Mr. SponsorPants

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

A personal milestone this weekend:  My natal birthday.  One of "Those" Numbers.  Having been in AA for a long time now I've seen enough people die younger than they ought to feel that it drifts into sacrilege if I bemoan getting older.  But as I've written here before, milestones have an effect on us; at the very least they trigger no little bit of reflection.  This year, more than others, I've been thoughtful and (to be honest) a little upside down about the whole thing -- more vulnerable to looking at the distances between where I seem to be and where I thought I might be, in all arenas.  If expectations are my dreams with a deadline and a specific self-will-driven outcome, the dreams themselves are good things; part of the human experience and maybe even sometimes Divinely Inspired. 

(Though it is a delicate balance between compassionate self examination and maudlin self reflection.  This I know for sure.)

With all that said, I thought, wrote and prayed a lot today.  This is what I came up with:

 

If I have any strength at all, it is because I have admitted -- and embraced -- the depth of my weakness.

If fear rarely holds me back now, it is because I have grown familiar with its clammy fist around my heart, learned to name it for the illusion that it is, and to see past it to the ongoing truth of God's gentle Hand at work in my life.

If I have any wisdom at all, it is because I have sometimes been so very (very) foolish, and then been as honest as I could be about my ham-handed egotistical clowning with the people whom I trust and can learn from.

And if I have any real joy in my life today, it is because AA has taught me how utterly, ultimately useless it is to focus overmuch on myself (my petty score keeping and my vain advertising-slogan-based self judgments), and instead to constantly look for ways I can be of service to others, and continue to seek a conscious contact with a Power -- so far beyond my limited understanding -- Greater than myself.

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series. The "sometimes it's hard" edition

 

Sometimes it's hard to stop keeping score.  But when I do I always find I am happier for it.

 

Sometimes it's hard to set aside my previous negative feelings towards a person and view them with an open heart.  Frankly, sometimes it's very hard.  And I'm not talking about some serious, intense, dramatic situation in which I rightly feel wronged.  Oh no.  It's the petty, bitchy, out-of-patience-with-someone judgmentalism that I refer to here.  It requires a conscious act of will -- and a heartfelt appeal to God -- for me to consistently set those negative feelings aside.

 

Sometimes it's hard not to refrain from bargaining with God.  Especially since I'm usually trying to get something for nothing... or claim a reward for just doing the right thing.  (Or for almost doing the right thing!)

 

Sometimes it's hard to do Life on Life's terms.  But the idea that there is any other way to do it is either an illusion or an alcoholic fantasy.

 

Sometimes it's hard to remember I have ample proof that God has a hand in everything in my life.  Everything.  (And thus I can dispense with the exhaustive cataloging of "this is a good thing that is happening to me" vs. "this is a bad thing that is happening to me."  Things may be challenging or uncomfortable or frightening, but if God has a hand in it then it's the right thing for me to go through.  And sometimes it's hard to fully embrace that.  Though my life is replete with after-the-fact evidence of its truth.)

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

One definition of serenity is to be at peace with un-answered questions.  Some days, that state is *just* out of reach for me.  But prayer can bridge that distance. (If, in the moment, I remember to pray, damnit!)

 

There is not only power to be found by being in the moment, but peace as well.

 

Sometimes it is the knowledge that I will have to make amends to a particular person which prevents me from taking certain actions.  For me, this a completely valid form of behavior modification.

 

You can try and talk yourself out of it.  You can doubt or diminish or deny, but the fact is, if at any time you've had a real spiritual experience -- a moment where some benevolent Something touched you, or spoke to you, or steered you clear of the rocks -- and you have -- then you know there is more to this life than the petty contest you keep trying to turn it into.  With Ego's endless scorekeeping, Fear's constant thwarting wail and King Baby's red-faced tantrums and ultimatums, you can forgive yourself for how easily you lose that knowledge.  But you've had that experience, so you know a Great Something True; and if you can remember it, even a little bit, in the midst of all the Ego/Fear/King Baby bullshit, then you'll never completely lose sight of what's important.  (I took a few minutes at work today and wrote that to myself and it was of no little help in the moment, so I thought sharing it here seemed appropriate.)

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

There is no fear, no frustration, no regret, no sadness, which cannot be at least somewhat reduced by sharing it in a meeting.

 

Sometimes when I share in a meeting I might be a help to someone, or perhaps a comfort, or even occasionally an inspiration.  Undoubtedly other times I am quite possibly a horrible warning, a cautionary tale or even a profound example of untreated alcoholism -- being "dry" but not "sober."  Regardless, it's none of my business what others might think; be it well or ill.  It is my business to share as truthfully as possible, and leave the rest up to The Universe.

 

Sometimes my only job in the meeting is to sit there and keep my eyes open for the next person I'm supposed to offer to help.  (At first I wrote "supposed to help" but that sounds both aggressive and arrogant -- I think it is much more true to the spirit of AA to say that I offer to help.  If someone wants it, that's fine; if they don't, that's fine too.  Ultimately I'm just supposed to be willing to help and available to do so -- that's pretty much it.)

 

To quote the famous gal who first said it:  What other people think of me is none of my business.  Took me a while to fully understand that one, I must admit -- and it has taken even longer to live it -- still backslide a little once in a while, but there's been phenomenal progress overall.  (If it troubles you too, be patient.  Progress comes.)

 

 

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

It is possible -- even easy -- to take a perfectly good day and ruin it, through the power of your own mind and its lousy, stinking thinking. 

 

The likelihood of this happening (or not) for me is in direct proportion to the amount of AA meetings I have been to in a week.

 

The quality of Willingness is like a muscle; without use it atrophies.

 

Some people are so determined to be victims that if no one around is victimizing them they will create a completely fictitious scenario in their mind which allows them to feel victimized.  One of the most important things to consider about this is that, since, by necessity, they are blind to this mechanism at work, it is possible (perhaps even likely?) that there are dysfunctional mechanisms at work within any of us me which we I are am also completely blind to, and which create wholly fictitious scenarios to validate a personal, dysfunctional script/identity.

 

Again, the likelihood of this happening (or not) to me is in direct proportion to the amount of AA meetings I have been to in a week.

 

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series. "I do not"

 

 

I do not use my will (that is, my mind, my willpower, my thought, my determination) to "not drink."  I use my will to choose to do the work (that is, the 12 Steps, and in general AA's suggestions for how to live) so that a spiritual experience is created (a "psychic upheaval" as Jung called it) so that I am free from the desire/obsession/compulsion to drink.  More simply put:  I use my will to say "yes" to AA, which is not really the same as using it to say "no" to drinking -- that's just the result of my AA yes. 

 

I do not use faith as a way to understand the world.  I use faith as a way to accept the world as it is -- which is not the same as agreeing with something I don't like, or deciding not to do something about it.  Acceptance does not necessarily equal passivity for me -- it is the way I can stop railing in my mind about how things should be and get clear and calm (or at least, more calm) so that if need be I can actually take action.

 

I do not tell stories about my drinking when I speak at a meeting so that there is glorification -- I tell stories about what it was like when I drank so that there is identification.

 

I do not sponsor people so that they stay sober.  I sponsor people so that I stay sober.

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series. A little bit about being powerless vs. being helpless

 

 

Powerless is not the same thing as "Helpless."  And after you've been sober for a while, fully embracing the idea that you are indeed powerless over your addiction, saying "I'm powerless over [other thing/issue/defect]" is really now a call to action -- since you know what to do.  You have the road map.  You know how to utilize the help available to deal with whatever else you may think you're powerless over.  If you just wander around and say "I'm powerless over X" all the time, you're just basically using it as an excuse.

And with that said, it can take me a while to go from "admitting I'm powerless" to "willing to do something about it."

Or, to put it another way, I'm inordinately fond of making excuses.

And of using the language of recovery to pad them out into nice, defensible positions.

Or, to put it yet another way, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles."

But to put it yet another another way, I don't think I've ever effected any real and substantive change in my behavior by yelling at myself about getting into action or being powerless.

Yet a good, direct, no-bones-about-it, spine-stiffening self-talking-to?  That's not the same as "yelling at myself" -- and sometimes is absolutely the critical ingredient in self-honesty -- which leads me to willingness, and eventually to utilizing the help -- that "simple kit of spiritual tools" -- to address the other things I may find I'm powerless over, once I'm sober.

And-or-and-or-but-yet... I'm out of coordinating conjunctions.

Thank God.

 

Cheers!

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

Heard this in a meeting tonight:  If it's not love, it's not God.  To which I surprised myself (and startled a few people around me) by murmuring "Amen."

 

Compassion is a very different thing than pity.  The former contains love, the latter, perhaps a bit of arrogance -- so if I'm feeling pity instead of compassion (and I grant you, it can be an exercise in navel gazing to get too entangled in sorting them out, but still, it's worth considering) then I should check myself.

 

Giving love, in the form of sincere kindness, is such a powerful healing force for the giver that it actually does not matter how it is received when offered.

 

Gratitude is a form of prayer -- sometimes for me the most enlightened one.

 

In some circumstances the best suggestion is one I used to hear quite often in meetings when I was newly sober:  Drop the rock. (The weren't talking to me of course... just people I was standing near.  I'm sure of it.)

 

Eleanor Roosevelt was famous for saying that "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."  I thing a recovered riff on that is "Nothing can make you feel ungrateful without your participation."

 

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

A person can have well over thirty years of sobriety and still be a self-important windbag who uses passive/aggressive verbal judo to disarm objections before they can be offered struggle terribly with ego and self-centeredness, as we all do.

 

The flip side of someone with a good amount of time sober using that to bolster their ego and justify questionable behavior is the expectation others in AA might have of someone with time sober to be "farther along" than they are.  I've said it many times and written about it here before:  If, on a scale of 1 to 10 -- 10 being super healthy and recovered -- when I got to AA I was at -794 on a particular issue, and now I am at -32, that represents a whole lot of hard work in recovery -- years worth, in fact.  But in no way is -32 even close to being healthy on that issue -- and as I parade around in my life at -32 (hopefully still working hard to move somewhere onto the scale of 1 to 10) I'm not going to be so easy to deal with or behave very well sometimes, even though I've made tremendous progress over the course of my sobriety.

 

Further, if one is aware of the tremendous progress they've made, then it is all too easy to use that awareness to stop doing the hard work the recovery process demands, and as the old expression goes, rest on our laurels, rather than go the distance.

 

Thus, I am reminded of this:

 

 

 

Things I learned (or was reminded of) this week. An ongoing series.

 

 

 

Never underestimate how much being in H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) can mess you up.  If I'm in just one of them I'm off my game.  Two and I am prone to make poorer decisions.  In any three and I should keep my damn mouth shut.  All four?  If I'm in all four then it's not an acronym it's an instruction.

 

The less I keep score, the happier I am.

 

A character asset with the volume turned up too high has probably morphed into a character defect.

 

Prestige is not self esteem.

 

Humility is not about being less, it's about being right-sized.

 

What I think the problem is often is not what the problem actually is.  That's okay, though, since the solution is spiritual anyway, whether to the problem I think I have or to the problem that it actually is.

 

Dancing around your living room to old Motown will always make you feel better.