Mr. SponsorPants

metaphor for a meeting

 

 

 

a rude truth for all

 

 

 

(amen)

 

 

every hour or two I need some or I start feeling sick...

 

From the comments section earlier this week:

I was wondering... I want to get sober but for many reasons treatment is not an option right now. I drink so heavily (every hour or two I need a some or I start feeling sick) that I'm afraid I may have a seizure if I quit cold turkey or too fast. Do you know if there's any way I can safely detox on my own? Do you have any tips for that?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

You are right.  You likely will have a seizure and/or suffer other dangerous, potentially life-threatening symptoms if, as you describe, you drink every hour or two and you cold-turkey it on your own.  (A level of alcohol intake which is perfectly plausible to someone like me, by the way.)

All I can offer you are these few thoughts:

With that level of alcohol intake you must have a medically supervised detox.  Your life is at stake.  So whatever "many reasons" there may be right now, what you are saying is that those reasons are more important than you continuing to live.  Your imminent death is second to whatever reasons are preventing you from seeking out some sort of medically supervised detox.

I urge you to consider that no matter what those reasons are, they are not more important than your life. 

Also, please consider that because you are drinking as much as you are your ability to assess how important those reasons are may be badly out of whack.

If the "reasons" are primarily financial, then perhaps this link will help:

 

http://www.ncadd.org/ 

 

That is the web site for the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence.

On their site you will see, on the top left, in purple, a "Get Help" clickable section tab.  Within it are ways to find local resources, and good advice (including, which might be right for you, the suggestion to go to a hospital emergency room).  I have very little direct experience with the NCADD, just one good interaction when I was very, very newly sober, but they might be a way to find a low or no-cost medically supervised detox if the barrier to treatment is a financial one.

And if the barrier is not financial... then whatever other reasons you may have which prevent you from seeking a treatment facility where you can be safely detoxed are illusions:  Ego, fear, pride, alcoholism -- and/or the chemically altered state of your brain -- working in concert to prevent you from making a healthy decision.

Alcohol in the body of an alcoholic triggers the phenomenon of craving, which keeps us drinking.  Thus it is very, very long odds for a real alcoholic to be able, on their own, to wean themselves off of alcohol.  It is also very dangerous for someone who is drinking to try and use any other medications -- or drugs in general -- on their own, to buffer or blunt the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.  To speak plainly, bong hits and valium in your own living room is not a safe or smart detox plan.  (Never mind that it's a bit like, as they used to say when I got sober, changing deck chairs on the Titanic.)

You know you are in trouble and you know you need help.  That is clear from the fact that you asked the question you did.

But I'm afraid this is the bottom line: "Safely" and "detox on your own" do not line up together.  To safely detox from intense alcohol intake you need some kind of medical supervision.  It doesn't have to be some grand, weeks long in-patient thing, but for the initial period of separation you need some hands on help.

God will have a hand in this if you ask for spiritual guidance, but to paraphrase what the Big Book says, God filled this world with Doctors and medical practitioners for us to use.

So use them.

 

Good luck, and please, do not delay.

 

 

reasons

 

 

 

 

 

Cracked me up.

But I was reminded recently of when I was newly sober, and people would come back from a relapse and list -- either in conversation or when they shared -- "why" they drank.  My dead sponsor (he's who's wise counsel I miss every single day) would lean over to me and whisper, "Bullshit.  They drank because they're an alcoholic."  Needless to say I would be scandalized and hope that no one heard his rude remark.  He was wise, but towards the end he was extra salty.

I was then (and am now) of two minds on that subject.  On the one hand, I think it can be useful to perform an "autopsy" on a relapse.  (Apt choice or words; if you don't perform one on the relapse someone may perform one on you, eh?).  If, when people come back, rehab counselors and well-meaning AA's will ask "what are you going to do differently this time?" then it's fair to say that one should identify what they did/didn't do which let alcoholism roll that "curious mental fog" back in -- which fuzzes our thinking to a degree that makes picking up a drink acceptable (regardless of all the horrible things which happened before).

On the other hand, I think my dead sponsor was dead on.  At the end of the day, we drink because we're alcoholics.  We come up with a smoke screen of reasons either trivial or artificial, fueled by resentment or insanity (often both), but we pick up a drink because we have a disease which seduces and compels us to do so.

A disease from which I have only a daily reprieve -- and that only if I take regular doses of my AA "medicine."  (That's my truth.  If you have a different truth, that's great.  Just because you're not on my path doesn't mean you're lost -- but if you're really an alcoholic, be careful.  Sometimes our thinking is not to be trusted, and going it alone is like telling your doctor "Cancer? Ok. Thanks, but I can take care of it myself."  Serious illness needs serious assistance in treating it).

 

It's that time of year again... Mr. SponsorPants Annual Sober Holiday Survival Guide

In years past it was pointed out that I put this up on the blog a little late to be of any practical use to people.  So here, while travel arrangements might still be in the works, (and thus this would hopefully be more helpful) is "Mr. SponsorPants Annual Sober Holiday Survival Guide":

 

Holidays, families and alcoholics.  A potent combination, be it for feeling gratitude or copping an attitude.  As the old joke goes, no one knows how to push your buttons like your family -- after all, they installed them.

With that said, here is some of the best I can offer when it comes to holiday parties, family visits, and this whole wonderful/terrible time of year:

1. Remember, you don't have to go.  Yes, yes, maybe you should go.  Maybe it's a bad idea for your career, or it would be hurtful or disappointing to someone if you don't go -- those can be compelling reasons to get on a plane or show up at a party -- but you don't have to go.  You aren't trapped, and you can change your mind at any time if you need to -- you can turn that car right around on the way to the airport or before you enter the parking structure.  If you are a real addict your life is on the line, and though we can be prone to drama and selfish decisions, it's obviously better to stay sober, and after the fact determine if you might have been oversensitive or dramatic (a very real possibility), than to force yourself to go somewhere slippery when you're feeling frightened, resentful and trapped -- and then relapse.  Because if you really are an alcoholic then your alcoholism really is trying to kill you -- and you may have taken the holiday off, but it hasn't.

2. Remember, you can leave.  In the middle of a sentence, in the middle of a toast, in the middle of the cutting of a cake, you can, without drama, without a scene, excuse yourself and leave.  If the occasion or the moment seems to indicate a reason should be offered, just say you suddenly feel ill and step out.  It's not even a falsehood, though you may mean emotionally or spiritually ill and others may think the artichoke dip didn't agree with you.  In fact, it doesn't matter if people in the moment believe you or not, or if you have to explain a little more later, or make amends after the fact -- it is better to leave quietly and stay sober than remain at an event and relapse -- because if you relapse, they'll most likely wish you had left.  As I've said to sponsees, you can leave with a fork halfway to your mouth, if you have to.  Which leads me to...

3. Remember, if at all possible, drive yourself and don't give anyone a lift -- not out of selfishness, out of self preservation.   If you have to leave because you are freaking out and you think you might not be able to stay sober then you need to leave -- not wait for someone to dither around saying goodbye or getting their coat or finishing that last slice of pie.  If you do have someone with you, hopefully you can explain in advance that you might have to leave abruptly -- not that you're planning on it, but that you might need to -- so help them have a Plan B for leaving if they want to stay, or perhaps agree that they're willing to leave on short notice with you.  If you're the passenger, be ready to call a cab or walk to the bus stop or at least step outside for some air.  Which brings us to...

4. Remember, you can leave and then return.  Leaving doesn't have to mean leaving the whole event and going home or back to the hotel or wherever -- go for a walk, get some of that aforementioned air, sit in the car and scream (though the valet may look at you funny) -- and then once you've gotten your equilibrium again go back in -- with an eye on the Exit for Round 2, if you have to.

5. Remember, don't expect Program responses from people who aren't in the Program.  There you are, flush with recovery and armed with a whole new language to identify how you feel and communicate it with people.  Remember that the family dinner table is not a 12 Step Meeting, and if you start "sharing" rather than talking you may be met with "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."  Or worse (in my book) patronizing smiles that are the equivalent of a pat on the head and a "isn't that nice, dear."  Again: Don't expect people who aren't in a 12 Step Program to act like people in a 12 Step Program.  (And what's the set up there? The evil alcoholic node in that sentence?  "expect" -- expectations of family are some of the deepest -- and often least conscious -- and most lethal expectations an alcoholic can have.  Yes, it's a high bar to clear -- an impossible bar to clear in fact, to have absolutely no expectations of people -- but if you're aware of the mechanism at work it helps keep the resentments from running you ragged.)

6. Remember, for most addicts, maybe = yes.  If you think you might drink or use if you visit certain people or places then that's just a prelude to actually doing so.  Be sure of yourself.  If you're not sure, the stakes are too high to play a people-pleasing game and place yourself at risk.

7. Remember, other people find the holidays difficult and emotionally charged as well -- you're not the only one having a tough time of it -- watch for ego and hyper-sensitivity, and rather than sit in your own upset, see who and how you can help wherever you may be or whomever you may be with.  Short answer:  Want to feel better?  Be of service.

8. Remember, "Please pass the gravy" is not code for "Please, now that you're sober, unload all of your pent up anger and frustration you've been stuffing for the past X years, right here right now, during dinner."

9. Remember, Alcoholics Anonymous suggests when dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.  Even for those of us who are learning that we are not doormats it is not necessarily smart to immediately confront a situation head on.  In fact, by writing out a quick inventory (and be careful where you leave that paper lying around if you're visiting home, Bucko) and organizing your thoughts and feelings you can then confront something and talk about the actual thing that caused your resentment, rather than get all tripped up talking about your feelings and anger.  It's a very different thing to say "Please don't make jokes about my job" instead of "I feel angry when you make jokes about my job."  The latter will just create a discussion about your feelings, and that's not what you're trying to do -- you're setting a boundary, not inviting opinions on your emotional sensitivity level.  If you write out your resentment you can get clarity in your head before you open your mouth -- I've tried it the other way, to spectacularly poor results, I assure you.  And all that is said with a giant IF in front of the idea that it is wise for you to "confront" anyone at all.  Most of the time it probably isn't.

10. Remember, it is possible to look like you're listening intently to someone while you are actually saying The Serenity Prayer over and over in your head.

11. Remember, "love and tolerance is our code."  If your family, or your boss, or your employees, or whomever, actually could do any better they probably would.  For particularly difficult, toxic or challenging people try to consider that it is much worse to be them than to deal with them -- keep at the forefront of your mind that those who trouble us are spiritually sick themselves, and are deserving of our compassion (as difficult as it may be to summon for some) more than our criticism.

12. Remember, you may not have been such a winner yourself on past occasions -- it may take a while for people to "see" who you are today.  Be patient, show who you are now rather than tell who you are now, and things will eventually change.

13. Remember, miracles do happen -- damaged relationships heal, wounded parties forgive, shattered families come back together ... it doesn't happen the way we may envision it, or with a clever soundtrack and excellent lighting as in your favorite independent film, but it really does happen.

14. Remember, breathe.  Just three deep breaths before speaking can save a life.  I am not exaggerating.

15. Remember, it is not your family's job to understand alcoholism or Alcoholics Anonymous -- it's yours.

16. Remember, it's not your job to diagnose everyone in your family with your magical new sober powers, nor is it your job to whip out your spiritual took kit and try to fix anyone around you.  AA is a program of attraction, not promotion.  When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.  If you're being an example you don't have to explain, and if you find yourself doing a lot or explaining you're probably doing a poor job of being an example.

17. Remember, AA is a "design for living" -- and what that means in the real world is that other people's behavior does not dictate my behavior -- you can't make me yell or behave badly, only I can make me do that.  I am not a doormat, but I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to, either.  A smile and shrug is an excellent strategy for quietly deflecting things.

18. And finally, remember, bring your Higher Power with you -- you're not going in their alone.

 

Why 18 and not a nice round number like 20?  Dunno -- I only have 18 I guess.

Happy holidays to all, and while whatever you celebrate and whomever you celebrate it with can make for a wonderful/terrible day, it is also just another 24 hours, and one minute at a time, this too shall pass.

Cheers!

You don't have to... today

A lot of emails recently from very frightened people; people who relapsed and want to be sober, or are afraid they can't make it or don't deserve it or that other issues will overwhelm them.  I remember feeling that way when I was new... and at other times along the way, too.  After thinking about it a lot and praying a little, this is what I want to offer...

 

Dear Alcoholic,

You don't have to be #1 at anything today.

You don't have to figure things out, or understand, or make sure everyone (or Someone) understands you.

You don't have to remember everything, or get all organized and start making lists.

You don't have to solve every -- or any -- problem you have today (or solve someone else's problems today either).

You don't have to figure out what will make you happy, or what you should do with your life.

 

Those are good things to do of course, and come with a measure of reward or satisfaction or comfort.  That's very true.  I'm not saying those things are completely unimportant.

But you don't have to do any of those things today.

 

All you have to do today is not pick up that first drink.

One hour at a time.

One five minutes at a time.

Until your head hits the pillow.

And if you do that,

you win.

 

That's it.

 

And the rest of that shit will just have to work itself out or wait its turn.

Sober first.

The rest second.

It has worked for thousands of other alcoholics -- it will work for you.

After all, we're in the miracle business -- lives are transformed every day.

Mine is.  Yours too.  (Yes, dear one, even yours.)

Today.

 

how grateful I am

 

 

sometimes

I can write and write and write

about how grateful I am

for the life I have

and its quality -- in large part defined by my sobriety

and how AA has shaped my view of the world.

but nothing I write seems to ever truly capture

the depth of that gratitude.

 

if you are new to sobriety

hold on

one day at a time.

there are not the words

for the transformation you can experience.

Questions via Email: 3 Part Disease?

 

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I'm new. I hear all the time that it's a 3 part disease but I'm not sure I know what that means. Please don't tell me to look in the Big Book.  Can you please just tell me?

 

Wondering

 

Dear Wondering,

You know, I sponsored someone once who just couldn't understand the Big Book.  It's not that they weren't smart, nor did they lack for willingness.  It's just that they weren't much of a reader, English was their least favorite subject in school (actually, I think school was their least favorite subject in school) and then to top it all off the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (the aforementioned "Big Book") was written in 1938/9, so it's full of early 20th Century slang (like "... the goose hung high..." and "... lest I burst through my window, sash and all..." and "the remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row, and I became a lone wolf."  That last one, by the way, is important if you're new and beginning to identify with some of what you hear in meetings...)  They wanted to read the book, but they needed me to sort of translate it for them.  As intelligent as the were -- and they were -- they couldn't take that writing in with any real comprehension themselves.

All of which is to say that, in my humble opinion there are two kinds of people who have a problem with the Big Book:  The Wont's -- who have issues with sloth, willingness and rebellion (hello... er... almost everybody) and the Cant's (hello... er... almost everybody else). 

So today I'll think of you in the Can't camp and I won't parse out a clever, snarky little anecdote which ultimately scolds you and then tells you to go to the Big Book...

...

...

...

>>>Mr. SponsorPants makes Herculean effort to restrain himself<<<

...

...

...

...(dear God, I think I just pulled something)...

since that's probably not very helpful to you (but damned fun to write, I must confess).

 

In an effort to not drown you in words and information I'll try to keep this bare bones.  I'll just give you what I understand this 3 Part business to mean:

 

Alcoholism is a three-fold disease:  Body, mind and spirit.  Physical, mental and spiritual is how it is also often spoken about.

When an alcoholic ingests alcohol, there is a physically rooted craving for more which is triggered. That's the "body" part of the disease.  Today's medical technology can map brain activity and give a diagnosis around addiction which talks about "serotonin production" and "serotonin uptake" and some other cool stuff, but for you and me, the word "craving" can serve as a perfectly accurate label for the hard science.  And just to be clear, a "craving" is not just a fancy way of saying "I want" -- we're not talking about the desire to keep your buzz going once you start drinking.  We're talking about a literally physically driven reaction to the alcohol separate from the high and different from just the generally lowered inhibitions alcohol engenders.  The difference between a desire and a craving is like the difference between a wave and a tsunami.  There are some similarities, but one of them is always going to be irresistible.

And no matter how horrible the consequences of their drinking becomes, an alcoholic is not able to use the idea, or the memory, or the thought of those consequences to influence our decision making enough to prevent us from eventually picking up a drink all over again -- and then triggering that physically rooted craving.  On the most basic level that's the mental part of the disease.

The spiritual part of the disease refers to the staggering level of self-involvement (bordering on narcissism) that most alcoholics have.  Life is not all about us; life is all about us. Every relationship and event is viewed through a backwards and distorted lens -- like how in ancient times people thought the Sun revolved around the Earth, alcoholics believe everything revolves in some way around us.

Thus it is the one-two punch from the self-centeredness of the spiritual aspect and the (sometimes-but-not-always-willful) blind spot of the mental element which keeps most alcoholics on a cycle of drinking which, in both my observation and personal experience, never seems to lead to a healthy, happy, fulfilling life.

 

That help?

 

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

 

it illuminates

 

 

 

 

It has merit,

it illuminates,

and although it may not always seem that way,

there is a point to it.

Questions via Email: AA is letting me down, and if I go to the party I'm almost positive I'll drink

 

 

Hello,

With almost a year of sobriety, I am starting to hate AA and want to drink casually again. 

I have been unable to find employment this whole year (I've been a bartender forever and was scared to go back to it) so I've really immersed myself in meetings and the program. My year of "no major changes" included a parent passing away, problems with an ex, living with an active addict and finally moving to a safe new sober home in a smaller neighborhood with an AA community that I do not like. Their brand of sobriety seems less than sober.

I know I can't blame AA as a whole for what I am experiencing in this cross section of sobriety, BUT I am broke as a joke so I can't afford a metrocard to get to the meetings I do feel alive in... and my sponsor is giving me advice based on their experiences with drinking, which are different from my experiences.... so therefore sort of granting me excuses to think the program doesn't work, I'm not actually alcoholic, all I really need are Al Anon meetings, etc.

Bottom line is I am probably an alcoholic. I'm up to step 8 and I am so thankful I get to go somewhere that people share so openly and honestly about their life struggles. I love being able to connect with people and feel the beauty of what it means to understand. I love the gift of spirituality AA has given me and pray to my higher power constantly for direction and strength. However, my self esteem is at an all time low, I hate myself for not being able to "fit in" with the community here and I have no local sober friends that fulfill me.

What I do have is lots of old drinking buddies in this hood, and a birthday party next weekend. I am almost positive I will drink, I want to drink because I feel like AA is failing me. I have watched this program work in my life and give me small bits of hope, but I am just so miserable right now and I don't know what to do. They always say "I drank to feel good but then it stopped working", and right now I feel like AA is not working.

I always enjoy your advice, and I am feeling pretty desperate right now, so I figued it was worth a shot.

Thanks,

K

Dear K,

We're going to work backwards through the things you bring up in your email.

But first, I need your help with a little sketch I've put together, mmkay?

I will be playing the part of Mr. SponsorPants, a charming if quirky middle-aged recovering alcoholic, with a nice smile and a few crinkly laugh lines around the eyes but with very poor impulse control, a failing short term memory and a weakness for the theatrical gesture.

You will be playing the role of K, a down-on-their luck but plucky newcomer walking the finest of tightropes across the chasm of active alcoholism -- a chasm so deep and so dark that to compare it to the gaping maw of a sly, ravening beast would really not be too far off the mark.

Just read your lines, it's cool if the scene runs a little rough.  Ready?  Action!

Mr. SP:  Hey K.

K:  Oh, hi Mr. SP.  Where are you going?

Mr. SP:  I'm going to a birthday party.

K:  A birthday party you say?

Mr. SP:  Yes. A birthday party.

K:  Why that sounds like fun, Mr. SponsorPants!

Mr. SP:  Yeah, I suppose... but...

K:  But what?

Mr. SP:  Well, I am almost positive that if I go to the birthday party I am going to get shot in the head.

K:  WHAT?  Seriously?

Mr. SP:  Yeah. 

K: If you go to the birthday party you're going to get shot in the head.

Mr. SP:  Yeah.

K:  You are "almost positive" that if you go to this party...

Mr. SP:  Birthday Party.

K:  Ok, Birthday Party, that someone will pull out a gun and shoot you in the head.

Mr. SP:  Yeah.

K:  At the party you're going to get shot in the head.  Are you nucking futz?  Don't go to the party!

Mr. SP:  But I have to!  [insert long list of very important reasons why I have to go to the party here, woven through with a lot of absolutes and road-block thinking in which I mention every solution before you can and then shoot it down with hypothetical scenarios, finishing with a detailed description of how everyone will feel and what everyone will think if I don't go.]

K:  But you could die!  You're almost positive you'll die!

Mr. SP:  Yeah but [repeat above long list here, with only slight variations, the very repetition of it making it more real to me].

K:  Mr. SponsorPants.

Mr. SP:  What?

K:  I don't like to give advice, but... DON'T GO TO THE PARTY.

The End

I know, I know, it needs some work.  A little rough around the edges, and I think both our characters need more development.  And it's almost unbelievable to most people in the audience that my character would actually, really and truly be planning on going to the ...

you get it, right K? 

Your choice.  But the choice is not "go to the party or not."

The choice is what it always is when it comes to sobriety and alcoholism:

Choose to live or choose to die.

Part of the problem with the mental fog which engulfs an alcoholic's mind is that we convince ourselves that we deserve to drink because it will at least "make us feel better" for a little while, and we deserve to feel better because things are so bad. 

This is like saying "I'm overdrawn at the bank, and that makes me feel terrible.  To feel better I'm going to buy something really expensive, because I deserve to feel better."

Let me be blunt:  You feel shitty in part because your life looks shitty to you.  You have successfully devalued one of the most important esteem-building things you have going for you -- your sobriety -- and begun to tell yourself that you are able to drink socially.  I have no idea if you can or you can't.  Did you before?  Did you have a great track record of being able to both control and enjoy your drinking?  In other words, when you drink you are able to hold the line at "only three" and/or stop abruptly (that means leave half a glass) on the bar without batting an eye?  Let me tell you, I can leave half a glass of chocolate milk sitting on the counter and walk away with virtually no twinge.  Vodka?  Once I've had half a glass?  Not a chance.  If, trying to hold the line because of some promise to myself or someone else, I did walk away, it would be an act of incredible will, and I would not rest easy, and my mind would be chattering away, spitting out rationalizations and justifications at light speed.

(It would start with "You know, if you look at the glass just right, that's really a little bit more than half still left in the glass.  You can have another sip anyway."  And then going on to something like "Oh, damn.  That's less than half a glass now.  Tell you what, finish this one and we'll stop at exactly half on the next one."  Or some other ridiculous rationalization which written out here sounds patently nuts but in my head is perfectly logical.  Because I'm an alcoholic.)

I am not here to convince you that you are an alcoholic.  But I'd like to point out that you seem to be putting a fair amount of energy into convincing yourself that you're NOT one -- and that's ... kind of alcoholic.

And isn't it interesting that coming up on a year for you the desire to drink keeps getting stronger?  It's almost as if some part of you is actively trying to sabotage you making it to a year sober.  Hmmm...

Now, as for your sponsor giving you advice that is "different from my experiences drinking..."  (which is a neat loophole you've whittled out for not trying the advice very much, yes?  When your sponsor makes a suggestion, does it look something like this in your head?  "Since they don't really 'get' me or how I drank, this advice won't really work for me..." or "Well, I tried it once but not much really happened... I knew that wouldn't work."  If it does look like that in your head then, good job!  You've found the two most common mental quirks for justifying not really taking action on sponsor suggestions!  Well done!)

I don't know how you drank, or if we drank the same or vastly differently, but I'm going to make some suggestons for you based on my experience with alcoholism and trying to stay sober -- which means that it doesn't really matter whether we drank alike or not.

Tell your sponsor what's going on in your head.  If you've done that, keep doing it.

When you feel like a suggestion doesn't fit you, say this (write it down if you have to):

"I'm having a hard time seeing how that will help, can you please explain a little more?"

Then, after they do, you can say one of either of the two following things:

"It still doesn't make complete sense, but I commit to really trying to do that consistently."

Or

"That makes more sense.  I commit to really trying to do that consistently." 

If none of that seems like a fit, try to find another sponsor.  Fast.  But I bet you anything the problem is far less that you didn't drink the same (whatever that really means) and far more about consistent action.

Now, as for the rest of your email... it kind of boils down to the following:

• I'm broke and I don't feel good about myself and I can't find a job not bartending so I should drink.
• The only job I could really do is bartending, so I should drink.
• Even though AA has given me some unbelievable, incredible experiences I should do the very thing which will make me feel more distant from it and make my head noisier and give me a lot of reasons to pull away -- from believing people are judging me to feeling guilty and/or embarrassed.
• I don't like anyone here -- there is absolutely no one around who measures up to my standards of how they should behave, so I'm going to drink.
• There are people around that I used to drink with, so I'm going to drink.
  
• I have problems, so what I'm going to do is try to forget them for a little while by creating another problem -- I'm going to drink.

I have to say, K, I think that's a pretty fair distillation of some of your logic, and candidly, that's... pretty troubling.

You are on the razor's edge. 49.51% of you wants to be sober.  And it's not that 49.49% of you wants to drink -- it's that 49.49% of you has already decided to.   In that infinitesimally tiny sliver between those two places there is something you need to find.

And that something is a Power Greater than yourself.

You "pray constantly for direction and strength." I believe you.  My experience though, when I am in Real Trouble (and you, my friend are in Real Trouble) is that I have a picture in my head of what the help I need is supposed to look like, and I reject any other help.  And anything I can do to help me be stronger I pull away from, because it's not what I want to do.  Basically, I only want to do things I want to do; and what I am actually praying for -- and I don't even know it -- is for God to "send me" things that I want to do that will also help me in the way I want to be helped.

One of the most dangerous times in my first year sober was when I started slacking off on some of the most basic things I had done at the beginning:  Meetings, writing, praying, calling my sponsor, calling other alcoholics, being of service... I'd already done them, so I didn't really feel very motivated to keep doing them.  K, take a tough look at what you are doing -- not what you think you are doing, not what you talk about doing, not what you promise to do, not what you used to do -- what are you doing today to stay sober.  And against the challenges you face, is what you are doing enough?  When the shit hits the fan, I need to do more, not less -- which is pretty much the opposite of what I want to do.  (Whether you're metaphorically standing there throwing shit at the fan is a whole other question).

K, you were high on AA, and now that you're not high on AA and you feel shitty about your life you feel like AA doesn't work anymore. 

But AA isn't about feeling great about your life all the time.  I understand why you sort of unconsciously made that leap -- a lot of people do.  I did.  AA is about how to deal with a mind which wants you to drink and uses shitty times as a good reason to (of course it will also use great times as a good reason to drink, but let's get you to those great times first before we wrestle that one to the ground).  AA is about developing habits which keep the noise in my head to a minimum volume.  It's about checking my perspective so that I don't convince myself that things which actually have nothing to do with me have something to do with me.

And at it's most basic level, I do that by doing things I don't want to do -- following AA's simple suggestions and a sponsor's direction, mostly -- instead of coming up with reasons not to.

It's about being of service to other people in AA (and out) whether I like them or not and whether I feel like it or not.  And whether I get acknowledged for doing so in the way I think I should or not.  (I know.  Blech, right?)

When I do those things, that infinitesimally tiny sliver between the part of me that wants to stay sober and the part of me which has already decided to drink is somehow transformed into an impenetrable alloy made of equal parts Something Else and me, and I can hold the line till the percentages change.

If you were sober in AA and if you had a child and (God forbid) something terrible happened to your child, you would be out of your mind with rage or grief or sorrow.  But that wouldn't mean AA had let you down.  Of course you would feel that way in response to such a thing.

What AA does for people is help us cope with terrible and hard things, not protect us from them.

AA isn't letting you down.

Life is hard now, that's all.

 

At the heart of many newcomers' problems with Alcoholics Anonymous is this:

"I'm 'doing' AA, why aren't things going my way?"

I'm afraid that's not exactly how it works.

If I'm on a 12th Step call and I park illegally I will still get a parking ticket.  "Doing AA" does not shield me from the consequences of my decisions or the ways of the world.

You are scared and broke and frustrated and with a little less than a year sober the "shiny new" has worn off of meetings and people and the program, and you want to feel better again.  

And you will.  This too shall pass.

But as you know, there's the two kinds of feeling better...

The one that lasts for about ninety minutes after the first bunch of drinks, or the one in sobriety -- the one which is a lot slower and more subtle, but reaches deep and keeps growing. 

Keep praying.  Lean into contrary action.  Keep listening and looking for help from your Higher Power -- and open up to the idea that it's not gonna look like you might want it to.

And don't go to that god damned birthday party.  Even if it's for you.

Sure it's dramatic to say, but if you drink it might be the last one you go to.

Maybe not -- but I'm pretty sure that every single person I've ever known who died drunk or OD'd didn't think they'd die that time either.

If you've stayed sober for almost a year, you have almost a year's worth of staying sober One Day at a Time.  All you have to do is stay sober today.  That's it.

Piece of cake.

Just not birthday cake.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants