Dear Mister Pants,
I have a few years in AA, and I make myself available as a sponsor.
Over the years I have sponsored a few guys, but for no more then a
month. Then they just fad away. I know that this is not about me,
however it so feels about me. I know there are people who grab
newcomers and say "I'm your sponsor, we will work the 12 steps". I
often feel that the process should be somewhat organic, if not
voluntary.
Am I not being aggressive enough, should I not take no for an answer?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
An Out & Proud Member of AA
Dear O&P,
No one ever told me that they were my sponsor. Asking for help, hell, being willing to ask for help, is pretty key for me. But I too have heard those kinds of shares where someone just sort of moves in on someone new, like a pirate coming over the side of a ship. "Aaarrrr, I'm your Sponsor, Swabbie! Shut yer gob and get sober!" And, I'll admit, it does seem to work for some folks. For me, it would have driven me right out of the rooms, I'm pretty sure. So on some of this discussion I have to lean into the idea that God sorts this out. (Or as my first sponsor used to put it, 'there's a screw for every nut.') Telling someone that I am their sponsor doesn't work for me, as it's a "Program of Attraction, not Promotion." And again, if I'm going to sponsor someone I think it is pretty critical that they be willing to ask for help.
To your question more specifically, the most important thing to remember is that we sponsor people so that WE stay sober. (There's the old story about early on in AA history, Bill was very depressed that no one he was working with seemed to be staying sober, and Lois had to point out to him that, "I know one drunk who's staying sober, Bill. YOU." And it's not hard to imagine her muttering a "thank freakin' god!" under her breath shortly thereafter. Or the Lois version of that anyway. But it took Lois to remind Bill of the point of working with others, which is for our own sobriety, not theirs.) So your sponsorship of others has been 100% successful since you, YOU, have stayed sober -- whether the people you sponsor stick with you or not, stay sober or not, the point is that you are practicing the 12th Step, that is, carrying the message.
I do think that people in meetings hide behind the whole 'people need to ask for help' thing, though. Consider, if I'm new, I've probably spent my whole life pretending I didn't need help, now, alcohol and drugs have brought me to my knees, and I walk into a roomful of strangers and suddenly right away I'm supposed to be willing to ask for help? Eeesh, that's a tall order. Certainly it was out of my reach when I was new. IMHO, the best way to be available for sponsorship is this:
Share your experience on the topic under discussion in meetings at group level, since, if we tell people 'find someone who's got what you want' then it follows that people have to hear what you've got to know that they want it.
Remember the names of Newcomers when they introduce themselves at the beginning of the meeting, and go over and say hello to them at the end. Offer them your phone number, and then if it seems ok, ask for theirs. Call them the next day -- or in a few days -- and say, 'hello' -- maybe even invite them for coffee before a meeting. Just start to build a connection. It is a program of attraction, remember, you're not selling anything. But being available to someone who's new is certainly practicing the 12th Step, and also gives them a friendly and familiar face in the meeting. I don't think there's anything wrong with offering to be someone's 'interim' or temporary Sponsor, either. The word Sponsor gets thrown around so much that after we've been in meetings for a while we tend to forget that new folks don't have a clear idea on what a sponsor actually is. (and if you're new and you're reading this, remember, no one can make you do anything in AA, no one can even make you leave AA. If you have a desire to stop drinking you're in, and no crusty oldtimer can say different. Err, differently. That's an adverb there, I think.) So offering to be an interim sponsor might take some of the "feeling like I'm signing a contract without reading it" vibe out of it on the newcomer's part. Makes it so that it doesn't sound like they're getting trapped into anything (because, of course, they're not.)
Finally, O&P, pray about it. Good old fashioned AA advice. Pray about it. And then follow that up with the action of sharing in meetings that you're open to sponsorship and you'd love to help someone go through the Steps. I wouldn't try to be 'more aggressive' or 'not take no for an answer' -- that sounds a little like you're going to put a roofie in their coffee. (Hmm. There's a good song lyric there, I think.) Just be as open and available as possible, ask for some Spiritual help on the matter, and turn the result over, as we like to say.
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