Mr. SponsorPants

At work: Just a week or so ago...

 

 

Just a week or so ago...

 

"So then she told me I should quit my job right away and check in to a rehab."  She was sitting in the office, telling me of her experiences in meetings and the beginning of her search for a sponsor.  And she was clearly troubled by some of what she was hearing from people.

"Well I'm glad you didn't, I'd miss working with you and I'd have a helluva time finding someone to fill out the schedule on short notice."  I replied.  She got the intended humor and gave a soft, rye chuckle.

"But really, that kind of stuff freaks me out -- and I don't want someone too controlling!"

I could hear both the real fear and the manufactured drama in her statement.

"May I offer some thoughts on this whole thing?"  When I had my boss hat on I didn't ask permission to offer anything.  I just gave it.  I gave guidance, information or instructions about work.  But when I had this other, harder-to-put-a-name-to-but-clearly-not-a-boss hat on I was in the habit of asking before volunteering anything.  We were sitting in the office and I was counting out the cash drawers while she waited to clock in -- she who used to have trouble getting to work on time and now seemed to come in a little early perhaps just to have this time to talk.

"Sure."

"Well," I made little piles of change as I spoke; clink-clink-clink, and we both looked at the coins as I stacked them. "The suggestion seems pretty extreme on the surface.  But I think maybe you should consider the spirit of what they were trying to say."

"The spirit of it."  She sounded a little doubtful.

"Yes.  If you were diagnosed with 3rd Stage Scary Disease Number 5, and to save your life you needed to get medical treatment right away, you'd pretty much drop everything and get that treatment, yes?"

She considered it.  "Well... yes."

"So," now I made piles of singles, 25 per pile, and paperclipped each pile together "the spirit of this suggestion is that the self diagnosis of alcoholism is equally serious, and should be equally attention getting, and treated with the same level of urgency.  Even if what they said seems -- to both of us, I might add -- maybe a little extreme, the spirit of this suggestion is worthwhile.  This is serious, life-or-death business, and you would be wise to treat it as such."

"Okay.  That makes sense."

Money is dirty.  I looked at the grunge accumulating on my fingers in disgust as I went on to count out the fives, tens and twenties into their own bundles.

She began tearing open the deposit bags for me and sticking labels on them as we chatted.  "Right. Okay.  But it freaks me out when people are so... I don't want anyone too controlling.  It makes me not want to..." she trailed off, knowing by now my opinion on the importance of going to meetings.

"I understand.  But look," I said, filling out the little log and writing in how much change I wanted my opening Shift Leader to order from the bank, "say you went into a bar, and the bartender was a real asshole; intense and weird and trying to tell you where to sit or what to drink or whatever.  Would you say, 'Wow, that bartender is a controlling freak!  Because I met them I am never going to go to a bar again!'"

She giggled a little at the thought, which was what I was hoping for.  "No!"

"Okay," I stopped fussing with the banking and put my hands in my lap and looked at her directly, "then maybe that's what you should do with AA.  There are going to be a lot of people who, in their zeal to be helpful to you, might initially come across as 'too much' for you.  That's ok, but to use them as a reason not to go back to meetings is as silly and nonsensical as giving up going to bars because of some intense encounter with a bartender."

She smiled, "That makes sense, actually."

"Yes, it does.  My experience is that going to AA meetings saved my life.  I went to two a day for probably the first whole year."  (It was probably two a day for a couple of years, but I didn't want to slide myself into the 'Too Much' Column for her.)

"I'm going to two a day right now."  This offered in a small voice.

"Well, in my humble opinion that's wonderful, and I hope you keep on.  How do you feel?"

"Better, actually."

"Can I ask...?"

"9.  9 whole days sober."

"That. Is. Fan. Tastic.  Can I give you a hug?"  There's a camera in the office, and surely, if someone were to watch us in playback it might be an odd thing to see, but right at that moment I didn't give one flying eff.

She smiled big.  "Sure." We were of an age, and a hug between us was clearly a hug between friends, an AA hug and nothing more. I gave her a quick hug and then she pulled her string of Welcome Chips out of her pocket -- I was charmed to see she carried them with her like that -- I'd done the same thing -- and we chatted and cracked wise a little more before she started her shift.

I didn't want to say anything to her yet, but she was already... different.  One of the kids at work mentioned it to me the other night in fact, independant of my own observation.  A light was coming on in her eyes.  Her posture was changing.  Certainly this is in no small part due to the physiological effect of detoxing from chronic alcohol abuse -- the body is a marvelous mechanism and given a chance to heal will do so with speed and power.  But there was more to it as well.  I'd seen it before in others getting sober in AA.  We never notice a difference in ourselves -- not for a long time anyway -- but it is apparent to the people around us.  Spiritual healing is as visible, as palpable, as real as physical healing.  And that's what was beginning to take root in her.

'God puts people together for a reason' is something I've quoted to many sponsees.  (If there's a God, and today I vote yes, there Is.)

God creates an opportunity to be of service, for one alcoholic to help another be in the middle of AA's lifeboat, stay sober, and in virtually every way change their lives for the better.

I knew in my heart that this was another one of those opportunities.

But let me be absolutely clear about one thing in this:  The person being helped, being saved, being centered in the middle of the lifeboat and getting the chance to change for the better isn't her.

It's me.

 

At work: Several Weeks Ago...

 

Several Weeks Ago...

 

There was a problem with the fax machine, and although in this age of iGadgets and Tablet technology a fax sounds charmingly old school, the fact was that we use it quite a bit, so a problem with the fax was a problem I needed to fix.

I muttered and tinkered and cursed, and finally figured that it was potentially a problem on the phone line, which led me to call the phone company and begin climbing up the long tree of automated prompts to get to speak to a live person.

"If you are an existing ATT customer, Press 1. If you are a new customer, Press 2.  Para espanol, selecte nueve."

I pressed 1, and climbed from the first branch of the prompt tree to the next, thinking to myself that I should have gotten a fresh cup of coffee before starting this ascent.

"If this call is regarding Home Service Press 1.  For Business Accounts, Press 2."

And so on.

What seemed like twenty but was more likely no more than ten minutes later I was closing in on a live tech. (I'd already tried jabbing the zero button and the pound button repeatedly to get kicked to a live person, but the Prompt Tree was not so easily thwarted.)

"For technical support, please stay on the line, a technician will be with you shortly."

Finally! 

And then the door of the office burst open.

"Look!" she said, half in triumph, half in defiance.  She thrust her hands out in front of me.

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us.  A technician will be with you shortly."

"Oh. Um. Wow?"  I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be looking at.

"This is what two days without a drink looks like."  Belatedly I noticed that her hands were shaking.

"Wait, what?" I was dumfounded.  She knew I was in AA (most of work now knew I didn't drink, but that was the extent of it) because she had overheard some of my friends talking to me -- discreetly -- but since she'd taken a pass at recovery herself several years ago she knew enough of the language to put two and two together and come up with sober.

"Yes.  I... I haven't had a drink in two days."

"And you've got the shakes?!?  My God, how much have you..."

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us, a technician will be with you shortly."

We'd talked about different issues once she'd found out I was in recovery.  It's not the first time at a job I've found myself walking the delicate line between co-worker (supervisor) and 12 Stepper, so this wasn't entirely uncharted territory.

(At almost every job I've ever had, from the beginning of my sobriety, there's always one alcoholic or addict or something placed on my path -- once I worked for someone who was a bulimarexic, which means that she starved herself, and the one cracker or whatever she would allow herself in a given week she would then try and throw up.  She was a good boss though.  Except for her propensity to faint.  And leave clumps of hair in the break room.)

All of which is to say that I have had practice in balancing my spiritual journey with my career path  --  I swear, I don't go looking for it.  I'd rather be a quiet example of sobriety when I'm on the clock than get all involved in 12th Stepping.  But when the Universe gives me a Cue... what's a sober guy to do?  As Alcoholics Anonymous' Responsibility Declaration states:  "I am responsible.  When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help I want the hand of AA always to be there.  And for that, I am responsible."

So she started telling me her story -- or, the most recent chapter of it.  Which began with the fact that she's got a long drive home from work, and had apparently been buying a bottle of wine to drink on the way.  (Atta girl!)  And then once home... so these shakes were the real deal.

"If you've got the shakes then you should really look into maybe a medically supervised..."

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us.  A technician will be with you shortly."

Damn I should hang up. This is important.  But I'd been caught completely off guard, and had some resentments about work on simmer in my psychic kitchen and to be honest I was... it was a curve ball I didn't want... I just didn't want to have one more damn thing to manage, especially...

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us.  A technician will be with you shortly."

"I was hoping" she looked down "maybe you could suggest some meetings or..."

I sighed inside. 

"Please stay on the line..." I heard a human voice interrupt the recording. "Hello, thank you for calling ATT Technical Support, my name is Daniel, how can I assist you?"

I could climb the tree again.  Have a cup of coffee while I was at it, too.

"Thank you, Daniel, but I'll have to call back."  I put the phone gently in its cradle.  "Of course I can.  Do you have a Meeting Directory?" 

I know it's all a little pat.  I don't blame you for thinking I might be making some of this up.  'fraid not. 

I reached into my bag -- and it was too cute that I'd bought a new Directory at the last meeting I'd been to.  So funny, that Higher Power.  Such a Card.  "Here's where all the little abreviations are explained, like a Closed Meeting or Open, or a Women's Meeting or whatever..."  I gave her the Directory after we highlighted a few meetings and dog eared a page or two.

I can handle one more thing at work.  I have a lot on my plate, but I also have a Primary Purpose (look it up.)  It's not my solitary purpose, but it is my Primary one.

And because...

Because if I pray to be of service, if I pray for God to use me as God will, then it's a little counter productive to not actually be of service when called upon to do so.

Because when I was newly sober, with my own hands shaking from detox, everyone I met in AA made me feel like helping me was the most important thing in the world to them -- and that it was no trouble at all.

Because I know a little about this person -- we're of an age, and have had some issues on the job -- and I know a little about alcoholism, and I know what it costs to ask the only person you know in AA for help in connecting with AA.  And at that moment I was likely the only person they knew who was in AA. 

Because when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there.

And for that, I am responsible.

 

.

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

It is possible -- even easy -- to take a perfectly good day and ruin it, through the power of your own mind and its lousy, stinking thinking. 

 

The likelihood of this happening (or not) for me is in direct proportion to the amount of AA meetings I have been to in a week.

 

The quality of Willingness is like a muscle; without use it atrophies.

 

Some people are so determined to be victims that if no one around is victimizing them they will create a completely fictitious scenario in their mind which allows them to feel victimized.  One of the most important things to consider about this is that, since, by necessity, they are blind to this mechanism at work, it is possible (perhaps even likely?) that there are dysfunctional mechanisms at work within any of us me which we I are am also completely blind to, and which create wholly fictitious scenarios to validate a personal, dysfunctional script/identity.

 

Again, the likelihood of this happening (or not) to me is in direct proportion to the amount of AA meetings I have been to in a week.

 

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series. A little bit about being powerless vs. being helpless

 

 

Powerless is not the same thing as "Helpless."  And after you've been sober for a while, fully embracing the idea that you are indeed powerless over your addiction, saying "I'm powerless over [other thing/issue/defect]" is really now a call to action -- since you know what to do.  You have the road map.  You know how to utilize the help available to deal with whatever else you may think you're powerless over.  If you just wander around and say "I'm powerless over X" all the time, you're just basically using it as an excuse.

And with that said, it can take me a while to go from "admitting I'm powerless" to "willing to do something about it."

Or, to put it another way, I'm inordinately fond of making excuses.

And of using the language of recovery to pad them out into nice, defensible positions.

Or, to put it yet another way, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles."

But to put it yet another another way, I don't think I've ever effected any real and substantive change in my behavior by yelling at myself about getting into action or being powerless.

Yet a good, direct, no-bones-about-it, spine-stiffening self-talking-to?  That's not the same as "yelling at myself" -- and sometimes is absolutely the critical ingredient in self-honesty -- which leads me to willingness, and eventually to utilizing the help -- that "simple kit of spiritual tools" -- to address the other things I may find I'm powerless over, once I'm sober.

And-or-and-or-but-yet... I'm out of coordinating conjunctions.

Thank God.

 

Cheers!

 

Questions via Email: The fastest way to become willing

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What is the fastest way to become willing?

Thanks for the blog!

Curious and willful

 

Dear C&W,

Suffer.

More to the point, suffer the pain of your own willfulness, ego, stubbornness and inflexibility.

Suffer the consequences of your actions.

Repeatedly.

In my experience it is eventually possible to get there without all the spiritual bloodshed... but for me the fastest path to Willing is the pain train.

(Of course, the scariest part is that just because it is the fastest doesn't mean it's actually very fast.)

Your other choice is to pray.

Up to you.

Cheers!

...if I'm not ruthlessly honest about these things...

 

 

 

 

You would think, with the desire to be healthier, different, better, more recovered, free from emotional pain and mental anguish and crippling fear and needling ego, that I would be eager to change.

You would think.

And I am.

But what I think is change and what is really change are sometimes two different things.

Yes, I want to change... yet how often is it that what I really want is a different result -- absolutely! -- but from my same, comfortable process?

Or yes, I want to change, but on my time table -- which is not a very realistic one -- certainly not on God's.  And if it doesn't happen in the time I decree, then I give up.  Not with a big, dramatic temper tantrum -- so easy to clock for what it is -- oh no, the much sneakier -- and in its own way sicker -- slow fade back to same old same.

Or yes, I want to change... but what I really want is to feel like the kind of person who wants to change, I want to look like the kind of person who wants to change... I want to look like the kind of person who is working to change... but I really don't want to change.  I'm just posing.

The real challenge for me today is to be deeply willing to be different, and by deeply I mean in my secret heart, not on the surface where it's all the Mr. SponsorPants Show -- for myself more than anyone else, actually.

As many wiser than I have observed, it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful.  I always thought that was about external changes thrust upon me -- and certainly, it applies -- but lately I've come to see how with the help of a Higher Power it is I who can be my own catalyst for real, substantive change in my outlook and behavior... and it is also I who can be my own saboteur, my own stumbling block... my own jailer.

I don't drink, one day at a time, and that is enough powerful transformation for any one drunk to experience.  But to settle for that alone, as I stay sober day by day, is throwing the gift back in God's face, I believe.

Some days this kind of thinking does indeed qualify as being too tough on myself.

But other days, if I'm not ruthlessly honest about these things, I'm just living in the bullshit.

 

the completely opposite direction from where you will ultimately be

 

The caterpillar-into-butterfly thing has been used to death as metaphor, analogy, inspirational image... I myself often bring it up when talking to sponsees about the idea of "Divine discontent."

It's also a wonderful (and common) way to talk about Faith; about the idea that God (if there is one, and today I'm voting yes) has something better in store, something bigger, if we but trust the process.

Usually when I think about it I somehow imagine the caterpillar not really knowing what's involved, but just taking each step as it comes.

 

But what if it did know?  Who could blame Mr. C for doubting?

 

Caterpillar: "Let me get this straight.  You want me to go into a small, dark space and remain totally motionless, and that is going to open up a whole new world for me."

God:  "That's right."

Caterpillar:  "So... I'm going to gain wings by... lying still."

God:  "Yes."

Caterpillar:  "I get the sky...  by lying in the dark."

God:  "Right."

Caterpillar:  "Riiiiight.  Sure I will."

 

It struck me, as I thought about it this way, that a Divine process -- wherever one is or whatever one might be going through -- may look, from our perspective, like one is moving in the completely opposite direction from where you will ultimately be.

Huh.

That makes faith a little easier for me today.

Cool.

 

always the hardest

 

 

 

the two parts of asking for help

 

 

There's really two parts to asking for help, when you think about it.

There's the "please help me" -- the part where you ask for help.  That's hard enough.

But the real heavy lifting is in actually hearing and accepting whatever help is offered; without ego, without defiance, without resentment, without filters...

Sometimes in life it's taken almost everything I have to just ask for the help.  Anything more than that felt like it was beyond me.

As dramatic as that sounds, it's true.

 

Thankfully, when I run out of power, I have an outside source which has never failed me when it comes down to it.

And no, I don't mean coffee, smart ass.

 

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask

 

 

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, 'Where did I go wrong?'

Then a voice says to me 'This is going to take more than one night.'"

-- Charles M. Schultz

 

The next time I catch myself reviewing my precious catalog of foolishness, mistakes, hurts, injustices, flaws and defects, I hope I remember at least these three things:

1. That the overwhelming majority -- as in 99.999% -- were (and are) of my own making.

2. That it took every sloppy, horrible, ridiculous, monstrous, pie-in-the-face moment along the way to both get my attention and help make me who I am.

3. And that, thanks in large part to Alcoholics Anonymous, I mostly like who I am today.

 

All that stuff in #'s 1 and 2 doesn't have to feel like I'm turning on the rotisserie spit of regret and shame -- as you might think it would.

It is transumted instead (thanks to #3) into a kind of self-realization and rye affection (which is perhaps too quiet for some to call a miracle, but when I'm on my game certainly feels like one to me).

 

And as I've said, one way or another, many times here by now -- and which will always bear repeating -- this transformative state, this sense of comfort with one's self and one's past and one's place in the world, is available to any alcoholic who wants it -- anyone at all -- who is willing to work the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and live (to the best of their ability) these principles on a daily basis.

(And if you think you had that once, but feel you've lost it, remember, you don't have to drink to start over.  One Day at a Time, each day is my do-over.)

I suspect there is no external thing, no matter how it is valued in the world at large, which is a greater wealth or freedom than this.