Mr. SponsorPants

Shooters - Quick shots from Meetings

"Now that I'm sober, it's like I feel everything.  Not just 'good' feelings.  I used to try to only feel good, but that doesn't work.  If you try to stuff the bad, you wind up losing the good; if you stay sober and sort of 'wake up', then you get all of it, the good and the bad."

Shooters - Quick shots from Meetings

"Feelings aren't facts."

Yes, it's time again for Friday Night Fights! Dry vs. Sober! (My money's on Dry, cause he fights dirty)

"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people..."  -- 'We Agnostics', "Alcoholics Anonymous" (The Big Book) pg. 52

Oh, man, now that's a pretty picture.

Taken out of context this could be a description for what's happening on any given season of "The Real World," but it is in fact a frighteningly accurate picture of untreated alcoholism.  (The passage above goes on to suggest the importance of finding a basic solution to these "bedevilments," prompting some folks to actually call this "The Bedevilments!"  So if you hear someone in a meeting say that, they're not going all Charlton Heston in "The Ten Commandments" on you, it's shorthand for that paragraph.)

As I've shared with you kids before, Mr. SponsorPants's preferred treatment for my alcoholism is, in fact, alcohol.  Unfortunately, that's no longer an option, what with the blacking out, the arrest(s), the pathetic whining, the disgusting behavior -- and that's just what happens before lunch.

So since I can't treat my alcoholism with alcohol <sob!> I had to find another way to treat it.  And that other way was AA.

I treat the physical aspect of my alcoholism (the overwhelming cravings for more more more that occur when I take a drink -- see 'The Doctor's Opinion' in "The Big Book" for the basics on that) by not picking up the first drink, and I treat the mental and spiritual aspects (the mental part meaning that despite all the things that have happened to me when I drink, it still seems like a good idea sometimes; and the spiritual aspect of course being the warped ego, the profound self involvement, the crippled self esteem and the twisted self obsession that usually characterizes any addict -- 'More About Alcoholism' in "The Big Book" is a good place to start to read about that) through the 12 Steps and the overall principles of AA as a whole.

So... what do you get when you have an alcoholic who is without alcohol and without AA?  Ah ... that, kids, is an excellent question, and brings us to today's Cage Match:

Dry vs. Sober!

Now, regular blog readers will know that Mr. SponsorPants is a really big fan of "The Big Book."  (How big a fan?  If it were a celebrity I would stalk it!)  So this next bit is not a criticism, it is an observation -- with maybe a little teeny historical context around the edges.

In my opinion, The Big Book uses the words "dry" and "sober" pretty much interchangeably.  I think this was because A) they were trying to write in a manner that was both interesting and readable, and B) the idea that there might be a real and substantive difference between those two states had not really gelled yet.

13 years later, when "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" was written, there is a much deeper exploration of the idea that sobriety consists of something more than just freedom from alcohol and recreational chemical use.

Yes, being free from alcohol (and pretty much anything that effects you from the neck up, with the obvious exception to that being the appropriate use of doctor-prescribed medication) is the starting place for sobriety.

But to just be free of alcohol, if you have an alcoholic mind is ... well, I think I can use the word "torture" here and not be too far off base.

Crappy relationships? Check!

Misery's plaything? Check!

Depression's bitch? Check!

Feeling useless? Afraid? Unhappy? Check, check, check!

And to escape that torture, an alcoholic usually ... anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Drinks! Yes.

In my humble experience, the alcoholic mind, without the tools of recovery and the support of people in AA, begins to turn on itself.  It's like watching Smeagle turn into Gollum. (Man, in the past several posts I've had a couple of "Star Wars" references, and now I'm all "Lord of the Rings".  So I guess it's safe to say that I'm an alcoholic and a nerd.  Terrific.)

Put another way, I can be under the influence of alcoholism even though I'm not under the influence of alcohol.

And if I am, in fact, under the influence of alcoholism but not under the influence of alcohol, that, kids, is, in my humble opinion, Dry.

Sober is the state that for me includes a core of peace and good feelings.  I've always pictured it in my mind like the ocean -- the surface may be storm-tossed, but regardless of that the depths remain tranquil.  When I'm spiritually fit, when I'm sober, more than just dry, that's an apt description for how I feel.

But sober isn't, for me, something that once I "get there" I can relax.

It is a state I must work to keep -- just like when someone gets physically fit they can't stop working out and paying attention to what they eat if they want to stay physically fit -- so too, once I get sober, I must do my spiritual exercises (AA, for the most part) to remain spiritually fit (sober).

I've got to stop coming up with exercise and nutrition analogies.

It's really a buzzkill for my snack time.

Do you think I need to see a specialist? My spiritual life is enlarged.

"All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life.  To his consternation he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession." -- 'More About Alcoholism', "Alcoholics Anonymous" (The Big Book) pg. 35.

Directly, as it states above, and indirectly in many places, the Big Book suggests that if you want to stay sober you must continue to enlarge your spiritual life -- in fact, that a failure to do so is one of the primary reasons that people drink again.

I had such a Western, almost capitalistic idea about what this meant for many years.  To enlarge something must mean that I have to find some new thing to add to it. I was always searching for new information, new writings, new teachers, new things to do and consume.  The next new thing must be a more valid answer, a bigger, better, more potent answer, than last week's insight, right?

(On one level of course, that's great. Certainly I was a seeker, and it isn't just AA that suggests, in a spiritual context, that seeking is the key ingredient in developing some kind of working faith.  Naturally, in my case it also justified a bunch of shopping -- for new books, mostly. Books which looked very impressive, sitting there on my bookshelf, pretty much unread.  For a long time I stayed mostly in the dark -- but man, that bookshelf was very enlightened.)

It wasn't until I got to go on a Spiritual Retreat at a Benedictine Monastery (wow -- that looks really impressive when I type that) that I got some insight into a different way of thinking about the whole 'enlarge your spiritual life' thing.

I watched the monks go through their routine for the weekend that I was there -- I even sat in on one of their services.  (Come on! When are you going to get another chance to see Benedictine Monks in their natural habitat?  Great incense, nice singing, cool robes.  I kept looking for the gift shop to buy a "genuine Benedictine Bathrobe!" to take home with me, but I guess that wasn't their thing. Pity.)  And as they went through their day, I realized that I was just there for the weekend, but some of these men had been doing this same prayer and meditation routine for years. 

That's when it hit me that to "enlarge your spiritual life" doesn't mean (necessarily) that you constantly do new things.  Perhaps it can mean that you are consistent in the practice of the same things.  It's not about 'enlarge' as in bigger, it's about 'enlarge' as in deeper. Richer. Fuller.

And how that applies to my 12 Step life is in the consistency of it. The discipline of still going to meetings. Having service commitments. Still answering the phone. Still writing the inventories. Still reading the Big Book. Still sponsoring people. Still praying and meditating.

Enlarging my spiritual life doesn't need to mean I go find something new.  (Though that's always a nice lift).  It can maybe better be experienced by continuing to do what has worked so well in keeping me sober all along.

Questions I wish I could have asked... Dr. Silkworth

From 'The Doctor's Opinion', in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (the Big Book pg. xxxi, 4th Edition.)

"... The patient had made his own diagnosis, and deciding his situation hopeless, had hidden in a deserted barn, determined to die.  He was rescued by a searching party, and ... brought to me ..."

Really? Attempted suicide by ... barn hiding? Was this common in the 1930's, Doc?

Stuff about Amends? Aw, man ... can't we talk about cosmic fluffy stuff some more?

Step 9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

When I hear people share that they have a problem with Step 9, or a problem with one of their amends, I think to myself, "No, I don't think so. I don't think you have a problem with Step 9. I think you have a problem with Step 8."

Step 8. "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

Because if you're having a "problem" making amends, that is, you're not willing to do it, then your problem is back in Step 8, not in Step 9.

Step 8 can really be broken in half, like 8A, 'made a list' and 8B 'became willing to make amends.'  It blew my mind when I realized that I don't have to be willing to make the amends to sit down and make the list!  My God!  (Granted, I drank a lot over the years, so my mind is not a thing of solid, healthy construction.  Just the revelation that Darth was Luke's father was enough to rock my world. Still, this insight into Step 8 was really big for me at the time.)  In fact, if you wait to be willing to make all the amends before you write the list you may never actually write the list.

So using the 4th Step (the searching and fearless moral inventory, just to keep things clear for you blog drive-by's) as the basis for the list (only the basis -- not everyone on my 4th Step is going to wind up on my amends list.  A lot of them will, but not all of them) I write down who I need to make amends to and then I work on becoming willing to make those amends, making sure that I'm not "trying to buy my peace of mind at the expense of others."  (Or, to put it another way, I'm not throwing someone else under the emotional bus just so I can get something off my chest, or dragging some third party into my amends process.)

Ah, but waitaminute ... if I'm using the list of people I resent as the basis of the list of people that I'm going to make amends to then that means that ...

wait for it ...

wait for it ...

Holy Crap! I'm going to have to go to someone I freaking hate and apologize to them?!?

There it is. The thorn in my side.

And my paw.

And my naughty place.

The thorn that is causing me a whole lot of pain and anxiety.  Because there is no way I am going to go to that rotten S.O.B. and apologize to him after what he did to me!

Be calm, young Skywalker.  You don't have to.

No, really, you don't.

All of AA's Steps are merely suggestions.  Frankly, they're suggestions like I suggest you wear a parachute when skydiving, but truly, they are only suggestions.  AA does not ask you to do anything you're not willing to do.  To be willing only a little bit is all it takes -- you don't have to be eagerly looking forward to it -- but if you're not willing, then that's the thing to work on first: Willingness. (And, by the way, I hope it doesn't appear that I'm throwing this in your face, but back in the 3rd Step you pretty much agreed to go to any lengths to stay sober.  Welcome to the Land of Any Lengths. Enjoy your stay!)  If you can get yourself to 51% willing, then you're a go. (Houston! We have liftoff!)

And, by the way, an amends is not exactly the same thing as an apology, although there is an apology of sorts as part of it, I grant you.  The actual outline of what to say and the criteria for amends we can chew on in another post (or you can read about it in the 12&12 and in the Big Book on pgs 76 to about 84, which is probably the best place to learn about amends in the first place), but the main thing I wanted to say is this:

When making amends to someone that you are still angry/resentful/afraid of, you may have some just cause for those feelings.  You wrote 'em down in the second column of your inventory, after all (look, this will go on forever if I try to get into the columns here -- pg. 65 in the Big Book if you're just dying to know more about the resentment inventory).

But the point of the amends is that you are staying on your side of the street, cleaning up whatever you may have done in the situation, even if you're not solely to blame for whatever went down.

So I think of it like this:

If I go out to lunch with someone that I hate is a great spiritual teacher for me because they're an asshole they're coming from a place of fear, and it  caused them to behave like the asshole they are drove their behavior towards me, I'm still going to pay my part of the bill for the meal.  Just because I don't like them doesn't mean I'm not responsible for paying for what I ordered.  I wouldn't dream of ordering a gigantic double cheeseburger a lean and healthful green salad and then saying, when the bill arrives, "You know what? Because you're a jerk, I'm not paying for the food I ordered." 

Making amends to someone that may have also wronged you is sort of like that.  I can't use their behavior, however heinous, as a reason for not owning my behavior.

(And along the way, in the inventory process, you might see that some things that you resent are in your head -- but that's a topic for another time as well.)

And when you do make those amends, well ... then you're free.

AA Slang - Cross Talk

Cross Talk

Definitions for this phrase, in my experience, can vary not just among different geographic regions but from meeting to meeting.  I have never found anything in the general literature that defines it, although I have heard of various Central Offices around the country trying to put something in print to help meetings determine what they want to say in their format on this issue.  Generally the only "instruction" about sharing in a meeting -- and it is really only a suggestion -- is that people share "in a general way" their "experience, strength and hope."  Some meetings, however, in an effort to help everyone who attends feel comfortable, have tried to put a definition of Cross Talk in what the leader or secretary may read at the start of the meeting, to draw some boundaries for the group as a whole.

Pretty much everyone agrees that interrupting someone's share while they're talking is cross talk.  It's very rare that this happens, though.

Generally, I think it's safe to say many people feel that when a person shares "at" someone, as in offering specific advice about something a person has said in their share, that also is a kind of cross talk.  For example, hypothetically speaking, after "Bob" has shared about his wife's infidelity, if one of the next people to share said, "You know, Bob, I think you should just tell your wife that she's a cheating whore and throw her out of the house!"  Most folks might agree that that's a form of cross talk, and that really isn't encouraged. (Though I should add that in AA the inmates are running the asylum.  It is a happy anarchy, and each meeting can decide to conduct themselves as they choose, provided they stay within the 12 Traditions.  But although I'm making a generalization here, I think most folks wouldn't keep going to a meeting where they received a lot of unsolicited advice at group level about the things they've shared.  However if, in your share, you want to say, "and if anyone has any ideas on that, please let me know," feel free and, well ... you asked for it.)

But in my humble opinion, it is not cross talk if the next person to share were to speak about their own experience in dealing with a spouse's infidelity.  We don't share in a vacuum.  I learn from other people's experience, and also benefit from offering my own. (Key word: Experience. Not opinion.)

Offering to talk to someone about something that's troubling them after a meeting, not at group level, would pretty much be considered a helpful thing, rather than any kind of cross talk.  I know from my own experience, though, that sometimes things I've shared have been so raw and difficult to say at group level that any feedback, no matter how sensitive, can be tough to take in.  For me, sharing at group level is a really powerful and helpful tool, but it's also a good idea, if you feel raw about something, to try to talk to a sponsor or trusted friend about it before you share it with the group.  Balancing that, when I share things that are troubling or painful, I'm not only "taking the power out of it" (at the risk of sounding a little New Agey) but I am potentially helping someone else in the room who might not be able to open their mouth and talk about that same issue.  So it is, I believe, an act of service to share at group level about a tough problem that you're dealing with, if you can.  And in the overwhelming majority of meetings that I've been to over the years, the more you do that, the better things seem to get, the more a part of the group you feel, and the easier it is to continue to share.

And if someone offers unsolicited advice, whether it's one-on-one or in a group share, and it bugs you, try to remember that 50% of it might be that, however clumsy they are in the words they choose, or however arrogant they might be in their attitude, underneath it all they really might be trying to help (even if they are getting their emotional ya-ya's off by playing the expert.)  And the other 50% of it might be that you are a teensy bit (over? hyper?) sensitive to any input whatsoever. (Or any input that doesn't match the answer you want to hear?)  So try to take a deep breath and hear not what you think people mean, not what you think people are saying, but what they are actually saying.  It was an unbelievable surprise to me to discover just how far apart those things can be sometimes.

And with all that said, if someone plays the guru and offers you some unsolicited opinions about something you've shared, feel free to tell 'em to get stuffed.

You can always make amends later.

AA Slang - Double Winner

Double Winner

An individual who qualifies for both AA and Alanon.

If you think it's weird to read, it's REALLY weird to write.

So, one of my sponsees and I knelt down today and said the 3rd Step Prayer together.

If you think that's weird to read, it is really weird to write.

This sponsee and I have gone through the Steps together once before, and it seemed like a good idea, after some time passed, to do so again.  In addition to using the Big Book, which, for my money, is the best and ultimate and only real guide there is for the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, we've also been looking, this time around, in the 12 & 12.

That's a book who's official title is "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," I hasten to add, if you've stumbled onto this blog by accident and haven't clicked away yet, fascinated by these strange ramblings about prayer and Steps and such -- or perhaps stunned into insensibility by the oddness of it all, and can't get your neurons to fire up enough to make your index finger twitch on the mouse?  That's a more likely scenario.

(Some days I am keenly aware of how the sober foundation of my life might look fairly peculiar to someone not in AA -- just as, I suppose, it might look a little strange for a diabetic to whip out a shot of insulin at High Tea.  Some treatments look very odd out of context.  I heard a speaker recently, when answering a question about how they handled a particular situation, reply that they prayed about it and sort of tried to bring God into it -- and then they caught themselves, heard what they'd just said, and laughingly asked aloud, "Who am I?"  This reaction is not an uncommon thing for me even after many years passing.  I mean, come on!  Kneel down on the floor -- in the middle of the day? -- and pray? -- with someone else?!?  Who am I?)

The 12&12 is to the Steps like a travel guide is to a map.  The actual directions for how to get from Point A (your sucky, drunken, miserable alcoholic existence, in which everything you touch seems to turn to crap) to Point B (an existence that the Big Book describes as living in the 4th Dimension -- not the 5th Dimension, that's where Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr. are -- but rather a life that's, for the most part, a lot easier than the suck-fest of your drinking and using days.  A life that feels, once you're in it, so different from the way things used to be that you can feel like you're literally living in a different dimension) are in the Big Book.  But the 12&12 functions much like a well written travel guide, giving sometimes fuller explanations about things, or warnings against common mistakes and wrong turns.

So my sponsee and I, having gone through the 1st and 2nd Step in the 12&12, to supplement what's in the Big Book (which is, really, the best and ultimate and only real guide there is for the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous -- and yeah, I just copy/pasted that from above, because that pretty much says it all for me, on that topic) now came to Step 3, which states, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." (Always with the italics on that part -- AA falls all over itself giving people as much room as possible to have whatever kind of understanding of God -- including no understanding or a rejection of the concept all together -- as they might need.)

And in my experience, there are really two elements to that whole turning over to God thing:

1. Pray it. Which is really like 'say it' but if I say "I'm going to the airport" I'm just saying something, but when you talk to God then I think pretty much everyone would agree we call that praying.  (And when God talks to you sometimes it's called a miracle, and sometimes it's called mental illness, so if you think that God is talking to you very clearly, like you hear a voice, then my free advice is that you proceed very, very slowly on taking that direction, and on whom you tell.  History shows that it's a mixed bag of results on that front.  For example, Noah? Good call. Worked out pretty well.  Built the boat and got his wife and kids to clean up all the animal poop. Joan of Arc?  Not so much.  Oh, she had a good run, but that's not exactly a story with a happy ending now, is it.)  So I commit, in prayer, to God, that I'm giving myself, my total self, everything about me, my whole life and all that it entails, the entire cosmic enchilada -- including the free basket of tortilla chips -- to God.  When you take that idea into your heart, it can be a very powerful experience, and a wonderful relief.  And, as it says in the Big Book on this score "The wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea, voicing it without reservation." (pg. 63 for you Highlighter kids).  There are no specific magic words, although the prayer in the Big Book (again, pg. 63) is quite nice.  But this isn't white witchcraft we're talking about here -- you can express the idea however you feel most comfortable -- the key is to do so with all the sincerity and passion and understanding of what you're doing that you can muster.

2. And then, the other, much more practical, afraid-it's-time-to-get-busy part of it, is to actually go through the rest of the 12 Steps to completion.  There's no mystery, really.  If you want to "do" the 3rd Step, you complete the other nine steps -- and by the end of it, you'll have turned your will and your life over to the care of God, as you understand God.

Believe me, I know how easy it is to mock, or to condescend, when it comes to prayer.  I have struggled with having fleeting feelings of profound spiritual contact and then after the fact explaining them away as a sugar rush, or a coincidence, or fatigue or something.

But today, when I knelt down and prayed, trying to be sincere in my request, and hoping to be helpful to this person I was sponsoring, I felt Something. (I know! It sounds like blogbull -- I know it does.) But, just for a moment, there was a sense of alignment with, well, a Power greater than myself.  Typing those words can't even come close to expressing my feelings -- and even as I type them I feel shy about doing so.

But for today I am choosing to believe that it wasn't the sugar rush, and that while I may never understand, I can at least experience.

And to begin to do that, I need only be willing.

Prayer #10

Dear God,

I hate.

My guts are boiling and my heart  is ice.

Compassion for other people is a dead thing inside me and the idea of forgiveness enrages me and even this prayer for help tastes bitter on my tongue.

I don't want to forgive and I don't want to understand.

I don't even want to want to forgive or understand.

I hate and I hurt and I know this hatred is poison but it blinds me.

Help me!

Please, God, help me transcend that ancient urge to attack.  Help me see that retaliation only poisons me further.  Help me see that those I hate suffer in their own way from their own spiritual sickness -- as do I.

Please, God, help me see that I don't have to pretend a wrong thing is right to begin to understand and accept the people I hate (the people I fear).

Please, God, open a door in my heart, even if just a crack is all I can allow.

Please, God, hold me like a baby and let me feel the tender strength of Your power.  Change this bitter venom inside me.

Please, God, help me be, if not full of Your love today then at least, for now, free of my hate.