Mr. SponsorPants

I pray

I pray

not for change in the world,

but for change

in myself.

It's working.

exactly where you're supposed to be

what if

you are exactly where you're supposed to be today.

what if you're not supposed to be one single solitary molecule better, nor one bit faster, not one jot farther along.

what if you're not supposed to be
any smarter, or more spiritually evolved,
better with money,
braver,
bigger or smaller.

what if
(just for today)
you let sobriety be the win,
let that be enough, and
you take the day off from self judgment,
from comparing yourself to others
and to the mythical stealth "ideal you" you've somehow been sold.

what if just for today you banish the "should's" and "supposed to's."

if there is a God
(and while sometimes there's doubt and some days the evidence seems to go either way what if today you sit with "there is")
then what if
your foibles and mishaps and shortcomings
are part of what you need to be what you're supposed to be
eventually.

if this isn't treacle,
or smarmy pap,
then you can relax,
and have faith that
(as the old expression goes)
God don't make junk

and there is a Plan

and you really are
exactly where you're supposed to be
today.

Actually, this isn't so far off from what my prayers are really like, lately...

Mr. SponsorPants:  God?

GOD:  Yes?

Mr. SP:  Thank you.

GOD:  You're welcome.  Anything special you're grateful for right now?  Or is this another one of your blanket, sweeping "I'm working on my attitude and my gratitude" kinds of prayers.

Mr. SP:  No, I'm grateful for something specific -- deeply grateful.  But, you know those general thank you's -- I always deeply mean those, too.

A pause.

GOD:  You sure you want to go with that?  Gonna let that statement stand, are you?

Another pause.

Mr. SP: Wellllll... how about I often mean it, and when I don't, I'm sincerely trying to mean it, and very occasionally -- I would go so far as to say rarely, even -- I am mmmaybe saying I'm grateful -- or willing -- to try to get You or the Universe or Whatever to give me something I want -- but only rarely!  Usually I really mean it.

GOD:  Okay.  I'll buy that.   What, right now, are you specifically grateful for?

Mr. SP:  Today, really -- and I suppose after all this time it's silly to make a big deal out of it -- I'm grateful for my sobriety.  I don't mean it's silly to be grateful for being sober, I just mean I've said 'thank you' for my sobriety so often that ... well, it's a gratitude constant.  But I just ... I have maybe never been more aware of how, without the Grace that You have given me, I wouldn't stand a chance against my alcoholism.  Alone I wouldn't last a week.  Maybe not even a day... an hour...

GOD:  Five minutes.

Mr. SP:  Hey!

GOD:  You started the countdown, I was just keeping with the theme.  But I must say, Mr. SponsorPants, it is quite deft of you to be able to go from gratitude to indignation so quickly. 

Mr. SP:  Uh, yeah.  Sorry.

GOD:  Don't mention it.

Mr. SP (mutters): Well, actually, You mentioned it.

GOD:  Eh?

Mr. SP:  Nothing.  Nothing -- never mind.  Look, we're off track, and truly, I am profoundly grateful for being sober today.  All week I have witnessed the breathtaking scope of addiction; its cunning, its insanity, the dark magic it works in peoples' minds, to make the very thing that will destroy them the only thing they think they want -- or the only choice they think they can make.  Today I am so humbled and grateful that I am sober... just ... just, thank you, God.

GOD:  You're welcome.  But...

Mr. SP:  But? You have a 'but'?

GOD:  But I hear the other thing.  I hear the question, Mr. SponsorPants.  I hear it even though you haven't asked it.  I hear it chanted in your secret heart, over and over sometimes.  Go ahead, Mr. SponsorPants.  Ask.

Mr. SP:  Won't You be mad if I do? 

GOD:  Do you believe in a God that gets mad at you?

Mr. SP (laughs):  Actually, no.  I haven't believed that for a long, long time.

GOD:  Then ask.

Mr. SP (whispers):  Why me?

GOD:  'Why you' what?

Mr. SP:  Why did You extend Grace to me?  Why did I get such a precious gift, when all this week -- hell, for more than 20 years, really -- I have seen men and women who seem, to me at least, equally deserving (if not more so) than I am of receiving your Grace?

GOD:  The best answer I can offer you, Mr. SponsorPants, is actually to ask you a question in return.

Mr. SP (mutters):  Great.  Gonna be cryptic.  I hate cryptic.

GOD:  What was that?

Mr. SP:  Not important.  Sorry.  So You are answering my question with a question.  Right.  Okay.  Shoot.

GOD:  What makes you think that I didn't give those people Grace as well?  Their path -- and their choices -- are between them and Me, Mr. Sponsorpants.  I'm afraid you haven't the capacity to fully grasp more than that.  Your job is to be helpful to people on their path, not to try to understand their path.  But more than that, tell Me, what makes you think, deep down, in all these comparisons with others you seem so fond of some days, that you aren't every bit as deserving of My Grace as anyone else?

Mr. SP:  Well, I never really... hey!  Waitaminute.   That answer was actually 2 questions.

GOD:  Yes, but since you're not good at math, I didn't think you'd notice.

Mr. SP:  Could You make me good at math?

GOD:  Make you good at math?  Oh, come now, Mr. SponsorPants, some miracles are too much even for Me to perform.

Mr. SP:  Hey!  Okay, now that was a cheap shot!  You know, I can always choose another Higher Power if I have to...

GOD:  Go ahead.  Be My guest...  (mutters) still won't make you good at math.

Mr. SP:  I heard that!

NPR: Prayer May Reshape Your Brain ... And Your Reality -- which is good, since both of mine are still a work in progress.

If you poke around over on the NPR site there is a fascinating series about prayer, meditation, spirituality and the brain.  In particular, the piece "Prayer May Reshape Your Brain ... And Your Reality" intrigued me.  There is both an article and an excellent audio piece I recommend - 8 minutes and 7 seconds long, if you have the time (for me it got very interesting around the 4:17 mark).

I must confess, though, that what left me irritated with myself was -- and I am chagrined to write it here -- my reaction to some of the study subjects' prayer and meditation routines.  Many of these people pray and/or meditate one to two hours a day, every day*. 

Personally, I have had some pretty profound spiritual experiences -- this whole damn blog came from one, in fact -- but ... one to two hours?  For reals?  To say that I find that daunting is ...

well, actually it's inaccurate.  I don't find it daunting. I find it ... well, the truth is it sounds really, really boring to me. 

Now, I am the kind of man who, when I was drinking and using, could spend literally 8 hours sitting on the same bar stool drinking.  8 hours.

And I suggest to people all the time that if they "turn up the volume" on their spiritual practice they will garner greater results.

Yet my first reaction to setting the bar at, oh, let's say one hour, in prayer and mediation a day is that I'm worried I'll be bored?

Jeeze, that's pretty sad.

But of course, by now AA has ingrained in me certain tools that come easily to hand when faced with a problem that either daunts, or, as in this case, embarrasses me:

I'll pray about it.

No, really.

I don't think I'll be praying for an hour to ask God, the Universe or The Great Whatever to help me to pray for an hour -- but I think that a major addition to my prayer routine now (which, I confess, is pretty solid.  It's not that I don't pray, or meditate every day ... it's just that I'm really ... ummmm ... efficient at it) will be to ask for the willingness and the focus and the desire to spend more time doing so.

And I will let you know here how it goes.

*Unfortunately one of them also sound a little crazy to me, which doesn't help when it comes to keeping an open mind on all things spiritual.  I am, it seems, still a terrible and judgmental man.  Stick with me, though -- I'm working on it.  But really, I might find a personal exchange with someone like that very trying:  "So, how's the coffee here?"  "God told me it was excellent."  "Ooookay."

(And how's that for effed up?  I mock the very things that I've experienced and written about here at Mr. SponsorPants:  Prayer, contact with a God of your understanding, etc.  What terrible pseudo-intellectual superiority do I still labor under?  I'm not sure, but I admit it's occasionally good for a few laughs as I go through my day.  I suppose the real trick is to take the seeking of a contact with God seriously, but not ourselves.  If, on occasion, my "not taking seriously" spills over onto other people ... well ... sorry!  Like I said, working on it.)

Clarifying HP's job description

Mr. SponsorPants:  God?

GOD:  Mmmhmmm?

Mr. SP:  I have a little issue I need to discuss with you.

GOD:  Oh?

Mr. SP:  Yes.  As you know, Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that I choose a Higher Power of my own understanding.  I can basically have any kind of "god" I want.

GOD:  Yes, I know.  You must be positively intoxicated with all the choices you have about Me.

Mr. SP:  Well I don't think I chose a sarcastic God, so what's up with that?

GOD:  Hey, you did the choosing.  Look in the mirror if you don't like my attributes.

Mr. SP:  That's sort of what I've been meaning to talk to you about.

GOD:  Oh?

Mr. SP:  Yes.  Basically, I'm concerned about your job performance.

GOD:  My ... job performance.  Interesting.  Pray, continue.

Mr. SP:  Cute.  Okay, the other day, that altercation?

GOD:  Yes, I recall.

Mr. SP:  That really could have gotten out of hand.  That guy actually might have been pretty far off the deep end.

GOD:  Okay. 

Mr. SP:  And, you know, I would like some assurances that, if I get in a tough spot which gets out of hand, You'll help me.

GOD:  Help you.

Mr. SP:  Yeah, you know.  Protect me.  Isn't that kind of your job?  To love and protect me?

GOD:  Oh dear.  I see the problem here.  You're unclear on My job description.

Mr. SP:  I am?

GOD:  Yes.  You think I'm here to help protect you from scary things.  To protect you from danger.

Mr. SP:  Well... yes, actually.  I mean, if you love me and all, and you're God, I would think that would be part of the God gig.

GOD:  Yes, well, I understand why you might think that way, but you've got it a bit backwards.

Mr. SP:  I do?

GOD:  Yes.  I'm not here to help protect you from other people.

Mr. SP:  You're not?

GOD:  No.  I'm here to help protect you from yourself.

The most dangerous words you can say in a prayer.

Well it's certainly not "please help me."  Those are simple to say and even easier to mean, when you're in trouble.  Drunk or sober, many's the time when my "please help me" was as heartfelt as humanly possible.

Nor is it "Thy will be done."  Kids, in a smackdown between you and the Creator of All Time and Space, while I'm most definitely in your corner, rooting for your continued success in sobriety (Go, You!), I'm gonna put my money on the C.o.A.T.a.S. -- for a TKO.  (No offense.)  But seriously, I'm thinking that the "Thy" in "Thy will" is gonna have it Their way, with or without your permission -- big of you though it is to offer it.

No, when you're in trouble -- real trouble -- and you ask God, the Universe or The Great Whatever for help, the most dangerous words you can say are:

"I'll do anything."

Be careful -- because if you say it, things will start happening.  The wheels of ... of the Something ... will start to turn.  And then "anything" is going to be presented to you, and you must stare down the barrel of just how much you might have been enjoying being stuck and not actually having to do anything about it.

Sometimes we like stuck a lot more than we realize.

When the opportunity to actually do something about your problems, whatever they may be, is presented to you from a Higher Power (as you understand Them) it can be a very rude awakening to see just how conditional you suddenly become on accepting Divine Help.

This is a little bit like waiting for an organ transplant, and as your Vital Signs start to fail, and the guy with the cooler races in from the heliport carrying your new liver/kidney/eyeball/whatever, reaching out from the gurney and saying, "Wait! Wait ... the donor ... were they blond?"

"I'll do anything."  I'm serious.  This prayer business is not all warm fuzzies and quiet moments -- be careful.  You just might tap into something that actually offers you the chance to step up and change.

Very scary.

Jumper: A Play in 22 Lines

Jumper:  God?

God:  Yes?

Jumper:  I really, really need a favor -- and I want you to know, from now on, I'll be good.  You do this for me and oh, man, I will be so, so good.  I will never, ever do this again.

God:  What's the favor?

Jumper:  I need you to suspend the law of gravity.

God:  Excuse me?

Jumper:  I'm ... I ... I kinda made a mistake here, I'm ... I'm falling.  And if I hit the bottom I'm going to ... You know, um, meet You.  Face-to-face like.  So I need you to suspend the law of gravity.

God:  I'm sorry, but that's not how it works.

Jumper:  But I made a mistake!  I'm sorry!  I'll be good!

God:  I know, and I'm sure, and perhaps.

Jumper:  God, the bottom's coming up really fast.  Please! I really need Your help!  Save me!  Suspend the law of gravity so I don't hit.

God:  Your plea is heartfelt and your predicament dire.

Jumper:  So ... so you'll help me?

God:  No.  But I hear you, and I understand.

Jumper:  I thought you loved me!

God:  I do.

Jumper:  Then help me!

God:  That's not how it works.

Jumper:  Please! I'm about to hit!

God:  I know.

Jumper:  You won't help me?  You know what?  You suck!

God:  Say that to My face.  In a moment, you'll be able to.

Praying Wrong - Part 2

Monday, you enter the cafe, and you order a large coffee.  The man behind the counter serves you a small one.  You correct him, but he says they're out of large cups, you'll have to take this one.  Annoyed, you leave.  Later in the morning you realize that you're not as jittery as you usually are, and maybe the small rather than the large wasn't such a bad idea.

Tuesday, you enter the cafe, and you order a large coffee.  The man behind the counter says the coffee maker is broken, but the blueberry muffins are fresh, and gives you one of those.  Irritated you accept the muffin.  Later you have to skip lunch and you're glad you wound up with a muffin after all.

Wednesday, you enter the cafe.  Seeing the man behind the counter, you are already tense and irritated even before you place your order.  You tell him, clearly, that you want a large coffee.  He hands you a large coffee.  By now you're so worked up over not having gotten what you asked for the past few days you're not so much relieved or grateful as you are irritated that you weren't able to get a large coffee when you asked for them before.

Thursday you enter the cafe, see the man behind the counter, decide it's not worth the aggravation, and leave.

If you keep asking for something specific and you don't get it ... you get angry.  Resentful.  And eventually you decide that since you can't get things the way you want them you'll just not bother to ask anymore.

For me, prayer is like that.  The 11th Step states that I should pray only for God's will for me and the power to carry that out.  We've talked before here at Mr. SponsorPants about "praying wrong" -- an addendum to that discussion occurred to me just recently; the idea that I undermine my willingness to continue seeking conscious contact with a Higher Power if I approach it weighted with the (possibly unconscious) anger of unmet requests.

Even when my motives are good and my requests unselfish.

Another conversation with HP

ME: Are you there, God?  It's me, Margaret.

GOD:  I expect better from you, Mr. SponsorPants.  That joke is old.  And if anyone know's old, it's Me.

ME:  Sorry.  I just, you know, humor is my coping mechanism.

GOD:  I know.  But with the gifts I gave you, I hope that usually when you try for humor you're actually funny.

ME:  Ouch! God, that's not very nice.

GOD:  I'm not about nice, Mr. SponsorPants.  I'm about truth.  That's why when you hear that still, small voice inside, you listen to it -- because you know it's telling you the truth. 

ME: Yeah, about that -- I mean, that's not why I called, and all, but ... that still small voice, is that you?  Er, You?

GOD:  If it tells you the truth, do you need to put a name to its source?  It's Me, it's you, it's your higher self, it's your intuition, it's your 13th Chakra ... what difference does it make, in the scheme of things.  I'd rather you listened to it more and tried to name it less.

ME:  Okay, again, ouch.  You know -- You know -- I do try to listen to it.  Could You, you know, turn up the volume on it or something?  Maybe we'd all listen to it more if it wasn't so damn still and so damn small.

GOD:  Yeah, about that.  I don't control the volume on the voice in your heart.  You do.  The more you listen, the easier it is to hear.

ME: Fine. Fine. Whatever.  Look.  That's not why I called. Am praying.  Whatever. Writing. Seeking. Seeking.

GOD: I know.

ME:  It's my friend.

GOD:  I know.

ME:  He said he's getting better, but ... he doesn't sound like it.  He's been sick for so long and I think -- well, I'm afraid he's not getting better.  I'm afraid he's getting sicker.

GOD:  I know.

ME:  So, you know, I get all crossed up about that whole not praying for specific things and all ... but, I just wanted to, you know, say ... that maybe, you know ... maybe You could sort of ... miracle him better?  He's a really good guy.

GOD:  I know.

ME:  And I hope you notice how I'm not asking you why he's sick or anything because, I mean, I know you're not really into explaining that way.  You're not really in the Because Business.

GOD:  That's right.  And you already worked through some of that, Mr. SponsorPants.

ME:  What, that letter?  Was that ... can You tell me, at least, is that the right ...

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants.  Ask.  It's okay to ask.  Go ahead and ask Me.

ME:  Ok.  God, please make my friend well.  Please.

GOD:  Mr. SponsorPants, do you trust Me?

ME:  No.  Not always.  I try to.  I want to.  But no, not always.  It's hard enough to believe, some days, let alone trust.  But I try.  Oh God, I really, really try.  And I know this is just some bullshit writing gimmick on my stupid blog but I'm really having a hard time with him fighting so hard for so long and still being so sick -- I don't talk about it much with anyone anymore beause what's left to say and all but ... now it's just ... God, I really want my friend to get better.

GOD:  I know.

ME:  That's really all you can say on this, isn't it, God.

GOD:  Yes, Mr. SponsorPants.  That's the only answer you can truly take in.  Right now that's the only answer I can offer you.  But if you can find a way to trust Me more, it will help.  It will help you.

ME:  I know.

 

Today's chat with HP (and I don't mean Hewlett Packard)

Me:  God?

GOD:  Yes, Mr. SponsorPants?

Me:  I wanted to run something by you.  Bit of a question, bit of a suggestion.

GOD:  'kay.  Shoot.

Me:  You may have noticed that I seem to be having my own hypocrisy in that one sensitive area I've been talking to You about pretty much just thrown in my face lately.

GOD:  I notice everything.  You know that whole "eye on the sparrow" thing in the Bible?  Maybe that's what it means -- and you should take comfort from it.

Me:  Maybe?  What's with the maybe?  You're God -- either You are or You aren't, and if You are, then I would think -- I would hope -- You're pretty sure of things.  Especially Bible-y things.

GOD:  Either I am or I am not.  I do not need to decide that, you do.  Though in this case either I'm a somewhat trite and perhaps pretentious literary convention that you're using ... or I'm really God, using the literary convention to try and answer you.  The problem is not with My sending, usually.  The problem tends to be with your receiving.

Me:  You finished?  My thinking can be circular enough without that God-speaking-through-a-construct-that-appears-to-be-nothing-more-than-convention-but-may-conceal-Truth hall of mirrors thing.

GOD:  You're driving.  I'm just trying to get through. 

Me:  Ok, ok, okay.  Anyway, this whole having my own hypocrisy thrown in my face thing ...

GOD:  Don't call yourself a hypocrite.  You aren't that.  Well, at least not in this case ... but that other thing you were praying about  ...

Me:  Okay! Ok.  Fine.  Then what is going on?

GOD:  Think of it as ... having your illusions ... no, wait, your self-imposed illusions, shown for the falsehoods they are.  Think of it as finally seeing a few things more clearly.  Think of it as letting go of some really, really, really old ideas.

Me:  Right.  But ... You know, does it have to be so ... so ... in my face?  Couldn't you work through some of my insights?  Some of my assets?  Some of my strengths, to show me this?

GOD:  Work through your assets, rather than your defects?  First off, perhaps I do, more than you realize (sending? receiving? hello?) -- but also, work through your strengths and assets and insights, Mr. SponsorPants? Now where's the fun in that?