Mr. SponsorPants

a practical element in the application of Steps 6 & 7

 

 

 

Although in Step 7 I ask God (as I understand God) to "remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness [to God] and my fellows..." this does not mean I am passive in the process.  For me, I am a partner with the Divine in creating these changes.

"As the day goes on..." Life saving (literally) practical advice from the Step Eleven

 

 

As the day goes on, we can pause where situations must be met and decisions made, and renew the simple request: "Thy will, not mine, be done."  If at these points our emotional disturbance happens to be great, we will more surely keep our balance, provided we remember, and repeat to ourselves, a particular prayer or phrase that has appealed to us in our reading or meditation.  Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, in the moment of stress.  At these critical moments, if we remind ourselves that "it is better to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved," we will be following the intent of Step Eleven.

 

-- "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions"  (AA's 12 & 12) pg. 103

 

to keep people from seeing

Just

because

you

know

a lot

about

sex

doesn't

mean

you know

anything

about

intimacy.

 

In fact, for me, one of the things I learned in the sexual inventory of my 4th Step was how I used sex to avoid intimacy -- in other words, to keep people from seeing Me.

And to keep me from seeing Me, too.

In my experience, when it comes to how alcoholism takes good, healthy things and twists them to its own service in a never-ending drive to isolate the alcoholic, physical intimacy is not about closeness or truth -- or even fun, really.  It's about walls or masks.

 

 

One of the nicest things about the 10th Step

 

 

One of the nicest things about the 10th Step for me (Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it) is that after I learned how to promptly admit when I am, I learned how to not admit when in fact I'm not.

In other words, I used to admit I was wrong to diffuse a situation, or to avoid confrontation, or to placate, or in a passive-aggressive feint to try and manipulate the other person into admitting they're wrong. (twisted!)

But once I began admitting when I was really wrong, the not-reallly-wrong's admission didn't fit me anymore.  Various stressers would occur and the coping mechanism would kick in and I would have the impulse to admit/apologize, but a little voice (that infamous, ubiquitous little voice) would sort of pipe up and go, "Hey! Waitaminute!"

There were -- there are -- plenty of times when I was/still am wrong.

Yet I find that after practicing these principles in all my affairs to the best of my ability, there are now a good number of occasions when I'm not.  At one time it was the easiest thing in the world to take blame and apologize for things I didn't do -- but the funny thing is, after you experience how clean it feels to admit when you're truly in the wrong it actually feels dirty to admit you're wrong when it looks like you're not.

Thanks to inventory work I'm healthier than that today.

(Well, most days.)

We say "work the Steps" and it can sound daunting -- but the experience of many, many people in recovery is that if you stay the course it is worth it in ways you can't see from wherever you're currently standing.

 

Cheers!

Questions via Email: Amends - Will telling someone I gossiped about them cause more harm?

 

Mr. Sponsor pants,

So I have a tendency to vent when things get frustrating at work and then feel as though I have gossiped and talked behind the person's back.  Do I owe them an amends for that?  Would bringing that up not bring more harm?

Thanks,

B

Dear B,

First, let's get everybody up to speed.  For the new kids, here is the Step which deals with amends:

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Huh, ok. Pretty straightforward.  But which "such people"?  To get clear on that, we have to look at Step 8:

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Okay, so you're right on the money with your question and what the Steps suggest, B.  You are wondering if you've caused harm, you're willing to make the amends if you have, but you're wary of causing more harm if you talk about what you've done.

Well certainly if you go up to Suzy Creamcheese and tell her that because she's always late with the Widgets Report you get frustrated, and then talk about it with Penelope down in Supplies and Acquisitions, you will cause harm to yourself.  Since Suzy, even if she is gracious about it, will not look at you the same way, and the next time there's a deadline for a report on Widgits there will be a bit of a charge in the air, that's for sure.

Unfortunately, harm to ourselves is not a criteria we use to determine whether direct ammends are warranted.  (And I wouldn't be the first alcoholic in recovery to sigh and murmur, "would that it were.")  But of course it is the pain (embarrassment) we sometimes feel when making the direct amends which helps us to change our behavior in the future.

(And it is with chagrin I report that sometimes I have not done something because I have looked at the person I would have to make direct amends to and thought, "Oh, HELL no.  I am not willing to make direct amends to that ... Great Spiritual Teacher of mine."  Which is of course the punch line, since then they really are great spiritual teachers for me.)

But I want to say here that I agree with your concern.  Even though it will make you look bad, it will potentially harm Ms. Creamcheese, since your admission will make the workplace less safe.  And if you do determine that your amends includes talking to Suzy, then you need to leave Penelope out of it.  The amends to Suzy would begin with "I'm sorry, but I have been gossiping about you." not "I'm sorry, but I have been gossiping about you with Penelope." 

And an amends is hardly just a confession of sorts.  Nor is it just an apology.  It is a sincere attempt to make things right.  To balance the scales.  (Which sadly, does not mean you get to dish the dirt on Penelope and her most recent peccadillo with Mortimer over in Accounts Payable to Suze.  That's not the kind of balancing the scales AA suggests.)

Whether you speak to the person you gossiped about or not, the real focus of this amends is about committing not to gossip anymore.  We right a wrong and we change our behavior (hello Steps 6, 7 & 10).

There is an inherent free pass alcoholics love to give ourselves (all people do it, but we're Master Class at it) -- the logic goes like this:  When I get frustrated, then I gossip.  When I get scared, then I lie.  When I feel neglected then I cheat.  It's like we go from explanation of why something happens to pre-approval that, under certain conditions it's going to happen.  (And is it crazy to suggest that then, at some level we create the condition which permits this behavior because we get something else out of doing it?  No, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, no, I say it is not at all crazy to suggest that! >bangs hand upon the table<  Sorry, I've been talking to a young woman at work about her reading assignment, "To Kill A Mocking Bird" and now we're all talking like lawyers in old movies as we work, so apparently its seeping into my writing.  Just be glad you can't see me.  The other day I declared it was Modern Dance Day at work, and everyone had to find a way to either point their toes or use jazz hands while they were helping Guests.  Such is the way I fight drudgery and counteract mean customers and cutbacks in staffing levels.  But as usual, I digress.)

I suspect that the amount of harm you may already have caused is dependant on the kind of gossip you indulged in.  If you were just being a bitchy little weasel, dissing Ms. Creamcheese for her general lack of getting things to you on time (or whatever) then maybe not.  But if what you were saying or whom you were saying it to could have a real, substantive impact on someone's future at work then that is something more serious, and you should give careful consideration to how to make that right.

It's hard to give you one clear suggestion without details to weigh potential harm against the context of what was said and to whom, and greater harm(s) which could follow; but you are right, I think some harm -- mental and emotional harm -- will come to the person you gossiped about if you tell them what you did (regularly do?).

The other thing about gossip in general -- and it's the thing people who gossip chronically never seem to realize -- is that you make the world (or work, or the AA meeting, or whatever) more hostile and less safe for yourself when you gossip, since when you feel vulnerable or are afraid or have to take a risk when saying something in a group it's all too easy to focus on the idea that people will talk -- and not in a nice way.  It's real for you because you live in it.  People who don't gossip are generally far less concerned about the idea that people might. 

I guess the lesser known AA adage, "when in doubt, do nothing" might be the best course for the moment -- so long as that's not an excuse -- and only you can answer that by looking inside.

Regardless, in my experience it is these small, petty, mean-spirited behaviors which I can indulge in that thwart my ongoing spiritual growth -- and that's nothing to be dismissive about since the Big Book suggests -- and I believe -- that people drink because they fail to enlarge their spiritual lives -- and this is exactly the kind of behavior which works against that healthy growth.  I suspect just from your brief email and your understanding of the Steps that you are in general a better person than this, that you have some genuine remorse and some real concern about this behavior.  That's good.  Armed with those things, willingness and some spiritual assistance you can absolutely make the right decision about this particular amends and also work to make a significant change in how you deal with the need to vent.

When the impulse to gossip comes up in me I try to remember the Eleanor Roosevelt quote:

Stings a little, doesn't it.

That's good.  It should.

Pain is the touchstone of our spiritual growth.

Get busy.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

... I did find myself wanting to shout at the screen for a minute.

 

 

A character on a television show I just watched (thanks, internet!) had gotten sober and gone to AA "offscreen."  (He is a very minor character on the show.) 

The running gag in this episode was his attempt to "do his Step 9" with people at work.  He would apologize with grave sincerity for ridiculously trivial things, or tell people things they didn't need to or want to hear, the apology apparently constituting the sum total of his Step 9: "I need to say I'm sorry for my recovery." (Though to be fair, later in the episode, he briefly mentioned accepting the consequences of his actions).

I will be the very first to admit I am likely a little sensitive to how AA and the 12 Steps are generally portrayed in modern film and television.  Over the course of this show's run 12 Step things have snuck in around the edges, so a producer or head writer or some such is probably in one 12 Step Program or another.

But I did find myself wanting to shout at the screen for a minute.

"It's not about apologizing!  It's about making things right!  It's about restitution!  It's not about forcing your amends process onto anyone who doesn't want it!"

As I said, it was a minor character, and so I understand they had limited time in any given scene to explain what he was doing on the way to setting up a punchline.

And I can even believe that it was a well intentioned inclusion in the story... but dear god that makes me nuts sometimes.  I would wager that, right after the whole "it's a religious program" thing, believing that Step 9 is just about saying "I'm sorry" is the most common misconception regarding all things 12 Step.

It's not just about saying "I'm sorry" -- though certainly that's often one appropriate thing to be done.  It's about righting the wrong, balancing the ledger, owning the damage we did in whatever form and making whatever restitution we can.

And it's not so we can be "good" people -- that's just sort of an accidental, occasional result.  It's so we are relieved of the things like guilt or arrogance or shame or denial which, left inside us, fester and poison us.

An apology can offer relief from a guilty conscience, that's certainly true; but an amends offers freedom from sickness, and heals a tormented spirit.

 

Questions via Email: Part 2 - The Steps seem strange to a logical thinker

 

From J's question yesterday:

"These Steps seem so strange to a logical thinker like myself.  Can you share anything that might help me?"

 

Well J, there's much discussion in Chapter 4 of the Big Book titled "We Agnostics" about logic and faith, but let's address instead the very specific problem you describe:  A rational reluctance to the 12 Steps.

Frankly my friend I suspect, for whatever reason, you're probably over thinking it.

I have found that considering the first 3 Steps with slightly different wording can help people experience them with fewer filters.  I am NOT trying to reinvent the 12 Steps (for me they are perfect as is).  This is simply how I first found a way to embrace Steps 1, 2 and 3:

 There's something wrong with my drinking and it's fucking up my life, and although I keep telling myself I'm going to get it together I just keep... not getting it together. 

And things keep getting worse.

It's actually crazy that on the one hand I want so very badly to get it together and then on the other hand I just... don't care.  Or I just change my mind.  Or I forget. 

But I believe there's something in AA that can help me.

So I'm going to do what AA suggests -- all of it.

 

That's it, basically.  I admit I have a problem I can't solve on my own. It's getting worse.  I think AA can help, so I'll do the AA deal.  Steps 1, 2 and 3.

Actually, if you want to deconstruct the Steps from a logic standpoint -- and the Big Book too, for that matter -- that's pretty much the rhythm of the whole thing:  Problem.  Solution.  Plan of Action.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

(And as far as the above is concerned, I could define "wrong" pretty clinically, but I think if you're really a problem drinker you get how right the word "wrong" is. )

As for the rest of the 12 Steps, I'm going to suggest to you, J, something that I heard in maybe my first week of sobriety, and it served me well:

Balk at the Step you're on.

Don't get your kippers in a clip about all the rest.  If you have had a problem getting and staying sober, then in my humble opinion you are best served by focusing on the first three steps, and the timing for the others will fall into place pretty gracefully after that.

As I said before, I can tell from your email you have a great attitude and you're willing -- keep those fires stoked, keep an open mind, and keep coming back.

 

Mr. SponsorPants

If I stay resentful at someone then I've defined them

 

 Is it possible that sometimes we cling to a resentment so we can keep someone neatly labeled, rather than consider them from another point of view?

If I stay resentful at someone then I've defined them -- as the villain or the perpetrator or the bully or the thief or whatever -- and I can avoid the hard work of having an open mind, of considering what their illness or issue might have been (or might still be).

And then I can subtly minimize my part in the equation, postpone or avoid taking the full responsibility for my proverbial side of the street when I have one (as I so often, often do).  In my heart I can slow the inventory-driven recovery process down, quietly whispering in my head "yes but they blah blah blah" every time I consider my part in something.

 

It's much less work to stay closed off in anger rather than open myself to seeing those who wronged me as fellow sufferers, or even, with Divine help, see them through eyes of love.

That's why I try to remember that the first thing the Big Book suggests I do in writing an inventory (the dreaded 4th Step) is not to pick up the pen and make a list of the people, institutions, etc. I resent -- no, the first thing I'm instructed to do is try to view those who I believe have wronged me as spiritually sick themselves.

Letting go of resentment is not just about taking responsibility for our part in things -- though that is essential -- it is about compassion, too.

and that is a role, in fact, I feel it is a privilege to have

ring

ring

ring

ME:  Hello?

SPONSEE:  hi.

ME:  Well that sounds a bit subdued.  What's up?

SPONSEE:  I'm kind of freaking out about tomorrow.

"Tomorrow" was when they were going to do their 5th Step with me -- for the new kids, this means that they had written an inventory of their resentments, sex conduct and fears, and that inventory was their 4th Step.  Reading the inventory to another person is the 5th Step.  They had done one 4th and 5th Step before, with a previous sponsor, and they had been quite thorough -- but as is often the case, "more will be revealed" and their reports of how the inventory writing was going this time around indicated a lot of deep dark stuff was being dredged from the depths.

SPONSEE:  Freaking out and... and I'm... I'm arguing with you in my head.

ME:  You are?  Cool!  How am I doing?  Am I winning?

They laughed a little, then sighed.

SPONSEE:  Actually, you're kind of mean.

ME:  Mean?  Wow.  That's a little out of character, I think... I hope, anyway.

SPONSEE:  I'm just ... I'm just really freaking out about reading you this stuff.  I'm just imagining you saying all kinds of...

ME:  Okay, stop.  Listen.  I am not there to endorse or condemn.  I am there to witness, and offer my experience if you want it and some insight if you feel its needed.  That's it.  I'm a witness to your process -- and that is a role, in fact, I feel it is a privilege to have.  The 5th Step says, "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being..." it does not say "... another human being who will, like that one unfair judge at the Olympics, always give you a bad score even though everyone agrees you totally stuck the dismount."

They laughed.

SPONSEE:  Okay.  Okay.  That... that helps.

ME:  Good.  Honestly, remember, whatever you read me will always stay between you and me, and for the most part I am just there to witness.  If I can and it's needful, maybe I'll offer some thoughts or help you fill in some blanks.  NO judgment.  Just tell the mean me in your head to shut up.  No, wait.  Tell him I might need him some time when I'm negotiating a good deal on a car, but he needs to just shut the hell up when it comes to the Steps.  Okay?

SPONSEE:  Okay.

ME:  See you tomorrow?

SPONSEE:  See you tomorrow.

And they did.

 

Questions via Email: Quickies

Didn't want to fall too far behind with emails, hence these "Quickies" from the inbox.  For those of you who recognize your question in my brief summary of what you wrote, but feel I did not grasp the heart of what you were asking, please accept my apologies and write again so I can get it right.  Cheers!

__________________________________________________

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I am very new to AA, and when people share about their sponsor sometimes it sounds like everything from a therapist to a life coach.  What does a sponsor actually do?

A sponsor should take you through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and in general help you apply AA's principles to your life on a daily basis -- not because it makes you a "good" moral person -- but because when we don't live that way we tend to snap, and drink again.  A sponsor is most definitely NOT a therapist or a life coach although I understand why you might draw those comparisons.  A sponsor is a sounding board, a person to check in with when life hands you the inevitable forks in the road, a resource for AA experience and direction.  (AA's direction, not their personal brainstorm, exactly.)  By sponsoring people the sponsor stays sober, so you are helping them as much -- if not more -- than they may be helping you, so please remember that.  There is no debt incurred on the part of a sponsee towards their sponsor in any way, although often gratitude and real affection develop over time. But that's not a debt.  A sponsor is not qualified to give medical advice or financial counsel outside of how AA suggests one approach those issues -- which boils down to seeking the appropriate professionals and being honest with them about whatever issues you may have which brought you to them in the first place.  Ideally a sponsor shares their sober experience and support over time, hopefully setting an example, not "giving instructions."  As there is no debt, you can change sponsors at any time.

In the book "Living Sober" there is a whole chapter which talks about sponsorship, and there is a (free!) brochure called "Questions and Answers on Sponsorship" which you should be able to find at most AA meetings, or if not at your AA Central Office, the location of which you should be able to find online if no one you ask can give you clear directions as to how to find it.  No doubt you could contact any number of AA resources online and someone would send it to you, too.  I STRONGLY suggest that you read those to get more clarification on sponsorship.

____________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

The other day [Mr. SP edit: this post] you talked about "partnering" with God to help get rid of character defects, as in Steps 6 & 7.  I'm a little confused by that.  I thought in Step 7 the point was that we were asking God to remove our defects/shortcomings.  Can you explain what you mean about "partnering"?

The 12 Steps are a process, the primary result of which is a spiritual experience which allows alcoholics and addicts to remain clean and sober in a state of Grace, without the kind of clenched mental anguish and gritted teeth which most would call "white knuckling it" -- and which does not have a great track record among real alcoholics when it comes to staying sober for the long haul.  (There is, of course, much more to be said about what a spiritual experience is and can achieve, but let's keep it to basics for a moment.) 

Back when we took Step 3 ("Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.") we agreed that from that point forward, God was the Boss, we were the gopher ("... God was going to be our Director.  He is the Principal; we are His agents...").  So while I ask God to remove my character defects, I don't get to sit back and not do anything (I wish!) simply waiting for God to magically make me defect-free.  I am a part of the process -- on my better days, a willing part, on my worser days, a grudging part -- but part of it nonetheless. 

_______________________________________________

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What's the deal with 13th Stepping newcomers?

13th Stepping?  I vote No.  (A brief definition of 13th Stepping would be using AA as a way to hit on people, newcomers in particular.  There's nothing wrong with hitting on people, it's the deceit  and/or the potentially taking advantage of those who are not entirely "on their game" -- vulnerable -- that is the "wrong" part.)

More on sex and newcomers to AA here.  

__________________________________________________

Hope some of that is helpful!

Once again, cheers!