Mr. SponsorPants

Questions via Email: Starting out

 

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

I've come to recognize I can't stop this alone, and there is a meeting every week at night at a church very near where I live.  What do I do?  Just walk in, sit down and listen?  Is once a week enough to realize results?  I'm nervous and scared of what to expect, but my current level of drinking is unsustainable.  If I get up the courage to go, what should I expect?

 

Starting Out

 

 

Dear Starting Out,

I want you to imagine that you've never been in a bar, and you asked me to describe for you what it will be like when you walk in your first bar.  I'd be able to say that generally, all bars have certain things in common.  There's the actual, physical bar, which you can usually sit at and also is the place to order drinks.  There may be tables with chairs, and/or a dance floor.  There will certainly be a bartender, maybe more than one.  Possibly servers, maybe some security.  There could be live music, or a dj, or an old school jukebox.  The patrons might be a diverse group or very similar, friendly or flirty or mostly keeping to themselves.  Having maybe been to a bar or two in your life (wink!) you can easily see how the answer to such a question is, strangely, both general and specific.

The broadest answer to your question is a lot like the answer to my hypothetical example above.  That is, almost all meetings have a few things in common.  You can usually expect that there will be a focus to the meeting -- meaning, it might be a speaker/discussion, or a book study of some kind, or a meeting which examines the 12 Steps in some way.  There's usually a written format, often a speaker, generally a secretary who helps organize things and, while responsible for helping the meeting to function is not actually in charge in the traditional sense.  You may find seats arranged in a circle, or classroom style.  Generally in my experience, regardless of the kind of meeting or the city I've been in, people are usually pretty friendly, and someone will probably introduce themselves to you, and ask your name.  If you tell them this is your first meeting -- and I encourage you to be as honest as possible right from the start -- someone may offer you a meeting directory, or the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (what is usually referred to as our "Big Book), and may introduce you to people.  If the meeting has readings you might be asked to read one -- or you might not.  None of this is done to make you uncomfortable, but is more a practice of trying to make you feel welcome and "a part of" the group.

Given that there is a mental component to alcoholism which is constantly trying to talk us out of getting help for our disease, sometimes AA members with good intentions can come on a little strong to new people, mostly due to their own experiences with the struggle to get sober.  These extra-enthusiastic folks might seem a bit intense, but I assure you that it is only because they know too well how serious addiction is.  Based on your email, Starting Out, I can tell you have a glimmer of understanding about that.  Conversely, it is also true that when we're new some of us are a little hypersensitive, and it's not that people are coming on too strong, it's that we're tender and adrift without a drink in our hands.  Either way I pray you give the people in the meeting a chance.  It might seem strange, there could be lingo which feels alien or hokey to your ears.  Some people might talk about God (and you do NOT need to believe in God to make a start in Alcoholics Anonymous.  You can remain on the fence about God -- or choose not to believe -- for as long as it is right for you -- which might mean many years, or you may not be troubled by this element.  AA only suggests you find a Power Greater than yourself -- eventually to many of us that is God, but it's okay if that's not where you are with it.)

People usually identify when they speak; they usually say "I'm so-and-so, and I'm an alcoholic" and it is a general custom for people to respond, "Hi so-and-so."  The roots of this are from the need for people to be honest with themselves about their condition and also to be friendly and help people feel welcome.  You are not required to do anything you don't want to do, but the more you participate the more you might get out of the experience -- so don't be thrown by this, and if you're asked to introduce yourself you can say out loud that you're an alcoholic (if that's what you believe) or just say your name or say you're name and say that you're just here to listen. 

Can you get results from going to AA once a week?

Well, let me ask you, can you get results from going to the gym once a week? 

I would suggest that once a week is a little light when it comes to treating alcoholism.  I can absolutely tell you my experience is that I needed a good number of meetings for a good long while to help me stay sober.  My dead sponsor -- he who's wise counsel I miss every single day -- used to sqint through his cigarette smoke, sip his espresso and say to me, "Did you drink every day?" and I would be forced to answer, "Pretty much.  Yeah."  Then he would nod and say, "Then what's your [expletive] problem about going to a meeting every day?"  It would have taken a better man than I to balk at his dire glare and dry tone.

Now, Starting Out, I hope the above helps you feel like you know what to expect, and thus makes it a little easier to walk through the door, but the simplest answer to your email is this:

Yes, just walk in, sit down, and listen.  No one can make you do anything, you can leave at any time.  No one is judging you.  Sure, they're people, with the attendant foibles of any group of people, but they are people gathered to share their experience in being drinkers like you, and to talk about how the solution AA offers is helping them stay sober -- and part of that solution is sharing it with other people, and they'll be more than happy toshare it with you if you let them.

There is a basket that is passed, but if you're short of cash no one will think anything of you not putting anything in.  Most people have been there -- especially when they're new.  You might get some phone numbers, so when you're afraid you're going to drink you can call someone and talk it through.  Yes, this sounds appalling, to call a virtual stranger and ask for help about such a thing, but if you do you'll actually be helping them tremendously, since you'll help them get out of their head and be of service to you for a little bit -- and that is actually a life saving thing for most of us, self obsessed as we are.

AA is the best thing that ever happened to me, Starting Out, and I credit it with helping me become the man I am today -- and, for the most part, I'm pretty happy with the result.  With the kind of drinking I used to do, and the things I used to do when loaded, or trying to get loaded, or trying to recover from getting loaded -- well, AA uses the word miracle a lot, and for the most part it feels pretty apt when I look at my life today.

Don't wait for the time you're not nervous or afraid -- that time might never come.  Go anyway, despite the fear.  I'm not sure of exactly what you'll find, but the one thing I can guarantee is that you will find people who truly understand.

Walk in, sit down and listen.

And despite having a terrible illness which will try every trick in the book from preventing you from doing so, you might just save your life.

Say a little prayer. "Help! Help! Help!" is good enough to probably get you through the door.

I'll say one for you too.

Good luck.

 

Love,

Mr. SponsorPants

 

10 absolutely true things about my AA experience

 

 

1.  Working the 12 Steps changed me -- profoundly -- for the better; and it continues to do so.

2.  AA's focus on service has given me a way of looking at the world which opens my heart on a daily basis -- and that is a powerful antidote to becoming embittered by life, as I feel how easy it is to keep the heart shuttered as I grow older.

3.  AA Meetings are often (not always, but very often) a place which renews my faith in people and in something Good in the universe -- and some speakers and some who shared have given me some of the biggest belly laughs I have ever had.

4.  AA has taught me to be a good listener.

5.  Sponsorship -- both sides of the coin -- has taught me what a privilege it is to set ego aside in an effort to help people -- and it feels like a privilege -- and what a powerful catalyst for personal change that can be.

6.  AA has given me friendships which endure.

7.  AA gives me a safe place to go when I am troubled or I make mistakes.

8.  The practical advice I've been given in AA serves me in all areas of my life.

9.  Watching people in AA face life's challenges -- some of the toughest -- has taught me what real dignity and courage look like.

10.  AA has shown me that my past is not my future -- that there is no expiration date on the promise of reinventing myself, or starting over, or on God's Grace in my life.

 

 

Questions via Email: What do you do when people say "AA is a cult."

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

What do you do when people say AA is a cult?

Sincerely,

Need Pithy Response

 

Dear NPR,

Honestly?  At this point in my life and in my sobriety I pretty much just shrug and smile and say "Well... maybe." 

AA isn't selling anything and neither am I. 

I have zero investment in changing anyone's mind about what AA is or isn't. 

I'm not sure if that's very pithy, but that's mostly how I handle it today.

If you feel you need a fuller discussion just look along the right hand side of the blog.  In the Categories list there's a whole section you can click on called "Is AA a Cult," with essays and comments (both pro and con) on this issue.

Cheers!

Mr. SP

Questions via Email: Part 1 - How do you make the group your "Higher Power?"

 

Dear Mr. SponsorPants,

After [more than 25] years of drinking, I have been attending AA since [last fall] but other than [a couple of weeks over the holidays] I have not been sober consecutively. I am currently [in my first week]. I really struggle with this higher power concept. I know that I can use the group, but really, how do you turn your life and will over to a group of people. I like the meetings and doubt that I could get sober alone, but these steps seem so strange to a logical thinker like myself. Can you share anything that might help me?

J

 

Dear J,

Remember, what defines the quality of someone's recovery is not that they drank, or drank more than once, it is that they got sober again.  We each have today, and being sober today is your miracle and your triumph.  I can tell from your email you're willing and you have a great attitude -- the only two things you have to manage on your own -- so I have absolutely no doubt if you stick close you'll make it.

But your questions are good ones, and not the first (and certainly not the last) I'll hear them either on the blog or in person, so I'm very glad you brought them up.

They're so good in fact, I'm gonna make you a two-parter.

First one first:  How do you turn your life and will over to a group of people?  Or, to refine that a bit, how do you make an AA group your Higher Power?

To best answer that, I need to show you some things.  Take my hand, we're going to travel through Time and Space for a few minutes.  Ready?

**BAMF!**

J:  Where are we?

Mr. SP: Ummm, my aim isn't as precise as I like but if I ...

looks up at the night sky, checks the constellations

Mr. SP:  Yes, this is roughly the early 1800's, and we're somewhere in Texas.  See that old guy over there?

J:  By the campfire? 

Mr. SP:  Yes.  He's got something to tell us.

J and Mr. SP wander over.

Old Guy by the Campfire:  If you need space by the fire, I can share.

Mr. SP:  Thank you kindly.

Old Guy by the Campfire:  You two look a might new at this.  Remember, if you get up in the middle of the night to take a pee, shake out your bedroll before you get back into it.

J:  How come?

Old Guy:  Scorpions.  They crawl in when you get up, attracted by how warm and toasty you left the blankets.

Mr. SP:  Thanks, we've got to get going though.

Old Guy:  Suit yourselves.

**BAMF**

J: Holy...

Mr. SP:  Speak up, I can't hear you over the engines!

J:  Where...?

Mr. SP:  We're in a plane over France in... if I got it right, 1942...

J:  What the hell...?

Mr. SP:  Hang on, we need to listen to this guy...

Points to airman in camo and blackface

Airman:  I've done a hundred jumps, and you guys are new, right?  Remember, after you jump...

J:  We're going to jump?

Airman:  Pay attention!  After you get your 'chute on, we'll do some recon over the landing site and you can jump when we see the signal.  No matter how fast you think you're falling, make sure you do a slow count to 20 before you pull the ripcord... otherwise, your 'chute might tangle in the props, got it?

Mr. SP and J nod.

Mr. SP:  Got it. Uh, I mean, Got it, Sir!

**BAMF!**

J:  This is getting... where are we now?

Mr. SP:  Florida Keys.  Sometime in the '70's I think.

J:  How do you know it's the '70's if you're not very good at this? 

Mr. SP: All the paisley.

J:  What is this place? 

Mr. SP:  It's a dive school.  Shhh, here's the instructor.

Instructor walks up with a class in various scuba gear

Instructor: ... bends, which is basically when nitrogen bubbles, created by pressure at the depths we'll eventually dive to, enter the liquid in your body, and should you rise towards the surface too quickly will be forced out... very painful and possibly fatal.  What you need to do is rise at a measured pace, via a schedule which...

Mr. SP:  Okay, let's get back.

**BAMF!**

J:  What was the point of all that?

Mr. SP:  Okay, if you'd stayed by the campfire that night, back in the 1800's, and you'd gotten up to pee in the night, would you have followed that Old Guy's advice? 

J:  Well... sure.

Mr. SP:  Why?

J:  Well, he knows what he's talking about... I mean, I've never camped in a bedroll by a fire and he has so...

Mr. SP:  What about the Airman and his slow count instructions?  Would you have done that?

J:  Sure, although I'm not sure how slowly I can count when I'm jumping out of a plane. 

Mr. SP:  Me neither, actually.  But why do you believe him? 

J:  Well... he's like, a trained air force guy.  He said he'd done like a hundred jumps and so, you know, he's... he knows how to do it.  Don't think I can't see where you're going here...

Mr. SP:  Indulge me.  What about the Dive Instructor, if you were in that class, would you follow the formula he was going to lay out to avoid the bends?

J:  Yes.

Mr. SP:  Why?

J:  The bends is painful, I know that without all this rigmarole.

Mr. SP:  So you would make those guys your Higher Power?  Like you'd worship them and stuff?

J:  No, not... not worship them, that sounds weird and creepy.

Mr. SP:  So in those situations you're turning your will and your life over to them -- meaning you'll seek their counsel and follow their suggestions -- because they have experience in how to survive where you find yourself.

J:  Yeah.  Okay, yeah.

Mr. SP:  So it's not really the individual people you're turning your will and your life over to -- it's not specific people, it's their knowledge and experience of how to survive something. That's what you're surrendering to.  It's their experience which is your "Higher Power."

J: ... well... yeah.

Mr. SP:  So that's how you do it then.

J:  Do what?

Mr. SP:  Turn your will and your life over to an AA group.  You find yourself in a position equally fraught with danger and potential for pain and fatality today as you might have been in any of those other scenarios.  Only instead of scorpions and tangled 'chutes and the bends you're facing addiction and fear and ego.  And the people in the meeting have survived those same things... so what they have to tell you has value because it's based on experience -- even if the way some of them say it is colored by their own ego and such.  Just because someone's been sober a while doesn't mean they stop being a work in progress.  If the Diving Instructor turned out to be an unmitigated ass, it wouldn't invalidate the truth of what he was telling you about what the bends are, how they can harm you and what you need to do to avoid them, right?

J:  Yeah, I guess.  Yeah.

Mr. SP:  Same in an AA group.  It's not the people that you're turning your will and your life over to (they're messy and flawed as individuals, and in one way or another they always will be -- the best we get is progress)... it's their practical experience of how to stay sober, and how to apply this recovery and 12 Step information to your life, day in, day out, one day at a time.  That's what you are turning your will and life over to.  So you simply live your daily routine the way AA suggests you do, and when you hit a snag or have a question or a problem, share about it in the group and take in the suggestions which are offered.  Some people might be easier to listen to than others, but on the whole, you'll get good orderly direction.  And God knows, when I was newly sober, that's what I needed.  What my mind came up with as how to handle things was usually NOT a good plan to follow.  The only experience I had to offer myself was how to live a drinking life in active addiction.  I needed to follow the plan laid out by people who had experience NOT doing pretty much the only way I knew how to do anything.  Following their plan, and asking them for input when I was stuck, was how I first "turned my will and my life" over to AA.

J:  Oh.

 

Part 2 tomorrow...

 

 

a three fold disease -- but the best friendships in the world

They asked for newcomers in the meeting to introduce themselves, and an old friend I was sitting next to snorted into his coffee.

"What's that about?" I asked.

"Nobody gets sober at this time of year." he said.

"Wow, you're just a little sunbeam for baby jesus today, aren't you." I offered.  "What's the matter, feeling the pinch at your belt from all your feasting, and deciding to take it out on the rest of us?"

"You're the one wearing sweatpants." he snapped.

"It's cold!"

"Uh huh."

"No, seriously," I pressed on, "people get sober around the holidays."

"It's a three-fold disease." he lifted his chin, stroking his beard and using his best Elder Statesman tone.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I'm aware, thank you.  Physical, mental and spiritual."

"Actually," he looked at me sideways, "I was thinking more Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years."

I laughed, "I like hanging out with you."

"Thank you!"

"Yes, when we're together, by comparison I look younger and less cynical." 

"Perhaps," he tilted his head.  "But not thinner."

"Oh, very, very good."

"Thank you."

"You realize I'll be putting salt in your coffee the next time we go to Starbucks."

"But of course.  Prankery is the last refuge of those who can't respond in kind."

"I want you to know," I said warmly, "if you drink, I won't judge you."

"I'm not going to drink." he said.

"A boy can dream."

"Oh no." he said, "I won't drink because then you would have more time than I do, and I cannot abide that idea.  No, not one bit."

"It's not a contest." I said.

"In general, you are most correct."  He put his hand on my shoulder "but between us?"

"A contest.  Yes.  I know.  More coffee?" I asked, using Winning Smile Number 5.

"Yes, but I'll get it myself, thank you."

"Curses, foiled again." 

He's my best sparring partner, and we've saved each other's lives more times than either of us can bother to count.

There are many kinds of friendship in the world, and all of them make life a little easier to bear -- but there's a special quality with old AA friends.  Not wanting to alter that bond has, on occasion, gotten me through some tough, tough nights.

If you are new, stay sober, and you will find yours, too.  They happen gradually -- but often the things which grow slowly are the most durable.

 

a spirit of inclusivity

I noticed him when he first came into the room.

It was hard not to.  In lieu of pants he was wearing a trash bag as a kind of jock strap.

He'd also somehow managed to put his hoodie on sideways, which I had to give him credit for, since A) I imagined it was really tough to do and B) the zipper up the side did look kind of cool.  Various ribbons, strings, scarves and an improvised headband (was that a ... garden hose?) completed his look.  He might actually have passed for the result of some challenge on Project Runway involving "Things Found in Aisle Seven of the Hardware Store" -- and certainly he was, as Tim Gunn says "making it work" -- but this was 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning, and his ensemble, while creative and deftly pulled together, didn't quite match the hour or the day.

I was at the meeting early since I'm the secretary, and he came in well before the room started filling up, taking a chair in the back but getting up to refill his coffee half a dozen times. 

If I'd had to guess, I would say he was far down the road of Crystal Methamphetamine psychosis.  Might he also have had some other mental issues?  Sure.  When people are close to wet brain, or nearly shattered from crystal meth, they present with any number of symptoms which can appear to be other diagnosable mental illnesses.  And whether they were there to begin with (in full form or only potentially) or are chemically induced, to put it bluntly, crazy is as crazy does.  And this one was pretty crazy.

But we're AA, and we've seen a lot worse than that poor fellow.  I just marked where he was sitting in my head and resolved to keep an eye on him during the meeting, feeling equally my responsibilities both as secretary and to the 12th Step.

For a long time during the meeting he was able to keep it together -- which is to say he couldn't possibly sit still, and went for more coffee or to the bathroom several more times, but was generally quiet.  But then someone in his row got called on to share, and I believe he thought, since the person speaking was sitting so close to him, they were talking either to him or about him.  That's one thing both mental and spiritual illness have in common:  They mistakenly believe that something which has nothing to do with them is all about them.

I think the person sharing said something about things being "rough" -- and Project Runway piped up loudly with "Rough! Rough! Ruffles have ridges!"  The person sharing continued on, pretty much unruffled (sorry), and I waited to see if Runway had released the pressure now and would quiet, or this was a ramping up.

The sharing went on for a bit longer, and out came "You know what?  Why don't you die!" in response to something else.  Darn.  Ramping up.

"Ah well," I thought, at least he got half a meeting in.  It's not very likely, but maybe a seed got planted."  And then I stood up and moved back to where he was sitting, intending to tell him quietly that, he was welcome to stay if he could stop interrupting, but if he couldn't keep still he would have to leave the meeting.

But apparently he'd caused some mischief at a Starbucks up the street (we later learned), and a police officer wandered in just at this moment, looking for him.  The meeting paused, some words were exchanged, and on the pretense of going to the bathroom he hopped out a window in the back, apparently into the arms of some other police waiting outside.

Without much more drama, the meeting picked up where it left off, and things wound down to their normal conclusion.

During the secretary's announcements at the end of the meeting, I felt moved to depart from what I usually say -- which is not much but to ask for the various other announcements we have to make, thank the speaker and ask someone to read and close the meeting with the prayer of their choice -- and explain for anyone in the room who was new to the 12 Step experience what AA is about in such situations:

"In an open meeting, everyone is welcome.  AA doesn't kick people out.  No one in AA has the authority to do that, just to be clear.  AA is a program with a spirit of inclusivity -- love and tolerance is our code.  Many of us were in pretty bad shape when we first got here.  But although we don't 'kick people out of AA' the meeting does have to happen, and people have a right to feel safe.  We may ask someone to step outside of a meeting if they can't be quiet, but they're welcome back if they can behave..."

I don't remember it word for word, but that's pretty much the jist of it.  To my horror, though, as I was saying this, what it really meant just flooded through me, and I actually started to get choked up!

What a ridiculous, weepy old thing I've become.

I joked it away, of course (those old defense mechanisms are the best, after all), and things wrapped up on time.  (I often think of the crusty old timers in my early meetings who were quite fond of saying "A good meeting starts and ends on time."  Looking back, since that was before the invention of the VCR, they may have been about getting home to catch their favorite shows as much as they were about anything 12 Step related... but it's a truism of sorts.  And certainly, in their commitment to custom and Tradition they made the meetings feel safe for me when I was new -- and today I feel that same responsibility for others.)

But the swell of emotion I had, while certainly attributable to my foibles, is also because what I said was true, and I felt that truth as I said it.  There are a lot of places on earth people can go for all kinds of help for all kinds of problems -- but many of them require something in exchange for that help, be it an insurance premium or submission to an ideology.  That's not to say there aren't good people doing good works all over the place, but what I have seen first hand in AA is that anyone -- anyone -- who wants help can find it there, for free, without strings, payment or agenda.

It is a powerful -- and yes, emotional -- thing to see and be a part of.

If Project Runway finds his way back to our meeting, he's more than welcome to a seat and as many cups of coffee as he'd like.

Trash bag jockstrap, garden hose headband and all.

No one is really judging -- most of us are all too aware how close we came to a similar fate -- though I think I'm more of a trash bag poncho and paint-bucket-sun-bonnet man, myself.

... ,Alfie?

It was pretty easy to find the cafeteria, actually.  It was a small private hospital, well laid out and well maintained.  Plenty of signage, even if the woman at the information desk -- she looked like a volunteer, complete with courtesy-clerk smile and pastel cardigan draped over her shoulders -- hadn't been kind enough to direct me towards the elevators and point out the signs along the walls.

I wondered if she knew asking for the cafeteria meant I was going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

It was my very first.

At this hour, shortly before seven o'clock at night, the hospital didn't feel very busy.  There was neither hustle nor bustle in any of the halls I walked down, following the signs marked with helpful arrows pointing straight, left or right, next to the word "Cafeteria."  Many corridors were empty, others had but one lone orderly pushing a cart, or a nurse carrying a little tray covered with paper cups.  It was 1986, long before America was a country that thought of itself as under siege, and I don't think I saw one security guard from Entrance to Exit.

I was wearing dress shoes, and mine were the only footsteps I could hear as I navigated the fluorescent and linoleum labyrinth -- click click click click.  Having absolutely no idea what to expect I'd dressed up to go to the meeting.  The clothes, from smart white cap to ridiculous, pale yellow pants (which kind of poofed at the thigh and tapered to fit snugly at the ankle -- think MC Hammer as lion tamer, designed by Chiquita Banana -- hey! 1986, remember?) were all stolen from the store where I worked.  In the mirror at the store I thought the hat made me look sophisticated, but now, walking along -- click click click click -- I felt self conscious and unsure.  Couldn't blame the hat entirely for that -- self conscious and unsure were my default settings then.

I rounded a corner, took one more elevator down, and there was the door to the cafeteria.  It would make for a heartwarming moment in the story (and a tidy bit of foreshadowing) to say that, as I put my hand on the knob, I could hear jolly laughter and the pleasant murmur of fellowship coming through the door; but that sucker was solid, gunmetal gray and fire door thick, with one narrow window above the doorknob, lines of wire in a diamond pattern reinforcing the glass.  People could have been screaming "Oh my God! Zombies! Run! Run!" on the other side of the door for all I could hear.

Turning the knob and walking through that door would be one of the bravest moments of my short and incredibly drunken life up to that point.  Some may read that and doubt, ascribing such an assessment to hyperbole, an obvious bias, or my occasional penchant for colorful phrasing (which is, in itself, a colorful phrase, so count that your moment of zen, if you like).  But this AA story is not about courage -- that's not what it's all about.  When I speak at AA meetings (and I say this often) I am very careful not to take the language of recovery I use to describe how I am today and artificially superimpose it over how I was then.  I don't need recovery terminology to describe how, with my hand on the doorknob, I felt very frightened and completely lost -- like a small child in a dark wood in a tale by the Brothers Grimm.  But I was not a child, as most people would reckon it.  I was 24 years old.  My liver was distended. (My Driver's License read twenty-four but my liver panel said eighty-four.)  I was beginning to have audio hallucinations -- they occurred often enough to frighten me, usually after a good 12 hour stretch of solid drinking -- but infrequently enough (the hallucinations, not the 12 hour stretches of drinking) for me to realize I was starting to hear things.  At that point I hadn't gone to the bathroom normally for months.  When I did, mostly it was blood.  My hands shook and ... I did NOT want to open that door.  I don't even recall a conscious reason why, except for the first time in years I hadn't had a drink in maybe two days, (the migraines didn't start till a day or so later) and I knew I was going to, if I didn't go through that door -- I knew I couldn't drink, I knew I shouldn't drink and yet I could just not fathom not drinking -- or not drinking for much longer.

On the way to the hospital I had passed a 7-11, and it was an honest-to-God, parting-of-the-Red-Seas-miracle that I hadn't pulled in and bought some malt liquor, as I had so many, many nights there before.  I even lifted my foot off the accelerator for a moment, slowing down and thinking maybe I would go in and get some cigarettes -- and in only the haziest way did I suspect that this was a very bad idea.  My foot drifted back down to the gas pedal, and the moment passed.  Some miracles are tiny moments:  The deciding not to stop, the turning of a corner rather than going straight, choosing aisle 7 instead of aisle 8 -- tiny moments, but no less powerful, lifesaving or Divine for their quick tick of the clock.  But this AA story is not about miracles.  That's not what it's all about.

I turned the knob and went in.  The main area of the cafeteria was empty save for a few folks in scrubs.  The meeting was held in the area to the left, marked "Smoking."  Yes, the meeting was held in the Smoking Section of the Hospital Cafeteria.  Talk about a different era -- if the years didn't weigh on me much before, the certainly do a bit more after typing that sentence.  ("Mr. SponsorPants?  Sure, I know him.  He got sober sometime during the Pliocene Era, right?  I heard they used stone arrowheads for Welcome Chips, and the service commitments were tending the fire and standing at the mouth of the cave to greet newcomers.")  But this AA story is not about how long ago I went to my first AA meeting, or how long I've been sober.  That's not what it's all about -- and dear God, if it ever is, then I'm in a lot of trouble.  (It'll be "Abandon Blog!  Head for the lifeboats he's going down!").

Maybe 25 people.  Probably two-thirds men, one-third women.  People my age and people with gray hair.  Some smiles, some "Welcomes."   Someone gestured to an empty seat next to them and I sat, my face frozen in Polite Smile Number 5.  We were seated in a circle around a bunch of tables that had been shoved together in the center of the room.  Big Books (and ashtrays!) were spaced evenly around the table, with enough for most people to have their own, or comfortably share with a neighbor.

I sat there, and all I could think was, "I'm the only one wearing a hat!  No one else is wearing a hat!  Maybe I should take my hat off!  I can't take my hat off, then I'll have hat hair!"  (I was young.  I was so terrified I didn't even know how terrified I was.  I was detoxing.  Be kind.)  I remember very clearly deciding not to help myself to a cup of coffee because I knew my hands would shake too much when I held the cup -- or tried to hold it, I guess.  It was a book study (hence the Big Books).  I had no idea what that meant.  People were nice and all, but I had carefully timed it so that I walked in just before the meeting started, so if it had even occurred to me to ask what a book study was I didn't have the chance.

The meeting was up to Chapter 2, 'There is a Solution.'  I was zoning in and out, careful to look like I was listening, trying not to make eye contact, obsessing about my stupid hat, waiting for someone to light up a cigarette so I could too.  They were in the part of the book which describes how the main problem of the alcoholic is in the mind, rather than the body, and talking about what an alcoholic might say when you ask him "... why he started on that last bender..." 

I will never forget this:

It was a woman named Muriel reading at that point.  She had salt-and-pepper hair, and a kind face, I thought.  No makeup, but she had smiled at me when I sat down and it made her look very pretty.  She read:

"Once in a while he may tell the truth.  And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have." 

I imagine that all the air left my lungs in a whoosh, because it felt as though an invisible spear had just hurtled through the center of my chest.  The reading went on.

"Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time.  But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it.  Once this malady has a real hold they are a baffled lot.  There is the obsession that somehow, someday they will beat the game.  But they often suspect they are down for the count."

"That.  Is.  Me."  The thought rang in my head like a bell.

(I suppose for the less poetic readers I'm willing to acknowledge that the ringing could have been the onset of another audio hallucination.  I was pretty fried.)

But for the first time since I had started drinking alcoholically (which was pretty much from the first time I picked up a drink) I heard something which spoke to what it felt like at my very core -- and before that very moment, I couldn't even have described this truth.  I heard and identified with something on a deep level that all the loving, tearful speeches from family, the disgusted confrontations with friends, the angry notes from roommates, the shocked comments from neighbors, the grim speeches from employers, had never been able to reach before. 

As the meeting went on I heard people, who suddenly seemed like me, talking with real candor about thoughts and feelings like mine, which, until they shared it, I hadn't even been able to identify, let alone put a name to and say out loud.  I heard people describe wanting to drink like I wanted to drink, and drinking like I drank.  I head them share about what they did not to drink (and not to go crazy from wanting to), and how the wanting left -- or was leaving -- and about what they had found in AA.  They all spoke for themselves and about themselves.  No one lectured, or pointed a finger, or made a sales pitch.  I remember marveling at how they seemed calm and kind and wise.   

After the meeting a few people spoke with me.  (Somehow they could tell I was new!  Imagine!)  I don't know what they said, but I remember how I felt -- it flirts with melodrama to put it this way, but it seemed like I hadn't felt it in a really long time:  Hope.  Not the "Gosh! Things are gonna be great now!" Heidi-on-the-mountain-with-a-goat sunny zippy kind of hope.

The kind that is just a little speck of light in a dark so pitch that you might not even have realized how far and how deep and how black it had become.

And believe me, when it's black like that, a speck is a beacon.

Lots of people up to that point had wanted to help me.  On a deep level I knew I needed help -- though I wasn't sure what it might be or how I might find it.  I only came to the damn meeting because my family had done their half-assed version of an intervention (I call it half-assed because I knew, in the predatory, shark-like way which all alcoholics have, that there was still some rope left.  Inside me was love for them, and deep, deep shame, but also, inside me was the shark.)  Thus with motives mixed, as much to keep working the rope as to try to get a help I couldn't even picture, I went to the AA meeting. 

And what I found in that Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is what AA is at its very heart.

And that's what this AA story is all about.

The great discovery made between a failed stockbroker and a washed up surgeon that when one alcoholic, without any motive but to help, shares their own experience, strength and hope with another, that the listener might hear something in a way they've never heard before, and the drunk sharing is themselves profoundly helped and healed.

For free, without being subjected to anyone else's criteria or having to make a reservation, I walked into an AA meeting and that is what I found.  No rules, no hoops, no deposit, no proof of citizenship or insurance required.  No one cared if I was rich or poor, Republican or Democrat, owner or renter, Catholic or Protestant, Jewish or Muslim,  gay or straight, vegetarian or carnivore.  All they cared about was helping me with my drinking problem, if I wanted their help.  They didn't even care about my ridiculous pale yellow lion tamer pants.  (1986!  1986!  Okay?  Jeeze.) 

All the sturm und drang about statistics and labels and philosophies and agendas really, ultimately doesn't matter when you're a drunk hanging on by a thread, about 12 hours from your last drink and potentially five minutes from your next.  In that moment all the abstracts are just that:  Abstracts.

Populated by often deeply flawed, well intentioned people, working through their own dysfunctions and issues even as they try to carry AA's message of recovery to each other and to newcomers, every AA meeting is the opportunity for someone to experience what happened to me all those years ago.

The 12 Traditions anchor the whole dizzy, dyspeptic mess from aligning itself with causes or issues or movements or corporate sponsors.  What other people or organizations outside of AA do with what AA offers strangely, ultimately doesn't matter either when you're that desperate drunk, needing some help -- any help -- walking through the door of the meeting.

The night I walked into an AA meeting I was a hair's breadth from drinking again, and young as I was, the way I drank I was going to wind up back in that hospital's basement ... but down the hall and in a room with much better air conditioning.  (Ironically probably no smoking section in there.)

What's it all about? 

It's about what happens in an AA meeting which can save a life.

I know, and I believe in it, because what happened in that first meeting I went to saved mine. 

Another visit with our friends on the other side of the aisle... (oh dear. this one REALLY got out of hand. this post is ridiculous! way too long to read. Come back tomorrow when I've regained my senses. Really.)

Back in September of 2009 I visited Stinkin' Thinkin', a blog which "muckrakes the 12 Step Industry." 

To say that they are not fans of Alcoholics Anonymous, or anything 12 Step, is putting it mildly.  Still, they had some nice things to say about Mr. SponsorPants, and as I am shallow enough to be seduced by any crumb of praise or flattery always interested in a spirited debate, I read through some of their postings, found one called "The 12 Rights for Newcomers to 12 Step/AA" which I especially admired, wrote a bit about it and posted it here.

The other day, when perusing the "who's visited the site" blog thing (it doesn't show you as an individual person, but if someone has visited from another blog or website sometimes that address will show up) I noticed that there had been some recent visits from the Stinkin' Thinkers to Mr. SP again, and, hoping to find more nice things about myself curious to see what might be the current topic, I swung over to take a look.

They are as passionate in their views as ever, and without any silliness I want to say that I respect that, and would remind any AA who either visits their site for themselves or encounters those opinions in the world that "love and tolerance is our code."  It's not much of a program of attraction if we cannot keep a civil tone (as they have with me, for the most part, I hasten to point out -- and by 'for the most part' I mean that some turns of phrase are less flattering than others, but that is hardly being abusive, or even discourteous) when disagreeing with people about addiction in general or Alcoholics Anonymous in particular.

One of their contributers posted a video with several provocative questions, the one on the title screen being:

"I would like to pose a question to all members of AA:  Would you allow anyone that has managed to get their lives back on track again without using AA to chair one of your meetings?"

I confess my first reaction was kind of a "what would the point of that be?" -- not in a refusal to allow differing viewpoints (I've been to meetings where some peoples' entire share was basically "AA sucks and I hate all of you."  My experience in those meetings is that they have their say, they finish, people clap politely -- if it's a clapping meeting -- and the meeting goes on.  No one is ejected or censured for "disagreeing" with AA) but more along the lines that it would be like having a representative of the beef industry speaking to a vegetarian convention.  We're just not on the same page is all.

Here is a link to the video and the blog itself.

And, for whatever reason, most likely equal parts a desire to have a true dialog and probably some bit of ego as well, I posted a comment there in response to the video.

There were then comments in response to my comment.  So I responded to them, they responded to me and ... oh never mind, here is the heart of it:

 My comment to the video:

You *do* ask provocative questions. In a few instances you then go on to answer them with what “people in AA would say” — which is kind of a zero-sum game I think. Just as many people who don’t like AA, or have had bad experiences there, might give a variety of answers to a provocative question about why “AA is bad,” so, too, would many AA’s offer a variety of responses to the question of someone who stopped drinking without AA, beyond just the one you model here (I’m really thinking of the response you offer “from AA’s” that if someone can stop without AA then “they weren’t really an alcoholic.” A paraphrase, but I think a fair representation of what you said.) Sure, SOME would say that, but others … not. I wouldn’t. The longer I’m sober in AA the more open minded I feel I’ve become about addiction treatment.
People in AA can be very reactionary when they think Alcoholics Anonymous is being “attacked.” (And the general level of literacy in comments across the internet on every and any topic is depressing, frankly. For every anti-anything commenter who gets ‘to, too and two’ wrong I’m sure you can find a pro-the-same-thing commenter making equal gaffs.)
People get reactionary generally because they are afraid. For some people in AA it feels like Alcoholics Anonymous is the first thing that has worked for them, and they are perhaps overly protective. That’s no excuse for being rude, I offer it only as a consideration.
*sigh* Already this comment is longer than I’d intended, your larger question about chairing meetings would mean I might go too long in a comments section, so I will only add that I believe some of your issues are a matter of interpretation or context, BUT I encourage you, and anyone, who feels AA is not right for them to keep searching for whatever they might need outside of or instead of AA. AA has worked for me, but as with all diseases and treatments, there can be a lot of factors involved in what makes a particular “medicine” work, and what is the right course for one may not be the right course for another.
I hope you keep questioning, and making your videos. (As a bit of a codger, I would offer that a music track with lyrics as background for something I am reading does tax my synapses a bit, but I’m not the sharpest mind on the planet. It’s probably an excellent cognitive exercise!) Obviously we have different philosophies, but we’re all trying to use this medium to help people who might need it — how can that be a bad thing regardless of whether we are on the same side of something or not?

A response to my comment:

AA is not a treatment nor is it a treatment for disease. Any medical treatment that has you praying for a daily reprieve to keep a disease in remission is not a medical treatment. You might as well insert your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye. AA is a religion and until I hear its members tell me that it is a religion I will take no prisoners.

Me again:

I use the word “medicine” metaphorically, and perhaps I should do a better job of making that clear. It feels like medicine to me, so the metaphor is apt. To speak in clinical terms (though I am not a clinician) AA’s suggestions are a course of treatment which combine suggestions for practical behavior modification, peer review and support, and yes, a spiritual component which includes prayer and meditation. Any picture of AA’s overall plan for recovery which does not include all three is perhaps somewhat skewed. In addition, AA is pretty clear that if you’re dealing with what the literature and the fellowship generally refer to as “outside issues” that you should get busy finding “outside help” i.e., prayer is a good way to become willing to go to a trained psychologist or psychiatrist and address past trauma or brain chemistry imbalances, but prayer alone is likely not enough.
There’s a lot of interesting research now on what they’re calling the “neuro-plasticity” of the brain (not sure if the scientific “they” hyphenate that or not). Prayer AND meditation, whether there is an actual Anything out there or not, seem to have a positive impact on brain chemistry and can even change the actual physical structure of the brain to SOME degree. (Obviously only after sustained practice). What I personally got from AA was a message of “pray, but get busy.” I’m not comfortable with the word “religion” but I can see how to some it looks that way. As with anything, AA can be used well or abused, and while there will always be problems within it — rampant ego, abuse of custom or tradition, etc. — I personally have found much good there, too.
I yield the field on further commentary on this posting, it is not my intent to visit here and incite acrimony of any sort.

Another response from the other side of the aisle:

Several US Federal Circuit Courts of Appeal have ruled that AA is religious in nature, and AA cannot be mandated by a governmemt authority on that basis.  As  far as I am concerned, that settles the matter.
“pray, but get busy”  is very interesting.   The important part is “get busy”. 

First is to quit drinking :  no matter what happens, do not drink.
Second, busy doing what?   getting your life in order — determine what you want to do with yourself and set about doing it.
Third, get professional help if need be.

I have no difficulty with anyone who joins the church of AA.  I have no reason to have any difficulty.

And another response from a contributor to their blog:

Hi Mr. Sponsorpants, I am really happy to see you here. We appreciate the dialog — and it doesn’t happen often. (Usually, we get serenity bombs or real hardcore nutbags.) You’re definitely welcome here. We can be civil… I think.

I am interested to know what you think about the fact that 12-Step has become institutionalized in this country… about the fact that most addictions treatment is based on AA’s model; that people are sentenced to attend AA, that people who attend AA are treated as though they had somehow mitigated their crimes.

If you know that it’s not for everyone, do you think maybe we should be doing more in this country to treat addictions?

And another thing, you are a really really good writer, and your blog is so engaging, and so it drives me crazy that I disagree with everything you write.

This same commenter went on to add this:

Ben, I am with you on this: AA is a religion and until I hear its members tell me that it is a religion I will take no prisoners.

Specifically, what I want is for AA to acknowledge that it is not treatment. It is a path to a spiritual awakening, and, as such, it should occupy a different niche than it does. Whether or not prayer or mediation has been shown to have benefits, that is not enough to justify it’s current position as the only game in town, or to justify the fact that when someone is coerced into treatment (say, via an intervention or through the courts), they will end up in this spiritual program, which acknowledges that sobriety is just a benefit of it’s actual purpose, which is a spiritual awakening.

Also then this from another commenter there:

FTG says: “ Specifically, what I want is for AA to acknowledge that it is not treatment. It is a path to a spiritual awakening, and, as such, it should occupy a different niche than it does.”
 

Exactly. If AA was honest about its being a program whose main aim is to find God and achieve a spiritual awakening, I don’t think anyone would argue with that – or care much. They could even say that some addicts (albeit a tiny minority) might have incidentally found that finding God has helped them overcome addiction, just as, say, Buddhist meditation or Islam, or a physical exercise regime, might help others.
 
It is the way that it is presented first and foremost as a program for treating alcoholism that is so scandalously deceitful. People seeking help for an alcohol problem want just that – help in overcoming an alcohol problem. They should not then be subjected to attempts to convert them to a religion and be told that this is the only way they will ever recover (or indeed, that they will never actually ‘recover’). It is hugely immoral that a fringe religious group should recruit vulnerable and often desperate people in this way. And it is much worse, and what my grandmother would have called ‘a sin that cries out to heaven for vengeance’, to tell people that they will inevitably fail in what they are desperately and sincerely trying to do if they don’t conform to this very weird religious program which has nothing whatever to do with overcoming addiction.
 
It is so full of mindfuck, it’s difficult to step back from it and take a cool rational look at what’s really going on. If the 12-step program and the big book were introduced today as any kind of approach to treating addiction, it would be laughed out of court. No-one would take it seriously at all. But because it’s somehow managed to establish itself, undeservedly, as the only answer, it has been allowed to go largely unchallenged. It is appalling.
 
The worst thing is that people get into AA’s clutches when they’ve already recognized they have a problem and want to do something about it. And then AA exploits that very real desire on the individual’s part to stop drinking or using to literally put the fear of God into them and threaten that if that person doesn’t conform and become a believer, all their genuine efforts to overcome their addiction are doomed to failure. I really can’t think of anything more cruel and self-serving.
 
But obviously I’m preaching to the converted here. The main challenge is to expose what the real agenda of AA is to society generally so that people can make informed choices about it. 12-step practitioners, especially those in the rehab centres, take great pains to conceal what they are really about – presumably because they know that most people would avoid them like the plague if they knew that the ‘treatment’ they are selling is completely bogus. It’s unlikely that AA will ever voluntarily be publicly honest about what its program really entails, so I guess the rest of us will just have to try and do what we can.
 
(Despite this rant, MrSponsorPants, I’m glad to have you here on this forum. But I really hope that you don’t tell your ‘sponsees’ that if they don’t become spiritual, don’t follow the 12 steps, etc. they will inevitably fail in their attempts to stop drinking and stay stopped. This is really not very kind.)

And one more from yet another:

MrSponsorPants-

I too would like to thankyou for your comments. As I hope you have noticed, the forum is treating you with civility, as I will.

I do have some questions though.

Do you think  the 12 step organization has been hijacked? There is a 17 BILLION dollar industry out there, made up of AA members, that promote, MARKET, and prosylitize for the AA faith professionally. This is done in direct violations of the organizations stated traditions. Do traditions become suggestions when there is a dollar to be made?

How do you, as an AA apologist feel about the forced and coerced participation in the AA faith with regard to incarceration, loss of child custody, loss of employment, and at the demands of organ transplant teams?Do you feel that AA has become a dumping ground for the judicial system and social services?

Do you think that AA headquarters should do something about this? In the 70’s and 80’s AA high command sent notifications out to the rooms to request people not to tell newcomers to stop taking prescribed medication. Do you think this was the proper thing to do? Do you think it was a suggestion  or does anything from the head office matter?

And finally, would you support the idea of AA publicly accepting and recommending actual medical treatment for addiction, such as the wonderdrug naltrexone, that the AA faith has been very outspoken against?

So, since I had been specifically asked, it seemed like I should address some of those questions, and I tried to:

Please remember that I am only a member of AA, there are no official spokespeople, and anyone who represents themselves as such should be viewed with deep skepticism. All of my responses are solely from my own experience, be it direct or observational.

Wow! Okay, where to begin…
Firstly, thank you for the civility in the exchange. It’s clear from all of your writings (the all of you and the all of the writing) that you are as passionate in your beliefs as I am in mine — I appreciate the ability to talk about these things — even if neither of us move one jot towards the other position I believe everyone is helped in these exchanges.
Secondly, thanks very much for the kind words about the blog and my writing — if the people that disagree with you vehemently speak well of how you put things, well, that’s high praise indeed, so again, my thanks.

Regarding the “institutionalization” of AA:
As I understand it, when the courts started sending people to Alcoholics Anonymous there was a strong reaction within AA that this should be “fought.” That is apocrypha, but my sources are pretty credible (Well, they were. They’ve passed on now.) While there was a tradition from the very beginning of AA to send members to the courts and offer assistance to people who wanted it (and that’s the key there) a “sentence” flies in the face of the foundation of AA, that is, we offer help to people who ask for it. AA itself is not selling anything. And I don’t think it is splitting hairs to delineate between an organization saying “we are here if you need us” and one which says “you should try us.” AA has done the former over the years, but assiduously avoided the latter, imho. Ultimately this fight was abandoned shortly after it was begun, in part because AA had no real influence over the judges and a core Tradition is that AA does not engage in public controversy, nor do we “fight” for or against things. Ultimately, I’m not sure that there is anything other than economics and an overburdened court system at work when it comes to this issue. The courts found a cheap (free) short term solution for the glut of alcohol/drug related offenders, and sometimes it even worked! And please, let’s note that the people standing in front of a judge have (generally) committed a very serious crime — I’m not talking about the casual pot smoker here, I’m talking about people who drive under the influence. This is not a scenario of hapless innocents being rounded up and force-fed AA. I have no doubt that if you said, “No, Your Honor, I object to both this system and being forced to attend these free 12 Step meetings at a time that works best in my schedule, that is, before or after work, and would rather you just send me to jail” that the court would indeed accommodate you. (Yes, yes, you may also be sentenced to “classes” and there is money involved, but that’s not AA.) Personally, I have deeply mixed feelings about it. I count among my close friends people who came to AA on a court card and it turned out, by their estimation, to be a life-saving thing. No doubt those that didn’t think so merely counted themselves lucky that they didn’t have to do time.

Are “most” rehabs based on a 12 Step model? I guess. I know (and wrote about on the blog) a rehab that’s whole advertising angle was that you *don’t* have to go to AA. People who have an intervention done on them and are “coerced” into treatment are generally people that are in a lot of trouble, and need SOME kind of help. No one is rounding up happy innocent atheists who just enjoy getting snockered on occasion and forcing them to do anything. If you watch the show “Intervention,” as one example, these are people in real trouble, a danger to both others and themselves. At least someone is doing SOMETHING. If anyone offers a better solution I am open to it. PART of this debate is the question which is represented by the Motorcycle Helmet Laws. Does the government (or an enlightened society) have an obligation to protect people, in essence, from themselves? Regardless of your answer to that question, the issue becomes more complicated because of the diminished capacity of the addict (thanks “Law and Order”!) And then there is the issue of minors in the care of active addicts… no one in our little discussion is anywhere close to saying the issue is a simple one, I know that. But (to me it seems that) some of the language you are using paints people who find themselves in the court system, or on the receiving end of an intervention, as the victims of some horrible miscarriage of circumstance or justice, while I would offer that very, very rarely does one find themselves arrested for using, dealing, driving under the influence, or standing in the HR office of their company, as part of some baroque plot to force a spiritual program upon them.
Phew! Long answer to just a start of the questions. Please forgive me for having to break my answers up into other responses I will get to in a short while.

My immediate question in response to all this, though, is would anyone involved in this (excellent) back-and-forth object to my copy/pasting our exchange onto the Mr. SponsorPants blog? (and if you do object, I certainly will continue to respond, and also respect your wishes…)

Other answers to the other questions coming up — forgive me if I am going on too long, these are questions that deserve considered responses, and I am trying to give you that.
Again, I’m not here to hijack the comments section, or cause any problems… but you *did* ask… <chuckle>.

Response to my comments:

Sponsor P. – I also appreciate you willingness to openly dialogue.  As a matter of perspective, I am not an atheist and I was never harmed while in AA.   I don’t consider myself an AA hater and strongly support the right of AA members to peaceably meet and practice their religion.   However,
1.   AA members routinely (i.e. daily) troll the detox wards of hospitals (with the approval of hospital administration) and patients are coerced by hospital staff into attending AA meetings in these wards (in fact, attendance is sometimes taken).  Thus, AA members are actively supporting coercion by chairing AA meetings that are mandated by hospital staff.  It is certainly not attraction.
2.  AA members (often the secretary) routinely sign slips (both court and rehab) attesting that the person has attended an AA meeting.  Providing proof that a person has attended a meeting is a clear violation of their central principle of anonymity, even if a person requests a signature.
A simple solution to these issues consistent with AA traditions/principals would be for AA members to stay out of hospital wards and stop signing slips to verify attendance.  This will never happen voluntarily.
As to the issue of the government having an obligation to protect people from themselves the answer is simple – No.  One could fill volumes on this issue.  Plus, helmet laws suck.
Please feel free to put this response on your blog..

I go on, and now I am trying to be clever.  Often a mistake for me <sigh>:

To the use of the word “religion” as in, “AA is a religion…”:
I’m not familiar with the court rulings sited, that “AA is religious in nature…”
To that I would respond that a penguin is aquatic in nature, but it’s a bird, not a fish.
I do not consider it a religion in the “classic” sense, but certainly we could construct a definition which encompasses traditional, organized religion and also the happy anarchy which is Alcoholics Anonymous.

If, by religion, you mean an organization which has a text which records its core beliefs, meets regularly, incorporates prayer in those meetings, suggests its membership consider that there is some kind of Higher Power, then yes, I guess AA is a religion.

However most religions assert one particular belief system, one particular definition of god, and many go even further and condemn other religions’ beliefs. Most religions require ceremony and/or “certification” by a church authority of some sort to consider oneself a member. In AA you don’t even have to say you’re an alcoholic, only that you have a desire to stop drinking, and you can consider yourself a member. AA is non-profit. It is completely voluntary. It is open to anyone who wants to explore it. If, by religion, you mean an organization which dictates one particular way of thinking, I would dispute that. Saying “this is what we think” is not the same as saying “this is what you should think.” Saying “Why don’t you consider things in light of this information” is not the same as saying “If you don’t agree you are wrong.” Some members of AA may speak in absolutes, or take AA’s suggestions and treat them as dogma. Okay.
Some phrases in the Big Book can be pulled out of the text and offered as proof that AA has a specific belief, or warns people that they will die if they “leave AA.” I think that is a distortion of the spirit of what AA says. I think the Big Book suggests that if someone is a real alcoholic, trying to address the issue on their own is dangerous, and if they don’t get help they could die. That’s a very different thing from saying “if you leave AA you will die.” The Big Book also says stuff like, “… we realize we know only a little…” and “… God will constantly disclose more to you and to us…” and “… we can only clear the ground a little bit…” (and if you don’t believe in God, fine, but the point here is that AA literature mitigates what it says with statements offering room for asking questions and for critical thinking.)

To the point that we, as a country, should be doing more to treat addictions:
Well, as a country we have an awful lot of challenges. Here’s what I think has been happening which is pretty good: Institutions have been trying to understand and treat addiction from a medical standpoint, rather than a moral one. Different forms of treatment are being evaluated in different ways. Just throwing addicts in jail and using a solely punitive model has been replaced with an effort towards prevention, education and treatment. Even if you do not agree with the content of those efforts, I would propose that this represents a form of progress beyond the “just put ‘em in prison” model. I believe, after many years of sponsoring people and staying sober in AA, that saying “addiction” is akin to saying “cancer” — and by that I mean there are many, many types of cancer, some of which can be treated with the same medicine, and some of which does not yet respond very well to any treatment we currently can offer. Already there is research (for example) into the idea that there are “chemical” addictions (alcoholism, addiction to heroin, crystal meth, etc.) and “process” addictions (eating, gambling, shopping…) and that sometimes some of this overlaps. Can/should we do more? Absolutely, but I think we are still learning.

And then this person comes along and gives it to me right between the eyes.  D'oh!:

Mr. Sponsorpants – You seem to be under the impression that a multi-deitistic religion is not considered a religion, which is not the case. So, if your AA is the “pick any god you like” AA, then that is still a religion. Even the court (I cannot remember which specific case) cited this particular argument as lame. Now, if you are of the old-school belief that there is a specific AA God, which is what the ‘Big Book’ teaches – “God as we understand Him”, not “god of our understanding” – then that is also religion.

Your penguin analogy is a good rhetorical device, but it is just another way being insincere about what AA really is. AA is not “religious in nature”. It isn’t even “religious”. AA is religion in itself, and its teachings are specific. Because there are some in AA who choose to rationalize their way around the teachings – i.e., the “take what you want and leave the rest” crowd – does not make it less a religion; anymore than the fact that some Catholics, Jews or Muslims choose not to follow the teachings of the Bible or the Koran to the letter. It simply waters down, bastardizes or rationalizes (as you are doing here) the teachings from the ‘Big Book’. An atheist may attend mass regularly, and may not ever come to believe in the teachings of the church, but that does not make the church itself a “non-religion”. There might be AAs who don’t believe in the higher power hocus pocus, and who rationalize their way through the steps or never really drink the kool-aid. Many readers here fall into that category. Just because they don’t buy what you are selling, does not mean you aren’t selling religion.

So I respond to the above, and maybe start to get a little defensive passionate, but hopefully end well:

You are correct. A multi-deistic religion is still a religion. You are also very correct that an atheist in church does not make the church any more [SIC: I MEANT TO SAY "LESS"] religious, as an institution.

Also, your logic is excellent overall, and you have given me some food for thought. I will not argue that AA’s teachings are not specific, I concur, they are. AA offers a specific viewpoint, and “clear cut instructions” as to how the people who wrote the Big Book recovered from alcoholism, as an example to anyone who felt they had a problem and wanted to try what had worked for the book’s authors

Honestly, I feel like this has become a “storm of words” over the question of whether or not AA is a religion. I guess I got all caught up in the implication that a religion is a negative thing, along the lines of the famous “opium for the masses” and something which limits someone.

All I can really offer is my experience. My life as a drinking alcoholic was very limited, and after coming to AA and trying what it suggested I have found relief from my active alcoholism and a “design for living” which usually puts me in harmony with the people and world around me.

I can assure you there is no vast conspiracy on the part of the 12 Step world to dominate treatment options. Many meetings can’t even get their act together to donate money to their central office, let alone carry out such an agenda. As for the “billions of dollars” in the recovery industry, I can only say that if that number is accurate (billions? Okay. Maybe I should put the advertising back up on the blog… hmmm…) that speaks as much to how big the problem is than anything else.
I don’t know about AA members “trolling recovery wards daily.” Dear God, who’s got time for such a thing? And have you been to one? Not fun. (And often smelly. Pee-ew!) I again come back to the idea that these are people in a recovery ward! They weren’t plucked from their church choir, or nabbed out of a changing room at the Gap, or snatched from their cubicle at the offices of Amalgom Incorporated. Even if you don’t like AA, and even if we *were* trolling daily, at least it’s someone trying to help.

Let’s say all of AA got together and chipped in and decided to take out ads in all the papers — wait, no one is reading newspapers anymore — okay, we bought time on “American Idol” and said, “You know what? It’s been brought to our attention that AA is a religion, and we just wanted to clear that up with everyone” and the courts stopped “sentencing” people to AA meetings (the court cards that are signed, in my experience, are not full name, just first name and last initial, and attendance is generally taken by a hospital program, not the meeting itself, and in any case, again, these are not poor innocents brought up on sham charges, some supervision and consequence is in order by the court or hospital, isn’t it?) — if those two things happened, what, exactly then, should addicts do?
Throw themselves on the mercy of the pharmaceutical industry, hoping that today’s pill isn’t tomorrow’s liver tumor class action suit, and medicate for life? Or just “stop, no matter what!” ?
If I could have stopped no matter what, I wouldn’t have had to go to AA.

My tone has become argumentative, and I’m sorry for that.

We come back, I suspect, to agreeing to disagree. There are many examples of people in AA behaving badly. You site many of them here. There are many examples of people in AA behaving amazingly — I have coffee with them all the time. Your bad examples are your evidence that AA is a sham. My good examples are my evidence that AA is a force for good and of real help to people who struggle with addiction. *shrug*

My experience of AA has been overwhelmingly positive. I appreciate the many comments here that do not quarrel with AA in general — I think some of the points of contention lie more with the courts and the “rehab industry” rather than AA itself — though it can seem they are more enmeshed than I have found them to be, I admit.

I’ll keep working to have an open mind, and will certainly mull this all over as the days roll along.

(And I really liked my penguin analogy — I didn’t think I was being insincere at all. Oh well.)

Cheers!

I'm not trying to cheat it by having the "last word" here on my own blog.  That's where it's landed, though no doubt more will be posted.  It's probably best if I chill out on this now, though in the big picture I really do feel like it's good to read viewpoints very different from my own.

I know, I know, this post is ridiculous.  What can I say?  I'm still a man of excess. <sigh>

12 things AA is not.

1.  AA is not for everyone.

2.  AA is not for people who need it (it is for people who want it).

3.  AA is not selling anything.

4.  AA is not cool.

5.  AA is not in the business of diagnosing anyone as an alcoholic.

6.  AA is not "against" anything -- it is not against any other method of treating alcoholism.  It is not against anyone who views AA unfavorably.  It is not even against drinking.

7.  AA is not a quick fix.

8.  AA is not always a bastion of mental health.  People come to it because they are sick, and often they have issues in addition to their addiction, and it can take a long time to address some of them (but at least those folks are in a place where they can try).

9.  AA is not regulated.  There is no governing body as those things are generally defined in other organizations or fellowships.

10.  AA is not a profit-making enterprise.  Books are sold at cost, meetings collect donations from those attending on a purely voluntary basis, and then only to cover the expense of renting a space and providing literature and sometimes coffee, cookies, etc.

11.  AA is not too good to be true, but it can look that way sometimes.

12.  AA is not only the foundation of my life, it is a source of joy and fellowship, and I am grateful that all of the things it is not help make it what it is.  

And now, a word from the other side of the aisle...

A while ago I stumbled across this blog:

Stinkin' Thinkin' - Muckraking the 12 Step Industry

They're sometimes funny, often angry, and very passionate in their commitment to "debunking" the 12 Step Industry.  (Though right off the bat I think "industry" is a bit of a stretch.)

But I like 'em.  I have some powerful disagreements with many of their interpretations of what AA suggests, but I've always been a sucker for the scrappy nose-thumbers of the world.  Maybe much to their chagrin and certainly to my amusement, what we most likely have in common is the quality of defiance.

Certainly, while they said a few kind things about Mr. SponsorPants in one post, on the whole they gave me a sound spanking for the answer I gave to someone who wrote in -- and in retrospect I think they may well be right -- or at least, more than half right, even though I don't think I was as totally "off the beam" as they seem to.

23 years of regular AA attendance, 21 years clean and sober, hundreds of sponsees and thousands of meetings under my belt, I believe anything that provokes a good hard look at what AA is and what it says and what members of the fellowship do (and do not do) is an important and vital thing.

They do not advocate against being sober, they take the position that AA gets some important things wrong.  Obviously I disagree with them, but it helps me to hear them out.  And some of what they say is actually very worthy of consideration.

In particular, this most recent piece, entitled "12 Rights for Newcomers to AA/12 Step" is excellent.  They even submitted it to AA's Grapevine (for the new kids, the Grapevine is AA's official newsletter, and it has stories and information about both AA the fellowship and AA the organization, in addition to articles and essays of note about the 12 Steps and staying sober).  Apparently the Grapevine sent them a nice rejection letter, and chose not to publish it, which, as good muckrakers are wont to do, set them to muttering darkly, but I'm not certain I see anything shady in the rejection.  I know nothing of the Grapevine's editorial policy, though, so <shrug> who knows?

I will include the link so it can be seen at the source (that seems like the proper protocol for this sort of thing) but I will also for convenience (and without their permission, I should add, so if they want me to yank it they have but to ask) copy and paste it here:

A Modest Proposal: “12 Rights For New-Comers To AA/12 Step”

Posted on July 8, 2009 by speedy0314

The following has not been written, edited or endorsed by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, AA’s General Service Office, nor AA’s Board of Directors. It is simply my humble offering to a fellowship whose sole purpose (as per its own ‘Preamble’) is “to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.”

I fully intend to forward these ’suggestions’ to AAWS for their review.

The following “12 Rights For New-Comers To AA/12-Step” are merely suggestions, and should not be considered the province of ‘new-comers’ only. Even if “personal recovery depends on AA unity” (Tradition 1), AA is nothing without the individual ‘person’.

As a new-comer, you are sure to hear the phrase, “It’s a selfish program” within your first 90 days. With that in mind, let’s enumerate the rights you have as an individual within AA or any similar 12-step program:

1 – You have the right to trust yourself and place your own emotional, physical, & spiritual well-being above all things; although you may truly believe that it is, indeed, ‘insanity’ (or the ‘insanity’ of your alcoholism, drug addiction, etc.) that brought you to the 12-Step community, and you may truly believe that only an external ‘higher power’ can save you — you must know that within you an inherent spark of goodness and rationality resides; you trusted your decision to turn to 12-Step — now trust that there is goodness within you & you can draw upon it.

2 – You have the right to protect your own emotional, physical, & spiritual well-being at any and all costs; in the course of your own recovery always remember: “Primum non nocere” — first, do no harm, least of all to yourself.

3 – You have the right to look with a critical eye & ear toward your own discourse, the discourse of the program in which you are involved, and the discourse of the groups you attend; it’s written & often noted aloud, “It’s a program of suggestions” — suggestions you can take or leave according to your own better judgment; truth is found only after long deliberation & it often changes with the passage of time.

4 – You have the right to believe or disbelieve anything you want; again, “It’s a program of suggestions” — only you will know what is ‘true’ for you … at any time or in any situation.

5 – You have the right to use discretion when speaking aloud — whether privately or in a meeting; you may be “as sick as your secrets” but you’re also as vulnerable as you allow yourself to be; choose your words & the venue in which you speak them aloud advisedly.

6 – You have the right to go at your own pace; it’s “A day at a time” right? nothing and no one can ‘make’ you ‘entirely ready’ to do anything; trust & have faith in yourself — any loving ‘higher power’ would grant you that gift first & foremost.

7 – You have the right to acknowledge & honor your own strengths — even while ‘asking for the removal of your shortcomings’; the simple act of asking for the ‘removal of your shortcomings’ takes more than simple humility; it takes great inner reserve & courage.

8 – You have the right to put yourself right at the top of the list of people you may have harmed & are willing to make amends to; the word ‘amend’ is a verb which means “to put things right”; get right with yourself first & getting right with others will be of far less effort.

9 – You have the right to trust yourself & your better judgment when it comes to ‘making amends’; sometimes the best way to make things right is to simply leave things as they are; sometimes a wish for someone’s health, happiness, & prosperity is far more appropriate than an overwrought, unwelcome letter of apology.

10 – You have the right not to be a doormat; there’s no better advice than, “Check your own damned self!”; still, your life & your actions are things to approach with joy & creativity; express sorrow & apology only when you feel that it’s the right thing to do — not for every tiny, unexpected blunder; you’re human for higher power’s sake! you’re going to f**k up sometimes & that’s just part of the human condition; chin up, smile, move on.

11 – You have the right embrace & practice your faith as you see fit, as well as the right not to do so; these days, even hard science is acknowledging the benefits of ‘mindful meditation’ … but I ain’t the boss of you and neither is your sponsor, your group, or the Big Book; if you’re staying sober and bringing good things to yourself and the people around you, then you’re doing the right thing … period.

12 – You have the right to share or withhold your experience, strength, & hope; helping people when they’re down (alcoholic, drug addict, what the hell ever) is just the right thing to do — when you’re strong enough & best able to do so; ‘carrying a message’ isn’t nearly the act of courage and compassion that the act of simply listening is; if you know that someone is hurting themselves then let them know that you know it; if you strongly suspect someone is seriously on the verge of taking their own life (through inadvertent or explicit actions) then it’s your legal duty to alert the authorities; don’t let anyone tell you that “You can’t keep a drunk/drug addict from killing themselves.  Only God can do that.”; you are your brothers’ keeper … deal with it.

I’m not holding my breath for the printing & distribution of a third ‘lampshade’.  But the above was written with sincerity, humility, and an earnest wish to offer strength and ease to any AA ‘new-comer’ … or any AA/12-Step member for that matter.  Acknowledge the divinity within yourself and you will be free.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

As I said, I think the above is wonderful -- well written and makes some great suggestions.  I don't see anything in it that contradicts what AA suggests, either (except that "selfish" thing in the opening, which I address at the bottom of this post) ... nor does it fly in the face of what I ever imagine any of my sponsors saying to me along the way, nor do I myself personally disagree with what it says.

I wish the "Stinkin' Thinkers" well, and as many of the commentors on their site have suggested, it's great that they found a way to be sober that worked for them, and they're doing a great service by sharing that with others who may be struggling with alcoholism.

I believe there are many paths to the top of the same mountain -- I give them a jaunty wave over there on theirs as I keep trudging along on mine.

Cheers!

Mr. SponsorPants

p.s. -- and they call "H.P." Hocus Pocus -- LOL I love that ... I am totally going to use that, even though I fear they might get mad at me for borrowing that, too.

p.p.s. -- some of the pro-AA commentors on their site are less than diplomatic, or downright argumentative.  I believe it is possible to state with passion your side of an argument without giving in to some of our lower impulses.  If any pro-12 Steppers visit the site and feel the need to comment I hope that it is done in the spirit which AA suggests we approach all such things:  With love and tolerance for others.  That, after all, is our code.

p.p.p.s. -- And a personal note to speedy0314:  It is a selfless program, not a selfish program -- I think that gets turned around a lot by people in an effort to suggest to someone new that making their sobriety a priority will help them stay sober, but in my experience in no way is AA a "selfish" program.