Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: 90 meetings in 90 days?

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

hello im a sober member of aa. i have a conflicting issue though. The whole 90 meetings in 90 days thing...ive read the big book which contains the steps and haven't seen it anywhere...ive also noticed that people hear that and walk right out of meetings ..its re occurring where i live...the reason i ask you this is because i had someone call me and say that if i don't do 90 in 90 will i relapse...thanks ur website is really great.

 

 

 

Well thanks for the kind words, Sober Member.

First off, you're right, the suggestion for someone to do '90 meetings in 90 days' is not in the Big Book -- nor is it in the 12 and 12 nor any other AA lit that I'm aware of (nice loophole, Mr. SP!).

As my first sponsor told me -- and I've told other people I sponsor -- that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is defined in the book from which our Fellowship takes its name.  What people in AA suggest you do, or try, should always be held up against what's mapped out in the book.  So your habit of checking input with the text is a good one.  If I were to make any suggestion at all to you it is to carry on with that good practice.

This whole 90-in-90 is, however, a common suggestion, made often to new people, or done by AA members with some time (one of my sponsees with double digit sobriety decided on their own to do it again) to either help establish a foundation, or to turn up the volume on the meeting experience; get a "booster shot" if you will, of AA medicine.  And there is much wisdom in the fellowship, based on our collective experience, outside of what the Big Book says.  So yes, check and see if something's in the book, but just because it's not doesn't immediately mean it's not helpful or worthwhile.  Common sense and feedback from others is a good filter for all AA direction.  (In my case of course, when I was new, I had zero common sense -- and I'm not sure I have much more today -- so I generally stick close to AA principle and direction from trusted spiritual advisers -- both in the form of sponsors and sober friends.)

(I have to confess to having a bit of an argument over this suggestion.  Some feel it means strictly that one goes to a meeting every day for 90 days.  That is the spirit of the suggestion, yes -- but if you've got a conflict on one day and making a meeting is especially difficult, going to two on another day can sort of "make up" the missed meeting.  I think it is unhealthy to be didactic about AA -- one should embrace the spirit of AA's suggestions, not just the letter of them.)

If you "don't do 90 in 90 you will relapse."  I can't say one way or the other.  There is more to sobriety than meeting attendance (though my sobriety isn't much without it, either.) 

People who hear that suggestion and "walk right out of meetings" would find a different reason to walk right out if they didn't hear that, I suspect -- some people are just looking for a reason to leave.  And that's out of my/your/our hands.  Do I think coming on too strongly can turn people off? Yes -- and in a number of places the Big Book addresses how that is not a helpful way to be in the context of 12th Step work (and what is a meeting if not always that, eh?).   

In your specific case, I would consider the source of the suggestion.  Is this a person who generally offers you good, calm, sober input?  Or are they perhaps a bit rigid or militant in their AA?  I often think of what the Big Book says when talking about how we should frame our sober sex lives -- that we should "avoid hysterical advice" and to (paraphrasing here) watch out for extremes of thinking.  That's a good way to process a lot of things, actually.

But alcoholism is serious business.  People may call AA a kind of self-help group, but that's not what it is to me.  It is a life-saving dose of medicine against my alcoholism -- it is a 24 hour reprieve each day which keeps sick thinking and profoundly self-destructive impulses at bay.

No matter who made the suggestion, or what you feel about them, maybe the universe is giving you a nudge?  What harm can it do to hit 90 meetings in 90 days?  Certainly it will be the aforementioned booster shot, and more importantly, rather than doing something for your sobriety, maybe it will give you the opportunity to do something for someone else's... and THAT is the best protection against relapse I know.

Good luck!

Mr. SponsorPants

 

so much anger

 

 

A number of emails -- angry emails -- about this post from just a couple of days past.

Some were scolding, some shaming (one particularly mocking), but all focused on the idea that saying one is an alcoholic is some sort of dodge -- a way to avoid responsibility for, well... everything.

No.

When I say I am an alcoholic -- and when I talk about not regretting the past -- what I mean is that I am not blaming myself for who and how I am; I am not reviewing my life in such a way as to compare myself to someone else (or to some mythical, idealized fantasy version of my past self) who is not an alcoholic.  I am not grieving (which can actually be, in this case, a form of self obsession, but let's not open that particular can of worms right now) all of the would-have's and should-have's.

But it is not any sort of free pass from taking responsibility for what I did while under the influence of alcohol -- or under the influence of my alcoholism.

 

every hour or two I need some or I start feeling sick...

 

From the comments section earlier this week:

I was wondering... I want to get sober but for many reasons treatment is not an option right now. I drink so heavily (every hour or two I need a some or I start feeling sick) that I'm afraid I may have a seizure if I quit cold turkey or too fast. Do you know if there's any way I can safely detox on my own? Do you have any tips for that?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

You are right.  You likely will have a seizure and/or suffer other dangerous, potentially life-threatening symptoms if, as you describe, you drink every hour or two and you cold-turkey it on your own.  (A level of alcohol intake which is perfectly plausible to someone like me, by the way.)

All I can offer you are these few thoughts:

With that level of alcohol intake you must have a medically supervised detox.  Your life is at stake.  So whatever "many reasons" there may be right now, what you are saying is that those reasons are more important than you continuing to live.  Your imminent death is second to whatever reasons are preventing you from seeking out some sort of medically supervised detox.

I urge you to consider that no matter what those reasons are, they are not more important than your life. 

Also, please consider that because you are drinking as much as you are your ability to assess how important those reasons are may be badly out of whack.

If the "reasons" are primarily financial, then perhaps this link will help:

 

http://www.ncadd.org/ 

 

That is the web site for the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence.

On their site you will see, on the top left, in purple, a "Get Help" clickable section tab.  Within it are ways to find local resources, and good advice (including, which might be right for you, the suggestion to go to a hospital emergency room).  I have very little direct experience with the NCADD, just one good interaction when I was very, very newly sober, but they might be a way to find a low or no-cost medically supervised detox if the barrier to treatment is a financial one.

And if the barrier is not financial... then whatever other reasons you may have which prevent you from seeking a treatment facility where you can be safely detoxed are illusions:  Ego, fear, pride, alcoholism -- and/or the chemically altered state of your brain -- working in concert to prevent you from making a healthy decision.

Alcohol in the body of an alcoholic triggers the phenomenon of craving, which keeps us drinking.  Thus it is very, very long odds for a real alcoholic to be able, on their own, to wean themselves off of alcohol.  It is also very dangerous for someone who is drinking to try and use any other medications -- or drugs in general -- on their own, to buffer or blunt the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.  To speak plainly, bong hits and valium in your own living room is not a safe or smart detox plan.  (Never mind that it's a bit like, as they used to say when I got sober, changing deck chairs on the Titanic.)

You know you are in trouble and you know you need help.  That is clear from the fact that you asked the question you did.

But I'm afraid this is the bottom line: "Safely" and "detox on your own" do not line up together.  To safely detox from intense alcohol intake you need some kind of medical supervision.  It doesn't have to be some grand, weeks long in-patient thing, but for the initial period of separation you need some hands on help.

God will have a hand in this if you ask for spiritual guidance, but to paraphrase what the Big Book says, God filled this world with Doctors and medical practitioners for us to use.

So use them.

 

Good luck, and please, do not delay.

 

 

Questions via Email: Resentment vs. Anger

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Is there a difference between Resentment and Anger?

L.

 

Dear L.

All horses are animals, but not all animals are horses, right?

All of my resentments have anger in them, but not all of my anger is what I have come to think of as a resentment.

For me, anger (that "dubious luxury of normal men") is a simple, clean emotion.  And, like all of my emotions, it can be healthy and even appropriate depending on what's going on -- it's the actions I take (or don't take) based on my emotions which define my recovery and my character.

Resentment, however, is a much more mental exercise.  For me yes, it is born of emotion -- usually my anger, maybe occasionally my fear -- but it's a head thing, not a heart or gut thing.  All of that thinking, that toxic stewing... I believe it's sourced by self obsession and fear.  It's dwelling on the anger -- reimagining the circumstances which led to it, fantasizing about making speeches or taking revenge, mentally assuming the role of victim or the mantle of martyr -- now we've got a resentment.

Thus, I think of it like this:

Anger + [Fear x Self Obsession] = Resentment.

 

Is it important to parse that out?  To distinguish between the two?  For me it can be, since (especially when I was new) I was prone to sorting my emotions into categories:  "Good" feelings and "Bad" feelings -- and the bad feelings were things I "wasn't supposed to" have... which led to self judgement... which fueled more self obsession and... dear God, it's busy in there sometimes, yes?

So it was a healthy development to give myself permission to feel angry, rather than bury it under layers of evaluation and mental masturbation about how I felt.

And this also seemed to help me let the anger pass through me; to release it (a little) more easily.

When I was drinking, and well into sobriety, the anger-to-resentment process took all of a nanosecond.  The two were virtually indistinguishable.  For me that's why writing is such an important tool in recovery, because it slows my thoughts down to the speed of a pen travelling across a page.  (Temporarily, anyway).  And whether it's resentment, anger, or some sick, twisted blending of fear, self obsession and rage, I am still best served by writing an inventory and looking for my part in the equation.

 

Hope that helps.

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: 3 Part Disease?

 

 

Dear Mr. SP,

I'm new. I hear all the time that it's a 3 part disease but I'm not sure I know what that means. Please don't tell me to look in the Big Book.  Can you please just tell me?

 

Wondering

 

Dear Wondering,

You know, I sponsored someone once who just couldn't understand the Big Book.  It's not that they weren't smart, nor did they lack for willingness.  It's just that they weren't much of a reader, English was their least favorite subject in school (actually, I think school was their least favorite subject in school) and then to top it all off the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (the aforementioned "Big Book") was written in 1938/9, so it's full of early 20th Century slang (like "... the goose hung high..." and "... lest I burst through my window, sash and all..." and "the remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row, and I became a lone wolf."  That last one, by the way, is important if you're new and beginning to identify with some of what you hear in meetings...)  They wanted to read the book, but they needed me to sort of translate it for them.  As intelligent as the were -- and they were -- they couldn't take that writing in with any real comprehension themselves.

All of which is to say that, in my humble opinion there are two kinds of people who have a problem with the Big Book:  The Wont's -- who have issues with sloth, willingness and rebellion (hello... er... almost everybody) and the Cant's (hello... er... almost everybody else). 

So today I'll think of you in the Can't camp and I won't parse out a clever, snarky little anecdote which ultimately scolds you and then tells you to go to the Big Book...

...

...

...

>>>Mr. SponsorPants makes Herculean effort to restrain himself<<<

...

...

...

...(dear God, I think I just pulled something)...

since that's probably not very helpful to you (but damned fun to write, I must confess).

 

In an effort to not drown you in words and information I'll try to keep this bare bones.  I'll just give you what I understand this 3 Part business to mean:

 

Alcoholism is a three-fold disease:  Body, mind and spirit.  Physical, mental and spiritual is how it is also often spoken about.

When an alcoholic ingests alcohol, there is a physically rooted craving for more which is triggered. That's the "body" part of the disease.  Today's medical technology can map brain activity and give a diagnosis around addiction which talks about "serotonin production" and "serotonin uptake" and some other cool stuff, but for you and me, the word "craving" can serve as a perfectly accurate label for the hard science.  And just to be clear, a "craving" is not just a fancy way of saying "I want" -- we're not talking about the desire to keep your buzz going once you start drinking.  We're talking about a literally physically driven reaction to the alcohol separate from the high and different from just the generally lowered inhibitions alcohol engenders.  The difference between a desire and a craving is like the difference between a wave and a tsunami.  There are some similarities, but one of them is always going to be irresistible.

And no matter how horrible the consequences of their drinking becomes, an alcoholic is not able to use the idea, or the memory, or the thought of those consequences to influence our decision making enough to prevent us from eventually picking up a drink all over again -- and then triggering that physically rooted craving.  On the most basic level that's the mental part of the disease.

The spiritual part of the disease refers to the staggering level of self-involvement (bordering on narcissism) that most alcoholics have.  Life is not all about us; life is all about us. Every relationship and event is viewed through a backwards and distorted lens -- like how in ancient times people thought the Sun revolved around the Earth, alcoholics believe everything revolves in some way around us.

Thus it is the one-two punch from the self-centeredness of the spiritual aspect and the (sometimes-but-not-always-willful) blind spot of the mental element which keeps most alcoholics on a cycle of drinking which, in both my observation and personal experience, never seems to lead to a healthy, happy, fulfilling life.

 

That help?

 

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

 

Questions via Email: Amends - Will telling someone I gossiped about them cause more harm?

 

Mr. Sponsor pants,

So I have a tendency to vent when things get frustrating at work and then feel as though I have gossiped and talked behind the person's back.  Do I owe them an amends for that?  Would bringing that up not bring more harm?

Thanks,

B

Dear B,

First, let's get everybody up to speed.  For the new kids, here is the Step which deals with amends:

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Huh, ok. Pretty straightforward.  But which "such people"?  To get clear on that, we have to look at Step 8:

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Okay, so you're right on the money with your question and what the Steps suggest, B.  You are wondering if you've caused harm, you're willing to make the amends if you have, but you're wary of causing more harm if you talk about what you've done.

Well certainly if you go up to Suzy Creamcheese and tell her that because she's always late with the Widgets Report you get frustrated, and then talk about it with Penelope down in Supplies and Acquisitions, you will cause harm to yourself.  Since Suzy, even if she is gracious about it, will not look at you the same way, and the next time there's a deadline for a report on Widgits there will be a bit of a charge in the air, that's for sure.

Unfortunately, harm to ourselves is not a criteria we use to determine whether direct ammends are warranted.  (And I wouldn't be the first alcoholic in recovery to sigh and murmur, "would that it were.")  But of course it is the pain (embarrassment) we sometimes feel when making the direct amends which helps us to change our behavior in the future.

(And it is with chagrin I report that sometimes I have not done something because I have looked at the person I would have to make direct amends to and thought, "Oh, HELL no.  I am not willing to make direct amends to that ... Great Spiritual Teacher of mine."  Which is of course the punch line, since then they really are great spiritual teachers for me.)

But I want to say here that I agree with your concern.  Even though it will make you look bad, it will potentially harm Ms. Creamcheese, since your admission will make the workplace less safe.  And if you do determine that your amends includes talking to Suzy, then you need to leave Penelope out of it.  The amends to Suzy would begin with "I'm sorry, but I have been gossiping about you." not "I'm sorry, but I have been gossiping about you with Penelope." 

And an amends is hardly just a confession of sorts.  Nor is it just an apology.  It is a sincere attempt to make things right.  To balance the scales.  (Which sadly, does not mean you get to dish the dirt on Penelope and her most recent peccadillo with Mortimer over in Accounts Payable to Suze.  That's not the kind of balancing the scales AA suggests.)

Whether you speak to the person you gossiped about or not, the real focus of this amends is about committing not to gossip anymore.  We right a wrong and we change our behavior (hello Steps 6, 7 & 10).

There is an inherent free pass alcoholics love to give ourselves (all people do it, but we're Master Class at it) -- the logic goes like this:  When I get frustrated, then I gossip.  When I get scared, then I lie.  When I feel neglected then I cheat.  It's like we go from explanation of why something happens to pre-approval that, under certain conditions it's going to happen.  (And is it crazy to suggest that then, at some level we create the condition which permits this behavior because we get something else out of doing it?  No, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, no, I say it is not at all crazy to suggest that! >bangs hand upon the table<  Sorry, I've been talking to a young woman at work about her reading assignment, "To Kill A Mocking Bird" and now we're all talking like lawyers in old movies as we work, so apparently its seeping into my writing.  Just be glad you can't see me.  The other day I declared it was Modern Dance Day at work, and everyone had to find a way to either point their toes or use jazz hands while they were helping Guests.  Such is the way I fight drudgery and counteract mean customers and cutbacks in staffing levels.  But as usual, I digress.)

I suspect that the amount of harm you may already have caused is dependant on the kind of gossip you indulged in.  If you were just being a bitchy little weasel, dissing Ms. Creamcheese for her general lack of getting things to you on time (or whatever) then maybe not.  But if what you were saying or whom you were saying it to could have a real, substantive impact on someone's future at work then that is something more serious, and you should give careful consideration to how to make that right.

It's hard to give you one clear suggestion without details to weigh potential harm against the context of what was said and to whom, and greater harm(s) which could follow; but you are right, I think some harm -- mental and emotional harm -- will come to the person you gossiped about if you tell them what you did (regularly do?).

The other thing about gossip in general -- and it's the thing people who gossip chronically never seem to realize -- is that you make the world (or work, or the AA meeting, or whatever) more hostile and less safe for yourself when you gossip, since when you feel vulnerable or are afraid or have to take a risk when saying something in a group it's all too easy to focus on the idea that people will talk -- and not in a nice way.  It's real for you because you live in it.  People who don't gossip are generally far less concerned about the idea that people might. 

I guess the lesser known AA adage, "when in doubt, do nothing" might be the best course for the moment -- so long as that's not an excuse -- and only you can answer that by looking inside.

Regardless, in my experience it is these small, petty, mean-spirited behaviors which I can indulge in that thwart my ongoing spiritual growth -- and that's nothing to be dismissive about since the Big Book suggests -- and I believe -- that people drink because they fail to enlarge their spiritual lives -- and this is exactly the kind of behavior which works against that healthy growth.  I suspect just from your brief email and your understanding of the Steps that you are in general a better person than this, that you have some genuine remorse and some real concern about this behavior.  That's good.  Armed with those things, willingness and some spiritual assistance you can absolutely make the right decision about this particular amends and also work to make a significant change in how you deal with the need to vent.

When the impulse to gossip comes up in me I try to remember the Eleanor Roosevelt quote:

Stings a little, doesn't it.

That's good.  It should.

Pain is the touchstone of our spiritual growth.

Get busy.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

Questions via Email: Pain Medication post-surgery

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I have some surgery coming up.  I really have to have it, and the recovery is supposed to be very painful.  I'm in my second year of sobriety and I'm really worried about taking pain medication.  Should I tell my doctor I'm an alcoholic?  Won't that then be on my record somehow?  If I take the pain medication will I relapse?

In Pain and In Fear

 

Dear IPIF,

I completely understand your concerns -- surgery can be scary, knowing you're going to be in great physical pain is scary, and the idea you might spin out of control and relapse after putting in all the hard work you have to get clean and sober... man, that is REALLY scary.

First, remember this:  No points are awarded for needless suffering. 

People take medicine before and after serious medical procedures.  It's often an important part of their recovery in fact.  Being in extreme pain can actually work against your healing properly.

If it were me, I would take the pain medication...

BUT...

I would tell my doctor that I am an alcoholic.  (Whenever the subject of medication comes up -- or whenever they're doing anything which measures my liver function, I tell my doctor I'm an alcoholic).  Will it get on my "record?"  Maybe.  It is the age of Information after all.  But I'm more concerned with staying sober than my file being flagged as an addict (not to mention, if you relapse it's just as likely you'll get a record of some other kind).

Not all doctors have the same understanding about addiction, but I would still speak up.  And I would ask about the different pain medications available, and request a non-narcotic one if at all possible.

Also, when it comes to taking medicine, what I do with sponsees who have been in similar situations is I suggest they make a log and record exactly when they take each pill.  This is so that people don't confuse themselves:  "Wait, did I take one at 1:30? Oh my God, I took one three hours ago not four! Did I relapse? I relapsed! Oh my God!  Wait... did I?"  What a wicked, horrible head trip to put yourself on -- especially when you're in physical pain and already not too clear.  A log keeps you honest and prevents you from psyching yourself out.

Another idea is to have someone else whom you trust hold the medicine for you and give you your pills/dose/whatever on a schedule, so you don't even have to think about it.  While not everyone's life allows for that I've known a number of people in recovery handle this issue that way, too, and it worked very well for them.

Addicts take drugs whenever and however we feel like it; but patients take medicine as prescribed, on a schedule, following all directions from the doctor, the pharmacist and on the bottle of medication.  In this instance you're a patient.  (And in recovery, when we don't need the medicine any more, if there is any left over, we flush it.)

This is an opportunity in your sobriety to do that horrible, awful, excrutiatingly painful thing -- that thing which is quite probably even more painful than your medical issue or your post-surgery recovery:  Admit you need help.  You don't have to manage this issue alone -- and you probably shouldn't.  In my life, God works best through other people, so when I'm in trouble, the more peeps I have working on Team SponsorPants the better.  Give your Higher Power some resources to work with by asking for help and accepting it. 

As I said before, I really, truly understand your concerns, but I want to assure you, you absolutely can, one day at a time -- one hour at a time, if need be -- stay sober through this.  Talk about it with your support group, get help, set yourself up to be clear with what you're taking, and make sure the medical professionals involved understand your situation.  Try not to spend a lot of time alone while you're convalescing -- even when I'm at my best, a lot of time alone with my head is probably not the greatest plan for me.

Good luck, and get well soon.

 

Mr. SponsorPants

 

Questions via Email: The fastest way to become willing

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What is the fastest way to become willing?

Thanks for the blog!

Curious and willful

 

Dear C&W,

Suffer.

More to the point, suffer the pain of your own willfulness, ego, stubbornness and inflexibility.

Suffer the consequences of your actions.

Repeatedly.

In my experience it is eventually possible to get there without all the spiritual bloodshed... but for me the fastest path to Willing is the pain train.

(Of course, the scariest part is that just because it is the fastest doesn't mean it's actually very fast.)

Your other choice is to pray.

Up to you.

Cheers!

Questions via Email: AA makes me want to drink (I think)

 

 

Hi Mr. Sponsorpants,

I just came back from a very lovely, cosy AA meeting in my home city in the UK.   Nice people, comfy chairs.  I am definitely an alcoholic.  No doubt.  Stayed sober for 3 months without much hassle.  Relapsed 2 weeks ago for a few eventful days, most of which I can’t remember.  When sober, 90% of the time I don’t even think about drinking.  After an AA meeting, listening to people talking about drinking, drinking, drinking, Alcohol, as soon as I get home, I have a huge urge to drink.  I am scared not to go to meetings because according to the old timers, I will drink.  I am scared to go to the meetings because from experience, after  meetings I want to drink.  (not always but more often than not I think about it)

 Maybe I am making my sobriety much tougher than necessary thinking that it depends on AA.  We are all made of different components.  Could it be counter effective for some of us?  The truth please!

 Regards,

 T

 

Dear T,

First off... comfy chairs?  What the hell?  I've been sitting on dreadful folding metal chairs (about as comfortable as something purchased at a waterboarding equipment after-market sale) for all these years!  You have comfy chairs in your UK meetings?  Damn you, Sir or Madame!  Damn you and your comfy chairs all to hell!

Now then, about AA being "counter effective" for some of us.  Us as in "real alcoholics" us?  And you want the truth?

The truth is that I am not an expert.  I have no idea.  I'm not dodging your question nor am I trying to conceal some Hidden Truth we long timers in AA learn after getting our 20 year chip (God, it would be so cool if AA had some kind of cabalistic Hidden Truth you get to after a while.  I imagine it would be concealed in a Codex entitled "The Secret Writings of Lois Wilson" and to access it you must face Akron, Ohio at 12:12am and place your 20 year chip against the indentation at the top of the ... no.  Wait.  Isn't that a scene from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"?)

The truth is... maybe.  I suppose it's possible.

As I'm sure you know, one of the things about the mental component of alcoholism is that it seems to cloud our thinking to the point where drinking, regardless of what has happened to us when we drank before, appears to be a good idea again.  So in my experience, when people say "if you don't go to AA you're going to drink" that is because that has proven true for them -- or they believe it to be true for them.  (I believe that is true for me.)  In other words, AA helps them (me) remember what happens when I drink (that's only one facet of course, and a bit of a simplification, but it will do for now).

But the spirit of this idea is that, if you have the disease of alcoholism you will not be able to stay sober on your unaided willpower alone.  Without something to help you stay sober the consequences of what happens when you pick up a drink will not be present in your mind with enough force to deter you from going ahead and picking up a drink again.  Just like if you had any other chronic medical condition you would need help and medicine to treat it -- you couldn't just conquer it with your will.  "It seems that I have asthma.  But you know what?  The next time I feel an asthma attack coming on I'm just going to decide to breathe normally!  That's all.  I mean, I'm breathing normally now, right?  In fact, I breathe normally 90% of the time."  Yeah, good luck with that plan. 

So... is there "something else" which can help you stay sober, other than AA?  There are certainly lots of people who are anti-AA out there, and they make for a strong presence in some corners of the Internet.  I confess I've not read every single word of what they've written (and saying "they" is painting with a ridiculously broad brush, I grant you) but while there is tremendous intensity and a lot of detailed critique in their negative feelings about AA, in my cursory examination I've not seen a lot of actual, specific suggestions about how to stay sober beyond "just don't drink."  And again, I want to stress that information may be there and I just haven't really seen it.

For me there are degrees of thinking about drinking.  The thought of a drink can occur, but I don't have to invite it to sit down (in a comfy chair!) and put its feet up, serve it a cuppa and chat it up for a while.  Thinking is not necessarily the desire.  And the desire is not the same as the obsession.  Are you indulging these thoughts, T?  When you get home from the meeting and you start thinking about drinking do you call anyone?  Write?  Pray?  Jog?  Eat?  Anything? 

AA works for me.  When I hear people talk about drinking in meetings it is not a glorification so much as a description which I can identify with -- and not just with the drinking but with the inevitable slide downwards which accompanies it (in whatever form that takes).

But AA is a lot more than sitting in a comfy chair (damn you!) and listening to people's stories. 

Big Book?  Steps?  Sponsor?  Hello?

The general consensus from an awful lot of corners (medical, psychiatric, religious, 12 Step, etc.) is that some kind of ongoing assistance is pretty important for an addict if they want to stay clean.

All I have is your email to work from, but you seem to minimize the fact that you were pretty much in a blackout for 72 hours.  I wouldn't presume to agree with you that you're an alcoho -- oh, the hell with that, I certainly will presume it.  A 72 hour blackout, T?  A few "eventful days" as you so coyly describe it?  Just puttering around the garden shed were we, and lost track of time?

Please.

It is good -- no, it's great -- that you say "I am definitely an alcoholic.  No doubt."  That certainty is a solid beginning.  But there's a reason there are 12 Steps.  It's not a one step program.  Or, to drag that damned Big Book into it again, "self knowledge avails us nothing."  Knowing you're an alcoholic is not nearly enough to help you stay sober.  Just like knowing you have fair skin and sunburn easily will not actually prevent you from getting a sunburn.

There are 12 Steps because it is a process.  Just like to make a cake a recipe might have 7 steps, to make a spiritual experience of the AA variety requires an alcoholic to take all 12 Steps.  And without a spiritual experience -- a "psychic upheaval" as Dr. Jung called it -- (be it gradual or the more rare thunderbolt kind) according to AA, and the personal experience of many people who have come to AA -- and my own personal experience -- staying sober is a bit of a longshot for a real alcoholic.

I would urge you to try all of the AA program before you decide it's not for you.

I would urge you to bring an uncomfortable folding metal chair to your meetings and sit in it.  I doubt it will do anything to help you stay sober, but why should I be the only one suffering.

Are you "making your sobriety tougher than necessary thinking it depends on AA?"

I have no idea.

I don't know if AA is counter effective for you.

All I can tell you is that it has definitely worked for me.

Try going without it, and if you're fairly happy and don't have any more 72 hour blackouts then I guess you were right, and we'll both have learned something.

You'll forgive me, I hope, if I let you learn that lesson on your own, rather than join you.

 

Good luck,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: Unwanted attention from an "older" (long term sobriety) member

 

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants,

I have been attending AA since late 2010. As of today I am working towards six months of sobriety and the obsession has been lifted. I look forward to AA meetings and attend at least one a day. I am a woman and lately I've been finding myself not going to certain meetings in order to avoid certain men. One in particular. He has long-term sobriety so I thought I could trust him. But when I took a chip recently he bought me jewelery. I accepted the gift in the moment because other people were around, but I have no intention of keeping it and am waiting for a good time to return it - but I don't want to see him in a social situation so it is looking like returning them after a meeting is my only option. I don't know how to do this though. I feel like by taking them I have led him on. My sponsor said just to return them and to tell him that his gift was inappropriate. While that is true, it is easier said than done for me - especially since weeks have gone by. He texts me almost daily (I know - how did he get my number? my sponsor asked the same question. All I can say is that he caught me off guard and in that moment I thought that since he was a respected member, I could trust him) and he waits for me after every meeting to give me a hug. It makes me really uncomfortable - both because what he is doing is completely inappropriate (I'm far too early in my sobriety and he knows that and is likely preying upon it on some level) and because the thought of having to tell him to leave me alone (I've tried just ignoring him, but it hasn't worked) causes me great anxiety. My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself. I have a great home group which I am very comfortable at, but I am thinking of trying other meetings around the city simply to avoid this situation (how alcoholic of me!).....any advice would be much appreciated!

 

Thank you for your time,

C.

 

Dear C,

You did a great job outlining a difficult situation, and it sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders.  An alcoholic head, sure, or meetings might not click for you the way they do, but a good one none-the-less.

You already have your answer, C -- and you know it.  And while I do not think God gives us "lessons" like some pinch lipped prarie school marm, I do believe that we are presented with situations which are actually opportunities to do what we need to so we can grow as we're meant to.  So this: "My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself" positively shouts to me that the Little Voice inside we all strive to tune in to is, in this case, being received loud and clear by you.

I have some specific suggestions (of course!) and some things you might want to consider (don't I always!).

This guy is in the wrong.  What he is doing is absolutely not good AA -- bad for you -- and terrible for him  Ultimately the harm he does himself in this is far greater -- but there's no fool like an old fool.  In no way am I minimizing your uncomfortability or what is clearly a level of attention that has mixed and murky motives, but it's worth reminding ourselves that people can be chatty and social on the outside and very lonely inside.  While it's possible for any person to be blind to their real motives, alcoholics are especially skilled at "hiding a bad motive under a good one" as it says in the 12&12 -- and quite often hiding them from ourselves, first.  Life is rarely a Lifetime movie, and one sorry, besotted old fool does not a full-on stalker/predator make.  (Yes, I know it could make one.  But that doesn't mean it will make one.)

So if you try and bring some compassion to bear in how you view him and what he's doing -- and this is NOT an excuse for him, merely something to consider -- seeing these actions as born of loneliness and fear might help you in speaking up to him and drawing some boundaries.  I understand fear because I have dealt with it so much -- thus, when I need to deal with someone who at first makes me uncomfortable, if I can identify what about their behavior is driven by their fear, it makes approaching them a little easier, as they go from kind of scary-bad to a little sorry-sad.

I don't see any error on your part when it comes to him having your phone number or you not being quick to return his gift.  Dear God, girl, you're a walking miracle, in the beginning of your sobriety, going to meetings and trying to build a foundation in recovery!  A little foot dragging on something that would be difficult for anyone to handle is completely natural.

But... now you are clear in what you need to do.  You need to return the gift and tell him that the level of attention he is showing you is not okay with you.

The time for the dragging of the feet is over.

So you bring the jewelery to the meeting and tell him you need to speak to him.  No more dithering about when you're going to do it or how to meet him.  Part of the problem is he's around more than you want.  Meeting him is hardly the issue.

You return the gift and you say "Thank you, but I cannot and I will not accept this gift.  It is too much and I am not at all comfortable keeping it."  Rehearse it a couple of times so you can say it with some force.  Gentle force, but force.  No err or um between the words and no apology in your tone.  When he tries to insist you keep it just play the  broken record and repeat it until he "gets" it.  And if he doesn't, then set the gift on a chair or table and let it go.  If it becomes a game of "I won't take it so you have to keep it" just opt out, and set it down.

And now comes the leap of faith.  One of the best things I learned in AA was that the truth will protect you.

So tell him the truth.

"I'm not comfortable with the amount of attention you're giving me.  All the texts, all the waiting for me after meetings -- it's starting to affect my comfortability in the rooms.  I know the hand of AA will always be there for me, but as far as 12th step work goes, I need it to be a woman's hand for right now."

Yes, you feel anxiety over saying this, but it will be fantastic for you if you take a deep breath and do it.

You don't have to do it alone.  Ask your sponsor to be there, as quiet support, if you like -- or some other gal in the rooms.  Ask them to let you be the one talking, you're not asking them to speak for you, just to be there -- or nearby even -- as moral support. 

And, as they told me when facing a scary situation, bring God with you.  God will give you the words and handle this interaction if you invite God into it.  Remember, this guy has a Higher Power too.  He may be embarrassed or angry or confused.  He might feel this way or that.  None of that is your problem.  This is your opportunity, not your lesson and not your problem:  To speak up for yourself in an environment which it is safe to do so and with ready support at hand. 

Just because AA's can be a huggy group doesn't mean you are required to hug everyone -- or anyone.  Just hold up one hand when someone comes in to give you a hug and say "wait.  I'm in a handshaking place today." 

If some people are offended or give you flack, that's on them.  Most people will not.  And you can hug some and not others. 

Claim your Home Group, claim your meeting, as yours.  (Not yours exclusively, obviously, but yours for sure.)

There will be some anxiety.  Some awkwardness at times for a bit, too.

But your sobriety, your life, is more important than his -- or anyone's -- feelings.

You can do this with grace and do this well.  It's the right thing for you to do, and his unwanted attention has in some ways made him a great spiritual teacher for you.

C., if you can stay sober for as many days as you have then there is nothing in this you can't handle.  You don't have to rely on your own power -- just rely on your Higher Power and all will go as it should.

Faith.  Courage -- I know it's a lot easier for me to rattle these things off than it is to look someone in the eye and say them, but you can do it.

Good luck, and please, by all means, let me know how it goes.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants