Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Starting out

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've come to recognize I can't stop this alone, and there is a meeting every week at night at a church very near where I live.  What do I do?  Just walk in, sit down and listen?  Is once a week enough to realize results?  I'm nervous and scared of what to expect, but my current level of drinking is unsustainable.  If I get up the courage to go, what should I expect?

 

Starting Out

 

 

Dear Starting Out,

I want you to imagine that you've never been in a bar, and you asked me to describe for you what it will be like when you walk in your first bar.  I'd be able to say that generally, all bars have certain things in common.  There's the actual, physical bar, which you can usually sit at and also is the place to order drinks.  There may be tables with chairs, and/or a dance floor.  There will certainly be a bartender, maybe more than one.  Possibly servers, maybe some security.  There could be live music, or a dj, or an old school jukebox.  The patrons might be a diverse group or very similar, friendly or flirty or mostly keeping to themselves.  Having maybe been to a bar or two in your life (wink!) you can easily see how the answer to such a question is, strangely, both general and specific.

The broadest answer to your question is a lot like the answer to my hypothetical example above.  That is, almost all meetings have a few things in common.  You can usually expect that there will be a focus to the meeting -- meaning, it might be a speaker/discussion, or a book study of some kind, or a meeting which examines the 12 Steps in some way.  There's usually a written format, often a speaker, generally a secretary who helps organize things and, while responsible for helping the meeting to function is not actually in charge in the traditional sense.  You may find seats arranged in a circle, or classroom style.  Generally in my experience, regardless of the kind of meeting or the city I've been in, people are usually pretty friendly, and someone will probably introduce themselves to you, and ask your name.  If you tell them this is your first meeting -- and I encourage you to be as honest as possible right from the start -- someone may offer you a meeting directory, or the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (what is usually referred to as our "Big Book), and may introduce you to people.  If the meeting has readings you might be asked to read one -- or you might not.  None of this is done to make you uncomfortable, but is more a practice of trying to make you feel welcome and "a part of" the group.

Given that there is a mental component to alcoholism which is constantly trying to talk us out of getting help for our disease, sometimes AA members with good intentions can come on a little strong to new people, mostly due to their own experiences with the struggle to get sober.  These extra-enthusiastic folks might seem a bit intense, but I assure you that it is only because they know too well how serious addiction is.  Based on your email, Starting Out, I can tell you have a glimmer of understanding about that.  Conversely, it is also true that when we're new some of us are a little hypersensitive, and it's not that people are coming on too strong, it's that we're tender and adrift without a drink in our hands.  Either way I pray you give the people in the meeting a chance.  It might seem strange, there could be lingo which feels alien or hokey to your ears.  Some people might talk about God (and you do NOT need to believe in God to make a start in Alcoholics Anonymous.  You can remain on the fence about God -- or choose not to believe -- for as long as it is right for you -- which might mean many years, or you may not be troubled by this element.  AA only suggests you find a Power Greater than yourself -- eventually to many of us that is God, but it's okay if that's not where you are with it.)

People usually identify when they speak; they usually say "I'm so-and-so, and I'm an alcoholic" and it is a general custom for people to respond, "Hi so-and-so."  The roots of this are from the need for people to be honest with themselves about their condition and also to be friendly and help people feel welcome.  You are not required to do anything you don't want to do, but the more you participate the more you might get out of the experience -- so don't be thrown by this, and if you're asked to introduce yourself you can say out loud that you're an alcoholic (if that's what you believe) or just say your name or say you're name and say that you're just here to listen. 

Can you get results from going to AA once a week?

Well, let me ask you, can you get results from going to the gym once a week? 

I would suggest that once a week is a little light when it comes to treating alcoholism.  I can absolutely tell you my experience is that I needed a good number of meetings for a good long while to help me stay sober.  My dead sponsor -- he who's wise counsel I miss every single day -- used to sqint through his cigarette smoke, sip his espresso and say to me, "Did you drink every day?" and I would be forced to answer, "Pretty much.  Yeah."  Then he would nod and say, "Then what's your [expletive] problem about going to a meeting every day?"  It would have taken a better man than I to balk at his dire glare and dry tone.

Now, Starting Out, I hope the above helps you feel like you know what to expect, and thus makes it a little easier to walk through the door, but the simplest answer to your email is this:

Yes, just walk in, sit down, and listen.  No one can make you do anything, you can leave at any time.  No one is judging you.  Sure, they're people, with the attendant foibles of any group of people, but they are people gathered to share their experience in being drinkers like you, and to talk about how the solution AA offers is helping them stay sober -- and part of that solution is sharing it with other people, and they'll be more than happy toshare it with you if you let them.

There is a basket that is passed, but if you're short of cash no one will think anything of you not putting anything in.  Most people have been there -- especially when they're new.  You might get some phone numbers, so when you're afraid you're going to drink you can call someone and talk it through.  Yes, this sounds appalling, to call a virtual stranger and ask for help about such a thing, but if you do you'll actually be helping them tremendously, since you'll help them get out of their head and be of service to you for a little bit -- and that is actually a life saving thing for most of us, self obsessed as we are.

AA is the best thing that ever happened to me, Starting Out, and I credit it with helping me become the man I am today -- and, for the most part, I'm pretty happy with the result.  With the kind of drinking I used to do, and the things I used to do when loaded, or trying to get loaded, or trying to recover from getting loaded -- well, AA uses the word miracle a lot, and for the most part it feels pretty apt when I look at my life today.

Don't wait for the time you're not nervous or afraid -- that time might never come.  Go anyway, despite the fear.  I'm not sure of exactly what you'll find, but the one thing I can guarantee is that you will find people who truly understand.

Walk in, sit down and listen.

And despite having a terrible illness which will try every trick in the book from preventing you from doing so, you might just save your life.

Say a little prayer. "Help! Help! Help!" is good enough to probably get you through the door.

I'll say one for you too.

Good luck.

 

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

Questions via Email: I secretly think small AA meetings are a waste of time

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I live in [a major city] and am blessed with many AA meetings to attend. Some of them are quite large.  I like the energy in these large meetings and feeling like I am a part of something big.

I have [a lot of time] but I have a guilty secret about meetings.  It's not a big deal but it does get under my skin.  Before I tell you, let me say I know it is fear and ego but I can't seem to make any headway on this.

Sometimes when I go to an AA meeting if it is small I feel like it is a waste of time and because of that I sometimes leave early.  If I am asked to Chair a meeting and it is small I secretly feel like I am wasting my time.  Praying and writing have not helped much yet.

I like your thinking on a lot of AA (but some of your ideas I do not agree with at all).  Can you share anything which might help?

Meeting Judger

 

Dear Judger,

Maybe you've heard this one before.  Maybe it will help you think about this differently:

A man was vacationing by the seashore.  He had been working hard and long and was greatly looking forward to a holiday of sun and sand, so on his very first day of vacation he was up early, almost the crack of dawn, and decided to go for a walk on the beach.

He strolled along the water's edge, savoring the morning.  It was so early he was nearly the only person up and out, save for a few lone joggers in the distance.  He watched the waves fling themselves onto the shore and then recede, and as he walked he noticed the water mark and, comparing it to where the waves were striking, decided that the tide was going out.

He paused and closed his eyes, tasting the salt in the air and feeling the sun upon his face.  Early as it was he could feel its strength, and knew it would eventually be a scorching hot day.

Resuming his stroll he noticed, just a short ways down the beach, a number of objects in the sand, near the edge of the receding waves.  It didn't look like trash exactly... he walked a bit faster, propelled by curiosity, and drew close enough to see what it was.

Starfish.

Many starfish, dozens and dozens, maybe hundreds even, lying in the damp sand, feeling the last touch of the sea as the waves' reach diminished under the cyclical pull of their eternal mistress -- invisible for now -- the Moon.

He looked at all the starfish, both beautiful and ugly in the way of some things, with their cartoon symmetry and their strange, almost prehistoric skin, bumpy and golden in the increasingly hot sun.  Some few were low enough on the tide line to be pulled back into the sea, but most of the others were too high, and would soon die in the baking heat of the oncoming day.

Maybe it was Nature's way, but he couldn't just walk by and leave them to their fate.  He began picking them up and flinging them back into the sea, as far as he could

Unnoticed till now, one of the lone joggers in the distance had reached him and, watching for a moment, asked the man what he was doing.

"Well," the man said, pausing, "if I just leave them, they'll die."

The jogger looked down the beach at the number of starfish.  "There's no way you can save them all.  I mean, ultimately, what difference does it make?"

The man cocked his head and looked at the jogger, then looked down at the starfish in his hand before giving it a mighty throw back into the sea.

"Made a difference to that one."  He said, continuing on.

 

 

Questions via Email: Lightning Round 2

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Since I've stopped drinking I am having awful muscle tension in my body.  Is it possible that I am now feeling all the physical tension that I used to drink away?

A.M.

Dear A.M.,

Listen, it's always best to get advice from a medical professional for any physical ailments with real symptoms which you describe.  And, although I am not an expert in anything but drinking (I'm a freaking Mozart when it comes to drinking and using drugs) my experience in getting sober, and as a sponsor, is that our body chemistry is severely whacked when we stop and also during detox -- and for a while after, for that matter; so perhaps a qualified nutritionist is also a wise person to consult.  With all that said, yeah, sure, that sounds like a very reasonable theory to me.  Ruling out some other physical issue, when you remove your stress-coping mechanism then it seems plausible you're going to have symptoms -- sometimes physical ones -- resulting from the pressure build up.  I won't be flip and toss off some simplistic, sarcastic aside about deep breathing and prayer and meditation -- from your email (which I just pulled this question out of to address first) I know you are not unfamiliar with the Steps and have both willingness some very good insight.  You are probably trying those Step 11 stress busting tools now.  I would just encourage you to remember that those things, while they are real and substantive and have a proven track record of results, can take time to develop as a practice.  Stay the course, it DOES work.  (And if at all possible in your situation, a long hot bath and a cup of tea is also going to be a big help).

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Is using Viagra a slip?

D.

Dear D.,

No.  In my opinion as long as you are using ANY medication AS PRESCRIBED BY A QUALIFIED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL then how can that be a relapse of any kind?  We are not a dogmatic religious movement -- we are a course of treatment -- that has a spiritual basis, which throws people a little, I'll give you that -- with a special focus on how to address the mental issues which allow addicts to minimize the consequences of their using and thus keep picking up.  Now, if I had to guess, your question is prompted because you are not treating erectile dysfunction with viagra as much as you are adding a little boost to your already adequate blood flow.  I still don't think that's a relapse.  BUT, for my brand of sobriety, using something outside myself to enhance an experience -- to make something more fun -- is not a wise part of yourself to indulge.  You need it? Use it.  You merely want it?  Proceed with caution -- but not because you're being "bad."  Proceed with caution because you are dancing into a gray area involving chemical use and pleasure -- and if there's one thing an addict's tracking mechanism is going to home in on it is the relationship between those two things.  Here's something to consider -- a litmus test if you will:  If you find one day that you are more excited by the idea of taking the pill than you are by the idea of having sex then I think you have officially drifted into the danger zone.  But till then, don't let this be a secret -- secrets fuel self obsession -- tell someone in the recovery part of your life (other than the person you are boinking, if there is overlap there) that you trust and keep yourself in fit spiritual condition.  If you do that you'll probably be fine.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

There is an old timer in my Home Group who is so "out there" that they are really a problem, and I am afraid that they are turning Newcomers off from AA.  Have you ever had someone like that in your "The Rooms" for you and what did you do?

V. W.

Dear V. W.,

Are you kidding?  I meet someone like that every morning in my bathroom!  It takes everything I've got to tolerate him sometimes.  And I live alone! (bah-dump-bump)

 Okay, seriously... yes, sure, I have over the years had concerns that some wacky Bleeding Deacon type was taking up so much "space" in the room that new people might be discouraged from finding what I had discovered in AA.  One time (years ago) I spoke to the person.  I was careful in the words I chose and came from a place of love and respect.  They told me to go eff myself, shared at me from the lectern and continued doing exactly what they were doing.  So I started another meeting and let God sort out who walked in which door.  In other situations over the years I have sometimes raised my hand and shared my experience when they pontificated (duelling pontifications! fun at parties!  not!), to provide a different voice in the room.  I find that when people complain about someone in a 12 Step Meeting being too much they are rarely taking an active role in the meeting to counter-balance the person upsetting them.  (I'm not talking about getting into a pissing contest with someone.  I'm talking about being a visible, demonstrable example -- including sharing -- of what you want people to find in the rooms of AA.)  Is this you, V.W.? Are you upset but passive, hoping someone else will solve the problem?  Maybe that's not fair -- you did write after all.  I encourage you to start another meeting -- even a Newcomer Meeting, if you think there's really a need -- and to raise your hand and open your mouth.  Hell, start the Newcomer Meeting anyway -- it'll be some of the best 12 Step work you'll ever experience.

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Do you think that old AA saying about people getting a little crazy around the time of their anniversaries is true?

B.D.G.

Dear B.D.G.,

Am I being punk'd?

All I have is my experience and that is... sometimes yes, I have gotten a special kind of weird around my anniversary, and sometimes no.  This year, seems like yes.  Is it something we "create" because we think it might happen? <shrug> Beats me.  Doesn't feel like it.  I've learned to both respect the AA lore and also to take it with a grain of salt. 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

Is there a Mrs. SponsorPants?  You reference Alanon enough that it makes me wonder.

G. K.

Dear G.K.,

No.  There is not.

 

 

 

Cheers, All!

Hope some of that was somehow helpful to someone somewhere!

Love,

Mr. SP

 

 

 

 

Questions via Email: A parent asks: 'Should we let our addict child move back in -- with conditions?'

 

 

Hi,

I found your blog while searching for answers about boundaries for my [early 20's child] who was in recovery, but I know they have relapsed. They are using and drinking again and lying to me and [their other parent]. Can we make living in our home dependant on going back to AA meetings every day and getting a sponsor? They did great in rehab and sounded so happy to be sober, but [a few months] later they are drinking and using and lying. They have no money and no where to live, but I can't go back to living with their addict ways. We want to help and be reasonable. Does it help if they are going to meetings that require?

Thanks,

K

 

Dear K,

I am sorry for the pain you and your family are in.  Yours was a tough email to read, as I caused my parents and my family a lot of pain as a practicing alcoholic.  I certainly didn't want to. I definitely didn't mean to.  But -- and here's the hard part to fathom about alcoholism -- while I am responsible for what I did, I was powerless over my addiction and how it rode me.  I had no more choice in the pursuit of drinking than an epileptic has the choice of stopping a seizure without medication.

So whatever you decide, remember that while there is a behavior modification element to recovery, you are ultimately dealing with a real and diagnosable disease; you can no more "cure" addiction with strong consequences than you can get someone up out of a wheelchair by making rules about how long they're allowed to sit down. 

Yes, structure and boundaries and consequences can help an alcoholic who wants to stay sober get through the "curious mental blank spots" which are what fogs our heads and robs us of the ability to resist the first drink .  I would not presume to tell you that I know what will or will not work for your situation.  I can tell you that in my own case, and in the case of virtually every alcoholic I know, be they drunk or sober, shielding an alcoholic from the consequences of their drinking in no way helps them to get or stay sober -- and in fact, painful as the truth we're closing in on here may be -- "protecting" an alcoholic that way can actually work against their recovery.

It sounds like your child is homeless and broke as a result of drinking -- sure, there are maybe some other factors (there often are) but at the heart of it, we are usually without money or someplace to live because we lie, cheat, steal, fail to show up for commitments (like work), and are in general drunk more than not, and especially drunk when we should very much not be ("a positive genius for getting 'tight' at exactly the wrong time" is roughly how the Big Book puts it).

It is a very hard thing to put a family member out on the street.  For most parents that decision is at the end of a long, terrible, frightening and horrifically painful road.  Many, many times these stories end in tragedy -- and I am not being dramatic when I say that.  Again, to quote the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" for many alcoholics the story ends in jails, institutions or death.  Sometimes the painful hindsight of loved ones and family members at that juncture leads them to cry, "Maybe if we'd been tougher sooner..."  Maybe that time for you is now.  Maybe -- and again, I do not know what is right for you -- but maybe, in helping your child find a way to address their disease, the future you is desperately trying to reach back and tell you to be tough now.

The word, by the way, for what people do when they're not tough is called 'enable' -- and I'm sure you've encountered that word if you've been dealing with an alcoholic family member.  The very things you think might help them get sober actually enable the alcoholic to keep drinking. 

But ... what about being a parent?  What about helping the right amount?  Maybe if they are staying with you they can sort of get their feet under them?  Maybe they just need a chance to regroup.  And maybe you or your spouse can't even fathom for a minute your child homeless out on the street, without money, without food without shelter.  What kind of a family does that to someone? 

You know who can help find the right answers for you to these questions?  ALANON.

GO TO ALANON.  READ ALANON LITERATURE.  FIND THE BLOGS OF PARENTS OF OTHER ADDICTS AND READ THEIR STORIES.  GO TO ALANON MEETINGS AND ASK FOR HELP. 

Forgive the all caps, but I am deadly earnest in telling you this -- consider me a messenger from the future-you, frantically trying to help you find the keys to this terrible puzzle.  If you have already done this, I apologize for suggesting something you're already trying -- you make no mention of it in your email and so I wanted to make sure it was offered to you as a solution.  A cornerstone of your child's recovery in the 12 Step world will be people who have experience getting and staying sober offering their help to them.  And the cornerstone for YOUR recovery is people who have experience dealing with alcoholic family members offering you their support -- because alcoholism really is a family disease, and while you may not have one single issue with addiction yourself you are still "in the disease" with your child, so your recovery is part of the best-case scenario for your child to get and stay sober.

I know when I was drinking -- and well into the beginning of my sobriety -- I could feel the "script" my parents and I had kick in when I was "working them."  I wouldn't even plan to -- it was more like fear or ego or whatever would strike a spark to the tinder of our burning dysfunction (poetic or melodramatic? I can't decide).  The best parts of our love for each other coupled with their gigantic parental concern and willingness to help me would be warped by the family disease part of addiction into something which moved us all in the opposite direction of where we wanted to go.

But as complex and painful as all this is, I can offer a few concrete suggestions:

Do not make a boundary or state a consequence that both you and your spouse are not 100% committed to keeping if it gets broken.  No second chances.  No "yes...but" bending of the rules.  If you say "you can live with us if you go to an AA Meeting every day" for example, and there is one single missed meeting for ANY reason -- out they go.  (And even as I typed that I felt something sour in my belly.  Very few alcoholics do well going to meetings via the demand/threat of a family member -- most often parent or spouse.  We do marginally better going and listening when it's a court card, but, as my dead sponsor used to say -- he who's wise counsel I miss every single day of my life -- the chief characteristic of an alcoholic is defiance.  And he is right.  It has to do with our massive sensitivity to fear, our staggering self obsession and our towering ego... but that's getting sidetracked a little.)  I don't know what boundaries and consequences might be right for your situation, but again, I urge you, put teeth in them or don't bother.  The moment you waver, the second you allow an exception, your child's alcoholism wins.  And you all move closer to a court date or a funeral.

Once you draw whatever (few!) rules you have, leave it alone.  Not one single alcoholic welcomes being "reminded" about their meetings, their program, calling their sponsor... any of it.  I know for a fact that even today should someone other than another alcoholic, or a sponsor, make a suggestion about my program to me the first reaction I have is rage, even if I know the person loves me and means well.

Do not underestimate the power of a support group for yourself and your spouse in dealing with this.  The parents of cancer patients draw strength from support groups, right?  You are the parents of a child with an equally grave illness, and trying to go it alone, or keep this problem "in the family" is robbing your child of an improved chance of recovery.  Just like when the flight safety video on an airplane tells parents traveling with young children to put on their own air mask first before they try to assist their child, so, too, you must attend to yourselves and be as well informed and healthy as possible before trying to help your child deal with their addiction.

 

I hope some of that is helpful, K.

Please take heart.  Millions of people have gotten sober and remain free from drugs and alcohol and the obsession to use by utilizing the help available in the 12 Step world.  I was able to get sober long before my parents passed and those were some of the best years we had together.  Your child is close to the same age as I was when I got sober -- just a bit younger.  You and your family can absolutely have that too.

Good luck.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: How do I start an AA Meeting? How do I start a Gay AA Meeting? How do I start a Gay AA Meeting in Lithuania?

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I'm Anonymous Alcoholic Arunas from Lithuania. I not drink for morethen  5 years.I bisexual too . It's not Gay AA group in my country. I want to create some group, but don't know from what begin. 

Thanks

Dear Arunas,

Wow! Lithuania!

Well first off, Arunas, let me just say Hello nuo AA Amerikoje!Jį lengvai ir nuolat grįžta! (Thanks Google Translate!)

Secondly, I used to drink with a girl from Lithuania, and and while I generally despise nationalistic and ethnic generalizations, I am willing to say here that her Lithuanian chromosomes easily kept pace with my Irish DNA.

So basically, for purposes of easy discussion, I think your email can be broken out into three parts:

How do I start an AA Meeting?

How do I start a Gay (or special focus) AA Meeting?

How do I start a Gay AA Meeting in Lithuania?

There's an old joke in Alcoholics Anonymous: To start an AA Meeting all you need is a coffee pot and a resentment.  While that always struck me as a wee bit mean spirited (of the AA meetings I've started over the years -- and that's maybe four, all total -- resentment was never a part of the motivation; sloth was -- I'm big on starting meetings that are convenient to where I live or that begin at an hour that let's me sleep in a little! -- but resentment?  Nah.  Couldn't be bothered.)  All of which is to say that while I believe that starting an AA meeting is a wonderful bit of 12th Step work, in my humble opinion there is no wrong reason for starting a meeting.  And, as a corollary, there if you keep your ego out of it there is no real criteria for what qualifies as a "success" in starting a meeting.  Or, to put it another way -- if just one alcoholic just one time gets something from the meeting which helps them stay sober for just one more 24 hours, then the meeting you started is a spectacular, unqualified success, and it matters not one jot whether it is large or small, lasts for years or only a few weeks.  The meeting helped someone stay sober one more day?  Mission accomplished.

So what are the practical requirements for starting a meeting?  What's your Checklist?  What are the basics you'll need?  The following should get you started:

• A format of some sort:  Something written down is best so that the meeting can stay consistent, which helps it feel "real" and safe. In my experience the simpler the format the stronger the meeting.  Generally there is a brief reading (In my little corner of the world the first few pages of Chapter 5, "How it Works" from the Big Book are commonly used -- up through the a, b, c part which concludes with "that God could and would if He were sought.")  Then someone Speaks (or Chairs, or Pitches, all regional terms here in the USA for basically the same thing: The person who talks first, and usually for a pre-determined lenght of time.)  Meetings I go to vary in this, and there are those in which the Speaker talks for ten minutes, twenty minutes, or for almost the full duration of the meeting.  Then, there might be sharing from the rest of the group -- some meetings have timers of three or five minutes for the other sharing -- others let people go for as long as they need. (There's pro and con on both those approaches.)  Then there might be one more reading and then generally the meeting concludes with a prayer, most often in my experience The Serenity Prayer.  I'd like to add that it is a custom in my part of the world for people to thank the speaker after the meeting -- to literally line up and one after the other shake hands or hug and express gratitude to the speaker for coming.  I've been to places and meetings where this is not the custom, and while it's not wrong to NOT do it, I think it is a good healthy thing for all parties if you DO do it.  But again, that is a regional thing.  (And by the way, in the book "My Name is Bill" by Susan Cheever -- which I enjoyed immensely -- at one point somewhere in it -- I haven't read it in forever -- she gives an overview of a "typical" AA meeting that I thought was very good as well.  If you can find a translation you might enjoy that as well and it too might be helpful.) 

• A space:  Either a room you can easily afford with a nominal payment -- one which a fledgling meeting can pay on its own in short order (as our meetings are self supporting through our own contributions) OR a "donated" home space for that hour or so. (Remember, all the original AA meetings were in someone's home -- that's a tried and true method.)  Also, you'll need an assurance that the space will be "yours" every week at that same hour for a good period of time.

• A Secretary (or two):  A person or couple of people who are willing to serve as Secretary for the first few months until enough people regularly come so that you can hold an election.  As it says in the literature, "our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern."  Starting a meeting confers no special status or authority in the meeting that you've started.  When you're up and running it's better for all concerned to hold a group conscience and have an election -- sure, they can elect you, but the opportunity for others to step in is clean, above board and, in my experience, the best ego deflater and resentment quasher possible.  Once you have a few regular members you can divvy out some other service commitments, like Set Up, Clean Up, Literature, Phone List... maybe a Sponsorship Announcement asking people willing and able to sponsor to raise their hands.  You don't need everything all at once of course.

That's pretty much it.  A format a space and a scretary willing to be the midwife for a bit and you should be all set.  By the way, there is nothing that says you have to be completely unique in your format.  If there is a meeting you go to that you like the format just copy that exactly and you'll be up and running in no time!

Now, as to starting a gay or special focus AA meeting, that's pretty much the same process as the above, with one caveat I'd like to add -- but first, for the curious, let me just say why such meetings might be helpful to people.

One of the ways in the 12 Step message can penetrate the fog of chemicals and slip through the cracks in the walls of fear and ego is via the process of identification.  Hearing people who did what you did and felt how you felt and are now sober through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous can be very powerful medicine.  And when someone is new, while we suggest that they listen for the feelings people share and not get caught up in the external details, this process is much easier when it is not an intellectual abstract and more of a direct similarity.  In addition, special focus meetings -- like a gay meeting, or a men's stag, or a women's meeting -- can provide a safe place for people to be candid about things at group level which they might not be comfortable sharing (for whatever reason) in a mixed group.  So there are some good reasons for these meetings to exist.  A meeting is a meeting -- but it's nice to have one in your routine which is mainly comprised of people with whom you might have some special things in common.

Here's the caveat:  I know that when Gay Meetings first came on the scene in the United States, it was commonly heald wisdom that when approaching a place to rent -- like a church basement, or the community room of a city building or some such -- it was strongly advised that the parties involved be up front with the future landlords about who was going to be meeting there.  The main reason, of course, was that this was in keeping with AA's suggested principle of rigorous honesty.  To withould significant information from someone is virtually the same as being actively dishonest about it.  Secondly, it's best to find out up front, before schedules are made and/or money changes hands whether or not someone is going to have a problem with Drunks or Gays or Left-Handed Gamblers or whatever.  You can't meet where you're not welcome.  And trying to sneak in will ultimately only create a problem down the line.

Finally, when it comes to starting a Gay meeting in Lithuania... I want to say first that I admire your desire to bring a message of recovery to all alcoholics --and again, there's no wrong reason (in my book) to do it.  A casual bit of research on the Internet speaks to a somewhate unwelcoming culture for LGBT folks in Lithuania.  You would be far more conversant about that than I of course.  I've not been to Lithuania (yet!)  Institutions who might be good landlords for you might be some of the more accepting religions -- they generally have as part of their resources a room suitable for meeting which might be available on a weekly basis -- or a hospital.  Or a recovery house.  Starting one in your own living room might also work, but Home Meetings are generally not listed in Meeting Directories here in the States, for a number of reasons you can easily imagine.  (What if the host gets drunk, for example!)  Also, it's a very common practice for Gay Meetings in the US to be listed with all other meetings in the Directory with a G next to them, and the initial explained in the Legend (just like O for Open or C for Closed or W for Women of HA for wheelchair accessible, etc.)  And it will be easier to "get the word out" if your meeting is listed in the Directory.  If you encounter any problems with getting your meeting in your local Directory I would contact World Services in New York City -- they would be the people who can help with that.

Your intent is to be of service and in this, the Big Book suggests, your will is then aligned with God's.  In such a case Arunas, you can not fail!  I wish you all the best, I hope this wasn't too long and was somewhat helpful -- and by all means, write me again and let me know how it goes.

Aš išgelbėti savo pinigus ir pabandykite ateiti į susitikimą tam tikrą dieną!

Dėkojame jums už žinutę!

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Addicted to an addict

 

Mr. Sponsorpants-

I have attended al-anon and nar-anon for three years now. One thing I have learned is that I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Now, having poor self-esteem leads me to do this more often than not, but my self-esteem is getting better and I am becoming less tolerant.

The reason I attend these meetings is for myself, but I came to the program to learn how to manage my life successfully despite being addicted to an addict (one addicted to drugs and alcohol alike). Let me tell you, I have not learned how to do that. I see no light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship (one that has lasted, at this point, more than a decade and produced one child).

If I get honest with myself, the reason I have not left yet is because of fear and a still damaged self-esteem. I am afraid of many things, some of which are irrational, some of which are more believable. I know that fear can be an illusion (false expectations appearing real), but it is very paralyzing in this situation. I am afraid he will turn on me if I leave him. My biggest fear is that he will take my child from me (this is my most irrational fear...because he is a convicted, violent, drug using criminal and I...well, I am not). Another fear is that I might be alone forever, by choice or by circumstance, after leaving him.

Anyway, my question is this...how do I deal with fear? How do I deal with the fear and move on?

I don't know if you have answers, or even a point of view about this. I just thought I would try you. I'm looking everywhere for bits of information that will help me in this journey.

Thanks for helping,

Fearful

 

Dear Fearful,

You describe your partner as a "violent, drug using criminal."  But the sense I have from your email is that's a general description of his past acts, not necessarily how he is right this minute.  So the first part of my suggestion is treating your situation as if your partner is not currently using and/or violent.  The second part will address if he is currently in that state.

First:

The answer is Faith.

But Faith without works is, as they say, dead, so let's also consider some works which might help.

My own experience with fear is that the less information I have the easier it is for me to be paralyzed by fear -- that is, if I have some facts, or likely outcomes or whatever, then when I'm afraid I can measure my fear against the information I have, and begin to put it in context.  This helps me to either get a plan or stay in action (or most likely a little of both).  What that might mean in your case is to begin to get some one-on-one legal counseling.  The book "Alcoholics Anonymous" suggests we make good use of the professionals around us, and if you are contemplating a divorce, especially when there is a child involved -- or if you are not married but there will be issues of child support, custody and visitation -- you need sound legal advice.  Legal counsel generally costs money, but there are some agencies which might at least give you some general guidance for free or at low cost.  Googling the phrase "free legal counsel for women" gave me a return of 5,570,000 results.  Plenty of that might be crap, but it's likely there are services available near you to give you some info.  Once you have some information, you can address your fears as either realistic or unrealistic (from your email I can tell you have a great grasp of the fact that we are tortured by both, and that sorting them out is a wise course).  And when you can view them as either reality or fantasy-based then the application of faith (prayer, writing, meditating) can be maybe more focused and thus more effective.

Sounds to me like you are fairly active and involved in the 12 Step world with two different programs which are well suited to what you are facing -- both within and without.  I encourage you to lean into them, and if you haven't, find a sponsor in at least one of them to help apply their solutions to your situation.

Also, your self-diagnosis is very wise.  Some of what is keeping you stuck involves issues of self-esteem, fears of being alone, etc.  Inventory work and service will help with much of that, but also a one-on-one therapist/counselor is probably in order.

The Big Book specifically suggests writing about our Fears before we pray about them, and that has always been powerful medicine for me to apply.  Writing them out and then praying about them can bring some immediate relief -- and with the relief can come the ability to take action and move on.

Finally (for this first part), remember that this will be a process.  A messy, ambling, back-and-forth process, with some progress and then some backsliding.  This is a complex situation given that you have a child and you have been involved in this relationship for more than a decade.  You sound smart enough to know that while you are aware that there is a lot going on you also understand that there is even more going on with you, with him, with the whole deal, than you can perceive.  Given that insight, for the sake of your sanity and your child's mental and emotional health do not let the idea that there is "no light at the end of the tunnel" define you.  Many small changes and a hundred little insights can add up to a whole new perspective and ability to change -- or in your case, leave. (Or stay, but be at peace.  Whichever is right for you).

Now, the second part of my answer, if your description of your partner is one in which he is currently either violent -- or potentially violent -- while currently drinking/using:

1. I will not cluck my tongue and wring my hands and moan at you to wake up and realize the danger you are in.  People in abusive relationships have a kind of blindness and paralysis that are no simple things to break through.  But please try and admit to yourself that you are indeed in an abusive relationship -- a full on, Lifetime TV Movie abusive relationship and those are sad stories for good reason.  Your safety and the safety of your child is at grave risk.  You are trapped in a cycle and while you can do a lot on your own, you will do better if you get outside help to safely break free and stay free.

2. Yes, it is highly likely that your partner will "turn on you" in some way or another when you leave.  If he is a violent man you are right to be afraid -- that is your survival instinct talking and I hope you keep listening to it.  I am not a professional counselor, but I do know that in such a situation you need a specific plan, outside help and support before you take your child and go.  A mad dash out the door in the middle of the night might save you from immediate harm (and sometimes that's the immediate goal) but does not help you stay away.  Do not minimize your situation.  Call this number: 800-799-SAFE or go to this website: http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ for people who are a lot smarter and more experienced than I am with a situation like yours.  REMEMBER: computer histories can be recovered.  If you fear that he is checking your browser history or monitoring your computer use it might be better to phone the number than visit the site at first.  Only you can judge which is right and safe for you.  Do not delay.  Do not listen to any voice inside you which suggests you wait to take action.

3.  Fearful, it was hard to judge from your email exactly how much, if any, immediate danger you are in -- your "voice" seemed very recovery focused, and not like that of someone at risk as they wrote.  But again I say, DO NOT MINIMIZE YOUR SITUATION. That is how people wind up staying past the point of safety.

 

If the addict you're addicted to is not going to become violent towards you or your child, and that characterization reflects his behavior in the past, you are right to want to be free and to work with both 12 Step tools to overcome your fear and to work with professionals to learn about cycles of abuse and how you are long-term stuck -- I am certain that there IS hope for you to make changes -- I have seen many people make whole new lives for themselves after many years of addiction -- regardless of how afraid they are, or what (or who) they're addicted to.

If the addict you're addicted to is more immediately combustible then I hope you contact the agencies above and begin to immediately take action to save both the life of your child and yourself.

Either way, you are in my prayers.

Good luck and God speed.

 

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

via Email: you've got to be kidding me

 

Mr. SponsorPants,

I have issues with AA and its philosophy as it stands now.  Nothing unique, same issues that people who have issues with AA have.  But I've always had a deep respect for the teaching of Dr. Bob, Bill W, Joe Hawk, etc.  To me they taught the 'real' AA and not the tweeked version seen at most AA meetings these days.  They taught the program, not the human interpretation bs and I was lucky enough to learn the program from someone who is an old-timer, if you will.

There are many recovery related blogs who claim to be 12 step but are so far from the real 12 step essence that I've read only a few posts and moved on until I found Mr. SponsorPants.  You were the voice of reason to me.  My immediate response to your posts was one of understanding and gratitude that you seemed to speak my language.

And then you vanished.  Not a word.  Gone.  I thought the worst.

Then the worst thing happened.  My [sibling], a single parent, a loving member of our family passed away unexpectedly.  I replay, in my head, all the things they are missing, or have missed, since dieing.

I'm just now emerging from the fog and yesterday again, I thought of you and if perhaps something tragic had happened to you and if your family is feeling the same way I feel.  So I checked Mr. SponsorPants and viola, there you are...

I was happy to see you back until I found your first post, post disappearance.  I can't tell you the anger I felt and still do.  Are you kidding me?  My bullshit detector is still in overdrive.  You wrote everyday without fail and if you missed a day you'd post remotely or give an explanation.  You answered emails promptly and then nothing and your reason is you just didn't check.  I don't believe you and what is more disturbing is all the AA enablers commenting without once saying, BULLSHIT.

Your reasons are you reasons Mr. SP.  It's none of anyone's business why you did what you did and explained it away the way you did but know this, I can no longer read your posts (cause I've tried) with the same respect and sense of understanding that I used to.  I really thought you were better than all that.  What a shame...

C.

 

Dear C.

I'm very sorry for your family's loss.  In a life full of hard things and a world full of frightening headlines the unexpected death of a close family member -- one who leaves behind children -- especially a single parent... is true tragedy and something that forever changes the people involved.

There have been a few emails which have come my way that expressed similar anger and disappointment over my unannounced blogging absence.  The reason that I have printed yours here (with, as always, any identifying details edited or blurred to the best of my ability) is the same reason I print any email, ultimately:  To serve as the starting point in a discussion of solutions to things many of us face as we get and stay sober -- and to offer whatever I can from my experience which might help.

And, in much of what you say, you are right.  It was self involved and lazy and careless of me.  Whether it's the mark of being an alcoholic (which smacks of both accurate explanation and rather slick excuse) or just the kind of man I can be, this is definitely not the first time in my life where I have been casual in my regard for others and caused people hurt -- and though I'd hope it will be the last I fear that is an unlikely thing.  As I said before, would that I had a more dramatic reason than the feeble truth I must own.  I can say that within me my ego and my self-esteem see-saw sickeningly back and forth around this.  Although I've experienced powerful and humbling feedback while writing this blog in both the comments section and in emails -- feedback which I have been moved and incredibly grateful for -- it honest-to-god did not occur to me, as I ran out of momentum and then procrastinated about putting fingers to keyboard again, that my absence would be hurtful to anyone in the way some people have expressed that it has.

Certainly as an alcoholic people-pleaser who, when he got sober, was able to view having low self esteem as progress from having no self esteem, the idea that anyone, anywhere, is upset with me can push some buttons.  The inward-darkness:  Guilt (I did something bad. Again.)  Shame. (Thus I am a bad and permanently damaged person.)  And the outward, lashing-out darkness:  Defensiveness:  (It's you not me!)  and Anger: (Fuck you!) All of which is deeply disingenuous and none of which serves us or is true.

I am inching slowly towards something grandiose and egotistical with each paragraph and that's not why I posted your email. 

Among my sponsors over the years I have had two who, while they were clean and sober, struggled mightily with sexual addiction, sometimes succumbing to that aspect of the ism and creating terrible collateral damage in their lives and the lives of their families and partners.  I have also had two sponsors who were afflicted with terrible eating disorders and damaged their health from that disease well into their sobriety, and who, while acting out in that regard were able to give me some good guidance in working the 12 Steps but were not completely reliable or honest about some things as they struggled.  I myself, as I wrote... oh, somewhere in here... "borrowed" from not one but TWO AA treasuries in my sobriety.  (Amends have been made, for the record.  Deeply humbling public amends of both the practical and spiritual kind.)  In short, for great reasons or petty, with good explanations or poor ones, people will let you down.  Most don't mean to, but most do.  I assure you, I am not, as you say "better than all that..." I (and anyone who works the 12 Steps), have made amazing progress in every area of my life -- and you can trust me with a lot -- but I guarantee I will continue to fuck it up royally; though now I like to think only occasionally.  What I can guarantee is I'm not alone in that.  People are messy and sober alcoholics in AA are far from exempt.

In my humble opinion, to use the foibles and failures of others in sobriety as a means to quarrel with AA is not too far from wondering if a vial of antibiotics is no good because the doctor who prescribed them committed Medicare fraud.

AA's 12 Steps embody a plan of acting on spiritual principles which have worked in many ways for many people and cultures since perhaps man first became self aware.  Owning and admitting a problem, asking for help, being willing to follow direction, looking within, identifying one's own part in problems, working on improving the elements in one's nature which do not serve, admitting wrong doing and making restitution, seeking an elevated mind through elevated thought and meditation... AA didn't invent -- and never claimed to invent -- any of this.  As you know, what Bill and Dr. Bob did (you've got me on Joe Hawk, I have no clue who he is, though he's got a hella cooler name than I do) is practically (or Divinely) luck into laying out a plan of action along those spiritual lines which spoke to alcoholics in a way other methods previously perhaps did not.  The immediate result of which was the ability to refrain from drinking and the larger result of which was a spiritual experience -- or, if you prefer, a profound internal (often gradual) transformation.

Your issues -- the "usual issues" -- with AA -- or perhaps it is more accurate to say with the people in AA -- though I understand them, I do not embrace them.  I respect them, and your hurt and your anger, but the 12 Steps are not vulnerable to what may or may not be happening in Meetings.  They are deceptively simple but pretty bullet proof (if almost a hundred years of addicts can't break 'em I think we're good).  Nor are they a fragile, ephemeral plan for spiritual awakening, as their principles and suggested actions can even be viewed through a completely non-spiritual lens and still offer practical healing and help.  (I was moved to write this once in response to that line of discussion.)

You and your family have suffered a terrible loss and my experience with the death of loved ones -- even when it is somewhat expected -- is that it is a gradual process cycling through those famous stages many times.  You may think it is more bullshit on my part but I am sensitive to that in your email and in what I'm trying to express here.

But I find this whole "AA in the good old days was the real AA and what we have today is some watered down 'human interpretation' thing" to be utter crap.  Yes, there are a ton of 12 Step Meetings which are filled with pounds of nonsense.  Rooms held hostage to people playing the victim or the expert.  Rooms where someone's special bias or ignorance colors the format and the sharing.  But I suspect, knowing alcoholics, that there were as many, if not maybe more, "back in the day" as there are today.  Of course we have no way of knowing, but I offer for anyone's consideration that the reason the 12 Traditions ever came into being was because back in those "good old days" the AA meetings all over the country were fragmented, prejudiced things making up their own rules, excluding whomever they didn't like or believe, getting off track (what we call our Primary Purpose today)... Yet while there may be that metric ton of sloppy anarchic nonsense out there in 12 Step rooms there is also, without doubt, proven by the ongoing recovery of many thousands of people, some wonderous and powerful healing going on.

Meetings, and sharing, have evolved as people's understanding of addiction and psychology and the impact of family of origin and biology and mental illness... and... and... and ... has evolved.  Yes, the Program is in the Book.  I stick pretty damn close to the Big Book when it comes to charting my service and my sobriety (and thus my life).  But if you believe nothing else I've ever written or write here now, if you call bullshit then fair enough, be that as it may, I urge you to try and view the nonsense -- what you perceive as dilution -- in meetings with some compassion.  Foolish people, yes, but at least coming together in an attempt to get better and maybe help others.  That is perhaps not such a bad place for someone with anger in their gut and raw grief in their heart to hang out for a while.

Both my experience and my observation is that an AA meeting can offer, inter-mingled with the patience-trying foolishness, solutions or comfort we didn't know we needed.  Be disappointed in me, in AA, in whatever, but I hope you don't sit in that disappointment alone.  12 Step meetings, therapy, grief support groups ... most alcoholics, when deeply hurt, withdraw.  I hope you don't do that.

 

Nothing here is meant or said with disrespectful intent, C.  I've re-written this maybe five times now.  I keep combing through it looking for my ego, anger, defensiveness, passive/aggressive phrases... it's too long an essay for a blog, probably, and still I smell my ego all over the damn thing.

But after writing as much Mr. SponsorPants as I have -- even with the break (ooops! I think there's that passive/aggression again) -- I've learned that eventually, if I was moved to write it, to let it stand and let it go and maybe someone out there will get something from it, and if not, well, all this writing kept my hands off the bag of chips in the cupboard which has been calling to me since I got home from work.

For what it's worth, whether you think it's bullshit or not, I'm grateful you wrote, C.

Sincerely,

Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Problem with Step 11 Meditation

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I am having trouble with the meditation part of Step 11.  The trouble part is that I can not sit still.  Have you ever had a sponsee tell you that? What did you tell them?

What did I tell them?  I told them, in a word, "Bullshit."

But that was because I knew them.  I knew that it was very unlikely they had a medically based profoundly physical reason for not being able to sit still.  So... if that is true for you also, then again I say, "Bullshit."

(If not, then this is a whole different issue -- but I'm going to proceed on the assumption that your situation is not medical or you would have included that information in the email.)

So, in that case...

Imagine you're on a game show; one of the competition-based reality things like "Survivor," not one of those psychological mud-wrestling fests like the many "People Behaving Badly" shows.

The camera closes in on you, and the next challenge is announced:

You will earn $1000 for every minute you sit perfectly still.  Ready? Set? Go!

From this, two things would probably be revealed:

1. Watching people sit still makes for terrible television.

and

2. When you really set your mind to it, you can probably sit still for a good number of minutes.

Now I'm sure I don't have to tell you there are all kinds of meditation, and sitting still is not a requirement -- or even a goal -- for many of them.  Some Buddhists walk, some Dervishes whirl, artists create... but if you're asking about being still, then you have a particular type of meditation discipline and outcome in mind.

There are only about ten bajillion books, blogs, apps, classes and yogis out there to light the way in meditation practice, any of whom would be more instructive than I could be here.  I can tell you what I have shared with sponsees, which is that I have found deep, conscious breathing, an egg timer, managing my expectations (good luck with that!) and starting slow has helped me -- and many a fidgeter -- explore the Stillness which, paradoxically, can be so freeing.

Good luck.

 

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

Questions via Email: What can I say to help my husband avoid "stinkin' thinkin'"?

 

 

 

hello mr sponserpants

my husband is a recovering alcoholic and (on most days) a gratefully recovering alcoholic.  I do not suffer from this disease but fully support him. I have attended some al anon and we go 2 therapy together. He attends meetings regularly and works w/ his sponser, step study group, and has his  "phone therapy"  network. This is not to say he hasnt had a few slips especially in the beginning.  Basically my question to you is this; as his wife i have seen "slips" coming wks or months before the actual drink.  I can see the change in his attitude and thinking.  As we frequently address in therapy its the negative thoughts,stinking thinking, that starts to go unchecked. My husband, as id imagine all alcoholics, can have a stressful day @ work or long commute and this bad day easily becomes, im so miserable, i hate my job/life,woah is me, poor me,poor me,pour me a drink. When i notice this stinkin thinkin( as his sponser n therapist calls it) i try n point it out 2 him n encourage him 2 share w/ sponser, make phone calls, pray ect.  I def understand that i can not make him be sober so thats not what im asking, just wondering a good one liner words of wisdom from aa i can throw out there. Any suggestions for the non alcoholic wife when i notice his gratefulness being replaced by alcoholic thinking? As a non alcoholic spouse whose still new 2 this( hes been sober 6 months but initally got in the rooms 2yrs ago) im not sure how to encourage w/o discouraging, if that makes sense. He knows if he ever relapse and not get back in the rooms i would not go down that rd w/ him. Thanks for any feedback!

 

 

Dear Wife,

I'm afraid "have attended some al anon" pings my sponsor sense.  While it might just be a turn of phrase, as it stands it sounds to me as though you may not regularly be attending alanon meetings.  You catalog an impressive amount of footwork on the part of your spouse, and I appreciate that you are giving context for your question, but are you matching his recovery footwork with your own?  One suggestion I must urge you consider is that you are actively involved in an alanon program of recovery.

Just as there is more to the condition of alcoholism than abusing alcohol, I'm sure you are aware that there is more to the condition of "alanonism" than might first be apparent.  To that point, one subtle symptom of this I've seen is the belief that the alcoholic is the "sick one" in the relationship; the partner does not need any help because all the need for treatment/recovery resides with the addict.

Mmmmaybe.  But they don't call it a family disease fer nuthin'.

Do you have an alanon sponsor?  I can see from what you've written that you have a genuine and sincere desire to be helpful to your husband, but in your email I feel there may also be a subtle but unmistakeable whiff of a desire to fix or control.  I might be dead wrong about that -- but regular alanon meetings and a good, ongoing dialog with an alanon sponsor will help discern the difference between supporting and controlling (and I freely admit, shades of grey abound there).

If he's going to take his medicine, then he's going to take his medicine. If not, then not.  It's none of your business.  What's your business is if you want to be in a relationship with someone who needs to take medicine, not whether that person is taking it or not.  You won't go "down that road" with him.  Sincerely and loudly I say:  Good for you.  You shouldn't.  But with that on the table, here's a very dark question:

When does a stated boundary become an implied threat?

Answer:  I have no idea, but it's something for you to think about. 

As to your specific request:  Can I suggest something for you to say if you detect his gratefulness is being replaced with "stinking" alcoholic thinking?

Yes.

I suggest you say nothing.

I'm not trying to be cute, or turn a phrase at your expense.  All I can tell you is that, speaking for myself, as an alcoholic,  I react very badly -- even if I don't want to -- when non-alcoholics, regardless of the relationship between us, try to "helpfully" point out something about my AA program.

I do not fault your motives, any loving spouse wants to spare their partner pain, but the challenge of being in a relationship with an alcoholic is that you must let us find our own way in recovery, pain and all.

The desire to encourage without discouraging does make sense, and I feel the love and concern in your email, but candidly I believe that a focus on yourself and alanon is the best way to help your spouse.

Finally, I want to add that if your husband keeps going to AA and if you have an active Alanon program then you will both have great tools to use in your relationship, and thus very, very likely have a lot of happiness to balance whatever challenges come your way.

 

Good luck!

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

Questions via Email: 90 meetings in 90 days?

 

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

hello im a sober member of aa. i have a conflicting issue though. The whole 90 meetings in 90 days thing...ive read the big book which contains the steps and haven't seen it anywhere...ive also noticed that people hear that and walk right out of meetings ..its re occurring where i live...the reason i ask you this is because i had someone call me and say that if i don't do 90 in 90 will i relapse...thanks ur website is really great.

 

 

 

Well thanks for the kind words, Sober Member.

First off, you're right, the suggestion for someone to do '90 meetings in 90 days' is not in the Big Book -- nor is it in the 12 and 12 nor any other AA lit that I'm aware of (nice loophole, Mr. SP!).

As my first sponsor told me -- and I've told other people I sponsor -- that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is defined in the book from which our Fellowship takes its name.  What people in AA suggest you do, or try, should always be held up against what's mapped out in the book.  So your habit of checking input with the text is a good one.  If I were to make any suggestion at all to you it is to carry on with that good practice.

This whole 90-in-90 is, however, a common suggestion, made often to new people, or done by AA members with some time (one of my sponsees with double digit sobriety decided on their own to do it again) to either help establish a foundation, or to turn up the volume on the meeting experience; get a "booster shot" if you will, of AA medicine.  And there is much wisdom in the fellowship, based on our collective experience, outside of what the Big Book says.  So yes, check and see if something's in the book, but just because it's not doesn't immediately mean it's not helpful or worthwhile.  Common sense and feedback from others is a good filter for all AA direction.  (In my case of course, when I was new, I had zero common sense -- and I'm not sure I have much more today -- so I generally stick close to AA principle and direction from trusted spiritual advisers -- both in the form of sponsors and sober friends.)

(I have to confess to having a bit of an argument over this suggestion.  Some feel it means strictly that one goes to a meeting every day for 90 days.  That is the spirit of the suggestion, yes -- but if you've got a conflict on one day and making a meeting is especially difficult, going to two on another day can sort of "make up" the missed meeting.  I think it is unhealthy to be didactic about AA -- one should embrace the spirit of AA's suggestions, not just the letter of them.)

If you "don't do 90 in 90 you will relapse."  I can't say one way or the other.  There is more to sobriety than meeting attendance (though my sobriety isn't much without it, either.) 

People who hear that suggestion and "walk right out of meetings" would find a different reason to walk right out if they didn't hear that, I suspect -- some people are just looking for a reason to leave.  And that's out of my/your/our hands.  Do I think coming on too strongly can turn people off? Yes -- and in a number of places the Big Book addresses how that is not a helpful way to be in the context of 12th Step work (and what is a meeting if not always that, eh?).   

In your specific case, I would consider the source of the suggestion.  Is this a person who generally offers you good, calm, sober input?  Or are they perhaps a bit rigid or militant in their AA?  I often think of what the Big Book says when talking about how we should frame our sober sex lives -- that we should "avoid hysterical advice" and to (paraphrasing here) watch out for extremes of thinking.  That's a good way to process a lot of things, actually.

But alcoholism is serious business.  People may call AA a kind of self-help group, but that's not what it is to me.  It is a life-saving dose of medicine against my alcoholism -- it is a 24 hour reprieve each day which keeps sick thinking and profoundly self-destructive impulses at bay.

No matter who made the suggestion, or what you feel about them, maybe the universe is giving you a nudge?  What harm can it do to hit 90 meetings in 90 days?  Certainly it will be the aforementioned booster shot, and more importantly, rather than doing something for your sobriety, maybe it will give you the opportunity to do something for someone else's... and THAT is the best protection against relapse I know.

Good luck!

Mr. SponsorPants