month ago they went through what the Human Resources Department of a company might term "experiencing a major life transition," but what the rest of us call "being laid off." As with so many people of late, it had nothing to do with their job performance and everything to do with the fact that the whole world is, in fact, "experiencing a major life transition."
This sponsee is not big on calling, so when I answered the phone and it was them, I didn't have to use any of my magic sponsor powers to deduce they were having a rough day.
I listened. I asked some questions based on what I thought I heard, and I listened some more. Then I asked if I could reflect back what I thought they said.
Then we talked about what among their fears were real, and what were imagined. What were the things that something could be done about, and what were not -- or not right now, anyway. (Basically this is just using the spirit of how the Serenity Prayer frames things to sort through what someone is upset about. It always helps me, and it always helps me help others. I, of course, need other people to do it with me when I'm a mess, since if we could all always do it on our own we really wouldn't need those damn meetings anymore, now would we. Or, as I've heard it said on a number of occasions, AA works because we're not all sick on the same day.)
Once you determine which upsetting things are the ones you can't do anything about, then the course of action is pretty clear. (Acceptance and Faith, basically, however you personally might pass between those two goal posts.)
I spent some time pointing out all the things they're doing right -- which are numerous -- but is the kind of thing that an alcoholic on the ropes needs to hear another person say. More than 20 years sober and a couple hundred sponsees down the line I've yet to meet an alcoholic in recovery who, when consumed by fear, isn't busy throwing themselves under the bus, too. The trick, though, is to say true things to them when it comes to what they're doing right. (The trick is always to say true things, actually. It even works when you don't know what to say.) And by that I mean, I don't blow smoke; a lackluster, "Hey there, remember, you're super!" is just bullshit. Feels like it when you say it and sounds like it when you hear it. By meeting with sponsees regularly, and listening carefully, when it comes time to point out what people are doing right you can be specific, and thus, be saying true things. (And if you have a sponsee that you cannot find anything good to point out, it most likely says nothing about your sponsee and volumes about you, my friend. Sorry, but there it is. Methinks if that's the case then maybe someone hasn't worked through their critical parent issues? Hmmm? Just a thought.)
The upshot of the conversation with my sponsee was that, if you examine the facts of their life today, nothing is actually wrong. And most likely nothing will be wrong tomorrow, either. Things are not the way they want them to be, but that is not the same as anything being "wrong."
I floated the idea to them that the case was, in fact, as the case so often is for people like us, that what was really wrong was that they were suffering from untreated alcoholism. ("... trouble with personal relationships ... couldn't control our emotional natures ... prey to misery and depression ... feeling of uselessness ... full of fear ... " these 'bedevilments' are sketched out on pg. 52 of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" -- AA's Big Book -- and are an excellent description of untreated alcoholism.) I suggested, not as a punishment, but as a way to find balance again, that although they have a good amount of time sober it would probably be a smart idea for them to go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.
Personally, although I kept my tone calm, I thought it would be a freaking great idea for them to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I thought that if they didn't, they were going to start to feel a helluva lot worse about everything in the near future, and that worried me.
I admit I chuckled a little, and suggested that this was probably not what they'd called to hear. But, to their credit, they were very open to what I said, and I suspect they'll do it. For their sake, I truly hope so, as I believe in my bones it would be probably the smartest move they could make, ahead of a lot of things that on the surface might appear to be more pressing.
Since they were a bit off their game, they spent some time as we had talked apologizing for "bothering me" with their call. Intellectually they know it's no bother, but good manners and being full of fear can create a perfect storm inside of some alcoholics that makes asking for help somehow equal to bothering people.
What I said to them I will say here as well, as I think it needs repeating on a regular basis.
When someone in AA says "Please call if you need help, or for any reason at all..." it can seem like they're just being polite, just saying the "nice thing" that they're "supposed to" say.
No.
If they're really in AA, really doing the deal, then what "Please call" actually means is "Please, please, help me be free of being trapped in my head, thinking only about myself." When you call another person in Alcoholics Anonymous and ask for help, you are potentially freeing them from the torture of circular, selfish, self-critical thinking.
As I explained to my sponsee, the gravitational pull of Planet SponsorPants is enormous, and it takes a lot of help for me to even remotely achieve escape velocity.
I was happy to listen to my sponsee when they called, and I think what I offered was useful to them. But make no mistake. This is not a posting about me helping another alcoholic.
This is a posting about another alcoholic helping me.
I love your postings, MSP.
Your message,delivered through cerebral humor is always powerful. Keep em coming!
Posted by: christina | February 18, 2009 at 04:48 AM