Mr. SponsorPants

More Questions that come from the electronic mail! Over the internetwork of computers!

From Mr. SponsorPants's emailbox, this cryptic message:

I hate aa

Oh my God! Me too!

(Sometimes.)

And ... er ... that's not really a question, but I'm going to run with it (assuming that you weren't going to type 'I hate aardvarks' but then suddenly collapsed across the keyboard unable to finish your thought and inadvertently sending me your inter-species hate mail. I'm just going to figure you meant this for Mr. SponsorPants.  Oh, and as someone who's been accused of being a little long winded on occasion, I applaud your brevity, Sir or Madam!)

Here's the thing: If you hate AA, then don't go.

What, you thought I was going to give you a long pitch about why you should go? Forget it, my little aardvark-hater. You know what my favorite thing about AA is? We're not selling anything. (Or, as those crusty old AA Crocodiles in my early meetings used to say, "If you want what we've got, do what we did. If you don't want what we've got, enjoy the coffee, you can have your dollar back if you need it, and there's the door." Did I mention they were crusty?)  I imagine that people who go for chemo to treat their cancer hate going to chemo. I know that people who have diabetes hate having to test their blood sugar and give themselves insulin injections. They get used to it, but they don't really like it, and probably get to hating on it pretty regularly. (I know this especially from my friend S. who has diabetes, and will regularly call me up to complain that Patti LaBelle and B.B. King are liars, since they did a TV commercial about some home blood sugar test they use not hurting and according to him the little blood sugar pricking blood test thing hurts. S. is kind of a woosy, though, so this is not surprising coming from him.)

Another old AA expression is that "AA is not for people who need it, it's for people who want it."  Which is to say that there is a degree of willingness you need to do the AA deal, and if you're not willing ... well ... not much can be done for you then. You're not going to get much out of AA. It's like the gym membership that I have that I'm throwing money away on paying for every month. I am not getting much out of that gym membership because I'm not willing to go and make use of the gym.  But in case I sound a little crusty myself, let me go on to assure you that only a little willingness is needed to start, and no one I know has been completely willing at any given point in their sobriety. (That's not to say that there aren't people who have been completely willing for most of their sobriety -- it's just that I run with an obstinate and questionable crowd. Scofflaws. Reprobates. Infantile Rebels. I'm telling you, aardvark, they're practically Pirates.  If you went to the Mall with us you'd probably ditch us. And you would be wise to do so.)

Honestly, if you think you have a problem with alcohol and you really have a problem with AA I would ask you to email me again with more information. Why do you hate AA? (Or aardvarks, for that matter. What did they ever do to you?) From my own experiences I can tell you that often my hate and anger is rooted in fear.  Plain old fear of new people. Fear of being vulnerable or looking foolish. Fear of being tricked or told what to do or being taken advantage of.  Sometimes when those of us who have been in AA for a while welcome people in meetings we come on kind of strong -- if that happened to you, I'm sorry. For me, it's because AA really saved my life, and beyond that has been a profound source of health and even joy for me. (In general, I mean -- not all the time. Certainly not when I was 8 years sober. That was a baaaad year. Ten was only so-so too. This one's been pretty good, but it's only the end of April. Could turn on me at any moment. Oh, now there's a peaceful thought to carry through the day.) So if people have come on a little strong with you, it's just that they are enthusiastic about carrying the AA Message. Or they're pompous asses. It could be that, too. Either way, let me leave you with these three things:

One of the scariest things about alcoholism is that, although it may sound fanciful or crazy to put it like this, it sort of talks to you. And one of the things it seems to love to talk about is that anything that moves you away from drinking and using is bad or stupid or uncool. So if you're an alcoholic -- and I'm not saying that you are -- but if you are, then maybe this is what's operating in you right now. And if that's the case, then maybe rather than listening to the part of your mind that is trying to kill you, try listening to the part of your mind that is desperately trying to grab the microphone and wants you to live.

For me there are really two ways to treat my alcoholism. With alcohol, which, for the record, is my preferred treatment, and with AA.  Sadly (and really, it is tragic) alcohol no longer works as a treatment for my alcoholism. Thus, I am stuck with blessed with AA to deal with my alcoholic mind. But I had to believe that I was an alcoholic first.  So, if no doctor has advised you that you should not drink, then why don't you try what the Big Book suggests to determine if you are an alcoholic -- that is, try some controlled drinking.  Go on. Try to have two and a half drinks. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. Because you know what? I can have two and a half glasses of milk with little or no trouble. But I have never in my life been able to have two and a half screwdrivers. And, if a doctor has told you that you should not drink... then ... Hello! A DOCTOR has told you you should not drink. Ring Ring! Clue phone! It's for you!

Finally, maybe you can just decide to give AA a chance. What the hell, right? Try 90 meetings in 90 days -- really give it a try. Consider it a research project.  I don't know of anyone who's come to harm by trying that.  And if you live in a place where there aren't that many meetings, you can find lots of speakers recorded online ... and feel free to check back here. I'll have something new for you every day.

Oh, and lay off the aardvarks, willya? The climate's going to hell, they probably have enough problems right now.

Good luck.

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Ah, the 10th Step.  Or, as the crusty oldtimers in my early meetings used to call it, one of the key 'maintenance steps.'  (And for the record, now that I have more than 20 years myself, I'm a big fan of the phrase 'longtimers' rather than 'oldtimers.' Just a suggestion. Carry on.)

This outlines my experience of the 10th Step, both the more traditional literature-based (Big Book, mostly, with some "Twelve and Twelve" thrown in for flavor) version and also an outline that I heard in a meeting once that I've used and found very helpful over the years.

Pgs. 84 thru 86 in the Big Book talk about the Tenth Step and pgs. 86 to 87 talk about "In the morning we think about the day ahead ... " and "when we retire at night ... "

86 and 87 are mostly talking about daily reflection regarding the Eleventh Step -- but I know lots of people who use that as a jumping off place for a daily reflection/inventory/Tenth Step as well. And that's fine -- after all, there's no wrong way to practice self examination, really. But I wanted to be clear about what was where in the Big Book.

These are the questions from the Tenth Step in the Big Book, on pgs. 84 - 86, put into a simple list:

1. Was I resentful? Selfish? Dishonest? Afraid?

2. Do I owe an apology? 

3. Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?

4. Was I kind and loving toward all? (Man, that's a tough one.)

5. What could I have done better?

6. Was I thinking of myself most of the time? Or was I thinking of what I could do for others, what I could pack into the mainstream of life?

After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

I hate that "forgiveness" crap. That's really Old Testament-y to me. I usually ask God to help me forgive myself, rather than ask for God's forgiveness.  Most of the time I don't think God is pissed at me. Or disappointed.  (Which is pretty sporting of Him considering what a dreadful mess I can be. I mean, He really takes the higher ground on all that, and I must say, I appreciate it -- especially when I consider how often I've been disappointed and pissed at Him. Always gets sorted out though.)

And as part of the ongoing, in-the-moment "Spot Check" inventory, what's suggested is that at all times we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And when these crop up (I always think it's funny that it says "when" and not "if") what we do is:

1. Ask God at once to remove them.

2. Discuss them with someone immediately. (or, for me, as soon as possible)

3. Make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. (but if I'm in doubt I wait for #2 above)

4. Then "resolutely" turn our thoughts to someone we can help. (that is, reverse the flow and be of service to someone, somewhere, somehow -- to snap me out of any building resentment or self-obsession/abuse.)

But beyond the "spot check" inventory in those four points above (the clean-as-you-go, in-the-moment model) the Tenth Step in the 12/12 is pretty clear about looking at our daily behavior in writing, generally at the end of the day.  Specifically it talks about drawing up a "balance sheet," and the questions listed above, pulled from the Book, are a good way to do that.

For me, however, I have always found it both useful and comforting that the Tenth Step in the 12/12 talks about "inventory taking is not always done in Red Ink."

In the 12/12 it's suggested that I look for where I did good actions and had good intentions ... that I see where and how I was Just (as in fair) and courteous throughout the day -- and that I should note when I do that, too.

Of course the literature also talks about looking for our ancient enemy, rationalization, when we examine both our behavior and our motives.  I wish it wouldn't bring that up.

So with all that said, I have often used the format below which I heard once in a Meeting.  When I'm REALLY on my game I do it in the morning as a kind of To-Do List and again at night to kind of compare how I did.  What I write can be long or short, but the format/outline is quick and easy and (for me) covers everything.  Also, the idea is that if I DIDN'T do something I note that, too, so that if several days go by I can really see clearly that, "Wow, I've been talking a good game in my head about how I was going to do 'X' but several days have gone by and I haven't done spit on 'X.' "

So the quick outline that is both about what I'm doing right and what need to do differently is this:

A, E, I, O, U, and 'sometimes Y' -- Just like we learned the vowels in school. It stands for:

A - A for Alcoholism.

What am I doing/did I do to address my alcoholism today. Go to a meeting? Talk with my sponsor? Work on an inventory?

E - E for Exercise.

The AA Slogan H.A.L.T., (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired), just underscores how keeping our body chemistry balanced helps us maintain our emotional and spiritual equilibrium. So E is for Exercise, as in, did I do any today? If not, then I note that down (and I mean real exercise) so that I can over the course of a week look back and go, "Wow, I had planned on doing "X" every day but I really only did it twice this week..." -- or, on the other hand maybe note that "Wow, it's Friday, and I have done real exercise every day this week. Go Me!"

Now look, noting if I did or did not do any exercise is a bit of a stretch to call a part of "continuing to take personal inventory and when wrong, promptly admit it", I know that -- but honestly, I've found when I keep my body chemistry balanced (H.A.L.T. and the exercise piece) then I'm more able to be on my game for the "promptly admit it" part, and the "spot check throughout the day."

I - I for me, myself.

What did I do to take care of myself today? This is really broad, and sometimes nothing comes to mind one way or another, but for me this is about healthy self care -- setting boundaries, etc. -- beyond the straight-up 12 Step work in the "A" above. For example, did I take care of myself by making sure I took a real lunch break at work, or did I not put off buying that card and getting it in the mail so I'm not all panicky, or did I make a special effort not to deflect compliments, or was I especially good about keeping to my mediation routine ... anything substantive that underscores the "not only in Red Ink" part of my daily inventory.

O - for Others -- where was I of service?

And for me I regard this as 'Where was I of 12 Step-type service'? Not some bullshit "I didn't yell at any salesclerks today" stuff -- more along the lines of meeting with sponsees, or calling some Program peeps to see how they're doing, or performing my service commitment at a meeting, that kind of thing.

U - Uncover -- what is that thing that I don't want to think about?

I need to write it here.  It's not a promise that I will immediately do something about it, but it's about not sliding into denial or anything.  Like if I need to call the IRS and I haven't, or I keep putting the scary bills in a drawer and not opening them, or something.  I just note it here, so that eventually it's in my consciousness enough that I can become willing to do something about it.

'and Sometimes Y'  - for "Yahoo!" (the emotion, not the web service) as in, something especially fun that I'm looking forward to -- the hot date, the concert, the theater tickets -- This is the thing that makes life fun, and can be a building block to some gratitude for the abundance in my life.

So in practice what I've done is simply written them down the left side of a page, "A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y"  and then written the 'answer' in next to them -- sometimes I've done it in the morning as kind of a To Do List, left it on my dresser and gone about my day, and then wrote it again the same night to see if I followed through.  I like this because it covers the "whole" me but has a real focus on life through a 12 Step lens. It's a little bit "cutesy" I admit it. Works though.

Finally, the aeiou thing is not in the literature specifically, but I've used it on and off forever because I think it encompasses the whole spirit of the 10th Step, the good and bad, etc. Especially once you are in the real habit of 'cleaning as you go' (the 'Spot Check' part of the 10th Step) and don't have a lot of mental, emotional or behavioral trash to clean up at the end of every day.

What "willingness" doesn't mean.

Willingness does not mean "want to."

I thought it did. In fact, when I first showed up in A.A. I was very confused about what the word "willing" meant. I thought that to be willing to do something you had to want to do it.

Ultimately I discovered that that's not right at all.  In fact, "willing" for me often means I will do (or at least try to do)*  what I don't want to do -- and of course sometimes the reverse, as well.

"Want to" really has nothing to do with it.

    *And do not, I mean just do not serve up any of that Yoda crap to me on that score: "Do, or do not, there is no Try!" That was Yoda's famous line, I believe.  That might work great if you're a tiny green Jedi Master, jumping around in a homespun kimono, living on a swamp planet teaching young men to embrace the Force (and what kind of a personal ad are you running to do that, I wonder? "Vertically challenged, cross dressing teacher seeks Socratic relationship with young pupil. hwp, pic for trade." Is there a Craig's List in outer space?)  But if you're an alcoholic working to avoid black-and-white thinking, and trying to stay out of the results, 'try' can be a good way to begin.  "I'm going to try" can be the first thought before picking up the pen, or getting up off the sofa, or kneeling down to pray, if any of those things are problematic for you. And maybe it's in the 'try' that the willingness lives.  As an alcoholic/addict I am so prone to wanting to quit before I even start -- I unconsciously believe I have to already know how to do something before I even attempt it -- or I somehow think I'm not allowed to goof, and have to get it 100% correct from the moment I begin -- all messages some of us have gotten maybe from our childhood, or maybe from the world at large -- or maybe because we misunderstood something along the way.  That kind of stealth perfectionism is a paralysis, and works against the forward motion that goes hand-in-hand with being willing.  To create a willing state, I don't have to wait to want to do something, I can decide to do it regardless -- and if that decision is blocked by fear or perfectionism (which is also fear) or sloth (which is also fear) or ... you get the idea ... maybe I can begin ... get just one foot out over the edge of the bed and onto the floor ... through the simplicity of "try."

The Crack Whore Prayer

Dear God,

The Big Book says you want me to be "happy, joyous and free." That is, in essence, Your Plan for me. (God, I know the Big Book is not a Bible, but, as You know, I tend to lean on it pretty heavily.) So, I'm kind of forced to ask, when I consider things ...

Do you have a Plan for crack whores?

Sometimes, when my friends and I are troubled or afraid we comfort each other with: "God didn't get you this far just to drop you on your ass, now!" And "God has a Plan for you!" (or if we're worried about someone else we say, "Don't forget, God has a plan for so-and-so, too.")

God, even though these statements, on the surface, may seem feeble or simplistic or willfully naive, I still find the idea behind them both comforting and inspirational, and I feel I draw closer to You when I reflect on them.

But then I think about the crack whores.  HBO did a show about crack whores a while ago, God, and I can't get it out of my head. (God, I used to think I couldn't include things like HBO in my prayers, but I really need to tell You what's in my head, so I'm just going to let 'er rip. If You need lots of Thou's and Thee's and Blest's and stuff then let me know, and I'll try to translate this prayer into Elizabethan English -- but I'm going to lean into the whole 'Higher Power as I understand You' thing and just speak plainly for the moment, 'kay? Thanks.)

So, I think about the crack whores, and I get afraid that, well, what kind of a God would have a Plan where someone is a crack whore? At the very least it seems like a bad or mean Plan, but mostly it would seem that there is no Plan for someone to be a crack whore ... which means if there's no Plan for them then there's no Plan for me, and my friends and I are just healthy, privileged (spoiled) people mumbling mealy-mouthed platitudes to each other.

I imagine You answering me, God. I imagine You saying, "If you're so very worried about the crack whores, then why don't you go and help some of them."  Truthfully, God, crack whoredom seems tragic and terrible, but I don't want to do anything, me, myself, about it. I want You or someone else to, so that the world is a nice place and I don't have to feel guilty about what I have or sad for (or scared of) people who seem less fortunate than I.

I'm even kind of afraid to pray for the willingness to go out and help the crack whores, since if You gave it to me I fear that then I'd go try to help and I would be hurt or killed and most certainly I would get ripped off (and then when I was dead people would say out loud how noble and giving I was to go out and try to help the crack whores, but privately they would think I was stupid and crazy and a damn fool and what the hell did I expect, anyway?)

Most often, lately, God, I feel as though the world is a giant kitchen filled with food, and most of us are just sitting on the floor, complaining that we're hungry, and whining about someone coming in and making us a sandwich.  I imagine you raising your God hands and scratching your Godhead and muttering "I gave them everything they need, do they want me to not only provide the means, but also to chew the food and swallow it for them too?!?"

God, sometimes I want to believe there is a Plan mostly because I am afraid of what it means if there is not.

But then sometimes I believe there is a Plan because I see You in the order of the physical world and in the rich mystery of the spiritual one. I feel You in the ridiculous, raw, sloppy, vulnerable, tender and wonderful connections between people. I find You in the miracle of empathy and the power of forgiveness. I see You everywhere I look and I feel You alive and breathing love into the world with every beat of my heart.

God, please help me see that it is not the presence of evil or tragedy that proves there is no Plan or that You do not exist, rather, help me see that it is in people's response to such things that shows there is and You do.

God, help me transcend my fear and apathy and greedy selfish impulses. God, help me not to use the enormity of some of the world's problems as an excuse to do nothing about my own. Help me see that although I cannot perceive it the universe is connected in a beautiful and elegant way. God, help me believe in Your Plan and become a greater force for goodness and kindness and service to others each moment of each day in my life, starting right here right now. God, help me be an open door.

And God, please, help the crack whores.

Man, I don't want to write this one...

No, really. I don't want to write this one.

You know, there's a part in the 'Doctor's Opinion' in the Big Book which says "There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight."  Took me years to figure out what that was saying.

'The Doctor's Opinion' is in the very beginning of the Big Book, after the Forewards, and it was written by Dr. Silkworth, who worked at Towns Hospital where Bill Wilson would be admitted to dry out.  Dr. Silkworth was very conversant with alcoholism, as he'd specialized in the field for a long time. It was Dr. Silkworth who introduced the idea to Bill that an alcoholic's body (brain) has a physical reaction to alcohol unique to the alcoholic -- that is, an "allergic reaction," as they put it then. This used to confuse me, since when you said "allergy" or "allergic reaction" to me I thought in terms like, oh, someone gets stung by a bee and their throat swells shut, or they eat strawberries and break out in hives, or like nowadays, the kids eat peanuts and they go into anaphylactic shock (how overnight what seems like half the kids in America became allergic to peanuts is a topic of discussion for a better blogger than I, I'm afraid). But the allergic reaction that Dr. Silkworth was talking about they termed "the phenomenon of craving." When I, as an alcoholic, start drinking alcohol, the drive to drink is not just a mental desire, it is an actual physical craving, was their theory -- and the experience of most alcoholics and drug addicts (backed up by the research done in recent years examining dopamine and serotonin levels and such in the brain) pretty much supports that idea. One component in the disease of alcoholism -- or the 'theory' of the disease, if you're an argumentative sort -- is that there is a physical element to it.

So in the passage where Dr. Silkworth talks about 'the supreme sacrifice,' I believe what he's saying is that there are times when fighting the craving to use is too much for some people, and they take their lives rather than continue to struggle with using and/or relapse.

I'm stalling. I'm nattering on about Dr. Silkworth and the phenomenon of craving because I don't want to write about H.

A couple of hours ago I was sitting at my computer, where you can often find me. Ostensibly I was writing, but actually I was playing "City of Heroes," my most recent addiction. (No, not everything is an addiction for God's sake. I just like it a lot. A Lot.) Right now it's just me and the cat, and she won't narc me out for playing when I should be writing. Well, she would if she could, she's really not a very nice cat... I'm stalling again.

So I was sitting here, and D. called. I've been sponsoring him for a while now. He had relapsed about a year ago after having a good amount of time sober, and he's really back on track and doing great, imho. But he was pretty sad/freaked. He told me that H. had killed himself.

Now let me interrupt myself right here to say something. A cynic might think this is a pretty melodramatic story. It fits nicely into the overall direction of this blog, and isn't that handy.  Well, let me just say, I wish I was making this up. It would be a much better state of affairs if the facts were that I was a big effing phony, spinning some bullshit melodramatic tale of relapse and suicide to puff up my damn blog rather than the truth -- which is that a really nice guy, only 29 years old, who'd been in and out of AA for about the past ten years, decided to kill himself last night.

Now, I have to tell you, I find it repugnant in AA when people use stories about suicide to make tidy homilies about staying in Meetings and staying sober.  Suicide is not a simplistic thing.  So, no cautionary tale here, where I wag my finger at you and trade on H.'s tragic decision to add gravity and drama to what I'm writing. Instead, how about just the facts, as I personally know them to be true:

Smart, funny, nice, articulate, good looking kid. (I always thought of him as a kid, he had that boyish thing going on.) 29 years old. In and out of AA for about ten years. I first met him when he was maybe 19 or 20. He'd hit bottom pretty hard and got sober. After about a year he got a good job, started taking some classes at school, and got kind of busy -- as I remember him sharing it later on when he spoke about that time in his life, a little too busy for AA Meetings. Eventually he relapsed, and that became his pattern for the last ten years give or take. Maybe about a year or so ago I heard him speak at my regular Saturday night meeting. At that time he'd just gotten a year sober again. I have to say, to me he sounded really great, then. Seemed like he'd turned a corner.  I won't try to quote him exactly, my memory is not that good and that would be a cheap stunt, but I recall that to me he sounded like he really had some insight into some of what drove his relapse cycle. He and I were not too much more than acquaintances, really.  Friends in the way that AA allows you to be, which is to say we had both the 'ism' and the solution in common, and saw each other on and off at meetings, and occasionally around town, but we didn't really hang out together. We'd stop and say hi, catch up a bit, and go on our ways.

And last night, apparently he decided that continuing to live was too much for him, and alone in his apartment he put a plastic bag over his head and took his own life.  I include that detail not to shock, but to clarify. Because for all the petty dramas and bullshit high school dynamics that can occur in AA Meetings, for all the mixed motives of some recovery centers, the vulgar vaudeville of celebrities in rehab on reality TV, the pop stars falling out of limos, or what have you, what Dr. Silkworth wrote in the mid 1930's is as true today as it was then. There are many situations that arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight.  I don't know what situations H. felt he was in that made the supreme sacrifice what he thought he needed to do. What I do know is that while he may (or may not) have had other issues operating, if you are struggling with relapse your thinking is not clear, and you don't see all of the choices you have before you, until maybe you think you really only have one choice left.

So regardless of what you think of AA, or the 12 Steps, or addiction, or recovery ... this really and truly is a life or death issue.  A disease that kills.  It will likely not list "alcoholism" as H.'s cause of death. And again, I will not presume to simplify his tragedy for the sake of making a point .  But while alcoholism may not have been the only factor driving him -- God knows, I saw him over the past ten years struggle and struggle with it -- if it was not the only factor driving him, in my observation it was certainly a pretty powerful one.

And finally, it seems to me, after hearing a lot of shares and stories over a lot of years, although it sounds like superstitious tripe, if you have alcoholism it really is trying to kill you. And given the chance, it really will.

Questions that come from the Electronic Mail! Over the internetwork of computers!

Dear Mister Pants,
I have a few years in AA, and I make myself available as a sponsor. 
Over the years I have sponsored a few guys, but for no more then a 
month. Then they just fad away. I know that this is not about me, 
however it so feels about me. I know there are people who grab 
newcomers and say "I'm your sponsor, we will work the 12 steps". I 
often feel that the process should be somewhat organic, if not 
voluntary.
Am I not being aggressive enough, should I not take no for an answer?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Signed,
An Out & Proud Member of AA

Dear O&P,

No one ever told me that they were my sponsor. Asking for help, hell, being willing to ask for help, is pretty key for me. But I too have heard those kinds of shares where someone just sort of moves in on someone new, like a pirate coming over the side of a ship. "Aaarrrr, I'm your Sponsor, Swabbie! Shut yer gob and get sober!"  And, I'll admit, it does seem to work for some folks.  For me, it would have driven me right out of the rooms, I'm pretty sure. So on some of this discussion I have to lean into the idea that God sorts this out. (Or as my first sponsor used to put it, 'there's a screw for every nut.')  Telling someone that I am their sponsor doesn't work for me, as it's a "Program of Attraction, not Promotion."  And again, if I'm going to sponsor someone I think it is pretty critical that they be willing to ask for help.

To your question more specifically, the most important thing to remember is that we sponsor people so that WE stay sober. (There's the old story about early on in AA history, Bill was very depressed that no one he was working with seemed to be staying sober, and Lois had to point out to him that, "I know one drunk who's staying sober, Bill. YOU."  And it's not hard to imagine her muttering a "thank freakin' god!" under her breath shortly thereafter. Or the Lois version of that anyway. But it took Lois to remind Bill of the point of working with others, which is for our own sobriety, not theirs.) So your sponsorship of others has been 100% successful since you, YOU, have stayed sober -- whether the people you sponsor stick with you or not, stay sober or not, the point is that you are practicing the 12th Step, that is, carrying the message.

I do think that people in meetings hide behind the whole 'people need to ask for help' thing, though. Consider, if I'm new, I've probably spent my whole life pretending I didn't need help, now, alcohol and drugs have brought me to my knees, and I walk into a roomful of strangers and suddenly right away I'm supposed to be willing to ask for help? Eeesh, that's a tall order. Certainly it was out of my reach when I was new. IMHO, the best way to be available for sponsorship is this:

Share your experience on the topic under discussion in meetings at group level, since, if we tell people 'find someone who's got what you want' then it follows that people have to hear what you've got to know that they want it.

Remember the names of Newcomers when they introduce themselves at the beginning of the meeting, and go over and say hello to them at the end. Offer them your phone number, and then if it seems ok, ask for theirs.  Call them the next day -- or in a few days -- and say, 'hello' -- maybe even invite them for coffee before a meeting. Just start to build a connection. It is a program of attraction, remember, you're not selling anything. But being available to someone who's new is certainly practicing the 12th Step, and also gives them a friendly and familiar face in the meeting.  I don't think there's anything wrong with offering to be someone's 'interim' or temporary Sponsor, either. The word Sponsor gets thrown around so much that after we've been in meetings for a while we tend to forget that new folks don't have a clear idea on what a sponsor actually is.  (and if you're new and you're reading this, remember, no one can make you do anything in AA, no one can even make you leave AA. If you have a desire to stop drinking you're in, and no crusty oldtimer can say different. Err, differently. That's an adverb there, I think.) So offering to be an interim sponsor might take some of the "feeling like I'm signing a contract without reading it" vibe out of it on the newcomer's part. Makes it so that it doesn't sound like they're getting trapped into anything (because, of course, they're not.)

Finally, O&P, pray about it. Good old fashioned AA advice. Pray about it. And then follow that up with the action of sharing in meetings that you're open to sponsorship and you'd love to help someone go through the Steps. I wouldn't try to be 'more aggressive' or 'not take no for an answer' -- that sounds a little like you're going to put a roofie in their coffee. (Hmm. There's a good song lyric there, I think.) Just be as open and available as possible, ask for some Spiritual help on the matter, and turn the result over, as we like to say.

A POST IN WHICH MR. SPONSORPANTS INTRODUCES HIMSELF, AND MAKES A STAB AT EXPLAINING WHAT THIS WHOLE THING IS ALL ABOUT.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Mr. SponsorPants.

Hello!

More than 20 years clean and sober, and (dear God) more than 45 years old.

This is a Sponsor Blog. Or, to invent the word, a "sponsorial" blog. (I suppose I could have gone with "Splog" but let's not get too cute right out of the gate, eh? Plus, is it just me or does 'splog' sound kind of dirty?)

Basically, this blog is an open resource for alcoholics (specifically) and addicts (in general) who might want some help in both working through the 12 Steps of AA, and in applying the general principles of AA (rigorous honesty, willingness, humility/ego-smashing, open mindedness, tolerance of others/forgiveness and service, to put names to most of them) to the real world situations that come up on any given day in any given life.

And I, ladies and gentlemen, in keeping with the tradition of anonymity, shall go by the name of ...  Mr. SponsorPants!

Pleasedtameetcha.

(Superbloggers -- which the Internet is full of now -- would no doubt have a link somewhere here that would go to an entry regarding 'anonymity' -- what that's about and why I feel strongly about maintaining it -- but this is my first post, so you'll just have to be patient. I'll write one, and then link it. Soon as I figure that out. On it. Top of my To Do List.)

Why me? And why a blog?

Well ... let me be clear up front: I am not an "expert" in anything.

What I do have is experience in applying the principles of AA, imperfectly but consistently, to my own life on a daily basis for more than 20 years.

And over the course of those 20 years, I have accrued a lot of experience sponsoring people (a lot of people, actually). But not only does that not make me an expert, I want to be clear that that does not make me a therapist either. It makes me an experienced sponsor -- but I am neither an expert in treatment nor am I a therapist.

Jeeze, I guess I feel strongly about being clear there, since I said it twice.

Redundant redundant, Mr. SponsorPants.

(In fact, people who need a therapist should go and find one, and along those same lines, anyone who is not a medical professional who gives medical advice is only slightly less idiotic than the person who takes the medical advice of someone who is not qualified to give it.  Get clinical help if you need clinical help, and get medical help if you need medical help.)

 

Basically, a sponsor helps you get through the 12 Steps and apply the principles of AA to your life.  More generally a sponsor is a spiritual adviser, using their own experiences (both the good ones and the painful ones) as a way to apply AA's "design for living" through good times and rough times. (There are two places in AA literature that give a good picture of what a sponsor is. There is a brochure called "Questions and Answers on Sponsorship" and also there is a chapter in the book "Living Sober" that talks about sponsorship as well.  If you sit and listen in meetings to people describe their sponsors the role can get a little overblown, or intimidating. When in doubt, check the lit, kids. Always the best resource on these things.)

A real live face-to-face person is probably the best way to experience sponsorship, but sometimes you need a different take on a problem, or some things are so raw that to start by discussing it with an anonymous stranger might be a helpful first step in then bringing it to the people in your life, that is, your sponsor, or the people in meetings, and/or ultimately the other people in your life impacted by your disease and effected by your sobriety.  (Or is it affected, I can never remember.)  Hence, this blog: Mr. SponsorPants.  A place to get ideas and suggestions about applying the 12 Steps to your recovery and thus, your life.

(Pretty exciting to use the words "hence" and "thus" in the same sentence. Kinda Shakespeareanish. Shakespearean-y? Zounds!)

Of course anyone might benefit from applying the principles of the 12 Steps to problems in their life -- but that's a pretty tall order -- most folks aren't going to be interested in doing that.  Hell, most people in Recovery aren't interested in doing that!

But we sort of have to, if we want to stay on an even keel and remain clean and sober.

But of course anyone is welcome to consider this information and hopefully, to paraphrase what it says at the end of the 'Doctor's Opinion' in the Big Book, "though they came to scoff ... they may remain and get some good stuff out of it."

So ... questions, ideas, comments, problems ... bring it on. Drop me a line at

[email protected]

Thanks!

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants