Mr. SponsorPants

The dying of the light

Was it Shakespeare who said the eyes are the windows to the soul? 

I have seen, in people who have come to Alcoholics Anonymous and found a solution there, a light kindle in the eyes.

This is, of course, a fanciful way of describing it, but I hasten to assure you that it is a true phenomenon.  I have witnessed this thing.  It is as much something you feel as it is something you see, but it is no less real for all of that.

Is it merely that people who had no solution suddenly have hope?  Is it a connection to something great and spiritual?  Or is it as mundane and medical as a chemical fog clearing from the brain? 

It hardly matters.  There is a profound joy in talking with someone who was gray and blank and soul-dead only a week ago, and suddenly realizing that a deep and inexplicable and wonderful change has happened -- and you can see it.  You can see it shining inside them; a light in the eyes.

I think the saddest, scariest thing on earth is watching some of those same people start to sabotage their sobriety -- like someone taking a sledgehammer to the walls of their own home -- and in those same eyes that seemed so changed you watch the light flicker and start to go out.

That's when I realize just how spiritual the solution truly must be, since it washes over me in a terrible wave that there is almost nothing, nothing at all, I can do to prevent it.

A strong program of recovery: A checklist of sorts

I talk often about being "involved in AA" or having a "strong Program."  Someone in an email recently asked me to be more specific.

Okay.

Specifically:

1. Regular meeting attendance at the same meetings. (So people can get to know you and you can get to know people.)  For many years in my sobriety I went to a meeting almost every day.  Now I have a set schedule of four a week and often wind up at an extra for one reason or another.

2. Service commitments at meetings.  At least one service commitment at a 12 Step meeting during the week.  And treat that commitment like a job -- the best damn job you ever had. 

3. Sponsorship -- a 2-way proposition.  Have a sponsor and have sponsees.  Be going through the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book) with sponsees to work the 12 Steps with them as laid out there, and pretty much following your own sponsor's lead on your step work, which again is largely rooted in either the Big Book and/or the 12&12.

4. Prayer, Self Examination and Meditation.  The AA literature calls those three things, when done in concert, "an unshakable foundation for life."  Some regular, daily routine encompassing all three of those is essential.

5. Outreach.  Talk to people that are new at AA meetings.  Introduce yourself.  Introduce them to others.  Make an effort to help them feel comfortable and make them welcome.  Follow up by calling them just to say hello, with no other agenda than to be helpful.  Try to be consistent and make a point of welcoming them back the next week.

6. Sharing.  Open your mouth and participate in the meeting.  Regularly smash through the "what will they think of me?" ego/vanity fear.  (Unless you are one of those share-at-every-single-meeting types.  If that's the case then you've done your part, and I can say in all honesty that you've likely been a great spiritual teacher to some of the people in the room.  If you share at every meeting you go to, perhaps now it is time for you to listen more, for a little while.)

7. Fellowship.  The "meeting before the meeting" and the "meeting after the meeting" are where the strongest friendships may develop and people get a sense of what AAer's are really like.  It is "a program of attraction, rather than promotion" so this is actually very important 12th Step work.  Show up early and help welcome people and visit before, and/or invite people out for coffee or a meal after the meeting. 

 

I can honestly say that over the years I've done all of this most of the time or most of this all of the time.  It is both a vanity and a pillar in the foundation of my self esteem that when it comes to Alcoholics Anonymous I walk my talk. 

Of course, that's no more laudable than congratulating a man who's been badly sunburned for not going back out in the sun.

It is not an act of heroism to have a "strong program" -- it is an act of self preservation.

 

Stick with the winners

By definition, if there are winners, then there must be losers, right?

And therein has always been my problem with this slogan.

For the new kids, AA has any number of mottoes -- among the most famous of course are Easy Does It and One Day at a Time.  Whether you think they're cornball or cogent (come on, that was pretty good) the great thing about the slogans is they stick in your head -- they boil an important idea down to its essence -- and I can tell you from personal experience that when an alcoholic is in meltdown a slogan can get through the fog better than a more complex thought.

Another of these AA slogans, a bit less well known, is "Stick with the winners."  The spirit of this credo is obviously smart.  If you want to be successful at something, identify the people who are achieving the result you want and do what they did.  Hardly a revolutionary idea.

So "stick with the winners" means, in this sense, to find the people who seem happy and successful in staying sober and model your AA Program after theirs.  

Without placing a big winner/loser value judgment on anyone, if you have a friend (for example) who regularly suggests ditching the meeting to go see the latest Pixar release ... well, they may be a terrific person and a blast to hang out with, but this is not what I would call a 'winning' way to approach staying sober.  I could be wrong though.  Next time you want to drink give Pixar a call and see if that helps.

But there is a stealth assumption that slithers along underneath this "winners" slogan.  If the people who are involved in AA and thus staying sober are in fact winners ... then ... the people who have a hard time with AA and a difficult time with relapse are ...

not winners.

And the word in Western Culture for "not winners" is "losers."

But there are no losers in AA.

AA does not have any losers.

No one is an AA loser.

Pop Quiz:

How many losers are there in AA?  (Correct answer: Zero).

The slogan "stick with the winners" is great -- good advice all the way around.  It's the inferred corollary which is false.

Finally, consider this:

If someone had a hard time, due to a fear of needles, self-administering their insulin to treat diabetes, would you call them a loser?  If a person felt so lousy after chemo they found it difficult to be compliant with their after-care protocol, would you call them a loser?  Obviously not.  Those are medical issues with understandable complications which make it hard to follow through on treatment.

And the same is true of alcoholism and recovery.  Our fear and our lousy feelings get in the way of our medicine too, sometimes.

So yes, AA has winners.

But never any losers.  The stakes are far, far too high for that.

 

 

A Question from the Email Inbox

Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm having a little bit of a sponsor dilemma. I don't think my sponsor wants to sponsor me.

I meet my sponsor at a regular meeting once a week. It's not my favorite meeting, but I enjoy the speakers. I haven't really found any common ground with anyone there. I go there, and speak to no one. I keep going back, even though it makes my insides turn and I cry a little on the way home. I do this because I want to stay sober.

I met her there yesterday, and asked her if she'll be going to fellowship afterward. We get to the cafe and she is barley speaking to me. She puts her bag down next to me. She then asked the waiter to set up another table, and then moves there saying that she is waiting on someone else. There are more than enough chairs at the table I am sitting at, and I'm not exactly sure what that was all about. I call her afterwards and she says this guy she was waiting for is some friend-of-a-friend and she didn't want him to feel left out.

I don't treat anyone that way. I never have and can't imagine doing that to anyone, especially not a sponsee.

Your thoughts please.

Anonymous Sober Girl

     

Dear ASG,

 

 Okay, from what you wrote, there are maybe two things to consider.  There's your experience at the meeting and your relationship with your sponsor.  The one sort of "informs" -- or let's say influences -- the other, but they're actually two separate things.

 

You probably already know how to change your experience of a meeting -- and you may have tried some of those things already -- and you're not asking about that anyway, you're asking about your sponsor.

 

(And for the new kids, I’ll get into how you can change your experience of a meeting some other time.)

 

The first key in a sponsor equation is willingness.  Generally speaking, when a sponsor/sponsee sobriety relationship isn't working, it's because the sponsee is not willing to follow a sponsor's suggestions.  This probably isn’t what's happening in your situation, based on how you describe your efforts to keep meeting your sponsor at a meeting that is not that easy for you to attend.  So let’s, for the sake of argument, stipulate that you are as willing as many and more willing than most.

 

The second component is, I would say, sponsor experience – and I don’t mean solely their experience as a sponsor, but also their experience working the 12 Steps and having an active involvement with AA in general. The former is not nearly as important as the latter.  We all learn how to sponsor by sponsoring, and it's the process that keeps both sides sober, not any level of being "good at it" or not.  I'm going to assume that your sponsor has gone through all 12 Steps and has a fairly active involvement in meetings and such.  And since you didn’t mention any level of “newness” for your sponsor I’m going to further assume that you are not their first sponsee.

 

Okay, so we’ve got you, willing, and them having been through the 12 Steps and having some experience under their belt sponsoring people.

 

So what's the problem then?

 

The problem is that your sponsor is a cold bitch to you.

 

My alcoholism can warp my perceptions, and I use the tools of recovery to check myself and see when my take on something is twisted by fear, ego and alcoholic thinking.  But that does not equal pretending something that is happening is not happening.  It's not my alcoholism at work when I look out the window and say, "Hey, it's raining."  Or watch a news clip of someone beating somebody else up and say, "Wow, that's awful, that guy's getting a terrible smackdown." You're hurt and upset and confused by what happened -- which, by the way, are normal, healthy reactions -- but your description of the facts isn't laced with a lot of interpretation.  (Maybe a little, but not so much that I feel like you’re not generally describing what actually happened).  And from those facts it appears to me that your sponsor is a cold bitch towards you.

 

Now, looking at this through a 12 Step lens, here's what we can deduce (since that lens allows you and I to look inside ourselves and from that insight then peer into the heart -- just a little bit -- of other alcoholics.)   Your sponsor is behaving like a cold bitch, but your sponsor is not, in fact, a cold bitch.  Your sponsor is afraid.  And as is often the case for myself, sometimes I'm afraid and I don't even know it, since my fear might be disguised as irritation or fatigue or disinterest or a thousand different things. 

 

Afraid?  Of what?

 

Afraid that she won't get that man, and you're cramping her style?  Afraid of a perceived responsibility in sponsoring someone?  Afraid she will "look bad" to some parental/authority figure?  Afraid that service will overwhelm her, and she'll vanish into the neediness she sees around her in AA meetings?  Afraid of how something in the dynamic of being a sponsor, or something in the dynamic that is unique to the combination of the two of you, will hurt her?  Destroy her?  Afraid that if you get too close you'll see she's a fraud? (Which is not the same thing as her actually being a fraud.) Afraid that you're smarter than she is, or more willing, or more insightful and will see the secret she's keeping?  (And that fear can be present even when we don't even have a secret.)

 

Afraid that ... sure, yeah, whatever.  Pick any two and leave some wiggle room for a third.

 

So I can look at this woman, and see that it is fear which is most likely causing her to behave like a cold bitch -- a fear she may not truly even be aware of in the front of her mind.  Understanding that fact can free me from resenting her, but that does not equal liking her behavior, or agreeing with it -- or (and here's the thing for you) kiddo: Continuing to show up for it.

 

She's vomiting her spiritual fear on you in the form of coldness and distance.  So, using “the tools of recovery laid at our feet" (what, they couldn't put them on a table?  I have to bend over to pick them up?  Is there no furniture in our metaphorical spiritual house?) I can understand that she's “spiritually sick” -- but after I clean myself off I can choose to get out of the line of fire. Eventually, if I don't get out of the way, then it's on me, not her, and my part becomes that I keep showing up for it.  My dead sponsor, (who's wise counsel I miss every single day) would wonder eventually in those situations what I might be getting out of it --  what dark belief about myself is being fed if I keep volunteering for such things?  (I have seen some complications in the sponsor/sponsee arena when the sponsee is the Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  If you are then I'm afraid that an inappropriate level of loyalty to people who do not deserve it is not uncommon among ACA's.  You may want to consider if that is a pattern for you, and if it is, how it might have some bearing on this situation.)

 

Or, to put it another way, where's the line between "willing to go to any lengths" and "allowing myself to be abused"?  Beats me.  I can only see those lines when they're behind me; after I've crossed them.  I'm still not so good at seeing them from the front, as I'm heading towards them.  I'm a lot better at it though.

 

I am not suggesting this is true for you, but some people need a form of abuse from their sponsor because that seems to be the only way they can take the message of recovery in.  I once sponsored a guy -- years ago -- in which the combination of he and I in a sponsor dynamic just absolutely did not work.  He came from a highly abusive background (like, blood-on-the-walls kind of abuse), and for him to listen to someone and take direction he needed to feel demeaned and bullied.  (That tangle of associations and ideas and emotions didn't come to light for some time, of course.  In the midst of the situation I was baffled as to why as I tried to be more helpful he would then become either less trustful or more hostile.)  Since I'm not the kind of sponsor that tears up 4th Steps and hangs up on people (and some days I really, really wish I were) I wasn't able to help him.  Eventually he moved to a different city, fell in with some sober chest thumpers (the kind who shout slogans in people’s faces and tell newcomers to sit down, shut up and listen), and got the recovery he needed to then gain insight into his other issues.  There are no bad guys in that story.

 

And there are no bad guys in yours.

 

But I wonder if this woman is an effective sponsor for you now.  You deserve a sponsor that not only calls you to action (which, since you're willing, requires no magic) AND a sponsor that doesn't make you feel like a piece of shit.

 

So, MAYBE it's time for you to get a different sponsor.  Only you can decide that.

 

IF you decide to do so, you are not required to give any big explanation.  "Thank you so much for sponsoring me, I appreciate the time that you gave me and the benefit of your experience -- I'm going to work with someone else now."  Is all you need to say.  It is one hundred percent true and one hundred percent bullet proof.  Even if you don't have a "someone else" all lined up -- you're going to.  And if this triggers some further spiritual sickness from your sponsor, you just "broken record" that statement and gracefully exit whatever situation you're in with them.

 

I'm not saying that I think you should change sponsors -- but I am saying I think you should give it some real consideration.

 

I hope that helps!

 

Mr. SponsorPants

Content with patient improvement

I heard a speaker last week, whom I've head a number of times over the years.  He's a nice fellow.  Always a friendly hello and a good word for me.

The problem is, in my humble opinion I find him to be, on the topics of newcomers and sponsorship and time sober, incredibly hierarchical and actually ... well ... arrogant.  And those subjects are main themes for him when he speaks, so while I was happy to see him, I took a deep breath mentally to steel myself for his share.

Now, before you rush to judge me for judging, let me say that I freely concede that it may indeed be judgmental to call someone "arrogant."  But I also think that to recognize a character defect in others -- and myself -- is not necessarily being judgmental.  To name arrogance, fear or self involvement when I encounter them is as much a diagnosis as a judgment.  I think the trick is to always remember that I might be wrong, or keep in mind the context of a reaction or situation.   Much more on that and I fear this post will take a left turn into a whole other topic, so allow me to concede your assessment of my judgment, and let's move on.

(But really, besides all that, he really is arrogant.)

The meeting began, and as he spoke, I became quite buoyed up listening to him share. 

"Wow, he is a lot less arrogant than he used to be!" I thought.

It is indeed, "progress, not perfection" for us all.  And with that, let me say, when considering both others' defects of character and my own, on the way to "much better" I'm probably going to have to spend a good deal of time in "still bad, but not nearly as bad."

I must be content with, as the AA literature puts it, "patient improvement."

Is there anything which sounds less appealing than that some days?  No, I think not.

 

What sharing in a 12 Step Meeting is not. Part 2

Sharing is really not about your opinion.

Sharing is not about what you think so much as it is about what you have done (your experience), what troubles you in a particular situation, how you feel, and how you might address your alcoholism and those problems/feelings via the tools of Alcoholics Anonymous (your strength), and perhaps how you see progress in yourself and in your recovery overall (your hope).

Sharing is not a formula -- and all my "nots" are things I found myself doing over the years, and discovered they served either my ego, my fear or my vanity far more than they served my recovery.  Worry less about what you say or what others think and work more on sharing regularly if you can.  It helps you and it helps others, even if you can't see it at the time.

What sharing in a 12 Step meeting is not.

Sharing is not a popularity contest, although it can look that way sometimes, and whatever insecurities and fears you may have about what people think of you, or how you compare to others, will come screaming up out of your gut to assault you when you start sharing.  And even more so right after you share.  Just know that it pretty much happens to everyone.  It will fade in intensity over time (and if you keep sharing.)

Sharing is not a chance to show either how smart you are or how much you know about the 12 Steps -- though after you've been around any of the 12 Step Programs for a while it's very hard not to want to do both sometimes.  Even (almost) unconsciously.

Sharing is not an invitation for other people to offer you unsolicited advice at group level.  Nor is it really an open invitation to get uninvited feedback one-on-one -- though at the same time, we're not sharing in a vacuum, and if someone has something helpful to offer, even if I don't like the way they're presenting it, I would do well to listen.

Sharing is not a prepared speech.  While it's perfectly normal to perhaps collect your thoughts a little, if you find yourself "planning" your share, two things will happen:  One, you will get a lot less out of the meeting, since you're not sitting there listening, you're actually sitting there thinking about yourself, and Two, very little of what you plan to say will come out of your mouth, and what does won't sound nearly as clever/funny/smart/tough/sexy/enlightened as it did in your head.

Sharing is not an opportunity to give a testimonial about anyone in the room, no matter how special and wonderful they are.  If the first several minutes of your share is about how terrific someone else is, then you are not sharing your experience (or strength, or hope) with a group.  Share about yourself.  Share for yourself -- that's how others are helped, because they will identify with your truth.  When you're sharing how special someone else is, what you're really doing is giving a toast without a glass of champagne in your hand.  The next time you're in a meeting when that's happening watch the faces of the other people in the room.  You'll probably see them go from connecting to just listening (two very different things), to outright checking out.  Sharing the warm fuzzies about the speaker or the birthday person or your sponsee is a lovely and encouraging thing.  Do it over coffee, not when you share.

Sharing is not about "dumping" -- after you have only a little time clean and sober you have a handle on some part of the solution.  Yes, absolutely, bring the group your troubles, share your fears and problems. By doing so -- at the risk of sounding very New Agey -- you will take a lot of the power out of how they feel in your head.  But make a real effort to share a solution as well.

Sharing is not group therapy.  Nor is it like any form of "group" that is done in Recovery Houses and Rehabs. 

Sharing is not always easy.  Especially at first.

Today's chat with HP (and I don't mean Hewlett Packard)

Me:  God?

GOD:  Yes, Mr. SponsorPants?

Me:  I wanted to run something by you.  Bit of a question, bit of a suggestion.

GOD:  'kay.  Shoot.

Me:  You may have noticed that I seem to be having my own hypocrisy in that one sensitive area I've been talking to You about pretty much just thrown in my face lately.

GOD:  I notice everything.  You know that whole "eye on the sparrow" thing in the Bible?  Maybe that's what it means -- and you should take comfort from it.

Me:  Maybe?  What's with the maybe?  You're God -- either You are or You aren't, and if You are, then I would think -- I would hope -- You're pretty sure of things.  Especially Bible-y things.

GOD:  Either I am or I am not.  I do not need to decide that, you do.  Though in this case either I'm a somewhat trite and perhaps pretentious literary convention that you're using ... or I'm really God, using the literary convention to try and answer you.  The problem is not with My sending, usually.  The problem tends to be with your receiving.

Me:  You finished?  My thinking can be circular enough without that God-speaking-through-a-construct-that-appears-to-be-nothing-more-than-convention-but-may-conceal-Truth hall of mirrors thing.

GOD:  You're driving.  I'm just trying to get through. 

Me:  Ok, ok, okay.  Anyway, this whole having my own hypocrisy thrown in my face thing ...

GOD:  Don't call yourself a hypocrite.  You aren't that.  Well, at least not in this case ... but that other thing you were praying about  ...

Me:  Okay! Ok.  Fine.  Then what is going on?

GOD:  Think of it as ... having your illusions ... no, wait, your self-imposed illusions, shown for the falsehoods they are.  Think of it as finally seeing a few things more clearly.  Think of it as letting go of some really, really, really old ideas.

Me:  Right.  But ... You know, does it have to be so ... so ... in my face?  Couldn't you work through some of my insights?  Some of my assets?  Some of my strengths, to show me this?

GOD:  Work through your assets, rather than your defects?  First off, perhaps I do, more than you realize (sending? receiving? hello?) -- but also, work through your strengths and assets and insights, Mr. SponsorPants? Now where's the fun in that?

Please call.

Earlier today, I got a phone call from a sponsee who's having a bit of a tough time right now.  About a month ago they went through what the Human Resources Department of a company might term "experiencing a major life transition," but what the rest of us call "being laid off."  As with so many people of late, it had nothing to do with their job performance and everything to do with the fact that the whole world is, in fact, "experiencing a major life transition."

This sponsee is not big on calling, so when I answered the phone and it was them, I didn't have to use any of my magic sponsor powers to deduce they were having a rough day.

I listened.  I asked some questions based on what I thought I heard, and I listened some more.  Then I asked if I could reflect back what I thought they said. 

Then we talked about what among their fears were real, and what were imagined.  What were the things that something could be done about, and what were not -- or not right now, anyway.  (Basically this is just using the spirit of how the Serenity Prayer frames things to sort through what someone is upset about.  It always helps me, and it always helps me help others.  I, of course, need other people to do it with me when I'm a mess, since if we could all always do it on our own we really wouldn't need those damn meetings anymore, now would we.  Or, as I've heard it said on a number of occasions, AA works because we're not all sick on the same day.)

Once you determine which upsetting things are the ones you can't do anything about, then the course of action is pretty clear.  (Acceptance and Faith, basically, however you personally might pass between those two goal posts.)

I spent some time pointing out all the things they're doing right -- which are numerous -- but is the kind of thing that an alcoholic on the ropes needs to hear another person say.  More than 20 years sober and a couple hundred sponsees down the line I've yet to meet an alcoholic in recovery who, when consumed by fear, isn't busy throwing themselves under the bus, too.  The trick, though, is to say true things to them when it comes to what they're doing right.  (The trick is always to say true things, actually. It even works when you don't know what to say.)  And by that I mean, I don't blow smoke; a lackluster, "Hey there, remember, you're super!" is just bullshit.  Feels like it when you say it and sounds like it when you hear it.  By meeting with sponsees regularly, and listening carefully, when it comes time to point out what people are doing right you can be specific, and thus, be saying true things.   (And if you have a sponsee that you cannot find anything good to point out, it most likely says nothing about your sponsee and volumes about you, my friend.  Sorry, but there it is.  Methinks if that's the case then maybe someone hasn't worked through their critical parent issues? Hmmm? Just a thought.)

The upshot of the conversation with my sponsee was that, if you examine the facts of their life today, nothing is actually wrong.  And most likely nothing will be wrong tomorrow, either.  Things are not the way they want them to be, but that is not the same as anything being "wrong."

I floated the idea to them that the case was, in fact, as the case so often is for people like us, that what was really wrong was that they were suffering from untreated alcoholism.  ("... trouble with personal relationships ... couldn't control our emotional natures ... prey to misery and depression ... feeling of uselessness ... full of fear ... " these 'bedevilments' are sketched out on pg. 52 of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" -- AA's Big Book -- and are an excellent description of untreated alcoholism.)  I suggested, not as a punishment, but as a way to find balance again, that although they have a good amount of time sober it would probably be a smart idea for them to go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.

Personally, although I kept my tone calm, I thought it would be a freaking great idea for them to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.  I thought that if they didn't, they were going to start to feel a helluva lot worse about everything in the near future, and that worried me.

I admit I chuckled a little, and suggested that this was probably not what they'd called to hear.  But, to their credit, they were very open to what I said, and I suspect they'll do it.  For their sake, I truly hope so, as I believe in my bones it would be probably the smartest move they could make, ahead of a lot of things that on the surface might appear to be more pressing.

Since they were a bit off their game, they spent some time as we had talked apologizing for "bothering me" with their call.  Intellectually they know it's no bother, but good manners and being full of fear can create a perfect storm inside of some alcoholics that makes asking for help somehow equal to bothering people. 

What I said to them I will say here as well, as I think it needs repeating on a regular basis. 

When someone in AA says "Please call if you need help, or for any reason at all..." it can seem like they're just being polite, just saying the "nice thing" that they're "supposed to" say.

No.

If they're really in AA, really doing the deal, then what "Please call" actually means is "Please, please, help me be free of being trapped in my head, thinking only about myself."  When you call another person in Alcoholics Anonymous and ask for help, you are potentially freeing them from the torture of circular, selfish, self-critical thinking.

As I explained to my sponsee, the gravitational pull of Planet SponsorPants is enormous, and it takes a lot of help for me to even remotely achieve escape velocity.

I was happy to listen to my sponsee when they called, and I think what I offered was useful to them.  But make no mistake.  This is not a posting about me helping another alcoholic.

This is a posting about another alcoholic helping me.

 

 

I'd like to speak with someone in charge.

Ring

Ring

Ring

Man:  Thank you for calling the American Medical Association.  How may I direct your call?

Woman (brusque):  I'd like to speak with someone in charge.

Man: In charge?  [pause]  Certainly m'am.  If you could just tell me perhaps what department or field or ...

Woman:  In charge of doctors.  This is the American Medical Association, isn't it?

Man: Well, yes m'am, but we're not exactly...

Woman:  You are the governing body for physicians in America, are you not?

Man: Yes, but ...

Woman: Well, I have a complaint to file about a doctor, and I would like to speak with someone in charge.  Immediately.

Man: Perhaps the State Board might ... I can give you their ...

Woman:  No. Now you listen to me.  I went to this Doctor -- highly recommended, I might add.  After waiting for God knows how long to see her -- probably a full fifteen or twenty minutes! -- I finally got to speak with her.  And she had the nerve ... I mean, I explained why I was there and do you know what she did?

[silence]

Woman:  Hello?

Man:  Yes, m'am.  I'm just ...

Woman:  Do. You. Know. What. She. Did?

Man:  [pause]  No ... er, I mean, no, what happened?

Woman:  She tried to tell me what to do!

Man:  I'm sorry, but ... what?

Woman:  The nerve. The absolute nerve.  High handed! That's what it is.  "Do this and don't do that.  Take this once a day." Have you ever?  Telling me what to do.  I mean really.

Man:  M'am she, I mean, the doctor was ... offering you ... treatment?  Do you understand?  I mean, she was giving you information about your ... whatever ... but she was offering you treatment. She was telling you what medicine you needed and how to take it.  She was offering direction on how to treat your illness -- I'm not sure that's 'telling you what to do,' exactly.

Woman:  She was telling me what to do!  And I find it highly offensive!  And not only will I never go back to that doctor, I would like to file a complaint.  A formal complaint!  With someone in charge.

Man:  But you ... you went to her with a problem.  You needed help, that's why you went to her? Yes? And she was only trying to treat ... to give you ... I'm not sure I can explain ...

Woman:  Oh, this is ridiculous.  Transfer me to your supervisor.

Man (relieved):  Certainly m'am.