Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Unwanted attention from an "older" (long term sobriety) member

 

Dear Mr. Sponsorpants,

I have been attending AA since late 2010. As of today I am working towards six months of sobriety and the obsession has been lifted. I look forward to AA meetings and attend at least one a day. I am a woman and lately I've been finding myself not going to certain meetings in order to avoid certain men. One in particular. He has long-term sobriety so I thought I could trust him. But when I took a chip recently he bought me jewelery. I accepted the gift in the moment because other people were around, but I have no intention of keeping it and am waiting for a good time to return it - but I don't want to see him in a social situation so it is looking like returning them after a meeting is my only option. I don't know how to do this though. I feel like by taking them I have led him on. My sponsor said just to return them and to tell him that his gift was inappropriate. While that is true, it is easier said than done for me - especially since weeks have gone by. He texts me almost daily (I know - how did he get my number? my sponsor asked the same question. All I can say is that he caught me off guard and in that moment I thought that since he was a respected member, I could trust him) and he waits for me after every meeting to give me a hug. It makes me really uncomfortable - both because what he is doing is completely inappropriate (I'm far too early in my sobriety and he knows that and is likely preying upon it on some level) and because the thought of having to tell him to leave me alone (I've tried just ignoring him, but it hasn't worked) causes me great anxiety. My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself. I have a great home group which I am very comfortable at, but I am thinking of trying other meetings around the city simply to avoid this situation (how alcoholic of me!).....any advice would be much appreciated!

 

Thank you for your time,

C.

 

Dear C,

You did a great job outlining a difficult situation, and it sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders.  An alcoholic head, sure, or meetings might not click for you the way they do, but a good one none-the-less.

You already have your answer, C -- and you know it.  And while I do not think God gives us "lessons" like some pinch lipped prarie school marm, I do believe that we are presented with situations which are actually opportunities to do what we need to so we can grow as we're meant to.  So this: "My sponsor has offered to ask one of his friends to speak with him, but I think I have to do it myself" positively shouts to me that the Little Voice inside we all strive to tune in to is, in this case, being received loud and clear by you.

I have some specific suggestions (of course!) and some things you might want to consider (don't I always!).

This guy is in the wrong.  What he is doing is absolutely not good AA -- bad for you -- and terrible for him  Ultimately the harm he does himself in this is far greater -- but there's no fool like an old fool.  In no way am I minimizing your uncomfortability or what is clearly a level of attention that has mixed and murky motives, but it's worth reminding ourselves that people can be chatty and social on the outside and very lonely inside.  While it's possible for any person to be blind to their real motives, alcoholics are especially skilled at "hiding a bad motive under a good one" as it says in the 12&12 -- and quite often hiding them from ourselves, first.  Life is rarely a Lifetime movie, and one sorry, besotted old fool does not a full-on stalker/predator make.  (Yes, I know it could make one.  But that doesn't mean it will make one.)

So if you try and bring some compassion to bear in how you view him and what he's doing -- and this is NOT an excuse for him, merely something to consider -- seeing these actions as born of loneliness and fear might help you in speaking up to him and drawing some boundaries.  I understand fear because I have dealt with it so much -- thus, when I need to deal with someone who at first makes me uncomfortable, if I can identify what about their behavior is driven by their fear, it makes approaching them a little easier, as they go from kind of scary-bad to a little sorry-sad.

I don't see any error on your part when it comes to him having your phone number or you not being quick to return his gift.  Dear God, girl, you're a walking miracle, in the beginning of your sobriety, going to meetings and trying to build a foundation in recovery!  A little foot dragging on something that would be difficult for anyone to handle is completely natural.

But... now you are clear in what you need to do.  You need to return the gift and tell him that the level of attention he is showing you is not okay with you.

The time for the dragging of the feet is over.

So you bring the jewelery to the meeting and tell him you need to speak to him.  No more dithering about when you're going to do it or how to meet him.  Part of the problem is he's around more than you want.  Meeting him is hardly the issue.

You return the gift and you say "Thank you, but I cannot and I will not accept this gift.  It is too much and I am not at all comfortable keeping it."  Rehearse it a couple of times so you can say it with some force.  Gentle force, but force.  No err or um between the words and no apology in your tone.  When he tries to insist you keep it just play the  broken record and repeat it until he "gets" it.  And if he doesn't, then set the gift on a chair or table and let it go.  If it becomes a game of "I won't take it so you have to keep it" just opt out, and set it down.

And now comes the leap of faith.  One of the best things I learned in AA was that the truth will protect you.

So tell him the truth.

"I'm not comfortable with the amount of attention you're giving me.  All the texts, all the waiting for me after meetings -- it's starting to affect my comfortability in the rooms.  I know the hand of AA will always be there for me, but as far as 12th step work goes, I need it to be a woman's hand for right now."

Yes, you feel anxiety over saying this, but it will be fantastic for you if you take a deep breath and do it.

You don't have to do it alone.  Ask your sponsor to be there, as quiet support, if you like -- or some other gal in the rooms.  Ask them to let you be the one talking, you're not asking them to speak for you, just to be there -- or nearby even -- as moral support. 

And, as they told me when facing a scary situation, bring God with you.  God will give you the words and handle this interaction if you invite God into it.  Remember, this guy has a Higher Power too.  He may be embarrassed or angry or confused.  He might feel this way or that.  None of that is your problem.  This is your opportunity, not your lesson and not your problem:  To speak up for yourself in an environment which it is safe to do so and with ready support at hand. 

Just because AA's can be a huggy group doesn't mean you are required to hug everyone -- or anyone.  Just hold up one hand when someone comes in to give you a hug and say "wait.  I'm in a handshaking place today." 

If some people are offended or give you flack, that's on them.  Most people will not.  And you can hug some and not others. 

Claim your Home Group, claim your meeting, as yours.  (Not yours exclusively, obviously, but yours for sure.)

There will be some anxiety.  Some awkwardness at times for a bit, too.

But your sobriety, your life, is more important than his -- or anyone's -- feelings.

You can do this with grace and do this well.  It's the right thing for you to do, and his unwanted attention has in some ways made him a great spiritual teacher for you.

C., if you can stay sober for as many days as you have then there is nothing in this you can't handle.  You don't have to rely on your own power -- just rely on your Higher Power and all will go as it should.

Faith.  Courage -- I know it's a lot easier for me to rattle these things off than it is to look someone in the eye and say them, but you can do it.

Good luck, and please, by all means, let me know how it goes.

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

 

 

 

 

Do you know what happens when you stop people pleasing?

Do you know what happens when you stop people pleasing?

People are not pleased.

You're going off script, you're breaking out of your box (the box you built, by the way), you're changing the rules you've worked hard to set up -- and people may not like it.

One of the great truths I heard early on in an AA meeting was this:  "We teach people how to treat us."

Damn this AA and its insufferable insistence upon me taking responsibility!

A tough question I've had to ask myself -- and some sponsees -- is, "Can you live in a world in which people are not pleased with you?"  It sounds so stupid, so small, so weak and silly, when put baldly like that, written out in black and white.  But for some people in recovery, answering that question with a "yes" is a serious and (pun intended) sobering turning point.

As always, the surprise ingredient in letting go of character defects such as this is humility -- sure, sure, courage, honesty, willingness ... all important.  But it's humility, as described so beautifully in the Chapter on the Seventh Step in the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (AA's "12 & 12") which seems to facilitate real and lasting change in alcoholics.

Wish it came naturally. <sigh>

Questions via Email: More about people pleasing

I came upon your web site while prowling about the net; funny stuff...  You made a statement about "people pleasing" that I found interesting and since I want to sound interesting and look good I was wondering if you might expound on the statement..."If you can't say no, then your yes means nothing"

Thank you for being out there...

In fellowship.....DS  

For the new kids, this is the post DS is referring to wherein I broached the dreadful subject of "People Pleasing."

Firstly, thanks for the kind words, DS, and I appreciate your wit as well.

When I first heard folks share about people pleasing in AA meetings I immediately thought, "My God! Yes! That's me!"  It was one of those healing moments in which something that I hadn't even known about myself was named and brought forth into the light of awareness.

Full disclosure:  This is a topic I must work hard to remain objective on, as I once proposed to someone and they said yes, only to call me the next day and tell me "actually, after talking to my therapist, I realized that I didn't want to say 'yes' I was just people pleasing."

Not one of my better days in sobriety.  (When people brightly chirp in meetings that "My worst day sober is better than my best day drinking!" I certainly understand and appreciate the sentiment, but I sometimes think back to that day and want to go up to them after the meeting and say, "Live a little more, honey, and then get back to me on that one."  Not bitter, just bruised on occasion.  Pain is the touchstone of our spiritual growth.)

Thus, my own personal experience not withstanding, I believe, as with any idea, it can be either a healing insight or a rampant justification -- and because of alcoholics' unique vulnerabilities to both fear and rationalization it is a slippery concept.  Pun intended.

To answer your question more directly, I think, as it so often does, it comes back to being honest with myself, and determining if my motives are fear based or coming from love.

In other words, if I am afraid to say no, for whatever reason -- afraid of losing you, afraid of being shamed, afraid of looking bad --  maybe that's where I lose my choice, and it is about people pleasing.

But I would argue that being reluctant to say no out of a right-sized understanding of someone's need for help is not about fear, it's about compassion.

Or not saying no because we're trying to be of more service to others in an effort to walk our talk about ego smashing and getting out of ourselves is not about fear, it's about practicing the principles in all our affairs.

Or understanding that the effort I'll expend in saying yes is minimal to me, while the no would create some real difficulty for you, is not about fear, it's about relative perspective.

Those are just some examples of how I try to navigate this issue -- though to continue on would become just an exercise in word play I think.

Ultimately, if I don't have a choice, that is, if I can't bring myself to say no to something, then I didn't actually say yes, I was, through fear and spiritual sickness (synonymous, I know) coerced.  

People pleasing is one of those things that can lead to deeply suppressed but powerful resentment in alcoholics, (not to mention a serious trigger for super toxic passive/aggressive behavior) so it's always been, for me, a very worthwhile thing to examine.

Again, thanks for emailing, DS, and I hope that was of some help to you in your own self examination too.

Cheers!

If you're afraid to say "no"

If you're afraid to say "no" then your "yes" means nothing.

"People pleasing" does not come from a desire to be nice.

It comes from fear.

Alcoholism thrives on fear.

Thus, while it appears to be fairly harmless as character defects go, while it seems a little "lite" when it comes to light in the fourth column of an inventory, it is actually very serious business.  Alcoholics who are chronic "people pleasers" are moving through life in a constant low-grade state of social anxiety -- of fear -- which both stunts recovery and provides fertile ground for alcoholism to flourish.