Mr. SponsorPants

it really does

 

 

The

painful part

is not that you fear people might be

thinking negative, critical things about you.

The

painful part

is that you fear they might be right.

 

Let it go.

Sobriety is a gift

we work to keep and we are privileged to pass along.

It ultimately does not matter what self-criticisms and self-loathing and self, self, self, self we are tangled in.

All that self obsession will eventually

evaporate in the sunlight of the spirit

of service

and sobriety.

 

Don't take yourself so seriously.

It works.

It really does.

 

 

10 absolutely true things about my AA experience

 

 

1.  Working the 12 Steps changed me -- profoundly -- for the better; and it continues to do so.

2.  AA's focus on service has given me a way of looking at the world which opens my heart on a daily basis -- and that is a powerful antidote to becoming embittered by life, as I feel how easy it is to keep the heart shuttered as I grow older.

3.  AA Meetings are often (not always, but very often) a place which renews my faith in people and in something Good in the universe -- and some speakers and some who shared have given me some of the biggest belly laughs I have ever had.

4.  AA has taught me to be a good listener.

5.  Sponsorship -- both sides of the coin -- has taught me what a privilege it is to set ego aside in an effort to help people -- and it feels like a privilege -- and what a powerful catalyst for personal change that can be.

6.  AA has given me friendships which endure.

7.  AA gives me a safe place to go when I am troubled or I make mistakes.

8.  The practical advice I've been given in AA serves me in all areas of my life.

9.  Watching people in AA face life's challenges -- some of the toughest -- has taught me what real dignity and courage look like.

10.  AA has shown me that my past is not my future -- that there is no expiration date on the promise of reinventing myself, or starting over, or on God's Grace in my life.

 

 

"Hey, you need a ride?"

 

 

I was walking down the hill, and the car was driving up it.  When it came next to me it stopped and the passenger side window lowered.  I recognized him from meetings but hadn't seen him in upwards of a year.  He didn't look too well, but then, a lot can happen in a year.  I remembered him as kind of an angry person; nice, but conflicted.

"Hey, you need a ride?"

"Aren't you going to offer me any candy?" I asked.

He didn't get it, tilting his head sideways and giving me the "huh?" face.

"Never mind.  Thanks, but I'm good."

"So... do you still go to meetings?"  he asked.

Wow.  Right to it.  I shrugged.  "Sure."  I rattled off the current roster of meetings in my orbit.  I had a good idea where this was going -- to be honest with you I've been in this same conversation many times over the years, all that changes is who I'm talking to and what reason they use.

"I haven't been to a meeting in... oh, a while now.  Close to a year."

"Ah." I nodded noncommittally, and we fell silent for a few minutes, the only sound the cars driving past on the hill.

"Well," I said, "I'm on my way to get cat food and some..."

"I couldn't stand the religousness of it."  He blurted it out as if I had asked him -- or accused him.

I nodded again and shrugged a little.   There was a time in my sobriety when I would have... I don't know, not argued exactly, but... debated a little.  At this point in my life I just... if I'm not your sponsor, then I don't know that it's my place anymore.

We were silent for another minute. Me leaning through the car window.

"I like the Sunday morning meeting."  I offered.

Silence.

"I'll be there this Sunday."

"Yeah?"

"I can save you a seat if you want."

He looked at me.  "That's nice of you to offer."

I shrugged again.  "No big deal.  It's not like I'm offering to donate one of my kidneys or anything."

He laughed.

"I'll be there, I'll save you a seat.  It's a good meeting.  Be nice to have you there."

"Thanks.  Sure you don't want a ride?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"Okay, well... later."

"'kay" I answered. "See you Sunday."

He drove off.

Maybe. I thought.

 

 

5 Quotes on Service

 

 

 

I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

-- Albert Schweitzer

 

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

 

If you can't do great things, do little things with great love.  If you can't do them with great love do them with a little love.  If you can't do them with a little love, do them anyway.  Love grows when people serve.

-- Mother Teresa

 

Though my work may be menial, though my contribution may be small, I can perform it with dignity and offer it with unselfishness.  My talents may not be great, but I can use them to bless the lives of others... the goodness of the world in which we live is the accumulated goodness of many small and seemingly inconsequential acts.

-- Gordon B. Hinckley

 

Service keeps you sober.

-- A.A.

 

a helping hand

 

 

 

And it cannot be said enough -- I cannot hear it enough:

When I help it is I who am helped.

The Art of Being Happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, that's not right at all.

Well, I mean it is, in general of course; but for me the art of being happy lies in finding the opportunity to be of service in every situation -- to approach every person, place or thing with an attitude of "What can I bring to this, what can I contribute, what can I give?" as opposed to "What am I going to get out of this?" and the ever popular "Where's mine?"*

That, and gratitude.

For me that's where the art of being happy lies. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*And it strikes me, as I write the above, that the "take" attitude is one sourced ultimately in Fear, while the "giving" attitude springs from Love in some form -- or at least a willingness to act in a loving way -- and doesn't that also speak to a Universal Truth of sorts?

 

 

At work: Just a week or so ago...

 

 

Just a week or so ago...

 

"So then she told me I should quit my job right away and check in to a rehab."  She was sitting in the office, telling me of her experiences in meetings and the beginning of her search for a sponsor.  And she was clearly troubled by some of what she was hearing from people.

"Well I'm glad you didn't, I'd miss working with you and I'd have a helluva time finding someone to fill out the schedule on short notice."  I replied.  She got the intended humor and gave a soft, rye chuckle.

"But really, that kind of stuff freaks me out -- and I don't want someone too controlling!"

I could hear both the real fear and the manufactured drama in her statement.

"May I offer some thoughts on this whole thing?"  When I had my boss hat on I didn't ask permission to offer anything.  I just gave it.  I gave guidance, information or instructions about work.  But when I had this other, harder-to-put-a-name-to-but-clearly-not-a-boss hat on I was in the habit of asking before volunteering anything.  We were sitting in the office and I was counting out the cash drawers while she waited to clock in -- she who used to have trouble getting to work on time and now seemed to come in a little early perhaps just to have this time to talk.

"Sure."

"Well," I made little piles of change as I spoke; clink-clink-clink, and we both looked at the coins as I stacked them. "The suggestion seems pretty extreme on the surface.  But I think maybe you should consider the spirit of what they were trying to say."

"The spirit of it."  She sounded a little doubtful.

"Yes.  If you were diagnosed with 3rd Stage Scary Disease Number 5, and to save your life you needed to get medical treatment right away, you'd pretty much drop everything and get that treatment, yes?"

She considered it.  "Well... yes."

"So," now I made piles of singles, 25 per pile, and paperclipped each pile together "the spirit of this suggestion is that the self diagnosis of alcoholism is equally serious, and should be equally attention getting, and treated with the same level of urgency.  Even if what they said seems -- to both of us, I might add -- maybe a little extreme, the spirit of this suggestion is worthwhile.  This is serious, life-or-death business, and you would be wise to treat it as such."

"Okay.  That makes sense."

Money is dirty.  I looked at the grunge accumulating on my fingers in disgust as I went on to count out the fives, tens and twenties into their own bundles.

She began tearing open the deposit bags for me and sticking labels on them as we chatted.  "Right. Okay.  But it freaks me out when people are so... I don't want anyone too controlling.  It makes me not want to..." she trailed off, knowing by now my opinion on the importance of going to meetings.

"I understand.  But look," I said, filling out the little log and writing in how much change I wanted my opening Shift Leader to order from the bank, "say you went into a bar, and the bartender was a real asshole; intense and weird and trying to tell you where to sit or what to drink or whatever.  Would you say, 'Wow, that bartender is a controlling freak!  Because I met them I am never going to go to a bar again!'"

She giggled a little at the thought, which was what I was hoping for.  "No!"

"Okay," I stopped fussing with the banking and put my hands in my lap and looked at her directly, "then maybe that's what you should do with AA.  There are going to be a lot of people who, in their zeal to be helpful to you, might initially come across as 'too much' for you.  That's ok, but to use them as a reason not to go back to meetings is as silly and nonsensical as giving up going to bars because of some intense encounter with a bartender."

She smiled, "That makes sense, actually."

"Yes, it does.  My experience is that going to AA meetings saved my life.  I went to two a day for probably the first whole year."  (It was probably two a day for a couple of years, but I didn't want to slide myself into the 'Too Much' Column for her.)

"I'm going to two a day right now."  This offered in a small voice.

"Well, in my humble opinion that's wonderful, and I hope you keep on.  How do you feel?"

"Better, actually."

"Can I ask...?"

"9.  9 whole days sober."

"That. Is. Fan. Tastic.  Can I give you a hug?"  There's a camera in the office, and surely, if someone were to watch us in playback it might be an odd thing to see, but right at that moment I didn't give one flying eff.

She smiled big.  "Sure." We were of an age, and a hug between us was clearly a hug between friends, an AA hug and nothing more. I gave her a quick hug and then she pulled her string of Welcome Chips out of her pocket -- I was charmed to see she carried them with her like that -- I'd done the same thing -- and we chatted and cracked wise a little more before she started her shift.

I didn't want to say anything to her yet, but she was already... different.  One of the kids at work mentioned it to me the other night in fact, independant of my own observation.  A light was coming on in her eyes.  Her posture was changing.  Certainly this is in no small part due to the physiological effect of detoxing from chronic alcohol abuse -- the body is a marvelous mechanism and given a chance to heal will do so with speed and power.  But there was more to it as well.  I'd seen it before in others getting sober in AA.  We never notice a difference in ourselves -- not for a long time anyway -- but it is apparent to the people around us.  Spiritual healing is as visible, as palpable, as real as physical healing.  And that's what was beginning to take root in her.

'God puts people together for a reason' is something I've quoted to many sponsees.  (If there's a God, and today I vote yes, there Is.)

God creates an opportunity to be of service, for one alcoholic to help another be in the middle of AA's lifeboat, stay sober, and in virtually every way change their lives for the better.

I knew in my heart that this was another one of those opportunities.

But let me be absolutely clear about one thing in this:  The person being helped, being saved, being centered in the middle of the lifeboat and getting the chance to change for the better isn't her.

It's me.

 

At work: Several Weeks Ago...

 

Several Weeks Ago...

 

There was a problem with the fax machine, and although in this age of iGadgets and Tablet technology a fax sounds charmingly old school, the fact was that we use it quite a bit, so a problem with the fax was a problem I needed to fix.

I muttered and tinkered and cursed, and finally figured that it was potentially a problem on the phone line, which led me to call the phone company and begin climbing up the long tree of automated prompts to get to speak to a live person.

"If you are an existing ATT customer, Press 1. If you are a new customer, Press 2.  Para espanol, selecte nueve."

I pressed 1, and climbed from the first branch of the prompt tree to the next, thinking to myself that I should have gotten a fresh cup of coffee before starting this ascent.

"If this call is regarding Home Service Press 1.  For Business Accounts, Press 2."

And so on.

What seemed like twenty but was more likely no more than ten minutes later I was closing in on a live tech. (I'd already tried jabbing the zero button and the pound button repeatedly to get kicked to a live person, but the Prompt Tree was not so easily thwarted.)

"For technical support, please stay on the line, a technician will be with you shortly."

Finally! 

And then the door of the office burst open.

"Look!" she said, half in triumph, half in defiance.  She thrust her hands out in front of me.

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us.  A technician will be with you shortly."

"Oh. Um. Wow?"  I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be looking at.

"This is what two days without a drink looks like."  Belatedly I noticed that her hands were shaking.

"Wait, what?" I was dumfounded.  She knew I was in AA (most of work now knew I didn't drink, but that was the extent of it) because she had overheard some of my friends talking to me -- discreetly -- but since she'd taken a pass at recovery herself several years ago she knew enough of the language to put two and two together and come up with sober.

"Yes.  I... I haven't had a drink in two days."

"And you've got the shakes?!?  My God, how much have you..."

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us, a technician will be with you shortly."

We'd talked about different issues once she'd found out I was in recovery.  It's not the first time at a job I've found myself walking the delicate line between co-worker (supervisor) and 12 Stepper, so this wasn't entirely uncharted territory.

(At almost every job I've ever had, from the beginning of my sobriety, there's always one alcoholic or addict or something placed on my path -- once I worked for someone who was a bulimarexic, which means that she starved herself, and the one cracker or whatever she would allow herself in a given week she would then try and throw up.  She was a good boss though.  Except for her propensity to faint.  And leave clumps of hair in the break room.)

All of which is to say that I have had practice in balancing my spiritual journey with my career path  --  I swear, I don't go looking for it.  I'd rather be a quiet example of sobriety when I'm on the clock than get all involved in 12th Stepping.  But when the Universe gives me a Cue... what's a sober guy to do?  As Alcoholics Anonymous' Responsibility Declaration states:  "I am responsible.  When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help I want the hand of AA always to be there.  And for that, I am responsible."

So she started telling me her story -- or, the most recent chapter of it.  Which began with the fact that she's got a long drive home from work, and had apparently been buying a bottle of wine to drink on the way.  (Atta girl!)  And then once home... so these shakes were the real deal.

"If you've got the shakes then you should really look into maybe a medically supervised..."

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us.  A technician will be with you shortly."

Damn I should hang up. This is important.  But I'd been caught completely off guard, and had some resentments about work on simmer in my psychic kitchen and to be honest I was... it was a curve ball I didn't want... I just didn't want to have one more damn thing to manage, especially...

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us.  A technician will be with you shortly."

"I was hoping" she looked down "maybe you could suggest some meetings or..."

I sighed inside. 

"Please stay on the line..." I heard a human voice interrupt the recording. "Hello, thank you for calling ATT Technical Support, my name is Daniel, how can I assist you?"

I could climb the tree again.  Have a cup of coffee while I was at it, too.

"Thank you, Daniel, but I'll have to call back."  I put the phone gently in its cradle.  "Of course I can.  Do you have a Meeting Directory?" 

I know it's all a little pat.  I don't blame you for thinking I might be making some of this up.  'fraid not. 

I reached into my bag -- and it was too cute that I'd bought a new Directory at the last meeting I'd been to.  So funny, that Higher Power.  Such a Card.  "Here's where all the little abreviations are explained, like a Closed Meeting or Open, or a Women's Meeting or whatever..."  I gave her the Directory after we highlighted a few meetings and dog eared a page or two.

I can handle one more thing at work.  I have a lot on my plate, but I also have a Primary Purpose (look it up.)  It's not my solitary purpose, but it is my Primary one.

And because...

Because if I pray to be of service, if I pray for God to use me as God will, then it's a little counter productive to not actually be of service when called upon to do so.

Because when I was newly sober, with my own hands shaking from detox, everyone I met in AA made me feel like helping me was the most important thing in the world to them -- and that it was no trouble at all.

Because I know a little about this person -- we're of an age, and have had some issues on the job -- and I know a little about alcoholism, and I know what it costs to ask the only person you know in AA for help in connecting with AA.  And at that moment I was likely the only person they knew who was in AA. 

Because when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there.

And for that, I am responsible.

 

.

if this were an answer on "Jeopardy"...

 

If this were an answer on "Jeopardy"

 

 

 

the question would be, "What does service do?"

Simplistic? Yes. Hokey? A little. Effective? Very.

 

 

One of the young women who works for me has become increasingly sour towards the general public.

This is a problem, since, you know, we work with the general public.

To her mind she's encountered too many rude, arrogant, difficult, unbalanced people.  ("What the hell are you complaining about, it's me they wind up melting down on."  I thought.  "Oh, you poor dear." I thought.)

"Ok.  Here's what I want you to do.  Take this piece of paper, and divide it into three columns."

She took the paper, and then she made a face.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?"

"No!"

"Yes you did, you rolled your eyes at me."

"I did not!"

"Well, you made a face."

"No I didn't."

"Yes.  You did.  You made the teenage daughter face.  But..."

"But what?"

"Well, it wasn't a very good one."

"I did not make a face!"

"Yes you did, you made a totally lame teenage daughter face."

"What does a totally lame teenage daughter face look like?"

Gotcha.

"Like this." I said, making a totally lame teenage daughter face, rolling my eyes up, blowing my imaginary bangs up out of my eyes and making a sound which my mother once called a "toots."

She laughed, because I am a large, somewhat ridiculous and mildly flamboyant middle aged man, thus a teenage daughter face on me looks... well, at the very least we can call it out of place.  But the laugh was the point, and now we were on track for listening rather than shutting down.

"It's a magic trick and a scientific experiment.  Trust me.  You have the paper with three columns.  On the top of one you write "mean" and in the middle one you write "neutral" and in the last one you write "nice." 

"You want me to keep score on how people are."

"Sort of, that's only the first part.  Do it for an hour and then I want to see the paper."

-- one hour later --

"Show me." I demanded.

The score:  Mean - 16  Neutral - 23  Nice - 8

She gave me a careful look.  "This is supposed to help me how?"

"Hush.  Now, for the next two hours, you keep score, but you do something that you haven't been doing."

"What's that?"

"Smile really big before you say anything to each guest."

"I have been smiling!"

"No, you haven't.  I've been watching.  You've been offering people a tight-lipped grimace which makes it look like either you would rather be doing anything else other than smiling at them or that you have a thumb tack in your shoe.  You don't, do you?"

She did not dignify such silliness with a response.

"Do it and then in two hours I want to see the paper.  And I will be right over there, writing the schedule, watching to see you don't cheat."

I got another face, but as I watched, she gamely smiled away.

 -- two hours later --

"Show me."

The score: Mean - 5 Neutral - 9  Nice - 88.

"Ok, you made your point."  She said.

"What was the point I was making?"

"That if I smile big at people they will respond better."

"No, that wasn't the point.  That's true, but that wasn't the point."

"Then what was it?"

"That you have the power to change your perception and your experience of the world.  That you can do that simply and easily.  That if you find people are difficult you might be better served by looking at how you've been treating them rather than how they've been treating you."

"Oh."

"And there's one more thing, too."

"What's that?"

"If you go back to the snarky grimace, our next conversation won't be anywhere near as fun as this one.  Ok?"

She laughed a little but had the grace to look chagrined, too.  "Ok."

"Good." 

Off she went to her break.  Another employee had been around during this whole exchange, and sidled up to me after she'd left.  "Can I ask you something?"  He asked.

"Sure."

"You're the boss.  Why all the rigmarole?  Why not just tell her to smile or you'll write her up?"

Because AA has irrevocably changed me for the better.  I thought.

"Because that wouldn't have stuck.  She'd have done it for the first couple of customers and then she'd likely be right back to sourpuss."

He thought about that.  "She still might."

"Yes," I conceded, "but maybe not.  And maybe she learned something.  And if so, then it was three hours well spent -- two of them with better customer service happening, too.  I'm gonna call that a win."

He shrugged.  "I guess.  Be easier to write her up."

"Have you ever written someone up?  Have you ever fired someone?"

"Me? No."

"Okay then.  Take my word for it, this is much easier."

And this is helpful.  I thought.  This is a way to be of service.  And that's the point for me.