Mr. SponsorPants

still clumsy on the little touchscreen keypad

 

 

 

I was texting a sponsee and my fingers, clumsy still on the little touchscreen keypad, missed a letter.

I'd meant to type:  "It's all good."

But instead I typed:  "It's all god."

I thought for a moment and shrugged.

Either one, right?

 

 

...and then they said that thing I hate

 

 

SPONSEE: ... and then they said that thing I hate.

Mr. SponsorPants: That thing you...?  Ooooh.  You mean...

SPONSEE: Yeah. 'Don't drink No Matter What.'  It sounded so smarmy and bullshit to me.  I swear, I could hear them capitalize it.  Sometimes the AA sayings make me want to...

Mr. SP:  It's funny.

SPONSEE:  What, that I hate that?

Mr. SP: Well not funny Ha-ha.  It's just that, when I was new, that really helped me.

SPONSEE:  Really?  It did? 

Mr. SP:  Yeah.  I used to say it out loud to myself.  Looking in the mirror.  Or driving.  I think I said it out loud a lot in the car, for some reason:  'I don't drink no matter what.'  And then I would list all the 'no matter what's' I could think of.

SPONSEE:  Wait, a car?

Mr. SP:  Yeah.

SPONSEE:  I thought you got sober when people were riding around on dinosaurs or something.

Mr. SP:  I did.  At my first meeting, they didn't give out Welcome Chips, they gave me a Welcome Flint Arrow Head.

SPONSEE:  D'oh! That was pretty good.  I thought you were going to say 'fire.'

Mr. SP:  I used that one already.

SPONSEE:  Like what were all the 'no matter what's' you would say?

Mr. SP:  I used to say to myself (a lot) 'I don't drink no matter what.  No matter how angry or frightened or lonely or bored or horny or frightened or how expensive the wine or how free the beer or how important the occasion...'

SPONSEE:  You said 'frightened' twice.

Mr. SP:  I was often very scared.

SPONSEE: But it makes me so... so angry.  I mean... I have... it's... with all my relapses, I feel like I DO drink no matter what.  I don't get how that's supposed to make me... I don't know, what does it... like when you were new, it made you feel stronger?  More able to say 'no' or something?  Made you less afraid?

Mr. SP:  Oh God, no!  No wonder it makes you... saying 'I don't drink no matter what' isn't about trying to make me stronger... it's not about helping my will.  It's about helping my memory.  It's a reminder.  Like a little pilot light I could keep burning when that infamous 'curious mental blank spot' would begin to form and the brainfog would start to roll in.

SPONSEE:  Oh.  Well.  I guess I never thought of it like that. I always just felt like everyone got it and I didn't.

Mr. SP:  I promise, no one gets anything in any way that you don't -- we all just... it's hard for each of us, but sometimes hard in different ways.  But all you have to do is...

SPONSEE: ... worry about not picking up a drink today.  Yes, yes. Do you ever get tired of telling me that?

Mr. SP:  No.

SPONSEE: ...

               ...

               ...

               ... good. 

 

immunity

 

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other  alcoholics.  It works when other activities fail." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA's Big Book) pg. 89

 

It is the cosmic punchline:

I sponsor not to save others, but to save myself.  Thus, every single experience I've had with a sponsee -- whether they drank or recovered -- has been a success; because I've stayed sober.

I started sponsoring people because it was what I was told I needed to do.

Then I did it because I wanted to look good.

And then I did it because I believed in what I was doing, and I started to care.

And so the spoiled, terrified, self-centered, drunken boy who stumbled into AA thawed, grew up, and discovered first hand what many wise people from hundreds of cultures over thousands of years already knew:  Selfless service, with as little ego involved as is humanly possible, is the most potent and miraculously transformative agent in the Universe.

 

"... oh, I'm just sick of hearing people in meetings say that their worst day sober is better than their best day drunk..."

 

 

"It's just stupid"

He was ranting but I let him go on.

"It's fucking stupid to always compare every day I'm sober to the worst day of my using.  What the hell is that, anyway?  Every day I go through life I should think back on the time I was curled up on the floor of my closet with shit filled underwear and lips blistered from my crack pipe?"

"Poetic" I murmured.

"Well?"  He glared first into space, presumably at the conjured memory of whatever person he was actually angry with, and then at me, the lucky stand-in for the true target of his ire.

"What brought this on?"  I decided to fish a little.  What the hell, I had long ago found the answer to his implied question -- an answer which satisfied me quite well.  Whether it would satisfy him was actually his problem, not mine.

"Oh I'm just sick of hearing people in meetings say that their worst day sober is better than their best day drunk, or whatever the hell that saying is."

I bobbled my tea bag and thought about how nice it was to be sitting down.  Ever since I started working in a restaurant again I've developed a keen appreciation for a well made chair.

"Oh, are you playing at being inscrutable?"

I looked at him for a minute.  "Number one:  Good word.  Number two:  No.  Number three:  My available time is much more precious to me than it used to be.  If you're going to be a di..."

"Okay. Okay. Sorry."  He held up his hands and deflated a little, which meant only that he sat back and stopped looking like any minute now spittle would begin to fleck the sides of his mouth.  In a much more reasonable tone he went on.  "Well?"

I stopped bag bobbling.  "You're deliberately being a literalist in order to pick a fight with an imaginary opponent based one part on your memory of something and another on the judgment of yourself you're projecting onto someone else.  Someone who is not even here at the moment..."

His eyes narrowed then widened a little.  "You...but... that's..."

I help up a finger.  (No, not that one.)  "Also, I understand feeling frustrated with certain slogans in meetings.  Every so often it just seems like one will be in heavy rotation and it can get under your skin.  Plus, I agree with you."

"You do?"

"In part.  No, of course you shouldn't compare every single day of your sobriety to your worst day using -- the spirit of that sentiment is certainly not about dwelling on the darkest memories we have.  Gah, that would be dreadfully maudlin."

"You've been watching BBC again."

"Huh?"

"You always say 'dreadfully' after BBC'ing."

"Oh shut up.  Did you want me to answer your question or not?"

"I'm not even sure exactly what my question was now, but yes."

"Then you can take my answer and reverse engineer it to whatever question you have which it might answer best.  Because the answer is, this:  Not always, but sometimes, and once in a great while, often."

"'Sometimes and once in a while often' what."

"We should compare a bad day sober to a supposedly 'good' day using, fairly regularly, and by that I mean once in a while, and when we're in very rough patches we should probably do it often."

"Why?"

I sipped my tea -- now a little too cold, damnit -- and gave him a hard look.  "If you actually need me to answer that, one of us has been wasting the other one's time for well over a year now."

"You're much grouchier since you started working at that place."

"I'm not grouchier.  I'm more to the point."

"Ah, that's what you're calling it"

"Oh shut... I mean... be quiet."

Questions via Email: Choosing a sponsor

 

 

First, let me say thank you for the kind words in the comments on Friday's post.  Sentiments like that don't go to your head; they go to your heart -- and mine is full of gratitude. 

Of equal importance, however, is to get confirmation that AA blogging and anonymity can work together without violating the incredibly important spirit of our 12th Tradition.  I thought that was the case -- but here I sit some nights, typing away in the dark (well, there are a few lights on, but they're dim -- more flattering that way) and I am all too aware of how people can justify anything to themselves -- alcoholics especially.  I knew it was possible that I had been kidding myself, or crossed a line once I got rolling, or the like. 

Some few people in my day-to-day life know of the blog now, but asking them is not the best litmus test -- there is no way the blog is ever anonymous to them when they read it now.  It is you, the people reading who don't know me, who can offer the best and most accurate assessment on this topic.  So I am grateful not just for the warmth, but for your insights and candor.

 

And now, let's get back to work, shall we?

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm in my first year sober, and after a few slips I feel pretty stable.  I know I better get a sponsor though if I'm going to stay.  I don't think I'm at all reluctant to get a sponsor, I'm just not sure how to choose someone.  I hear stories of people kind of grabbing you and saying "I'm your sponsor!" and that is really not for me.

Any tips?  Whatever you have on the topic would be great.

Sincerely,

Someone's Future Sponsee

 

Dear SFS,

I have two things to congratulate you on!  First is your sobriety:  Go you!  One day at a time, I don't pick up the first drink.  Slips shmips, just live in the fact that today you don't pick up a drink no matter how happy, sad, bored, angry, hungry, horny, lonely, grumpy... wait, I'm about to start naming dwarfs.  You get it.  But rest assured, just because you did relapse doesn't mean you will relapse.  It is not a fore-ordained cycle.  Relapse is not inevitable.  You are sober today.  Full stop.

The other thing I have to congratulate you on is that you are quite possibly the very first alcoholic I have ever met who is not at all reluctant to get a sponsor.

I'm gently teasing, SFS -- what I hear from you is willingness, and that's the one thing you have to bring to the party on your own -- there's help available for everything else.

Let's not over think this, okay?  ("That'll be a first for you, Mr. SponsorPants."  Who said that?  Security!  Security!  Show that troublemaker the door!) 

Here are a few things to remember on choosing a sponsor:

A common description in choosing a sonsor is that you find someone that "you want what they've got."  For me, the best interpretation of this idea is not that you want the details of their life, the "outside" things, as much as it is about some inner qualities someone has that might speak to you.  Now it's fair to say that one's inner life can be reflected to a degree by the shape of the life they've built around them, but in my experience, recovery is measure not by what you drive, but by how you drive it -- I'll do better with someone in an older car who isn't screaming and flipping people off in traffic than I will with someone in a flash car with bad driving manners.  (Doesn't mean that successful people are jerks or "bad" AA's or might not be deeply spiritual in any way though.  And that works in the other direction, too, by the way.  Just because someone's a janitor doesn't mean they're full of warm, folksy wisdom.  Rich = mean/shallow and Poor = spiritual/noble is cheap, simplistic bullshit logic.  I'm only making a rough analogy about looking past the surface when looking for a spiritual guide -- which is ultimately what a sponsor is. )

You're not signing a contract.  You're not trapped by this.  Yes, the idea is that you are willing to take some suggestions offered by your sponsor, but you're not indentured to them.

Just like some people hire a "mean" personal trainer to "make them" work out, some people choose to act on a sponsor's suggestions without question or push-back.  They choose a "tough" sponsor to "make" them work a program.  Nothing wrong with that, but there are many kinds of sponsors, so if that's the example you've seen, rest assured it's only one flavor out of many.  For some sponsor/sponsee combinations trust is gradually established and some breathing room is key.

Your sponsor is a flawed, crazy alcoholic with their own propensity for self obsession, ego and fear.  No one person can be your whole Program.  This can be a great connection and an invaluable sober tool, but it's possible that sometimes your sponsor will just plain be a tool.  So manage your expectations of the poor mortals around you.  If you're waiting to find the "perfect" person you'll never find a sponsor.  You can find the perfect sponsor for you -- but what will probably make them that is how they handle their imperfections.

You don't have to ask someone to be your sponsor to start calling them and asking for help, or talking to them about something that is troubling you, or discussing something from AA you want input on.  It's not about the label as much as it is the dialog and the example. 

Your sponsor is not doing you a favor -- by asking them to sponsor you, you are helping them to practice the 12th Step, and thereby stay sober -- they are sponsoring you so that they stay sober as much as to help you with your sobriety.  So there is no debt, ever.

I guess the best sponsors for me are someone that I respect enough to want their thoughts on something and I'm willing to try what they suggest, but not that I'm intimidated by or scared of, so that I will be afraid to be honest with them for fear of looking bad or "getting in trouble."  (Even though you can't, really -- that's just baggage we all bring to the sponsor party.)  When I was new, though, I was a little afraid or intimidated by just about everyone, so that part was kinda tricky.

Don't get hung up on how much time someone has.  If the right person to sponsor you has two years sober -- or even one -- that's great.  Time sober has NOTHING to do with what might make someone the right sponsor for you.

Finally, maybe give yourself a tentative deadline.  No big pressure thing, but if I don't have a deadline on something like this then I'm just always "going to" do it, but I might never actually get into action...

 

Hope some of that was helpful.  Write back and let me know how it went.

Cheers!

Mr. SP

 

 

 

ears to hear

The phone chirped and I was very surprised to see who it was on the display.

Me:  Hey stranger. 

Them:  Hey.

Me: What's up?

Them:  Nothing.

Me (laughing):  Really?  You called me out of the blue after a few months off the radar to tell me nothing's up?

Them:  Well... I was wondering if you had some time to get together and talk.

Me:  Sure, I guess, maybe we could...

Them:  Now, I mean.

Oboy, I thought. That's not good.  In principle I'm not a drop-what-I'm-doing guy when someone calls out of the blue like this.  Who could live that way with a life full of alcoholics?  If someone catches me at loose ends, then sure, I'm available, but if not, then not -- but I could juggle a few things this afternoon and there was obviously something going on here... so...

Me:  Sure.  I'm free now.  Where are you?

Them:  Outside.

Me:  Excuse me?

Them: I'm sitting in my car, parked on your street.

Me:  Oh.  Well then... ummm... that's super convenient.  Why don't you come up and I'll put some coffee on.  Oh. Wait.  Tea.  I'm on a tea kick this week.

Them:  Fine. Ok. That's ok.

In they came and after minimal pleasantries set against the stage business of making and serving tea, we settled on the sofa.

Me:  Ok.  Out with it.  What's up.

After a solid 20 minutes of diatribe I hit the listening/focus wall.  Hard.

Me:  Hold it hold it hold it.

Them:  What?

Me:  Stop... just, hold it a minute.  There's something... you're not... Look, let me point something out, okay?

Them (guarded):  Okay.  What.

Me:  You prefaced this whole thing with 'I need to ask you something' but you're really not asking me anything...

Them (sharply): Well let me get to...

I held up my hands.

Me:  Hang on.  Wait.  Let me make this point.

They frowned and crossed their arms.  I had to stifle a giggle, since it flashed across my mind that I could take a picture of them right then in that moment and caption it "Closed Minded" and maybe win a photo contest.  There's always an inappropriate giggle bubbling somewhere inside me, as these pictures and ideas constantly flash across my mental screen, no matter how much I'm trying to behave, help or listen.

Me:  Here's what you're doing.  You're asking a question, then going on to tell me what I'll probably answer, and then telling me why that answer won't work.  Then you ask your next question, tell me what I'm going to say, and then again tell me why that doesn't apply.  You're not sharing what's up, you're steering me down a logic maze to what is likely a dead end.  So you can...

Them:  That's not...

Me:  So you can go 'ah ha! I knew this wouldn't work' and then go and do what you really want to do.  Why don't we cut to the end and you tell me what you really want to do, and we can hash that out instead.

Them:  You know, if you're such a great listener, how come...

Me:  HEY.  You're about six inches from rude right now, and you know I'm nobody's punching bag.

"Anymore..." my alcoholism whispered in my head.  "Shut up." I told it.  "Not now."

Me:  YOU called ME.  Look... let's start over, ok? 

Them:  No, let's not. Just... just forget it.  Thanks for the tea.

They stood up.

Me:  Don't do that.  Come on.  I don't think I was wrong in what I said, but I am sorry if you didn't feel like I was hearing you.  Let's start over.

Them:  No.  It's cool.  Just... forget it.  Don't worry about it.  I gotta go.

Me:  No you don't.  You don't have to go.  You're choosing to go and...

Them:  Yeah, I hate that.  That's exactly what I don't want.  Some kind of bullshit recovery-speak.

Me:  Annnnd we're back to rude.

Them:  Sorry I just... I'm gonna take off.

Me:  Okay.  It seems like no matter what I say you're not liking how I say it, so... okay.  And maybe you're right.  I will consider that.  But do me a favor.

Them:  What?

Me:  Consider -- just consider -- that maybe I'm right.  That you have a foregone conclusion and you're shopping for a way to act on it.  In my experience those are not healthy -- hell, they're usually pretty self destructive in one way or another.  Just consider that, okay?

Them (a pause):  Okay.  Can I... can I call you again?

Me (laughing):  You've been predicting what I'm going to say before I say it since you got here.  So tell me what I'm going to say to that.

Them (sheepish, then with a small laugh):  Yes.  You'll say 'Yes' to that.

I gave them a hug. They left.  Cleaning up the tea I thought of my dead sponsor, secretly sure he might have handled that a little better than I but knowing that is a foolish line of reasoning.  I'm the tool The Universe has in the toolbox right now... then I laughed at myself.  "Boy, is that ever right sometimes," I thought.  "I'm the tool."  But I remembered my dead sponsor saying once, "You can do a lot for people as a sponsor, or friend, or mentor, or whatever.  But you can't give them ears to hear.  Would that you could."  Indeed.  Would that we could.

 

on the way to offering suggestions

 

On the way to offering suggestions, it's a good idea to pause for a moment and confirm to the person you're trying to help that you actually heard them when they shared their troubles with you.

Nothing opens people's ears and minds so much as the feeling that their frustrations, their fears and their problems were really heard.

Or rather, I suppose it's maybe more accurate to say that nothing makes an alcoholic shut down faster than feeling like they haven't been heard and (more importantly) understood.  You don't have to agree with what they've said, but if you want to offer real assistance, it helps to affirm that you were listening and that you "got it."

Otherwise, the very suggestions you want to offer, the very aid you're attempting to render, can seem more like an argument than an assist, emotionally speaking

(And if after you try to share what's going on with someone you walk away feeling a kind of low-grade frustration -- even if they offered good advice -- it might be that after you poured out what was troubling you that you didn't actually feel like they really heard you.  Now, that may be a lack of perception on your part, not a failing on theirs -- what frustrated you is the more important thing to see -- it's a whole other question to consider as to whether your radio wasn't tuned to their signal, or they were broadcasting on the wrong frequency).

If someone says, "I'm unhappy" and the first response they get is, "have you tried a gratitude list?" it can seem like their feelings are being disregarded -- or disrespected.  Even if they're the most selfish and entitled person on earth (and if you come to meetings long enough, well... you might meet them -- after all, none of us got to AA by singin' in church and giving out canned goods to the needy) you're better able to be of service if you communicate to them that they had their emotional "day in court."

This is just as valid when talking to a sponsee, even though in that case one has a sort of "blanket permission" to dive right in and make suggestions.

I learned this as I have most things, by making the mistake of not doing it, and feeling like I was somehow being drawn into arguments that didn't really need to take place, and also by being on the receiving end of same.  I clearly remember some years ago feeling frustrated and unhappy after talking with some AA peeps and, though they had the best of intentions, getting peppered with "have you tried this?" and "why don't you try that" and worst of all, "you shouldn't feel that way... why don't you..."  Aaargh!  It felt more like a beat-me-down than a help-me-up.

Now, it's true, I probably shouldn't feel self pity for very long -- or resentment, or a host of other feelings which are pretty unhealthy for an alcoholic to dwell on -- but it's also true that there are no "wrong" feelings -- that is, I feel how I feel.  AA has given me tools to deal with those feelings, but it does not free me from the human condition.

And on the way to getting help, what I needed then -- and sometimes need today -- hell, what we all need -- is the feeling that we're not alone.  That the person we're sharing with hears us -- that other people understand how we feel.  It doesn't have to be a big hour long commiseration -- just a sincere "yeah, that's hard" or "you're right, that sucks" can feel like a balm to hurting spirits

Then it's time to get out the spiritual first aid kit.

 

Questions via Email: Quick Q's & A's

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What is your definition of "doing a geographic?"

If I am moving to start or stop doing something that I don't have to move to start or stop doing, or if I am moving to make a "fresh start" but running out on people or obligations in order to do so -- to me that's a geographic.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

13 Stepping?  Is that having sex with people in AA?

Yes and no.  In my opinion, 13 Stepping is when I invite someone over to read the Big Book but then I hit on them.  Just straight up, honest flirtation and/or propositioning someone else in an AA meeting is not 13 Stepping per se, because you're being honest about your motives and desires.  Now, hand-in-hand with that, however, is the fact that people who are new to AA are generally quite vulnerable, and might be seeking approval or escape or trying to compensate for some other issue, and it is a kind of 13 Stepping to hit on newcomers as well.  We offer the hand of fellowship to the newcomer, not the crotch of fellowship.

If you're hitting on newcomers, knock it the hell off.  Go cruise an Emergency Room, it's virtually the same thing -- it's just that our injuries are on the inside.

Oh, and if a newcomer is hitting on you, get a clue.  They're not showing you their interest, or their sexuality... they're showing you their damage.  Take the opportunity to set aside your own ego, whatever need for validation may come up when it happens and your own sex drive to show that in AA, you don't have to take off your pants to get the hug or to get help.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

My sponsor doesn't seem to have time for me.

Whether they're genuinely swamped or avoiding being of service, it might be time to look for another sponsor.  Before you do, address this issue very specifically with them.  Say what you said in your email.  If they get defensive, it's probably time to look for another sponsor.  If they offer an explanation, and commit to doing a better job, it might be worth sticking with them, if it's been a good fit in the past.  If they can't follow through, though, then... time to start looking.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What do you say when you fire an unwilling sponsee?

I'm not a fan of the word "fire" -- though I understand how it became efficient shorthand for letting a sponsee go.  You were specific in talking about an unwilling sponsee -- in such a case, I say something very much like this:

"You deserve a sponsor that calls you to action.  None of my suggestions seem to do that for you, so it's likely I'm not the right guy.  You should find someone who will do that for you."

Half the time -- more than half -- they'll say something like "Oh no!  Please still sponsor me!  I'll do better...".  If in your gut you think they might, then maybe give the deal another chance.  But if, in your gut, you know it's highly unlikely that they'll get into action, then you are of much better service sticking to your decision.  They will probably take their next sponsor relationship much more seriously, and that can only be a good thing.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've read a lot about the success/failure rate of AA, and it doesn't seem to be a very effective way to stay sober.

I'll ignore the somewhat baiting tone in the body of your email and pull this out to address -- if I have mischaracterized what you wrote, I apologize, even though you and I both know I did not.  I have seen a lot of different stats on this topic.  As with all statistics the results seem to vary based upon what and how something is measured.  For example, if you were to measure "came to AA and then never drank again" vs. "came to AA, had a relapse, came back and stayed sober" vs. "came to AA, slipped around for a couple of years, then stayed sober" you would have three very different statistical measurements which would, in and of themselves, be as accurate as the math could make it, yet give three very different interpretations of AA's effectiveness.  Not all medicine works for all diseases.  Not all medicine works with the first treatment.  Sometimes people have more than one illness and the one impedes the healing of the other.  AA has many supporters and many detractors.  Both sides are equally able to seize upon some set of stats to support their bias -- but that has nothing to do with AA.  That's just human nature.

Going to the gym has never really worked for me as a way to get in shape.  You know why?  Even though I bought a membership, I don't go to the gym.  So obviously, gyms are not an effective way to get in shape.  I saw some statistics on how many fat people in America have gym memberships vs. how many go vs. how many go for a little while then give up and are still fat.  Against the backdrop of all that, it sure looks to me like gyms don't work.  But some of those gym members who go and work out and stick with it get in better shape -- and they have the nerve to tell me that if I did that I would too!  Obviously they're wrong and deluded, and there is possibly something very sinister at work. 

 My direct experience is that for people who are real alcoholics and who follow the body of AA's suggestions to the best of their ability and work all 12 Steps, their alcoholism is arrested and they are able to maintain physical sobriety -- and from those two things mental, emotional and spiritual sobriety follow.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've switched around among sponsors a lot.  I mean, I've had four different sponsors.  Is that too many?

Four in fourteen years?  Probably not.  Four in four weeks?  Mmmmaybe.  Sponsors are like shoes.  Try them on and walk a little.  If it's a good fit you'll know in short order, and they can take you far.  If not... not.  Ask yourself, when switching sponsors, if there's something going on you're not looking at (fear of judgment, problem with authority -- even though a sponsor is not an authority in any way -- etc.).  Talk to some third parties in AA whom you like and know you and get their take on whether you're just finding the right fit or avoiding something.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've heard some people say that ________ says to work one Step a year.

I've heard that said about different people and places myself.  I don't know whether the people who say that the people who say that are quoting accurately or not.

All I can tell you is that if I did the Steps at the rate of one a year I'd be dead now.

No, really.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm addicted to _________ more than alcohol, but I was told to go to AA because it's like the "mothership."  Even though I don't really identify, should I still go to AA meetings?

In the early days of OA (Overeaters Anonymous) I'm told that some of the members went to AA speaker meetings to hear people discuss long term experience with the 12 Steps.  While I don't know if that is factually accurate, I can see how it might be helpful for them to have done so.  For myself, to support friends or to learn about other issues, I've been a visitor in meetings for a number of different 12 Step Programs, and when people were talking about their Step work and recovery I could usually identify, but when they were talking about their addiction... not always.  In my humble opinion, the miracle of 12 Step healing starts with the process of identification.  And that is not an intellectual process.  When I first came to AA I didn't need to hear an abstract discussion of addiction -- when I was new, I needed to hear specifically that these people drank the way I drank.  Eventually one develops the ability to listen more deeply, with the heart and not just the ears -- but I wasn't able to do that when I was new.

Putting it another way, I couldn't have gotten sober sitting in meetings of Gambler's Anonymous (for example), even though today I might find some good information from listening in a G.A. meeting.

Go where you will hear people specifically talking about what you did.  Make sure you always have a connection to that specific program -- not only for the beginning of your recovery, to identify and build a solid foundation for yourself -- but so that you can then help the other newcomers who will follow you.  If you also find recovery in AA, great, then of course come to AA too.  Come to AA also, but not instead of.

And if you mean literally you do not identify as an alcoholic, meaning, you are not able or willing to say "I'm _______ and I'm an alcoholic" because it does not feel right and honest for you, I respect that -- but please respect the difference, then, between Open and Closed AA Meetings.  An Open AA Meeting is for anyone who would like to attend, though the meeting itself may request that only alcoholics participate (read, speak, share) in the meeting -- but anyone is welcome to attend.  A Closed AA Meeting is for alcoholics only.  In virtually every city I've been to there are many more Open Meetings than Closed, so I'm sure you'll be able to find one, if that's what's right for you.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Are you dressing up for Halloween?

Halloween is the one day I'm not in costume.  It's the rest of the year I look frightful.

 

Cheers!

 

A Letter to my Dead Sponsor

Over the course of 20+ years, I have had six sponsors.  My first sponsor, who helped me feel safe and welcome, I had for almost two years (he was a big help when I started working in sobriety).  Sponsor Number Two was a quickie -- they moved to another state for a job shortly after I started working with them.  Sponsor Number Three was the Sarcastic Sponsor (this one) and although he was a tough old bird he was just what I needed at the time.  He sponsored me for a few years till it was I moved who moved.  Sponsor Number Four was also somewhat brief -- another case of moving for a job shortly after we started working together.  So I was maybe five or six years sober when I got Sponsor Number Five, a man named John S.  (He's been dead some years now, so I'm putting a name to him.)  He sponsored me for probably close to a dozen or so years, and if you dusted me for prints it is his fingers you would find had shaped so much of my sobriety and how I sponsor people.

I'm a twice-lucky man:  I had a good Dad, a man who was a solid tent pole in my family -- a guy with a big laugh and a big heart, who, although truly baffled and more than a little frightened by his son's terrible alcoholism and self-destructive bent, never fully gave up on me (though if he had, no one could truly have blamed him).  But I also had a powerful spiritual mentor in John S., who in many ways, as much as my own father, helped me become the man I am today.

This is the anniversary of his passing.  I do not miss him more today, but only because I miss him every day.

 

Dear John,

I say it often enough (every time I mention you, in fact):  I miss your wise counsel every single day of my life.

I've no doubt that you're enjoying Eternity, in whatever fashion we find it.  You always struck me as "in on the joke" -- whatever mad sense of humor seemed to infuse your understanding of God, The Universe and Everything -- you chuckled a lot more than you winced or sighed.

I guess today of all days I needed to invoke you, to sit and conjure you up from the hundreds of memories of the many thousands of hours you spent listening to me, talking with me (never at me) and yet brooking none of my nonsense.  (Would it have killed you to brook just a little? No? Okay, okay.  I learned very early on that you were right a lot more than I ever was.)

I have been privileged -- a word that gets thrown around a lot, but truly, privileged -- to sponsor a lot of people as I've stayed sober.  You always said it was going to be a big part of my path.  And it was you who really taught me how to do that, you know; you who gave me the bones upon which I built that part of my sobriety:  How to be a sounding board, an ear, a shoulder, a pathfinder, and once in a great while, a coach or even a cop.  And by teaching me how to be of service in that most unique way you gave me the chance to feel something Big move through me.  (I was going to write "feel the Hand of God on me" but if I did and you were sitting across from me reading this, I know you'd have gotten to that phrase, paused, smoothed your toupee a little bit, taken a hit on your cigarette, raised your eyebrows and given me That Look which said so much; salty and direct but never unkind or judgmental.  So okay, it's a bit high flown, to say that -- but although it's the kind of thing crazy people say before they try to make you take their pamphlet or start a war or something, it also has a spooky little bit of truth to it, too.)

So that gift alone, beyond the time you spent with me, helping me, is valuable beyond measure.

But if you're checking in on my deal at all from The Great Wherever (and I don't want to assume or anything... but just, if you are...) then you know I hit a rough patch there for a bit recently. 

It got a little dark in my head, as it seems to every five or six years or so.  (Remember this and this?  I know!  Me too!)

Because you helped me get through it before, I knew I could get through it again -- what's more I knew what to do, and thanks to the good habits you helped groove pretty deeply I was able to.

You were a funny, irascible, curmudgeon of a fellow, a dreadful alcoholic who gave unstintingly to me, without expectation or reservation (setting the bar for me on that, too).

I honor my debt to you by trying as best I can to pass along to others what you so freely gave to me.

And when I do -- or even just try to -- then deep down I remember that all of the illusory, material things which can sometimes seem so important in life are as nothing next to the privilege (there's that word again) of being able to help someone in that way -- to give a person who can't stop drinking, who's life has been a series of humiliating, self destructive blunders, the road map to recovery.  (I imagine it sometimes like a big treasure map, drawn with India ink on rolled parchment, and when someone spreads it out on a table there is, in the bottom most right hand corner, a big dot labelled "Alcoholic Hell" and then an "X" to mark the spot and the words "You Are Here" written in flowing script.)

I miss you because you were funny and kind.

I miss you because you made me laugh -- hard -- when I was sure I didn't have one drop of joy left in me.

I miss you because you always seemed to make time for me.

I miss you because your counsel really was wise.

But mostly I miss you because I wish you could see in person how the seeds you planted have born fruit; and how in my own way I have tried to do the same for others, who I have seen then go on and try to do the same for still others...

I miss you because now I see so clearly how we are just links in a vast network of something Good -- in a world that could really use some good and to people who could really use a hand.

I'm still doing what you taught me to do, John.  Thank you so much for helping me.

I hope they have great coffee wherever you are.

No doubt if they don't, you'll let them know.

All my love,

 Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Sober Texting 5 (they're very new)

 

Them:  thnx

Me:  You're welcome.

A minute goes by

Me:  What are you thanking me for?

Them:  you're having hard time now, yes?

A couple of minutes go by

Me:  Yes.

Them:  so... thnx 4 meeting with me today

Me:  I told you, we'll meet every week.

Them:  yeah but i thought u might cancel

Me: Why?

Them:  because you're having hard time

Me:  Oh. But that's when I need to meet with you most of all.

Them: ?

A minute goes by

Them:  when people say that kind of thing i'm not sure i understand - or maybe i'm not sure i believe them

Me:  You will.