Mr. SponsorPants

The Algebra of Recovery: A Theoretical Progression. Reblogged by request.

 

 

 

Anger x Self Obsession = Resentment
  
Resentment + Entitlement = Justification

Justification - [(Fellowship + Sharing) OR (Sponsorship + Full Disclosure)] = Relapse

 

 

Origin Unknown: The Old Timer's Prayer

 

 

Old Timer's Prayer

  

Lord, keep me from the habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.

Release me from the craving to straighten out everybody's affairs.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details - give me wings to get to the point.

I ask for the grace to listen to the tales of others pains.  Help me to endure them in patience.

But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they are increasing, and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet.  I do not want to be a saint -- some of them are so hard to live with -- but becoming a bitter old timer would be one of the crowning works of my alcoholism.

Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talents in unexpected people.

And give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

Make me thoughtful, but not moody;  helpful, but not bossy.

With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all - but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends in the end.

 

(Yes, I may possibly have tweaked this a tiny bit to make it more on point, but I don't think "Unknown" will mind.)

It's that time of year again... Mr. SponsorPants Annual Sober Holiday Survival Guide

In years past it was pointed out that I put this up on the blog a little late to be of any practical use to people.  So here, while travel arrangements might still be in the works, (and thus this would hopefully be more helpful) is "Mr. SponsorPants Annual Sober Holiday Survival Guide":

 

Holidays, families and alcoholics.  A potent combination, be it for feeling gratitude or copping an attitude.  As the old joke goes, no one knows how to push your buttons like your family -- after all, they installed them.

With that said, here is some of the best I can offer when it comes to holiday parties, family visits, and this whole wonderful/terrible time of year:

1. Remember, you don't have to go.  Yes, yes, maybe you should go.  Maybe it's a bad idea for your career, or it would be hurtful or disappointing to someone if you don't go -- those can be compelling reasons to get on a plane or show up at a party -- but you don't have to go.  You aren't trapped, and you can change your mind at any time if you need to -- you can turn that car right around on the way to the airport or before you enter the parking structure.  If you are a real addict your life is on the line, and though we can be prone to drama and selfish decisions, it's obviously better to stay sober, and after the fact determine if you might have been oversensitive or dramatic (a very real possibility), than to force yourself to go somewhere slippery when you're feeling frightened, resentful and trapped -- and then relapse.  Because if you really are an alcoholic then your alcoholism really is trying to kill you -- and you may have taken the holiday off, but it hasn't.

2. Remember, you can leave.  In the middle of a sentence, in the middle of a toast, in the middle of the cutting of a cake, you can, without drama, without a scene, excuse yourself and leave.  If the occasion or the moment seems to indicate a reason should be offered, just say you suddenly feel ill and step out.  It's not even a falsehood, though you may mean emotionally or spiritually ill and others may think the artichoke dip didn't agree with you.  In fact, it doesn't matter if people in the moment believe you or not, or if you have to explain a little more later, or make amends after the fact -- it is better to leave quietly and stay sober than remain at an event and relapse -- because if you relapse, they'll most likely wish you had left.  As I've said to sponsees, you can leave with a fork halfway to your mouth, if you have to.  Which leads me to...

3. Remember, if at all possible, drive yourself and don't give anyone a lift -- not out of selfishness, out of self preservation.   If you have to leave because you are freaking out and you think you might not be able to stay sober then you need to leave -- not wait for someone to dither around saying goodbye or getting their coat or finishing that last slice of pie.  If you do have someone with you, hopefully you can explain in advance that you might have to leave abruptly -- not that you're planning on it, but that you might need to -- so help them have a Plan B for leaving if they want to stay, or perhaps agree that they're willing to leave on short notice with you.  If you're the passenger, be ready to call a cab or walk to the bus stop or at least step outside for some air.  Which brings us to...

4. Remember, you can leave and then return.  Leaving doesn't have to mean leaving the whole event and going home or back to the hotel or wherever -- go for a walk, get some of that aforementioned air, sit in the car and scream (though the valet may look at you funny) -- and then once you've gotten your equilibrium again go back in -- with an eye on the Exit for Round 2, if you have to.

5. Remember, don't expect Program responses from people who aren't in the Program.  There you are, flush with recovery and armed with a whole new language to identify how you feel and communicate it with people.  Remember that the family dinner table is not a 12 Step Meeting, and if you start "sharing" rather than talking you may be met with "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."  Or worse (in my book) patronizing smiles that are the equivalent of a pat on the head and a "isn't that nice, dear."  Again: Don't expect people who aren't in a 12 Step Program to act like people in a 12 Step Program.  (And what's the set up there? The evil alcoholic node in that sentence?  "expect" -- expectations of family are some of the deepest -- and often least conscious -- and most lethal expectations an alcoholic can have.  Yes, it's a high bar to clear -- an impossible bar to clear in fact, to have absolutely no expectations of people -- but if you're aware of the mechanism at work it helps keep the resentments from running you ragged.)

6. Remember, for most addicts, maybe = yes.  If you think you might drink or use if you visit certain people or places then that's just a prelude to actually doing so.  Be sure of yourself.  If you're not sure, the stakes are too high to play a people-pleasing game and place yourself at risk.

7. Remember, other people find the holidays difficult and emotionally charged as well -- you're not the only one having a tough time of it -- watch for ego and hyper-sensitivity, and rather than sit in your own upset, see who and how you can help wherever you may be or whomever you may be with.  Short answer:  Want to feel better?  Be of service.

8. Remember, "Please pass the gravy" is not code for "Please, now that you're sober, unload all of your pent up anger and frustration you've been stuffing for the past X years, right here right now, during dinner."

9. Remember, Alcoholics Anonymous suggests when dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.  Even for those of us who are learning that we are not doormats it is not necessarily smart to immediately confront a situation head on.  In fact, by writing out a quick inventory (and be careful where you leave that paper lying around if you're visiting home, Bucko) and organizing your thoughts and feelings you can then confront something and talk about the actual thing that caused your resentment, rather than get all tripped up talking about your feelings and anger.  It's a very different thing to say "Please don't make jokes about my job" instead of "I feel angry when you make jokes about my job."  The latter will just create a discussion about your feelings, and that's not what you're trying to do -- you're setting a boundary, not inviting opinions on your emotional sensitivity level.  If you write out your resentment you can get clarity in your head before you open your mouth -- I've tried it the other way, to spectacularly poor results, I assure you.  And all that is said with a giant IF in front of the idea that it is wise for you to "confront" anyone at all.  Most of the time it probably isn't.

10. Remember, it is possible to look like you're listening intently to someone while you are actually saying The Serenity Prayer over and over in your head.

11. Remember, "love and tolerance is our code."  If your family, or your boss, or your employees, or whomever, actually could do any better they probably would.  For particularly difficult, toxic or challenging people try to consider that it is much worse to be them than to deal with them -- keep at the forefront of your mind that those who trouble us are spiritually sick themselves, and are deserving of our compassion (as difficult as it may be to summon for some) more than our criticism.

12. Remember, you may not have been such a winner yourself on past occasions -- it may take a while for people to "see" who you are today.  Be patient, show who you are now rather than tell who you are now, and things will eventually change.

13. Remember, miracles do happen -- damaged relationships heal, wounded parties forgive, shattered families come back together ... it doesn't happen the way we may envision it, or with a clever soundtrack and excellent lighting as in your favorite independent film, but it really does happen.

14. Remember, breathe.  Just three deep breaths before speaking can save a life.  I am not exaggerating.

15. Remember, it is not your family's job to understand alcoholism or Alcoholics Anonymous -- it's yours.

16. Remember, it's not your job to diagnose everyone in your family with your magical new sober powers, nor is it your job to whip out your spiritual took kit and try to fix anyone around you.  AA is a program of attraction, not promotion.  When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.  If you're being an example you don't have to explain, and if you find yourself doing a lot or explaining you're probably doing a poor job of being an example.

17. Remember, AA is a "design for living" -- and what that means in the real world is that other people's behavior does not dictate my behavior -- you can't make me yell or behave badly, only I can make me do that.  I am not a doormat, but I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to, either.  A smile and shrug is an excellent strategy for quietly deflecting things.

18. And finally, remember, bring your Higher Power with you -- you're not going in their alone.

 

Why 18 and not a nice round number like 20?  Dunno -- I only have 18 I guess.

Happy holidays to all, and while whatever you celebrate and whomever you celebrate it with can make for a wonderful/terrible day, it is also just another 24 hours, and one minute at a time, this too shall pass.

Cheers!

You don't have to... today

A lot of emails recently from very frightened people; people who relapsed and want to be sober, or are afraid they can't make it or don't deserve it or that other issues will overwhelm them.  I remember feeling that way when I was new... and at other times along the way, too.  After thinking about it a lot and praying a little, this is what I want to offer...

 

Dear Alcoholic,

You don't have to be #1 at anything today.

You don't have to figure things out, or understand, or make sure everyone (or Someone) understands you.

You don't have to remember everything, or get all organized and start making lists.

You don't have to solve every -- or any -- problem you have today (or solve someone else's problems today either).

You don't have to figure out what will make you happy, or what you should do with your life.

 

Those are good things to do of course, and come with a measure of reward or satisfaction or comfort.  That's very true.  I'm not saying those things are completely unimportant.

But you don't have to do any of those things today.

 

All you have to do today is not pick up that first drink.

One hour at a time.

One five minutes at a time.

Until your head hits the pillow.

And if you do that,

you win.

 

That's it.

 

And the rest of that shit will just have to work itself out or wait its turn.

Sober first.

The rest second.

It has worked for thousands of other alcoholics -- it will work for you.

After all, we're in the miracle business -- lives are transformed every day.

Mine is.  Yours too.  (Yes, dear one, even yours.)

Today.

 

overthinking

 

 

 

the

way

to

prevent

this

(in my humble experience)

is

through

prayer

and

meditation.

(Or not.  Some people like to explode.  They use it as justification for all kinds of things, up to and including relapse.  It's their permission mechanism.  In fact. I would go so far as to say some of us deliberately work ourselves up to an explosion just so that we can relapse.)

 

Questions via Email: Pain Medication post-surgery

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have some surgery coming up.  I really have to have it, and the recovery is supposed to be very painful.  I'm in my second year of sobriety and I'm really worried about taking pain medication.  Should I tell my doctor I'm an alcoholic?  Won't that then be on my record somehow?  If I take the pain medication will I relapse?

In Pain and In Fear

 

Dear IPIF,

I completely understand your concerns -- surgery can be scary, knowing you're going to be in great physical pain is scary, and the idea you might spin out of control and relapse after putting in all the hard work you have to get clean and sober... man, that is REALLY scary.

First, remember this:  No points are awarded for needless suffering. 

People take medicine before and after serious medical procedures.  It's often an important part of their recovery in fact.  Being in extreme pain can actually work against your healing properly.

If it were me, I would take the pain medication...

BUT...

I would tell my doctor that I am an alcoholic.  (Whenever the subject of medication comes up -- or whenever they're doing anything which measures my liver function, I tell my doctor I'm an alcoholic).  Will it get on my "record?"  Maybe.  It is the age of Information after all.  But I'm more concerned with staying sober than my file being flagged as an addict (not to mention, if you relapse it's just as likely you'll get a record of some other kind).

Not all doctors have the same understanding about addiction, but I would still speak up.  And I would ask about the different pain medications available, and request a non-narcotic one if at all possible.

Also, when it comes to taking medicine, what I do with sponsees who have been in similar situations is I suggest they make a log and record exactly when they take each pill.  This is so that people don't confuse themselves:  "Wait, did I take one at 1:30? Oh my God, I took one three hours ago not four! Did I relapse? I relapsed! Oh my God!  Wait... did I?"  What a wicked, horrible head trip to put yourself on -- especially when you're in physical pain and already not too clear.  A log keeps you honest and prevents you from psyching yourself out.

Another idea is to have someone else whom you trust hold the medicine for you and give you your pills/dose/whatever on a schedule, so you don't even have to think about it.  While not everyone's life allows for that I've known a number of people in recovery handle this issue that way, too, and it worked very well for them.

Addicts take drugs whenever and however we feel like it; but patients take medicine as prescribed, on a schedule, following all directions from the doctor, the pharmacist and on the bottle of medication.  In this instance you're a patient.  (And in recovery, when we don't need the medicine any more, if there is any left over, we flush it.)

This is an opportunity in your sobriety to do that horrible, awful, excrutiatingly painful thing -- that thing which is quite probably even more painful than your medical issue or your post-surgery recovery:  Admit you need help.  You don't have to manage this issue alone -- and you probably shouldn't.  In my life, God works best through other people, so when I'm in trouble, the more peeps I have working on Team SponsorPants the better.  Give your Higher Power some resources to work with by asking for help and accepting it. 

As I said before, I really, truly understand your concerns, but I want to assure you, you absolutely can, one day at a time -- one hour at a time, if need be -- stay sober through this.  Talk about it with your support group, get help, set yourself up to be clear with what you're taking, and make sure the medical professionals involved understand your situation.  Try not to spend a lot of time alone while you're convalescing -- even when I'm at my best, a lot of time alone with my head is probably not the greatest plan for me.

Good luck, and get well soon.

 

Mr. SponsorPants

 

immunity

 

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other  alcoholics.  It works when other activities fail." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA's Big Book) pg. 89

 

It is the cosmic punchline:

I sponsor not to save others, but to save myself.  Thus, every single experience I've had with a sponsee -- whether they drank or recovered -- has been a success; because I've stayed sober.

I started sponsoring people because it was what I was told I needed to do.

Then I did it because I wanted to look good.

And then I did it because I believed in what I was doing, and I started to care.

And so the spoiled, terrified, self-centered, drunken boy who stumbled into AA thawed, grew up, and discovered first hand what many wise people from hundreds of cultures over thousands of years already knew:  Selfless service, with as little ego involved as is humanly possible, is the most potent and miraculously transformative agent in the Universe.

 

Questions via Email: AA makes me want to drink (I think)

 

 

Hi Mr. Sponsorpants,

I just came back from a very lovely, cosy AA meeting in my home city in the UK.   Nice people, comfy chairs.  I am definitely an alcoholic.  No doubt.  Stayed sober for 3 months without much hassle.  Relapsed 2 weeks ago for a few eventful days, most of which I can’t remember.  When sober, 90% of the time I don’t even think about drinking.  After an AA meeting, listening to people talking about drinking, drinking, drinking, Alcohol, as soon as I get home, I have a huge urge to drink.  I am scared not to go to meetings because according to the old timers, I will drink.  I am scared to go to the meetings because from experience, after  meetings I want to drink.  (not always but more often than not I think about it)

 Maybe I am making my sobriety much tougher than necessary thinking that it depends on AA.  We are all made of different components.  Could it be counter effective for some of us?  The truth please!

 Regards,

 T

 

Dear T,

First off... comfy chairs?  What the hell?  I've been sitting on dreadful folding metal chairs (about as comfortable as something purchased at a waterboarding equipment after-market sale) for all these years!  You have comfy chairs in your UK meetings?  Damn you, Sir or Madame!  Damn you and your comfy chairs all to hell!

Now then, about AA being "counter effective" for some of us.  Us as in "real alcoholics" us?  And you want the truth?

The truth is that I am not an expert.  I have no idea.  I'm not dodging your question nor am I trying to conceal some Hidden Truth we long timers in AA learn after getting our 20 year chip (God, it would be so cool if AA had some kind of cabalistic Hidden Truth you get to after a while.  I imagine it would be concealed in a Codex entitled "The Secret Writings of Lois Wilson" and to access it you must face Akron, Ohio at 12:12am and place your 20 year chip against the indentation at the top of the ... no.  Wait.  Isn't that a scene from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"?)

The truth is... maybe.  I suppose it's possible.

As I'm sure you know, one of the things about the mental component of alcoholism is that it seems to cloud our thinking to the point where drinking, regardless of what has happened to us when we drank before, appears to be a good idea again.  So in my experience, when people say "if you don't go to AA you're going to drink" that is because that has proven true for them -- or they believe it to be true for them.  (I believe that is true for me.)  In other words, AA helps them (me) remember what happens when I drink (that's only one facet of course, and a bit of a simplification, but it will do for now).

But the spirit of this idea is that, if you have the disease of alcoholism you will not be able to stay sober on your unaided willpower alone.  Without something to help you stay sober the consequences of what happens when you pick up a drink will not be present in your mind with enough force to deter you from going ahead and picking up a drink again.  Just like if you had any other chronic medical condition you would need help and medicine to treat it -- you couldn't just conquer it with your will.  "It seems that I have asthma.  But you know what?  The next time I feel an asthma attack coming on I'm just going to decide to breathe normally!  That's all.  I mean, I'm breathing normally now, right?  In fact, I breathe normally 90% of the time."  Yeah, good luck with that plan. 

So... is there "something else" which can help you stay sober, other than AA?  There are certainly lots of people who are anti-AA out there, and they make for a strong presence in some corners of the Internet.  I confess I've not read every single word of what they've written (and saying "they" is painting with a ridiculously broad brush, I grant you) but while there is tremendous intensity and a lot of detailed critique in their negative feelings about AA, in my cursory examination I've not seen a lot of actual, specific suggestions about how to stay sober beyond "just don't drink."  And again, I want to stress that information may be there and I just haven't really seen it.

For me there are degrees of thinking about drinking.  The thought of a drink can occur, but I don't have to invite it to sit down (in a comfy chair!) and put its feet up, serve it a cuppa and chat it up for a while.  Thinking is not necessarily the desire.  And the desire is not the same as the obsession.  Are you indulging these thoughts, T?  When you get home from the meeting and you start thinking about drinking do you call anyone?  Write?  Pray?  Jog?  Eat?  Anything? 

AA works for me.  When I hear people talk about drinking in meetings it is not a glorification so much as a description which I can identify with -- and not just with the drinking but with the inevitable slide downwards which accompanies it (in whatever form that takes).

But AA is a lot more than sitting in a comfy chair (damn you!) and listening to people's stories. 

Big Book?  Steps?  Sponsor?  Hello?

The general consensus from an awful lot of corners (medical, psychiatric, religious, 12 Step, etc.) is that some kind of ongoing assistance is pretty important for an addict if they want to stay clean.

All I have is your email to work from, but you seem to minimize the fact that you were pretty much in a blackout for 72 hours.  I wouldn't presume to agree with you that you're an alcoho -- oh, the hell with that, I certainly will presume it.  A 72 hour blackout, T?  A few "eventful days" as you so coyly describe it?  Just puttering around the garden shed were we, and lost track of time?

Please.

It is good -- no, it's great -- that you say "I am definitely an alcoholic.  No doubt."  That certainty is a solid beginning.  But there's a reason there are 12 Steps.  It's not a one step program.  Or, to drag that damned Big Book into it again, "self knowledge avails us nothing."  Knowing you're an alcoholic is not nearly enough to help you stay sober.  Just like knowing you have fair skin and sunburn easily will not actually prevent you from getting a sunburn.

There are 12 Steps because it is a process.  Just like to make a cake a recipe might have 7 steps, to make a spiritual experience of the AA variety requires an alcoholic to take all 12 Steps.  And without a spiritual experience -- a "psychic upheaval" as Dr. Jung called it -- (be it gradual or the more rare thunderbolt kind) according to AA, and the personal experience of many people who have come to AA -- and my own personal experience -- staying sober is a bit of a longshot for a real alcoholic.

I would urge you to try all of the AA program before you decide it's not for you.

I would urge you to bring an uncomfortable folding metal chair to your meetings and sit in it.  I doubt it will do anything to help you stay sober, but why should I be the only one suffering.

Are you "making your sobriety tougher than necessary thinking it depends on AA?"

I have no idea.

I don't know if AA is counter effective for you.

All I can tell you is that it has definitely worked for me.

Try going without it, and if you're fairly happy and don't have any more 72 hour blackouts then I guess you were right, and we'll both have learned something.

You'll forgive me, I hope, if I let you learn that lesson on your own, rather than join you.

 

Good luck,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

not anymore, thanks.

 

 

drinking dreams

 

 

 

A flurry of emails about drinking dreams.

To the visitor, or newcomer who hasn't had one (yet?) a drinking dream is just what it sounds like:  A dream in which the sober alcoholic drinks (or uses), or sober people close to them do so, or any variation therein.

What can I say on the topic?  Not that much I'm afraid.  They happen.  Considering the level of obsession with using most of us have (or had) at one point or another (even in sobriety) perhaps we should all be surprised they don't happen more often.

Are they the dream canary in the coal mine?  A warning that one is headed for relapse? 

Maybe -- but certainly not always.

When I was in my first year of sobriety I had drinking dreams fairly often.  They were intensely vivid, but not especially celebratory.

What I remember most clearly, and think is far more significant than the dreams themselves, is how I felt in that quasi-aware state as I began to wake up and wasn't entirely sure if I had dreamt or drank.

When I was very new, and in that fog thought I'd slipped, I remember thinking, "Shit, how am I going to keep this a secret?"  Until I realized I had been dreaming not drinking.

Eventually though, rather than feel like I had a secret, something to hide, what I felt was a sense of loss and fear and grief.

I went from trying to get away with it to mourning the loss of my sobriety.

I think that's the significant question to ask one's self:

Does the drinking dream entice or wound?  In that place of fog between the waking world and the dreaming one, when in those moments you aren't sure if you actually used, how do you feel?

That's the canary in the coal mine.

In my experience that's how you can tell if you're romancing the relapse -- and had better be very, very careful where you go and who you run with -- or have taken the 1st Step in at a gut level, and this is just your alcoholic mind messing with you.

I still occasionally have them -- though it is rare now, I confess.

And they can still rattle my cage; but I try not to read more into them than they deserve.

So if I had any suggestions to anyone who is suffering from them now, it would be to write about the dream, and how you felt on awakening.  Share about them with someone, so they don't have the gravity of being a secret.  Consider the context of what is happening in your recovery and your life -- my mind still seeks familiar forms of escape when I am going through big changes, or doing some psychic heavy lifting on a deeply rooted character defect.  Pay attention to them, but don't psych yourself out about them.

 

Sleep tight.